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hitting it big time.Sex advice columnist Bristol Palin continues to roam the lower 48 doling out her witty repartee and shilling copies of her college entry essay (just kidding) to thousands of borderline-illiterate consumers who keep asking her when they can see the free teevee version instead. Who will get to play Bristol? We pick, uh, Matt Damon? He’s good. So where is Bristol headed now, because WE NEED TO KNOW. Oh fine, she is headed to a Texas Walmart in small town Fredericksburg, population 11,305.

There she’ll join other shoppers to build a little altar to the Chinese manufacturing gods and say a few prayers asking Chinese workers not to start wanting to get paid too much. Then she’ll sell books.

Um, let’s see, what else can we say about this? Very little! Bristol’s Mall of America appearance was a spectacular flop even with Mother Grifter showing up to participate, so let’s hope that this means the Palins will just become some kind of strange specialty sale item that turns up in the Walmart discount bins in small southern towns FROM NOW ON. It’s not a lot to ask.

The local paper put the announcement about the signing on its Facebook wall, which generated “lots” of excitement:

Yeah, so, everybody enjoy that. [Facebook; thanks to Wonkette Operative “A Finlayson”]

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  • nounverb911

    They found people in Texas that can read?

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      no, but if you ply them with enough wine coolers, they'll say or do just about anything.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, they can at least "read" Bristol's book. Sort of like being able to read The Cat in the Hat, but with a less interesting plot.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Yes. The ones from Mexico Latin America any other country anywhere but Texas. Except maybe Alabama and Mississippi.

    • Terry

      The Texans who can read are concentrated in Austin, Dallas, and the Houston-Galveston area. Most of them moved to Texas from elsewhere, however.

      • MildMidwesterner

        There are a few literate folks changing planes at DFW as well.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        *clears throat*
        There's a couple of us down here in San Antonio, too. But, like you said, from somewhere else originally.

        • Terry

          True, true. I've had many good times in San Antonio. The only real thing I have against the city is that they set their boundaries WAY far out of town. You're driving on the interstate from Houston, with no stops but a visit to the Dairy Queen in Weimar for an ice cream and a potty break. You see a sign announcing the San Antonio City Limit and get all excited, but come to realize that you are actually nowhere NEAR the city.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            That's a pretty grim drive, did it every week for several years. Frank's in Schulenberg is pretty good grub, and I think I recall a place in Flatonia (Shorty's?) that was decent too. You can tell you are in Luling just from the hydrogen sulfide stench from the oil wells. And despite the incorporation by the city of San Antonio, the distal portions of the south and east side are still full of cattle ranches rather than subdivisions and urban sprawl, which I am sure is what they were angling for…

          • riverside68

            You all certainly paint an attractive picture of the local environs. I cannot imagine how I have missed that part of the country, and how I am going to be able to continue to miss it.

    • V572 [SSAN]

      Surely you meant to say, "…people in Texas who can read…"

    • mog253

      It's a pop-up book, heh.

      • ChessieNefercat

        No, no, I believe that would be Levi's book.

        • kissawookiee

          Levi's pop-up started this nightmare in the first place.

    • MinAgain

      After all, reading is fundamental.

    • iburl

      Barbara Jordan

  • Is it too soon to hope that Palin novelty has peaked?

    • tcaalaw

      I thought only male Palins were capable of peaking?

      • PristineODummy

        Or perhaps "piquing."

    • tessiee

      "Is it too soon to hope that Palin novelty has peaked?"

      I'm inclined to think that the analogy wouldn't be novelty, but herpes — they go away for awhile, but then inevitably return in a painful, embarrassing, and annoying way.

  • nounverb911

    Who's minding the meth lab?

    • user-of-owls

      One of the stray, oddly-named youngin's no doubt.

    • fuflans

      and i keep wondering who's minding the kid(z).

      • ChessieNefercat

        Well, aren't you quite the east coast elitist liberal, with no common sense, that doesn't understand real Americans and their time-tested truths?*

        *From the Palin Parenting Handbook (coloring book edition): Good answer to any question about the kids; ex: "Why is Trog eating gravel and ants off the driveway?"

        • tessiee

          Shorter: "WIIIIIIITCH!!"

      • insidebeltway

        The founding fathers.

    • Hitler?

      How about Newt, he doesn't have much to do.
      ~

    • DaRooster

      Levi… he's out back "rapin' " drunk girls…. but he is there.

    • widestanceroman

      All of them.

    • Terry

      Her almost-mother-in-law, assuming her ankle bracelet lets her venture that far from the trailer.

      • riverside68

        I thought the meth lab was in the trailer

        • ChessieNefercat

          Not that trailer!

          • DaRooster

            The one with windows.

