hypotheticals

BREAKING Newsweek Cover Story: Sarah Palin Still Not Running

that's sexistWe applaud Newsweek on the headline “I Can Win” for their cover story about Sarah Palin, a person who is not actually in competition for anything and does not care to change out of her jogging outfit for a cover story photo shoot. If only there were something for Sarah Palin to compete at, to win? Palin said this “I can win” line to the reporter in Iowa, where there are certainly no competitions happening, so that’s too bad, but Sarah Palin would win if she were in Iowa, competing at something.  So, thanks Newsweek for that breaking update. Here is the rest of the interview in one sentence: Sarah Palin is upset the price of beef jerky has gotten so high, she does not want Piper to get her hair cut, and she cannot show up for one single thing on time or tell anybody where she is. Hooray, we knew all those things.

Here is another journalism win, for using the terms “quantitative easing” and “beef jerky” in the same breath:

Palin has also become conversant on the subject of quantitative easing, the inflationary effects of which she illustrated with a personal anecdote. “I was ticked off at Todd yesterday,” she said. “He walks into a gas station as we’re driving over from Minnesota. He buys a Slim Jim—we’re always eating that jerky stuff—for $2.69. I said, ‘Todd, those used to be 99 cents, just recently!’ And he says, ‘Man, the dollar’s worth nothing anymore.’ A jug of milk and a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs—every time I walk into that grocery store, a couple of pennies more…”

Redneck-onomics! So now we also know that Sarah Palin, who is paid $1 million a year by Fox News, is also cheap when it comes to gas station snacks. [Newsweek]

Comments

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  • BaldarTFlagass

    Like the guy in the Slim Jim ad said: "EAT ME!"

    • sati_demise

      Garbage in=garbage out. that is all.

  • nounverb911

    She's just saving time. By not running, she won't have to quit.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Win!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wait till she sees what a gallon of gasoline costs these days.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The fuel bill for the Bus Tour to Nowhere (Who Needs a Bridge?) must have been a shocker, unless it was sent straight to some Koch front for payment.

      • flamingpdog

        By quitting payment on the credit card bill halfway through, she saves 50% on gas.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I Can Quit would have been a better (honest) headline.

    • BlueMonkeh

      dammit – beat me to it

      • WunkRocker

        Cue the Lemon Song for the sourpuss queen.

  • LabRodent

    NO YOU CANT!

    • DahBoner

      OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!

  • BlueMonkeh

    I Can Quit.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    She haz to jump in just so she can quit.

    • memzilla

      "We had to quit the race in order to save it." Vietnam, meet Alaska. Alaska, meet Vietnam.

  • nounverb911

    "He buys a Slim Jim—we’re always eating that jerky stuff—for $2.69. I said, ‘Todd, those used to be 99 cents, just recently!’"
    I remember when they were a nickel, (and haven't eaten one since).

    • SorosBot

      It's indicative of Palin, though; she's following the wingnut talking points and whining about the nonexistent threat of hyperinflation when inflation is actually at 0%, so she just decides to lie and make up an anecdote about rising prices that have actually stayed the same for the past few years.

      • mumbly_joe

        It's an especially weird and facile lie (also right up Lou Sarah's alley) when it's something where they frequently print the prices right on the packaging, so really, people would know if the prices went up.

        Like, I spent $3.72 on a bag of chips, at that same gas station she's talking about. I remember when those same bags were just $0.99! It was like last week or something. Just to be clear, the gas station is located in Lou Sarah's imagination.

        • WunkRocker

          heh, eat those slim jims. There are too damn many of ya.

    • flamingpdog

      The folks at the gas station probably saw the Palin bus a mile away and madly dashed to jack up all the prices on their stock before the bus pulled in.

      • Rotundo_

        Known in tourist spots as "The Asshole Surcharge".

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I Cunt Win.

    • DahBoner

      Or more simply: "I Cunt."

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Or to paraphrase Isaac Asimov, "I, Cunt."

        • WunkRocker

          I CVNTIVS (Aplogies to Robt Graves)

  • Ancient_Hacker

    Notice she doesn't try to dissuade Todd from that high-sodium "snack"! Nothing like a two-fer– showing poor nutrition and poor financial sense at one whack.

    • berkeleyfarm

      Oh, she doesn't need to, the "story" was to show how folksy-n-stuff these multi-millionaires are. Sort of like Brisket's "I've worked hard all my life, unlike Megs McCabe". All just tryin' to create the image!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I like her jugs of milk. Not much else. I bet she like the Dicken's Cider, especially the Dicken's Cider Can.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "I Can Win."*

      *a wet t-shirt contest of all Republican 'candidates' for POTUS 2012

      • genxr

        Ron Paul would offer some stiff competition.

      • OC_Surf_Serf

        There is a certain current NJ governor who certainly "fills out" a t-shirt…

        • chicken_thief

          But he ain't running anywhere… ever…

        • riverside68

          He's got the cup size, but lacks any firmness what so ever,

          I'm sticking with Lou Sarah in this contest.

        • PristineODummy

          With giant Moobs O'Fat.

