illiteracy will prevail

‘Anti-Porn Pledge’ Michele Bachmann Signed Also Noted Benefits of Slavery

has not read since 1994Last week tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann signed a “Marriage Vow” pledge thing to stand up for Guantanamo Bay torture victim “straight-people marriage” with all the usual Jesus tools like hate for gays, Islam and porn. WE ARE GOING TO PRAY that Bachmann did not actually bother to read this thing she signed and then announced to everyone she signed and supported because, oh hey, it also turns out the very first point of the pledge says something rather fishy about how it was better to be born a child of slaves than born a black child under Obama. 

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is what it says. This is the first bullet point on the vow’s preamble, for whatever reason that makes Tea Party people insane and racist:

Bachmann’s only defense was that it was in the preamble, which apparently means for her that it does not count as part of the whole document, who reads those things, come on, etc.

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.

“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

Blah blah everyone hated this and so finally the people who wrote the pledge, a group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER” according to the wingnut stylebook rules, decided to remove this clause from the preamble even though they did not understand why everyone was upset, the end. [POLITICO]

What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • freakishlywrong

    Bachmann only believes slavery was horrible because the founders worked tirelessly to end it. My head hurts.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Whoa. Hey. Not fair. Her remark was #notintendedasfactualstatement.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, how else would she know?

    • Mahousu

      Most of the time, the founders worked tirelessly to end slavery, but sometimes the slave markets had really good deals, and, well, who can resist a bargain? Certainly not Washington, Jefferson or Madison!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Woot!"

        -Tom Jefferson

      • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

        114 of 121 people found the following review helpful:
        "Excellent bargains, fast delivery, backtalk free servants! A+++ Seller, would defo buy from A1SlavesNSuch.com again! "
        Published on August 19, 1782 by TeeJeff_da_LuvGuv

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    We the people have no use for preambles.

    • smitallica

      You just won the Internet for today.

      • user-of-owls

        and this week.

        A MIgHTY HUZZAH, JAH!

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

          Thank you both.

          I and I remember the days of slavery.

          • user-of-owls

            Bachmann = Crazy Baldhead.

          • PristineODummy

            And you know what comes after that line?

            Chase dem crazy
            We gonna chase dose crazy baldhead right outa town

            A more deserving candidate for such treatment I have not yet seen.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Just what i want in my President someone who signs documents and doesn't "read" them thoroughly. I am pretty sure i can get a monkey to do that.

    • Andrew Drinker

      See also: January 2001 – January 2009.

      • V572 der Plaatz

        He didn't become known as "Chimpy" because of his fierce analytical powers.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Of course not. It was for his typewriting skills.

    • capnhuggyface

      Cap'n Huggy in 2012!

    • user-of-owls

      Lancelot Link/Bachmann 2013!

    • FlyOverGirl

      Been there. Done that.

    • Crank_Tango

      But can a monkey also sign documents with its own feces…?

      • GOPCrusher

        Only if the document is at a proper flinging distance.

    • PristineODummy

      I don't know how a former IRS tax lawyer in her 50s can get away with saying she signed something she didn't read. If that was my lawyer, she would already be fired and facing a lawsuit.

    • teebob2000

      That comparison is very insulting. On behalf of monkeys everywhere, fuck you.

    • Swampgas_Man

      You can get Herman Cain to do it, providing the document is less than three pages long.

  • GregComlish

    The tea party just wants to protect black people from the rampant racism of all those black people

  • DaSandman

    What's the use of saving these females if you can't own them?

  • MissusBarry

    There is nothing "FAMiLY LEADER" can do to prevent old crazy eyes from embarrassing herself. Both are an embarassment to the entire country.

    • Radiotherapy®

      Exactly, and the same for Palin. There is nothing they can do that embarrasses or humiliates them, unlike most other people. Paul Revere was worried about the 2nd Amendment a decade before it existed — no problem. Chris Matthews asks questions and you answer in a completely detached manner, even when challenged on such behavior? Just keep moving along. What do you read, (WHAT DO YOU READ for god sake)? Who the fuck can't answer that question?

      • MissusBarry

        I think they miss the fact that it is totally possible, and in the case of the teatard crowd nearly impossible not to, embarass yourself while lacking the self-awareness to recognize they should be embarassed. As with nearly everything in their empty heads…just because you don't get it doesn't mean it isn't so.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Chicklet. Makes Bazooka Joe look like Einstein. Brain shrivelly, and it ain't pretty.

    • PristineODummy

      I don't think that thang is a brain. Most likely a booger wut ended up in teh wrongz place.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Someone ought to check on those 23 foster kids she claims to be raising. She might be confusing parenting with extremely low cost labor.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      So says Herman Cain.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        Sorry to have changed my comment on you Mr. Down.

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Lol it doesn't quite make sense now does it.

    • An_Outhouse

      That labor is so low cost it is negative. The state sends her a check each month for those foster kids that her husband was not abusing.

