ARBOUR DAY FUNERAL  2:08 pm July 7, 2011

Liberal-Obama Climate Change Now Killing All White House Trees

by Wonkette Jr.

War on Christmas Trees.Time and again since Barack Obama took office, “severe weather” has been blamed for the destruction of many beautiful old trees all around the White House grounds. Why does this socialist Muslim president hate our nation’s trees so much? As an example of why magazines should not have websites full of cutesy bullshit blog posts, Atlantic Monthly has this web thing jokingly blaming Barack Obama for knocking down a bunch of old elms and such, on the White House grounds, because of all the constant insane weather that has gotten much worse, nationwide and worldwide, since Obama took office back in January of 2009.

Look at this crap:

We don’t want to say there’s a secret plot to destroy the tress, or that Obama is behind it, or that he has the tacit support of the elm-hating Washington press corps. That would be irresponsible.

Ha ha, that must be irony or whatever, from Alanis Morissette. God, why can’t we have a Global Recession in media word output? [Atlantic blog]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 125 comments }

nounverb911 July 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Wouldn't it be easier to just blame Bush for this?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Bush preferred actively destroying things to letting nature take its course.

horsedreamer_1 July 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Heckuva comment, Lionelly.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 8:55 pm

You blame a Bush for the destruction of trees? Tsk, tsk.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

This is all just part of Obama's great plan to turn the United States into a desert so that the new Caliphate will feel just like Saudi Arabia.

I'm sure it is in the Koran somwhere.

Crank_Tango July 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

…alert secret service agents wrestled the elm to the ground.

ttommyunger July 7, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Ha,ha,ha,ha!

hagajim July 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Sharia Law hates elm trees.

MARCdMan July 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

So does Dutch Elm Disease.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Damn Dutch Muslims!

nounverb911 July 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Geert Wilders resents that remark.

horsedreamer_1 July 7, 2011 at 2:57 pm

The Tea Party's answer to Joe Francis just got an idea for an hot new video series: Girls Gone Wilders.

MLHencken July 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Don't forget the Chestnuts. Blight FTW.

horsedreamer_1 July 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

40th President Libel!

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I thought El Ms was the military component of Shariah law.

RoboGuppy July 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

If a tree falls in the forest, will conservatards hear it and blame B.O.?

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Even if they don't, they'll still blame B.O.

x111e7thst July 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Is Obama a carrier of Muslin Elm Disease?

OneYieldRegular July 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Yes, but what does this have to do with the Casey Anthony trial?

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

A tree killed her kid?

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm

You need to branch out and leaf the trees alone. That's such wooden thinking, blaming the trees. Once an idea like that takes root, everyone's going to be barking for the death of the Elms. We need more trees, not less — I propose an Elms for the Poor program.

RoboGuppy July 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm

If you keep this up, you won't be very poplar.

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Willow quit being such a birchy little ash?

RoboGuppy July 7, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Oak-A. I have no time fir this. If my dogwood shut up, I maple an all-nighter.

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Makes you pine for the simpler days, when you had plenty of time and the world in your palm.

Lascauxcaveman July 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Sarah Palin is the true victim here.

LabRodent July 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I for one blame it on his Kenyan anti-colonialism upbringing.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:30 pm

You for two. Dinesh D'Spooza did it first.

Negropolis July 7, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Don't you mean his Indo-Kenyan, anti-colonial, Muslin upbringing?

SorosBot July 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Someone call the Flash; it looks like that dastardly Weather Wizard is up to no good again.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

This is all Al Gore's fault because he lives in a big, fat house.

- Exxon Mobil Corporation

Eve8Apples July 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Hopey was just clearin' brush from the White House ranch.

hagajim July 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Actually I think the trees are just a harbinger of another Obama cave to the GOP. He just keeps letting them dig the foundation right out from under them – because it costs money to water those damn things.

baconzgood July 7, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Not an actual joke but an but an incredible simulation of one.

donner_froh July 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Joe Biden does not think this is a big fucking deal.

MLHencken July 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Actually, Joe Biden was out there with his Husquevarna 20" just going nuts. He was bored.

OneDollarJuana July 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Husqvarna.

donner_froh July 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Gesundheit.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 7, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I don't know, Husqvarna with you?

