gay old party

Homosexual Mafia Infiltrating, Destroying Herman Cain Campaign

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there was this one time, at Herman Cain's campaign camp...Buried halfway through this rumor-heavy Politico INSIDE SCOOP about the implosion of Herman Cain’s campaign is one particularly fun piece of total hearsay alleging that Cain’s Iowa staff is crumbling “after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.” Yes, why hadn’t we thought of that before, it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate before this turns into another one of those gay Ronald Reagan Lake Tahoe sex parties from the sixties that made everyone think about naked Jack Kemp when he was Bob Dole’s running mate. If it hasn’t already, that is. 

Only in GOP circles is “I accuse” still such a fun sexytime game for closeted homosexual Republicans hanging out at Iowa political science camp that it could possibly rank up there with “professional misconduct” and “affairs” in destroying staff morale. Or maybe it does not, because it is just a rumor.

Is there a bright side? No, not really, but there’s this:

Earlier this week, after reports of [New Hampshire political director Matt] Murphy’s resignation surfaced, [Cain spokeswoman Ellen] Carmichael swatted down the idea that the campaign was in turmoil, in Iowa or elsewhere, noting that this isn’t a “Newt Gingrich situation.”

Haha, the gay mafia still cannot destroy Republican campaigns as well as Newt Gingrich. [Politico]

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    And all along I thought Herman Cain was really Lindsey Graham in disguise.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Yeah. Minstrel shows may be coming back.

  • http://www.burndownblog.com evan7257

    Our first gay black pizza president.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I wonder if Cain was ever called "Pizza face" as a youth.

    • user-of-owls

      Please, that's offensive. They prefer to be called Pepperoni-Americans.

  • nounverb911

    Did Cain send his gay staffers to Marcus Bachmannn to get "Cured"?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      From the infamous Iowa cornholing contest?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if it wasn't the homos, it would have been the Jews or the Mexicans. Just a matter of time.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Plenty of Somali & Bosnian Muslims in Iowa to blame, for Mr "I will administer a religion test for my appointees" Cain.

      • GOPCrusher

        And we allow gays to marry, so it was just a matter of time.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    isn’t a “Newt Gingrich situation.”

    The lowest bar is now set…

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      How long until 'Gingrich' becomes a verb?

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        "Swing and a Gingrich!"

      • gullywompr

        Gingriched with faint praise.

      • Geminisunmars

        He Gingriched his wife.

        • Veritas78

          "…but after Gingriching on opening night, he never worked on Broadway again."

          • Fukui_sanYesOta

            "Spider man: Gingrich the dark"

          • Negropolis

            Gingrichflected

      • genxr

        Don't Newt me, bro!

      • mourningnmerica

        "…Dude, I really fucking Gingriched that whole fucking situation…"

    • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

      We could get lower if Newt flashed his abs and said "we have a situation".

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    wiggling around excrement won't get you far in a campaign apparently

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Truth is, there was a falling out as to whether to order the staff pizzas with or without anchovies.

    "Oh my god, that bowling ball, it's my wife!"

    • ProgressiveInga

      Love STINKS, man.

    • Beowoof

      The did agree not to order from Godfather's.

    • zhubajie

      I forget which Iowa pizza chain offers sauerkraut and Canadian bacon pizza. Happy Joe's or something? Anyway, pizza joints in Iowa are a good place to introduce your toddler to drinking beer by the quart.

  • jus_wonderin

    Wasn't it Cain that invented the "meat lovers" pizza???

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      I think his contribution was the Saturated fat Lover's Pizza.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "Hawkeye for the Straight Guy"

      • horsedreamer_1

        The M.A.S.H. update was really just an excuse to get Alan Alda work, again.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm guessing Iowa has the least buff homos in the nation. But still, legally marriageable.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Don't blame Cain, Iowa farm boys are irresistible.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      The only difference between a farm boy and a bisexual is a couple of brewskis.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        And a sheep.

        • emmelemm

          Baaaa-sexual?

        • elviouslyqueer

          Iowa: where the men are men, the women are women, and the sheep are all scared shitless.

    • PristineODummy

      I can resist them just fine, thanks.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    What does Mr. Elaine Chao Mitch McConnell have to say?

    I believe he is the ranking closeted Republican.
    ~

    • jus_wonderin

      Wouldn't Mrs. Chao say "the wanking closeted Republican"?

