good riddance

CNN Fires Eliot Spitzer For Boring Everyone To Death

will have to get his rocks off elsewhere, ew.Eliot Spitzer is unemployed again, because ratings on his terrible CNN solo talk show “In the Arena” have repeatedly indicated that America is not interested in watching Spitzer sex himself on teevee. What about if Eliot Spitzer pays America to watch? Would she do it then? No, gross, just please go away. We have never seen this awful program, mostly because we are creeped out by Eliot Spitzer and find his opinions inspid. Oh well, he still has that mind-numbing Slate column for torturing people who like that kind of thing. Replacing Spitzer in the 8 p.m. time slot will be Anderson Cooper with his furry fetish program, which apparently does it for America enough that it will also begin running twice a night.

From the NYT:

CNN on Wednesday canceled Eliot Spitzer’s 8 p.m. political talk show, “In the Arena,” after only nine months amid a broader shake-up that shifts Anderson Cooper’s 10 p.m. nightly newscast into Mr. Spitzer’s time slot.

The changes are intended to stabilize the sagging television ratings for CNN, which have been a source of frustration for the channel’s parent company, Time Warner. “We think it creates better flow from show to show, and we think that will improve the overall performance across the evening,” Ken Jautz, who was put in charge of CNN/U.S. last fall, said in an interview.

Hear that, America? CNN will win you back with its “improved performance.” Haha, we caught that, CNN just called Eliot Spitzer impotent. [NYT]

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      1. Callyson

        Though, judging by the size of that "vegetable" she has in her hands, Spitzer might not be enough to satisfy her…

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm guessing that over the long haul, being the powerful governor of a large and important state probably makes you more interesting and credible than being famous for getting caught frolicking with 3-diamond whores.

      The latter is less work, however.

  1. horsedreamer_1

    You know when I'm down to my socks, it's time for business
    That's why they call 'em business socks

    1. Callyson

      I feel your pain…we were better off when the crooks (Adelphia) ran the cable system…

    1. BarryOPotter

      Anderson Cooper ProTip #45: "Elliot, let your hair grow out and the grey shine through. Luxuriousness, man, that's what the people want…"

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Also, moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! And maybe get a little Botox, to keep your punum from looking like a shriveled turtle penis.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Thanks. I just imagined Eliot Spitzer in a tight black t-shirt, and threw up a little in my mouth.

    4. Lascauxcaveman

      Start hanging out with Quentin Tarantino. Maybe people will think your his brother, and therefore, somehow, cool.

    5. Nothingisamiss

      Pics, plz. (Unless this is Anthony Weiner, in which case I've seen them, thanks.)

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Strangely, the U.S. Senator from Louisiana will be doing the show from Puyallup, Washington.

  2. EatsBabyDingos

    I'll miss Eliot on TV, and now I have to go get my Ambien prescription refilled.

    He shoulda said "Courage!" after the broadcasts. That worked for whasshisname. Kenneth Frequency or something.

  3. Goonemeritus

    Eliot needs to borrow some of Anderson’s tighter tee shirts to give him that gravitas that CNN watchers have come to expect.

  4. Lucidamente1

    Haha, Kristen, you missed the NYT's impotence joke: "sagging television ratings for CNN, which have been a source of frustration . . . "

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    He'd probably have gotten a lot better ratings if he had opened (or closed) the show with nude videos of all the hookers he's fucked. By themselves, not with him, of course.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Watching news shows is just wasting time. Unless it's a) the BBC or b) a show like you describe.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      I first read that as 'caning' Nancy Grace. Now talk about a ratings boost! Who wouldn't watch NG getting flogged for an hour?

      1. Beowoof

        Oh for every wrong conviction she handed out on the air, she could get one whack and be beaten for days. Now that would be must see TV.

      1. Rotundo_

        Both, Soon, Nancy is shit mucus wrapped in skin, a soulless harpy from hell. On a lower level of existence than Palin fer chrissakes. There are few people that can get that sort of visceral immediate revulsion and urge to out of me, Nancy is one.

    2. Negropolis

      Just seeing that woman's name in print raises my blood pressure. Can we haz a Nancy Grace caning?

      Nancy Graceless, indeed.

