Newt Gingrich Is President of Internet Chat Rooms

Just call him Mr. Internet.And now it is time to check in with marshmallow human Newt Gingrich for the latest in high tech interactive multimedia. Oh hey look, Newt has discovered hip new social networking thing Google “plus,” which is just Facebook without Farmville or Sarah Palin and all her turd followers on it, which means it is still cool. So…yeah, Newt will get in on that, sure. It’s free, you said, right?

He especially seems to like the feature called “Hangouts,” which is a chat room that allows up to 10 people at a time. THAT’S A LOT OF PEOPLE, NEWT, but hey, dream big. Here he is, already doing crowd control on his second post: “My team and I are considering how to best use Hangouts. We believe that because they are limited to 10 people, that the topics should be very narrow so as to attract people to care specifically about those issues.” Newt Gingrich is your next president, 9 people at a time.

What kinds of topics are on Newt’s first list of things people might like to discuss? “Privatizing NASA; NIH reform; Repealing Dodd-Frank; Repealing Sarbanes-Oxley; Federal Reserve Monetary Policy, Creating Personal Social Security Accounts; Judicial Activism; Increased Funding for Brain Science.” Perennial topic “unemployment” did not make this cut, sorry. And so guess which issue won out?

From Newt’s followup post: “Thanks for all the positive comments and topic ideas for Hangouts. Many people want to discuss US space policy, so we’ll schedule that soon.” Hooray, Newt is also president of space. [Google+]

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  1. Goonemeritus

    “His Team”

    I think it’s sweet when people stay in contact with their imaginary friends in latter life.

    1. Reagan Still Dead

      What, I've got a whole staff helping me write my comments for Wonkie. Including all the bad spelling/grammar and lame jokes. Excuse me someone has just informed me that I need to use the lavatory now, BRB.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      I read this as "latte life" and it sounded a bit upperclass for Newt, so I tried again.

      My team of people will get back with a critically funny remark soon.

    3. tessiee

      "I think it’s sweet when people stay in contact with their imaginary friends in latter life."

      All of Newt's friends are imaginary.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Perhaps a team of brave Wonketeers should infest Hangouts. That would be interesting.

    1. Terry

      In the spirit of Howard Stern and Ba-babooie, should we keep repeating "Trucknutz" to disrupt things?

          1. LetUsBray

            Or, um, what's a catchier way of saying "Serving your wife with divorce papers when she's in the hospital with cancer"?

      1. finallyhappy

        Totally, off topic to terry- Harambe is the flavor of ice cream created for the Obama election(I was over at Tropical Ice Cream recently and saw it)

        1. Terry

          Oh, yes! I love that place. I've tried the Harambe, but have to say I prefer their Guinness ice cream or the Soursop.

          I took my nieces in there shortly after the election. My youngest niece had a long conversation with the owner about how awesome it is it "root for Obama". :)

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Oh, not me. I'm an idea guy. Anyway, googleplus is blocked by the Department of the Air Force, for some reason. Plus, there might be cooties.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Damn, and I would have got away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids.

          2. tessiee

            "An idea guy who doesn't do the actual work…is this really Newt?"

            No, Newt has an idea guy who gets the ideas for him, and also several peons who do the actual work for him. This frees up Newt so that he can spend ALL his time being a fat turd and/or cheating on his wife du jour.

        1. finallyhappy

          I won't say where I worked but after we had a computer issue(sex related) at my agency- they started some computer security package that blocked things like BWI airport. Everytime you came up with a stupid block like that you had to inform our brilliant IT team.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            "Yo, Dave, I can't access 'Sugar Daddy 4 Me dot com' on my desktop. It's for research on the Gingrich campaign. Can ya get on that?"

          2. horsedreamer_1

            That's worse than Ethostream at the Majestic Theatre in lovely, Republican Waukesha County blocking Our Wonkette (for having objectionable content).

            Also blocked: El Pais, the leading newspaper of Spain. Must be all the foreign-talking.

          3. V572 [SSAN]

            What material on Wonkette could possibly offend anyone in Wisconsin?

