worse than abu ghraib

Florida Libertarians Demand Gov’t Intervene To Stop TSA Pat-Downs

dildo alien probe pedobear tsa same thingTSA pat-downs have somehow become libertarian wingnuts’ favorite new “alien anal probe of death” conspiracy cause, which means they will march around and make demands, to the government, libertarians asking their government for things, and tell the dang government to go do something about it. The Florida Libertarian Party spent its July Fourth weekend writing a big frothing stack of letters to every sheriff in Florida demanding that police arrest TSA agents across the state on the grounds that they believe the pat-downs violate the Fourth Amendment, which is hilarious because we thought judges were in charge of declaring laws unconstitutional.

But no, we get it: wingnuts know to call the sheriff when there are alien anal probes to report, and this is pretty much like that. Or when sheriffs fail, there is always that old standard for anal probe protection, a vigilante pitchfork mob, in the airport.

Ron Paul thought a little harder about the whole thing, and he went a step further last week to call for the abolition of the entire TSA, because it is a torture training center where TSA agents test out Guantanamo techniques on air travel passengers.

From The Hill:

“The press reports are horrifying,” Paul said. “Ninety-five-year-old women humiliated, children molested, disabled people abused. Men and women subjected to unwarranted groping and touching of their most private areas, and involuntary radiation exposure.

“If the perpetrators were a gang of criminals, their headquarters would be raided by SWAT teams and armed federal agents,” he continued. “Unfortunately in this case, the perpetrators are armed federal agents.”

Ew. Well, whatever. We are still looking forward to watching Ron Paul conduct his campaign on horseback. [The Hill]

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173 comments

  1. GunToting[Redacted]

    Urg! I hate the TSA, but mainly because they are an underfunded group (thanks, teabaggers!) who rely on unproven technology to prevent the previous airline attack from happening. The fact that the Libtards have latched onto this is just an unpleasant side-effect (much like rectal itching brought on by some FDA-approved drug no one needs).

    1. mumbly_joe

      Well, that, and there have been a few cases where screeners have been either egregiously unprofessional and/or screenings have sort of gone into territory they, REALLY shouldn't.

      I know the complaints sort of verge on "white people problems/first-world problems" territory, but I'm also willing to grant that complaining about the normalization of cavity searches for domestic flights ought not automatically label someone "shrill".

      Unfortunately, it is an issue championed by already-shrill Pautards who often decide to take a very first-world problems tone about the whole thing, so it's kinda understandable that people conflate the two.

    2. fuflans

      yeah and i call bullshit on a lot of this crap. i flew nearly 200,000 miles last year and – speaking as a chick with legs – i really REALLY didn't get raped by the x-ray machine. and i travelled with a funny looking microphone. in fact, i left an important bag w/ meaningful contents somewhere at ord b-concorse on monday and i come home on thursday to claim it intact with jewelry.

      what i really think is baggers are an uneducated, incurious lot who have absolutely no idea what the world is like and seriously like to bitch.

      1. PristineODummy

        Interesting. I, too, have flown all over the fucking planet in the years since the TSA began, and I have not ONCE been subjected to unacceptable groping of the 'nads. And I, unfortunately, do fall into the "looks like a trrrrist" category, being of the browner persuasion with a tendency to dress like a slob. Although, to be fair, the TSA did stop some elderly, blind WHITE lady standing next to me and drag her aside for presumed anal rape despite her daughter's protests. Tsk! But that was once out of some 30 flights, so I figure that's not too bad. Yay, TSA.

      1. genxr

        Please place any metal objects in the tray, and tap your foot before entering the security zone.

    1. GOPCrusher

      It's not the pat-downs they are against. It's the fact that white people are getting patted down.

  2. Larry McAwful

    Tax cuts will stop the TSA patdowns, which are a direct result of unions. And healthcare.

    1. ganmerlad

      It's a shame because that is the number one current method of finding removable hemorrhoids and testicular tumors.

  3. Madfall

    The Florida Libertarian Party spent its July Fourth weekend writing a big frothing stack of letters.

    That's where your story lost all credibility.

