RICK SANTORUM IS JEALOUS  9:31 am July 12, 2011

Herman Cain Secret Gospel Album Now Available Online

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

the eagle soars no more.Here is your “new” 1996 Herman Cain gospel album that managed to hide from the Internets up until now, and no surprises on this one really, it’s 100% crappy synthesizer tracks that remind us of when the Internet was just a bunch of Midi files floating around on GeoCities pages. Cain’s vocals also include some backup singing we are not sure is human… screaming eagles? Actually none of this album is as weird as this roadkill eagle logo we found on his website while we were looking this up. Pizza fans the “Cainiacs” freed this monstrosity onto the Internet, so blame them and not Herman Cain, who at least we can say would beat John Ashcroft in a singing competition.

Our quick capsule review gives this album a pretty solid “meh” next to hits like Orrin Hatch singing gay love songs for Ted Kennedy and immortal John Ashcroft ballad “Let the Eagle Soar,” which clinically counts as mind rape.

From CNN:

His album, “Sunday Morning,” was recently released on the Internet, courtesy of Draft Cain, an independent group not affiliated with the campaign. According to Cain’s campaign, the CD was originally released in 1996 by GLC Music, Selah Sound Production and Melodic Praise Records.

The 13-track gospel record was posted by Maurice Atkinson, the head of Draft Cain. It includes religious tracks like “Lord’s Prayer,” “I Must Tell Jesus,” “Hallelujah Square” and “Precious Lord.”

The former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and radio host is no stranger to the stage and is sometimes heard singing on the campaign trail.

So here are some lyrics from “Hallelujah Square.” In this dramatic piece, Herman Cain makes zero mention of Eagles, Freedom, Tears, Fetuses or Eagles, so uh, Rick Santorum, get on that.

I saw a blind man passing along
Pushing his way
As he passed through the throng
Tears filled my eyes
I said, “Sir, you can’t see”
With a smile on his face
He replied to me
I’ll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square
What a wonderful time
We’ll all have a fair
We’ll sing and praise Jesus
His glory to share
And you’ll not see one blind man
In Hallelujah Square.

We don’t think Jesus will ban blind people from heaven, but whatever, Herman Cain, that’s your call. [CNN]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 218 comments }

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:33 am

I hope it's available on iTunes!!!

LabRodent July 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

If I said its on Napster would that be Racist?

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:44 am

Only if your last name is Imus.

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:12 am

Fanning the flames of intolerance, I see.

Dudleydidwrong July 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

Available as a ring tone: call 800-O My Ears

widestanceroman July 12, 2011 at 10:07 am

Looney Tunes is more like it.

C_R_Eature July 12, 2011 at 7:23 pm

No,it's available on MeMeMeMeMEMEMETunes.

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 9:33 am

Herman Cain is the new [bad, Republican] Z.Z. Hill.

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 9:34 am

Also, I feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to run the studio sessions when this was recorded.

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

It was the low point in Rick Rubin's career.

PsycWench July 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

It was probably one of those life-changing events and he/she went back to college, got a degree and went on to actually improve lives, in penance.

SnarkoMarx July 12, 2011 at 9:34 am

The "roadkill eagle" looks like something fossilized under great pressure. That spray of fecal material near its tail probably contains trilobites.

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

the downfister lives, apparently.

SnarkoMarx July 12, 2011 at 10:00 am

Hmmm?

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 10:02 am

Q.E.D., I just upfisted you from a 0. One of the banned trolls, I suspect.

Hurry up and set up a new account, Noman!

SnarkoMarx July 12, 2011 at 11:52 am

Danke

MissusBarry July 12, 2011 at 10:03 am

I think there're a couple this morning. Upfists for all the wonkeratti.

karen July 12, 2011 at 11:34 am

That image was jacked from deviantart. Emo for jesus!

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:35 am

"Herman Cain makes zero mention of Eagles, freedom, tears, fetuses or Eagles"

That's good, because I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

FNMA July 12, 2011 at 9:35 am

Abide, dude.

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 9:39 am

The Dude: Do you find them much, these, stolen cars?
Younger Cop: Sometimes. Wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though.
Older Cop: Or the Creedence.

