Michelle Obama Halts War On Obesity And Anusburgers

  mixed messages!

Everybody wants a cheesy anus burger!Drudge sirens and frantic arm flapping: a Washington Post reporter saw “War on Childhood Obesity” Gen. Michelle Obama over at the new Shake Shack diner in D.C. engaging in “talks” with one of those giant crushed cow-horse-goat anus cakes that weighs six pounds, has 30,000 calories and its own zip code or however that “your mama” joke from 1994 went, along with fries and a chocolate shake. Was she riding a personal mobility scooter, too? Jesus, Michelle, think of the children. It’s the Anusburger Appomattox moment of the War on Obesity.

Husband Barack Obama was meanwhile lecturing everyone in Congress to “eat their peas,” which suggests that the war that has already been lost at the Shake Shack is still ongoing in Congress.

War newspaper the Washington Post reports:

A Washington Post journalist on the scene confirmed the first lady, who’s made a cause out of child nutrition, ordered a ShackBurger, fries, chocolate shake and a Diet Coke while the street and sidewalk in front of the usually-packed Shake Shack were closed by security during her visit.

According to nutritional information on Shake Shack’s Web site, the meal amounted to 1,700 calories.

Obama, who launched the “Let’s Move” campaign to combat childhood obesity last year, has previously admitted to having an “obsession with french fries,” which she says are fine to indulge in occasionally. “It’s all about moderation,” Obama told reporters.

“Moderation” is an SAT word for “socialist.” War or nothing. [WaPo]

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231 comments

    1. MildMidwesterner

      I definitely read in a high school English class that Irish peasant babies are succulent and delicious.

    2. bureaucrap

      Per the movie, the name of the company WAS "Soylent". They seemed to prefer depressed oldsters, but I'm sure 500 lb 5-year-olds could do in a pinch.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Amalgamated Witch and Gingerbread Industries has been one of the few stocks that's consistently risen in the last few years

  1. Callyson

    If Michelle can say "fuck it" and have a burger occasionally (no harm done if it's balanced out with healthy living most of the time), can Barack say "fuck it" and give up on the idea of cooperating with Republicans (no harm done since they won't cooperate in turn)?

    1. Terry

      Old Turtle Head was just on CNN saying that the GOP can never negotiate as long as Obama is in office. Yes, it's time for Obama to say heck with negotiation and to move forward.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Too bad she's not a Republican — because like they did with David Vitter, Larry Craig, Newt Gingrich, Duke Cunningham, Henry Hyde, etc. etc. they'd simply praise her for having standards so high that she can't live up to them.

    1. SorosBot

      The Post has been a right-wing propaganda machine for quite some time, but that doesn't stop conservatives from calling it "even the liberal Washington Post".

    2. SayItWithWookies

      No, but speaking of Rupert Murdoch, I am sooo looking forward to enjoying his prosecution under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act and the ultimate dissolution of his empire. Maybe it can be confiscated by the government and fully monetized into subsidies for wind turbines and compact fluorescent bulbs.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    This is exactly like Newt Gingrich nailing all his secretaries, interns and aides while leading the Clinton-Lewinsky B.J. impeachment hearing. You know… if eating a burger and fries were the same as cheating on your spouse.

  4. SorosBot

    Good job exposing Michelle Obama's hypocrisy, Washington Post, because she's always advocated eating nothing but healthy foods and never ever ever eating something unhealthy instead of advocating eating healthy most of the time which allows for occasional unhealthy treats, if she did that then your treating her eating a burger as somehow wrong would mean you Washington Post guys are a bunch of idiots just out to smear the First Lady in a completely inaccurate way.

  5. EatsBabyDingos

    In related news, Newt and Whaley were seen at the gym eating carrots and celery.

    No, that's just fantasy. And with that I am off to the beach to show off my anus-burger belly.

      1. EatsBabyDingos

        Thanks! It was serendipity, like RonPaul resigning, uhhh retiring. Blissful, but confusing.