  4. nounverb911

    "Men and women subjected to unwarranted groping and touching of their most private areas,"
    Marcus Bachmannn has a "Cure" for that.

  5. zappadoo76

    This just proves to me that the libtards aren't wrong about everything. In addition to wanting to legalize marijuana, they oppose sexual humiliation at the airport. It's too bad they want to roll back all the gains of the US working class in the last 100 years. But no political philosophy is perfect.

    1. bureaucrap

      I thought WE were the libtards and THEY were the paultards. But maybe it's must me that's mixed up.

    2. sportshort

      In the swelling pantheon of "tards" we must distinguish between the ordinary "lib"tard (of which I am one) and the "libertard" which would be the libertarian tard. Just saying.

      1. riverside68

        Wow man, that is some awesome, or something . . .

        Actually if you think about it, it is really, really, funny . . . .

        You got anything to eat?

        1. sportshort

          Have some of my purple berries. Been eating them for six or seven weeks now. Haven't got sick once. Probably keep us both alive….

    3. GOPCrusher

      Who opposes sexual humiliation at the airport? I pay the extra 25 bucks for it.

  6. Lascauxcaveman

    The TSA will counter with an ACLU-backed lawsuit defending their right to grope, molest, and humiliate at will. This is America, dammit!

  7. baconzgood

    “The press reports are horrifying,” Paul said. “Ninety-five-year-old women humiliated, children molested, disabled people abused. Men and women subjected to unwarranted groping and touching of their most private areas, and involuntary radiation exposure."

    I don't understand….Isn't this cookie cutter GOP policy?

    1. GOPCrusher

      I don't see any mention of fetii. I thought that was the only thing that the GOP was concerned about?

    2. Redhead

      No no no. GOP policy is humiliating 95-year-old women, molesting children, abusing disabled people, subjecting women to unwarranted groping and touching, and exposing minority men to involuntary radiation exposure.

      See the difference? It's OBVIOUSLY horrifying to think of old white men being exposed to unwarranted groping. Plus the quote forgot to mention making the women have the baby after the groping, whether they want to or not – can't leave that out!

  8. freakishlywrong

    The cacophony of silence would be deafening on this issue were there but a wingnut in the whitehouse.

  9. SmutBoffin

    I'm with the Paultards on this one. I can't get on board with the tactics or the GUMMINT IS BAD philosophy, but, yeah, the TSA is a massive waste of resources and is super gross.

    Also, where can I get that Cthulhu dildo cozy?

    1. ganmerlad

      The problem is the gobment under reaching and second basing. I am sure the constitution doesn't give leeway for feeling up.

    2. Barrelhse

      I got a cozy at the local old-folks home. They crochet 'em there and and sell them on consignment at the front desk.

    3. zhubajie

      One of the goals is to replace TSA with a private company owned by the Koch brothers. So much better to be groped by Koch mamelukes, you know!

  10. imissopus

    Men and women subjected to unwarranted groping and touching of their most private areas, and involuntary radiation exposure.

    Throw in some ecstasy and it sounds like one hell of a rave.

      1. PristineODummy

        You should watch some of their TV shows, like Vermilion Pleasure Nights. I don't get why watching people sing soprano as their butts are jabbed with huge needles by tiny ladies in sexy nurse uniforms (fap, fap, fap) … uh, wut wuz I saying? Must sleep now.

  11. V572 [SSAN]

    ZOG issued a bulletin today to the effect tairsts from some unspecified European location are planning to have bombs surgically implanted in themselves so they can get past airport security. "Welcome, traveler to the US and A…Please step into this ancient fluoroscope, that will give you five lifetimes worth of radiation to allow us to maybe see whether you have a suicide bomb somewhere in your body. It won't hurt a bit until the tumor starts metastasizing 10 years from now."

    Have to say I agree with the wingnuts on this: flying shouldn't require abandoning your constimitutional rites.

    1. bureaucrap

      It would be much easier if they just had a combination x-ray/x-ecution booth. Little zap of radiation to see what you're holding, and if they think your pocket umbrella is a bomb, a nice BIG zap to finish the job. The ashes can be used to fertilize the flower beds around the airport, and instead of many TSA screeners, you just need one. It's a win win win win…

  12. Tengu

    Paul stated, "I would much rather be killed by a terrorist than have a civil servant discover the size of my wiener."