            Oh yeah, now I remember.

          4. PristineODummy

            This is why it pays to be REAL nice to IT — they believed me when I said I needed total net access to check on stuff regarding our installation process. Of course, when it actually came to keeping porn-hijacking sites off our training center computers, they did a total FAIL, and my very gay boss and I (who were sharing a computer for a client training onsite) were exposed to lots and lots of pussy shots until we shut down, but hey.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        That Moses guy was no great shakes either. Have you read Numbers? Makes James Michener look like freakin' Tom Clancy.

    2. PristineODummy

      I was Invited, but they're already full up. And I was SO ready to play kickball with Newters.

  3. HobbesEvilTwin

    No wonder he wants to chat about space; Newt's already beat us all to the privatization of gravitational fields.

  4. Sue4466

    Forget Newt, WTF is with the video ads that just start running when the page loads? It's hard to get the snark on with some ad for hard water stains screaming at me.

    And now it says "replay," like I'd want to go through that shit again.

      1. weejee

        There with Sue & Psyc on this. Loose the autostart audio ads dear Wonkette or I'll have to mark this site to block all ads, and share with the group how to do that. FWIW, I do find some of your ads interesting so I have not yet enforced the commercial banhammer on yer site.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I generally dislike the blocking that gets done by the Air Force firewalls, but one that I do like is that (on those websites that I can get to) all ads are automatically blocked. Websites look completely different here at work than they do at home…

        2. gurukalehuru

          I like the one with Kortney fellating the cucumber. Also, just to be a dick, I think you meant lose and not loose. I think.

          Also, WTF Day of the Locus??

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Yes, after you irritate the daylights out of me with autoplay, of course I'll give you money by buying whatever you're selling!

      And how about the autoplay ads that you can't even close? People that respond to those ads (and there must be many of them) are undoubtedly the same droolers that believe that all Nigerian males are wealthy princes eager to give away hay bales of money to total strangers.

      1. tessiee

        OT: Are you Chessie like the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland, or Chessie like the cat in the old-timey ads for Chesapeake Railroad, or is it somehow that you're both?

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Chessie for the railway (also name for the family cats as I was growing up) due to father's employment by one of the railroads that ended up merged with the Chessie System at some point. Also I like the Cheshire cat. :)

          1. tessiee

            You might enjoy a book called, "The Cat Made Me Buy It!" by Alice Muncaster and Ellen Yanow. It's a collection of cats in book and magazine illustrations, sheet music (very popular in the pre-radio era), advertising art, etc. and includes a brief section about Chessie, her origin, the Chesapeake & Ohio Railway, and the Chessie System. There's also a book called "Rising from the Rails" which is a history of Pullman cars and Pullman porters that's worth a look.

      2. Sue4466

        I was complaining about a different annoying ad to a friend and she said "but you remember the product, don't you?"

        Yes, yes I do. So well that it's name provokes the same irritation as it's advert meaning I'm unlikely to purchase it. Ever.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Exactly. And there are wonderful, witty ads for who knows what the product is.

          Two elements, dear ad execs. We have to not be annoyed by the ad AND we should remember the product. It's not either/or.

    2. deanbooth

      Might I recommend to Wonkette a Donate button. K-Lo does it, so there's precedent.

      I would gladly donate a dollar every time my pee goes up. (Will Wonkette send me a dollar when it goes down, as it has been, without explanation?)

  5. freakishlywrong

    I'd like to see multiple marriages, plasticine blow up dolls, and goiters as heads for issues. But I probably won't. Not from this assclown anyway.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      But I'll bet he will at least pause, tip his head to one side, and briefly consider the plasticine blow-up dolls…

      1. riverside68

        hummm, blown plastine dolls . . .

        Blown-up plastine dolls . . .

        I'm getting close to something here . . .

    2. Urban_Achiever

      Have you considered forming a "goiters-as-heads" SuperPAC? You could tour the country in your own bus!!

