the miracle of life

Barack Obama Sr. Wanted to Drop His Kid Off at the Salvation Army

Pirate children are now on sale at the Salvation Army.It is common knowledge in this country that the path to a legitimate American presidency begins with baptizing a white baby in a fountain of oil and money and includes a few years of reckless drug experimentation and, potentially, a religious epiphany, before the Bombing and Ruining Everything phase kicks in. This is why Americans are so frustrated with Barack Obama and his confusing family history, with all its Kenyans and fake birth certificates and near-adoptions. Yes, apparently Barack Obama was sort of, almost, maybe put up for adoption, and only narrowly escaped the fate of becoming a Bachmann foster child.

Good old Barack Sr. was just having a blast at the University of Hawaii, walking to class in his board shorts and catching some waves, or whatever they do there. Then someone screamed “Polygamist!” and he thought maybe he should just ditch our Barry at the nearest donation center with a diaper bag and a few dollars for the next bus out of town.

When he was questioned by the school’s foreign student adviser, the 24-year-old Obama insisted that he had divorced his wife in his native Kenya. Although his new wife, Ann Dunham, was five months pregnant with their child – who would be called Barack Obama II – Obama declared that they intended to put their child up for adoption.

“Subject got his USC wife ‘Hapai’ [Hawaiian for pregnant] and although they were married they do not live together and Miss Dunham is making arrangements with the Salvation Army to give the baby away,’’ according to a memo describing the conversation with Obama written by Lyle H. Dahling, an administrator in the Honolulu office of what was then called the US Immigration and Naturalization Service.

Obama, the Subject, and his USC, or United States citizen, wife, obviously, did not put their baby up for adoption. Whether the young couple actually considered such a step, or the elder Obama made the story up in order to appease immigration officials who at the time were considering his request for an extension of his stay in the United States, is unclear. Family members on both sides of the marriage now say they never heard any mention of adoption.

So now we have a memo that is partially in Hawaiian and the possibility that Barry Sr. was just a big liar with a lot of wives. This is wonderful, because this country has been lacking in birther outrage lately. Oh, if only Barry had been adopted, he could have been a contributing member of society, instead of a secret Muslim dictator. [The Boston Globe/Wonkette operative “Ari”]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  • genxr

    USC is a total party school. Everyone knows that.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Obama, our first Mormon President?

  • SaintRond

    The President's mom is clearly amazing, especially when you consider what the US was like right around when her son was born. For a white girl to make babies with an African guy was not something that was looked kindly upon.

    That's said, it's a bit strange to imagine, yet so very American, that had I met the woman I very well might have shown her my wiener.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      I'm not so sure that was the case in Hawaii – that's a racial melange to start with and, having seen the resulting beautiful people, all the better for it.

      • SaintRond

        Then I most definitely would have shown her my wiener.

      • ttommyunger

        Amen!

      • Negropolis

        Hawaii was surely further along than the rest of the US during the time, but it was still 1960's America. Even now her relationship would draw a few eyebrows. She didn't just get with any old black dude. She got with one right outta Africa.

        • HistoriCat

          I don't know – I think there's a segment of the US population who might be more accepting of an African as opposed to an African-American. Why that would be the case, I couldn't really say; it's just a feeling I have.

          • Negropolis

            There is definitely a segment of America who's contempt for certain groups is bred from familiarity, but I think that kind of contempt would be greater today that it was in yesteryear when folks didn't seem to make as much a distinction between African Americans and Africans.

          • PristineODummy

            Remember Angela Davis' lovely anecdote about going shoe-shopping with her sister (I think) and pretending to be foreign? Now, she was pretty light of skin, but she said that the store she went to did not serve "the colored," and yet the white clerk fawned all over her because she was an exotic foreign person, not a n*****. That was during the Jim Crow era.

    • ttommyunger

      Unless you are black, she might giggle at what black women refer to as a "starter wiener", or a mere gherkin.

      • SaintRond

        It's huge. But it's not the enormity of the thing that wows them – it's all the sores.

        • ttommyunger

          The scabs and warts are always a turn-on. I've been called “Mr. Tickler” by some.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Syphilis, in Our Wonkette commenter community? Hah!

      • PristineODummy

        Man, that is COLD.

        • ttommyunger

          Facts are facts. I was in the old Army. No shower stalls, just pipes coming out of the wall. It doesn't take long to figure out that all men are, in fact, not created equal-or even close.

          • zhubajie

            The Navy was like that, too!

          • ttommyunger

            Prolly different now.

