RECKLESS SPECULATION  1:32 pm July 5, 2011

Washington Forcing Jews To Merge With Mexicans, Against Republicans

by Blair Burke

America's new sombrero.America was founded upon dusty Old Testament scrolls handed down from the Heavens by Jesus and the cowboys. And then the Jews came, as prophesied, and turned Washington into their surrogate Promised Land, and they have ruled ever since. Luckily for poor, uneducated and underrepresented Christian Patriots, Jewish interests mesh exactly with those of the unemployed American Heartland. But no longer! Indeed, according to CNN, “The following may cheer those who complain that Jews exercise too much influence in the American political system.” So, if you are someone who wants the Jews to quit having jobs in D.C., then this is your lucky day. Or is it?

CNN reports, antisemitically:

“The massive overrepresentation of Jews on Capitol Hill, long a source of pride for the community, has been shrinking in recent years and could drop in the coming election cycle from 41 to the mid 30s, a level last seen 15 years ago,” Nathan Guttman recently wrote in The Forward, the Jewish newspaper.

Perhaps a golden age of sorts is coming to an end.

All of the Jews are just disappearing from Capitol Hill — “all of the Jews” referring to, of course, Jane Harman and Anthony Weiner, who left to find a new job and find love by sexting on the Twitter, respectively. And also there are “concerns.”

When Republicans are ascendant, such as in the 2010 election, the Democrats lose seats, including those held by Jews. Indeed, seven Jewish lawmakers lost seats in the last cycle. Already there are concerns that redrawing the lines of congressional districts in California will eliminate a House seat currently held by a Jewish Democrat. Of course, Democratic fortunes in 2012 will hinge, in part, on the strength of President Barack Obama’s electoral coattails.

But the Founding Fathers are not high-fiving John the Baptist in their graves just yet, because all this meaningless speculation is really just a sign that it’s time to pair up with the Messicans!

Reports Guttman: “Changing demographic realities are pushing Jewish activists to seek a political partnership with Latinos, America’s fastest-growing minority group, for help in supporting the U.S.-Israel relationship.”

The Zionist Mexicans will take back Israel and then Obama will win forever, the end. [CNN]

 

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{ 164 comments }

TrotskysAxe July 5, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Time to redecorate with Taco Bell tchotchkes.

PristineODummy July 5, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Jeezus, that must be some damn fine herb, because I read that as "time to redecorate Taco Bell with tchotchkes." Which I don't think the Messicans like the same kind of tchotchkes, if you get my drift.

Lascauxcaveman July 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Der Judenlobbi ist kaput.

And we haven't even started making them wear special badges, yet.

chilequiles July 5, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Ich sehe was du hast es getan.

Lascauxcaveman July 5, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Ich habe nur dies getan.

PsycWench July 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

DC restaurants are working on a recipe for salsa bagels even as we speak.

fartknocker July 5, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Einstein's Bagels has a jalapeno bagel with a schmear of salsa sour scream. It's very tasty.

I always wash it down with a Diet Coke.

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:45 pm

"salsa sour scream"

Either that's a typo, or that's some *very* hot salsa.

neiltheblaze July 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Bagels with jalapeno cream cheese is a wonderful example of what can happen in the culinary melting pot that is America. Diversity makes us stronger!

Rosie_Scenario July 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Eric Cantor Libel.

SexySmurf July 5, 2011 at 1:37 pm

The good news is that they still control the banks, Hollywood, and the weather.

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:45 pm

???
I thought that was the Stonecutters.

PsycWench July 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I note that there is no speculation about more Jews becoming Republican. The chosen people have standards.

Fare la Volpe July 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Even Cantor admits it.

guangho July 5, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Damned right we do. Tacos and desert living, fine. Dollar menus and sham capitalism built on hating people who can read, no.

bumfug July 5, 2011 at 1:39 pm

The Jews will really piss off the righties if they teach Mexicans how to part the waters and cross over.

Lascauxcaveman July 5, 2011 at 1:42 pm

(cue old Jewish guy complaining that the beaners and schwartzes are all too lazy swim now are they?)

Terry July 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm

There's a big drought in Texas. No need to part the Rio Grande, just roll your pant legs up to the knee.

JoeHoya July 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

When Romney is elected, Mormons will be the new Jews.

