Barack Will Never Give You A Follow Friday

  barry can you hear me?

I'M BACK, YOU SAUCY FUCKS!Why hello, liberal political fetus monsters! It’s time once again for the only weekly feature on the Internet, “Barry Can You Hear Me?” In case you are new to this game, this is the special place where we celebu-stalk Barack Obama via God’s own newsreel, West Wing Week. Let us see what this terrible (black) excuse for a carbon-based life form managed to totally ruin this week.

First, speed up to :04 to fulfill your recommended weekly fap-friendly allowance of Jaunty Obama Swagga. You can simultaneously have a few precious seconds of your essential Michelle Looks So Pwitty In Dat Dwess oohing and cooing, you fucking baby.

On Friday, Barry had some kind of massive conference phone call with thousands of underage students around the country. This was so he could weed out the weak from the strong and then make all of them blow him, in their elementary school resource rooms. Typical Democrat!

Then apparently nothing happened over the weekend, because West Wing Week does not cover it. Therefore, we can assume that Barry was murdering the children he had DSK’d on Friday. Haha, except it turned out that the kids were all maybe prostitutes, according to the rumor-paper known for its many lies! So everything was then fine automatically.

Anyway, Monday. Your tax dollars threw a birthday party for your Uncle Sam, who has continually molested you since you were born. Barry and Michelle welcomed over 1200 military families to a USO show on the South Lawn, where Bob Hope congratulated all the kiddies on their daddies being dead inside (sometimes literally!) Also, the games, facepaint, and fireworks look awesome and your reporter is upset that her invitation got lost in the mail. She will murder all the ponies in the Pony Express in order to avenge this slight.

On to Tuesday! Leon Panetta and Mike Mullen came over to shoot the shit, play some XBox, eat some of Michelle’s leftover organic, free-range, grass-finished, cage-free, Lorax-cum-glazed pasta. Probably David “D-Bonez” Petraeus showed up and lit a fart just like everyone knew he would, and Mullen laughed just cuz he’s a nice dude, but Panetta and Bamz rolled their eyes at each other like, “The fuck?”

On Wednesday, Obama Tweeted the fuck out of a big meeting when he should have been working. Twitter co-founder Jack Dorsey was there, and holy shit he is adorable in that big-eyed Irish Catholic choir boy way (very alluring to priests and lady-bloggers alike!) He looks like a sexxxay Precious Moments doll stuffed full of angel investors! Your authoress wants to wind up the thing in his back that plays “Our God Is An Awesome God” while making out with him in the naked way. (Please look at this 2008 photo and try not to die of joy.) Your kkkolumnista would also like to salute the frenzied geeks behind the Twitter/White House curtain, featured at 2:31. You know they were freaking the fuck out that an “OMFG FUCKING DYKE FACE KIKE BITCH SHIT!!!111!11″ from @shitfucker201 would sneak its way onto the big ol’ press conference display screen.

On Thursday, there was some Bisexual Congressional Cock-ass in Barry’s house or something, and then he gave credentials to a bunch of filthy fucking foreigners (diplomats.) Whatever, do you care? No. And that’s perfectly fine. We’re all engaged in a long, ceaseless slog toward certain death, and it’s really better to devote time to fapping over Jack “Twitterpants” Dorsey than to knowing what the hell happened at Barry’s Thursday meetings.

In case you were interested in why your faithless lady-columnist has been away for a time, she was writing a goddamned book that you can pre-order right now in various places, not unlike the esteemed Papa Author Ken Layne! But now she is back and probably coming to your town, to shit on your bed and blame it on your dead dog. Enjoy your weekend, whoremonkeys. It’s actually slightly nice to be back.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

Hola wonkerados.

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188 comments

      1. user-of-owls

        After, "Well, that was refreshing," I meant to append the qualifier:

        "Like a boric acid enema."

      1. PristineODummy

        It has to be the *dead* dog, dood. No point in blaming a perfectly good live critter.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      I just follow "West Wing Week." I don't give a shit about real life if Arun Chaudhary, Official White House Videographer, has not recorded it for my fapping purposes!

  1. Barb

    Sara is here, yay! Welcome back to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties! It's been too long since we've seen you. We've spent our time by having many abortions and tearful masturbation while thinking about our Commander in Chief. Now we can do something different and fap to your book, thanks!

      1. bagofmice

        In the introspective mood implied by wonkishness, we have to ask ourselves, "what does it mean?"

          1. Barb

            Yes, we can legalize it! Gosh, we have a plethora of Mormon Ken dolls running for the office of POTUS.

          2. Barb

            Yes, and our little gay babies get seriously pissed when the pacifier falls out of their little tushies.
            Sara and I got married in matching flannel and our wedding registry was at Snap On Tools of America. She's my wife, I love her and she taste like cotton candy!

