gay old party

Homosexual Mafia Infiltrating, Destroying Herman Cain Campaign

there was this one time, at Herman Cain's campaign camp...Buried halfway through this rumor-heavy Politico INSIDE SCOOP about the implosion of Herman Cain’s campaign is one particularly fun piece of total hearsay alleging that Cain’s Iowa staff is crumbling “after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.” Yes, why hadn’t we thought of that before, it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate before this turns into another one of those gay Ronald Reagan Lake Tahoe sex parties from the sixties that made everyone think about naked Jack Kemp when he was Bob Dole’s running mate. If it hasn’t already, that is. 

Only in GOP circles is “I accuse” still such a fun sexytime game for closeted homosexual Republicans hanging out at Iowa political science camp that it could possibly rank up there with “professional misconduct” and “affairs” in destroying staff morale. Or maybe it does not, because it is just a rumor.

Is there a bright side? No, not really, but there’s this:

Earlier this week, after reports of [New Hampshire political director Matt] Murphy’s resignation surfaced, [Cain spokeswoman Ellen] Carmichael swatted down the idea that the campaign was in turmoil, in Iowa or elsewhere, noting that this isn’t a “Newt Gingrich situation.”

Haha, the gay mafia still cannot destroy Republican campaigns as well as Newt Gingrich. [Politico]

What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

217 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if it wasn't the homos, it would have been the Jews or the Mexicans. Just a matter of time.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Plenty of Somali & Bosnian Muslims in Iowa to blame, for Mr "I will administer a religion test for my appointees" Cain.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Truth is, there was a falling out as to whether to order the staff pizzas with or without anchovies.

    "Oh my god, that bowling ball, it's my wife!"

    1. zhubajie

      I forget which Iowa pizza chain offers sauerkraut and Canadian bacon pizza. Happy Joe's or something? Anyway, pizza joints in Iowa are a good place to introduce your toddler to drinking beer by the quart.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        The M.A.S.H. update was really just an excuse to get Alan Alda work, again.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm guessing Iowa has the least buff homos in the nation. But still, legally marriageable.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Iowa: where the men are men, the women are women, and the sheep are all scared shitless.

    1. Larry McAwful

      Okay, so I'm not the only one who noticed that. Good. Sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind. I mean, I wouldn't say I've got "gaydar," but just like you don't need radar to find a mountain on a clear day, you don't need gaydar to find Mitch McConnell.

  3. nounverb911

    "it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again. So now the FBI will probably have to go investigate".
    How many careers did J. Edgar Hoover ruin?

    1. WhatTheHeck

      But J. Edgar ruined many a party dress when he cross-dressed for a night on the town.

  4. bumfug

    Considering the goofy shit republicans will swallow, I don't know why they think a load of jizz is such a big deal.

    1. Larry McAwful

      Maybe. Or he might have been talking about the assistant manager at the Godfather's in Nashua. No one is sure.

  5. SexySmurf

    Someone needs to make a Nailin' Palin-esque gay porno about Herman Cain's campaign. They could call it Risin' Cane.

    1. user-of-owls

      Got some cool Mob names………..like is this generation's You know who else.

  6. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Why do I totally imagine this as a combination of South Park and grade school?

    Staffer 1: We could do a pizza where the ingredients spell "USA" and call it the "Freedom Pie"!
    Staffer 2: That's totally gay
    Staffer 1: You're gay
    Staffer 3: I'm reporting you both to Herman!
    Staffer 2: Only because you're gay for him.
    Staffer 3: Professional misconduct!

  7. gullywompr

    Well, you you can't exactly toss around the racial epithets in the Cain campaign staff. They have to accuse each other of something.

    1. PristineODummy

      Well, don't you think they went just a teensy bit overboard with all those accusations? I mean, "gay" by itself would've been just fine, but honestly! The sniping in the Hermanator's campaign is getting downright bitchy. And that mean, mean comment Herman's spokesweasel made about Newt! Girl, I haven't heard such trash talk since the last drag queen contest.

  8. GhostBuggy

    In the new, Pizza America that is surely coming (har!), what will be the price for being accused of homosexuality? Will the punishment be President Cain topping your pizza himself?

