rick santorum is jealous

Herman Cain Secret Gospel Album Now Available Online

the eagle soars no more.Here is your “new” 1996 Herman Cain gospel album that managed to hide from the Internets up until now, and no surprises on this one really, it’s 100% crappy synthesizer tracks that remind us of when the Internet was just a bunch of Midi files floating around on GeoCities pages. Cain’s vocals also include some backup singing we are not sure is human… screaming eagles? Actually none of this album is as weird as this roadkill eagle logo we found on his website while we were looking this up. Pizza fans the “Cainiacs” freed this monstrosity onto the Internet, so blame them and not Herman Cain, who at least we can say would beat John Ashcroft in a singing competition.

Our quick capsule review gives this album a pretty solid “meh” next to hits like Orrin Hatch singing gay love songs for Ted Kennedy and immortal John Ashcroft ballad “Let the Eagle Soar,” which clinically counts as mind rape.

From CNN:

His album, “Sunday Morning,” was recently released on the Internet, courtesy of Draft Cain, an independent group not affiliated with the campaign. According to Cain’s campaign, the CD was originally released in 1996 by GLC Music, Selah Sound Production and Melodic Praise Records.

The 13-track gospel record was posted by Maurice Atkinson, the head of Draft Cain. It includes religious tracks like “Lord’s Prayer,” “I Must Tell Jesus,” “Hallelujah Square” and “Precious Lord.”

The former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and radio host is no stranger to the stage and is sometimes heard singing on the campaign trail.

So here are some lyrics from “Hallelujah Square.” In this dramatic piece, Herman Cain makes zero mention of Eagles, Freedom, Tears, Fetuses or Eagles, so uh, Rick Santorum, get on that.

I saw a blind man passing along
Pushing his way
As he passed through the throng
Tears filled my eyes
I said, “Sir, you can’t see”
With a smile on his face
He replied to me
I’ll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square
What a wonderful time
We’ll all have a fair
We’ll sing and praise Jesus
His glory to share
And you’ll not see one blind man
In Hallelujah Square.

We don’t think Jesus will ban blind people from heaven, but whatever, Herman Cain, that’s your call. [CNN]

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    1. PsycWench

      It was probably one of those life-changing events and he/she went back to college, got a degree and went on to actually improve lives, in penance.

  1. SnarkoMarx

    The "roadkill eagle" looks like something fossilized under great pressure. That spray of fecal material near its tail probably contains trilobites.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    "Herman Cain makes zero mention of Eagles, freedom, tears, fetuses or Eagles"

    That's good, because I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

    1. MLHencken

      The Dude: Do you find them much, these, stolen cars?
      Younger Cop: Sometimes. Wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though.
      Older Cop: Or the Creedence.

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      Swear to god. For all the women who whipped themselves up into a middle-aged masturbatory maelstrom when the Eagles started touring again, I just don't understand why.

  3. Barb

    He should have tied this in with his pizza business. "What a Friend We Have in Cheeses" and "Had Jesus Been Here Your Anchovies Pizza Would Have Weighed 80 Pounds"

    1. Grief_Lessons

      Can you imagine Hallelujah Squares as the shittiest knock off game show in history? Herman Cain in the centre square, D-list CHRISTIAN celebrities (hello Kirk Cameron) in the eight surrounding squares. Two diabetic contestants from the blue states answering bible trivia questions posed to them by the animatronic botoxed corpse of William Jennings Bryan.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          I recently learned he is "still here" — it looks like an entertaining show.
          Add to G_L's lineup: that actor who played Animal Mother in Full Metal… the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond… Hasselback chick from Survivor/The View and I'm sure there's some not-so-cleancut ones I'm forgetting, not to mention some recovering former child stars; Lance Kerwin comes to mind.

      1. mavenmaven

        In the state of our economy and with his party's economic plan, that may be the reality for many people…

  4. Steverino247

    Downfister is obviously a Cain supporter. So, fuck him with the pizza he got fat on.

    1. PristineODummy

      Thank goodness Cain will NEVER be inaugurated. Otherwise you might have the mass suicide of millions of your fellow Merkins on your hands.