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        She's a Dragon Lady, so she don't care.
        ~

    • horsedreamer_1

      Lots of daggers in the GOP cloak-room.

      • DahBoner

        And lots and lots of coat hangers!

        • horsedreamer_1

          Every ass-birth is sacred!

    • Larry McAwful

      Okay, so I'm not the only one who noticed that. Good. Sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind. I mean, I wouldn't say I've got "gaydar," but just like you don't need radar to find a mountain on a clear day, you don't need gaydar to find Mitch McConnell.

      • elviouslyqueer

        NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *inconsolable weeping*

        • PristineODummy

          I'm sorry, baby. No matter what we do, we just can't keep those yobs out.

  • nounverb911

    "it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate".
    How many careers did J. Edgar Hoover ruin?

    • Geminisunmars

      746570269_1598605

    • elviouslyqueer

      All of them, Ethel.

    • WhatTheHeck

      But J. Edgar ruined many a party dress when he cross-dressed for a night on the town.

    • zhubajie

      Probably lots!

  • mavenmaven

    Its the Man bringing him down… (the gay man…)

    • DashboardBuddha

      Or the seMen.

      • BloviateMe

        The SeMen agenda is going swimmingly.

      • PristineODummy

        Leave the Navy outa this!

  • bumfug

    Considering the goofy shit republicans will swallow, I don't know why they think a load of jizz is such a big deal.

  • MMathS

    Wait…Herman Cain had a New Hampshire Political Director?!

    • Larry McAwful

      Maybe. Or he might have been talking about the assistant manager at the Godfather's in Nashua. No one is sure.

  • SexySmurf

    Someone needs to make a Nailin' Palin-esque gay porno about Herman Cain's campaign. They could call it Risin' Cane.

    • widestanceroman

      Spermin' Cane if taste is not an issue.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      It would be the only twist to the pizza delivery set up since 1971 when the mustache first appeared.

    • FlipperAZ

      Memoir's of "a strong black man"

  • LabRodent

    The Gay Mafia probably got some cool Mob names………..like

    • Geminisunmars

      Tony the Tongue?

      • ProgressiveInga

        Toni the Tongue

        /fixed

      • BarryOPotter

        Laughed so hard I coughed up breakfast!

    • nounverb911

      Dick Nixon?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Big Pussy.

      Oh, wait.

    • GhostBuggy

      Cocktop? I hear Dick Tracy's THIS close to stuffing him in jail.

    • iburl

      Herman the Fur-man

    • LabRodent

      Vinny "You Go" Girlito

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      Karl Rove…uh, wait, you didn't read that!

      • elviouslyqueer

        DO NOT WANT.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Frankie the Flame.

    • SexySmurf

      Sammy "the Bull Dyke" Gravano?

    • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

      Mr. Pink?

      • mourningnmerica

        Fookin' Brilliant…

    • BloviateMe

      Sticky Dick?

    • SorosBot

      "Flannel" Maria Gambino.

    • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

      Bruno the Bear?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Fingers McWriggle.

    • Schmannnity

      Joe Bananas, RIP

    • user-of-owls

      Got some cool Mob names………..like is this generation's You know who else.

    • Negropolis

      Pussy Galore?

    • flamingpdog

      Rudy the Ghoul?

    • Negropolis

      Jimmy the Whacker? Dick Armey?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    So raising Cain has become a fairytale?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Why do I totally imagine this as a combination of South Park and grade school?

    Staffer 1: We could do a pizza where the ingredients spell "USA" and call it the "Freedom Pie"!
    Staffer 2: That's totally gay
    Staffer 1: You're gay
    Staffer 3: I'm reporting you both to Herman!
    Staffer 2: Only because you're gay for him.
    Staffer 3: Professional misconduct!

  • gullywompr

    Well, you you can't exactly toss around the racial epithets in the Cain campaign staff. They have to accuse each other of something.

    • PristineODummy

      Well, don't you think they went just a teensy bit overboard with all those accusations? I mean, "gay" by itself would've been just fine, but honestly! The sniping in the Hermanator's campaign is getting downright bitchy. And that mean, mean comment Herman's spokesweasel made about Newt! Girl, I haven't heard such trash talk since the last drag queen contest.

  • baconzgood

    FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • GhostBuggy

    In the new, Pizza America that is surely coming (har!), what will be the price for being accused of homosexuality? Will the punishment be President Cain topping your pizza himself?