    Well, I just made myself throw up a little.

  9. horsedreamer_1

    & the proprietors of Mons Venus just heaved a sigh of relief that their GOP convention business will not be hurt.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Oh, my God !!! That's it, you've done it !! …Herman "Crazy Bread" Cain…

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Jeff Guckert was legal, then? (I thought he was a pretty young guy, even in 2003.)

      1. DahBoner

        Did Jeff Guckert's Daddy accept credit cards? That was probably pretty new for hookers back in 1989.

        Like Father, like Son. On Earth as it is in Heaven…..

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Reminds me of the Mango "origin story" sketch on late '99 SNL. Chris Kataan returned home to see his parents, with his father, also a showboy, named Guava (& played by Danny De Vito).

      2. LetUsBray

        Speaking of Guckert, did we ever find out what, or who, he was doing in the Shrub White House?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Doesn't matter what his name was. As soon as he graduated he bleached his trunk blond and renamed himself "Cody."

  10. iburl

    I was afraid that the last word of the headline was going to be "booty" instead of "campaign".

  11. KeepFnThatChicken

    A "Newt Gingrich Situation"? Is that like the Bowery Boys doin' "Routine Twelve, fellas!"?

    I can't imagine any homosexual agenda in a "Newt Gingrich Situation". It'd be more like a "I know your hands are weak and atrophied, but sign the dissolution agreement anyway."

  12. DashboardBuddha

    Thank god Cain didn't run a chain of Asian restaurants.

    "Did you order the…Korean Beef?"

  13. Callyson

    it was the homosexuals, ruining everyone’s political careers again.
    Can they please go to Boneheader's and Mittens' offices next? Then there's McConnell and Cantor to deal with, then…
    Please, gays, for the sake of us all we are begging you here…

  14. pinkocommi

    Cain's staff members are accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct — or, in other words, engaging in Republitard foreplay.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Oh please, have you seen Margaret Hamilton? Her dick was bigger than Ann Coulter's.

    1. PristineODummy

      Oh, well, everybody knows it was Hitler. I mean, Night of the Long Knives and everything, right? No?

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Question for the day: How do you determine which of your Republican/Conservative/'bagger staff members is the homosexual, and which are married, have kids, and are successfully closeted homosexuals?

    1. jus_wonderin

      A tanned ring finger and/or white pants, turquoise shirt and white mesh belt??

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Shh – you can almost hear Rep Schock's closet creaking open to reveal even more fabulousness.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Closeted homosexuals think nothing about paying Elton John to perform at their wedding/funeral/anniversary/bar mitzvah, whereas true 'mos wouldn't be seen within 100 miles of that tacky, washed-up queen.

  16. SorosBot

    Nobody could have suspected a businessman who never ran for any political office before would put together a completely amateur and dysfunctional campaign staff.

  17. Swampgas_Man

    Be fair, Cain only promised to discriminate against muslins. As long as they're XTIAN homos, they're home free.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    So now that they've destroyed the institution of marriage, the gays are turning their sights on the GOP? Way to go, gays — get 'em!

  19. Weenus299

    It's like this trojan horse? Into which lots of skirted fellas climbed up through its butt, and other skirted fellas rolled out to a beach, where the Cainenites wheeled in behind the walls of Cain Ville? Only it's not a horse? But an Elephant? Or not an elephant, but pizza?

  20. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait. I hate to reveal what an old timer around here I am, but has the ban on linking to Politico articles been lifted? Or did no one inform KBJ?

    1. LiveToServeYa

      I think the ban vanished long ago due to the unending stream of humor Politico produces. More importantly, what of the fate of Wonkbot?

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        My money is still on Wonkbot having gone sentient and is now Barb. Especially since I have never gotten the nude photos I was promised.

  21. DaRooster

    “after weeks of swirling rumors between Cain’s staff and volunteers in the Hawkeye State accusing each other of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct.”