      1. freakishlywrong

        No bus left behind! I can paint the constitushion on it and raise monies for my vacations!

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Discuss "Privatizing NASA; NIH reform; Repealing Dodd-Frank; Repealing Sarbanes-Oxley; Federal Reserve Monetary Policy, Creating Personal Social Security Accounts; Judicial Activism; Increased Funding for Brain Science"

    Sounds exciting. Where's the clicky thing to sign up?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Let's prioritize the "Increased Funding for Brain Science", Newtie. Then maybe you and your "team" will come to your senses regarding the other items.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Do they understand that in order to privatize nasa, there has to be a viable commercial market to do what nasa does. That could be a big ass problem when it comes to r&d, since nasa is the big fucking buyer. Who do these asshats expect to buy zero grav experiments that have no readily apparent commercial value, but will provide data for analysis and possibly lead to a commercial application down the road? And 'reform NIH?' Uh, could you first state what the problem is, why it's a problem and what solution you propose? No? Figures…

      I couldn't keep looking at those comments. Too empty, like deep space…

  7. Come here a minute

    It doesn't take a brain scientist to see that Newt doesn't care how stupid he looks, as long as he can keep his grift going.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      He and Palin must have identical diplomas from Bernie Madoff's little known but quite profitable sideline business, The Academy of Political Grifting.

  8. Terry

    "Increased Funding for Brain Science"

    Would that be funding for the study of the human brain or funding for science in which people USE their brains. If it's the latter, brain use is something that the people remaining in the Republican Party don't especially support.

    1. PsycWench

      Republicans are famously supportive of science until it disagrees with one of their main tenets, so…yeah.

    2. powersuit

      So Newt apparently wants to scrap NIH (don't Republicans mean "kill" when they say "reform"?) but increase spending on brain science?

      Either he thinks "brain science" is what all the Randians at the Cato Institute do, or he's a dumbass.

      1. SorosBot

        Or "brain science" is something that personally effects him or his family; funnily Republicans tend to change their tune on government programs when they are personally involved.

        1. finallyhappy

          "brain science"- because anyone who stilll supports Newt has no brain? As we at Wonkette know- "brain science" could constitute many areas(ok, I used to work with research money). Yes, GOPers usually want to shoot down scientific research- and they never understand it anyway. Except for the Creation museum

    1. PsycWench

      "Increased Funding for Brain Science.”
      "Increased Funding for Brain Science.”
      "Increased Funding for Brain Science.”
      Still too late

          1. tessiee


            A couple of weeks after I moved out of NJ, I was in the supermarket with some roommates, and asked them for "soda". Roommate 1 came back with a box of baking soda. I said, "No, smart-ass, SODA! Coca-cola!" He said, with an air of discovery, "Ohhhh! You mean POP!" We had the predictable argument, then he pointed to the sign over the aisle, which, indeed, said Pop. They also had something called "Red Pop", which struck me as the ultimate junk food — it wasn't even pretending to have a flavor.

          2. ThundercatHo

            It may be regional but soda pop is correctly called pop and soda refers to plain soda water. When I lived on the left coast and VA people could always tell I was a midwesterner because I said (correctly!) pop.

          3. SorosBot

            You mean they could tell you were a midwesterner because you said incorrectly pop. Pop's a word with its' own meaning that has has nothing to do with drinks; soda only means soda, the drink, and it would be ridiculous for it to just refer to soda water because no one ever refers to soda water.

          4. horsedreamer_1

            It's not so much a line as the Coasts call it Soda (Atlantic & Pacific, Canadian border to Mexican, no exception made for other regionalism (Southern U.S. Redneck, SoCal Beachbum)), & "Flyover Country (Red, Blue, & Purple) calls it Pop. With St. Louis & Milwaukee being the exceptions. It's Soda, correctly, in those areas, too.

          5. Chet Kincaid

            Cleveland and Chicago represent for Team Pop!

            But more importantly and on-topic, people who say "soda" would steal their mother's dentures while she sleeps and sell them for train fare, according to the Discovery Channel.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Hey…it was good enough for the Nazis.