    • PristineODummy

      Yes, indeed. She was an amazing woman. I wish she'd been my mom. Sniff!

    • zhubajie

      As an anthropologist, she was a pretty well-known scholar.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And, can we at last put to rest all these question that Obama is a US Citizen. I mean, he was born in Hawaii, which is, like, right next to Kenya, right?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Ya got it Lionel. Just cross over Zion to get there.

    • Negropolis

      On the maps, Hawaii is somewhere right off the coast of Alaska, right? And, Alaska is right off the coast of California.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Are we studying for this in Atlanta, or the rest of the country?

      • finallyhappy

        In atlanta, only your teacher needs to know the answer- so why study?

    • zhubajie

      Not every American is aware that Hawai'i is part of the USA.

  • Tommmcattt

    Hapai Hapai Joy Joy! Hapai Hapai Joy Joy!
    Hapai Hapai Joy Joy! Hapai Hapai Joy Joy!
    Hapai Hapai Joy Joy! Hapai Hapai Joy Joy!
    Hapai Hapai Joy Joy! Hapai Hapai Joy Joy!
    Hapai Hapai Joy Joy! Hapai Hapai Joy Joy!
    Hapai Hapai Joy Joy! Hapai Hapai Joy Joy!
    Hapai Hapai, joy joy joy!!!

    (i miss ren and stimpy)

    • Arken

      It's all streaming on Netflix!

    • ttommyunger

      "Squidbillies" is still on Adult Swim. Fixed.

      • Negropolis

        I love that show.

        • ttommyunger

          “An Officer and a Dental Dam” and the “Pine Booby” are my favs. Have every episode of “The Mighty Boosh” as well.

    • flamingpdog

      I don't miss 'em, but Happy Happy Joy Joy was such a part of my kids growing up that I had to upfist you. (I would have anyway.)

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Every morning, my little doggy does the "Happy Happy Joy Joy" dance!

      EVERY. MORNING.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Yeah, me too.
      Futurama almost fills the void for me… almost.

  • Limeylizzie

    I would have adopted that adorable little boy and I don't much care for children, I like cats and dogs more, usually.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Downfisty troll hates little children, and he's working late tonight.
      ~

    • flamingpdog

      I would have adopted his mother. I still think she looks like she's his big sister in that picture, not his mother.

      • Limeylizzie

        MrLimeylizzie has a huge crush on her, as well.

    • June_Cleaver2.0

      Love your attitude.

    • PristineODummy

      Doesn't everybody?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    …before the Bombing and Ruining Everything phase kicks in.

    Listen to Blair, Pres. Obama.

    You could blow up all the of the Middle East (plus Iran) and gut Social Security, and the old white Republican party still won't like you.

    So how about not doing that stuff?
    ~

    • keepem_sikanpor

      Sadly all I can do is upfist once and tell you I would do it again and again and again…

    • Negropolis

      More like learn from Blair's mistake, because to this day, he refuses to apologize for sucking Bush's…anyway, Blair could have salvaged what was left of his career after Iraq, but instead decided to double-down on fail.

      • PristineODummy

        It was a very lucrative fail, for him.

        • Negropolis

          Yeah, no kidding. They had the gall to make this guy a Middle East envoy and paint him as some kind of respectable public speaker. Gawd, I hate this guy.

          • PristineODummy

            Bush was responsible for foisting him onto Yale and for that ME gig as well. Added large sums to Tony's bank account. I think the Guardian did their usual fine job of exposing it, not that anybody has an attention span anymore.

          • Negropolis

            Just goes to show that amoral fucktitude knows no geographical or cultural bounds. The UK is nearly as much of a mess, politically, as we are, now.

          • horsedreamer_1

            The fact Cameron is merely "disappointed" with the extent of the voice-mail thievery, & not arguing for prosecutions & forfeitures, is evidence enough of that.

            (Not that G. Brown was any better, in that regard. Though, at the time of his Downing Street tenure, the extent of the scandal was not known.)

          • Negropolis

            Cameron is a douchebag of epic proportions. He's in a position that he didn't really earn on merit. He strikes me as wanting to be prime minister for its own sake, not because he feels as if he has anything new or effective to bring to the job. Just another rich kid who decided to rise to the top…because he can. Ugh. There is nothing unique or interesting or worthwhile about the guy.

    • problemwithcaring

      funny!

  • fuflans

    the salvation fucking army?

    i thought they were about gold couches with stains of indeterminate origin. or 'sixteen stone' CDs without jewel cases.