      • Ducksworthy

        Definitely not abusing. In fact, he taught them exactly what to look out for.

      • Terry

        The foster kids were all female, so they were safe from him in one particular regard.

      • PristineODummy

        Well, Michele *did* specify "girls-only" for teh fostering. Think she knows more than she lets on about Marcus? Judging from what I've seen so far, Marcus is not into the girlz except maybe to pick out their dresses and stuff.

    • teebob2000

      Dem crops don' pick demselves!

    • zhubajie

      I've always been suspicious of this too. I just have a bad feeling the kids served her lust to dominate somehow. There are lots of ways to abuse children without fucking them.

  • hollywooddood

    Bachmann signed it because she's a paranoid, arrogant, sniveling little dweeb.

  • Eve8Apples

    Just more proof that the main objective of the Tea Party is to get the uppity negro out of the White House and back on the plantation where he belongs.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      It's just for the sake of Malia and Sasha. At least they would be happier if their parents actually stayed togehter.

    • zhubajie

      I'm sure they'd love to persecute Muslims and "liberals" too.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    This merely proves the document was too many pages with words and stuff.

    "We the teabagging puppets promise to smoke Koch, honor, and obey our corporate masters, Amen."

    That ought to do it.
    ~

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Exactly! If you're going to put the fucking kitchen sink into a pledge, it's worthless as a PR move and impossible to hold against the dipshits who sign it.

    • PsycWench

      And she apologizes if anyone is upset because they didn't understand the preamble was irrelevant.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Okay, so now she may be against slavery, but the Vow says nothing of cannibalism. Maybe she can eat T-pawn's bone.

  • riverside68

    IT WAS MOR THAN 3 PAGES, she couldn't be expected to read it all!

    Damm intellectual liberal tricksters at it again

  • horsedreamer_1

    FAMiLY LEADER?

    Something fishy, here.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Shellie didn't affix her signature to the entire document, sillies. Only the words "election of the USA's first African-American President""had a disasterous effect" on "Our exceptional and free""white""society"
    All the rest is filler.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Michele… not a slave to fashion

  • freakishlywrong

    Also. Ahem. One swears to defend and protect the Constitushion when one takes the oath of office. Signing this little ditty chock full of hate speech and bigotry kind of flies in the face of that. Especially the big one, y'know the big ole First Amendment. Also.

  • SorosBot

    Besides being despicable, it's also not true, as a child born into slavery was likely to be raised by a mother and father, then get yanked away and sold and never see them again, or have one of the parents forcibly separated from the family and sold and, once again, never see the rest of the family again. Gah.

    Oh, and how is being raised by a single parent "disastrous"?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Not to go all PoliticalFact on you, but at the precise moment of birth, as implied by the usage "born into" (& one is only born once), often the parents to have conceived the child were still owned under the auspices of the same planter. Thus, a true statement, no fudging or hedging.

      PolitiFact, therefore, rates Michele Bachmann the most awesome teller of truths.

      • SorosBot

        Wasn't it PoliFact that rated saying that Paul Ryan's plan to destroy Medicare would destroy Medicare was a "four Pinocchio lie" because he would keep the Medicare name for the voucher system he'd replace the no-longer-existent Medicare system with?

      • Crank_Tango

        also one of the parents often happened to be said planter, due to rape and whatnot.

        • zhubajie

          In Pudd'nhead Wilson, Roxie the slave eventually tells her son (raised her master's son) that his real father is the local judge and that he is from fine old Virginia stock.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "and how is being raised by a single parent "disastrous"?"

      The kid might grow up to be a black president. It's THAT disastrous!

    • riverside68

      Not to get all fine print on you, but did you notice the date of 1860? There were only two to three years of slavery left, depending on location, and the markets were very constricted.

      Now a child born into slavery prior to 1860 was more likely to be sold out, or have a parent sold out, before reaching maturity. (BTW which was probably age 10, when put to work in the fields.)

      And then there is the issue of the number of white biological fathers of the two black parent families . . .

    • GOPCrusher

      Could be worse. They could be parents of the same sex.

    • Redhead

      Well, obviously it was God's will for those babies to be raised by their biological (slave) moms and her (slave) husband and their owner (the biological dad) and beaten and whipped by biodad/owner for not picking enough cotton until mom's husband (pretend dad) was sold to another plantation owner 92847938745983475 miles away, and then a few years later, be sold themselves to another owner another 9384759384758934 miles away to be then raped by that owner and start the mom's husband versus owner/raperdad cycle all over again.

      Which is not at ALL like these single moms, who are OBVIOUSLY ignoring god's will by having an unplanned pregnancy, choosing not to abort it, and then having the gall to raise the baby. Or like those hussies who get pregnant by accident and then have an abortion to avoid going against god's will by having the baby and being a single mom – yeah, that's obviously against god's will as well.