        "Between this and the "findings" on diet pop a couple of days ago, maybe we shouldn't fund science if people are too fucking stupid to practice it, interpret it or write about it. "

        Poor deluded fella…science is no longer about discovery…it's about making the next blockbuster drug or consumer product.

        1. SorosBot

          Hey, we may not have cure for cancer or AIDS or even malaria, but we've got about half a dozen boner pills!

      2. finallyhappy

        Discovery Channel and science have little in common- Discovery also has TLC- Extreme Couponing/Hoarders- it is all about the crazies.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Well, for starters pretty much Newt does. I'll let the philosophers sort out the fine details.

    1. tessiee

      Stuff like this, to me, is like reading your horoscope in the paper. It's kinda fun, and sometimes on-point, but it's more for entertainment than meant to be taken as gospel graven in stone.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Yeah, I know. I was just using the science to make fun of Newty newt newt. Lol…like we need a study to tell us that newt is an unethical lying sack of dung.

  9. Boredw/Gravitas

    Privatizing space exploration and travel? Yeah, I don't see any potential problems with that.

    1. SorosBot

      Now the Weyland-Yutani corporation has some great ideas about setting up a space colony on Planet LV-426.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        that's just commie propaganda. We all know that the free market will run things efficiently. What Britain should do is lower corporate taxes and forbid lawsuits for any reason, but especially injuries.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          "Well, you didn't lower the taxes, so of course the bridge collapsed sending 240 train commuters to their deaths in the inky depths of the Firth of Forth. You stupid socialist."

    2. MaxUdargo

      Well, he made a good point in the last debate about NASA "standing in the way" of private space travel. Because, you know, space is really narrow and small, and with NASA clogging up space with all those shuttles and probes and rovers and stuff, there really hasn't been any room for anybody else. I think it's time we free up some space and make room for the small businessman. Stop hogging all the space, NASA!

    1. ttommyunger

      Hopefully he is in his later years. I'm guessing his arteries are as hard as a preacher's dick.

      1. PristineODummy

        Now that's the kind of snark I live and breathe for. May I use that? "hard as a preacher's dick." Mmm-mm good.

          1. PristineODummy

            That's even better. I won't have to pay royalties in my precious new potatoes. (Hey, I'z a Poorz. You want royalties, talk Koch.)

  10. PsycWench

    If he wants to draw people in, a better topic would involve Monday-morning quarterbacking the Casey Anthony trial.

    1. weejee

      Casey Anthony trial
      How many bazillions of eyeball hours were lost to that poof? Sad, yes, but the above-the-fold item for the last couple of weeks. Geesh.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Never paid attention to it until the last couple of days, but it has been worth it to see Nancy Grace stroking out on T.V.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Whoops, I had not seen this before responding to an earlier comment. I just knew there was something wrong with brain science…

    1. GOPCrusher

      And, according to a report on NPR yesterday, his campaign is already a million dollars in the red.
      This is the kind of fiscal responsibility America needs!

  11. Grief_Lessons

    This is the new face of campaigning in the 21st century: using the vast, world-wide penetration of the internet to find nine people who want to hear from you. Much easier than standing on a street corner yelling and handing out Xeroxed pamphlets.

  12. riverside68

    US space policy: How come we got so dang much space out west and so little back east?

    What will it take to get some of that out west space back east?

    If we could move an acre of Wyoming to Manhattan, we could wipe out the Federal debt!

  13. LiveToServeYa

    Soon, he'll be challenging the Paultards for the presidency of Second Life and World of Warcraft. (New word: irrelevanter)

  14. NorthStarSpanx

    So, nine people are stuck with Newt in a chat room? Where' s the panic button?

  15. Poindexter718

    That chat room couldn't even contain all his wives, if the cancerous dead ones are allowed to join.

  16. SorosBot

    So Newt wants our brains; sorry has-been, you ain't getting mine, you'll have to make do with the barely functional one you've got.

        1. widestanceroman

          Then we'll know if the carpet matches the drapes, which is to say, whether it is also a snow white igloo shape.