    • emmelemm

      Are you a writer? Because that's poetry right there. (no snark – I just like it)

      • fuflans

        (blushes)

        no no not a writer at all. actor, classical and well, you know, language…

        also to be fair, that's actually my experience with salvation army.

        • horsedreamer_1

          That — &, as well, there's no buttsecks in your Wonkette. There's no buttsecks in your Wonkette.

    • user-of-owls

      Needz moar bells 'n kettles.

      • Negropolis

        Paul Revere was in the Salvation Army? And here I am thinking he was a soldier in the KISS Army. Ya' learn something new everyday, huh?

        • user-of-owls

          Of course Paul Revere was in the Salivation Army, you dunderhead! Don't your people celebrate our hallowed Spittle Day in the public common? I have such fond memories of my childhood days hocking giant patriotic loogies into replica Revere hand bells that the WWII vets would swing gaily about in honor of John Quincy Adam's successful guerrilla warfare campaign against the British Nazis at Normandy and Dien Bien Phu. Oh, those were the days when we were truly exceptional.

        • SorosBot

          And here, I just thought Paul Revere was the leader of the Raiders.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

        & brass bands playin' those Christmas carols and warnin' the British that they weren't gonna take our gunz away & that We Would Be Free.

    • finallyhappy

      called "The Salarmi" on the thrift shop circuit

      • BarryOPotter

        I think we just determined the source of those stains 'pon yon gold couch, or divan, if you will: After Shakespeare's been read and gin swilled, the divan became the battle ground on which advances were made to "despoil many a ginger-wreath'd maidenhead," and thusly were stains made, or deposited, if you will…

        I miss the Benincasa

        • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

          Ginger-wreathed maidenheads? Do tell, do tell!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Interesting. Between scheming to make Obama a citizen because they absolutely knew (back in the '60s when black people couldn't even drink from the same water fountains as whites) that he would be U.S. president, at one point, they also thought, what the hell, let's just put him up for adoption.

    • user-of-owls

      Fucking diabolical, "They," aren't they?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Well this is exactly the way you'd expect them to behave — whoever they turn out to be.

        • user-of-owls

          Well they certainly betrayed themselves by acting exactly as they would, they did. And as you note, they don't want us to know who they are, so you and I and we and us don't know them because they don't want us to know who they are, according to them.

          • SayItWithWookies

            I always knew they couldn't be trusted. Why, their very way of attempting to be above suspicion just didn't ring true to me at all. If only they had behaved as the miserable, shiftless double-crossers I had expected them to be, maybe I would've trusted them more. They've gone and blown their cover though, as I always knew they would.

          • user-of-owls

            But that's them, they are always like they are. Their very core defines them and their way of being as they set themselves apart from anyone who isn't like them. Don't they?

    • anniegetyerfun

      This is a family that really thought out all of their options – just imagine if some nice WHITE family had adopted him, maybe he wouldn't be such a MOOSE LEM.

    • Larry McAwful

      Yeah. The same trick worked with Moses.

    • Pragmatist2

      You underestimate these folks. "adoption" is a positive for the anti-abortion types. And polygamy brings in the Mormon vote. Very sophisticated they were. Read Asomov's Foundation Trilogy. You'll understand.

      • riverside68

        The mutant is going to get them, sometime in the next 1,000 years

  • horsedreamer_1

    You know who else was adopted?

    • Limeylizzie

      My cousin Sarah? Or my cats, Neville and Fiona?

    • savethispatient

      All of Mitt Romney's current political views?

    • OurHoboSenator

      Luke Skywalker?

    • SorosBot

      Worf?

    • user-of-owls

      Ming the Parentless?

    • ttommyunger

      Albert Yawkey?

    • PristineODummy

      I'm getting SO tired of saying "Hitler." It wasn't Hitler this time, was it?

    • Radiotherapy®

      Grover Norquist?

    • flamingpdog

      Bill o'Rights?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Skippy Handleman?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Me?

      Edit: OK, that's not really a guess.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      The three little girls on Despicable Me?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Triiiiiiiiiiiig!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Angelic Libel!

    • Larry McAwful

      Moses?

    • Sue4466

      Stuart Little?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Secret Muslin Steve Jobs?

    • AJWjr.

      Turdblossom?

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Leslie King AKA Gerald R. Ford

    • thedeathofirony

      My Boston accent?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

      The Articles of Confederation?

  • fuflans

    if any of this is true, what an even MORE extraordinary amount our president and our president's mother have achieved.

    yeah, i'm looking at you cheetos mcfingered downfister.