          3. flamingpdog

            Thanks to you lesbionic ladies, he next time I post, my wrist is going to be really tired.

  2. BloviateMe

    Fairly new to this site, never seen a Benincasa post.

    I can't tell if I feel raped, or molested, or generally sodomized.

    I like it.

    1. gullywompr

      I depends on how many times she uses the word "fuck". This one has seven (and the word "whoremonkey"!), so the trend is up. Sometimes, I hardly feel degraded at all.

    2. neiltheblaze

      I particularly enjoyed being called a "liberal political fetus monster".

      For me, long ago, it was love at first slur.

      1. BloviateMe

        Yes, start with that, and end with whoremonkeys.

        I may have some Helsinki Syndrome going on, cuz I think I'm in love too.

        Hit me again Benincasa, and put some serious STANK on it!!!!

    3. user-of-owls

      You know how some Zen meditation techniques include a mantra, like "om, om, om" or something similar?

      Well there's an appropriate and very effective one for "Barry Can You Hear Me Posts":

      Abner Louima

      It's Benincasa time!

  3. SmutBoffin

    I see. And will Agorafabulous have a chapter entitled "You are all a lot of hirsute, discount-lube-scented taint-nuzzlers"? 'Cause the verbal abuse is the best part of these columns.

  4. LabRodent

    This Obama fella sorta reminds me of the guy I voted for in 2008 but that cant be him. Oh well

  5. WhatTheHeck

    “We’re all engaged in a long, ceaseless slog toward certain death…”

    What would a Friday be without Sara’s words dripping like honey to soothe our meaningless souls.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Hey thanks for reminding me of my dogs recent death. At least I can remember the good times like when he mauled that rightwing prick mailman.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Both my dogs took off a couple weeks ago; one turned up a couple days later a couple miles from home, but I'm not very optimistic at this point about The Dude showing back up. I only hope that if he died, he did so running out in front of a big-ass pickup with a McCain-Palin sticker, the guy swerved to avoid him, and crashed his truck into a power pole.

      1. Goonemeritus

        I hope he makes it home, old age got mine he was 14 but he would still growl at that Libertarian mailman right to the end.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Well, you never know, but his pardner Mildred showed up with 25 or 30 porcupine quills in her snout, and the lady at the vet said that usually when 2 dogs attack a porcupine, one of them gets it real bad. Since he's real friendly and outgoing and hasn't shown up anywhere (he's collared and microchipped), I'm afraid that he must have taken the brunt of the quills and probably found a shady spot to lie down and die. Of course, the worst is the not knowing for sure.

          1. flamingpdog

            My sincere condolences, Baldar. I hope Rupert Murdoch didn't hack his cell phone and steal your phone messages so you have hope he is still alive on that account.

          2. Limeylizzie

            Oh, I am so sorry, maybe he is just resting from his wounds and he'll come limping home soon.

    2. x111e7thst

      I set my dogs on some jerkwads from the Chamber of Commerce once. It was pretty funny. But the cops did come around and ask me not do do that any more.

    3. SaraJBenincasa

      Your dog is a hero. And I'm sorry he died. But man, did he go out with a great notch on his dog-belt.

  7. pinkocommi

    Sorry. I know Sara Benincasa is funny, but at over 140 characters, that post is too long to read.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      Easy solution: only read first 140 characters of it. That's how long I "think" about what I'm writing. After that, it's just random pounding of keys.

  8. Oblios_Cap

    Your tax dollars threw a birthday party for your Uncle Sam, who has continually molested you since you were born.

    I had never really considered it in that light. Thanks for opening my doors of percerption, Sara!

  9. Oblios_Cap

    It was worth going to your site just to admire the artistic splendor that is your polka dot bathing suit!

    And the filling wasn't too shabby, either.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Sara's back! I know because I feel like the lady in John McCain's "marvelous ape" joke.

  11. V572 [SSAN]

    As someone who saw Bob Hope perform on Christmas Eve 1972 in Saigon on his last (and my first) trip there, let me say that our combined searing hatred for that cocksucker capitalizing on our misery still burns. Thanks for the reminder, Sara, and have a nice day!

        1. PristineODummy

          Yeah. With those poor idiots' bodies. When they declared a War on Poverty, I didn't think they meant they'd actually kill the Poorz.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    Your authoress wants to wind up the thing in his back that plays “Our God Is An Awesome God” while making out with him in the naked way.

    OK now you're scaring me.
    You know, though, who else would get turned on in the presence of vacuous musical fanfare?

  13. PsycWench

    Bob Hope is still alive? Is he drinking the blood of newborns at midnight or something?

    1. AutomaticPilot

      Yes, thus making it difficult for Dick Cheney to pry it from his "cold, dead hands."