KeepFnThatChicken July 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

Swear to god. For all the women who whipped themselves up into a middle-aged masturbatory maelstrom when the Eagles started touring again, I just don't understand why.

DahBoner July 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

Take it easy, man…

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Except for that one pooping eagle on the cover, right?

C_R_Eature July 12, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Agreed. "Don Henley Must Die"

Barb July 12, 2011 at 9:35 am

He should have tied this in with his pizza business. "What a Friend We Have in Cheeses" and "Had Jesus Been Here Your Anchovies Pizza Would Have Weighed 80 Pounds"

JerkCade July 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

Gimme that old pie religion

DahBoner July 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

Praise Cheeses!

Lascauxcaveman July 12, 2011 at 11:34 am

He's saving the hit "Don't Eat Baby Cheeses" for his upcoming Christmas album.

smitallica July 12, 2011 at 9:57 am

Deliver Us From Evil (In 30 Minutes or It's Free)?

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

"The Blessed Virgin Don't Wrestle-But You Oughta See Her Box"?

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Oh, my. I hope you read your Bible twice as hard today in penance.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:30 pm

I am beyond the strength of penance, depending solely on Grace and Mercy ;)

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Hey, I know those two gals. I think you're in trouble now. :)

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

Barb, I think you have won the morning.

Barb July 12, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Thanks Dashboard!

LabRodent July 12, 2011 at 9:36 am

Thought he would have covered Al Jolson greatest Hits, hes a big fan.

KeepFnThatChicken July 12, 2011 at 9:37 am

Does he do a cover of The Battleaxe Of the Republic?

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:38 am

Mr. Cain, you're no Al Green.

Mumbletypeg July 12, 2011 at 9:40 am

Gol-dang it, Cain, this has me convinced y'all are all Hallelujah Squares.

Grief_Lessons July 12, 2011 at 10:11 am

Can you imagine Hallelujah Squares as the shittiest knock off game show in history? Herman Cain in the centre square, D-list CHRISTIAN celebrities (hello Kirk Cameron) in the eight surrounding squares. Two diabetic contestants from the blue states answering bible trivia questions posed to them by the animatronic botoxed corpse of William Jennings Bryan.

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

For some reason, Charles Nelson Reilly would still be there.

Mumbletypeg July 12, 2011 at 10:38 am

I recently learned he is "still here" — it looks like an entertaining show.
Add to G_L's lineup: that actor who played Animal Mother in Full Metal… the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond… Hasselback chick from Survivor/The View and I'm sure there's some not-so-cleancut ones I'm forgetting, not to mention some recovering former child stars; Lance Kerwin comes to mind.

Grief_Lessons July 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

I'd like to go with Victoria Jackson for the block.

gurukalehuru July 12, 2011 at 11:11 am

With Lindsey Graham as Paul Lynde.

Nothingisamiss July 12, 2011 at 11:16 am

Oh, yes.

GOPCrusher July 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

FABULOUS!

ManchuCandidate July 12, 2011 at 9:40 am

Where's the tune about the miracle that US America muscular war Jeebus did with the 7 slices and 2 crazy breads?

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 9:57 am

Could Herman Cain really feed 80,000 people with one large, extra-cheese pizza and a two liter bottle of carbonated corn-syrup?

mavenmaven July 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

In the state of our economy and with his party's economic plan, that may be the reality for many people…

EatsBabyDingos July 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

I hope he tries to be a mime next. That's a cd I'd listen to.

Steverino247 July 12, 2011 at 9:41 am

Downfister is obviously a Cain supporter. So, fuck him with the pizza he got fat on.

fuflans July 12, 2011 at 10:27 am

crappy crappy pizza.

Biel_ze_Bubba July 12, 2011 at 10:46 am

Be sure to use one that's fresh from the 450F oven.

CapeClod July 12, 2011 at 9:42 am

May a chorus of Florence Foster Jenkins' sing you to your inauguration, Herman Cain.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Thank goodness Cain will NEVER be inaugurated. Otherwise you might have the mass suicide of millions of your fellow Merkins on your hands.