BaldarTFlagass July 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Alanis Morissette? So, like,
♫ "It's like a jungle bunny
Cuttin' down all the trees." ♪

freakishlywrong July 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Those elms are job-creators and Obamar is bullying them and using harsh rhetoric.

orygoon July 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

That "arboreal warfare" has been going on at my house for some time. My spouse, a Druid in some past life, believes that Every Tree Is Sacred. Maybe, but here, you go to sleep one night with some little shrub that was a former owner's kid's life Christmas tree, carelessly stuck in the ground too near the house, and you wake up in the morning and there's a towering Douglas fir standing over you, over the house, over(shading) everything else that you want to grow. And it's just radiating adolescent tree hormones, daring you to either do something, or wait. Either way, you're in trouble.

It's hard, and I don't even have the distraction of being the President.

Lascauxcaveman July 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I have a little stand of alders in my backyard. When I first moved onto the property about 13 years ago, the tallest ones were about my height, and I pulled up all the ones i could, but never got around to the ones I couldn't just yank out of the ground by hand.

Now there's a tree house built in them. A three-story tree house with the roof about 30' off the ground.

OneDollarJuana July 7, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Don't like your kids, do you? Alders' job, like clover, is to fix nitrogen from the atmosphere, die, rot, and provide fertilizer for the pines that follow. They don't tend to live long, and fall down with amazingly regularity.

Lascauxcaveman July 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Tell that to the huge alders I've got growing all around the place. I wish some of them would fall over, easier to firewood them that way. And better firewood than the big cedars they are competing against. Seriously, I've got some 80-ft alders almost two feet in diameter, and no signs of petering out just yet.

SorosBot July 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Speaking as a pasty white redhead, there is no such thing as overshading; it would be nice if there was shade to block out the burning rays of the sun everywhere.

orygoon July 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Speaking as an inhabitant of a region that has extremely low "insolation"–a word that I only learned and that became important to me after I moved here: you are just howlingly wrong. (It's all in the perspective, erm.)

BaldarTFlagass July 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

This is a post by Ken?
"Our master has been taken up! He is risen!!"
"No, there he is, over there."

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 7, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Ken is the Once and Future Editor. When he comes back and reigns again, a time of peace will be upon the land. The Blog and the Editor are One!

Oblios_Cap July 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Don't tell him about Wonkette, Jr. and Galahad!

Dudleydidwrong July 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm

See? See? I told ya, the end times have arrived. Harold Camping was a fucking genius.

Ken Layne July 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

This is a post *edited* by me. It should say Wonkette Jr., as ever more Wonkette Juniors submit posts by email, like weird old people on the AOL, instead of just typing them into our publishing system. (I am not big on Alanis Morisette references, personally.)

LiveToServeYa July 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Needs more Doom.

ifthethunderdontgetya July 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Ha ha, that must be irony or whatever, from Alanis Morissette.

Ray Gustini, Alanis' new pen name.

Ken, the Atlantic's "business and economics editor" is Megan McArdle.

They've got no credibility left to lose.
~

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Not with Megan at the helm, no. That woman actually twisted herself into a pretzel defending gourmet finishing salts, for Chrisake. Like anybody except Dick Cheney and the Two Percenters can even afford that shit anymore.

Oblios_Cap July 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

That O'bama is pretty powerful if he can just change the weather by taking office!

DashboardBuddha July 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

The Magic Negro

GOPCrusher July 7, 2011 at 5:34 pm

And the Republiklans keep trying to provoke his wrath?

DaRooster July 7, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Gonna sell the firewood to raise money for Obama-Care?
Have a raffle… raffles are awesome fund raisers.

DerrickWildcat July 7, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Trees are dumb.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Remember when one of our fearsome religiony-but-not-sciency leaders once said, "You've seen one tree, you've seen them all"? Or am I the only Official Oldz on this site?

ManchuCandidate July 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm

It's that Kenyan Elm Disease.

Thurman Munster IV July 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Hey Wonkette, when are we gonna get a post about the News of the Screws debacle? I want to make a snide remark about how Rebekah Brooks looks like Weird Al Yankovich.

elviouslyqueer July 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Trees grow up, trees come down. Who can explain it?

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Not BillO, that's fershure.

horsedreamer_1 July 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I'd be concerned, too, that the lawn around the Capitol is green as summer when the Christmas tree is being delivered.

What climate change?

(Guess DC ought to get ready for the malaria outbreaks.)

(& this is 100% NOMAN "snark" free — I mean, real malaria, not some made-up nickname for the Prexy's kid.)

emmelemm July 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Arbour Day? What are you, Canadian?