      Basically, the message that I'm getting from these teatards is just that black people shouldn't have sex, period, because the only time it actually is god's will is when it's nonconsensual rape sex between a white master and a black slave.

      • SorosBot

        That deserves a million upfists for you!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Mish B must have be an "awesome" lawyer. Only reading the top part of a legal document.

    I'm pretty sure that any joker can get her to sign a pledge that says a bunch of really awful shit if it starts off with: "We the People."*

    *oh wait, they already did. Bravo Mish. Bravo.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Dan Savage serving as the Bachmann White House's Press Sec'y would be a bigger heel turn than unabashed 60s radical David Stockman becoming Reagan's budget director.

      • PristineODummy

        Danny can deliver the smackdown like *nobody.*

    • soojank

      Also, apparently, she was really a tax collector sort of lawyer. Uh, I don't even…

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Mish B, IRS goon!

        Oh the irony.

  • LetUsBray

    Funny, for an outfit that claims to be concerned for marriage and famIly in general, they seem awfully preoccupied with colored folk in particular.

    But I suppose I'm the real racist for pointing that out.

  • soojank

    Not that it really matters, but apparently Santorum signed it also.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

      Where did he find a pen with brown ink? (That is ink, right?)

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Win.

    • freakishlywrong

      If we had a media, both of these assclowns would be shamed and tarred and feathered. Instead, they're invited on to "news" shows and allowed to appear rational as they explain themselves to nodding stenographers.

      • SorosBot

        This is a news media that's treating Rick Perry, a man who has both advocated and just last week committed treason, as a plausible Presidential candidate; they are broken.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Santorum didn't actually sign it, but he did leave his mark.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    'Baggers grab onto 'important issues' and try to smoke-screen the fact they are just a bunch of old, fat, white folks who don't want to pay taxes.

    • LetUsBray

      And clearly many of their issues are with black people.

      • MissusBarry

        And the sexually active of basically any persuasion. If it's not missionary during marriage, to hell with you. Literally.

  • freakishlywrong

    Patriot McDownfisty pants is not amused. Fuck off.

    • PristineODummy

      That's OK. I just upfisted EVERYBODY in his honour.

    • zhubajie

      Then there's traditions about Adam and Lilith, Eve and the Snake,etc.

  • SorosBot

    These people also need to read their "Jewish and Christian scriptures" their bigoted bullshit is based on. Traditional biblical marriage was not faithful monogamy between one man and one woman; it was between one man and many women.

    Read your own fucking book!

    • MissusBarry

      Aw, give 'em a break. They can't handle reading a four-pager and that fucking book is THICK (although some children's editions contain pictures, I think). I think this is referred to as "managing expectations."

    • mumbly_joe

      Also one man and a woman and then later her king, after he sends that first guy off to his death, and also one woman and her rapist, and one man and one woman and the man's brother, and one man and one woman and that man with his daughters by that woman…

      Traditional Christian marriage sure is weird!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Don't even think about what Cain and Able did when it came to the knowing-and-begetting business.

        • mumbly_joe

          Oh, but then we start getting into shades of interpretation; for example, there's a few Jewish traditions that hold that those stories are just talking about the history of the J00z and their God, and that there's other people and other gods in the stories, just like there obviously is if you read TFB, so obviously there were other people who were around the entire time we just didn't talk about and so no problem.

          Of course, these are matters of "interpretation", which require coming from a perspective that the Bibble isn't 1000% literally factually true which is why, yes, Cain and Abel and incest really is a thing, if you're talking to wingtards. I think they usually handwave it away by saying that it was okay, because Jebus-Majik, even though we're talking post-Fall so sex is supposed already be bad by now.

          • Redhead

            But being descendants of incest would explain SO MUCH about the teatards that I'm kind of inclined to believe the Cain and Abel stories are literally true (even if the rest is metaphor or some such).

        • BeWoot

          Maybe that incest thingy was Seth, "the quiet one."

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            It's always been the quiet ones that you have to watch out for.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Hey, they DO read their Babbles. Which contain a fair amount of information about the proper way to treat slaves. So if slavery were wrong, why did the Bible include that stuff, huh?

    • Terry

      See, Joseph Smith had a point!

    • PsycWench

      You know that meant many men were wifeless, since the rich guys hogged all the women. Having all those single men must have also been great for society.

      • SorosBot

        It meant a lot of young men were available to get hacked apart in all those wars the ancient world was constantly fighting.

      • mumbly_joe

        As I mentioned above, that actually happened, in the Bibble. King David had his friend and greatest general killed (IIRC, by sending him off to fight some doomed foreign adventure) so that he could make it with the dude's wife with him out of the picture. So, that's adultery, murder, coveting, and a bit of lying, if I recall. Fortunately, David and God were BFFs, so all was forgiven, for no reason*.

        And, not coincidentally, Dominionist wingnuts love to mention King David when it comes to examples of "bibbliclical heroes".