  5. Dudleydidwrong

    Media whores, unite! You have nothing to lose but your
    common sense
    control of your bowels

    1. MLHencken

      Oh, yes. Just Alvin hollerin' in the background while Cain sings over it.

      Actually I think I may have heard that already, but it was on a Einstürzende Neubauten album.

      1. EatsBabyDingos

        Or maybe they can redo the Flying Lizard's version of "Money (that's what I want)," dedicate it to his party, and ol' Alvin can sing the vaguely zombie-chant background vocals.

      2. horsedreamer_1

        I think that was that Rob Zombie song with the Screamin' Jay Hawkins sample, actually.

  6. Schmegeg

    If he would just promise to only cut medicare a little bit he could be President. Now.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I've got an aural vision of Edith Bunker's singing at the beginning of "All in the Family."

      1. Ducksworthy

        Buddy we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again. Oh, wait. We have the whole Tea Party, so never mind.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          If the Half-Term Duh'vnor records an album in France, she will lose all her supporters. So, yes, do it, Sarah.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, you can be sure there will be a cover of that old tune "Money (That's What I Want)", probably the opening track.

  7. Monsieur_Grumpe

    It could have been worse. It could have been a country album. I actually listened to some of the recordings. Not a horrible voice but his intonation is really bad in some spots and the arrangements are like having cotton candy shoved in every orifice in your body while main lining corn syrup.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      In the country music industry, there's only room for one black artist, and Charley Pride is still alive.

    2. PsycWench

      I refuse to listen. I feel certain that it would be like the eagle soaring and then pooping into both of my eardrums.

  8. KeepFnThatChicken

    I have no respect for anyone who cuts a Christian record. This behavior is manifest in people who have a "look at meee!!" mentality, but would prefer shrouding it in a "it's for Him" blanket. There's no more ministry in it than the Armani suit a preacher wears.

    Meanwhile, the attention whore's face is on the album cover. One would think — being a Christian album — that Jesus's face would be on it.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    Do you think "Our God is an Awesome God" is too white-bread for H-Cain to consider piping out a cover of it? I'm asking on behalf of Ms. Benincasa (on behalf of Jack Dorsey) and her recently shared parachurch-hymn-fetish, which sets a new bar for bible humping enthusiasts.

  10. Serolf_Divad

    The 13-track gospel record was posted by Maurice Atkinson, the head of Draft Cain. It includes religious tracks like “Lord’s Prayer,” “I Must Tell Jesus,” “Hallelujah Square” and “Precious Lord.”

    Yeah, but if you listen closely to the very end of the song as the music fades you can barely make out the words:

    "Really wanna see you Lord/Hare Krisna, Hare, Hare/Hare Krishna…"

  11. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Herman Cain's candidacy reminds me of Ken Blackwell's run for Ohio Governor in 2006.

    In spite of helping steal the election for G.W. Bush here in 2004 when he was Secretary of State, the Republicans just weren't that into him as a Governor, for some reason…

  12. mumbly_joe

    Is that song about how the disabled should kill themselves, because they won't be getting any soshulizm jesus hand-outs here on earth? I'm going to assume 'yes'.

  13. LabRodent

    If you play it backwards he says "Obamas gonna win in a landslide over and over again. Scary

  14. MissusBarry

    Perhaps I'll do some drugs, and try to sync it up with "Mystic Pizza." Ok, that was bad, even by my standards.

  15. FakaktaSouth

    If Heaven means going to the fair with Herman Cain, I'd rather just be dead. (I hate the fair – and have ever since I threw up funnel cake behind the spider ride in 1981.)

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I only go to the fair to stare in awe and marvel at the people that work the carnival rides. It's like de-evolution in action.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Speaking of de-evolution, you should come let me show you around the Alabama State Fair, it will BLOW YOUR MIND.

        1. Ducksworthy

          Word is, Minnesotans are going to be upset that there's no state fair this year because of "no new taxes".

        2. Nothingisamiss

          Oh, gawd, Fakakta, that's a field trip I could believe in. (But then I'd want to die.)