OneDollarJuana July 5, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Can we find them a nice little country in the Mideast to send them off to?

genxr July 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

We can call this new country "AfPak"

chilequiles July 5, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Mormon Fact of the Day: Did you know that Mormons also refer to "non-believers" as gentiles? Take THAT Jews! Stealin yer lingo. I wonder if that makes Jews gentiles from their PoV. Hrm…

glamourdammerung July 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

They also baptized Holocaust victims posthumously. And Hitler as well.

PristineODummy July 5, 2011 at 9:41 pm

They probably baptized all our parents posthumously. It's what they do. Really annoying and stupid.

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:46 pm

"When Romney is elected, Mormons will be the new Jews."

Then who will be the new Mormons?

JoeHoya July 5, 2011 at 10:51 pm

My money's on the Scientologists.

Fare la Volpe July 5, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Taco Bell just introduced the NEW Kosher Bacon Cheese Latke Gordita™

horsedreamer_1 July 5, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Turkey bacon, I'm assuming. Or tofu bacon.

Those would be Kosher, I assume.

Fare la Volpe July 5, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Especially with a side of Shrimp Poppers.

Negropolis July 5, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Oh, and fried clam strips. Mmmmm….

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Turkey bacon might be kosher by itself, but the addition of cheese (dairy) makes it Trayfe, and I don't mean the youngest Palin.

guangho July 5, 2011 at 3:18 pm

That menu item is too gruesome to contemplate yet too fascinating not to.

edgydrifter July 5, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Jews are disappearing from the halls of DC.
Mexicans are disappearing from the fields of Georgia.
Why, it's basically the same thing!

pukebot July 5, 2011 at 1:42 pm

the chosen juans?

weejee July 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

The chosen beans?

chilequiles July 5, 2011 at 1:57 pm

have my babies

horsedreamer_1 July 5, 2011 at 2:27 pm

This is Good News… for Juan Epstein.

AJWjr. July 5, 2011 at 3:52 pm

That sweathog was way ahead of his time.
//signed Epstein's Mother.

WhatTheHeck July 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm

MUY Bueno.
Jesus y Jesus works in both languages. Also.

elviouslyqueer July 5, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Olé vey!

Doktor Zoom July 5, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Ay-yi-yi gevalt!

Pragmatist2 July 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Does this mean we will start shipping F-15s to Mexico? If so, that border fence thing ain't looking so promising.

Terry July 5, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The ATF apparently sent drug lords in northern Mexico a whole slew of guns already.

AJWjr. July 5, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I thought you typed F-150s, which are already made in Mexico.

V572 [SSAN] July 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Certainly the most important neighborhood demographic is religion, followed by national-origin-of-grandparents, followed by skin color, followed by party affiliation. Oh yeah, income is nice too.

This is how urban planning is done, people!

JoshuaNorton July 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Mmmmm. Matzah tacos.

bumfug July 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Did you ever try to fold matzoh?

OneDollarJuana July 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Tacos al rabbi.

Weenus299 July 5, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Macohs.

chilequiles July 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Tacos al carbon-dated dead sea scrolls? No?

finallyhappy July 5, 2011 at 8:09 pm

There was a passover taco kit one year- it must have been disgusting because it never apppeared again and there are plenty of bad Passover foods that reappear every year

PristineODummy July 5, 2011 at 9:43 pm

No, man, matzo ball albondigas.

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Lox and onion burrito?
*that sounds not half bad, actually*

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 5, 2011 at 1:47 pm

If we could only get more Christian politicians to tweat pictures of their dicks, balance would be restored.

Of course, most Christian politicians don't have dicks worth tweating.

imissopus July 5, 2011 at 1:55 pm

They post those pics in the craigslist M4M section.

Fare la Volpe July 5, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Holder is finally investigating the Jews for doing 9/11.

JustPixelz July 5, 2011 at 2:14 pm

'Cause everyone knows the A-rabs couldn't have done it. They like us too much.

ProudLibunatic July 5, 2011 at 5:10 pm

There is a problem here, Volpe.
This Aryan Nation crazy dude was on NPR last night, and he matter-of-factly stated something that we all know (of course): Barack Obama is a Jew.
WTF?!
I thought he was a Muslin!!