  6. CrankyLttlCamperette

    And I'll bet she'll have all 1,700 of those calories burned off at the WH gym before the end of the week…

    A burger once in a while won't kill you. A burger every meal, will.

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      You mean you'll die if you eat a burger every day? How about if you don't? Will you still die?

      See, it's all just a negotiation between you and your coronary arteries.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I read an article where scientists state that the first person to live to 150 years old has already been born.
        Would you really want to live to be 150 years old?

          1. flamingpdog

            And he'll still be holing up in hotel rooms with and videotaping girls, one of them under 116 years old.

          2. Lascauxcaveman

            Lol, and Dick Clark will be the first to hit 125. Heck, that's probably next fall, isn't it?

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "And I'll bet she'll have all 1,700 of those calories burned off at the WH gym before the end of the week…
      A burger once in a while won't kill you. A burger every meal, will."

      It's liberal elitist fact nancies like you that are destroying this country, you with your "reason", and your "facts", and your commie non-hysteria!

    1. Larry McAwful

      That's not exactly jealousy. It's more like exasperation. I believe his exact words were, "I eat that every single goddamned day for lunch–twice–and she gets all the publicity? Goddamned liberal media!"

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      "I stopped at the McDonald's drive-through for a #4 (medium fries, 1/4-pounder, large "diet") on my way to lunch."

  7. baconzgood

    Yes becuase if you want healthy children you must never eat anything but bean curd and rice cakes.

  8. LabRodent

    Being married to a Black women I know its has to be hard for Michelle not to say "KISS MY BLACK ASS BITCHES IM THE FIRST LADY"

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Hail Ronald, Full of Mayo
    Blessed are the Holiest McFries
    Blessed are the Fruit of the Hot Apple Pies
    Mayor McCheese, Keeper of the Secret Sauce
    Keep Warm our Dinners
    Now and until the Hour of the Thick Frosty Shakes
    Mm-mm.

  10. Angry_Marmot

    Those willing to work can be hired to chase fat children through the streets. The meat would be better marbled, leading to better heart health for our masters and full employment for the poor.

  11. MLHencken

    Shake Shack is fucking great, and goddamn it, girlfriend can have a burger if she wants to. That posterior cannot run on carrots alone.

    The booty must be maintained, no matter what the cost.

    1. finallyhappy

      I don't eat meat but I did want to try a shake and fries- but the line is always so long.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    About the saddest thing I've read all day, after browsing Shake Shack's online Custard Calendar for July — featuring exotic flavors like Salted Caramel and Sweet Corn — is tucked in a fine print caveat at the very bottom: "The Citi Field Shake Shack serves Vanilla custard only."

    Imma have to get my locations straight before I trek up there for my dessert fix.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Oh sweet Mumbletypeg, will you get me a Salted Caramel, that sounds so fantastic. I love custard, actually I love any and all dairy products including Buttermilk and Kefir.

      1. finallyhappy

        So this very Shake Shake in DC was so crowded, I had salted caramel frozen yogurt at Pinkberry which is across the street. DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY at Pinkberry. Salted Caramel is very popular in France now but Bertillion did not have it the day I was there.

        1. Limeylizzie

          I loathe Pinkberry, if I am going to have a tasty treat I am going all the way, not some freaky faux-cream crap.

      2. mumbly_joe

        There's actually a wonderful Shake Shack on 86th on the East side, it seldom has the atrocious lines that Madison Square park has, and this is an absolute nightmare for me, because it's literally directly across the street from my gym.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      Lizzie how funny it is to imagine you daydreaming about the myriad of custard flavahs…

      This is what came to mind when I saw the Vanilla-only alert on shakeshack.com. It's an aged thrift-store t-shirt too threadbare for me to wear anymore.

  13. CapeClod

    Think Nancy Reagan wasn't totally high on goofballs when she was preaching Just Say No? Didn't think so.

  14. Poindexter718

    The fats don't go to ShakeShack because the service is too slow and there is no dollar menu.