    • flamingpdog

      parishioners from the local Meth-odist Church.

    • zhubajie

      Trip and Trig!

    • PristineODummy

      Trig. Wut? You don't need teh smratz to cook meth.

  • OneDollarJuana

    A small town in Texas, huh? Sure hope they haven't laid off all the cops.

    • Iam_Who_Iam

      Better hope there isn't a fire either, cuz those fire department services aren't free here in Texas doncha' know. http://www.kten.com/story/15037023/local-fire-dep

    • DaRooster

      Yep, gotta keep back… the… tens of peoples.

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe they have a chainsaw wielding maniac, that goes by the name of Leatherface.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The good news is that you can get wine coolers really cheap at Walmart.

    • nounverb911

      Tents too.

      • Terry

        She doesn't need a tent when there is a perfectly secluded area out behind the dumpster.

        • DaRooster

          She doesn't need a tent when there is a perfectly secluded area out behind inside the dumpster.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Assuming the Walmart is not in a "dry county" like Bowie or around Childress, TX.

    • mog253

      a two'fer!

    • ChessieNefercat

      "The good news is that you can get wine coolers really cheap at Walmart."

      And also Bristol.

    • GOPCrusher

      I don't usually drink wine coolers, but when I do, I drink Sam's Choice Brand Wine Coolers.
      Brisket Palin-The Most Interesting Person In Wasilla, AK.

      • PristineODummy

        Only until she hits 30 or all the implants start to sag.

    • PristineODummy

      Wow, Bristle could get preggers again!

  • Soylent Green

    Hey – lookit me. I'm not reading any Palin stories anymore. Damn.

    • ChessieNefercat

      You're an inspiration to us all!

  • freakishlywrong

    Please Allah, let this be the 14:30 minute we've been uulating fer..

    • LetUsBray

      If they're having to keep go to smaller, more remote, more godsforsaken hell-holes to find backward enough rubes to be still enchanted by this brood, that's gotta be a promising sign.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Yes, I saw something yesterday to the effect that an appearance in Alabama (Mississippi? Georgia?) drew all of about 50 people.

        • PristineODummy

          When they're striking out in the heart of teabagger territory, you know they're at 14:59.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I thought they were all too busy praying?

    • ChessieNefercat

      And their prayers were answered! Bristol is here to save Texas!

    • flamingpdog

      Praying while the Palins are out preying on them.

      • tessiee

        Nicely done.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    This will become the new Texas Biology text book.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "This will become the new Texas Biology text book."

      And the Marriage and Family textbook, also.

      • Blasphemy! the Bible iz all you need.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Oh, how I wish someone had told Bristol that before she penned her magnum opus.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Take away the — ahem — "book" and her tour is nothing more than a haphazard sequel to Raising Arizona.

    • genxr

      needz moar John Goodman

      • freakishlywrong

        and Holly Hunter. "You bring me that baby, Hagh.."

    • widestanceroman

      She's young, she's healthy, what does she want with a job?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Raising Arizona was more believable.

      • Made a lot more sense as well.

        • mog253

          And MUCH funnier!

    • Jerri

      Except every character in Raising Arizona was likeable.

  • hagajim

    Bristol can take her fat ass to Texass and keep it there for all I care.

  • SorosBot

    This is good news for peopleofwalmart.com

    • nonbeliever7

      Yes, I visit that website whenever I start wavering on my diet. Instant loss of appetite….ACK thbbft

  • Eve8Apples

    If you buy the book, Wal-Mart will throw in a coupon for a free pregnancy test.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Eight coupons!

    • DaRooster

      Rape kits still $69.95

  • KotBR

    'No personalization-signature only'.

    They're just worried about running out of crayons.

    • ChessieNefercat

      She can't reliably read or spell anything correctly except her name.

      • genxr

        There's a robo-pen under the table.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      'No personalization-signature only'. Hah, even Brisdull is getting tired of these yammering schlubs.

    • GOPCrusher

      Brisket: And how do you spell Billy-Bob?

      • tessiee

        The difference is that we would ask that sarcastically, but Bristle actually doesn't know.

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Lsst night I watched a documentary called, "The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia".

    Made me think of Mama Grifter, only the Whites were more honest about their crimes.

    • V572 [SSAN]

      Jesco White! He had his own documentary some years back on the teevee. What a wonderful American family.

    • FNMA

      That is a great flick. Loved grandma's birthday party. And it has Hank III.

    • Barrelhse

      My daughter recommended that to me- hilarious.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Palin? Palin? Where have I heard that name before? Wasn't that the name of a Quentin Tarantino film that bombed badly? Or it is the name of a newly-released biological disease being cooked up by Al Qaeda, the Pentagon, or Karl Rove? Certainly one of these…

    • Radiotherapy®

      Does that biological disease have anything to do with hookworms?

