Buried halfway through this rumor-heavy Politico INSIDE SCOOP about the implosion of Herman Cain’s campaign is one particularly fun piece of total hearsay alleging that Cain’s Iowa staff is crumbling “after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.” Yes, why hadn’t we thought of that before, it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate before this turns into another one of those gay Ronald Reagan Lake Tahoe sex parties from the sixties that made everyone think about naked Jack Kemp when he was Bob Dole’s running mate. If it hasn’t already, that is.
Only in GOP circles is “I accuse” still such a fun sexytime game for closeted homosexual Republicans hanging out at Iowa political science camp that it could possibly rank up there with “professional misconduct” and “affairs” in destroying staff morale. Or maybe it does not, because it is just a rumor.
Is there a bright side? No, not really, but there’s this:
Earlier this week, after reports of [New Hampshire political director Matt] Murphy’s resignation surfaced, [Cain spokeswoman Ellen] Carmichael swatted down the idea that the campaign was in turmoil, in Iowa or elsewhere, noting that this isn’t a “Newt Gingrich situation.”
Haha, the gay mafia still cannot destroy Republican campaigns as well as Newt Gingrich. [Politico]
{ 218 comments }
And all along I thought Herman Cain was really Lindsey Graham in disguise.
Yeah. Minstrel shows may be coming back.
Our first gay black pizza president.
I wonder if Cain was ever called "Pizza face" as a youth.
Please, that's offensive. They prefer to be called Pepperoni-Americans.
No anchovies, please.
Did Cain send his gay staffers to Marcus Bachmannn to get "Cured"?
From the infamous Iowa cornholing contest?
Well, if it wasn't the homos, it would have been the Jews or the Mexicans. Just a matter of time.
Plenty of Somali & Bosnian Muslims in Iowa to blame, for Mr "I will administer a religion test for my appointees" Cain.
And we allow gays to marry, so it was just a matter of time.
isn’t a “Newt Gingrich situation.”
The lowest bar is now set…
How long until 'Gingrich' becomes a verb?
"Swing and a Gingrich!"
Gingriched with faint praise.
He Gingriched his wife.
"…but after Gingriching on opening night, he never worked on Broadway again."
"Spider man: Gingrich the dark"
Don't Newt me, bro!
"…Dude, I really fucking Gingriched that whole fucking situation…"
We could get lower if Newt flashed his abs and said "we have a situation".
wiggling around excrement won't get you far in a campaign apparently
Truth is, there was a falling out as to whether to order the staff pizzas with or without anchovies.
"Oh my god, that bowling ball, it's my wife!"
Love STINKS, man.
The did agree not to order from Godfather's.
I forget which Iowa pizza chain offers sauerkraut and Canadian bacon pizza. Happy Joe's or something? Anyway, pizza joints in Iowa are a good place to introduce your toddler to drinking beer by the quart.
Wasn't it Cain that invented the "meat lovers" pizza???
I think his contribution was the Saturated fat Lover's Pizza.
"Hawkeye for the Straight Guy"
The M.A.S.H. update was really just an excuse to get Alan Alda work, again.
I'm guessing Iowa has the least buff homos in the nation. But still, legally marriageable.
Don't blame Cain, Iowa farm boys are irresistible.
The only difference between a farm boy and a bisexual is a couple of brewskis.
And a sheep.
Baaaa-sexual?
Iowa: where the men are men, the women are women, and the sheep are all scared shitless.
I can resist them just fine, thanks.
What does
Mr. Elaine ChaoMitch McConnell have to say?I believe he is the ranking closeted Republican.
~
Wouldn't Mrs. Chao say "the wanking closeted Republican"?
She's a Dragon Lady, so she don't care.
~
Lots of daggers in the GOP cloak-room.
And lots and lots of coat hangers!
Every ass-birth is sacred!
Okay, so I'm not the only one who noticed that. Good. Sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind. I mean, I wouldn't say I've got "gaydar," but just like you don't need radar to find a mountain on a clear day, you don't need gaydar to find Mitch McConnell.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *inconsolable weeping*
I'm sorry, baby. No matter what we do, we just can't keep those yobs out.
Leave Grandma alone!!!
We call her Grammy, really just put a bonnet on her and you've got Irene Ryan.
Oh, I dunno about Irene Ryan. I rather think Yertle McTurtle rather favors Miss Jane Hathaway.
Don't besmirch the good name of Irene Ryan.
"it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate".