  14. BarackMyWorld

    Oh, good, Sara's back!

    I was starting to go through withdrawal….
    Please, baby, don't stay away so long next time…we needs our fix!!!!

  15. prommie

    Who is this person, who addresses us as if we were Lady GaGa fans, and she were Lady GaGa?

  16. BarackMyWorld

    I see Fister Roboto is hard at work ruining our warm welcome for Ms. Benincasa.

    Why does he hate America hot redheads?

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    The headline made absolutely no sense to me, until I googled "follow Friday." I am so tragically unhip.

      1. SorosBot

        I figured it had something to do with that "It's Friday, Friday, Friday" song; am I missing something else?

    1. PristineODummy

      Jeezus, y'all! I'm an Official Oldz and even *I* know about FF. Doesn't anybody read the dictionary anymore? The Urban Dictionary, that is.

  18. bflrtsplk

    I feel like i've just been whipped with a rubber hose while my private were bound and tethered to the heating duct 12 feet overhead in that dark, damp room downstairs. How I missed the sweet pleasure.

  19. prommie

    Sara, you've given it a good try, face it, the SNL gig just isn't gonna happen. Haven't you gotten this silliness out of your system yet? Isn't it time to go back home, find a nice boy, and settle down and start robustly reproducing, so as to improve our actuarial health? You'll have such great stories to tell to all the other ladies in the Hospital Auxilliary about your New York adventure, when you thought you were going to be a comedian.

      1. prommie

        For Sara, a Bachman presidency would be career-making (assuming there would still be regular electric power service in enough of the country for the networks to continue broadcasting entertainment programming)(and assuming her roundhead legions don't ban all sinful theatrical performances, all dancing, and all criticism of Saint Michelle). For the rest of the world, not so much a good thing.

      1. prommie

        Its alright, sweetie, so am I, I peaked at 25. Now I am old and bitter, and try to assuage my impotent rage and searing resentment by attacking those who still have a chance to make it.

          1. prommie

            I'm only 49, old-timer. Lawn screaming, thats a good idea, I am going to have to try that. Do you do it naked, or clothed?

            I have been having semi-annual mid-life crises for 10 years now, I have quit the law so many times, its harder than quitting smoking, I built wooden boats in my garage for 6 months, that was a doozie, went back to grad school, worked on a congressional campaign, basically fucked my career silly. Now I mostly just live a life of gin and quiet desperation, though I am thinking of buying a motorcycle, or, at least, one of those big scooters, a Burgman. Lawn-screaming, naked or clothed, would have saved me a lot of money. Yet another wrong turn in my life.

          2. V572 [SSAN]

            A person very close to me became a defense contractor at a similar point in his development. Hard on the self of steam, but you can afford better gin and wine to negate that.

          3. jus_wonderin

            Prommie, I do understand this. Sort of restless here. The daughter is out of college and I get the feeling that there is "something else" out there. Trying to keep that feeling at bay but it is like extreme new car fever (which I hold back each fall). The daughter (college costs) kept my nose to the grindstone to date. Just ready to not have a time clocke (though I don't) and do something that is social positive (but still pays). <g>

            Multiple mid-life crisis sounds familiar to me. I will get my vodka/7 and do some naked lawn screaming in your honor.

    1. tribbzthesquidz

      I had no idea people wanted to get a gig at SNL. Nobody watches that show.

        1. prommie

          Lorne is the proverbial blind squirrell anyway, its only ever been good in spite of his pompous ass. When you look at the people he hired, being rejected by him is an honor.

    2. fuflans

      hell, sarah's already more successful than i ever was or ever could be.

      but then, i devoted my life to a particular 400 year old playwright and there's not much money there.

      however, i have a fabulous vocabulary.

  20. emmelemm

    This is the best Friday ever in the history of Fridays. How I have missed thee, Sara Benincasa. I am excited about your book!

  21. SaraJBenincasa

    It's good to be back, babies! Thanks for the comments. I hope you all die in backyard wells, but happily.

      1. DahBoner

        "You can see the stars in the daytime from the bottom of a well. "

        That's just Sean Penn peering down at you…

  22. prommie

    I'm hungry, I'm gonna go to the store and buy some of that "innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy," I hear that fruit is good for you. Can I get a smoothie made from the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy?

  23. AutomaticPilot

    Does being a 42-year-old married woman preclude me from being a Sara groupie?

  24. donner_froh

    organic, free-range, grass-finished, cage-free, Lorax-cum-glazed pasta

    I'll have one to go, along with a large order of freedom fries, a double chocolate Slurpee and a half gallon of diet Pepsi.

  25. widestanceroman

    Whew.

    I feel completely drained of all self-worth and hope for the future. I had forgotten how good it can be. I need a smoke now.