      1. finallyhappy

        What is this mayo on burger thing? I don't eat meat anymore but when i moved down south here to DC long ago and ordered a burger, the waiter said "Ketchup ,mustard, mayo?" MAYO is for tuna and in Beligum, frites

  15. MissusBarry

    First, big fucking deal. Moderation, like other things idiots don't believe in, is real and realistic. Power to you for enjoying a delicious treat, FLOTUS. Fuck the haters and fuck WaPo for this bit of horseshit.

    Second, at least a ShackBurger is made from actual beef from non-anus parts of non-sick-hormone-fed-sad-cows, making it constitute actual food. Not necessarily the healthiest option, but not not made from anus or feces.

    1. finallyhappy

      I think they use real milk and such in the shakes instead of the "mix" one finds in Wendy's and MC Donalds.

      1. MissusBarry

        Indeed. And, do we have reports on the lines for non-secret-service-protected folks? Shockingly, I'm a bit of a misanthrope and have been trying to avoid Shake Shack until the newness-excitement dies down. Doh, probably just got a new boost in business. Maybe this fall.

  16. widestanceroman

    Moderation is slavery, and creates 0 jobs with all its culinary uncertainty, except for socialist Obamacare doctors who must treat children who went for walks and got hit by cars as dictated by the FLOTUS.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    In other burger-related news, Fuddrucker's officially announced that they are changing the name of their restaurants nationwide to Buttfuckers.

  18. riverside68

    That is exactly the reason I quit on Gin and Tonics.

    Michelle, this martini is for you!

  19. widestanceroman

    You know who else likes "french" fries?

    (please enjoy this shameless reply-generating comment)

    1. MozakiBlocks

      Me! Though my booty is nowhere near as magnifcent as the FLOTUS'.

      But hope springs eternal

    2. Doktor Zoom

      The Dutch. Only they put mayonnaise on 'em. I've seen 'em do it, man. They fuckin' drown 'em in that shit.

      1. widestanceroman

        Having once watched a very large woman apply quantities of butter to a hub cap of fries as a prelude to the gravy, the mayo on fries thing no longer disturbs me so much.

  20. hagajim

    Anusburgers are OK – once in awhile, I mean her husband has to deal with anuses every damn day (that means you Cantor and McConnell)

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      It's really hard to read the comments on any Web site after you spend time here. What a desert of wit it is out there.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        And I keep running my cursor over the pix at other sites expecting the clever alt-texts. Dammit!

      2. riverside68

        ya I agree, I don't have anything to add, but I like seeing my name on the web so I thought I would tag along on your comment which was so much better than anything I could say, and by replying to it I get to show I am hip enough to understand what the cool kids are saying, BTW did you see what was in the paper this morning? Wasn't that amazing?

        also

    2. Doktor Zoom

      She is the most horribly ugly cow ever to disgrace the White house. And have you noticed how URBAN she is?

  21. Andrew Drinker

    Son (yes, I'm calling you son even with "grampa" in your name), if your martini is only 190 calories, you're doin' it wrong! You need one of those 10-oz monster glasses, not some Dixie cup!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      No, no. I'm with the smaller size martinis myself. (Easier to keep them cold all the way down to the olive.)

      Serve 'em up small. Just keep 'em coming.

      1. V572 der Plaatz

        I've been allowing myself one ice cube these days. Keeps it colder without too much dilution. Just like the debt ceiling, it's a compromise.

        1. riverside68

          keep a fresh glass and the alcohol in the freezer.

          I haven't tried freezing the olive, I fear it might still be frozen by the time I want to eat it, and that would not do at all.

          1. V572 der Plaatz

            Yes, that does indeed help. The gin should pour out like glycerine. It’s horrifying when bartenders shake your Martini into a frappé of slush and ice crystals.

          2. proudgrampa

            You, sir, are a man after my own heart.
            Alcohol and glass in freezer, check.
            By all means, keep the olives somewhere in the fridge.

            Two questions:

            1. What is your position on Vermouth?
            2. Besides the olive, are your martinis "dirty?"

          3. V572 der Plaatz

            You weren't asking me, but I'll proffer an opinion anyway, this being the Internet after all: 6:1, and no additional brine beyond that contained in the olive(s).