        *Honestly, when it comes to examples of dickishness on the part of Biblical heroes, this episode barely makes the cut for Top Five. Topping off the list is the G-man himself, for the entire Book of Job.

        • SorosBot

          David's their top hero? But his taste included both snails and oysters, ifyouknowwhatImean.

        • PristineODummy

          Remember Governor Mark Sanford's defense of his adultery? That's exactly who he invoked. King David. What a buncha fucking douchebags these GOoPers are.

      • zhubajie

        Take it for granted that there was at least as much female infanticide in Greece, up the road, too.

    • PristineODummy

      And the wimminz just ain't goin' for that no moah like they used to. See wut happens when you give dem wimminz the vote? They USE it, that's what. Against the MEN to whom they should be submitting.

    • zhubajie

      I'm a real Bible scholar. I know all three biblical languages. I've read the entire Protestant Bible through several times, including all the boring parts. I can assure you most certainly that Tea-tards and fighting fundies don't have the slightest clue what's in the Bible!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    What is it with the 'baggers and preambles? They don't like the one on the second amendment, either. We're not even talking "more than three pages" here, fer chrissakes.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh..and for the record, you can bet you sweet ass that African American baby was raised by both mother and father; the father was more than likely the white slave owner. Kid wasn't going ANYWHERE.

  • Weenus299

    And people said slavery is dead. I would just point to all the millionaire slaves who have done nothing but put the country on their backs for the last thirty years. Those slaves are who Bachmann is fighting for release from the wicked slaveholders in trailer parks and slums all over the South and the rest of America.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    "noting it was not in the “vow” portion" … is how my wife responds to my requests for anything even slightly kinky…

    • Terry

      If you HAD specifically detailed such things in the vow portion of your wedding ceremony, I bet you things in the church/room/hall would have gotten very interesting fast.

      • Mapmonger

        That would have been an awesome ceremony.

    • PristineODummy

      She needs to read MOAR Dan Savage.

    • GOPCrusher

      That's not covered under "For better or worse"?

  • horsedreamer_1

    It's a long way down from the dignity of Alan Keyes moshing in 2000.

    • tcaalaw

      It's a sad fact that if Alan Keyes declared his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination it would actually raise the average IQ and sanity of the field.

      • horsedreamer_1

        He also polled 27% versus Obama, which is better than all but three of the GOP prexy candidates, I think.

  • LabRodent

    Dumb Ass. (still kinda early for me to Snark)

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I'm fine talking about Michele Bachmann more than a year out from the election, because it means she's riding her wave now, and has probably already peaked.

    To that end, as an atheist, I now say "Thank you Jesus," because I need someone important to blame if this goddamn woman gets elected.

    • berkeleyfarm

      So much this. (Except the atheist part. I'm a church lady.)

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I probably should be outraged, re-reading this and maybe I'm suppressing it.
    Instead it feels more akin to having heard this mince-brained train-of-thought driveling from ex-Mumbletycompanion's grandmother couple of years ago, she an avid Fox news viewer; you know along the lines of "..but Guantanamo has those gorgeous beaches; any inmate should be grateful to have a set-up like that there!" — so instead of arguing I just kind of disappear inside myself to nurse the nausea.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Throwing White Grandma under the bus, just like Nobama!!11!!

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Except I couldn't, not to her face, and there the shame lies with me. And I'd just finished a paper on Guantanamo for an online course, literally that weekend. Armed to the teeth with info and perspective, but all to no avail if the other party has zero absorbency for letting any permutation of a perceived issue sink in.

  • FNMA

    She believes "economic enslavement is … horrible"?
    Have the Koch Brothers heard about this yet?

    • GOPCrusher

      According to Tea Baggers/Republiklans, accepting money for work from a "job creator" is economic enslavement.

  • franco_pinyon

    What is even scarier than Bachmann's empty head is the number of Americans who think she is qualified to be president.

  • fuflans

    well that didn't take long.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    …so as not to embarrass Bachmann…

    Good luck with that.

    P.S. Keyboard Commando/Twisted Fister Spanky2 is up early this morning and refreshing his fat, teabagging ass off.

    Dance, puppet! You make me laugh.
    ~

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    If believing that black children are better off enslaved makes me a racist, then yup, I'm a racist.

    • MissusBarry

      But, do you have the t-shirt?

  • V572 der Plaatz

    Here's the original pledge. It's surprisingly hard to find, perhaps because, among other the hilarity-inducing twaddle it contains, footnote 4(g)xvi says the bußttex leads to "anal incontinence."

    Oh, and I tried telling my bank that I only signed the part of the mortgage that said I get the house, not the part about sending them a check every month. They wouldn't go for it.

    • SorosBot

      No wonder Santorum signed it.

    • mumbly_joe

      Hmm, that kinda makes me wonder what's responsible for Shelly's oral incontinence, if that's the case.

      • PristineODummy

        Given Marcus' rather obvious inclinations, I'd say she's been having mouth-sex.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Not having enough buttsex leads to constipation?