Dudleydidwrong July 12, 2011 at 9:42 am

Media whores, unite! You have nothing to lose but your
dollars
hearing
taste
propriety
common sense
control of your bowels

ifthethunderdontgetya July 12, 2011 at 9:42 am

Said the blind man, "Don't you see?"
~

ShaveTheWhales July 12, 2011 at 11:22 am

as he picked up the hammer and saw.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:26 pm

To his deaf brother.

EatsBabyDingos July 12, 2011 at 9:42 am

Bipartisanship dictates a duet with Alvin Greene.

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 9:52 am

Oh, yes. Just Alvin hollerin' in the background while Cain sings over it.

Actually I think I may have heard that already, but it was on a Einstürzende Neubauten album.

EatsBabyDingos July 12, 2011 at 10:09 am

Or maybe they can redo the Flying Lizard's version of "Money (that's what I want)," dedicate it to his party, and ol' Alvin can sing the vaguely zombie-chant background vocals.

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:13 am

I think that was that Rob Zombie song with the Screamin' Jay Hawkins sample, actually.

AJWjr. July 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

Show me The Way…

LetUsBray July 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

You guys are all more racist than Jon Stewart for making fun of this work of art.

Chillwaver July 12, 2011 at 9:43 am

The "ironic" value of this shit is so high that hipsters can't wait to get it on vinyl…

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 9:44 am

Let the Deep Dish Soar.

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

That's Amore!

Schmegeg July 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

If he would just promise to only cut medicare a little bit he could be President. Now.

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:45 am

Guess we know why they called it GODfather's Pizza.

Barb July 12, 2011 at 9:49 am

GodFather, Son and Holy Ghost Pizza.

CapeClod July 12, 2011 at 9:46 am

OK, but when Sarah Palin puts out an album I'm going to puncture my own ear drums.

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:52 am

I've got an aural vision of Edith Bunker's singing at the beginning of "All in the Family."

Ducksworthy July 12, 2011 at 9:54 am

Buddy we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again. Oh, wait. We have the whole Tea Party, so never mind.

MLHencken July 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

Potential Palin album title: "Songs to slit your fucking throat by."

FNMA July 12, 2011 at 10:05 am

"Exile of Grifter Street."

A person can hope…

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:29 am

If the Half-Term Duh'vnor records an album in France, she will lose all her supporters. So, yes, do it, Sarah.

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 10:12 am

Well, you can be sure there will be a cover of that old tune "Money (That's What I Want)", probably the opening track.

carlgt1 July 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

I'd love to hear her cover The Who's "You Betcha You Betcha You Bet!"

Monsieur_Grumpe July 12, 2011 at 9:47 am

It could have been worse. It could have been a country album. I actually listened to some of the recordings. Not a horrible voice but his intonation is really bad in some spots and the arrangements are like having cotton candy shoved in every orifice in your body while main lining corn syrup.

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:59 am

In the country music industry, there's only room for one black artist, and Charley Pride is still alive.

FNMA July 12, 2011 at 10:06 am

You forgot about what's-his-name, the Hootie guy.

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

& Cowboy Troy from Big n' Rich!

PsycWench July 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

I refuse to listen. I feel certain that it would be like the eagle soaring and then pooping into both of my eardrums.

Ducksworthy July 12, 2011 at 9:49 am

This is good news for Herman Cain. (Too soon?)

KeepFnThatChicken July 12, 2011 at 9:51 am

I have no respect for anyone who cuts a Christian record. This behavior is manifest in people who have a "look at meee!!" mentality, but would prefer shrouding it in a "it's for Him" blanket. There's no more ministry in it than the Armani suit a preacher wears.

Meanwhile, the attention whore's face is on the album cover. One would think — being a Christian album — that Jesus's face would be on it.

FNMA July 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

Not to mention that Cain probably fucked Jesus out of any residuals.

GOPCrusher July 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm

So you're basically betting the farm that Sarah Palin will do one next?

Mumbletypeg July 12, 2011 at 9:51 am

Do you think "Our God is an Awesome God" is too white-bread for H-Cain to consider piping out a cover of it? I'm asking on behalf of Ms. Benincasa (on behalf of Jack Dorsey) and her recently shared parachurch-hymn-fetish, which sets a new bar for bible humping enthusiasts.