          4. proudgrampa

            6:1 ??? Wow. Now THAT's hardcore. These days, I've taken to waving the bottle over the glass and whispering "vermouth!" Guess that's more like 1,000,000:1, huh?

            Oh, and olives must be rinsed. In ice water.

          5. Lascauxcaveman

            Caveman Tech Tip:

            Olives CAN be kept in the freezer, just dump 1/2 of the olive juice out of the bottle they live in, and top up with gin. Doesn't even have to be the good stuff. Anything that'll work as antifreeze.

            Of course the gin lives in the freezer; the glasses and shaker, too. Dry vermouth in the fridge.

          6. riverside68

            Wow, great tip, I'm going home right now to put some gin soaked olives in the freezer!

          7. riverside68

            I play the field. Sometimes very little vermouth, sometimes with olive juice, sometimes more vermouth, sometimes one olive, sometimes three, it depends on how the sprits move me.

            In my book to be a martini it has to have gin, vermouth, and olive.

            (I inherited Aunt Norma's cocktail mixer from her depression era cape cod bohemian days. Back then the martini was two parts gin to one part vermouth; had to cover up the bathtub taste in the gin. but now days a Rangpur or Bombay Sapphire doesn't much at all.)

          8. proudgrampa

            God, i would have loved your Aunt Norma. But you are correct: these days, there is no need for 2:1. And I have advocated Bombay Sapphire in these blogs forever!

    1. kissawookiee

      Please help a Wonketteer out here. I have been around for a while. I have an average p-ness. How can you tell that you have been hit by the downfister? Is it simply because awesome comments don't go to +1000 immediately? In which case the bastard must be tracking my every move; that's the only logical explanation.

      1. Andrew Drinker

        I'm with ya. I think he uses a script or something because I so often get the downfist within three seconds (literally) of posting a comment. Anyway, you can get triple-digit plus scores on comments and still not get an increase in the p-ness. I would love to see their algorithm because it makes no sense to me whatsoever. It does seem, however, that the higher your p-score, the harder it is to get an increase.

      2. HistoriCat

        You can tell the downfister has been around when you see a string of comments at 0 or -1 or -2. It bothers some people but I know the rest of the Wonketeriat will respond appropriately to good comments. The whole thing is just kind of sad.

      3. finallyhappy

        I stilll do not understand p-score. I hoped there was some prize when you hit 100 but I hear not.

  22. fuflans

    also, this is about as critical as the war on compact fluorescent bulbs while the nation teeters on the verge of financial disaster.

    why can't the summer silly season entail fun stuff instead of outrage and rending of garments?

    1. LiveToServeYa

      I suppose the rending of garments could be fun, though, depending on whose garments are rent.

  23. littlebigdaddy

    Good thing they didn't catch her downing a foot-long. God knows what WaPo would've done with that!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      She could have joined Kortney and her mutant zucchini over on the right hand side of this webpage.

    2. MozakiBlocks

      Doesn't she do that two or three nights a week anyway?

      No, I couldn't help myself on that one.

        1. MozakiBlocks

          I've always said that as long as I'm going to hell, I hope that there's a good in-flight movie.

  24. DashboardBuddha

    OT question – 100% snark free. The Jewish and Muslims are prohibited from eating pork. Beef is ok. But, hot dogs, BK and the like uses parts of the animal that one would not ordinarily eat…like the anus – the thing shit passes through. So, how is anus burger on the menu, but pork isn't?

    1. glamourdammerung

      Most burger places are not in compliance with Jewish religious rules about food. And a shake and burger a meal would actually violate one of the Ten Commandments.

      1. finallyhappy

        Really- no. Yes, very few kosher restaurants anywhere- besides Israel(and parts of NY) but the prohibitions are in Leviticus.

    2. V572 der Plaatz

      Whatever you do, don't look up pastrami in Wikipedia. It's not even Italian, but that's not the bad part.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        I looked it up but didn't see anything untoward. Beside, I love me some pastrami.