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Given the current state of airline travel, I, for one, welcome the little bit of human contact I get from TSA.

  14. Serolf_Divad

    So when are Florida and Texas going to pass a law mandating that any flight that enters of realves their airspace must allow passengers to carry concealed handguns?

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Gee, I would've expected the libertarian response to this humiliation would be for them to all build their own airplanes. Maybe these are moderate libertarians.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Why is the gummint even involved in air transportation? The founding fathers didn't need no airplanes!

  16. SorosBot

    Sure, the Paultards support the right to privacy when it applies to how they are treated at the airport, but when it comes to women and how the right to privacy allows them to control their own bodies they actively oppose it. Freedom only applies to them, the superior white males.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Silly SorosBot, which part of "every sperm is sacred" do you not understand?

      1. SorosBot

        Yes, silly me forgetting that a female is nothing but a carrier for the holy male seed, and certainly not a full human with rights and all.

    2. PristineODummy

      Well … yes, and your point is? Sheesh, give them wimminz the vote and they think they have a right to complain about everything.

  17. Weenus299

    Nothing will happen until a republican senator is anally probed before a live studio audience.

    1. FidoMcCokefiend

      If that happens, then anal probes will be mandatory. Perhaps you haven't thought your cunning plan all the way through? OR DID YOU?

    2. FlownOver

      I'm nominating a sandpaper-coated Louisville Slugger for the probe, and Cornyn for probee – unless he agrees, in which case Turtlehead.

  18. user-of-owls

    I'm perplexed. When the sheriffs arrest the TSA thugs, they will assuredly pat them down for hidden weapons or other bits, right? So who do we call about that outrage?

    Like I said, I am perplexed.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    While they're at it, can they do something about the airplanes being late all the time? And losing my luggage?

    1. V572 [SSAN]

      Sorry, that's the beloved Private* Sector being incompetent. Untouchable, except by the Invisible Hand. Soon you'll see more and more consumers moving the airlines with better service. Hahahahaha….
      ________________
      *"private" in the sense of using government-built-and-operated airports in government-controlled airspace.

  20. samsuncle

    These are the same fuckwads that will be outraged if there is another 9/11 due to an oversite by TSA.

    1. Reagan Still Dead

      I was going to comment that these are the same fucksticks who were saying we shouldn't be a-skeered of airport searches if we ain't got nothin' to hide. I guess a flop on this should be expected, the way they fall in and out of love with their presidential candidates.

    2. emmelemm

      Yes, in that case, it's because the President is morally weak. Too morally weak to protect us at the airports by taking away our civil rights.

  21. hagajim

    "weekend writing a big frothing stack of letters to every sheriff"

    Is Rick Santorum working for TSA now?

      1. PristineODummy

        This will result in Li'l Ricky's DREAM! Santorum will be on the lips of every young Republican.

  22. Fox n Fiends

    How long before the NRA gets involved? Bringing guns on an airplane is a 2nd amendment RIGHT, dammit.

  23. x111e7thst

    When Fantasy Manor shut down I was afraid that I would never again experience that unique blend of unwarranted groping and touching of my most private areas and public sexual humiliation. Then I discovered that all I had to do was go to the airport. And now the TeaTards want to take it all away from me again.

  24. Beowoof

    I am confused, I am supposed to be super scared of people wanting to bomb airplanes, but then I am not supposed to want the government to protect me from being on airplane that gets bombed. Would you believe half these nuts claiming they don't want to be searched aren't packing? With some dream of being super stud on the airplane when a real bomber shows up. Libretarian tards once again, not living in reality, but out on their survivalist compound, in a cement bunker.

  25. EatsBabyDingos

    Florida Teatards-the evolutionary 3 ton marsupial. Like growing hair in your colon, this evolutionary anomoly has no explanation.

  26. HELisforHEL

    I just want to know where I can get a Cthulhu crochet or knitting pattern–the one in the pic is awesome.