      • ChessieNefercat

        ""I Can Win."*
        *a wet t-shirt contest of all Republican 'candidates' for POTUS 2012"

        Not so fast, missy. Depends on if we limit it to real boobs. If so, Newt could be a real contender. (Wait, are wet t-shirt winners based on size or attractiveness of the chestal area?)

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Was just thinking, is that a quote from her, or is the left hand Zeppelin yelling it at the right hand Zeppelin?

  • Goonemeritus

    Since when do Alaskans allow others to dry their meat products?

    • memzilla

      "Dry my meat product" is a Wasilla High School pick-up line. It worked on Snowbilly Grifterette, Jr.

  • BloviateMe

    ‘Man, the dollar’s worth nothing anymore.’

    If only we knew how that happened.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Yeah. Like it isn't fucking conservatard economic theory, aka Voodoo Economics, at work. Are Americans just stupid, or what?

      What a stupid question. I live in Oklahoma, but since we have about 90 acres to protect us from being near the Rednecks, I forget how STOOPID my fellow okies are.

    • comrad_darkness

      If only that were grammatical, also too.

      The passportless dumbfucks who love this woman have no clue that the dollar lost half its value under Bush.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Damn, the dollar's sure worth nothin' at all if she's getting paid six figures to spout off her ignorant mouth.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    By "I can win" I think she means probably either a grifting or hot dog eating contest.

    • MildMidwesterner

      I shout "I win" whenever "I win" first during fornication. This annoying act ensures that my one night stand leaves immediately, thus allowing for a good night's sleep on my part.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "I Can Win"

    Now would be an appropriate time for Barry's infamous Special Olympics joke.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Yay! I run the race! Yay!

      ETA: LEAVE TRIG ALONE!

  • memzilla

    "Palin has also become conversant on the subject of quantitative easing,"

    You know what I'd like to see a "quantitative easing" of? Media coverage of Sarah Palin, for starters.

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      You just won the…well, its morning somewhere. In any event, thou art upfisted.

    • Terry

      Palin is well known for quantitatively easing the boundaries of truth, dignity, and decency.

      • ChessieNefercat

        And qualitively, also. She doesn't even lie well.

        • NorthStarSpanx

          He got that she's versed in "quantitative easing" from her beef jerky story? Fucking 'filter' of the Lamestream Media strikes in her favor – again.

          • ChessieNefercat

            As if either of the dolts in that article (writer/writee) have the faintest idea what quantitative easing is.

  • LabRodent

    I hope the Lame Stream Media grow tired of her real soon.

    • mourningnmerica

      Have you lost your Goddamn mind? She is like Beluga to them. They can't get enough of the insipid bitch.

      I read the article, and the best part is that they did a photo shoot, and she shows her tits. Pushed together, with an American flag between them. She tried to lick them, but they weren't big enough. Pretty nice pics, though.

      • flamingpdog

        You almost got me to look.

  • LetUsBray

    "I can stick my chest out at the camera".

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Full booby thrust indeed.

    • Callyson

      Maybe Rupert Murdoch will shore up his sagging empire by making her a Page 3 model.

      • genxr

        Or hacking her voice mail.

        • LetUsBray

          It's beginning to look like a list of people whose voice mail he and his henchmen haven't hacked might be shorter.

    • comrad_darkness

      starnipplebursts!

    • chicken_thief

      Isn't this her second gym cloths, chest out cover? She'll be naked on a bear rug before it's all over.

      • SenileAgitation

        barbara feldon redux!

        • mog253

          Ah, Barbara Feldon on a tiger skin rug, how '60s.

    • SorosBot

      She paid top dollar for those new tits, you betcha she's gonna show 'em off.

    • zhubajie

      Just bare'm, Sarah, so we can see if there's really anything there besides a padded bra! Even if they really look like a pair of deflated balloons!

  • DashboardBuddha

    OT: From the top of the picture – That Murdoch thing seems to getting some traction.

    • fuflans

      and it's just DELICIOUS.

      and appalling at the same time.

    • Limeylizzie

      For once I am proud of my people, I hope this craters the whole Murdoch Empire, it's looking worse with every passing day.

      • SorosBot

        I just hope that someone on this side of the pond is looking into if Murdoch's papers here have been up to the same thing.

        • GOPCrusher

          If they aren't, I have lost what little respect for American journalism that I had left.

        • Limeylizzie

          Well, last I heard , they tried to get an ex-NYC cop to get the numbers of 9/11 victims phones, so it seems to be creeping across the pond.

        • Limeylizzie
          • PristineODummy

            Many upfists (or as many as allowed, anyway) for that link.

        • Limeylizzie

          Lookie here!Rupert Murdoch's efforts to contain the scandal within the UK received a further set back on Monday after a Washington campaign group,Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics, called for an investigation into whether any journalists working for NI had hacked into the voice mail of Americans.In a letter to the Senate commerce committee and the House energy and commerce committee, Crew asked the Republican and Democratic members of Congress to overlook their politician differences and investigate reports, which appeared in the Daily Mirror, that 9/11 victims had their phones hacked by journalists.”Congress should immediately investigate whether and to what extent “News of the World” journalists hacked or attempted to hack the voicemails of American terrorist victims, politicians and celebrities as well as whether journalists working for any other News Corporation media outlet in the United States engaged in such tactics,” the letter from Crew's executive director, Melanie Sloan, said.