  6. Allmighty_Manos

    The thing is if he was running for Senate, I'd vote for him in a second. Dude might love hookers, but he hates Wall Street.

    1. Beowoof

      Isn't that the truth, and Wall Street hates him, ever wonder how his propensity to have hookers blow him, wound up on the national news, I am pretty sure there were some folks on Wall Street involved.

    2. Negropolis

      I'd vote for him if he was running for just about anything, really. I couldn't get into his show (I'm an MSNBC guy), but I like who he made mad.

  7. KeepFnThatChicken

    I'm sorry, what did you say? I was too busy listening to Keith Olbermann on a different channel.

  8. hagajim

    I figure now that Eliot has failed at the teevee, he can run for some political office and get elected, because whores are cool.

  9. smitallica

    Anderson Cooper is to CNN what "fetch" was to "Mean Girls."

    CNN, stop trying to make "Anderson Cooper" happen. It's not going to happen.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    His show was called In the Arena? What the hell'd he do, get a team of experts together and demand they come up with a name more insipid than Parker-Spitzer? This is what happens when you let a guy named Eliot pick the title of his show.

  11. hagajim

    I know this is OT, but if that ad of Kortney is that Kardashian chick, shouldn't the vegetable be attached to Lamar Odom?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I don't think it is – that was my first thought, too. I can't figure out why "loves" is in quotes like that. I get the sexual innuendo due to the picture – do they think that "loves" will help me understand that I am supposed to imagine Kortney shoving that thing up her ladyhole?

  12. arihaya

    well, i hate to prefer Republican but, even Michael Steele is more interesting than him as a pundit

  13. x111e7thst

    Maybe if Eliot had closed each show with a brief discussion of the hooker he most recently banged?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yes, a thoughtful review of the lady's technique and professionalism. A critique, if you will.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Meh. CNN. Erik the ass and that teabaggin' Dana person are still on, right? And Candy Crowley is cringeworthy and embarrassingly ill informed. The whole network should die.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      Yep, I quit watching CNN when Erick son of Erick got a contract. Douche-factor way too high for even cutie Anderson Cooper to offset.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          And Silver Fox Anderson Cooper.

          I volunteer to rescue him! He'll be safe in my boudoir. Chained to the bed.

        2. V572 [SSAN]

          He's so knowledgeable and sane they had to exile him to Sunday morning where they were sure nobody'd ever watch him. Plus Fareed does have a bit of teh crazee eyes.

  15. Arken

    My impression from seeing CNN on TVs in airports all day yesterday was that they don't have anything left to talk about now that the Casey Anthony trial is over anyway. At one point, and I wish I was joking, they reported on what celebrities on twitter were saying about the outcome of the trial.

    1. johnnymeatworth

      Hey, since she's getting out on Wednesday she'll need a job. Maybe she and Nancy Grace can co-host a reboot of Crossfire….

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "At one point, and I wish I was joking, they reported on what celebrities on twitter were saying about the outcome of the trial."

      That has got to be one of the most irritating trends in news today. Yes, of course I tuned in to see what some bozo with a twitter machine has to say about the happenings of the day.

      Goodness knows I wouldn't want to hear from intelligent, educated, responsible journalists who have performed thorough research using all the resources available, to synthesize and present an objective, informative, and complete exposition of current events and how they affect not only us, but the global community.

      Imagine Walter Cronkite sitting back, picking his teeth, while some dingaling with 20K in credit card debt yammers on about the debt ceiling and how the gummint needs to live within its means just like us. Thank you, Cletus, now I know so much more.

      1. BlueMonkeh

        It's what all the local news has turned into. Segments on "what we saw on the web", "what do YOU think?" – all crap. They've outsourced their content to duhmerkuh since they no longer hire journalists (only spokesmodels). CNN hit the harbinger of doom when they started touting their iReporting (or whatever the hell it's called).

        I get more salient political news from the weather channel.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          It's the news version of reality programs. Don't do anything; let the viewers call in whatever they think is news.

  16. orygoon

    CNN lost me when they fired Aaron Brown, "Mr. Rogers for grown-ups". If the news was bad, and it always was, I wanted it from him. He made me feel special.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      When he was at KING in Seattle, he did the 11:00 news with Tony Ventrella on sports, another guy on weather. The three of them were the smartest and snarkiest news team I have ever seen. They got broken up, of course, and became the boring boy-girl anchor thing.