        2. PristineODummy

          Which is undoubtedly bald and chicken-like from repeated pluckings of teh hairz. And flabby. Ew, I think I has a soft-on.

  17. neiltheblaze

    See? Newt has been unchained – unleashed even – now that all his advisers have all deserted him. Let Newt be Newt!!!1!

  18. metamarcisf

    Increased funding for brain science is the winner here. Especially if it involves using the entire field of GOP candidates as guinea pigs.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      To paraphrase the United Negro College Fund slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing."

        1. Weenus299

          Watched Brewster's Millions several times recently. Reminded me how coked up he was, all the time.

  19. DaSandman

    The Salamander lives in a complex world where he is either considering the dire issues that face our great nation or spending hundreds of thousands a week bedazzling Callista's twat.

    Brain science indeed. They ought save his for further study.

  20. Poindexter718

    Didn't that witchy woman from Delaware who ran for senate warn us about Brain Science and its efforts to graft a human brain onto a mouse (or do I have that backwards?)?
    Why does Newt Gingrinch want to create a new race of rodent that will take over America? Didn't he see "Ben" back in 1973?

    1. riverside68

      Does anyone remember a Schrub SOU address where he vowed to stop human-animal hybrids?

      WTF is this about? Is this something that is only on FauxNews/GlenBeckistan so no rational person has heard about it?

      (Love me the Ben BTW.)

      1. horsedreamer_1

        It's prolly an abortion/stem-call dogwhistle, on the order of Dred Scott (but even more opaque).

  21. OC_Surf_Serf

    Newt is sure looking like an older, puffier and meaner version of killer doll Chucky

  22. baconzgood

    Here are some other ideas for your topics.

    Who the fuck names thier kid Newt?

    How to shut down the country during economic prosperity cause the prez (who you've been slinging mud at) doesn't want to sit next to you on a plane.

    How to leave your wife on a cancer bed. A step by step tutorial.

    slush funds and you.

    Baconz didn't forget about "rubbergate"

    Oh and this website is worthy of a little discussion. http://www.realchange.org/gingrich.htm

    1. PubOption

      I assume that his full name is Newton, if it is, he should use his full name, for the gravitas.

      1. riverside68

        Newton was rong bout gravitas-Our jew says it's warped space

        Newt is probly imbareassed about the connection

    2. BarryOPotter

      Who the fuck names thier kid Newt?

      Gussie Fink-Nottle: "At the time, I thought it quite clever. Didn't imagine it would come to this, did I…"

  23. EatsBabyDingos

    My research indicates that Newt brains cost $1,000 a pound, while normal brains are $1.98 at the $1.98 Store. Something about needing a dozen Newts to make a pound of brains.

    Newt needs to fling more monkey poo.

    1. PristineODummy

      I thought it was because *Newt's* brain has never been used, unlike normal ones.

  24. x111e7thst

    Is there a special "Hangout" for Repuke losers that Bachmann is kicking the shit out of? Newty could go hang out there with TeePaw.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Is there a special "Hangout" for Repuke losers that Bachmann is kicking the shit out of?

      Yes, but Michele's boudoir has a weight limit, and she's not a chubby chaser like that Calista woman, but to be fair, Calista's not really hotty-for-Newt's-body, but, uh Tiffany's…

    1. tessiee

      His appearance and (shudder) sexual behavior suggest at least some pig in the mixture.

  25. mumbly_joe

    Actually, Hangouts sound pretty perfect for reaching every person who's going to vote for Newt and hosting a conversation between them.

    Hell, they could even loop in Callista and the Gingrich campaign's remaining staffers with room to spare.

  26. Eve8Apples

    "Hooray, Newt is also president of space."

    No space blimp = no space presidency.

  27. Weenus299

    Hey Newt? What if a democratic-party president considers cutting Social Security and Medicare? Would that be a pigs-fly scenario or a mere end of the fuckdog US of A?

    1. freakishlywrong

      And the thugs still won't make a deal. They'll just demand more and more. That's why you don't negotiate with terrorists.