      • Oblios_Cap

        Just what are you conjecturing about the Palins and Hookworms?

    • Check the credits for A Fish Called Wanda.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Or it is the name of a biological disease cooked up by fucking John McCain's fucking campaign advisors? Certainly one of these…

    • a newly-released biological disease being cooked up

      …by thearmadillo lepers… yes, yes… it's a vast conspiracy

      • tessiee

        I thought it was the reverse vampires in league with the flying saucer people.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It just proves that there really isn't anything worth doing in Fredricksburg, TX.

    Maybe they'll stone BrisTool to try to end the drought. Didn't that work in "The Crucible"?

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      I heard that around Austin they are "praying for a hurricane".

    • PristineODummy

      Some Shirley Jackson book or other.

  • Poindexter718

    Fredericksburg's cool; LBJ's ranch is nearby. If he were still alive, he'd have her butchered, BBQ her on a spit and serve her to prospective voters.

    • Oblios_Cap

      But would he have held her up by the ears and pointed out her C-Section scar?

      Enquiring minds want to know!

      • genxr

        He would have held her by her short and curlys.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Lots of good wineries on 290 between Johnson City and Fredericksburg, too. For the tasting. Also, Luckenbach is just a few miles south.

      • mog253

        With Waylon and Willie and the boys…..

    • Terry

      LBJ would do a job on Rick Perry, too. Without breaking a sweat.

      • Poindexter718

        Ladybird would do a job on Perry!

        • Terry

          Ladybird Johnson was truly awesome. Her dedication to wild flowers made the interstates of this nation a pleasure in the spring time and her efforts helped to turn DC into a botanical showplace. All this and she ran a family business, raised her family, AND put up with a cantankerous husband. LBJ, whom I also like(d), was not a polished man but was a great politician and he never forgot his more than humble roots. Despite whatever faults and failings he might have had, his continuing to push for the Civil Rights Act after JFK's death earns him my admiration and gratitude.

          • cheetojeebus

            I had an aunt when i was a little one who's ranch was just outside Fredericksburg. Actually a pretty neat little town. Very insular tho, my aunt was seen as an outsider, so when she'd stand in line at the local grocery store etc, the nearby conversations would eerily shift to german.

          • zhubajie

            German with a Texas accent?

          • Barrelhse

            Fredricksburg, Argentina?

          • cheetojeebus

            "Texas German" A 'dialect' of German left over from early immigrants. back in the 60s-70s there was still a lot of people around speaking it. Now there's only a few left.

          • mog253

            My favorites LBJ quote, "Never pass up a restroom or a meal". Or something like that, had to do with campaigning in the wilds of TX.

          • Terry

            I learned the restroom lesson the hard way. I also learned that you don't drive away from one of the urban/suburban areas in Texas without a full tank of gas as some whole counties out there lack even a single station.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Ya know what trumps all that for sheer horror: THE DREADED DRY COUNTY. There are still plenty of them.

          • Terry

            I was in a car accident on I-95 in North Carolina about 20 yrs ago and was stuck in a hotel in a dry county for three days while my car was repaired. My nerves could have done with a drink after the accident, I swear.

          • zhubajie

            Sales of Listerine and Lavoris were high, I'll bet.

          • Barrelhse

            The local grocery stocks Vanilla Extract in 1qt. size.

  • freakishlywrong

    And really. Who gives a flying rats ass about her fucking "journey so far". Get thee back to Wasilla, hillbilly, and leave us alone.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, Fred's just up the road from me! There's a couple nice craft breweries there too. Maybe I'll make a day of it; drive up, get drunk, show my ass at the WalMart. I'll take suggestions for embarrassing shit to holler out from the crowd.

    • Fredericksburg sounds flammable.
      http://www.fbgtx.org/press/Stage%204%20Water%20Re

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Actually, it's the whole state right about now.

    • genxr

      The "crowd" will be you and 3 curious onlookers who wandered over from sporting goods.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Aks her if she "Loves" her vegatables. She'll probably think you're talking about Trig and lose it!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Come on, Balder, you don't have to say anything. Just stand there with a pup tent under one arm and a six pack of wine coolers in the other and give her your sexiest smile.

      • PristineODummy

        If he flashes those teeth at her, she won't stop running till she hits Wasilla.

    • user-of-owls

      "Where are the jobs?"

      • Beowoof

        well if she knew anything about giving the jobs she is qualified for, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant.

        • user-of-owls

          Oddly, I have a sudden urge for a smoke and an orange.

          • cheetojeebus

            So, no Schigar and a waffle?