      As a matter of fact, the 6:00AM show featured a serious news guy and a very funny weather man. When there was something unusual in green Lake, the weather guy did the weather standing in a canoe in full safari gear while he maintained the "gator watch." They, too, got replaced by a "serious" news show. Like when I'm dragging my sleep-deprived body into the shower and then facing down my kid who hated getting up in the morning since before she was born, what I really don't want is anyone amusing and silly.

      I hated KING news ever after.

  17. DerrickWildcat

    News should be entertaining. I Think Gordon Ramsey should do this show. He could fit it in between Master Chef, Hell"s Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, Best Chef in the World, Now That's Some Fucking Cooking! Tastes Like Shit, Dog's Bollocks, and You Gotta be Fuckin' Kiddin' Me!

    1. prommie

      I hear he has a new show coming out soon, its going to be called "British dude yells at people."

    2. DustBowlBlues

      I went to your pictures, I like to take pictures of birds and shit. But didn't have an account so couldn't identify myself as your friend from the wonket.

      Cool pictures of birds and shit, btw.

  18. SorosBot

    CNN's ratings are sagging? Quick, we need a new pretty white woman to go missing or be a murder suspect for them to obsess over now that the last one's done with, ASAP!

    1. V572 [SSAN]

      You'd think they'd just commission the work and be done with it. Got to cost less than Anderson Cooper's hair products.

      1. SorosBot

        Hell, maybe we can help them. Are there any pretty young white ladies here who can pretend to go missing for a week or so?

        It would especially be fun to see the lady the media assumes is dead, just stopping short at accusing her boyfriend or husband of murder, turn up alive and (unlike the runaway bride lady they were obsessed with for a while) tell them "You know, my disappearance was not actually national news; I did this to start a media frenzy and prove what dumb fucks you so-called journalists are."

        1. BlueMonkeh

          Grrrrr.. this kind of crap just makes me crazy. It's human misery porn and nothing else when a local murder case gets spun up into a national tragedy. If you don't live there and/or don't personally know anyone directly involved, it should be an object of anything but perverse fascination.

          Had to bat away all the serious misery porn addicts in my place of employment while trying to just nuke my damn lean cuisine the other day. I do not fucking care.

          1. SorosBot

            I somehow managed to miss this one until my office kept chatting about the verdict yesterday, and needed to put on my headphones and some music to drown out all the bullshit about this case that absolutely nothing to do with any of us. It just makes me want to slap Nancy Grace, America's biggest pusher of misery and second-worse lawyer (after Orly Taitz).

          2. V572 [SSAN]

            The one good part of this was when the girl's lawyer just reamed out every talking lawyer-head on teevee for second-guessing or prognosticating about the trial process. Can't find the video but he also gave everybody the finger. Quite humorous.

  19. Mumbletypeg

    Well my 2¢ for CNN would be hiring Jimmy "Rent's 2 Damn High" McMillan is the answer if Why are we so damn boring was the question. It's just too damned obvious a solution for it not to make too damned much sense even to a goddamn clueless CNN exec.

  20. Chet Kincaid

    Spitzer's second-incarnation show was pretty good. Substantive guests, substantive discussions. On the occasions when his own ethical difficulties came up in relation to fresh scandals, he did not duck or dissemble. Frankly, I spent a lot more time watching Spitzer than Lawrence O'Donnell, who is just as much of a special-comment-drama-queen as Olbermann, just quieter about it.

    And for the record, I think paying an honest dollar to a prostitute is a more honorable scandal than tweeting dick-pics to random strangers.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Many whore diamonds for you, Spitzer called out Wall Street a number of times. But it seems like he's the only one who's ever engaged in an honest transaction with a prostitute, so off with his head!

    2. BlueMonkeh

      Thank you.

      Elliot's only problem is that he's got a face made for radio. And actually did his jerb. We'll have none of that here in duhmerka.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      But weren't some of those honest dollars arguably the property of the state of New York? I thought that's what the big deal was.

      But yeah, just cold bangin' some professional 3-diamond whores is a lot more manly that some idiotic, creepy-flirty internet pix thing.