  26. sportshort

    I will wait to read your book when it's selling on Amazon for a penny and 2.99 shipping from some obscure used book store in the mid west. Is that OK?

  27. MissusBarry

    How I've missed you at Wonkette, Sara. Thankfully, you're all over the interwebs, which has made cyber-stalking you easy enough. It's just not the same as the weekly abuse I know and love here. Welcome back!

  28. rambone

    Welcome back Sara!

    I couldn't help but notice that Wonkette seems to be rather top-heavy (DYSWIDT?) with the Vagina-American columnists nowadays. Is this part of some cunning plan to drive the closeted gay Republican males (IOW: All of them) from the site?

    Not that I'm complaining. "The more boobies, the better" is what I always say, and that's probably why they won't let me work the front counter at McDonalds anymore.

    1. prommie

      Wonkette is now the Bizarro Daily Show, which could use a gal like Sara, now I think about it, what with being such a sausage festival over there.

    2. SorosBot

      It's strange and refreshing, since the place had been such a sausage fest ever since Juli and Sara 1 left, with the only women being weekly columnists.

  29. flamingpdog

    No snark, for once, I didn't even read the comments before posting. Sweet, sweet Sara, thank you for coming back to your Wonketteers who worship the bed you shit on. I want to let you know that I was faithful to you the whole time you were gone, I even told the sweet Kirsten right here on Wonkette than you are still # (not a hashtag) 1. I still would like to know how I can get an authentic Sara-lipstick-imprinted copy of your book. Carry on, General Benincasa.

    P. S. How much moar does I have to prostrate myself before your bountiful goodness afore I can getz me a free copy of you lipstick-imprinted AlGoreaphobia book?

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      FACT! Kirsten used to be my boss at The Onion! HOLY FUCKING SHIT I KNOW RIGHT? She is hot also, shh, don't tell the fappers.

  30. Papa_Uniform

    Sara! Back just in time. My wounds had almost healed over from our last encounter. Mmmmm.

  31. DemonicRage

    At least one of the NYC tabloids featured the story that came out yesterday that, according to some document that only recently surfaced, the President's father, who was the subject of that first book that he wrote, told some governmental official that he and the President's mother were going to drop the baby of theirs off at the Salvation Army (like a bag of worn clothes) and put him up for adoption. Surely some snark can grow out of this late-in-the-week development in THE ONGOING SAGA.

    1. flamingpdog

      Damn, if only Bill Ayers had known, maybe the book would have turned out differently.

    2. DemonicRage

      Realized after I posted this that Wonkette did cover this story (see preceding Wonkette articles/ cute pirate photo). Oh well, looks like you missed/ forgot it too, when putting together this compilation.

      1. SaraJBenincasa

        This isn't a comprehensive weekly compilation. This is literally something I shit out of my asshole while reciting every line from "Song of the South." And it's all based on my favorite porn show, "West Wing Week."

  32. DahBoner

    You know, this reminds me of the time I ate out of a taco wagon–in Mexico– and then later that night, was throwing up with diarrhea.

    Simultaneously …

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      Add some jacking off and sobbing, and you've got every one of my Wonkette columns!

  33. SilverTsunami

    I see, so your name ("Been in Casa")is an elaborate pun based on the idea that you've been/stayed in the house? Every day I learn something.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      Haha, no, it is Sicilian. Which is just a living, breathing, greasy joke of an ethnicity.

    1. neiltheblaze

      Hey, maybe Wonkette will get the rights to one of those "sneak preview" pieces they do in the New Yorker or whatever. Maybe we'll get extensive excerpts! – exclusive to Wonkette! – who probably can't afford the permissions fee her greedy, loathsome publisher will want.

  34. Negropolis

    It’s time once again for the only weekly feature on the Internet

    Ms. Sara, you flatter yourself.

    Welcome back! I saw you on some VH1 ranking show a few days ago. Pretty cool, this Sara is. BTW, you were particularly filthy and vulgar, this week. Saved it up, huh?

    BTW, this is brilliant:

    and holy shit he is adorable in that big-eyed Irish Catholic choir boy way (very alluring to priests and lady-bloggers alike!) He looks like a sexxxay Precious Moments doll stuffed full of angel investors! Your authoress wants to wind up the thing in his back that plays “Our God Is An Awesome God” while making out with him in the naked way.

    Someone's crushing. Hard.

  35. C_R_Eature

    "Ohhhh, Sara,

    What do you do to these Men?

    You know, the same Rowdy Crowd that was here last night is back again!"

    Man, I've been waiting weeks to write that. Welcome back!

  36. HistoriCat

    Well thank goodness! The last official Wonkette word (a comment from Ken?) on la Benincasa was that you were sharing a stage with Breitbart – it was too much to contemplate.

    That was during the great Jack Stuef leaving freakout – nevar forget!

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