          • MaxNeanderthal

            What's the difference between Rebekah Brooks and the Sun?
            One's an ugly, lying, dirty little red-top, and the others a newspaper.

        • PristineODummy

          There's already multiple stories hitting the news about the involvement of the Murdoch tool who now runs the WSJ. I'll be glad to see the Murdoch version of that rag go. The pre-Murdoch version was bad enough, but at least they faked being nonpartisan fairly effectively. Sometimes. For the lobotomized.

    • DustBowlBlues

      I hope the UK citizens stay strong on this one, and Nick Clegg would keep up the demands on Newscorp and thereby proves the Liberals aren't completely lame. He should ask himself everyday, "'What would Gladstone do?"

      (Disraeli, of course, would host a toney cocktail party to each Murdoch's worries and line the Tories pockets.)

      • GOPCrusher

        Could this whole situation end up toppling Cameron?

        • PristineODummy

          From your lips to the ears of any benevolent deity or otherspace dweller.

  • Barb

    Jesus, all their "marriage of convenience" needs now is a Slurpee machine to go along with the Slim Jims.

    • BloviateMe

      I think Slurpee Machine is her daughter's nickname, no?

      • Barb

        Yes, this is true. They ran out of cherry flavor and Levi got the blame.

        • flamingpdog

          Slightly, but not much off topic, my boss informed us this morning via e-mail that today is "Free Slurpee Day" at 7-11. (Today's 7-11, get it? Unless you're Limeylizzie and then it's 11-7.)

    • zhubajie

      Do they go to the truck-stops with the little sheds to "sleep" in?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    If Palin wins will she convert Air Force One to a float plane so she can land on the lakes?

    Though tis hard to win if you quit. Just sayin'

  • Rosie_Scenario

    "Okay, Sarah, that's a great pose. Now just step back another foot toward the lake. Yeah, another foot, and maybe another. A little more . . ."

  • freakishlywrong

    It's that radical pinko FLOTUS who is busy pricing Slim Jims beyond grifterbillie's grasp. Hey beyotch, grow a garden.

    • OhNoGuy

      What time of year do you plant Slim Jims?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, everything's more expensive at the gas station/convenience store, you stupid twat. That's what you're paying for, convenience. Get it? You shoulda got the full pallet at Sam's Club, they're a lot cheaper in bulk.

    • mog253

      Oh the humanity, a PALLET of that crap????

    • LouBristol

      They did but it was a long drive back home.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    ‘Man, the dollar’s worth nothing anymore.’

    Todd disagrees….Wasilla's methwhores will do anything for five bucks.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'd buy THAT for a dollar!

  • Goonemeritus

    Sarah loves the role of political prom queen that never puts out. I would be cool with that if she would extend her political abstinence to her need to update us on every inane thought that forms in her cranial orb.

    • Steverino247

      Actually, they form in her colon.

  • V572 der Plaatz

    Tina Brown's magic is much in evidence here. Newsweek is on its way to Total Media Domination. The secret (just between us) is always being in top of the Latest Trends! Plus your news was always a week old when it go to the reader even in the pre-Web days.

    • Urban_Achiever

      Nothing pithy to add here, other than Newsweek's quality has dropped by a thousand percentage points since it became "NewsBeast"…….

  • Barb

    I like the headline above her head "Murdoch's Watergate" Is she "deep throat?"

    • BlueMonkeh

      yes

    • MissTaken

      Nah…deep vagina.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Newsweak: If we put boobs on the cover, we can haz pageviews?

    P.S. Shorter JNS @ TIME: Newsweak is even worse than we are!
    ~

    • DustBowlBlues

      But whose boobs? Mine are old, like me, so that's a no-go. (And how many of you are going to start answering "Sara B"?

      • flamingpdog

        All of us, DB.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    By November of 2012 Sarah Palin will have more appearances on the cover of Newsweek than Pamela Anderson does on Playboy.

    • GOPCrusher

      Yes, but I still contend that Bible Spice will do a Playboy pictorial. Somebody is going to completely take the spotlight away from her, and that will be her nuclear option.

      • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

        Could be–Playboy has some amazing Photoshop artists they can call in for extreme cases.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Who will then go home and rip out their eyeballs and then pour vodka in the empty sockets.

  • qwerty42

    Is she just wandering around the upper mid-west delivering her word salad messages or is she ringin' bells and firin' guns and warnin' folks? It is hard to tell the difference.

    • Terry

      Mostly cashing checks.

    • Steverino247

      Oh, she's "warnin' folks" alright. Warning them of what a disaster it would have been if McCain had defeated Obama.

  • SexySmurf

    At least we now know Newsweek doesn't airbrush their covers.

    • SorosBot

      Didn't they alter OJ Simpson's post-arrest photo to make him look blacker, though? (Or was that Time?)

  • OkieDokieDog

    Shut up, ya dumb cow. Michele Bachmann is the new queen on the teabaggie label. Only because she has not quit and BONUS! she's even a dumber cow than you.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Oh, and thanks again, Old Man McCain.