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:51 pm

"Barack Obama is a Jew.
WTF?!
I thought he was a Muslin!!"

Barack Obama IS a muslin. That guy was confusing him with his evil twin cousin, Baruch Obramowitz, who is a Jew.

weejee July 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Geminisunmars July 5, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Our new national anthem.

Lionel[redacted]Esq July 5, 2011 at 1:50 pm

It is interesting that the article seems to think that the electoral success of a half-breed Muslim will be the key to Jewish success. So, will the Jews be pushing for the new Caliphate and Sharia as hard as Obama is?

arihaya July 5, 2011 at 1:50 pm

what? they will force Americans to eat nothing but Kosher Tacos forever ?

weejee July 5, 2011 at 2:05 pm

What are you going to skip the faux dead beast or the cheesy cheese?

zappadoo76 July 5, 2011 at 1:53 pm

What happens when you cross a Jew with a Mexican?

Click here.

fuflans July 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

thank god we have wikipedia.

ProudLibunatic July 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Better food?

(For the Jews, I mean. Not the Mexicans.)

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Oh! I know this one!
A lawyer who…
Oh.
You were serious.

ManchuCandidate July 5, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Will this new alliance be known as the His-brew or Jew-anics?

PubOption July 5, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Why not Ladinos?

PuckStopsHere July 5, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Eric Cantor still hasn't gotten over the Kristallnacht at his office during the last election cycle. Never forget!

Goonemeritus July 5, 2011 at 1:54 pm

It seems to me that the level of Jewish representation isn’t the problem. What keeps me up at nights is the number of morons of the hillbilly variety.

LabRodent July 5, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Jesus or Jesus.

OneDollarJuana July 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

So, if Latinos are the new Jews, and a new wall is built to keep out the infidels, doesn't that make us the Palestinians?

AJWjr. July 5, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Well, Palestinians are considered to be la cucarachas by the rest of the Arab world.

Sue4466 July 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

The Jews aligning with the Mexicans . . . hmmm . . . could be onto something here . . . people aligning based on shared interests and ignoring the contrived and easily exploited racial/ethnic/gender/religious/sexuality divisions the GOP thrives on.

Nope. Won't ever work.

phlox✔ July 5, 2011 at 1:57 pm

A Bris kit with mohel sauce for all!

Geminisunmars July 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Wow. A double double pun. Niiiiicccce.

DaSandman July 5, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I dunno about the politics but the culinary possibilties are mouth watering.

Wait, wait… how do you say "You goddam kids, get off my lawn" in Spanish?

weejee July 5, 2011 at 2:07 pm

אתם ילדים מחורבן, לרדת הדשא שלי, olé

ProudLibunatic July 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Mmmm…matzah ball posole.

SorosBot July 5, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Finally, the Jews may stop oppressing the Christians, and we may no longer face such religious discrimination as federal holidays on Rosh Hashanah and om Kippur, liquor stores being closed on Saturdays, the use of the Torah as the standard for legal swearings, or the giant menorah displays on public property at Hanukkah.

JustPixelz July 5, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Plus no booze sales on Saturday.

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:55 pm

And that goddamn "Happy Holidays" bullshit.

Weenus299 July 5, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Kahlo, Trotsky, 9/11.

mumbly_joe July 5, 2011 at 2:03 pm

You know who else thought the Jews exercised too much influence over the political syst- oh jeez this is just too easy.

PuckStopsHere July 5, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Richard Nixon?

Veritas78 July 5, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Pat Buchanan?

Veritas78 July 5, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Kramer?

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:56 pm

"Pat Buchanan"

Really?
Then why did all the old Jews in Florida vote for him in 2000?

GOPCrusher July 5, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Mel Gibson?

Veritas78 July 5, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Lynn Forester de Rothschild? The Everly Brothers? Redd Foxx?

horsedreamer_1 July 5, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Haaretz?

reliefsinn July 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

There once was a man name of Beck
Who loved to spout drivel and dreck
He said on the news,
The problems the Jews!
And when dead, when directly to heck

genxr July 5, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Anyone wearing an "I'm A Racist" t-shirt?

KeepFnThatChicken July 5, 2011 at 2:03 pm

You know who else watched idly as Jews left the government in droves?

Gopherit July 5, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Moses?

Veritas78 July 5, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Sacco & Vanzetti?