    • Redhead

      Yay, I gave you your 69th upfist on the comment! That just felt like an accomplishment worthy of noting :)

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Hitler!

    No? O.K. how about Babe Ruth?

    P.S. Somehow this comment escaped from horsedreamer_1's reply thread. I blame twisted fister Spanky2b.
    ~

    • PristineODummy

      I'll go with "great minds think alike" this time, thunder. Because I said that already, and in the right place, too. And besides, it wasn't Hitler anyway. I don't think he was adopted.

      • Larry McAwful

        Well, Hitler was born in Austria, but was adopted by the German people. So if you're willing to stretch your semantics, you can be right.

        • PristineODummy

          I was actually thinking of his horrible childhood — IIRC, he was subjected to daily beatings by his rather unpleasant father — and how he might have turned out if he had been adopted by someone less inclined to apply the old rod with such enthusiasm. BUT! In the interest of being righter than everyone else, I will gladly stretch anything. Semantics, truth, WTF, it's all the same to me. I think.

  • Guppy06

    "Subject got his USC wife ‘Hapai’ [Hawaiian for pregnant]"

    Thanks for the translation to haolespeakAmerican.

    • flamingpdog

      Ah, crap! My oldest male pup went to the U of Hawaii-Hilo for a year a few years ago, and he e-mailed me while he was there that he had made a girl hapai. I thought he had just forgot to use spellcheck.

      • horsedreamer_1

        That's what RU-486 is for.

  • user-of-owls

    Good thing Barry knew how to tell his wretched father, 'Go ahead and try to dump me, old man.'

    • PristineODummy

      Wow, even as a young'un, our Barry had a way with words. Not to mention a, uh, strangely compelling look. And a big gun. No, no, the other gun. Sluts.

      • user-of-owls

        "Brooks no argument" comes to mind.

        • PristineODummy

          Hey, I'd *never* argue with a well-armed pirate. Especially one with a compelling look.

  • PopeyesPipe

    I can't keep any of this straight. Is this pre- or post-Jar-Jar?

  • SorosBot

    Of course, once again the wingnuts will point to news of Obama Sr. being an asshole as somehow reflecting badly on his son who never even knew him.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Except for all the time he spent raising young Barack in Kenya, inculcating in him a deep hatred for Anglo-American values and training him to be a Mau-Mau revolutionary.

      • PristineODummy

        You know, I'm wondering if Dinesh D'Souza hangs out here. Eh? Wink?

      • SorosBot

        And all the time he indoctrinating him to be a devout Muslim, despite his being a formally Muslim atheist.

        • horsedreamer_1

          That's called hiding in plainsight.

          Barry Hussein, Sr., adopted an atheist's post while a student to blend more easily with the campus left movement of the sixties. & had he not drunk himself into Bolivian, come the 70s, when the Jesus Freak movement overtook the drugs-damaged 60s radicals, Barry, Sr., would have converted that newfound religious fervour into a People's Temple for Allah.

        • Sue4466

          And stating the Xtian fundie Salvation Army as the adoption agency of choice. Though, what better way to hide your secret muslin kid? hmmmm.

          • Redhead

            Because, while being homosexual is OBVIOUSLY a choice and not at all genetic, being Muslin is most certainly genetic and no matter what household and good fundie church they grow up in, kids of muslin parents will ALWAYS grow up to be secret muslin terrorists. It makes sense now.

    • BarryOPotter

      I have to say, the greatest thing my father taught me was how not to be a father, i.e., like him, and I have a feeling the same may be true for the President.

      So if O Sr. was an ass, then Jr. can say to the Tpublican oldz: "Shut up, grandpa! Do you know who I am? I'm not my father. Now check this out – [Drone his house…]"

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

      Yay, and just when I thought the Constitution abolished corruption of blood! Let's bring back 3/5 of a person (excluding Indians not taxed) while we're at it.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Well, someone has to ring the bell outside K-marts at Christmas time.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The photo above proves that Obama Jr. not only was born in Kenya, but lived there as well.
    What tipped me off was his pirate costume which he wore while hijacking ships and such off the east African coast. How do you think he got the money to run for president of his adopted country, the USofA?

    • Nothingisamiss

      These people are soooooo tricky.