    Well, I just made myself throw up a little.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      And that, class, is how new sex moves are named!

      • GhostBuggy

        But was it worth the haunting mental image I conjured up?…Yes. Yes, it was.

    • PsycWench

      I bet Cain is a bottom.

    • Negropolis

      Pizza topping? Genius!

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Is that the gay GOP elephant's trunk or is he happy to see me?

  • horsedreamer_1

    & the proprietors of Mons Venus just heaved a sigh of relief that their GOP convention business will not be hurt.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Sounds like he might have sampled a little too much Crazy Bread….

    • mourningnmerica

      Oh, my God !!! That's it, you've done it !! …Herman "Crazy Bread" Cain…

  • samsuncle

    Cain just can't seem to deliver.

    • Larry McAwful

      His staff doesn't seem to have much trouble with pickups, though.

  • DahBoner

    The Secret Homosexual Mafia Infiltrated the GOP long ago!

    If by "Secret Homosexual Mafia" you mean ordinary, everyday, closeted Gay Republicans:

    1989 News—Call boys in Bush Sr's Whitehouse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5OJPeHCmhA

    • horsedreamer_1

      Jeff Guckert was legal, then? (I thought he was a pretty young guy, even in 2003.)

      • DahBoner

        Did Jeff Guckert's Daddy accept credit cards? That was probably pretty new for hookers back in 1989.

        Like Father, like Son. On Earth as it is in Heaven…..

        • horsedreamer_1

          Reminds me of the Mango "origin story" sketch on late '99 SNL. Chris Kataan returned home to see his parents, with his father, also a showboy, named Guava (& played by Danny De Vito).

      • LetUsBray

        Speaking of Guckert, did we ever find out what, or who, he was doing in the Shrub White House?

        • PristineODummy

          I thought it was KKKarl. Or George and KKKarl.

  • jus_wonderin

    Can we name the elephant? Please?

    Noah?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Stampy!

    • Geminisunmars

      Loggy (short for Mr Log Cabin)?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Maximus.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

      Gotta be a Julian.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      "Noah" really means "Yessah"

    • elviouslyqueer

      Sissy.

      • ProgressiveInga

        Bud.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Pachy?

    • BloviateMe

      Trunk in da junk?

    • jus_wonderin

      I am appropriating this from poster fartknocker.

      Herm???

    • glamourdammerung

      Spanky.

    • ThundercatHo

      Harvey

    • Fare la Volpe

      Doesn't matter what his name was. As soon as he graduated he bleached his trunk blond and renamed himself "Cody."

    • user-of-owls
    • flamingpdog

      Gaybar the Elephant?

      Nah, I think he's Kenyan.

  • iburl

    I was afraid that the last word of the headline was going to be "booty" instead of "campaign".

    • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

      DO. NOT. WANT. TIMES A BILLION.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    A "Newt Gingrich Situation"? Is that like the Bowery Boys doin' "Routine Twelve, fellas!"?

    I can't imagine any homosexual agenda in a "Newt Gingrich Situation". It'd be more like a "I know your hands are weak and atrophied, but sign the dissolution agreement anyway."

  • DashboardBuddha

    Thank god Cain didn't run a chain of Asian restaurants.

    "Did you order the…Korean Beef?"

    • Callyson

      Or the Hot & Spicy Beef?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    The next time I burn my frozen Pizza, I'm blaming teh Gayz.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Herman Cain: ‘You don’t need foreign policy experience to know who your friends are and who your enemies are’
    ~

    • SenileAgitation

      Noah the gay elephant?

  • Callyson

    it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again.
    Can they please go to Boneheader's and Mittens' offices next? Then there's McConnell and Cantor to deal with, then…
    Please, gays, for the sake of us all we are begging you here…

    • PristineODummy

      I swear to deity, a faggot's work is never done.

  • pinkocommi

    Cain's staff members are accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct — or, in other words, engaging in Republitard foreplay.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Staff. Members. Hee hee hee.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else's rise to power was ruined by teh ghayez?

    • elviouslyqueer

      King Leonidas of Sparta?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Hmmmm. One could say the same about Xerxes.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      The Wicked Witch of the West?
      ~

      • elviouslyqueer

        Oh please, have you seen Margaret Hamilton? Her dick was bigger than Ann Coulter's.