Oblios_Cap July 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm

eh?

horsedreamer_1 July 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Maple Leafs Libel!

weejee July 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Elm trees turn orange in the Autumn, so a little preemptive strike? Damned Ohio Republican trees anyhow.

Dudleydidwrong July 7, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Say it plainly–
The human name
Doesn't mean shit to a tree…

but if we keep losing trees, we'll be in deep shit, if we aren't already…

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm

HUSSONG OBAMR'Z MORAL WEEKNIS KILZ TREAZ!!!!111!!!!!

finallyhappy July 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

The White House is at one end of 16th Street and my neighborhood is at the other end. We lost a number of trees this winter- I will no longer blame the weather-I realize now my Muslin Overlord is killing the Erts.

mog253 July 7, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Hard to snark on trees.

Tommmcattt July 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

$20 says Gateway Pundit picks this up and posts it as absolute fact.

DashboardBuddha July 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm

No bet.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Really. Nobody wants to lose $20 THAT bad.

donner_froh July 7, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Following the link to the Atlantic one finds an ad for the Five Best Columns of the Day in the Atlantic emailed to you each morning.

That would be like signing up to have five pieces of shit stuck in your mailbox every day.

genxr July 7, 2011 at 2:41 pm

This only started happening after DemocRATs took office. If we elect Republicans, everything will fix itself. Unless they're RINOs, or there are still liebruls left who haven't been hunted for sport.

James Michael Curley July 7, 2011 at 2:41 pm

The Ents are marching!

LiveToServeYa July 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm

The trees either fell over because they were morally weak or obstructed the view of Mecca.

Radiotherapy® July 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I almost fell for this stupid story.

(Extem, is that you?)

Extemporanus July 7, 2011 at 8:04 pm

You sap.

Lacking a cord, I wood knot go against the grain and log-in solely to sow seeds of doubt about Bark Obama's presidential timber by planting such a lumbering, clear cut, hatchet job of a post without firs going out on a limb and re-kindling a whittled-down conservationist Ent-whistle or two — "Run, Black Forest, run!", "Bad noose, lynch mob!", "Won't get felled again!" — stemming from the dirty accusations of reverse-veneerist, ACORN-strewn roots to which he perennially leaves himself exposed.

TRUE FACT: The real reason why there aren't any White House cherry trees still standing is because sexually perverted stump-humper and splinter-dicked future "Founding Father" Lil' Georgie Washington forcibly raped the gaping axe-gash of every single fucking last one of them, and then just cold turned their backyard-aborted fetuses ("tretuses"?) into teeth.

♪♫ I cannot tell a lie, and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day… ♪♫

Radiotherapy® July 8, 2011 at 12:53 am

Leave it to yew to come out of the woods and log in another masterpiece.
I stand in awl; though, I'll go out on limb here, it rings true that few will see it buried in the backwoods.

mavenmaven July 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Yesterday the same writer wrote a piece about terrorists using exploding breast implants, so perhaps he is their "comedy writer".

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Oh baby, your tits are "da bomb!" I'm sorry, but if I ever became a suicide bomber, I'd go for an explosive buttock implant. I'd want to be known as the creator of a weapon of ass destruction.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:40 pm

OK, fine, but I'm really not understanding why these terrrrrrrst doods would want bigger moobs, yaknow?

SayItWithWookies July 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Eric Cantor is right now insisting that the White House has to increase shade without adding new trees.

HobbesEvilTwin July 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm

this is what you deserve if you read anything remotely related to Andrew Sullivan on the intertubes.

widestanceroman July 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Anyone else think it's ODD that Sullivan finally returns to England for a vacation and the NOTW folds? I mean, I don't but there are conspiracists everywhere.

Callyson July 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Today, the old elms and such.
Tomorrow, the majority in the House…

anniegetyerfun July 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Dudes, FLOTUS needs the sun for the veggie garden. Duh. Kortney would agree – do you think cukes get that big by growing under the shade of a giant cedar? No. No, they do not.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Just looking at Kortney makes MY cucumber get that big. I don't know about yours.

Gopherit July 7, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Hmmmm….so the republicans are treatening to cause a new depression just because, social security and medicare are under attack by the republicans AND the administration, we're involved in wars all over the globe, and those useless bastards at the atlantic come up with this lame-ass excuse for satire? Grrr.