    • flamingpdog

      Not Kenya, Libya! He's bombing Libya now because he was born to pirates on the shores of Tripoli and has harbored (no pun intended) an intense hatred of Godaffy ever since Malomar took over and drove the pirates out of Libya and sent them packing off to the Halls of Montezuma, where Paul Revere rode a burro firing guns and ringing bells to warn the Messicans that the pirates were there to take their guns.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Harbored? I swear I would like to kick Mitch McConnell in the teeth* for his idiotic comment on trying that Somali terror suspect guy in federal court: "It is not necessary to bring or continue to harbor these terrorists within the United States. "

        No, Senator McConnell, holding someone in prison or putting them on trial is not the same as "harboring" them, you gutless shitsack. Would McConnell say that the California prison system is currently "harboring Charles Manson"? Wotta asshole.

        * With VOTES, of course

        • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

          Especially because the US Attorneys' conviction rate in Federal prosecutions is something on th order of 99.5% It's not exactly bleeding heart central, so Im mystified as to their problem withn this going forward

  • Beowoof

    That Obama became the person he is, is a testament to the love given him by his Mom and Grandparents. No snark, just an observation.

    • PristineODummy

      Paraphrasing badly, but didn't Freud say that a man who has his mother's love can succeed at anything?

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Sometimes what he succeeds at his killing his father and plucking out his own eyeballs, but your point is taken.

        • PristineODummy

          Oh, fine, imissopus, just pick the one rotten apple out of the bunch.

      • Doktor Zoom

        A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.

        • PristineODummy

          That is definitely upfistworthy.

        • Boojum_Reborn

          Yes. By which I mean "your mother."

    • hagajim

      So his Mom and Grandparents taught him how to cave to the school bully – repeatedly?

      • Doktor Zoom

        Not in the face! Not in the face!!

  • user-of-owls

    Tiny Eye-Patch Pirate Obama is this generation's Moshe Dayan.

    • James Michael Curley

      What's black and white and has two eyes?

      Moshe Dayan and Sammy Davis Jr.

      • flamingpdog

        Thanks, I really needed that.

        • James Michael Curley

          Thanl Goldie Hawn and the writers of Laugh-in, circa 1968.

  • Arken

    Off-topic, but I'm highly disappointed in the powers that be at Wonkette for not jumping on Orrin Hatch winning the douchebag of the week award. http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/07/dems-g

    • BlueStateLibel

      I saw that latest GeeOPeer atrocity myself. My question is, can us poors pay for the deficit with hobo beans? Coins found in the seat cushions? Donated kidneys?

      • Arken

        He says he's a good Mormon, but I'm betting Orrin probably needs a new liver by now.

        • flamingpdog

          I'll trade him my liver for his heart. Oh, wait ..

      • PristineODummy

        Very smart of you to start on the kidneys, BSL. Now there'll be hordes of roving GOoPers leaving us kidneyless in hotel bathtubs all around the nation. Thanks. No, really, just thanks. A lot.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Both kidneys, peasant! Your life is (or should be!) shit anyway, so why would you even need to live? Besides, you could then die grateful for the opportunity to help not one, but two millionaires live longer and amass even more riches! And thus be grateful for the opportunity to not be quite as useless and unworthy as we certainly hope you felt for most of your sorry life!

        You're welcome. You may kiss my ring.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Good boy, Orrin! Now roll over so the Kochs can rub your belly!

      • PristineODummy

        There's something deeply … disturbing about the mental picture that accompanies that.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Like they haven't. That was his expression of thanks for the belly-rubbing.

    • glamourdammerung

      I would have to go with Senator Inhofe trying to gut the FAA for slapping him on the wrist after almost killing some folks myself.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        So many douchebags, so few awards.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Well, if we settle that the award plaque should be something along the lines of a used condom stapled to the back of a Denny's menu, I think we can hand out many, many, many douchebag awards. And they can all be first place.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Well, I'll be. If that isn't the best avatar I have ever seen.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Hmmm…SOMEONE is getting very tea-baggy.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Too late. The baggers are after Orrin's scalp for being a moderate.

        • ChessieNefercat

          A moderate what?! He just suggested that granny should be happy to turn over her last can of cat food so the Koch brothers can buy another gold toothpick to pick the infant beggar bits out of their blood dripping canines, so how much nastier and reprehensible can he aspire to be?

    • Doktor Zoom

      That's bullshit. Poor people are every bit as entitled to write off depreciation on their private jets as anyone else.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Apparently being poor is a lot more lucrative than I ever realized.

      • Doktor Zoom
        • BarackMyWorld

          That's brilliant.

        • Larry McAwful

          I love Ruben Bolling so much I want to gay/polygamist marry him.