PuckStopsHere July 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Pontius Pilate?

Veritas78 July 5, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Dreyfus?

Geminisunmars July 5, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Pontius Pilate?
Sorry Puck. I hadn't refreshed. BTW, clearly you are brilliant.

GOPCrusher July 5, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Torquemada?

Veritas78 July 5, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Pope Pius XII? Branch Rickey? The Blind Boys of Alabama?

horsedreamer_1 July 5, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Abe Saperstein?

BaldarTFlagass July 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Usually, though, the Mexicans only have to wander in the Chihuahuan or Sonoran desert for 40 days before either being delivered to the promised land, being apprehended and sent back home, or dying of exposure.

guangho July 5, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Yes but time is marvelously elastic. Those 40 days can easily feel like 40 years.

FNMA July 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Is this good news for Mel Gibson, or not?

Gopherit July 5, 2011 at 2:05 pm

a tortilla will substitute for a yarmulke in a pinch.

x111e7thst July 5, 2011 at 2:07 pm

We will always have Joementum.

JustPixelz July 5, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I live in CT and can see the Joementum outside my window.

x111e7thst July 5, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Still better than having Santorum on your window I suppose.

AJWjr. July 5, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Joséntum.

arihaya July 5, 2011 at 2:08 pm

it must be hard for Eric Cantor, having to do all the jobs as the chairman, secretary and spokesman for Jewish Republican Caucus.

And also for Marco Rubio with his Hispanic Republican Caucus

elviouslyqueer July 5, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Oy, that Cantor, such a señor schmendrick. And that Rubio, he's nothing but a meshugeh cholo schmuck.

Gopherit July 5, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Waiting for the most inappropriate holocaust comment ever in 3…..2….

JustPixelz July 5, 2011 at 2:21 pm

which one is the most inappropriate? All of them Katie.

mourningnmerica July 5, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Four minutes till tot mom verdict. Boy, it doesn't get much better than this. My life has meaning.

SorosBot July 5, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I keep hearing people in my office talking about some verdict – is that what this is? Whatever case they're talking about is one I've never heard before, and it makes me feel good for avoiding the TV news except Maddow and The Daily Show.

Lucidamente1 July 5, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I dunno, Benjamin Netanyahu seemed to do just fine on Capitol Hill.

DerrickWildcat July 5, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Chaim Garcia de la Vegas liked this post.

Doktor Zoom July 5, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Oh, like the number of Jews in Congress matters to the Zionist Occupation Government anyway. That's all window dressing, and our Secret Puppetmaster Overlords probably just decided that shedding a few of the "elected" tribalists might be useful to make the sheeple think that their influence is waning. Make no mistake, the REAL power lies behind the scenes, where the Bilderberg group plots and schemes along with its reptilian allies. Also the Trilateral Commission, the Illuminati, and the useful idiots at Cleveland Power and Light.

(Wow, this shit is ridiculously easy to write…wonder if Alex Jones is hiring?)

reliefsinn July 5, 2011 at 4:25 pm

You mean to say our Muslin Prezident is in cahoots with the Zionists, along with the Trilateral Commission?
Who said these people couldn't get along?

zhubajie July 5, 2011 at 9:36 pm

John Haggee is the secret Pope of the US!

Radiotherapy® July 5, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Don't worry my tribe friends, there is no shortage of Jews in teabagger land. Krauthammer,
Savage, Kristol, Goldberg, Cantor, Levin, etc.

Geminisunmars July 5, 2011 at 2:43 pm

You had to go and spoil my day, didn't you.

GeneralLerong July 5, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Uh-oh, what's the percentage of Jews here:

Palinbot Vengeance List

Bill Kristol's appearance is 'way mucho ironic, si?

PuckStopsHere July 5, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Know what you get when you cross a Jew and a Mexican? Somebody too lazy to run a movie studio.

anniegetyerfun July 5, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Either that, or one that takes all of the good Hollywood jerbs! Jewbs?

Fukui_sanYesOta July 5, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Juall Street?

DahBoner July 5, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Oddly enough, the Jews don't even like Mexicans.

This is why you don't see many Mexicans sneaking into Israel….

anniegetyerfun July 5, 2011 at 2:19 pm

“The following may cheer those who complain that Jews exercise too much influence in the American political system.”