        1. V572 der Plaatz

          How’s this from the Wikipedia?“In the United States, although beef navels are the traditional cut of meat for making pastrami, it is now common to see pastrami made from beefbrisket, beef round andturkey.”

          1. DashboardBuddha

            Meh…I eat sausage and hots dogs so my food horror cherry was broken a long time ago. The sticking point for me is that no one expects tubular food stuffs to not have all kind of odd stuff in it. With the right spices almost anything can be delicious (except Japanese Poo Steaks though). McD's and BK, et al are all "enjoy our 100% beef burgers"…like those things even remotely resemble ground beef you'd get at the market.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Have you tried the sausage-inna-bun? Fast, hot, and at such a low price that I'm cuttin' me own throat.

          3. Gunner Asch

            Hey you! Let's see your vendor's license! Or if you just pass me a rat-onna-stick maybe I could overlook any infractions this time.

    1. V572 der Plaatz

      Didja see that woman over @TPM who confronted Paul Ryan for having a couple of bottles of $360 Pinot Noir with his dinner with "economists"? Ridiculous, but pretty funny.

  25. Limeylizzie

    For God's Sake, how can anyone think Michelle is fat and ugly? They haven't seen me first thing in the morning, wearing MrLimeylizzie's underwear and no bra.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I'll die happy once I have Michelle's sexy toned arms. Think her arms will fit in with me in my casket?

        1. flamingpdog

          I'm truly sorry, but I was really enjoying this string until you said that "like a large baby" and then I pictured David Vitter in a diaper.

          It's not quite lunch time – can I start drinking anyway?

  26. NorthStarSpanx

    It's all about the Free Market's ability to make you think you can 'moderate' yourself from drinking 10 gallons of corn syrup and artificial color a day.

    I think Michelle's moderate hypocrisy is more preferable to farm subsidies paid to wealthy tax-fighting home-owner elites hat never set foot on their 'farm.' And name any of 'em, all of 'em crimes against good taste, common sense humanity any of the GOP critics commit daily.

  27. simplyblue7

    Michelle Antoinette is eating a fancy meal consisting of burgers, fries, shakes and a diet coke. Excuse me madam FLOTUS but the rest of us are eating…well, just about the same…WHERE'S THE APPLE PIE!?!?!?!

        1. glamourdammerung

          It was a reference to the 2 bottles of $350 wine that Representative Paul Ryan had as a brib–er dinner with some folks that just happened to be lobbyists. Someone pointed it out and he had a cry because he had to pay for some of it.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            it's not hypocrisy, because "Paul Ryan wasn’t out there telling everyone they shouldn’t be drinking wine was he?" –actual comment from Free Republic participant "cubreporter (From TEA to Shining TEA – Go Rush Limbaugh..a giant of all that is good.)"

            Living it up while proposing to kill Medicare is not hypocrisy. Got it.

          2. glamourdammerung

            Accepting gifts over $100 was a criminal offense last time I checked. While we all know he is a hypocrite, I was more concerned about how he can publicly ignore the law and all one hears from the "rule of law" conservatives is racist prattle about someone else getting one hamburger.

  28. mavenmaven

    I'm sure this would lead to one of those right wing "fat michelle" cartoons, which those of us old enough to remember Wonkette's "cartoon fridays" would recall were a prominent tea bagger "humor" meme.

  29. mumbly_joe

    In her defense, Shake Shack has some amazing cheesy anuses. Honestly, even their horrifically-unhealthy-but-technically-veggie burgers are great. Even better is when you get both, on top of one another, which is apparently a thing.

    Honestly, all of the outrage, OUTRAGE every time Michelle Obama eats out is pretty fucking asinine. My most successful diet to date was one that explicitly took into account the fact that no matter what I do, I will eat something unhealthy, some of the time, and just helped me regulate when and how often that happened. Part of having a healthy approach to food is not freaking the fuck out every time you indulge yourself, and recognizing that it's possible to eat healthy most of the time and that a single transgression doesn't mean you should just give up.

    1. user-of-owls

      "One anusburger is too many and a hundred is never enough."