    • zhubajie

      Ezekiel 23 says G-d is married polygamously, to Jerusalem and Samaria, Oholah and Oholibah. I've never heard a sermon on that verse, curiously.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So our "Creator-endowed human rights" depend on monogamy? That should have some interesting consequences.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Tell that to Lot and his wives… um, daughters.

      • Ducksworthy

        Check out the R. Crumb illustrated Genesis.

  • mumbly_joe

    They make a pretty great argument for reforming a criminal justice system rife with systematic racial bias that incarcerates 30% of African American males at some point in their lifetimes, thus obliterating any possibility of black men being in their childrens' lives, much of the time. Oh wait, that's not their point at all, is it?

    • BarackMyWorld

      That's the best comment ever.

    • snoopyfan2010

      Uh….what you said. And to think that black families only started having problems in 2008 when Barry was elected.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Gingrich is so dependent upon Marriage that he may be heading into Rehab soon.

  • JoshuaNorton

    “FAMiLY LEADER,”

    Needz moar rAndOm capitAliZatIon

    • horsedreamer_1

      The American Right is winning the MySpace Race.

  • DemonicRage

    She is so intelligent and perceptive, and she was foster mother to two hockey teams worth of deserving children. When she is leader of us all, it will be a Golden Age, to rival that of The Sun King in Versailles.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "We The Retards…"

    • ttommyunger

      How did that slip by the dreaded "Administrator"?

      • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

        I took my chances. I had originally put "Teatards", but then I realized I needed to cover a wider spectrum (i.e. Wingnuts who call themselves "Independents.") and went for it.

        • ttommyunger

          Good work!

    • GOPCrusher

      TRIG LIBEL!

  • hagajim

    Needs moar Kunta Kinte.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Behold! White people are greater than thyself!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      More Toby, Less Kunta.

  • tcaalaw

    And cue a wave of comments across the blogosphere using canned talking points about how the Pledge doesn't actually say anything about slavery being beneficial for African-Americans, even if that's the most logical implication of the statement.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Obama is worse than slavery… Since when all these white folks know so much about black people? Oh, I see.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    The #1 cause of "divorce" among slaves was the estate tax.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      See? Taxes are bad!

    • riverside68

      Actually I beleve it was the requirement to settle the debts of the estate, primarily loans to northern bankers, since the plantations usually were debt financed.

      See Jefferson, Thomas.

      (Which, of course, had nothing at all to do with the war of Northern Agression.)

  • metamarcisf

    It's sad that those enslaved pinkaninnies had a better chance at a normal life than today's halfrican babies. What's sadder still is seeing yet another self-righteous pledge blowing up in the face of Rep. Michele Porkmann (R) (Knucklehead).The good news is that Santorum stands by his support of the pledge as originally written.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Because being black during the Reconstruction Period was sooooooo much better than being black in Present Day America.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Most blacks were Republicans, then, too.

      • PristineODummy

        Just like Martin Luther King, Jr., who yearned for the day when he could lead his people back into slavery under the benign dictatorship of the liikes of MishMash BatShitKrayZMann.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Not just the present day – the present day under a BLACK PRESIDENT. Because OBAMMER has made things worse for black, by being black, the end.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Today, we are all sold down the river.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Old Man River?

      • LiveToServeYa

        He just keeps rollin' along, you betcha.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It wasn't her fault; the damn thing was over three pages long and she couldn't read it over dinner.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    This wouldn't have happened if Republicans didn't ram the 14th amendment down our throats.

  • smitallica

    I would love, just LOVE to see the shit-fit on the right if it was ever found that at some point in his past, Barack Obama signed a pledge vowing to uphold extreme leftwing values and never, ever change his opinion on anything.
    Oh, and signed it without reading it.

    But I know I will be disappointed, as liberals DON'T DO STUPID SHIT LIKE SIGN POLITICAL VOWS.

    • V572 der Plaatz

      Many of them have taken the "I Won't Take the Pledge" Pledge.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        We're not gonna protest!

    • freakishlywrong

      Nor radical religious vows neither. (Which I find even more egregious..).

    • Ducksworthy

      No new taxes. Ever. And also, no elimination of wasteful and corrupt tax breaks for billionaires and corporations. How's that working out for ya?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Yeah well, Obama even refused the pledge of allegiance, remember?

      • genxr

        Needz moar flag pin.

    • PristineODummy

      I think we saw that already, in the campaign to get rid of Van Jones.

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought he signed the Slavery Reparations Pledge?

    • Doktor Zoom

      The only pledge Obama is faithful to is the Sharia Law Pledge to Destroy America Forever through Radical Islamic Nazi Socialism in the form of an America-Destroying 3-point increase on the top marginal rate on incomes over $250,000….JUST LIKE IMAM KARL AL-MARX DEMANDED!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    FAMiLY LEADER is sorry that everybody didn't understand their document so they changed the slavery part.
    http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2011/07/10/2647

    • SorosBot

      They're taking out the language because it was "misconstrued"? No, idiots, it was completely construed; people were offended because it was really fucking offensive.