          1. FakaktaSouth

            See, it's all in how you look at it. I just walk around feeling all smart and thin, but then I'll always take superiority on the cheap. It's how I cope here in general. (and by talking shit on wonkette I guess, cause when you find another intellectually curious person you hold them so much closer and tighter)

    2. Limeylizzie

      What is a Spider Ride? I too hate all those rides, I am a vomiter of some magnitude having suffered from motion sickness since childhood.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          That's it! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaag…spinning and spinning on a small arm while the big arm also spins. When I see it, I smell hot dogs and want to puke.

        2. Limeylizzie

          Eeeew, they call that the Whip in England, yes I have also vomited after that experience.

          1. MissusBarry

            Sorry for the vom memories. I had a near-vom experience on the spider as a kid. In general, the spinning rides are not my best bet, but I do love a good roller coaster.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            I have probably ralphed on all of them, but I "like" speed – esp compared to spinning or slinging or way up high. Oh forget it, I HATE it all – but apparently not as much as the diligent down-fister today. Whoever-they-is is hard at work…click click click…that's kinda impressive

          3. Limeylizzie

            My worst ever was on a thing called the Dive Bomber, I will see if I can find a picture, it rotated one way and then spun at the same time, I was a puking fool on that , both during and after the ride

    3. DashboardBuddha

      I once watched my cousin riding on the spider. She had a thing for cotton candy and strawberry soda at the time. Watching the lovely arc of pink vomit spray across the midway and my cousin's subsequent embarrassment was one of the high points of my young life.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            That's the BULLET! EW! Panama City Miracle Strip – first time I felt "Gs" on my face. My poor dad was trapped in it with me and the whole time I was threatening – "I'm gonna puke!" the look of abject fear on the man's face…lucky for him I waited.

          2. Limeylizzie

            It is the worst thing I have ever been on, well apart from that fat man I pity-fucked and I had to lift up his fat-apron in order to find the goods.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            You weren't in The States with Gov Christie were you? Propping that shit up on your head will play hell with one's neck to be sure.

      1. LesBontemps

        Okay, I had to go google "The Final Countdown," and then I threw up in my mouth. Let's just go with "needz moar cowbell."

        1. horsedreamer_1

          It's a good song!

          But you're alright, LesBontemps ('cause your avatar makes me think of the commenter RolledMeat, at a long ago internet haunt of mine).

  16. Ducksworthy

    Is Hallelujah Square like Hollywood Squares only with famous meth snorting hypocrites?

    1. Barb

      "Peter, I'll take Bristol Palin for the diagonal win" (the answer is always FALSE when you pick her. She doesn't know the truth)

  17. baconzgood

    "I saw a blind man passing along
    Pushing his way
    As he passed through the throng
    Tears filled my eyes
    I said, “Sir, you can’t see”
    With a smile on his face
    He replied to me
    I’ll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square
    What a wonderful time
    We’ll all have a fair
    We’ll sing and praise Jesus
    His glory to share
    And you’ll not see one blind man
    In Hallelujah Square."

    My confounded partner she sais
    meow meow meow beep-beep
    next time you kids run through my yard go around
    I'm gonna call your mother and father down here
    I'm gonna break your arms and both your legs
    I'm gonna cut little gill slits in the side of your neck and


    1. Steverino247

      I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
      Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
      He was looking for a candidate named Herman Cain
      Wanting to bash in his fucking brains

      Ahchoo! Don't be a werewolf in the rain.

    1. PsycWench

      The Feds respond to any pro-marijuana legislation the way creationists respond to any basic information about evolution: chant your clearly disproven mantras while sticking your fingers in your ears.

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      How do you keep the corporate prisons full otherwise? There's no more jobs in the Marshall Islands; somewhere in America we still must manufacture goods!

  18. PsycWench

    It makes sense to me. Eat plenty of Herman Cain's pizza and you'll meet Jesus soon enough.