    • hollywooddood

      Thought process: Let's find a maverick with boobs to fool American women voters into thinking she's just like Hillary.

      • Rosie_Scenario

        And . . . to entice GOP men into thinking she's their “girlfriend.”

      • PristineODummy

        I wouldn't put "thought" in that sentence at all. Clearly, none was applied at the time.

    • krazyvladimir

      A GrIFT that keeps on grifting……..

    • glamourdammerung

      Not quite as bad as collaborating with the North Vietnamese, but definitely more annoying.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    At first I thought the logo on her sweatshirt said "HUGE PENIS." But I was wrong.

    • jakegittes

      Wonder how much she bilked "Edge Fitness" out of for her promise to wear the sweatshirt in the photo shoot. She is such a conniving, scheming sack of crap.

  • Papa_Uniform

    Jeebus, how fucking hard up is Newsweek?

    • Crank_Tango

      all the way, katie?

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Why is it when looking at this cover I end up imagining her as the Griftertron-2000, gazing out over a scorched landscape in the dystopian future that would result were she to become president. That, and the shape of her skull/jawline just seems…unnatural.

    I didn't even like typing that.

    • LetUsBray

      If you think her head looks unnatural, have a gander at her claws.

  • fuflans

    we’re always eating that jerky stuff

    yes sarah, i'm sure you are.

    • DustBowlBlues

      It doesn't make as many crumbs in the car as pork rinds and doesn't turn everyone's fingers orange. She's tidy, if nothing else. But what about the Mt Dew bottles? What do the Palins do with those?

      • tribbzthesquidz

        Burn them in the trash hole in the front yard.

        • Rotundo_

          55 gallon drum with holes punched in the side so the fire can breathe, if they are good bubbas they have some sort of screen to keep the big burning chunks from escaping and landing on the neighbors (or their own) roof and trees. Great time to have a beer and burn stuff, if you want to make it more festive, throw in an aerosol can (Lysol rocks!) and get explosion and flames! Burning trash is the equivalent of a bubbas' golf outing if done right.

    • Terry

      Jerky is as jerky does.

    • mog253

      Brain food, you betcha!

  • Callyson

    While Saint Sarah is whining about paying a couple of pennies more (from her seven – figure salary), people who are really poor are truly hurting:
    But for the planet's poorest 2 billion people, who spend 50 to 70 percent of their income on food, these soaring prices may mean going from two meals a day to one. Those who are barely hanging on to the lower rungs of the global economic ladder risk losing their grip entirely. This can contribute — and it has — to revolutions and upheaval. http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2011/04/25/
    Please, trolls, do explain how tax cuts for the wealthy are going to solve this problem…

    • freakishlywrong

      "Feeding people is jawb killing".

    • DustBowlBlues

      More to the point, there is nothing that tax cuts and tort reform can't fix. Ask our ignorant guv or, well, any Republitard.

    • Steverino247

      That's what should be on the front cover of Newsweek instead of that stupid person.

  • CapeClod

    Desperate magazine puts the world's most annoying attention whore on its cover. How depressingly predictable.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      It is Newzweak.

    • Rotundo_

      What is their full up paying subscriber base these days? You know the dentists and doctors offices must get a sweetheart deal, so what, full cash subscriptions might be in the tens of thousands now? When it was almost free I subscribed to it for a few years, but it just got to the point where even for almost nothing it wasn't worth the space it occupied in my mailbox. Credit card offers were more anticipated…

  • Wilcoxyz

    Did anyone tell her what Newsweek costs? A dollar. Not for an issue — for the whole damn company. That's a bargain. But if you don't read much, you're better off paying the extra $1.69 for the jerky.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm betting she has no clue what a magazine costs. Or a newspaper.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Or anything with the little wordy-lettery readey things, really.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I am glad that Palin has noted that gas stations snacks are over priced because of the Fed's policy of quantitative easing. I cannot wait for her substantive essay on gas station food prices to be published in The Economist.

    • ChessieNefercat

      With three pages of peer-reviewed citations, you betcha.

    • zhubajie

      Prices expressed in terms of their Big Mac Index?

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    You know you else was big on "Winning" and recently disappeared form the face of the earth?

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      Jon Cryer?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Jimmy Hoffa?

    • BlueMonkeh

      Betty Ford?

      What, too soon?

      (If you're old, like me, you remember the W.I.N. buttons from her dead husband's campaign – whip inflation now or some shit.)

    • Andrew Drinker

      Is "Adolf Hitler" just way too easy for this one?

    • SexySmurf

      Every Olympic gold medalist?

    • CapeClod

      Randy "Macho Man" Savage?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Carlos Santana?

    • SexySmurf

      Bo Bice? Ruben Studdard? Taylor Hicks? Hell, just about anyone who's ever been on American Idol?

    • samsuncle

      Jeebus?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That basketball player from Cleveland, who went to Miami … what's his name…

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Space Shuttle Astronauts?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Lance "DOPESTRONG" Armstrong?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Jim van de Hei?