Serolf_Divad July 12, 2011 at 9:52 am

The 13-track gospel record was posted by Maurice Atkinson, the head of Draft Cain. It includes religious tracks like “Lord’s Prayer,” “I Must Tell Jesus,” “Hallelujah Square” and “Precious Lord.”

Yeah, but if you listen closely to the very end of the song as the music fades you can barely make out the words:

"Really wanna see you Lord/Hare Krisna, Hare, Hare/Hare Krishna…"

bagofmice July 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

By the gods!

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 10:25 am

So will we be seeing a copyright infringement lawsuit by the Chiffons soon?

weejee July 12, 2011 at 9:53 am

None "Won't Get Fooled Again"?

ShaveTheWhales July 12, 2011 at 11:25 am

"Babbling O'Reilly?"

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 9:54 am

If you play the album backwards, it praises Satan Queer Obama.

Ruhe July 12, 2011 at 10:40 am

Now that's apophenia I can believe in!

ifthethunderdontgetya July 12, 2011 at 9:54 am

Herman Cain's candidacy reminds me of Ken Blackwell's run for Ohio Governor in 2006.

In spite of helping steal the election for G.W. Bush here in 2004 when he was Secretary of State, the Republicans just weren't that into him as a Governor, for some reason…
~

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I can't think what that might be. Pls 2 enlighten?

OC_Surf_Serf July 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

God Peddler Pizza?

ShaveTheWhales July 12, 2011 at 11:26 am

Godbotherer Pizza.

mumbly_joe July 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

Is that song about how the disabled should kill themselves, because they won't be getting any soshulizm jesus hand-outs here on earth? I'm going to assume 'yes'.

LabRodent July 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

If you play it backwards he says "Obamas gonna win in a landslide over and over again. Scary

MissusBarry July 12, 2011 at 9:56 am

Perhaps I'll do some drugs, and try to sync it up with "Mystic Pizza." Ok, that was bad, even by my standards.

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 9:57 am

If Heaven means going to the fair with Herman Cain, I'd rather just be dead. (I hate the fair – and have ever since I threw up funnel cake behind the spider ride in 1981.)

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 10:04 am

I only go to the fair to stare in awe and marvel at the people that work the carnival rides. It's like de-evolution in action.

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 10:10 am

Speaking of de-evolution, you should come let me show you around the Alabama State Fair, it will BLOW YOUR MIND.

Ducksworthy July 12, 2011 at 10:38 am

Word is, Minnesotans are going to be upset that there's no state fair this year because of "no new taxes".

Nothingisamiss July 12, 2011 at 11:21 am

Oh, gawd, Fakakta, that's a field trip I could believe in. (But then I'd want to die.)

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 11:39 am

See, it's all in how you look at it. I just walk around feeling all smart and thin, but then I'll always take superiority on the cheap. It's how I cope here in general. (and by talking shit on wonkette I guess, cause when you find another intellectually curious person you hold them so much closer and tighter)

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 10:09 am

What is a Spider Ride? I too hate all those rides, I am a vomiter of some magnitude having suffered from motion sickness since childhood.

MissusBarry July 12, 2011 at 10:13 am

http://www.flatrides.com/Ride%20Index/EyerlySpide

Sorry, I must get up on the html malarkey.

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

That's it! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaag…spinning and spinning on a small arm while the big arm also spins. When I see it, I smell hot dogs and want to puke.

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 10:18 am

Eeeew, they call that the Whip in England, yes I have also vomited after that experience.

MissusBarry July 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

Sorry for the vom memories. I had a near-vom experience on the spider as a kid. In general, the spinning rides are not my best bet, but I do love a good roller coaster.

AJWjr. July 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

Thought that was the Octopus…

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 10:18 am

I once watched my cousin riding on the spider. She had a thing for cotton candy and strawberry soda at the time. Watching the lovely arc of pink vomit spray across the midway and my cousin's subsequent embarrassment was one of the high points of my young life.

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 10:29 am

I bet that was amazing. I love pink!

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

This is the Dive Bomber.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGwnlJLz8Vc&fe

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

Vomit Comet

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

That's the BULLET! EW! Panama City Miracle Strip – first time I felt "Gs" on my face. My poor dad was trapped in it with me and the whole time I was threatening – "I'm gonna puke!" the look of abject fear on the man's face…lucky for him I waited.