      1. HELisforHEL

        Oh thank you thank you! Yes, we also deal with the New England cold; these would be the perfect antidote to large heating bills, helping us save more coins for our hobo beans.

        A link provided to a Cthulu pattern, Just another reason I love it here.

  27. Ducksworthy

    I'm surprised. I thought most of these idiots only went to the airport because it was the only place where they would be fondled.

  28. smitallica

    Sure, libtards, that'll work. Call the county government to come in and start a huge fuck-with against the federal government. That'll fix everything.

  29. JustPixelz

    “The press reports are horrifying,” Paul said.

    Here's another from the Los Angeles Times:

    Terrorists struck at the preeminent symbols of America's wealth and might Tuesday, flying airliners in the the World Trade Center and the Pentagon killing and injuring thousands of people.

    I don't like flying. And I think it's stupid to screen for specific threats — like shoes. I don't see how an aircraft attack can succeed. Passengers are too alert to the behavior of other passengers.

    Here's an alternative for the libertarians: search-free airlines. Bring anything you want aboard. Being armed will keep you safe on the plane. Plus no one will kick your seat back.

    1. MrFizzy

      He certainly has a low threshold for horrifying. I can't imagine what would go through his mind if he experienced something that actually met the definition.

    2. genxr

      And if you want to use your cell phone in flight, dammit that's your right. The free market will weed out all airplanes that can't handle the interference.

    3. V572 [SSAN]

      And none of those intrusive FAA "safety" checks. And air traffic control? Don't get me started! I fly where I feel like flying! And if I want to land on the highway instead of at your crowded socialist airport, that's my right, too.

  30. EatsBabyDingos

    The press reports are horrifying,” Paul said. “Ninety-five-year-old women humiliated, children molested, disabled people abused. Men and women subjected to unwarranted groping and touching of their most private areas, and involuntary radiation exposure.

    Other than the molested children, this sounds like a good fraternity party with a bad microwave oven. Rock on, Tappa Kegga Bru!

  31. MrFizzy

    When, oh, when is Florida going to break off and sink to the bottom of the Atlantic where it belongs?

  32. weejee

    Poke & prod all ya want TSA, as long as you let folks take cell phones and laptops on the planes you won't stop a kaboom iffin' a well trained chemist wants it to happen. Just sayin'.

  33. Fare la Volpe

    Added Paul: "We must combat this TSA invasion before they sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

    1. Ducksworthy

      I suspect Dr. Paul was sapped of all his precious bodily fluids about the time the movie came out.

  34. Doktor Zoom

    Libertarians are angry that TSA is engaged in the wrong kind of meaningless security theater. If TSA's meaningless security theater did more to rough up and intimidate scary muslins, they'd be OK with that.

    Bruce Schneier pretty much said it all when he pointed out that there have been exactly two things that have made another 9/11-type attack considerably less likely: 1) Mandating reinforced cockpit doors, and 2) Passengers being willing to actively resist hijackers. Beyond those, the best security will always come from good, case-specific intelligence, which is less visible but far more effective.

    1. V572 [SSAN]

      If you want to know about the success of TSA, just ask them how many terrorists they've caught.

    2. Ducksworthy

      Muslins, black and browns are all suspect and should be eligible for vigorous groping, anal probing and any other form of public humiliation TSA can come up with. Did you think this was about protecting old ladies and children?

    3. Barrelhse

      I'm fine with roughing up Muslins, but I want them to fuck up a few TEACHERS, too- they are the Real Threat to America.

    4. zhubajie

      "Mandating reinforced cockpit doors"

      No cockpit doors inside. Let the pilots enter from outside via separate doors.

  35. arihaya

    Libertarians demanding Government to intervene is like the Pope ordering Kosher burger

  36. Toomush_Infer

    I share these libertardian ideals….I, too, thought that, with the advent of the Internet, no one would have to fly anywhere and could remain eternally ensconced in their parent's basement….this is eye-opening and I don't like it….

  37. DaSandman

    Even these right wing extra chromosome douche bags are getting sick of our culture of fear?

    Wow.

    We used to be a nation of heros. What the fuck happened to us?