      • PristineODummy

        Jim vandeHei actually ever had any winning?

    • flamingpdog

      Bob Barker?

    • GOPCrusher

      Chris Crocker?
      Oh wait, you said WINNING, not WHINING.

    • mumbly_joe

      Tiger Woods?

  • freakishlywrong

    A Photoshopped, resurrected Lady Di had more relevance, Newsweek.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Blah, blah, blah… tell me when she actually does something.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    And we have the Newspeak author implicitly advancing the notion that QE has caused a big increase in inflation, despite the fact that, you know, it hasn't.

  • Andrew Drinker

    Notice that their food choices are the EXACT POLAR OPPOSITE of what you'd find in a Michelle Obama Victory Garden, in Michigan or elsewhere!

  • PeaceWithHonor

    She has to run. You cannot quit something you haven't started.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    So this won't be the Palin-free week of the Summer???

  • Barb

    I'm surprised that she did an article for Newsweek. They are the ones who sold that extreme close up cover that showed dark course lip hairs, a couple of chin hairs, a pulsing pimple and crows feet on her face "She's One of Us' Fox news went ballistic and had to show the cover over and over again, bringing tons of attention to something that few would have noticed because Newsweek sucks and few buy it.

    • YasserArraFeck

      For any other magazine, she would have shown some nipple

      • Barb

        Yes, her nipple and a story on global warming, "It's Colder Than Sarah Palin's Tittie"

    • berkeleyfarm

      For even more fun, they re-published the cheesecake photo from her "runner's world" spread, and she yelled "SEXIST!"

      I wonder what Tina Brown promised her? I want to see if the cover is "corrected". I know that Sarah might have done her own "correcting" with the water bra she wears when she's feelin' frisky.

  • widestanceroman

    PIty party of one.

    I would send her a new pair of scissors to clip coupons, but I do not care to have her private security visit my home.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I CAN WIN

    Quitters<>winners, etc… too easy. One requires reality to deal with gracefully; and the other, humility. You have a grasp of neither, $arah, but it's not too late to go rogue! Take a page from the original Straight-Talkin' Gov't candidate as he quoted General Sherman: "I will not run if nominated, and if elected I will not serve."

  • Crank_Tango

    Please please please put your grifting money where you whiney victim mouth is and go out there and get your ass handed to you by Hopey. Again. Please.

  • genxr

    She can be a strong negotiator at the G8 summit — provided the other nations can describe all underlying issues in terms of beef jerky.

    • chicken_thief

      She won't attend unless they guarantee bendy straws for her. Also. Too.

  • DaSandman

    Those are some high end store bought titties there.

    Why did she wear a top?

    • berkeleyfarm

      Waterbra, photoshop, or both.

  • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    The only jerky Sarah ever eats is the figurative dick she's munching of Reagan's literal decaying corpse every time she steps up on stage.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "The only jerky Sarah ever eats is the figurative dick she's munching of Reagan's literal decaying corpse every time she steps up on stage."

      I would believe that if I thought she knew anything at all about Reagan besides his name ("say Reagan, people clap, Reagan, Reagan, Reagan!").

      As it is, I think the dick she would most like to munch is her own.

  • smashedinhat

    Palin has also become conversant on the subject of quantitative easing

    I just hope that Sarah Palin gets paid more than LiLo to opine on matters economical like.
    http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2011/06/linds

  • Thurman Munster IV

    You would think Todd would already know how much it costs to eat jerky. He's married to her.

    • DahBoner

      Yeah, but Todd don't lick it where he stick it…

  • fuflans

    huh. i don't remember her being that busty.

    • ChessieNefercat

      She's not. Google Palin Belmont. The girls come and go depending on which bra she drags out from under the bed on a given day, and whether there's some old white Republican guy around that might give her money.

      I have been informed that the old goats on her C4P site think she is just like Loretta Young!

      • berkeleyfarm

        Waterbra!

  • Come here a minute

    If you ask Sarah Palin about liqidity traps, her answer will involve Joe the Plumber.

    • berkeleyfarm

      Don't forget the waterbra!

  • Buckminster

    Slim Jims count as health food in Wasilla.

    • DahBoner

      Yeah, they got one of them there health food stores in Wasilla. It's called "Circle K"…"

      • ChessieNefercat

        Slim Jims are one of the most challenging targets in small-game hunting. Have you ever tried to skin one? Well, Sarah can field dress one, you betcha!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Beef jerky will be the new blood diamonds of this decade.

  • baconzgood

    JERKY LIBEL!!!!!!

  • metamarcisf

    That magazine cover makes her look fat. Why is Newsweek supporting the communists?

  • comrad_darkness

    Those expensive Dijon ketchups…

  • hagajim

    Fuck…bitch couldn't even pronounce quantitative easing much less define it.

  • Barb

    That's not what the cover says "I Can Win"

    It's a fold out cover and the whole thing reads, "I Can Wink My Way Through Anything, Because I Think American Men Vote With Their Penises"

    • genxr

      Voting with my penis is a lot easier since they replaced the punch card lever machines with electronic voting. Now it's like – Whack! Beep! Done.