    Staffer 1: "Don't be so friggin' gay."
    Staffer 2: "You're gay!"
    Staffer 1: "Nuh uh… you're the homo."
    Staffer 2: "So… you have sex with Newt Gingrich."
    Staffer 1: "That's not fair! Mr. Cain…"

      1. DaRooster

        Sorry… its my inner Chuck Norris…

        (I glanced for a like comment but didn't think I would see one. I did however less than a minute ago… I did fist you in the upward direction)

  22. fartknocker

    I'll bet the memo on this campaign conondrum is like all of Old Herm's proposed legislation: it's < 3 pages in length and can be read at the dinner table.

  23. Slim_Pickins

    Will the "Gingrich situation" become known as a Newtron bomb? (Kills the staffers but not the candidate).

  24. LiveToServeYa

    When you get so many closets together, they're bound to rub against each other.

  25. jus_wonderin

    I will say this. I never want to know if Herman's cain has a cheese filled crust!!

  26. Guppy06

    "swirling rumors (…) of affairs, homosexuality and professional misconduct"

    Wait, isn't that our racket? What the hell!?

  27. WhatTheHeck

    Hope Herman has a thick crust and can weather this situation anyway you slice it.

    1. PristineODummy

      Actually, given his snipefest at Jon Stewart, I'd say Herman's crust is as thin as Parasailin's.

  28. smitallica

    Look for the newest entry on urbandictionary.com, a phrase meaning "To be inside someone else while cancer is inside your wife." Also called a "Newt Gingrich Situation."

  29. Doktor Zoom

    This seems appropriate, somehow. When Dems lose, we usually accuse the campaigns of failing to present a coherent message, or some other sort of incompetence. When R's lose, it's because they were STABBED IN THE BACK.

    OK, except for Gingrich. That's just Pure Essence of Fail from top to bottom.

  30. fletc3her

    I thought they were accusing each other of "professional conduct" which would never be allowed in a Republican campaign.

  31. V572 [SSAN]

    OT, but Tweetie just said, "Do you think the world isn't going to notice when the most powerful country in the world is just dicking around instead of paying its debts?"

    1. Weiner: Tweets dick pix
    2. Halperin: Characterizes the President of the United States as "a dick"
    3. Matthews: Calls the United States of America a dick

    It's a trend!

  32. thefrontpage

    All of the Republicans running for president are the homosexuals, including BachMANN.

  33. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    one more establishment puppet

    Herman Cain will obey AIPAC orders
    Herman Cain will protect the 911 cover-up
    Herman Cain will obey Federal Reserve orders

    No candidate ever brought so many different groups together in one place.
    nader paul kucinich gravel mckinney baldwin ventura sheehan perot carter

  34. Beowoof

    Really, this is where were at in 2011, everyone still worried who's sausage is stuffed in who's crust. Please wake me when someone in the republican party has a reality check.

  35. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I like pizza. I like pizza a lot. but Godfather's pizza is one of the very few that makes me feel like shit after I eat one. Does this mean I'm a racist or just intolerant of shitty ingredients?

  36. voodooeconomics

    Lots of penetration going on inside the Cain Cabal. Get a hold of it Cain.

    1. finallyhappy

      I wasn't in Iowa long the last time -about 4 days in the summer. I saw a few darkskinned people near the University – but they appeared to be South or East Asians

  37. HobbesEvilTwin

    such a shame. Herman would have been president if not for this unfortunate incident*

    * and the fact that he's a stupid motherfucker.

    1. PristineODummy

      And the fact that nobody supports him enough to, you know, actually send him money or anything.

  38. Warpde

    Ahhhhh!
    Ron Reagan’s homosexual parties.
    Now those were the day's.
    Ridding big bronc's, if you know what I mean.
    The stable boy's. The Big boy's. Hell, any boy.

    S'cuse me while I wipe a tear.

    You know? They don't call him Ray's-gun for nothing.

  39. ttommyunger

    “Newt Gingrich situation.” : Kind of like relative humidity-you know, when the sweat off your balls is running down your Campaign Manager's taint.

  40. prommie

    Ahem. Ahem hmm hmm ahem. EVERY campaign is infiltrated by homosexuals. "Campaign staff" is a euphemism for "mostly closeted, but some not, homosexuals." Campaign staffers make The Village People look straight. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Its the drama, I think; a campaign is like community theater, in its special little way.

  41. Limeylizzie

    We call her Grammy, really just put a bonnet on her and you've got Irene Ryan.

Comments are closed.