  28. elviouslyqueer

    My team and I are considering how to best use Hangouts

    Um, Newt? The voices in your head do not count as a "team." Also, the only thing interested in hanging out with you is your distended, porcine adipose tissue.

  29. DaRooster

    "…Increased Funding for Brain Science.”

    Uh oh… someone has discovered a precursor to Alzheimer's… does 'splain a lot…

  30. KeepFnThatChicken

    He's using John Edwards' "Two Americas" argument. There's the one America that can currently use Google+, and the one that cannot.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Please don't associate Peeps (finest food ever) with bloat boy. Thank you for your consideration.

    1. finallyhappy

      How that didn't sink that disgusting drugged out tub of lard- I will never understand. And by the way, his tea ads are on bus stops in downtown DC- and as most of the people who ride the buses are people of color(and me- I ride the Green line and the bus that runs along the green line)- I do not think they will be buying that shit.

      1. tessiee

        "How that didn't sink that disgusting drugged out tub of lard- I will never understand."

        Apparently, nothing can sink those people.
        Rush, Sarah, the whole gang of them — they could run down the street with the severed head of a Cub Scout in one hand, and their supporters would still follow them, while bleating about how Dems are fanatical about Obama.

    1. riverside68

      Callista: "Oh Newt that is so sweet. I guess that means I am going to have to let you touch me again."

  31. hagajim

    “My team and I are considering how to best use Hangouts" to get me a newer wife, Calista is old news now.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Ten fat naked puzzled people looking at each other and trying to figure out what exactly they are supposed to jerk.

  32. starfanglednut

    "You could narrow cast, but record it (if possible) and than offer it up via itunes, and other services.


    It would be vastly outsold by the weekly soundtrack from Glee.

  33. Redhead

    "Increased Funding for Brain Science"

    No matter how much funding you throw at it, Newt, you're never going to be able to find the teabaggers' brains (at least not without a proctologist)

  34. comrad_darkness

    >Repealing Dodd-Frank; Repealing Sarbanes-Oxley;

    Also, gosh, tiny little bits of financial regulation enacted after the second worst financial debacle in U.S. history caused by three decades of systematic deregulation. My god! The horror! They have to go!!

  35. An_Outhouse

    When I heard Newt was polling at 4 +/- 10% in New Hampshire I figured he must have relatives there. Who the fuck are all the losers posting over there? "Repealing Sarbanes-Oxley would make my job in IT better!" What the FUCK does that even mean? They definitely should be researching brain transplants or at least brain plants.

  36. An_Outhouse


    That's a handy URL to remember. Good job, Google!

  37. Andrew Drinker

    I'm surprised he's still taking himself seriously when absolutely no one else anywhere is anymore.

  38. GortRay

    They should have a hangout thing to repeal relativity and quantum mechanics. They're just too danged hard for real Muricans to unnerstand and that means thay ain't true.

  39. tessiee

    "Increased Funding for Brain Science"

    I can haz moar munnys 4 big an smart thinkz?

  40. tessiee

    "Increased Funding for Brain Science.”

    No more having to rely on cheapo suppliers like Abby Normal.

  41. OldRedneck

    Is anyone CERTAIN that Newt Gingrich is a real person?

    I mean . . . his "wife" is a latex blow-up doll and I'm betting he's a hologram image projected by a little guy behind an emerald-colored curtain.

  42. tessiee

    "Sorry Google – if you're going to let lowlifes like Newt Gingrich supporters on before me, I'm just not that into you."

    I recently read a library book by Patton Oswalt where he relates an anecdote about a boss who was not only obnoxious but also unethical, and says something like, "I suddenly realized that I actually *wanted* him to dislike me. He was such an awful, worthless, crappy person, that if he thought I was OK, it would injure my self-esteem."

  43. HistoriCat

    Hank Hill – is that you?HANK: Now, you'll think about what I said? WYNONA JUDD: I was raised with charcoal, I'll die with charcoal. So back off!

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