Wait, didn't CNN fire a Mexican for saying exactly that?

horsedreamer_1 July 5, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Former Marlin & Red Sock Mike Lowell doesn't know whether to be offended you denied his fellow Cuban-American his nationality, or pleased you remembered said reporter's slur against Lowell's tribe.

anniegetyerfun July 5, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Sorry, I should have said "messican" to make my intention clearer.

fuflans July 5, 2011 at 2:25 pm

jews come to DC, jews go. who can explain it?

mourningnmerica July 5, 2011 at 2:26 pm

The Chorizan People.

mavenmaven July 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Sorry, but the Jewish-Latin thing is a very old story http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5wg07uelQI (by the way, if you can get your hands on the full album, its totally brilliant).

Geminisunmars July 5, 2011 at 2:46 pm

That made me want to shake my tuchus.

OneYieldRegular July 5, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I will never be able to get beyond the first sentence of that piece.

Guppy06 July 5, 2011 at 2:56 pm

But Republicans totally heart Israel! They just wish all the heathen Jews would get the message and move there "voluntarily" already.

prommie July 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm

The legislative branch, meh, small potatoes, when your lobby controls Defense pretty much completely.

ttommyunger July 5, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I, for one, welcome our new Gentile Overlords!

MarionNYNY July 5, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Juan Epstein is getting ready to make a comeback.
(No one under 45 will get that.)

freddymcmurray July 6, 2011 at 3:30 am

I think you mean 35.

Signed,
Epstein's 40 yr old brother.

mourningnmerica July 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

This is good news. I was getting so tired of Jew on Mexican violence.

mourningnmerica July 5, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I'm not clear on this. If the Jews and Mexicans get together, should I show up on time or late for meetings with them?

thefrontpage July 5, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Oy vey, bubbala, I've been wondering, spritzing even, why the U.S. House Cafeteria has been serving up less and less matzoh ball soup, gefilte fish, chopped liver, lox, whitefish, herring and bagels recently! Oy, I'm telling you!

–U.S. Rep. Murray Schlomo Goldsteinbergman
New York Democrat, Brooklyn and Staten Island

guangho July 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Staten Island? Really now.

thefrontpage July 5, 2011 at 4:16 pm

But there's still plenty of Jewish rock stars–David Lee Roth, Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon and Ted Nugent, who converted.

AJWjr. July 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I understand the quince-mitzvah planners are like totally swamped this season.

genxr July 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Today we celebrate the miracle of Chalupakka, when one burrito produced a fart that burned for 12 nights.

I've eaten there, it's good.

mumbly_joe July 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Sangria Libel!

deanbooth July 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Muzzle Tov!

alaninthecastro July 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm

This story's narrative thread was very hard to follow, especially with that lady gobbling the zucchini up in the corner.

C_R_Eature July 5, 2011 at 5:35 pm

If this means that "Hava Nagila" now means "Have A Tequila" then I'm all for it.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi July 5, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Independent Voters will control the primary
Independent Voters will control the election

government criminals
controlled media
federal reserve
911 cover-up
corporatism
AIPAC
ZNN

Limeylizzie July 5, 2011 at 7:18 pm

or you could get this. Argentinian not Mexican,but still…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Cecilia_roth.jp

Chet Kincaid July 5, 2011 at 8:36 pm

The only thing worse than being accused of having too much influence on the American government is NOT being accused of having too much influence on the American government. It's one of Wilde's.

Chet Kincaid July 5, 2011 at 8:57 pm

But Israel already has U.S. statehood! What about Puerto Rico?!

Negropolis July 5, 2011 at 10:38 pm

What does this mean for "the blacks"? Can we just have our long and oft-predicted race war, already, and get it over with?

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:43 pm

So this merging… would it be "merging" in the Biblical sense of the word?

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:59 pm

That's for the lesser intellects like Noman Santorum, or whatever he's calling himself this week.

tcaalaw July 6, 2011 at 9:09 am

I'm getting an Idina Menzel banner ad in connection with this story. (And that's not even a joke, I really am.)

tessiee July 6, 2011 at 11:49 am

I hope you realize that this will result in an entire graduating class of Accounting majors who go on to become…
bean counters.

tessiee July 5, 2011 at 10:59 pm

We're through the looking glass here, people!

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