    • comrad_darkness

      I have an idea. Triple the minimum wage and then they can charge income tax on that. Problem Solved.

      You're welcome.

  • ttommyunger

    Just got an email from my youngest daughter (40). She says she got an email from her mom (My ex from 32 years ago) which was actually written by Pat Boone. It outlined all the bad things Barry has done to the Country. My daughter was unhappy with herself that she had let her mom get under her skin from 500 Miles away. She had answered that 1-She had voted for Barry and would likely do so again, if given the chance. 2- Obama inherited the problems he is dealing with. 3- Pat Boone is an idiot….Sometimes having kids is a good thing. So far as this article is concerned; my great Uncle Horace once told the County Clerk that our entire family was from the Planet Mongo, so there's that.

    • Radiotherapy®

      My nephew is getting married next weekend and I have to deal with my Right Wing motherfucker brothers. It's like having Föx and Limbo on at the same time — and the channel and volume knobs won't work.

      • ttommyunger

        I feel for you. I mean it, I'm not just saying it. You know what works for me, I laugh at them. Not loud, not cruel, just quiet laughter. It drives them nucking futs! They don't understand subtlety, sarcasm or humor and they hate and fear what they can't understand. When they ask you what's so funny, just say “you're funny”, and keep chuckling. Keep your guard up, though. It really gets to them.

        • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          Understood here as well. In my experience, any sign of intelligence–using "big" words that aren't even fucking "big", talking about stuff that doesn't include babies, stupid decisions and money or sitting in a chair for too long by yourself is cause for intervention.

          Sometimes I like to just look at the night sky when these people are talking and wish on a happy little star that they would have a nice big cup of STFU served by a critical thinking fairy.

          Me: "Uh, I love this potato salad!"

          • BaldarTFlagass

            You can choose your friends, but unfortunately you're stuck with the relatives you've got.

          • ttommyunger

            Never been one for small talk myself. My sympathies, dude or dudette.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        If they mention Palin just say "who?"

        • Radiotherapy®

          Who?
          You're funny.
          With a tincture of practiced, quiet laughter.
          Hey, I'm kinda looking forward to this now.

          • ChessieNefercat

            And the merest, oh, ever so slightest hint of eye rolling.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        Once again, I am thankful to be an only child in a family chock-full of liberal nuts. We argue over things like natural versus synthetic vitamin c rather than politics. Even the Alaskans (who winter in Arizona, of course) are about as conservative as Kucinich.

      • Redhead

        I was lucky – all the relatives I have who spew Faux News and call you "uppity" for reading books are not immediate. I haven't seen them in years, but when we would, my dad and I would say things that we found hilarious, but that went right over their heads. (Which was pretty easy – they didn't understand half of what we said, or sarcasm, or humor, or subtlety, etc…)
        Here's hoping for a co-conspirator at your table.

    • June_Cleaver2.0

      There are not too many uncle Horaces, but I have one too.

      • ttommyunger

        COUSIN!

    • flamingpdog

      I have two siblings that are Republicans (although not the crazy kind) and one sib who's a moderate Dem, but of the eight pups we produced among us, seven are liberal and I still have hope for the eighth. I love the next generation.

      • PristineODummy

        Lucky dog. I have a brother who thinks I'm a Commie (jeez!), a sister who is a total believer in Capitalism/the Free Market (and probably also thinks I'm a Commie), and another brother who thinks my politics will land me in a small jail cell somewhere (so he won't associate with me). AND, none of us reproduced, so I don't even have the joy of influencing any of the younger generation into outright rebellion against their fascist parental units.

        • Radiotherapy®

          I'm going to try ttommy's advice on the quiet laughter. Because reasoning and humor certainly doesn't work. I'll report back.

          • PristineODummy

            Thank you. I eagerly await your report.

          • BarryOPotter

            I'm going to give ttommy's suggestion a shot tonight as well.

          • Radiotherapy®

            That would be a great Friday night post. Better than the usual gruel we get.

        • Larry McAwful

          Years ago, my brother (now 44) thought I (now 41) was a commie, too. He still likes Reagan, but he's abandoned the Republican Party and thinks Obama is doing okay. At least he did before Obama started talking about selling out Social Security. I haven't talked to him since before then. My sister (now 40) has quietly moved from Republican to Democrat.

          Of course, it's not all in the genes. I have a cousin (now a youthful 51) who does a "Praise Jeezus!" radio show with her twice-divorced Baptist husband (who's now, like, really old.) These are people who aren't even ashamed to admit that Intelligent [sic] Design makes sense to them, and that they feel it should be taught in public schools, so you can guess what their politics are.