How many careers did J. Edgar Hoover ruin?
746570269_1598605
All of them, Ethel.
But J. Edgar ruined many a party dress when he cross-dressed for a night on the town.
Probably lots!
Its the Man bringing him down… (the gay man…)
Or the seMen.
The SeMen agenda is going swimmingly.
Leave the Navy outa this!
Considering the goofy shit republicans will swallow, I don't know why they think a load of jizz is such a big deal.
Wait…Herman Cain had a New Hampshire Political Director?!
Maybe. Or he might have been talking about the assistant manager at the Godfather's in Nashua. No one is sure.
Someone needs to make a Nailin' Palin-esque gay porno about Herman Cain's campaign. They could call it Risin' Cane.
Spermin' Cane if taste is not an issue.
It would be the only twist to the pizza delivery set up since 1971 when the mustache first appeared.
Memoir's of "a strong black man"
The Gay Mafia probably got some cool Mob names………..like
Tony the Tongue?
Toni the Tongue
/fixed
Laughed so hard I coughed up breakfast!
Dick Nixon?
Big Pussy.
Oh, wait.
Cocktop? I hear Dick Tracy's THIS close to stuffing him in jail.
Herman the Fur-man
Vinny "You Go" Girlito
Karl Rove…uh, wait, you didn't read that!
DO NOT WANT.
Frankie the Flame.
Sammy "the Bull Dyke" Gravano?
Mr. Pink?
Fookin' Brilliant…
Sticky Dick?
"Flannel" Maria Gambino.
Bruno the Bear?
Fingers McWriggle.
Joe Bananas, RIP
Got some cool Mob names………..like is this generation's You know who else.
Pussy Galore?
Rudy the Ghoul?
Jimmy the Whacker? Dick Armey?
So raising Cain has become a fairytale?
Why do I totally imagine this as a combination of South Park and grade school?
Staffer 1: We could do a pizza where the ingredients spell "USA" and call it the "Freedom Pie"!
Staffer 2: That's totally gay
Staffer 1: You're gay
Staffer 3: I'm reporting you both to Herman!
Staffer 2: Only because you're gay for him.
Staffer 3: Professional misconduct!
Well, you you can't exactly toss around the racial epithets in the Cain campaign staff. They have to accuse each other of something.
Well, don't you think they went just a teensy bit overboard with all those accusations? I mean, "gay" by itself would've been just fine, but honestly! The sniping in the Hermanator's campaign is getting downright bitchy. And that mean, mean comment Herman's spokesweasel made about Newt! Girl, I haven't heard such trash talk since the last drag queen contest.
FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the new, Pizza America that is surely coming (har!), what will be the price for being accused of homosexuality? Will the punishment be President Cain topping your pizza himself?
Well, I just made myself throw up a little.
And that, class, is how new sex moves are named!
But was it worth the haunting mental image I conjured up?…Yes. Yes, it was.
I bet Cain is a bottom.
Pizza topping? Genius!
Is that the gay GOP elephant's trunk or is he happy to see me?
& the proprietors of Mons Venus just heaved a sigh of relief that their GOP convention business will not be hurt.
Sounds like he might have sampled a little too much Crazy Bread….
Oh, my God !!! That's it, you've done it !! …Herman "Crazy Bread" Cain…
Cain just can't seem to deliver.
His staff doesn't seem to have much trouble with pickups, though.
The Secret Homosexual Mafia Infiltrated the GOP long ago!
If by "Secret Homosexual Mafia" you mean ordinary, everyday, closeted Gay Republicans:
1989 News—Call boys in Bush Sr's Whitehouse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5OJPeHCmhA
Jeff Guckert was legal, then? (I thought he was a pretty young guy, even in 2003.)
Did Jeff Guckert's Daddy accept credit cards? That was probably pretty new for hookers back in 1989.
Like Father, like Son. On Earth as it is in Heaven…..
Reminds me of the Mango "origin story" sketch on late '99 SNL. Chris Kataan returned home to see his parents, with his father, also a showboy, named Guava (& played by Danny De Vito).
Speaking of Guckert, did we ever find out what, or who, he was doing in the Shrub White House?
I thought it was KKKarl. Or George and KKKarl.
Can we name the elephant? Please?
Noah?
Stampy!
Loggy (short for Mr Log Cabin)?
Maximus.
Gotta be a Julian.
"Noah" really means "Yessah"
Sissy.
Bud.