  19. Weenus299

    I saw a blind man passing along
    Pushing his way
    As he passed through the throng
    So I pushed him down,
    because he's blind,
    and he can't see who I am.
    I got in a good slug in the ribs,
    then picked him up and
    slung him into the ropes
    and delivered a tomahawk chop
    into his gullet.
    Tears filled my eyes
    I said, “Sir, you can’t see”

    He replied to me
    I’ll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square
    What a wonderful time
    We’ll all have a fair
    We’ll sing and praise Jesus
    His glory to share
    And you’ll not see one blind man
    In Hallelujah Square.
    Because I gave him a DDT
    right there,
    and he's dead.

  20. fuflans

    when the Internet was just a bunch of Midi files floating around on GeoCities pages

    i miss those days.

  21. ttommyunger

    Why does everybody in America think they are a singer? My sister and I would visit my comatose Granny and sis would invariably sing to her. I told her I hoped I never wound up like Granny 'cause I knew fucking well she would come by and sing to me if I did.

    1. Steverino247

      As a youth, I had to put up with an afternoon of listening to an extremely drunk great aunt pounding on an out-of-tune upright paino and bellowing "The Old Rugged Cross" in her 29 Palms hovel.

      This is why I strenuously uphold the Geneva Conventions.

        1. Steverino247

          And I'll cling (bang) to the old (bang) rugged cross (bang).

          And exchange it for another fifth of vodka, probably.

          1. ttommyunger

            My fav: “We are sinking deep in Sin……..Whooopeeee!” or “Amazing Grace, sit on my face!”

    2. PristineODummy

      My poor father, who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket or ten, would sing to himself quietly sometimes when working. Every song had the exact same goddamn tune, no matter how many times we played it or sang it for him. He just didn't get that whole "tune" thing. He died last year, and I would give both my arms to hear him singing one more time. I'd mock him, too, but hell.

      1. ttommyunger

        Everybody has their job, his was to drive you quietly nuts, yours was to mock him in return. Fixed.

  22. DaSandman

    Well, who amongst the Wonketeriat doesn't have a secret disco CD?

    The real question is can he cure the gheys and make em' all straight?

    1. BornInATrailer

      Secret? I've got piles of disco.

      Why, the only KISS song on my iPhone is "I Was Made For Lovin' You"

    2. AJWjr.

      Me. The closest I had to anything disco-related was Chuck Wagon and the Wheels singing Disco Sucks.
      Added bonus: "B" side was "Let's use the Arabs to Test the Neutron Bomb". which was good news for John McCain, even then.

  23. LiveToServeYa

    That would explain why the pepperoni topping looked like Jesus in a connect-the-dots.

  24. Mumbletypeg

    your “new” 1996 Herman Cain gospel album

    You know who else took something that was "once old," and then magically or tragically caused it to "become new again"?

  25. DahBoner

    "I saw a blind man passing along"

    So I tripped him and stole his money.

    Because he is nothing but a lazy parasite, probably faking it.

    And I am a Mighty Job Producer!!!!

    1. proudgrampa

      "It's already proven a good luck charm.

      "After discovering it, the owner of the store parked in a loading zone and didn't get a parking ticket,'' they wrote on eBay."

      Wow. Just wow.

      1. Gunner Asch

        The owner was just playing it for the lulz. Those deported miscreants in Australia are smarter than us Puritans.

  26. mavenmaven

    Herman Cain has downfisting trolls as well? Or does he force his delivery boys to work with Spanky2b as part of their minimum wage?

  27. SheriffRoscoe

    That's the thing I hate most about blind people, the way they push their way through the throng.

  28. user-of-owls

    And you’ll not see one blind man
    In Hallelujah Square.

    This was a Puzzlah on Car Talk the other day. Why won't he 'see one blind man' in the square? Because he's blind. Because that's the first thing they do when you enter the square, they pop your little eyeballs out like so many apricot pits.

  29. Sue4466

    Oh, for fuck's sake. Just found out the asshole who did the "draftcain" site is from Macon, GA. The city that also brought you Eric Erickson and Nancy Grace. As a transplant to Macon, I apologize for this trifecta of stupid.

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