War on Christmas Trees.Time and again since Barack Obama took office, “severe weather” has been blamed for the destruction of many beautiful old trees all around the White House grounds. Why does this socialist Muslim president hate our nation’s trees so much? As an example of why magazines should not have websites full of cutesy bullshit blog posts, Atlantic Monthly has this web thing jokingly blaming Barack Obama for knocking down a bunch of old elms and such, on the White House grounds, because of all the constant insane weather that has gotten much worse, nationwide and worldwide, since Obama took office back in January of 2009.

Look at this crap:

We don’t want to say there’s a secret plot to destroy the tress, or that Obama is behind it, or that he has the tacit support of the elm-hating Washington press corps. That would be irresponsible.

Ha ha, that must be irony or whatever, from Alanis Morissette. God, why can’t we have a Global Recession in media word output? [Atlantic blog]

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  • nounverb911

    Wouldn't it be easier to just blame Bush for this?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Bush preferred actively destroying things to letting nature take its course.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Heckuva comment, Lionelly.

    • PristineODummy

      You blame a Bush for the destruction of trees? Tsk, tsk.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is all just part of Obama's great plan to turn the United States into a desert so that the new Caliphate will feel just like Saudi Arabia.

    I'm sure it is in the Koran somwhere.

  • Crank_Tango

    …alert secret service agents wrestled the elm to the ground.

    • ttommyunger


  • hagajim

    Sharia Law hates elm trees.

  • RoboGuppy

    If a tree falls in the forest, will conservatards hear it and blame B.O.?

    • PristineODummy

      Even if they don't, they'll still blame B.O.

  • x111e7thst

    Is Obama a carrier of Muslin Elm Disease?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Yes, but what does this have to do with the Casey Anthony trial?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      A tree killed her kid?

      • You need to branch out and leaf the trees alone. That's such wooden thinking, blaming the trees. Once an idea like that takes root, everyone's going to be barking for the death of the Elms. We need more trees, not less — I propose an Elms for the Poor program.

        • RoboGuppy

          If you keep this up, you won't be very poplar.

          • Willow quit being such a birchy little ash?

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Is this fir real?

          • All I'm aspen is that you spruce this place up when you're done.

          • Negropolis

            Maple, we should be more careful before we speak.

        • RoboGuppy

          Oak-A. I have no time fir this. If my dogwood shut up, I maple an all-nighter.

          • Makes you pine for the simpler days, when you had plenty of time and the world in your palm.

          • RoboGuppy

            Yew win. (Google it)

          • I'm not hollying my ass over to the google machine, you liberal pussy willow! And with that, I'm plum out of tree puns. There's a snowbell's chance in hell that I'll come up with more, but if I do, olive with them in silence, posting no more.

          • GOPCrusher

            The Larch.

          • PristineODummy

            Is that what you're calling it? Or did you just misspell "wood"?

          • I'm so ashamed. I tried to think of an appropriate masturbation term to use with palm trees, but the gin, vermouth and twist of lemon were seriously affecting my thought processes. What makes me even more ashamed is that I'm not quite awake yet and I just pressed the wrong damn thumb for you. I meant to press up, really I did. To make up for it, I'll stalk you for a while, making sure to upthumb you as much as possible.

          • PristineODummy

            I've always wanted my very own personal stalker.

            Yay! Another goal realized. Thanks, natoslug.

          • You're welcome. I live to help others realize their goals. As long as those goals involve alcohol and a sense of unease, that is.

          • PristineODummy

            I don't see how that changes anything for me, natoslug. My current life is centered around alcohol and a sense of unease.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Sarah Palin is the true victim here.

  • LabRodent

    I for one blame it on his Kenyan anti-colonialism upbringing.

    • PristineODummy

      You for two. Dinesh D'Spooza did it first.

    • Negropolis

      Don't you mean his Indo-Kenyan, anti-colonial, Muslin upbringing?

  • SorosBot

    Someone call the Flash; it looks like that dastardly Weather Wizard is up to no good again.

  • This is all Al Gore's fault because he lives in a big, fat house.

    – Exxon Mobil Corporation

  • Eve8Apples

    Hopey was just clearin' brush from the White House ranch.

  • hagajim

    Actually I think the trees are just a harbinger of another Obama cave to the GOP. He just keeps letting them dig the foundation right out from under them – because it costs money to water those damn things.

  • baconzgood

    Not an actual joke but an but an incredible simulation of one.

  • Joe Biden does not think this is a big fucking deal.

    • Actually, Joe Biden was out there with his Husquevarna 20" just going nuts. He was bored.

      • OneDollarJuana


        • Gesundheit.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          I don't know, Husqvarna with you?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Alanis Morissette? So, like,
    ♫ "It's like a jungle bunny
    Cuttin' down all the trees." ♪

  • freakishlywrong

    Those elms are job-creators and Obamar is bullying them and using harsh rhetoric.