Pachy?
Trunk in da junk?
And speaking of trunks 'n junk.
I am appropriating this from poster fartknocker.
Herm???
Spanky.
Harvey
Doesn't matter what his name was. As soon as he graduated he bleached his trunk blond and renamed himself "Cody."
Extreme Right Said Fred?
Gaybar the Elephant?
Nah, I think he's Kenyan.
I was afraid that the last word of the headline was going to be "booty" instead of "campaign".
DO. NOT. WANT. TIMES A BILLION.
A "Newt Gingrich Situation"? Is that like the Bowery Boys doin' "Routine Twelve, fellas!"?
I can't imagine any homosexual agenda in a "Newt Gingrich Situation". It'd be more like a "I know your hands are weak and atrophied, but sign the dissolution agreement anyway."
Thank god Cain didn't run a chain of Asian restaurants.
"Did you order the…Korean Beef?"
Or the Hot & Spicy Beef?
The next time I burn my frozen Pizza, I'm blaming teh Gayz.
Herman Cain: ‘You don’t need foreign policy experience to know who your friends are and who your enemies are’
~
Noah the gay elephant?
it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again.
Can they please go to Boneheader's and Mittens' offices next? Then there's McConnell and Cantor to deal with, then…
Please, gays, for the sake of us all we are begging you here…
I swear to deity, a faggot's work is never done.
Cain's staff members are accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct — or, in other words, engaging in Republitard foreplay.
Staff. Members. Hee hee hee.
You know who else's rise to power was ruined by teh ghayez?
King Leonidas of Sparta?
Hmmmm. One could say the same about Xerxes.
The Wicked Witch of the West?
~
Oh please, have you seen Margaret Hamilton? Her dick was bigger than Ann Coulter's.
Lindsey Graham?
The First Evil?
Alexander the really, really great?
Marcus Bachmann?
You know, um, you know…ol' whats his name?
Richard the Lionheart?
David Dreier. And seriously, thanks again for that one, gheys.
Also, Mel Gibson. Also, for different reasons, Tom Cruise.
Dianne Feinstein?
Oh, well, everybody knows it was Hitler. I mean, Night of the Long Knives and everything, right? No?
Tracy Morgan.
But he was asking for it.
Everyone who was involved in the making of Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark?
His pizza was reminiscent of santorum.
Question for the day: How do you determine which of your Republican/Conservative/'bagger staff members is the homosexual, and which are married, have kids, and are successfully closeted homosexuals?
A tanned ring finger and/or white pants, turquoise shirt and white mesh belt??
Shh – you can almost hear Rep Schock's closet creaking open to reveal even more fabulousness.
Closeted homosexuals think nothing about paying Elton John to perform at their wedding/funeral/anniversary/bar mitzvah, whereas true 'mos wouldn't be seen within 100 miles of that tacky, washed-up queen.
Drop the soap?
Nobody could have suspected a businessman who never ran for any political office before would put together a completely amateur and dysfunctional campaign staff.
Be fair, Cain only promised to discriminate against muslins. As long as they're XTIAN homos, they're home free.
So now that they've destroyed the institution of marriage, the gays are turning their sights on the GOP? Way to go, gays — get 'em!
It's more of a "Lindsey Graham Situation" than a "Newt Gingrich Situation."
It's like this trojan horse? Into which lots of skirted fellas climbed up through its butt, and other skirted fellas rolled out to a beach, where the Cainenites wheeled in behind the walls of Cain Ville? Only it's not a horse? But an Elephant? Or not an elephant, but pizza?
Wait. I hate to reveal what an old timer around here I am, but has the ban on linking to Politico articles been lifted? Or did no one inform KBJ?
THE POLITICO has WON the end of the LINK BAN.
I think the ban vanished long ago due to the unending stream of humor Politico produces. More importantly, what of the fate of Wonkbot?
My money is still on Wonkbot having gone sentient and is now Barb. Especially since I have never gotten the nude photos I was promised.
My jet-pack is late in arriving, as well.
This could be like Tiananmen Square but with better outfits and drinks.
What, the Hobby Lobby is out of glitter??? Oh the horrors!!
“after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.”
Staffer 1: "Don't be so friggin' gay."
Staffer 2: "You're gay!"
Staffer 1: "Nuh uh… you're the homo."
Staffer 2: "So… you have sex with Newt Gingrich."
Staffer 1: "That's not fair! Mr. Cain…"
Didn't I already do this?