    • Limeylizzie

      I am deeply offended by that man's heinous haircut.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        I know. It looks like his barber used a #4 bowl instead of his usual #6.

      • BeWoot

        Yeah. Here's a tip for Vander Plotz: Get you hair cut at a beauty school. That way, it'll always be "styled" by a stranger, who won't know you and doesn't yet know what a jerk you are — and make sure you leave looking like one.

        It works for me.

      • PristineODummy

        I am deeply offended by that heinous man's haircut.

        FIFY. No need to thank. Or smack.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Everybody knows that preambles have a liberal bias. (This one was biased in favor of making it look like revealing that the conservatards are racist morons.)
      Just staple the new version to the page that One-L signed, and it's all good. Isn't that how contracts work?

    • GOPCrusher

      Just seeing Ayatollah Vander Platts makes my testicles retreat up into my pelvic region.

  • fuflans

    campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart…

    alice, honey, i hope you like your job. you're going to be very very busy in the next couple months.

    • PristineODummy

      I might be remembering wrong, but I b'leev MishMash BatShitKrayKrayMann goes through staff like santorum through sheets.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Slavery was a Full Employment Economy too, which is more than you can say for Urbans under King Hussein II!!

    • V572 der Plaatz

      And the workmans comp rates were very low, and the employer provided health insurance for the worker and the family, and you didn't have OSHA nosing around telling you you needed a handrail here or a safety guard there. Truly, it was a golden age.

    • riverside68

      Full Employment lives on in the Prison State, which is of primary benefit to the Urbans!

      See, it is not as bad as you think, put on a happy face.

  • CapnFatback

    “Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families

    Had a disastrous impact on them? Hell, slavery created the concept of African-American families!

    • V572 der Plaatz

      Brilliant. Many conceptual and ironic upfists for you.

  • An_Outhouse

    Is 'economic enslavement' like going to work? Why does Michele Bachmann hate work?

    • Ducksworthy

      Only if involves reading.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's not the work. It's that people expect to get paid for doing it that pisses her off.

      • PristineODummy

        Precisely. This is, after all, the same genius who told us we could have full employment if we only did away with that beastly "minimum wage" thingumajig.

  • Goonemeritus

    This will be a big problem with her base who by clear majorities believes slavery was awesome. How can she hope to attract buba’s vote if she will sign a document that calls slavery disastrous?

    • GOPCrusher

      It's part of that Democratic Plantation scam. Libruls have lied to the African-America population about the awesomeness of slavery.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    They were trying to be smart-asses with that passage. You can add "irony" to "humor" and "compassion" on the list of things wingnuts suck at.

  • samsuncle

    There seems to be a competition among the radical right groups to each have their own pledge that is more extreme than the rest. One solution to this delima would be to have just one pledge where the republican candidate vows "to be as batshit insane about each and every issue as one could possibly be".

    • PristineODummy

      I don't know how else to break this to ya, Uncle Huck, but it would appear that the entire fucking GOP signed THAT one a loooooooooong time ago.

  • prommie

    Wow, that document pretty much proves that all liberal welfare and social-justice programs are racist and un-godly and lead to fornication and drug addiction! Dogs and cats, sleeping together, little white girls having out-of-wedlock babies with BLACKS, oceans overflowing their beds, roving bands of single-parent negro thugs threatening our gated white communities, the devil dancing as murdering unnatural mothers are let free by lesbian satan-worshipping socialist jurors, heartland real amurrican gurls lured into pornography and pole-dancing, burned out slums in the inner cities, and all the fault of high taxes, food stamps, welfare, and socialized medical care.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wait – I thought all that was due to our not being white, heterosexual, christian, and monogamous. This is all very confusing – you can see why One-L might have been a bit vague on what the heck it was she was signing.

      • prommie

        The kitchen sink is in there, too! Liberal socialist democrats are the cause of all evil in the world! Birth control leads to harlotry, liberal divorce laws lead to kids on drugs! Welfare (which empowers women to leave abusive no-goodnick husbands) leads to crime and single-parent drug-dealing rapping pimping thug gangsters! When therse people say "family" they mean "patriarchy," they mean barefoot and pregnant, economically dependent, subjegated women, with no control over their bodies or their lives. And these people are bemoaning the long parade of horribles that ensued once women were allowed to crawl out from under the male thumb. Christianity, beginning with Paul, and with a big push from Augustine, is a women-hating religion, and I mean hating hate hateful, because in the end they fear the power of women deeply.

    • Limeylizzie

      Gosh, that all sounds wonderful.

      • prommie

        I got those sock-suspenders!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      New from Rockstar Games for XBox 360 and Playstation 3!

    • riverside68

      Okay, you have convinced me, I'm in, where do I sign up for high taxes, food stamps, welfare, and socialized medical care?