    • Goonemeritus

      You need to walk up to her with a totally straight face and give her your theories on how the book is an elaborate allegory. I’m guessing they will taser you before you can explain what it’s an allegory of.

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        Or what an allegory is

      • ChessieNefercat

        "I’m guessing they will taser you before you can explain what it’s an allegory of."

        While Bristol squalls that the book is not all gory, there's no hunting stories at all.

    • Terry

      Take lots of pictures, please. Video would be better.

      • Barrelhse

        Bring the Blingee camera!

    • show my ass at the WalMart.

      Much better than actually saying anything–just moon the bitch.

    • MiniMencken

      My Dear Flagass, be a gentleman and bring Bristle a nice cupcake from Fredericksburg's favorite bakery, the Rather Sweet Café, owned by Dan Rather's niece. Then ask her about her opinion of Dan Rather. Should be illuminating.

      • jus_wonderin

        t

      • ChessieNefercat

        Be sure to take a picture of the stupefyingly blank expression on her face (Dan Rather? Is he from Wasilla? Did he steal my virginity too?).

    • Just offer her a wine cooler – very loudly

    • zhubajie

      Bare your ass at her? She might never go home to Alaska!

    • DaRooster

      "I fucked Levi… and he sucked. But you fucked him more than once? Even though he raped you?

    • Steve Earle told me to watch out for square headed cowboys named Otto in those parts.

  • mavenmaven

    more comments here than at the actual event…

    • ChessieNefercat

      We are infinitely more interesting.

    • tessiee

      More people, too.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ah, the stoning was in "The Lottery". Wrong reference to backward-ass Jebus Freaks.

    • riverside68

      seen one nasty new england puritan execution, you have seen them all.

  • Ducksworthy

    There are strange things done in the midnight sun
    By the men who moil for gold;
    The Arctic trails have their secret tales
    That would make your blood run cold;
    The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
    But the queerest they ever did see
    And it made me think my vision was failin'
    Was the sight of a pregnant virgin Palin.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Robert Service just threw up in his mouth.

      • Beowoof

        I think he would do that just knowing of the Snowbilly and her brood.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dangit, I've already got plans to see a show at Antone's in Austin that night.

  • Some poor bastard is just going to be heading in there for batteries or a stack of blank CD-Rs and will be blindsided:

    "What do you mean you're not here for my autograph?! Mom this guy is being mean to ME!!"

    "Griftertron, assemble!"

    • jus_wonderin

      Well, if he is holding batteries, Bristol does need some D Cells.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Let's see, Bristol's doing a book signing at a Wal-Mart in a small Texas Hill Country town in the ass-end of nowhere and approximately a zillion miles from Austin or San Antonio. Oh, this just screams "recipe for unbridled success."

    • jus_wonderin

      Well, I bet it still won't out sell "Best Roadkill Recipes of Central Texas".

    • Barrelhse

      Think those guys will show up the gold, frankincense, and myrrh?

  • SayItWithWookies

    This must be that massive haboob that's moving across the Southwest that I've been hearing so much about.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Bristol Palin: putting the "boob" in "haboob" since 1997.

    • Ducksworthy

      Thank Gawd global warming was just a liebrul hoax!

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        If only the Palins were, also.

    • Terry

      It certainly won't be a massive hubbub.

    • flamingpdog

      I think you're confusing that haboob with the Brisdull 'ho' boobs.

    • finallyhappy

      Haboob comes from an Arabic word- I guess BHO is responsible for the dust cloud

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Only copies of the book will be signed. What other kinds of items is Walmart afraid that Bristle will be asked to sign?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Twelve-packs of Trojans.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Bartles and James.

      • LesPaultard

        Boxes of disposable cock rings.

        Not making this up, they are on the shelves.

        • mog253

          At least they're disposable, I hate having to wash those things.

          • GeneralLerong

            You don't just toss 'em into the dishwasher?

    • fartknocker

      Boxes of OTC cold medicine formulated with psedophedrine. She needs more chemicals for her meth lab.

    • elviouslyqueer
    • SorosBot

      Pregnancy tests.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Slutty clothing items.

      • tessiee

        Coming to Wal-Mart for Summer 2011: The Bristle line of slutwear.

    • PristineODummy

      Wine coolers? Tents? Wine coolers IN tents?

    • tessiee

      "What other kinds of items is Walmart afraid that Bristle will be asked to sign?"

      Propane and propane accessories.

  • fartknocker

    She won't last 15 minutes. Between the Texas drought, our current heat and humidity, and the low turnout she'll experience, she'll have another get-the-fuck-out moment.

    Snark off, Fredricksburg is west of Johnson City, home of Lyndon Baines Johnson. Contrary to what a lot of people think, many wise older folks in that area have always been Democratic. The locals always tell you that it's Texas first, politics be damned. Bristol won't understand the concepts of worrying about the collective good for the community – in her defense, neither does the Texas legislature.