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

She loved pink too, still does but no more strawberry soda.

proudgrampa July 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

This thread reminds me of the Wall of Death:
http://www.californiahellriders.com/id2.html

LesBontemps July 12, 2011 at 9:57 am

Needz moar Elijah Muhammad.

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

"The Final Call" meets the "The Final Countdown".

LesBontemps July 12, 2011 at 10:27 am

Okay, I had to go google "The Final Countdown," and then I threw up in my mouth. Let's just go with "needz moar cowbell."

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:31 am

It's a good song!

But you're alright, LesBontemps ('cause your avatar makes me think of the commenter RolledMeat, at a long ago internet haunt of mine).

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 10:49 am

Oh, I thought you were talking about the time travel movie.

Ducksworthy July 12, 2011 at 9:58 am

Is Hallelujah Square like Hollywood Squares only with famous meth snorting hypocrites?

Barb July 12, 2011 at 10:19 am

"Peter, I'll take Bristol Palin for the diagonal win" (the answer is always FALSE when you pick her. She doesn't know the truth)

__kth__ July 12, 2011 at 10:38 am

Ted Haggard in the center square for sure

Radiotherapy® July 12, 2011 at 10:06 am

Say what you will, this guy could sure put out some cheesy platters.

baconzgood July 12, 2011 at 10:07 am

"I saw a blind man passing along
Pushing his way
As he passed through the throng
Tears filled my eyes
I said, “Sir, you can’t see”
With a smile on his face
He replied to me
I’ll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square
What a wonderful time
We’ll all have a fair
We’ll sing and praise Jesus
His glory to share
And you’ll not see one blind man
In Hallelujah Square."

My confounded partner she sais
meow meow meow beep-beep
next time you kids run through my yard go around
I'm gonna call your mother and father down here
I'm gonna break your arms and both your legs
I'm gonna cut little gill slits in the side of your neck and
BLOW IN 'EM WITH A STRAW!!!

(FIXED)

Steverino247 July 12, 2011 at 11:15 am

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
He was looking for a candidate named Herman Cain
Wanting to bash in his fucking brains

Ahchoo! Don't be a werewolf in the rain.
Ahchoo!

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I LERVE when you talk dirty to me.

donner_froh July 12, 2011 at 10:08 am

The "roadkill eagle" looks like it was just stuffed through the turkey shredder behind Sarah Palin.

weejee July 12, 2011 at 10:08 am

OT

We laugh a lot about teh Michele and her potential First Douchebag Marcus, but Barry's Administration has finally responded to moving marijuana off Schedule I with a loud and clear FOAD. That is batshit crazy, IMO.

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

Goddam liquor industry lobby.

DahBoner July 12, 2011 at 11:16 am

Partnership For A Drug Free America = Budweiser

PsycWench July 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

The Feds respond to any pro-marijuana legislation the way creationists respond to any basic information about evolution: chant your clearly disproven mantras while sticking your fingers in your ears.

KeepFnThatChicken July 12, 2011 at 11:13 am

How do you keep the corporate prisons full otherwise? There's no more jobs in the Marshall Islands; somewhere in America we still must manufacture goods!

ShaveTheWhales July 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

No DEA Agent Left Behind.

GOPCrusher July 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

We should never, ever hear anything bad again about Mexican Drug Cartels.

BornInATrailer July 12, 2011 at 10:08 am

Really? No Blazing Saddles reference yet?

Son, I am disappoint.

El Pinche July 12, 2011 at 10:14 am

I love Buffalo Uncle Tom!

weejee July 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

Oh sweet Jebus, a Crisco avatar.

El Pinche July 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

Yeah I'm sporting Newt's womannequin.

EatsBabyDingos July 12, 2011 at 10:43 am

He's a soda jerk?

horsedreamer_1 July 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

Herman Cain should sue Deer Tick, for copyright infringement.

PsycWench July 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

It makes sense to me. Eat plenty of Herman Cain's pizza and you'll meet Jesus soon enough.