      • Barb

        I could see some dude, showing up and saying, "I didn't get my chad blown"

    • Rotundo_

      Take a look at the demographics of who voted for Walnuts!/SnowbillyGrifterQueen and they pretty much show that. They were pretty popular with the male half of the population base. Griftette can do it again if the noise machine does its magic.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Oh wow. It's amazing* that Sarah can not understand that when the price of oil goes up so must everything that's made from it and transported by it.

    *not really.

    It would probably blow Sarah's mind even more if someone told her that Slim Jims are not made from real meat.

  • metamarcisf

    "We're always eating that jerky stuff" – I smell a campaign ad here.

    • flamingpdog

      "Where's the beef jerky?"

      • metamarcisf

        Where's the tuna, moron?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Vote for the jerky stuff" would be more accurate.

    • GOPCrusher

      Messing with Sasquatch

    • genxr

      "I know beef jerky. You, Slim Jim, are no beef jerky."

  • SilverFox

    Damn it. I think I went almost a whole week without reading anything about America's favorite grifter.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm a driver, I'm a winner
    Things are gonna change, I can feel it

    She'd really be gettin' crazy if Todd had bought the Cheez Whiz. Yo, cut it.

    • genxr

      Drive by boob job.

  • DaSandman

    What is quantitative easing?

    Is that like an in public handy or something like that? Is it a Wasilla deal?

    Is that how Brisket started before she discovered wine coolers?

    • genxr

      It's when store owners raise the price of jerky for fear of a black preznit.

  • Fox n Fiends

    America's Sweetheart is going to win Iowa in a landslide.

  • Redhead

    Didn't she pose on the cover of Runner's World during the McCain veep days? Maybe that's what she's running for (they do have cameras, after all).

    • ChessieNefercat

      I believe she dressed up for that one. She wore pantyhouse under her running shorts (ew!) and tossed the American flag sloppily over a chair as a suitable backdrop for her hootchie-cootchie-hot-mama posing (not a single shot of her actually, you know, running).

      • GOPCrusher

        I also remember that same picture was used again and the wingnuts went ape shit screaming "That's Sexist!"

        • ChessieNefercat

          Shoot, Sarah herself bitched that it was sexist. Dim cow.

        • berkeleyfarm

          In Newsweek, yet!

    • berkeleyfarm

      I think it was after. She said she could beat Obama in that one, IIRC. Not sure she said at what ;).

  • Oblios_Cap

    Newsweek is still in business? Why?

  • SaintRond

    That cunt.

  • comrad_darkness

    Check out the SI swimsuit edition pose on the dock in the article. Even Newsweek has clued into MILF as her sole qualification for attention.

    • berkeleyfarm

      two words: Tina Brown

  • Oblios_Cap

    If there hadn't been so many Wonkette articles about her before the election, $arah would have never ended up on Grandpa Walnutz' casting couch – HENNGH! – and gotten the backup role.

    So we have no one but ourselves to blame. But I'm not commiting seppuku over it.

    • b[redact]opple

      I still blame Jim Newell for the whole thing.

    • Rotundo_

      Bill Krystol gets that load o'blame, and dammit he just won't do the honorable thing and get the sword and sake out and have it over with. If only we were Japan…

  • 5thstate

    Of course she she was ticked off at Todd …..for paying the asking price for Jerky!

    She could have gotten it for free, by just pretending she needed it for jury duty and America, so she could be undefeated in jogging suits, also. .

  • MinAgain

    She's like a walking Saturday Night Live sketch…Appalachian Publicity Whore.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I thought Jug was the oldest Palin kid.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

    Some people ask me why I hate Sarah Palin so much. I guess it's just a knee jerk reaction to a dumb, photogenic and ambitious politician. You know, after the mess GWB caused.

  • Weenus299

    She wins at quitting. No one ever better.

  • mumbly_joe

    The fact that Lou Sarah considers Slim Jims, which are mostly mechanically separated chicken, to be in the class of "that jerky stuff" is honestly just another clear sign that her redneck credentials are fundamentally phony. Real jerky is actually pretty good, and readily available in real 'merica, if my one trip to The Mountains of Rural North Carolina Where Everyone Stares At Me For Being Brown is any indiciation.

    Oh, and also, where the fuck is Lou Sarah, that slim Jims cost $2.69. I live in the middle of Highcostoflivingville, Manhattan, and I've never seen a fucking Slim Jim break $2.00. Even the extra-thick gluttony-sized ones.

    • YasserArraFeck

      repeat posting

    • YasserArraFeck

      Don't you remember that interview with Lou Sarah blathering on while, in the background, a turkey was being mechanically separated from its head? Bitch has been methodically separating the TeaTards from their cash ever since.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I had a strip of (possibly) artisanal jerky in my Bloody Mary at yesterday's brunch.

      Good eating.

      • mumbly_joe

        Sure. And there's a really great organic jerky place in Brooklyn, that promotes at the botanical garden's cherry blossom festival every year for some reason, and also sells its wares out of a bar the rest of the year.

        But, I think that case is really just a consequence of the fact that hipsters started as/still are an appropriation/affectation of redneck culture.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Git 'er Donne!