          I've got another branch of my family, incredibly prolific and is two generations ahead of my branch in breeding right now, if you can believe it. They were sired by my uncle (now 84) who believes that white women marry black guys if they wait too long and are stuck not being able to find, um, anyone good, as he puts it. Those in their twenties and thirties in that branch are turning out to be more liberal, oddly enough. I guess we just have to ride this whole mess out. But that's what us commies do, isn't it?

          • PristineODummy

            Waitaminnit. I thought commies planned revolutions and overthrew people and all that good stuff. You mean I'm stuck with waiting out those morons? Oh, geez, I never get invited to any of the good Parties!

      • ttommyunger

        I want them to be fearless, independent thinkers.

    • PristineODummy

      I'm liking great-uncle Horace already.

      • ttommyunger

        They kept him in the attic. Those were the days!

        • PristineODummy

          Well, to be fair, ya gotta keep 'em somewhere. And the attic is probably more cost-effective than the local nuthouse.

          • ttommyunger

            Plus, on a slow day, they are amusing.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Birther, smirthers. Judging from the photo he would have been an admirable pirate.

  • Beetagger

    Maybe if his father had loved him he wouldn't bend over so easily for Boehner and McConnell.

    • comrad_darkness

      Oh good, I'm not the only one having bad Clinton administration flashbacks. I thought it was me.

  • iburl

    This does nothing to disprove my theory that Obama is a Reptillian shapeshifter from the planet Kyn-yaa. Read your bibles, people.

  • JoshuaNorton

    You know what? Birthers got spunk.

    I HATE spunk!!

    • Pragmatist2

      Thank you, Lou Grant.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Single. Presbyterian. You shouldn't ask these questions, Mr. Grant!

    • BarryOPotter

      Thank you, Mr. Grant!

  • BarackMyWorld

    And then the Salvation Army guy said "Where's the birth certificate?" and the jig was up.

    • Pragmatist2

      Did you say "jig"?

      • BarryOPotter

        Did you say "jig"?

        Yeah, but at least he didn't describe it as dancing or shuffling…

  • Negropolis

    Thank you for this, Boston Globe. No, really. Because, this is such solidly done journalism that we all needed to know. This is why newspapers are booming and why you guys get paid the big bucks. Whatever would we do without the likes of you? Ms. Sally Jacobs, surely, you are the bees knees for this.

  • HistoriCat

    OK, so his mom was 5 months pregnant when the INS guy interviewed BHO Sr. Did they hop a jet to Kenya the very next day? I can't imagine a woman who was in her third trimester would be comfortable making the long flight from Hawaii to Africa. Seems like an awful lot of effort – she should have just stayed in Hawaii and had the kid. Of course, then we would have missed out on the excitement of the whole conspiracy.

    • zhubajie

      No long range jets in those days. It would have meant a long time on a ship.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Or several long, tedious flights, with long, tedious waits. I recently read a novel written in 1958 that featured a flight from London to Zanzibar. It took several days and several connecting flights. Would she have even been allowed on the plane?

  • tribbzthesquidz

    I might sell my kids to the circus but I would never hand them over to evangelists. That's just wrong.

  • pinkocommi

    The more I hear about how much of a schmuck Barack Sr. was, the more I find it endearing what a committed father the POTUS is. Good on you, Barry Jr. Good on you.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Goddamn right. The more I think of how much the Bush family drank, the more I want to drink.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Yep, what a jerk!
      I'll bet Barry's mom had NO IDEA about this ruse.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, totally. His dad was suck a fuckwad.

    • zhubajie

      Let's not forget Clinton, Sr.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Young Barry was as cute as a dickens wasn't he?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Kind of makes you want to give him a hug and say, "One day you'll be president so you can offer the country watered-down economic policies to make the corporations happy but they'll still call you a socialist."

      • comrad_darkness

        LOLs!

  • rocktonsam

    Salvation Army was cool way sooner then other armies before stuff and what not

  • anniegetyerfun

    So, back then, it would IMPROVE your chances of staying in the US if you started making interracial babies and giving them away, despite being married to the child's mother? I don't think I understand how the US works, exactly.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Oh, man! Check out how chubby Barry is in the photo with his dad! No wonder Michelle is all "Here, do some push-ups. Suck this cucumber. SUCK IT!"

  • user-of-owls

    Barack Obama Sr. is the last generation's Casey Anthony.

  • axmxz

    I can't believe his mom is younger than me in that photo. Where's my future-President pirate pre-schooler?