    • tessiee

      "She won't last 15 minutes. Between the Texas drought, our current heat and humidity, and the low turnout she'll experience, she'll have another get-the-fuck-out moment."

      Members of that family don't really fare well when they step outside of the bubble, do they?

  • Goonemeritus

    People shouldn’t take beach trash so literally when making reading decisions.

  • Gopherit

    I love how they call it The Fredricksburg WalMart like there are any other stores in an 11,000 person town. Why not just call it the feed trough.

    And unless Sarah is there, Bristol would be better off looking at the Real Estate. That's the kind of place she should live.

    • Barrelhse

      Live and let die, I always say.

  • pinkocommi

    Of course, Mama Grizzly started to read Bristol's book but quit halfway through.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Give Mama Grizzly some credit. Halfway is further than most anyone would "read" that "book."

      • PristineODummy

        I wish I could read the way cats do. They plonk their furry ass on whatever they want to read. I would love to sit on Bristle's book wiv no pants on and see how much information I osmose from it.

        • tessiee

          My cats had a different method of reading: They would wait till I was reading something, and then walk on my book while raising their butts to the maximum possible altitude (i.e., "caltitude" = the maximum altitude of a cat's butt, as opposed to "cattitude" = the proper feline attitude). Clearly they were somehow absorbing the printed text through their paws and the knowledge in my head through their butts.

          • PristineODummy

            I'm not sure I want that much exposure to stinky cat ass. Although judging from the way they get to slurping around those parts, stinky doesn't bother THEM in the least. Must be tasty, or sump'n.

  • user-of-owls

    Concerns about the literacy rate among the target demographic led the publisher to release the book in a sort of Braille created specifically for that audience. Instead of small protuberants on paper, this edition will feature patterns of Cheeto crumbs on thin sheets of reinforced bacon grease.

    For obvious reasons, there will be no Kindle edition.

  • Goonemeritus

    When will her and mom hit Scribner’s in Manhattan?

    • fuflans

      with glenn beck as mouthpiece i hope.

    • user-of-owls

      They don't do emo. Or personalized signatures. Got it?

    • tessiee

      The only way those two dimwits would have hit a bookstore in Manhattan would've been with that facockta bus.

  • Radiotherapy®

    A true media spectacle: the only thing more boring than a Fredericksburg, TX Walmart on a Friday evening is a BriStool Palin book.

  • Callyson

    I'll bet business at the nearest Target will be booming on that day…

  • When does America fire the Palins for boring everyone to death?

    Too soon – no way!
    ~

  • ChessieNefercat

    Imagine being the most embarrassed ISBN in the whole world.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The librarian in me just screamed with laughter.

  • Serolf_Divad

    This reminds me of the time Ivanna Trump visited Wasilla.

  • Ducksworthy

    I've figured it out. The Palins are like rodeo clowns distracting us while the GOP does to the US what they did to Tejas, Minnesota, NJ, etc. etc.

  • She's there to lend some moxie to her dad's old canard: Just cause you can't birth a fish picker in Texas doesn't mean you can't still be a bitch grifter there

    • L188188

      Strangely poetic… almost Escher-esque.

      • I was trying for a spoonerism… i.e switch around syllables & such ("pitch-a-fit hipster";birther-hissyfitter) and then my alliteration engine cold stopped, said *enough*, the girl ain't worth it

    • tessiee

      "I'm not a pheasant feather plucker or a feather plucker's son, but I can pluck a pheasant's feather till the feather plucker comes"
      — Rev. Billy C. Wirtz

  • ThundercatHo

    Fucking Walmart. Sounds like the perfect venue for a snowbilly spawn. Maybe she could pick up some contraceptives or a new baby-daddy whiles she's there. Don't forget some cakes we like.

    • DaRooster

      … and spegtti… bannas… and cedar cheese…

      (my all friggin' time fave)
      Revisit? http://wonkette.com/439962/1-real-america-grocery

      • Abs my fave too!

      • PristineODummy

        I kinda liked "musturd," myself. In theory, anyway.

    • widestanceroman

      Thumbs up for the cakes we like. Had forgotten that gem.

    • zhubajie

      Next kid's name: Walmart!

      • DaRooster

        Which is slightly better than Mall-Wart…

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Bristol's book continues to crash, does it mean we will have a shorter wait until she stars in Nailin' Palin II: The Next Generation

    That would probably get her the crowds she wants.

  • Pragmatist2

    The chapter on her deflowering will be used in Sex-Ed under the caption: Seduction for White Trash

  • fuflans

    bristol coverage makes me long for the kardashians.