  • YasserArraFeck

    So when I ponder the merits of our President, the C-in-C of our Armed Services and the Leader of the Free World, I don't want to waste my time with "Intellect", "Gravitas" and all that bumf – I want to be able to say "Good tits"

    • horsedreamer_1

      Helmut Kohl/Boris Yeltsin 2012!

    • DaSandman

      Yeah yeah…perky. A victory of engineering over gravity.

      President Perky. I like that

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I CAN WIN.

    That's just what Juan Antonio Flecha and Johnny Hoogerland were thinking yesterday afternoon, until the media had it's say.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Even in the bloody Tour, cyclists get fucked by cars

  • DangerHelvetica

    "Sarah Palin on why she's so confident"
    So someone explained the Dunning-Kruger effect to her?

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

      I looked up the DK effect, very interesting. Kind of like: the more I know, the more I know that I don't know. Given this, I can see why Palin thinks she knows everything.

      • DangerHelvetica

        Yeah, it certainly explains a lot about politics. I like to summarize it as "too stupid to know you're stupid".

  • V572 der Plaatz

    All newsmagazine covers must be compared to this one. You wonder what it looked like before the Photoshop wizards went to work on "her."

    • YasserArraFeck

      Talk about jerky – a long string of gristle in a dress

    • flamingpdog

      Jeesus, that head doesn't look right. Looks like they actually (badly) photoshopped that head on there.
      Oh, and nice wishbone she's got there on her chest. Dibs on making a wish with it.

    • chicken_thief

      I saw Coulter on Bill Maher. (M)ann has kinda nice tits, too.

      • ChessieNefercat

        For what species?

    • DahBoner

      Tranny Ann: LGBT for the Trans Am / Camero crowd….

  • gvvt

    She could undoubtedly win anything she didn't compete for.

  • flamingpdog

    Palin has also become conversant on the subject of quantitative easing, .

    Based on the comments on this post, I'd say Palin has also become conversant on the subject of quantitative cock-teasing.

  • L188188

    This is the most attention Newsweek has gotten since… ever.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Real Americans hate overpaying for meat by-products. They have the Ronco Food Dehydrator.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I call bullshit. That is not Sarah's body, and her face is shopped on.

  • DahBoner

    "I Can Win"

    And I can fart with sufficient force to escape Earth's orbit and can actually fly to the moon!

    But I just don't want to.

    So there! NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!!!!!!

    • jus_wonderin

      OMG LOL

    • ChessieNefercat

      That was at least as plausible and a lot more authentic-sounding than her yammerings on what she thinks she can do.

  • El Pinche

    I see Newsweek didn't go the full mile with nipple shots and/or cleavage. Even her magazine covers are half-ass.

    • berkeleyfarm

      Maybe in a couple of months!

      • El Pinche

        It is early in the election season.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    "I Can Win'

    Prove it.

  • jus_wonderin

    Slim Jim? Is that Todd's name for it???

  • BarackMyWorld

    1. Put Palin on cover.

    2. ???

    3. Profit!!!

  • DahBoner

    "And he says, ‘Man, the dollar’s worth nothing anymore."

    So, just try to pay for it in GOLD and STFU dumbass…

    • Oblios_Cap

      Ameros!

  • SorosBot

    Dear Newsweek, I am a private citizen who is not running for President but am technically qualified to do so and might run maybe; I have political opinions but have no influence in politics. Now where's my cover story?

  • sportshort

    She and Todd buy their own beef jerky? That settles it. Palin in 2012!

  • proudgrampa

    Man, you gotta admit – that's a nice pair of casabas.

    • ChessieNefercat

      If you write and tell her that, maybe she'll tell you where you can buy a pair just like them. Well, I mean if you offer to pay her.

    • zhubajie

      You need to get out more, Grampa!

  • littlebigdaddy

    Newswhat?

  • jus_wonderin

    Does Lou have a hairy chest???

  • zappadoo76

    Better caption for Sarah pic: "Hi! I'm Sarah Palin, and these are my breasts!"

    • YasserArraFeck

      "….and they're better qualified to run the country than I am….."

    • flamingpdog

      and they're quantitatively easy.

    • GOPCrusher

      "Vote for me, and I'll show you my tits!"

  • crybabyboehner

    Puts me in mind of a turkey neck sammich.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    These Tits Don't Run.

  • GOPCrusher

    She "warns" Boehner not to raise the debt ceiling?
    What's she going to do when it happens? Throw a fit?
    Look sister, there's a whole lot of Social Security and Medicare recipients out there, that would be more than willing to rend you limb from limb, if that check doesn't show up on Aug. 3rd.

    • ChessieNefercat

      At last, a good reason not to raise the debt ceiling. The cost (global economic catastrophe?) would almost be worth it.

    • q_tion_evrythng

      No line-jumping, please, fellow Wonketeers. :-) I claim dibs as the first in line in my state to render Palin on Aug 3 and I'll trip your asses if you cut in front of me. :-(

      • ChessieNefercat

        I would be pleased and proud to do nothing but hold your jacket for you and watch you rend away at the silly cow.