      1. BlueMonkeh

        I think the big deal was that he went after prostitution rings. Don't think there was ever an issue with him stealing money from the state to feed his whore habit. I'd think he would have been prosecuted if there was.

      2. ShaveTheWhales

        I don't think that's the case. For me, the unfortunate issue was that Spitzer actively went after prostitution-related enterprises, and sometimes clients thereof, at the same time that he was patronizing such enterprises.

        He's a smart guy, but that was terribly hypocritical.

    4. Limeylizzie

      So, help me, I kind of liked Eliot as AG, Guv. and on the TeeVee and that doc. they did was great, he seems smart, nasty and fun like me!

      1. ProudLibunatic

        He was a great talent, very smart, and ruthlessly went after the big boys. Too bad he made it so easy for them to get him.
        I wish he had stayed, and told those calling for his resignation to fuck themselves.

        1. SorosBot

          That's what both Spitzer and Weiner have taught us: if you want to defend the people against the corporate overlords in America, you had better be squeaky clean; break any law, or even do something totally legal that people find icky, and they will find out and use it to ruin you.

    5. Beowoof

      Smart, substantive discussions, most Ameridumbs don't want that, they want the yelling and screaming that BillO brings them over on Fox.

  21. Oblios_Cap

    Do the tapes that News Corp got off his answering machine have anything to d owith Eliot's firing? What does the News of the World have to say about all this?

    1. SorosBot

      Now, here in America we're not supposed to mention the News of the World scandal or do anything that might be seen as besmirching the good name Rupert Murdoch just because of some little thing like rampant criminal phone hacking of both celebrities and crime victims.

      So what if his organization made the family or a murdered 13-year-old falsely believe their missing daughter must still be alive? That's no reason for the rest of the media to say mean things about their colleagues at News Corp and mention this little incident that happened all the way over in the UK anyway.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Vanity Fair is sometimes good for things (besides Christopher Hitchens & Graydon Carter drink recipes). Saw a massive write-up on the phone-jamming scandal in VF a few months ago.

    2. BlueMonkeh

      considering they're pretty much shutting down, probably not much. and that is good.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Right up until the shocking appearance — probably Monday — of the Gnus of the Whirled or whatever. But it'll be a completely different organization, absolved of the horrible scandal that tainted that other, unrelated rag.

    3. Beowoof

      I think their busy packing up their offices , so they have little to say except, does this mean CNN is hiring?

  22. ThundercatHo

    "In the Arena"? Booorrrriiinnggg. I have a better name for his new show, "Spitzer Swallows?"

  23. prommie

    Anyone out there up for a little role-playing? My fantasy is to play "hooker and john," but I'd be wearing those see-through mobster dress socks, with the little sock-suspenders around my calves. Your job would be to pretend to be badly pretending to enjoy it, while also being visibly bored; look at your watch a lot. Who's interested?

  24. prommie

    OT and all, but I just gotta say, Kortney looks amusing, but nothing could ever beat the original, one and only Kielbasa Queen.

  25. Andrew Drinker

    Reasons I watch MSNBC: Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O'Donnell, Martin Bashir

    Reasons I watch CNN: Jessica Yellin *fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*

    1. horsedreamer_1

      You don't fap to Maddow-O'Donnell-Bashir slash? Larry's the Lucky Pierre in my version.

      Chris Hayes has to watch, but not touch.

    2. Negropolis

      I don't know. Jessica Yellin and Dana Bash remind me of little trolls, and the former is really kind of annoying and doesn't really know her shit. Now, Gloria Borger knows her shit; well, at least better than the other two.

  26. user-of-owls

    Should be easy to find a replacement creep, since Murdoch just ban-hammered News of the World. There's a great big fetid pool of unemployed skeeves just waiting to be drained!

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "There's a great big fetid pool of unemployed skeeves just waiting to be drained!"

      I'd rather the pool be drained and then let them get all dry and shrivelly in the sun.

      1. user-of-owls

        But of course, old thing.

        *opens door with a short bow*

        Oh, and let me know if I may have the honor of throwing my coat across a puddle lest your dainty feet get wet, will you?

        1. Limeylizzie

          I read that, at first, as a short bow as opposed to a longbow and I thought you had violence on your mind, rather than chivalry.