Rosie_Scenario July 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

ACORN. Wake up sheeple!!!!11!! The elms are being replaced by oak trees.

weejee July 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Downside is that it takes 'bout 50 years before an oak starts with the acorns. But then in 50 years James O'Keefe will be sitting pretty in hiz Depends rockin' away at the olde farts home.

Grief_Lessons July 7, 2011 at 2:58 pm

First, they came for the Indians, and I said nothing because I wasn't an Indian. Then they came for the Mexicans, Spanish, and the Brits, and I said nothing. Then the Ottoman Empire, Germans, Italians, Japanese, Koreans, Russians, Vietnamese, Iraqis, Afghans, and some others in there too small to mention, and I said nothing.

When they came for the trees, really who the fuck was left to care?

CrunchyKnee July 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Isn't there a Randian parable somewhere for this? Oh yeah, "Rush – The Trees".
http://youtu.be/UWHEcIbhDiw

Wake up SHEEPLE!!111!

sob

soojank July 7, 2011 at 3:15 pm
horsedreamer_1 July 7, 2011 at 4:04 pm

& yet the man would re-impose DADT if elected.

jus_wonderin July 7, 2011 at 3:22 pm

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot?

They took all the trees
And put them in a tree museum?

Then they charged the people
A dollar and a half just to see 'em?

gurukalehuru July 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue

inapewetrust July 7, 2011 at 3:50 pm

haha, that christmas tree is about to nut all over the capitol building's single gigantic boob.

MinAgain July 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I think that I shall never see
A blog as lovely as a tree.

A tree whose fallen trunk is good
For nothing more than firewood.

GOPCrusher July 7, 2011 at 5:38 pm

VIDEO: First Lady accepts White House tree.

Is that slang for sexytime in the Obama household?

ttommyunger July 7, 2011 at 6:47 pm

So, does a bear shit in the woods if there are no trees. I mean, how is that even possible? Who's looking out for the bears? OK, I got nothin.

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I somehow got bumped up to 104p a few weeks ago in spite of not having been humorous since the Clinton administration.

LiveToServeYa July 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

There is no P rating. Say whatever the hell you want.

BaldarTFlagass July 7, 2011 at 3:37 pm

That's a no-shitter. I've been stuck where I am for what seems like weeks. It'd be nice to get up there in the heavy-hitter Barb- and Sorosbot-residing Olympus of the 120s, but by the time I do the new acme will be up in the 130s. I kinda feel like Sisyphus.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:24 pm

With my pness at its current lowly state, I do not want to hear those with larger pnesses gripe about the smallness of their pness, if you get my drift.

deanbooth July 8, 2011 at 9:04 am

I promised myself to ignore pee when I hit 100, and was doing a pretty good job at it. But a couple of weeks ago it suddenly went down and raised my pee consciousness.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 7, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Is this fir real?

LowProfileinGA July 7, 2011 at 3:56 pm

A stiff dose of penicillin should fix you right up.

BaldarTFlagass July 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm

That stuff gives me hives. Fortunately there are alternatives.

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 4:03 pm

All I'm aspen is that you spruce this place up when you're done.

RoboGuppy July 7, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Yew win. (Google it)

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Is that what you're calling it? Or did you just misspell "wood"?

natoslug July 7, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I'm not hollying my ass over to the google machine, you liberal pussy willow! And with that, I'm plum out of tree puns. There's a snowbell's chance in hell that I'll come up with more, but if I do, olive with them in silence, posting no more.

GOPCrusher July 7, 2011 at 5:30 pm

The Larch.

PristineODummy July 7, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Will it require that po-faced bore's participation? Because even nekky pikkies couldn't lure me to anything with Geert's mug on it.

Negropolis July 7, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Maple, we should be more careful before we speak.

natoslug July 8, 2011 at 10:34 am

I'm so ashamed. I tried to think of an appropriate masturbation term to use with palm trees, but the gin, vermouth and twist of lemon were seriously affecting my thought processes. What makes me even more ashamed is that I'm not quite awake yet and I just pressed the wrong damn thumb for you. I meant to press up, really I did. To make up for it, I'll stalk you for a while, making sure to upthumb you as much as possible.

PristineODummy July 8, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I've always wanted my very own personal stalker.

Yay! Another goal realized. Thanks, natoslug.

natoslug July 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

You're welcome. I live to help others realize their goals. As long as those goals involve alcohol and a sense of unease, that is.

PristineODummy July 8, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I don't see how that changes anything for me, natoslug. My current life is centered around alcohol and a sense of unease.

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