    • zhubajie

      They're more likely to blame random Jews/Muslims.

  • mumbly_joe

    Guys, don't worry:

    Quitters never win.
    Grifter always quits.

  • greenpatches

    SLIM JIMS! GAS STATIONS! HOW FOLKSY!

    • GOPCrusher

      Real Americana!

  • HelmutNewton

    She meant "win" in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Now that one &/or both goddesses have left him, Charlie has an opening. Bring on Sarah &/or Bristol to your harem, Wild Thing!

  • not that Dewey

    Wait until she finds out that my $145k house originally sold for $8k, in 1967. ZOFMG THERE MUST BE A BLACK MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE PUT ME ON YER MAGAZINE COVER

  • Guppy06

    ‘Man, the dollar’s worth nothing anymore.’

    Maybe we should stop printing paper dollars and move to coins.

    Oh, wait, that's a cardinal sin…

  • ChessieNefercat

    All the speculation that has been put before us over all these years, and finally we get this, that explains everything about that fucking imbecilic scraggly yowling hag:

    "He buys a Slim Jim—we’re always eating that jerky stuff—for $2.69."

  • ChessieNefercat

    And what's up with that stupid photo shoot? It's a cross between the output of a slightly pervy untalented twenty-something that has convinced some sweet young thing she can be a model, and the unimportant shots surrounding a Playboy centerfold: "I like long walks through mountain meadows filled with flowers, sunsets over the lake, and jogging while wearing a tight, thin hoodie over my voluptuously bouncing breasts."**

    **I found the black water bra I wore under the thin white t-shirt at that Belmont horsey thing last summer. Also too I have nothing else to offer. Boobies! Look at me!

  • prommie

    She has the largest smirk of any human being ever to have lived. That is truly the mother of all smirks.

    • ChessieNefercat

      And it's a smug smirk.

      Oh for the good old days of Dubya's heh-heh smirk.

    • zhubajie

      There's something weird about her whole expression. Too much surgery? The Be'elzebub face starting to come out?

  • mavenmaven

    Can't wait for the day when this comment of hers will be taken for granted, because no one will give a rat's "jerky":

    “Our hotel was right down the block from The Des Moines Register,” Palin later told me, plainly pleased. “Nobody knew we were there.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    Yes, but does Lou $arah "Love" her vegetables like our zucchini munching friend Kortney?

  • genxr

    "I can win"

    2008 called, and would like to have a word with you.

  • q_tion_evrythng

    Since running for President is probably out & w/Cindy Anthony and/or Casey Anthony most likely having a lock on "Worst Mother of the Year," what WILL Sarah do next?
    Because they are both GREAT moms and are both great big IDS ( of "id, ego, superego" OR idiots), maybe Sarah Palin and Casey Anthony could start a child care center.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, Michele Bachmann has stated that she won't get into a mud wrestling contest with Bible Spice. Maybe this Casey Anthony chick will?

    • flamingpdog

      Guess I better run downtown and grab the trademark for the JW Gacy KiddieGarden before Sarah and Casey do.

    • zhubajie

      Fist-fight with Michele Bachmann!

  • smitallica

    First photoshopped Dead Diana, now this.
    You stay classy, Newsweek.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Newsweek was saved from extinction why, exactly?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Newsweek of the World.

  • krazyvladimir

    You know what still costs only 99 cents ??? a bottle of rubbing alcohol, known in Alaska as "Wine cooler"

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    By Quantitative Easing she meant to go on the cover page without a bra.

  • Gomez571

    “I was ticked off at Todd yesterday,” For what? The price of jerky? Has she ever blamed a problem on the correct cause?

  • JackObin

    I seriously doubt she can even spell win. Nice tits, however.

  • franco_pinyon

    Her head may be empty but that hoodie is plenty full, brutha! Whooey! She got the Costco/Sam's Club size.

    Looks like Newsweek might be angling to capture the News of the World audience.

  • jakegittes

    How much of Larry Flynt's money do ya think "Tits for Brains" would settle for to show some big time snatch, et al., in Hustler Magazine? Let's face it. Everybody's gotta price. And nobody in the world proves that principle more than Palin.

    • zhubajie

      Larry's a lefty, though. Also, he's seen a LOT of tits, and would probably prefer one of the younger Palins'. Willow, are you ready?

  • rocktonsam

    T
    I
    T
    S
    !

  • iburl

    "I CAN WIN" a useless idiot contest.

  • Warpde

    I had the run(s) once.
    Ok, Ok, more then once.
    Still, what a shitty time.

    Only winner was Charmain Super Soft.

  • Negropolis

    The Little Idiot That Couldn't.

  • lochnessmonster

    "We're always eating that jerky stuff" explains a lot.

  • ttommyunger

    "Newsweek" comes in, vomit goes out, never a miscommunication.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    You can see their lobbyists outside GOP senatorial offices, fighting with Archer-Daniels-Midland lobbyists to be first in the door with their sacks of money.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Peckers and Lips! Yum, Yum!

  • ChessieNefercat

    I wish you were being snarky, but that really is that brainless twat's attitude. You're not the boss of me!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Thank God no one talks about cutting farm subsidies!