  27. tymberwolf817

    I interned for the NYS AG's office when he was still AG. It was really exciting; the dim midst of the Bush years and he seemed like a shining beacon of up-and-coming hope. It was rather devastating when the scandal broke.

  28. cheetojeebus

    —————-can't —- type—gdddggggeitz.——- flashing fucking ad……mmmphtzz

  29. freakishlywrong

    Judging by the downfisting going on, Elliot is assigning negative whore diamonds…

    1. BlueMonkeh

      Fisty is going crazeeeee over this. Who knew he/she/it cared so much about the Spitzer? Maybe Fisty is really a closet librul?

    2. SorosBot

      At least it seems Spanky2 has finally been banhammered again, so we just have to put up with his fisting instead of his relentless repetition.

    3. natoslug

      Fisty is also on the previous thread, showing support for incest and kiddie rape. Fisty seems to have some issues in this world.

  30. DemonicRage

    Wonkette readers exercise their unfortunate proclivity to kick someone when they're down. Surely there must be a better photo to use rather than this one, which looks like someone who wears dental plates who has his plates out.

  31. Weenus299

    All is not lost, Spitzerians! He could line him up a job as Sex&Politics Columnist at the News of the World …

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Wow, are the Tessicans doing the execution festival style, with lawn seating and picnic baskets?

      "President Obama, the State Department and Mexico have all asked Texas for a last-minute reprieve of Humberto Leal, 38, who was convicted in 1995 in the brutal rape and murder of a teenage girl. Citing the U.N.-enforced 1963 Vienna Treaty, the officials believe Leal could have altered his penalty had he been given the chance."

      Thank you Jesus!!! Ailes and Rove are personally supervising the anti-Obama 2012 TV ads featuring this case. And by supervising, I mean masturbating furiously while the poor editor tries to concentrate on Final Cut Pro.

      Nice close:

      "So as it stands, the death warrant could be served any time after 6 p.m. Thursday. He will be allowed to address the media, meet family and friends and eat his last meal: fried chicken, pico de Gallo and guisada tacos."

  32. DashboardBuddha

    So…he gets fired from his tv gig for boring the viewers and he lost his governor job for Boring a prostitute.

    I see a trend here.

  33. sati_demise

    damn it. I like Elliot. wish they would fire wolfie instead.
    But I tweeted AlGore…..hire this man for gods sake.
    Now there is no reason to watch CNN except to see when Anderson Cooper is finally going to come out of the closet

  34. DustBowlBlues

    Well, shit. I'm away from "my" wonkette for a mere 48 hours and another Wonkette Jr. comes out of the closet and brings the wonket so much trailer park cred that Walmart is now an advertiser. Who is this Blair person? Does Walmart intend to destroy the only group of liberals with a sense of humor in the webtubes by blinking us to death with that neon ad? Or are we getting a subliminal message from the Evil Empire? "Vote–blink-blink-blink-Republitard-blink-blink-blink . . .

    1. SorosBot

      If only they took the rest of Murdoch's "news" empire with them. Or the American mainstream media would talk about it.

      1. Limeylizzie

        When I was a kid that paper was all about sex and pretty much nothing else so we used to call it The News of the Screws.

    2. Negropolis

      I consider myself pretty aware of the world, but I'd never heard of News of the World until a few days ago.

  35. crybabyboehner

    But, that young girl thought he was brilliant, interesting, hilarious … what gives?

  36. ttommyunger

    Should have been fired for being butt-ugly. I know, I'm ugly, but that motherfucker is absolutely disfigured.

  37. Negropolis

    CNN has never been able to make much work after 8, or much anything at all, really.

    CNN wants so badly to be the adult in the room. Instead of being the cool dad who lets all the kids come over to drink at his house, though, CNN's become the painfully uninteresting uncle who works at a bank.

  38. MozakiBlocks

    Whilst traveling recently, I caughta few minutes of what I assume was the BBC version of a political roundtable. Each participant spoke in a regular tone of voice and waited for the other person to finish.

    My flabber was gasted…

  39. Andrew Drinker

    They leave the fun bickering and name-calling for the floor of the House of Commons!

    It's the only interesting thing C-SPAN ever airs!

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