  • orygoon

    That "arboreal warfare" has been going on at my house for some time. My spouse, a Druid in some past life, believes that Every Tree Is Sacred. Maybe, but here, you go to sleep one night with some little shrub that was a former owner's kid's life Christmas tree, carelessly stuck in the ground too near the house, and you wake up in the morning and there's a towering Douglas fir standing over you, over the house, over(shading) everything else that you want to grow. And it's just radiating adolescent tree hormones, daring you to either do something, or wait. Either way, you're in trouble.

    It's hard, and I don't even have the distraction of being the President.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I have a little stand of alders in my backyard. When I first moved onto the property about 13 years ago, the tallest ones were about my height, and I pulled up all the ones i could, but never got around to the ones I couldn't just yank out of the ground by hand.

      Now there's a tree house built in them. A three-story tree house with the roof about 30' off the ground.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Don't like your kids, do you? Alders' job, like clover, is to fix nitrogen from the atmosphere, die, rot, and provide fertilizer for the pines that follow. They don't tend to live long, and fall down with amazingly regularity.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Tell that to the huge alders I've got growing all around the place. I wish some of them would fall over, easier to firewood them that way. And better firewood than the big cedars they are competing against. Seriously, I've got some 80-ft alders almost two feet in diameter, and no signs of petering out just yet.

    • SorosBot

      Speaking as a pasty white redhead, there is no such thing as overshading; it would be nice if there was shade to block out the burning rays of the sun everywhere.

      • orygoon

        Speaking as an inhabitant of a region that has extremely low "insolation"–a word that I only learned and that became important to me after I moved here: you are just howlingly wrong. (It's all in the perspective, erm.)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is a post by Ken?
    "Our master has been taken up! He is risen!!"
    "No, there he is, over there."

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Ken is the Once and Future Editor. When he comes back and reigns again, a time of peace will be upon the land. The Blog and the Editor are One!

      • Oblios_Cap

        Don't tell him about Wonkette, Jr. and Galahad!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      See? See? I told ya, the end times have arrived. Harold Camping was a fucking genius.

    • This is a post *edited* by me. It should say Wonkette Jr., as ever more Wonkette Juniors submit posts by email, like weird old people on the AOL, instead of just typing them into our publishing system. (I am not big on Alanis Morisette references, personally.)

    • LiveToServeYa

      Needs more Doom.

  • Ha ha, that must be irony or whatever, from Alanis Morissette.

    Ray Gustini, Alanis' new pen name.

    Ken, the Atlantic's "business and economics editor" is Megan McArdle.

    They've got no credibility left to lose.

    • PristineODummy

      Not with Megan at the helm, no. That woman actually twisted herself into a pretzel defending gourmet finishing salts, for Chrisake. Like anybody except Dick Cheney and the Two Percenters can even afford that shit anymore.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That O'bama is pretty powerful if he can just change the weather by taking office!

    • DashboardBuddha

      The Magic Negro

    • GOPCrusher

      And the Republiklans keep trying to provoke his wrath?

  • DaRooster

    Gonna sell the firewood to raise money for Obama-Care?
    Have a raffle… raffles are awesome fund raisers.

  • Trees are dumb.

    • PristineODummy

      Remember when one of our fearsome religiony-but-not-sciency leaders once said, "You've seen one tree, you've seen them all"? Or am I the only Official Oldz on this site?

  • It's that Kenyan Elm Disease.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Hey Wonkette, when are we gonna get a post about the News of the Screws debacle? I want to make a snide remark about how Rebekah Brooks looks like Weird Al Yankovich.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Trees grow up, trees come down. Who can explain it?

    • PristineODummy

      Not BillO, that's fershure.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I'd be concerned, too, that the lawn around the Capitol is green as summer when the Christmas tree is being delivered.

    What climate change?

    (Guess DC ought to get ready for the malaria outbreaks.)

    (& this is 100% NOMAN "snark" free — I mean, real malaria, not some made-up nickname for the Prexy's kid.)

  • emmelemm

    Arbour Day? What are you, Canadian?

    • Oblios_Cap


      • horsedreamer_1

        Maple Leafs Libel!

  • Elm trees turn orange in the Autumn, so a little preemptive strike? Damned Ohio Republican trees anyhow.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Say it plainly–
    The human name
    Doesn't mean shit to a tree…

    but if we keep losing trees, we'll be in deep shit, if we aren't already…


  • finallyhappy

    The White House is at one end of 16th Street and my neighborhood is at the other end. We lost a number of trees this winter- I will no longer blame the weather-I realize now my Muslin Overlord is killing the Erts.

  • mog253

    Hard to snark on trees.

  • Tommmcattt

    $20 says Gateway Pundit picks this up and posts it as absolute fact.

    • DashboardBuddha

      No bet.

    • PristineODummy

      Really. Nobody wants to lose $20 THAT bad.