Weenus299 July 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

I saw a blind man passing along
Pushing his way
As he passed through the throng
So I pushed him down,
because he's blind,
and he can't see who I am.
I got in a good slug in the ribs,
then picked him up and
slung him into the ropes
and delivered a tomahawk chop
into his gullet.
Tears filled my eyes
I said, “Sir, you can’t see”

He replied to me
I’ll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square
What a wonderful time
We’ll all have a fair
We’ll sing and praise Jesus
His glory to share
And you’ll not see one blind man
In Hallelujah Square.
Because I gave him a DDT
right there,
and he's dead.

DerrickWildcat July 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

I like the logo. It has a cool Jasper Johns vibe.

lumpenprole July 12, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Thought Ralph Steadman, I kinda like it too.

carlgt1 July 12, 2011 at 10:18 am

how about 'Hallelujah I'm A Bagger?'

smitallica July 12, 2011 at 10:18 am

Every order of Cain's pizza comes with free Crazy Bread. And I do mean fuckin' CRAZY.

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 10:19 am

I'll take Jesus in the Hallelujah Square for the win!

bagofmice July 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend, be sure and tell her I said …

__kth__ July 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

I got a feeling I don't want to know

fuflans July 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

when the Internet was just a bunch of Midi files floating around on GeoCities pages

i miss those days.

HistoriCat July 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Good times.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

Why does everybody in America think they are a singer? My sister and I would visit my comatose Granny and sis would invariably sing to her. I told her I hoped I never wound up like Granny 'cause I knew fucking well she would come by and sing to me if I did.

Steverino247 July 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

As a youth, I had to put up with an afternoon of listening to an extremely drunk great aunt pounding on an out-of-tune upright paino and bellowing "The Old Rugged Cross" in her 29 Palms hovel.

This is why I strenuously uphold the Geneva Conventions.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:28 pm

You will, indeed to to Heaven, my son, having spent your time in Hell.

Steverino247 July 13, 2011 at 12:17 am

And I'll cling (bang) to the old (bang) rugged cross (bang).

And exchange it for another fifth of vodka, probably.

ttommyunger July 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

My fav: “We are sinking deep in Sin……..Whooopeeee!” or “Amazing Grace, sit on my face!”

GOPCrusher July 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I blame it on the Auto-Tune.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Good call.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:37 pm

My poor father, who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket or ten, would sing to himself quietly sometimes when working. Every song had the exact same goddamn tune, no matter how many times we played it or sang it for him. He just didn't get that whole "tune" thing. He died last year, and I would give both my arms to hear him singing one more time. I'd mock him, too, but hell.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Everybody has their job, his was to drive you quietly nuts, yours was to mock him in return. Fixed.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 10:51 pm

And you told me I was a lousy judge of character. Pfft! :P

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Rule 1-Pay no attention to anything I say.

DaSandman July 12, 2011 at 10:33 am

Well, who amongst the Wonketeriat doesn't have a secret disco CD?

The real question is can he cure the gheys and make em' all straight?

BornInATrailer July 12, 2011 at 10:49 am

Secret? I've got piles of disco.

Why, the only KISS song on my iPhone is "I Was Made For Lovin' You"

AJWjr. July 12, 2011 at 11:59 am

Me. The closest I had to anything disco-related was Chuck Wagon and the Wheels singing Disco Sucks.
Added bonus: "B" side was "Let's use the Arabs to Test the Neutron Bomb". which was good news for John McCain, even then.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:38 pm

One look at his nekky pikky and I'd be scared straight for sure.

Andrew Drinker July 12, 2011 at 10:34 am

8-track tape or GTFO

LiveToServeYa July 12, 2011 at 10:37 am

That would explain why the pepperoni topping looked like Jesus in a connect-the-dots.

BaldarTFlagass July 12, 2011 at 10:41 am

That reminds me of Father Guido Sarducci's "Find the Popes in the Pizza" contest.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Upfist for Father Guido.

OneDollarJuana July 12, 2011 at 10:37 am

Less of an ear-worm, more of an ear-python wrapped in sand paper.

EatsBabyDingos July 12, 2011 at 10:45 am

Needz moar Herman Munster. No, it doesn't, its monstrous enough.