</confused>
Sorry… its my inner Chuck Norris…
(I glanced for a like comment but didn't think I would see one. I did however less than a minute ago… I did fist you in the upward direction)
I'll bet the memo on this campaign conondrum is like all of Old Herm's proposed legislation: it's < 3 pages in length and can be read at the dinner table.
Got to have a free schedule when "Project Runway" comes on.
Will the "Gingrich situation" become known as a Newtron bomb? (Kills the staffers but not the candidate).
When you get so many closets together, they're bound to rub against each other.
Needs moar meaty toppings!
I will say this. I never want to know if Herman's cain has a cheese filled crust!!
"swirling rumors (…) of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct"
Wait, isn't that our racket? What the hell!?
"Godfather's Pizza the perfect pizza for your gay pizza sexy time parties."
"…so much grease you won't need Vaseline!"
Hope Herman has a thick crust and can weather this situation anyway you slice it.
Actually, given his snipefest at Jon Stewart, I'd say Herman's crust is as thin as Parasailin's.
Look for the newest entry on urbandictionary.com, a phrase meaning "To be inside someone else while cancer is inside your wife." Also called a "Newt Gingrich Situation."
This seems appropriate, somehow. When Dems lose, we usually accuse the campaigns of failing to present a coherent message, or some other sort of incompetence. When R's lose, it's because they were STABBED IN THE BACK.
OK, except for Gingrich. That's just Pure Essence of Fail from top to bottom.
or stabbed in the ass.
I thought they were accusing each other of "professional conduct" which would never be allowed in a Republican campaign.
OT, but Tweetie just said, "Do you think the world isn't going to notice when the most powerful country in the world is just dicking around instead of paying its debts?"
1. Weiner: Tweets dick pix
2. Halperin: Characterizes the President of the United States as "a dick"
3. Matthews: Calls the United States of America a dick
It's a trend!
"Dick Nixon before he dicks you."
All of the Republicans running for president are the homosexuals, including BachMANN.
one more establishment puppet
Herman Cain will obey AIPAC orders
Herman Cain will protect the 911 cover-up
Herman Cain will obey Federal Reserve orders
No candidate ever brought so many different groups together in one place.
nader paul kucinich gravel mckinney baldwin ventura sheehan perot carter
Oh, those darned queers.
Someone should speak to Dorothy about her friends.
Really, this is where were at in 2011, everyone still worried who's sausage is stuffed in who's crust. Please wake me when someone in the republican party has a reality check.
I like pizza. I like pizza a lot. but Godfather's pizza is one of the very few that makes me feel like shit after I eat one. Does this mean I'm a racist or just intolerant of shitty ingredients?
I don't eat any chain pizza- so I think it is intolerance of grease.
lighten up francis.
I hope their resignation letters were less than 3 pages.
Lots of penetration going on inside the Cain Cabal. Get a hold of it Cain.
You know, there are probably more Muslims in Iowa than there are Black people.
I wasn't in Iowa long the last time -about 4 days in the summer. I saw a few darkskinned people near the University – but they appeared to be South or East Asians
such a shame. Herman would have been president if not for this unfortunate incident*
* and the fact that he's a stupid motherfucker.
And the fact that nobody supports him enough to, you know, actually send him money or anything.
The Herman Cain campaign has taught me that there truly is an Indigo Girls song for every occasion.
Good choice…I really don't see him ever being any Closer to Fine.
Ahhhhh!
Ron Reagan’s homosexual parties.
Now those were the day's.
Ridding big bronc's, if you know what I mean.
The stable boy's. The Big boy's. Hell, any boy.
S'cuse me while I wipe a tear.
You know? They don't call him Ray's-gun for nothing.
So Cain's been dipping into the Palin family meth stash?
Huh. I guess that does put Cain's new campaign video into some sort of context.
Thanks to you, I'll never be able to play MarioKart with the kidz, no more.
Yeah, for some reason, my kid is now afraid of Segways.
“Newt Gingrich situation.” : Kind of like relative humidity-you know, when the sweat off your balls is running down your Campaign Manager's taint.
Ahem. Ahem hmm hmm ahem. EVERY campaign is infiltrated by homosexuals. "Campaign staff" is a euphemism for "mostly closeted, but some not, homosexuals." Campaign staffers make The Village People look straight. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Its the drama, I think; a campaign is like community theater, in its special little way.
Gingrichflected
Comments on this entry are closed.