  • Following the link to the Atlantic one finds an ad for the Five Best Columns of the Day in the Atlantic emailed to you each morning.

    That would be like signing up to have five pieces of shit stuck in your mailbox every day.

  • genxr

    This only started happening after DemocRATs took office. If we elect Republicans, everything will fix itself. Unless they're RINOs, or there are still liebruls left who haven't been hunted for sport.

  • James Michael Curley

    The Ents are marching!

  • LiveToServeYa

    The trees either fell over because they were morally weak or obstructed the view of Mecca.

  • Radiotherapy®

    I almost fell for this stupid story.

    (Extem, is that you?)

    • Extemporanus

      You sap.

      Lacking a cord, I wood knot go against the grain and log-in solely to sow seeds of doubt about Bark Obama's presidential timber by planting such a lumbering, clear cut, hatchet job of a post without firs going out on a limb and re-kindling a whittled-down conservationist Ent-whistle or two — "Run, Black Forest, run!", "Bad noose, lynch mob!", "Won't get felled again!" — stemming from the dirty accusations of reverse-veneerist, ACORN-strewn roots to which he perennially leaves himself exposed.

      TRUE FACT: The real reason why there aren't any White House cherry trees still standing is because sexually perverted stump-humper and splinter-dicked future "Founding Father" Lil' Georgie Washington forcibly raped the gaping axe-gash of every single fucking last one of them, and then just cold turned their backyard-aborted fetuses ("tretuses"?) into teeth.

      ♪♫ I cannot tell a lie, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day… ♪♫

      • Radiotherapy®

        Leave it to yew to come out of the woods and log in another masterpiece.
        I stand in awl; though, I'll go out on limb here, it rings true that few will see it buried in the backwoods.

  • mavenmaven

    Yesterday the same writer wrote a piece about terrorists using exploding breast implants, so perhaps he is their "comedy writer".

    • Oh baby, your tits are "da bomb!" I'm sorry, but if I ever became a suicide bomber, I'd go for an explosive buttock implant. I'd want to be known as the creator of a weapon of ass destruction.

    • PristineODummy

      OK, fine, but I'm really not understanding why these terrrrrrrst doods would want bigger moobs, yaknow?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Eric Cantor is right now insisting that the White House has to increase shade without adding new trees.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    this is what you deserve if you read anything remotely related to Andrew Sullivan on the intertubes.

    • widestanceroman

      Anyone else think it's ODD that Sullivan finally returns to England for a vacation and the NOTW folds? I mean, I don't but there are conspiracists everywhere.

  • Callyson

    Today, the old elms and such.
    Tomorrow, the majority in the House…

  • anniegetyerfun

    Dudes, FLOTUS needs the sun for the veggie garden. Duh. Kortney would agree – do you think cukes get that big by growing under the shade of a giant cedar? No. No, they do not.

    • PristineODummy

      Just looking at Kortney makes MY cucumber get that big. I don't know about yours.

  • Gopherit

    Hmmmm….so the republicans are treatening to cause a new depression just because, social security and medicare are under attack by the republicans AND the administration, we're involved in wars all over the globe, and those useless bastards at the atlantic come up with this lame-ass excuse for satire? Grrr.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    ACORN. Wake up sheeple!!!!11!! The elms are being replaced by oak trees.

    • Downside is that it takes 'bout 50 years before an oak starts with the acorns. But then in 50 years James O'Keefe will be sitting pretty in hiz Depends rockin' away at the olde farts home.

  • Grief_Lessons

    First, they came for the Indians, and I said nothing because I wasn't an Indian. Then they came for the Mexicans, Spanish, and the Brits, and I said nothing. Then the Ottoman Empire, Germans, Italians, Japanese, Koreans, Russians, Vietnamese, Iraqis, Afghans, and some others in there too small to mention, and I said nothing.

    When they came for the trees, really who the fuck was left to care?

  • CrunchyKnee

    Isn't there a Randian parable somewhere for this? Oh yeah, "Rush – The Trees".

    Wake up SHEEPLE!!111!


  • soojank
    • horsedreamer_1

      & yet the man would re-impose DADT if elected.

  • jus_wonderin

    They paved paradise and put up a parking lot?

    They took all the trees
    And put them in a tree museum?

    Then they charged the people
    A dollar and a half just to see 'em?

  • Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue

  • haha, that christmas tree is about to nut all over the capitol building's single gigantic boob.

  • MinAgain

    I think that I shall never see
    A blog as lovely as a tree.

    A tree whose fallen trunk is good
    For nothing more than firewood.

  • GOPCrusher

    VIDEO: First Lady accepts White House tree.

    Is that slang for sexytime in the Obama household?

  • ttommyunger

    So, does a bear shit in the woods if there are no trees. I mean, how is that even possible? Who's looking out for the bears? OK, I got nothin.

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