Mumbletypeg July 12, 2011 at 10:49 am

your “new” 1996 Herman Cain gospel album

You know who else took something that was "once old," and then magically or tragically caused it to "become new again"?

HistoriCat July 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Coca-Cola?

Zombie_Reagan July 12, 2011 at 10:58 am

NEEDS MOAR SYNTH

Barrelhse July 12, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Harelip.

DahBoner July 12, 2011 at 11:13 am

"I saw a blind man passing along"

So I tripped him and stole his money.

Because he is nothing but a lazy parasite, probably faking it.

And I am a Mighty Job Producer!!!!

mavenmaven July 12, 2011 at 11:22 am

So how come this never happened in one of Cain's pizzas? http://www.heraldsun.com.au/lifestyle/the-other-s

DashboardBuddha July 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Damn…that thing is hideous. It looks more like a skull or Jason's mask.

proudgrampa July 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

"It's already proven a good luck charm.

"After discovering it, the owner of the store parked in a loading zone and didn't get a parking ticket,'' they wrote on eBay."

Wow. Just wow.

Gunner Asch July 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

The owner was just playing it for the lulz. Those deported miscreants in Australia are smarter than us Puritans.

FlyOverGirl July 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

I sense a Broadway musical!!!!

mavenmaven July 12, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Herman Cain has downfisting trolls as well? Or does he force his delivery boys to work with Spanky2b as part of their minimum wage?

Guppy06 July 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

What does any of this have to do with The Crow?

Sue4466 July 12, 2011 at 6:45 pm

That's it! Exactly what it was reminding me of but couldn't think of.

Guppy06 July 12, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Maybe he's aiming for the goth vote.

SheriffRoscoe July 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm

That's the thing I hate most about blind people, the way they push their way through the throng.

mavenmaven July 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Somewhat OT, but given that he wrote two of the most memorable songs in American history, Sherwood Schwartz, who fueled much of what many of us watched when home sick from school, passed away http://www.tmz.com/person/sherwood-schwartz/

user-of-owls July 12, 2011 at 1:51 pm

And you’ll not see one blind man
In Hallelujah Square.

This was a Puzzlah on Car Talk the other day. Why won't he 'see one blind man' in the square? Because he's blind. Because that's the first thing they do when you enter the square, they pop your little eyeballs out like so many apricot pits.

Barrelhse July 12, 2011 at 4:30 pm

The eagle looks as if he just finished interviewing Lori Klein.

Sue4466 July 12, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake. Just found out the asshole who did the "draftcain" site is from Macon, GA. The city that also brought you Eric Erickson and Nancy Grace. As a transplant to Macon, I apologize for this trifecta of stupid.

Barrelhse July 12, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Thumbs-up all around, it's on me.

C_R_Eature July 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm

I'd like to see Hermie cover THIS LITTLE DITTY

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

I have probably ralphed on all of them, but I "like" speed – esp compared to spinning or slinging or way up high. Oh forget it, I HATE it all – but apparently not as much as the diligent down-fister today. Whoever-they-is is hard at work…click click click…that's kinda impressive

MissusBarry July 12, 2011 at 10:36 am

Seriously, apparently McDownfisty loves both Hermie and spinning fair rides.

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 11:14 am

My worst ever was on a thing called the Dive Bomber, I will see if I can find a picture, it rotated one way and then spun at the same time, I was a puking fool on that , both during and after the ride

Thurman Munster IV July 12, 2011 at 11:08 am

"I'd like to go with Victoria Jackson for the COCK block."

/fixed/

Grief_Lessons July 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

I'm a team player, lobbing up softballs like that…

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

It is the worst thing I have ever been on, well apart from that fat man I pity-fucked and I had to lift up his fat-apron in order to find the goods.

FakaktaSouth July 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

You weren't in The States with Gov Christie were you? Propping that shit up on your head will play hell with one's neck to be sure.

Limeylizzie July 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Not quite that fat, but fat enough.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Me too. This must be the SF-geek section.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Socially, or Biblically?

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Slut.

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Me? Guilty, yoah Honor!

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Upfisted for honesty. :D

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Too many witnesses for me to get by with a lie.

PristineODummy July 12, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Yeah, I think that finally sank in. :)

ttommyunger July 12, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Cool.

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