      If that's what it takes to get fornicating lesbian satan-warshipping socialist jurors, I will take the hit.

    • GOPCrusher

      None of these problems existed in 1860!

  • friendlyskies

    It's not her fault…. the doctor told her a genioplasty would make her smarter.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Presidential candidates have line item veto authority?!

    • PristineODummy

      Not according to the Supreme Court, but MishMash wouldn't know that — she didn't read the entire decision.

  • anonymousryan

    To be fair, when James Madison signed the Declaration of Independence he fully supported slavery. He just didn't read that part about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness because it was in the preamble.

  • Guppy06

    Genesis is just the preamble, it doesn't actually count.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    They can have my pornography when they pry it from my cold, dead left hand.

    • PristineODummy

      Shouldn't you have them try to pry it from your GINORMOUS, freakishly muscular RIGHT hand instead? (I'm assuming you're a right-hander. But if you've been bashing the bishop with your left, more power to ya.)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President"

    That's because the owners of today's African-American families are constantly selling either the mother, the father, or the child of that family to another plantation owner. That shit never happened back in the days of slavery.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Well, let's see…it's a thread about race and the tea party, so I suppose we're well overdue for a reminder that Robert Byrd once belonged to the KKK and that Martin Luther King was a Republican.

    Also at least one reference to "the Democrat plantation."

    • GOPCrusher

      Difference between Robert Byrd and David Duke? Robert Byrd quit and apologized. David Duke campaigns on it as proof he's a problem solver.

  • DangerHelvetica

    Crazy eyes, meet lowercase i's.

  • metamarcisf

    Did you know that Robert Byrd was a Republican and that Martin Luther King once belonged to the KKK?

    • riverside68

      You know who else was a Republican and belonged to the KKK?

      Oh ya, that's right: All of them Katie.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Touché. Well played, sir. Well played.

  • orygoon

    Only because conservatives have had 150 more years to sell black people down the river, Michele.

  • Terry

    Enduring marital fidelity certain does protect the rights of fathers. A father could, for instance, beat the hell out of his wife without the worry that she'd leave him and take the kids. Glad to see Bachmann is clear about the sort of people she's out to protect.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Did Simon Legree sign this vow, too?

    • Doktor Zoom

      ha-ha! Reading old books is socialist.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    There is something really creepy about that explanation.

    slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.

    Economic enslavement = paying taxes. Slavery = Slavery. Moral equivalency at its best/worst.

    • DashboardBuddha

      There's a dude on that other site (I no longer post there btw – why buy anger?) who claims this. Fuck him…until he shows me the whip scars on his back or can talk about how the massa got his wife pregnant he needs to shut the fuck up.

  • proudgrampa

    WTF?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    OK, but if you want to buy a Point Guard or Wide Receiver today, a white one is only worth 3/5ths of a Negro. So shut the hell up, Urbans!!!

  • Barb

    Palin said, "Thank goodness, the field isn't set yet" (Newsweek) I do believe that is directed at Ms Bachmann.
    "…..it seems that Palin's children, as well as Todd, stand behind her political ambitions."

    Yep, they stand behind her political ambitions like it is an ATM and they are just waiting behind her in line, palms sweaty, PIN number written on the back of a Taco Bell receipt.

    I'd like to see Palin and Bachmann debate. I live in the desert and it is rare that I hear the sound of crickets.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The crickets will be in on the debate? Excellent.
      It's always a good idea to have someone with brains on the podium.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      So, if I poke Palin in the back, will she poop grift-bucks at me?

      • riverside68

        I'm afraid all you will get is santorium.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    So I guess porn made with slave hookers is OK then?

  • Angry_Marmot

    Someone said the Iowa caucus would "pick a ninny", and they thought…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I like the next paragraph in the preamble about out-of-wedlock births to black mothers (not true, BTW, http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/

    Fear of a Black Nation!!

  • jus_wonderin

    I think since there is a typo in FAMiLY that negates MB signature.

  • philpjfry

    How could any human being sign such a document? I mean what kind of world do these people live in? It just proves michele is a do anything, say anything for attention, no good kochsucker without a brain in her head. God it just makes me so angry! And to think people support her to lead this country. Lead it into the jaws of hell more likely. All in all this is turning out to be a bad week to stop drinking.

    • PristineODummy

      I know. If it weren't for the fact that I'm a sloppy, sleepy drunk, I'd start right now. I'm furious that it took the media so long to notice this shit. I've been kvetching about it for over a week now.

  • El Pinche

    Michelle Bachmann will make the dream of a Whitehouse watermelon field come true!

  • SenileAgitation

    …the group now says its restrictions against “all forms of pornography” should be interpreted narrowly and not be construed as a “nationwide ban.” Republicans have until Aug. 1 to sign the pledge. — from some linky thing
    Ok, no porn, but no more goddamn misconstruing already, like with the slave thing, sheesh! Not a nationwide ban! So, porn where, FAMiLY? I think we all know why: it is sexy and makes married couples appreciate their spouses more than ever.
    And why the deadline? What happens on Aug. 2, besides the US fails to meet its debt obligations, unless, you know, politics of appeasement?