    • ChessieNefercat

      That's because they're so tasteful and genteel in comparison.

      • tessiee

        I'm familiar with the K-assians only in passing, from glancing at magazines in the checkout line, but I will say that they're at least an attractive-looking bunch.

  • orygoon

    To revert to Texan: that just don't make no sense. Fredricksburg is a nice town in the hill country, with a little bit of class. If they had one of these in Tyler or Lufkin (east Texas) there would be a stampede. But Fredricksburg?

    Then and again, who wouldn't expect the snowbilly outfit to screw up.

    • __kth__

      I was thinking Waco: not far, and probably 50X as many wingnuts as Fredericksburg given Waco's greater size and concentration of righttards (actually that's probably the next stop on the 'tour', or the last one).

  • OneYieldRegular

    Aren't they worried about a plague? I mean, Phoenix was punished by a giant dust storm, and you don't EVEN want to know about Minnesota.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Check the news.

      ♪The state, the state, the state is on fire.
      We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn.♫

    • zhubajie

      This time of year, probably a plague of mosquitoes in MN.

    • PristineODummy

      Well, Minnesota has those two douchebags, Pawlenty and BatShitKrayZMann, to live down.

  • Beowoof

    There are terms that just don't go together, oxymorons if you will, Military Intelligence, Jumbo Shrimp, and now a new one joins, WalMart book signing.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Will the books be neatly stacked on shelves like fancy people do or will the hordes of eager customers just pluck them out of the $5 bargain bins?

    • tessiee

      I humbly request that the word "oxymoron" be used at least once in every thread regarding the Palins.

  • DaRooster

    "…when they can see the free teevee version…"

    You can't show drunken porn on teevee…

    • FNMA

      Maybe a sanitized Cinemax version?

  • user-of-owls

    Needs more Bunga-Bunga.

    • zhubajie

      Well, maybe later that night, at the Fredericksburg bar…

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    IT. NEVER. GODDAMN. ENDS.

  • Needz moar LSD & POT.

    (Lone Star draft & Pearl on tap)

    • PristineODummy

      Needz moar Brains. (Welsh ale. The locals think it's simply hilarious to barge into their pub and ask the landlord, "Got any Brains?")

  • owhatever

    Bristol : THE END means stop it already, fr Chrissakes.

  • teebob2000

    Hey, there are some primo girls volleyball… um… "action" shots on that Facebook page, so this story's not a total waste of time!

  • q_tion_evrythng

    Bless her li' ol' abstinence-free zone. Is Bristle wearin' a "Jeebus died for us" belt like the one her Grifter Ma wore to hold up her pants just the other day? Pictures, pleez!

    • Steverino247

      I heard ya the first time.

    • Barrelhse

      What?

    • tessiee

      The guy in "Memento"?

  • AlaskaGrrl

    The Palins and Walmart are a natural. Both appeal to the lowest common denominator and are know for cheap quality goods that's all flash and no substance.

    Pictures of the event will be posted on the People of Walmart website.

    • genxr

      I can see China from the housewares aisle!

      • tessiee

        If you go to the book signing, you'll be able to see Bristol's "china" from the housewares aisle.

  • widestanceroman

    I rully, rully wish I could go, just to see her face when I ask her to sign her frontispiece for me.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I can see her pulling her britches down now, and then asking if you'd like to see her backispiece also?

      • widestanceroman

        As Seen on TV!

    • Barrelhse

      Have her sign YOUR "frontispiece" if ya wanna really see a look.

    • PristineODummy

      She might just respond with a slap, yaknow. Or not. Depends on whether her griftermom is within earshot.

      • tessiee

        "She might just respond with a slap, yaknow."

        If he offers her a dime instead of a quarter.

  • this event sounds like an intense aphrodesiac, but for suicide instead of sex.

  • fuflans

    this is off topic., but i for one will totally miss the news of the world.

    now where am i going to get my sozzled british celeb news?

    • Goonemeritus

      Just another case of right wing vandalism. It’s like "chopping" a Vincent Black Shadow. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to buy things regardless of how much money they have.

    • Don't worry, it will be renamed and probably running by tomorrow.

  • "Hey, Bristol, can you deep throat a zucchini?"

  • Guppy06

    "Sex advice columnist Bristol Palin"

    Do as I say, not as I do.

  • L188188

    Maybe the Stonewall Peach Queen will show up too, maybe to sign fruits or something.

  • unclejeems

    And perhaps, after the signing, Bristol and her new fans can make the short trek here http://www.takemytrip.com/11texas/08n_21a.htm to Cross Mountain, pray for secession, and watch Rick Perry sink slowly into the sunset.

  • Papa_Uniform

    I heard the good patrons of Fredericksburg Walmart were looking forward to Sarah's new book. Their lips need exercising.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Their lips need exercising."