    • nounverb911

      Lindsey Graham?

    • SorosBot

      The First Evil?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Alexander the really, really great?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Marcus Bachmann?

    • Geminisunmars

      You know, um, you know…ol' whats his name?

    • SayItWithWookies
    • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

      David Dreier. And seriously, thanks again for that one, gheys.

      Also, Mel Gibson. Also, for different reasons, Tom Cruise.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Dianne Feinstein?

    • PristineODummy

      Oh, well, everybody knows it was Hitler. I mean, Night of the Long Knives and everything, right? No?

    • thedeathofirony

      Tracy Morgan.

      But he was asking for it.

    • tcaalaw

      Everyone who was involved in the making of Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark?

  • Radiotherapy®

    His pizza was reminiscent of santorum.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Question for the day: How do you determine which of your Republican/Conservative/'bagger staff members is the homosexual, and which are married, have kids, and are successfully closeted homosexuals?

    • jus_wonderin

      A tanned ring finger and/or white pants, turquoise shirt and white mesh belt??

      • BerkeleyBear

        Shh – you can almost hear Rep Schock's closet creaking open to reveal even more fabulousness.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Closeted homosexuals think nothing about paying Elton John to perform at their wedding/funeral/anniversary/bar mitzvah, whereas true 'mos wouldn't be seen within 100 miles of that tacky, washed-up queen.

    • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

      Drop the soap?

  • SorosBot

    Nobody could have suspected a businessman who never ran for any political office before would put together a completely amateur and dysfunctional campaign staff.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Be fair, Cain only promised to discriminate against muslins. As long as they're XTIAN homos, they're home free.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So now that they've destroyed the institution of marriage, the gays are turning their sights on the GOP? Way to go, gays — get 'em!

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    It's more of a "Lindsey Graham Situation" than a "Newt Gingrich Situation."

  • Weenus299

    It's like this trojan horse? Into which lots of skirted fellas climbed up through its butt, and other skirted fellas rolled out to a beach, where the Cainenites wheeled in behind the walls of Cain Ville? Only it's not a horse? But an Elephant? Or not an elephant, but pizza?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait. I hate to reveal what an old timer around here I am, but has the ban on linking to Politico articles been lifted? Or did no one inform KBJ?

    • Come here a minute

      THE POLITICO has WON the end of the LINK BAN.

    • LiveToServeYa

      I think the ban vanished long ago due to the unending stream of humor Politico produces. More importantly, what of the fate of Wonkbot?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        My money is still on Wonkbot having gone sentient and is now Barb. Especially since I have never gotten the nude photos I was promised.

        • prommie

          My jet-pack is late in arriving, as well.

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Reagan Still Dead

    This could be like Tiananmen Square but with better outfits and drinks.

  • jus_wonderin

    What, the Hobby Lobby is out of glitter??? Oh the horrors!!

  • DaRooster

    “after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.”

    Staffer 1: "Don't be so friggin' gay."
    Staffer 2: "You're gay!"
    Staffer 1: "Nuh uh… you're the homo."
    Staffer 2: "So… you have sex with Newt Gingrich."
    Staffer 1: "That's not fair! Mr. Cain…"

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Didn't I already do this?

      </confused>

      • DaRooster

        Sorry… its my inner Chuck Norris…

        (I glanced for a like comment but didn't think I would see one. I did however less than a minute ago… I did fist you in the upward direction)

  • fartknocker

    I'll bet the memo on this campaign conondrum is like all of Old Herm's proposed legislation: it's < 3 pages in length and can be read at the dinner table.

    • tihond

      Got to have a free schedule when "Project Runway" comes on.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Will the "Gingrich situation" become known as a Newtron bomb? (Kills the staffers but not the candidate).

  • LiveToServeYa

    When you get so many closets together, they're bound to rub against each other.

  • ClydeMydia

    Needs moar meaty toppings!

  • jus_wonderin

    I will say this. I never want to know if Herman's cain has a cheese filled crust!!

  • Guppy06

    "swirling rumors (…) of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct"

    Wait, isn't that our racket? What the hell!?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    "Godfather's Pizza the perfect pizza for your gay pizza sexy time parties."

    • LetUsBray

      "…so much grease you won't need Vaseline!"

  • WhatTheHeck

    Hope Herman has a thick crust and can weather this situation anyway you slice it.