    • metamarcisf

      If porn is banned, all those trolls on Breitbart will have to take up target practice in their living room instead.

  • notreelyhelping

    I am so weary of policy put together by people whose idea of community organizing is a swap meet.

  • petehammer

    "Slavery was wrong, but" is not a phrase you should ever expect to hear from a politician.

    Aren't these people coached? Minnesota didn't even have slavery!

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    Not surprising. The main point of conservatism is that it was better being white during slavery, during the war, during the 50s, or pretty much any time before now.

    • finallyhappy

      Actually being white still confers privilege. You are not likely to be stopped DWW or cashing a large check at a bank.

  • Come here a minute

    Slavery had a disastrous impact on American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was less likely to be a consumer of internet porn than was an Minnesotan-American foster child born after the election of the USA’s first Minnesotan-American Crazy-Eyed Foster Parent United States Representative.

  • philpjfry

    Neither michele bachman, rick santorum,nor sarah palin are qualified to be president of my dick much less the country

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Downy McFistula is busy here, between fapping sessions.
    Upfisted everyone, just to make him less than useless.

    • PristineODummy

      Good idea. I'll do the same.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Two black children, Malia and Sasha Obama, live in a two-parent married family.

    One white child, Tripp Palin Johnston, does not.

    Discuss among yourselves.

    • snoopyfan2010

      Obviously Tripp's mother is Mary reincarnated….duh!

  • genxr

    I thought taxes was slavery. In 1860 did they levy a tax against slaves who made more than $250k a year? Truly a dark time in our nation's history.

  • FlyOverGirl

    Tea Party: We Believe What We Wanna Believe.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Apparently we DO have to live like a refugee…

  • Groupshrug

    Also during slavery, African Americans had a MUCH lower unemployment rate.

  • mavenmaven

    But with regards to the vote, the tea baggers are happy to achieve results similar to the founding father's 3/5 law by redistricting and other such ploys. Colored folks were much happier back then before they were able to vote, you know…

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Slavery… slavery… Nope, can't place it. Does it have anything to do with traffic stops?

  • ttommyunger

    Can't blame a girl for waxing wistful over the "Good ol' Days", can you? FUCK YEAH!

  • WilliamHTaft

    And marriages lasted a lot longer when women were classified as chattel and could be beaten legally for overcooking a pot roast. It's called common sense, libtards.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Todays' Life Lesson from all this is don't sign a pledge pushed out there by a group spelling its name like a teenaged Valley Girl.

    Meanwhile, today we were all born a poor Black child.

    • PristineODummy

      Pity I can't give double upfists for the Steve Martin ref. Best film he ever made.

      • Tundra Grifter

        POD: Thank you! Personally, I'm partial to "Roxanne." And the one where's he a gangster retiring to Arizona.

  • genxr

    I can see now how black families and marriages will be much better off under President Bachmann.

    Say that out loud: "President Bachmann," and imagine her picture up on the wall of every school classroom. Now, everybody drink.

    • PristineODummy

      Repeatedly.

    • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

      I'm hoping someone has a good Drano Cocktail recipe.

    • finallyhappy

      Hemlock?

      • genxr

        OMG I just murdered everybody on teh wonkette.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Just did my impression of Edvard Munch's "The Scream."

  • genxr

    She will also defund the abortion industry and put all that money towards curing gays.

    Is this a great country or what? Literally anyone can be President.

  • Steverino247

    Alt Text on that photo: "I signed what?"

    • user-of-owls

      Alt alt text: "I can write?"

  • DahBoner

    Today's GOP under Obama: Let Us Prey Upon The Poor And Those Weak of Mind…

  • crybabyboehner

    The Chinese "workout" plan for U.S.A. will solve most of these problems.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    In other news, has her First Lady been caught with a Rentboy ™ yet?

  • snoopyfan2010

    Economic slavery?…a song for Michele.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKIoO6YWXys

  • C_R_Eature

    I'm sorry, but all I can think of when I see that picture is Incomprehensible duck lips

    (linky fixed. sorry)

  • zhubajie

    Anyone ever read Mark Twain's _Pudd'nhead Wilson_? It has a lot of interesting to say about slave/master families in the old South. (Which he knew personally, unlike MB.)

  • zhubajie

    Take it for granted that Bachmann, et al., would like to bring back some kind of involuntary servitude, although they probably will come up with some euphemism.

  • Negropolis

    I feel like I'm living in a cartoon, these days. I really do. This is like something you'd see on Family Guy or The Simpsons.

  • MarcusBarbarian

    But slave owners were job creators!

  • Terry

    Only as an unread inspiration for a certain group of fetishists.

  • HistoriCat

    Odd – that could also describe the bible.