      Just like the rest of them.

    • Barrelhse

      Good therapy for those arthritic fingers, too.

    • tessiee

      "Their lips need exercising."

      In that case, they can all kiss my a–
      HEY HEY, KIDS!!

  • Mahousu

    The Fredericksburg Standard-Radio Post? I hate to break it to the fine people of Fredericksburg, but "radio" is not a kind of newspaper.

    Though I suppose it's possible the newspaper boys there toss radios into people's front lawns each morning.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Perhaps there, listening to the radio is considered the equivalent of that fancy book-reading with all the typey marks on pages.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Wal-Mart. Come for the Little Debbie™ snack cakes. Stay for the personally autographed book "My Journey As A Teen Slut, So Far" by authoress Bristol Palin.

  • sportshort

    Is Sarah coming? Cause I wanna see her tits. Up close.

    • DaRooster

      Just grab a bag of deer jerky and wait… it'll be her slogan,"Vote for me… see my tits?"

      • tessiee

        Meh *shrug* It's not like she's got any other positive qualities.

  • prommie

    Talk about a rough beast slouching towards Methlehem.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Hey kids. Like, y'know all that partyin' drinkin' and screwin' I did? Like, well, don't do that.

    I kan haz lotsa munies now, plz?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe she'll make a detour down the road and stop off in Luckenbach for a beer, and get back to the basics of love.

    Or swing by the Chester Nimitz Oriental Garden or the George HW Bush Museum of the Pacific War (which is actually pretty good).

    • tessiee

      "get back to the basics of love"

      It is mandatory to speak this in a Barry White voice.

  • I haven't been this excited about an event of this calibre since my morning crap. Although I think the morning movement may have been more exciting. And educational.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Because you had the opportunity to read something more edifying?

      • And infinitely more palatable.

        [edit: Er, still not awake — it's only a minute past noon. Yep, I read a bit of my latest SciAm, and once again gazed with desire at the sous vide thingie in the Williams Sonoma catalog. The wife no longer lets me buy all the cool gadgets, dammit! But back to the point — yes, the reading was more edifying, but just contemplating my own bowels has more excitement potential than a Palin even, I'd think]

  • yyyaz

    Hope at least one attendee brings a stack of Jim Thompson paperbacks to be signed. (Wouldn't want to sully the hardbacks.)

    • James Michael Curley

      What is that bike. I'm guessing pre 1972 Brit – '70 BSA?

      • yyyaz

        '53 Vincent Rapide

        • James Michael Curley

          Damn, totally missed (still can't see) the V-twin config. Nice bike. I had a chance to ride a Black Shadow ages ago. Could have bought it but the price was more than I made that summer. (1972)

          • yyyaz

            Appreciate your eye. The Vincent is a bucket-list item, although I still have a few Whitworth/British Standard wrenches from my Triumph-riding (fixing) days. I chose the Rapide for its cleaner looks than the BS. (Ever notice how often the initials "BS" occur when it comes to antique Limey bikes?!?)

          • James Michael Curley

            Just remember; It is better to light a single candle than to curse Lucas.

  • MinAgain

    I don't know who designed that book cover, but he/she charged entirely too much for it.

  • thefrontpage

    From Chapter 16 of Bristol Palin's book:

    "Lost Vegas can be so much fun! The Bellargios comped me a sweet on the 13th floor and I also got comped with pazzes to this VPI section at this fancy club, Snowblow, on the roof, so I spent all nyght partyying with Dennis Rodman, R. Kelly, Lindsay Lohan, this guy Mark Foley this other guy Larry Craig, this girl Marilyn Manson, and Keshia, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson!! Gibson was a boring guy, though. All he wanted to talk about was Jewish people! And Sheen fell asleep on the bar!! And everyone was eating confectioner sugar all night long! I woke up in my sweet with Rodman and Kelly, and wow, what a night! Los Veegas is so much fun! I didn't gamble at the slots or tables–I don't know how to play those games! We all had breakfast at Denny's. I was so hungry, I ordered three Grand Slams!"

  • spinozasgod

    her book is now the official 5th grade history book in the Texas public(read: for profit)school system. they can't afford the "real" history books(the ones without Jefferson)so they bought the whole printing of minnie me's book on the cheap to fill-in until the poors agree to pay in gold for the "real" ones…..

  • Redhead

    Will they also have lawyers on hand to explain the libel suit that follows when you accuse someone of a rape that never happened in a "memoir" you tout as being true – and will they explain that "I didn't read it I just assumed my ghostwriter got it right" is not a defense and "knew or reasonably should have known" still applies?