    Mr. axmxz, I'm asking you a question!

  • comrad_darkness

    Wait, that's his mom? Woah.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    If I had a kid, I'd consider naming him/her some version of Stanley Ann.. Honestly– what an incredible woman, no shit.

  • Negropolis

    OT, but Obama, say it ain't so…

    A memo from the U.S. Department of Justice in Washington says state laws allowing medical marijuana opened the door to abuses and calls for legally targeting "large-scale, privately operated industrial marijuana cultivation centers" as well as distribution operations known as dispensaries.

    The memo — which arrived June 29 in the e-mail inboxes of U.S. attorneys nationwide, including the Detroit office — says that no patient or other user is shielded from federal prosecution by state laws.

    Man, I can understand you going after the blatantly illegal and fragant drug smuggling operations, and maybe even flagrant recreational use to keep up appearances, but fucking with medical marjiuana patients and their disepensaries? Are you fucking kidding me? The least you can do is leave them the fuck alone.

    Honestly, this is something people can be legitimately pissed about. I did not expect this.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is that Barack's mom in the pic? I didn't realize she was really the young Paul McCartney.

    • Terry

      You can see where he inherited the shape of his face, can't you? Barry actually looks like the spitting image of his maternal grandfather, but with more pigment:
      http://a.abcnews.com/images/Nightline/ht_beach_08

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Guess grandpa didn't spend much time working on his tan there in HI.

        • horsedreamer_1

          & who's the kid in the back, readying to throw balsa wood at them?

          (Prolly in Gitmo, now.)

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Looks like a boomerang to me. It's the Feral Kid from Road Warrior!!!

  • zhubajie

    Did the State of Hawai'i accept documents in Hawaian in those days?

    • DahBoner

      Pardon me, but I can speak jive…

  • LiveToServeYa

    Today, we are all drafted into the army.

    • Negropolis

      Which one…?

      • LiveToServeYa

        Probably not the one that leads to our salvation.

        • Negropolis

          The correct answer was: All of the, Katie.

  • Terry

    While growing up without a father is rarely a good thing, I'm beginning to suspect that for young Barry it was indeed preferable. He's lucky he had a good mother and grandparents.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    The Salvation Army doesn't accept kids deposited in the drop off boxes. Don't ask how I know this.

  • johnnymeatworth

    So if he's a pirate in that picture, he's not actually Kenyan, but SOMALI?!?!?!?!?! WHERE'S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!?!?!?!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Did a check of Barry's wikipedia page. No mention of this, nor the birth certificate controversy. Stupid internet Stalinists, scrubbing history when it's inconvenient.

    Also: I saw that Barry attended St. Francis of Assisi School while living in Indonesia. Sounds like a madrassah to me.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    After the Conservetarded Supremes told Humberto Garcia to FOAD, Rick Perry's beloved Tejas obliged and gave Garcia the needle. Folks planing visits to other countries can sleep easy knowing if they get arrested and wish to talk to the US Consulate, the other countries can happily point at the Garcia case and tell you to FOAD.

    Since the June numberz indicated unemployment has gone up (Federal construction monies have gone into the tank) Rick Perry's presidential campaign can gleefully point to how Tejas is doing its part by using mass executions to reduce unemployment.

    the end

    100% snark free

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Barack Hussein Bachmann?

  • Steverino247

    At least Barry made up for his pirate past and ordered SEAL's to whack three of them to save our merchant captain hostage.

  • smitallica

    I'm sure the birthers will react to this news in their customary calm, rational, totally un-batshit way.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Technology God Steve Jobs is also the product of a union between a gullible white woman and a brown (Syrian) college student, and he was actually given up for adoption. He later discovered that his birth parents stayed together and married, and that he had a full biological sister who was a famous novelist, and she went on to write a diss-roman-a-clef about him.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_jobs
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mona_Simpson_(noveli
    http://www.amazon.com/Regular-Guy-Novel-Mona-Simp

    The lesson? The only true leadership, vision and talent in America comes out of the pants of scary, swarthy International Ladies Men. As Tweety would say in an MSNBC promo, "American Exceptionalism!"

  • DahBoner

    "Ruining Everything Phase kicks in…"

    Check.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    who cares?, putting it charitably…

  • LiveToServeYa

    Worse, an anchor pirate baby. Avast and prepare to be boarded!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Finish the dang breakwater!

  • ChessieNefercat

    I suspect the critical thinking fairy spends a good deal of time wrapped in suicidal thoughts.