      User O.
      Anusburgers Anonymous

  30. Limeylizzie

    OT, but it looks as if the hideous Piers Morgan's name has popped up in the NOTW hacking scandal.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Just read his bio — what a hypocrite he is! His journalism career is a bullet point list of ethics violations, yet he goes on CNN every night claiming to be "troubled" by American perp-walks and conviction-by-media in the DSK case.

      1. Negropolis

        It's why he's over here in America. They chased his slimey ass out of England, and now he's trying to reinvent himself. You know, I complain about our press, but the British (tabloid) press is incestuous as all kinds of hell with it being so heavily based in one city (London) and all.

  31. An_Outhouse

    When I think of the poor treatment of factory farmed beef cattle, I has a sad. It must be Michelle's turn to present the eternal question 'How has Obama let you down today'?

  32. user-of-owls

    And to think critics said it was a bad idea for WAPO to eliminate the London, Beijing and Cairo beats in order to save the Shake Shack bureau!

  33. KeepFnThatChicken

    …and what does Michelle look like? Is she still slender, and still pleasantly "hip-py"? Are her sweet, sweet arms still toned?

    They are?!

    Fuck right off, WaPo.

  34. Doktor Zoom

    I'm sick of her socialist agenda of cramming "cram less down your throat" down our throats.

  35. Doktor Zoom

    Oh, hey, if you're really into sudden weight loss (via uncontrollable vomiting), here's a Free Republic thread on this vital public issue. Did you know that suggesting that maybe we should think about eating more healthily is intrinsic to the Left's agenda of "furthering collectivist/communist control of the world"?

    I suppose Chris Christie is just big-boned.

    EDIT: Also, this amusing little bit of satire:

    omg Shake Shack?!!!
    Mmmmm baby if that isn't an inspiration to every fat, loudmouth black mama I see waddling around the city, bellowing into her cellphone, all bling-blinged up.

    Come on, girlfriend! We goin' out for burger and fries! Supersize me, baby!

    posted on Tue Jul 12 2011 by the invisib1e hand ("America will cease to be great when America ceases to be good." — Welcome to deToqueville.)

    1. user-of-owls

      Like I said earlier, Chris Christie are big boned…the plural is always called for with them.

    2. glamourdammerung

      I dig how they can post crap like that then cry when people point out their blatant racist remarks.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        People who point out racism are racists, people who point out that tax laws are being redesigned to redistribute income upward to the rich are engaging in class warfare, and people who think that the Constitution applies to everyone are traitors.

    3. finallyhappy

      Won't go to Freeper- I''ll take your word for the stupid racist remarks. Pretty sure, that is all they allow anyway.

  36. imissopus

    Perhaps we've been calling the wrong Obama "morally weak," amirite?

    If I had Republicans coming over to my house every day to tie my spouse up in fruitless meetings, I think I'd indulge in high-calorie comfort food as well.

  37. horsedreamer_1

    I didn't know that the WaPo had changed course & been taken over by militant straight-edgers.

    I guess Ian Mac Kaye cancelling his subscription should have been an hint.

  38. sportshort

    Everything is black and white. I don't know what's so hard to understand about that. The corporate overlords have been drilling it into us for over a hundred years now.

  39. DahBoner

    "A Washington Post journalist on the scene confirmed the first lady, who’s made a cause out of child nutrition, ordered a ShackBurger, fries, chocolate shake and a Diet Coke while the street and sidewalk in front of the usually-packed Shake Shack were closed by security during her visit."

    The morbidly obese Teatard looks at this and says:

    SEE? I WAS RIGHT! I EAT THIS STUFF EVERYDAY AND IT MUST BE HEALTH FOOD. AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH…

    //…thunk…sirens…

  40. sati_demise

    I am most disgusted by the DIET soda than anything. that stuff is poison. But, the CAFO meat is poison too,

    ack, come on Michelle, blech

  41. ttommyunger

    Two wars unwon, economy in shambles, middle east in flames and what does the Wapo use column inches for? Give me a fucking break!

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