    • PristineODummy

      Actually, given his snipefest at Jon Stewart, I'd say Herman's crust is as thin as Parasailin's.

  • smitallica

    Look for the newest entry on urbandictionary.com, a phrase meaning "To be inside someone else while cancer is inside your wife." Also called a "Newt Gingrich Situation."

  • Doktor Zoom

    This seems appropriate, somehow. When Dems lose, we usually accuse the campaigns of failing to present a coherent message, or some other sort of incompetence. When R's lose, it's because they were STABBED IN THE BACK.

    OK, except for Gingrich. That's just Pure Essence of Fail from top to bottom.

    • flamingpdog

      or stabbed in the ass.

  • fletc3her

    I thought they were accusing each other of "professional conduct" which would never be allowed in a Republican campaign.

  • V572 [SSAN]

    OT, but Tweetie just said, "Do you think the world isn't going to notice when the most powerful country in the world is just dicking around instead of paying its debts?"

    1. Weiner: Tweets dick pix
    2. Halperin: Characterizes the President of the United States as "a dick"
    3. Matthews: Calls the United States of America a dick

    It's a trend!

    • flamingpdog

      "Dick Nixon before he dicks you."

  • thefrontpage

    All of the Republicans running for president are the homosexuals, including BachMANN.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    one more establishment puppet

    Herman Cain will obey AIPAC orders
    Herman Cain will protect the 911 cover-up
    Herman Cain will obey Federal Reserve orders

    No candidate ever brought so many different groups together in one place.
    nader paul kucinich gravel mckinney baldwin ventura sheehan perot carter

  • Barrelhse

    Oh, those darned queers.
    Someone should speak to Dorothy about her friends.

  • Beowoof

    Really, this is where were at in 2011, everyone still worried who's sausage is stuffed in who's crust. Please wake me when someone in the republican party has a reality check.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I like pizza. I like pizza a lot. but Godfather's pizza is one of the very few that makes me feel like shit after I eat one. Does this mean I'm a racist or just intolerant of shitty ingredients?

    • finallyhappy

      I don't eat any chain pizza- so I think it is intolerance of grease.

  • fuflans

    lighten up francis.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I hope their resignation letters were less than 3 pages.

  • voodooeconomics

    Lots of penetration going on inside the Cain Cabal. Get a hold of it Cain.

  • zhubajie

    You know, there are probably more Muslims in Iowa than there are Black people.

    • finallyhappy

      I wasn't in Iowa long the last time -about 4 days in the summer. I saw a few darkskinned people near the University – but they appeared to be South or East Asians

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    such a shame. Herman would have been president if not for this unfortunate incident*

    * and the fact that he's a stupid motherfucker.

    • PristineODummy

      And the fact that nobody supports him enough to, you know, actually send him money or anything.

  • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    The Herman Cain campaign has taught me that there truly is an Indigo Girls song for every occasion.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Good choice…I really don't see him ever being any Closer to Fine.

  • Warpde

    Ahhhhh!
    Ron Reagan’s homosexual parties.
    Now those were the day's.
    Ridding big bronc's, if you know what I mean.
    The stable boy's. The Big boy's. Hell, any boy.

    S'cuse me while I wipe a tear.

    You know? They don't call him Ray's-gun for nothing.

  • Redhead

    So Cain's been dipping into the Palin family meth stash?

  • Doktor Zoom

    Huh. I guess that does put Cain's new campaign video into some sort of context.

    • flamingpdog

      Thanks to you, I'll never be able to play MarioKart with the kidz, no more.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Yeah, for some reason, my kid is now afraid of Segways.

  • ttommyunger

    “Newt Gingrich situation.” : Kind of like relative humidity-you know, when the sweat off your balls is running down your Campaign Manager's taint.

  • prommie

    Ahem. Ahem hmm hmm ahem. EVERY campaign is infiltrated by homosexuals. "Campaign staff" is a euphemism for "mostly closeted, but some not, homosexuals." Campaign staffers make The Village People look straight. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Its the drama, I think; a campaign is like community theater, in its special little way.

  • Limeylizzie

    We call her Grammy, really just put a bonnet on her and you've got Irene Ryan.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, I dunno about Irene Ryan. I rather think Yertle McTurtle rather favors Miss Jane Hathaway.

  • GOPCrusher

    Don't besmirch the good name of Irene Ryan.