    I know I know, the word "libel" would go over the Texans' heads… and "lawyers" and "accuse" and "rape" and "memoir" and "assumed" and "reasonably"…

    • genxr

      Palins don't understand that word "libel" when it doesn't have "blood" in front of it.

    • tessiee

      #not intended to be a factual accusation

  • rocktonsam

    the black and white cover makes BPalin look less fat and Trig more like Trunk or whatever..

  • ttommyunger

    If I were a younger, drunker man, I would show up, buy her fucking book, get in line (assuming there were enough yokels there to need a line) step in front of her, lay my dick on the table and ask her to sign it.

    • zhubajie

      Sounds like a good idea!

      • ttommyunger

        I think it's a great idea. I'd be curious who would get to it first, Bristle or Big Mama Grizzly. Them Palin girls loves 'em some dick, ya know.

        • DaRooster

          I'll do it if she comes to Tahoe in the next 2 weeks.

          I know I know… too high brow.

          • ttommyunger

            I can navigate in all waters. Tahoe is cool!

    • Barrelhse

      If your age is the only thing holding you back, ttommy, just have a Pepsi, think young, and go for it.

      • ttommyunger

        I don't need a beverage to think young, my mind is not the problem. You'll find out; if you're lucky.

        • Barrelhse

          Oh, I know all about it. I'm 62, lung cancer, 3 stents in my heart, and Hep C, but I still don't give a fuck.

          • ttommyunger

            Hang in there. Nobody promised easy or fair. I'll see you on the other side, sooner or later.

          • tessiee

            I will save a seat for you at my table in Heck.
            Or, you know, if I outlive you, vice-versa.
            It's all good.

          • ttommyunger

            Yes, yes it is.

    • PristineODummy

      Do it, dood! For all of us! PLEEZ! (with pictures.)

      • ttommyunger

        I like the way you think!

    • flamingpdog

      Pfft, get behind the table with her, lay your dick on the table, and watch her line shift over to your side of the table to sign your dick.

      • ttommyunger

        If it were a chilly day, initials might have to make do. I have “T I N Y” tattooed on it. When I get excited, it spells out “Ticonderoga and New York Rail Road”, Hee, hee. ( I lie, you know). It is either very large or very small, depending on the circumstances and the company I a keep. I imagine if I were to attend an event at the Appollo Theater, it would fall into the latter group.

    • tessiee

      "If I were a younger, drunker man, I would … lay my dick on the table and ask her to sign it. "

      If you were a younger, drunker man, she'd do it.
      In fact, she might do it anyway.

      • ttommyunger

        With relish, prolly; or plain.

  • tessiee

    "Who will get to play Bristol?"

    Britney Spears?
    She can't really act — but then, she wouldn't have to.

  • FlyOverGirl

    Wow. Even the Walmartians don't wish to meet Clan Palin. What is the world coming to?

  • Jerri

    They really went all out with those fancy-ass flyers didn't they?

    Shit like this makes me not regret getting out of the booksellin' business.

    • tribbzthesquidz

      "Do y'all have that new Sarah Palin book? Also, I am looking for a copy of Saw IV for my 6 year old."
      I also do not regret leaving the retail media industry.

  • Of course House Palin is waddling towards Tejas. Ricky Perry is getting some publicity, it's time to suck some air out of his balloon.

    • flamingpdog

      "some air out of his balloon"? Is that what the kidz are calling it now?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Think of all the money she could pocket and count as earnings for her 'book' if she were to pull a Palin and quit on all these embarrassingly low turn-out events.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Marcella Eckhardt I would like to talk to Sarah!!
    June 24 at 11:57pm.Travis Willmann Yay! Grifter snowbillies in the Hill Country.
    20 hours ago.Will Sarkfeld Travis: Why do you hate our Troops?
    19 hours ago.Danny Brody Also
    17 hours ago.Allen Crider Stay classy, Bristol! LOL
    16 hours ago · 1 personLoading….Eileen Loh aka "How To Become A Drunk Pregnant Teenager"
    14 hours ago.TucsonScene James What a great business-stimulus generator for Fredericksburg-area prenatal caregivers, what with the pregnant teen explosion that Bristol leaves in her wake.

  • tessiee

    There's a "gentleman's club" in Tonya Harding's neighborhood called "Jiggles" (I swear to god I am NOT making this up!). I could ask Tonya if they're hiring.

  • bearme50

    LOL you guys are to funny ,Just glad you fools think the way you do cause we getting pretty damn tired of all you wanna be Texans that are coming here to get away from what you created in your states , For example California ,Chicago ,Wisconsin ,New York ,Illinois , and i could go on. Texas Only state i ever lived in that i didnt HAVE to leave to find work ,So go a head think what you will and we be just fine here in Texas reading your fine print from afar :)

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