  38. SheriffRoscoe

    Again (and how many times must I say it?)……nothing about airport security is technically "involuntary." Stick involuntary up your ass and stay the hell home, Libertarians.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I agree with the good Sheriff. These are the same assbags like complain about the "Nanny state" and "personal responsibility". They are quick to say if something offensive is on the radio or TV, then turn it off or turn the channel.
      Well tinfoil hat wearers, if you don't want to undergo the security check at the airport, either keep your ass at home, or find alternate transportation.

  39. Mumbletypeg

    Tsk. The help-wanted messages above the gas pump just aren't what they used to be.

    Prior to TSA ads I don't remember what they used to be, either. I just remember being in the back seat of my grandmother's sedan when she pulled up to her local Exxon — it was full service back then and she called it "Clary Smiths'" never "Exxon" — and while we waited for the pump & windshield service I'd regard the sign over the door, "Happy Motoring," only the 't' had fallen off, so more or less I was reading "Happy Mooring."
    That kind of *help-wanted*, the kind of help Clary needed with his signage.
    Puzzling over ersatz messages such as that beats mulling over poor sad TSA loser-job status any day, any lifetime.

    1. prommie

      I still think of it as "Esso," which is of course, S. O., which is, Standard Oil of New Jersey. My grandfather worked in the Bayway refinery.

  40. Pragmatist2

    Tea Party members are social. They prefer group gropes to solitary encounters with bureaucrats. That's more a Larry Craig thing.

  41. fuflans

    KNITTED OOD!!

    that used to be my facebook picture but then i changed it to knitted daleks because i fucking hate facebook.

  42. ttommyunger

    Libertarians are just frustrated. All that foreplay and no happy ending? It's just not right!

      1. PristineODummy

        Ugh … what is this? They've been offered a chance to watch the porcine beast wallow in a pool filled with young boys, or what?

    1. PristineODummy

      OT, but I can't see comments on some other posts, for some reason, so I want to take this opportunity to thank you for satisfying my unwarranted and rather presumptuous curiousity. You're a gentleman and a prince.

  43. MinAgain

    "If the perpetrators were a gang of criminals" is a pretty weak argument, Ron. You could say the same thing about pretty much anything a law enforcement agency does.

    1. HuddledMass

      Or your personal physician – talk about being groped. And then they stick NEEDLES in you, fercrissake.

  44. Guppy06

    They'd be totally OK with getting anally probed by Blackwater, though. Free markets!

  45. Guppy06

    If libertarians don't want to get anally probed, they can simply not fly and choose a competing form of transportation. Didn't they notice the terms of the contract they signed when they purchased the ticket? They did read the contract, right?

    Free markets!

    1. zhubajie

      If they went through the X-ray machine, we'd find out how small their brains are!

  46. OneYieldRegular

    These are the same people who are given to panic attacks and fits of screaming when someone accidentally opens the bathroom door.

  47. Wilcoxyz

    The government should not get involved with anything the private sector already provides – in an airport restroom with a consenting adult or senator.

  48. tymberwolf817

    Didn't John Stuart Mill say something about letting people expose themselves to radiation so long as they don't grow to 50 feet tall and destroy Tokyo?

  49. PristineODummy

    I wonder how the TSA will respond to this. Will they shut down all flights out of FL, like they threatened to do with TX? Anyone notice that our courageous TX politicians slithered off to their holiday hideouts instead of voting on that TSA bill?

  50. AJWjr.

    What these Paultards fail to realize is that the government, in it's infinite wisdom, offers tax cuts to rich and middle-class private jet owners, so you can avoid the embarrassment of the TSA handjobs altogether.

    I was going to say rich and poor jet owners, but come on, they're poors!

  51. glamourdammerung

    At least the Libertarians are still being consistent. Even if it is about being morally and intellectually inconsistent.

    1. PristineODummy

      Oh, Christ. That explains the South and the feckin' eejits they regularly elect, I guess.

  52. zhubajie

    Maybe assorted T-tards ought to start their own passenger blimp line? With Xe providing the security?

  53. zhubajie

    Seriously for a moment, this kind of internal fighting was one of the goals of the 9-11 attacks.

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