reckless speculation

Washington Forcing Jews To Merge With Mexicans, Against Republicans

America's new sombrero.America was founded upon dusty Old Testament scrolls handed down from the Heavens by Jesus and the cowboys. And then the Jews came, as prophesied, and turned Washington into their surrogate Promised Land, and they have ruled ever since. Luckily for poor, uneducated and underrepresented Christian Patriots, Jewish interests mesh exactly with those of the unemployed American Heartland. But no longer! Indeed, according to CNN, “The following may cheer those who complain that Jews exercise too much influence in the American political system.” So, if you are someone who wants the Jews to quit having jobs in D.C., then this is your lucky day. Or is it?

CNN reports, antisemitically:

“The massive overrepresentation of Jews on Capitol Hill, long a source of pride for the community, has been shrinking in recent years and could drop in the coming election cycle from 41 to the mid 30s, a level last seen 15 years ago,” Nathan Guttman recently wrote in The Forward, the Jewish newspaper.

Perhaps a golden age of sorts is coming to an end.

All of the Jews are just disappearing from Capitol Hill — “all of the Jews” referring to, of course, Jane Harman and Anthony Weiner, who left to find a new job and find love by sexting on the Twitter, respectively. And also there are “concerns.”

When Republicans are ascendant, such as in the 2010 election, the Democrats lose seats, including those held by Jews. Indeed, seven Jewish lawmakers lost seats in the last cycle. Already there are concerns that redrawing the lines of congressional districts in California will eliminate a House seat currently held by a Jewish Democrat. Of course, Democratic fortunes in 2012 will hinge, in part, on the strength of President Barack Obama’s electoral coattails.

But the Founding Fathers are not high-fiving John the Baptist in their graves just yet, because all this meaningless speculation is really just a sign that it’s time to pair up with the Messicans!

Reports Guttman: “Changing demographic realities are pushing Jewish activists to seek a political partnership with Latinos, America’s fastest-growing minority group, for help in supporting the U.S.-Israel relationship.”

The Zionist Mexicans will take back Israel and then Obama will win forever, the end. [CNN]

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  • TrotskysAxe

    Time to redecorate with Taco Bell tchotchkes.

    • PristineODummy

      Jeezus, that must be some damn fine herb, because I read that as "time to redecorate Taco Bell with tchotchkes." Which I don't think the Messicans like the same kind of tchotchkes, if you get my drift.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Der Judenlobbi ist kaput.

    And we haven't even started making them wear special badges, yet.

    • chilequiles

      Ich sehe was du hast es getan.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Ich habe nur dies getan.

  • PsycWench

    DC restaurants are working on a recipe for salsa bagels even as we speak.

    • fartknocker

      Einstein's Bagels has a jalapeno bagel with a schmear of salsa sour scream. It's very tasty.

      I always wash it down with a Diet Coke.

      • tessiee

        "salsa sour scream"

        Either that's a typo, or that's some *very* hot salsa.

    • neiltheblaze

      Bagels with jalapeno cream cheese is a wonderful example of what can happen in the culinary melting pot that is America. Diversity makes us stronger!

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Eric Cantor Libel.

  • SexySmurf

    The good news is that they still control the banks, Hollywood, and the weather.

    • tessiee

      ???
      I thought that was the Stonecutters.

  • PsycWench

    I note that there is no speculation about more Jews becoming Republican. The chosen people have standards.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Even Cantor admits it.

    • guangho

      Damned right we do. Tacos and desert living, fine. Dollar menus and sham capitalism built on hating people who can read, no.

  • bumfug

    The Jews will really piss off the righties if they teach Mexicans how to part the waters and cross over.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      (cue old Jewish guy complaining that the beaners and schwartzes are all too lazy swim now are they?)

    • Terry

      There's a big drought in Texas. No need to part the Rio Grande, just roll your pant legs up to the knee.

  • JoeHoya

    When Romney is elected, Mormons will be the new Jews.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Can we find them a nice little country in the Mideast to send them off to?

      • genxr

        We can call this new country "AfPak"

    • chilequiles

      Mormon Fact of the Day: Did you know that Mormons also refer to "non-believers" as gentiles? Take THAT Jews! Stealin yer lingo. I wonder if that makes Jews gentiles from their PoV. Hrm…

      • glamourdammerung

        They also baptized Holocaust victims posthumously. And Hitler as well.

        • PristineODummy

          They probably baptized all our parents posthumously. It's what they do. Really annoying and stupid.

    • tessiee

      "When Romney is elected, Mormons will be the new Jews."

      Then who will be the new Mormons?

      • JoeHoya

        My money's on the Scientologists.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Taco Bell just introduced the NEW Kosher Bacon Cheese Latke Gordita™

    • horsedreamer_1

      Turkey bacon, I'm assuming. Or tofu bacon.

      Those would be Kosher, I assume.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Especially with a side of Shrimp Poppers.

        • Negropolis

          Oh, and fried clam strips. Mmmmm….

      • tessiee

        Turkey bacon might be kosher by itself, but the addition of cheese (dairy) makes it Trayfe, and I don't mean the youngest Palin.

    • guangho

      That menu item is too gruesome to contemplate yet too fascinating not to.

  • edgydrifter

    Jews are disappearing from the halls of DC.
    Mexicans are disappearing from the fields of Georgia.
    Why, it's basically the same thing!

  • pukebot

    the chosen juans?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      The chosen beans?

    • chilequiles

      have my babies

    • horsedreamer_1

      This is Good News… for Juan Epstein.

      • AJWjr.

        That sweathog was way ahead of his time.
        //signed Epstein's Mother.

    • WhatTheHeck

      MUY Bueno.
      Jesus y Jesus works in both languages. Also.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Olé vey!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Ay-yi-yi gevalt!

  • Pragmatist2

    Does this mean we will start shipping F-15s to Mexico? If so, that border fence thing ain't looking so promising.

    • Terry

      The ATF apparently sent drug lords in northern Mexico a whole slew of guns already.

    • AJWjr.

      I thought you typed F-150s, which are already made in Mexico.

  • V572 [SSAN]

    Certainly the most important neighborhood demographic is religion, followed by national-origin-of-grandparents, followed by skin color, followed by party affiliation. Oh yeah, income is nice too.

    This is how urban planning is done, people!

  • JoshuaNorton

    Mmmmm. Matzah tacos.

    • bumfug

      Did you ever try to fold matzoh?

    • OneDollarJuana

      Tacos al rabbi.

    • Weenus299

      Macohs.

    • chilequiles

      Tacos al carbon-dated dead sea scrolls? No?

    • finallyhappy

      There was a passover taco kit one year- it must have been disgusting because it never apppeared again and there are plenty of bad Passover foods that reappear every year

    • PristineODummy

      No, man, matzo ball albondigas.

    • tessiee

      Lox and onion burrito?
      *that sounds not half bad, actually*

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If we could only get more Christian politicians to tweat pictures of their dicks, balance would be restored.

    Of course, most Christian politicians don't have dicks worth tweating.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      They post those pics in the craigslist M4M section.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Holder is finally investigating the Jews for doing 9/11.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      'Cause everyone knows the A-rabs couldn't have done it. They like us too much.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      There is a problem here, Volpe.
      This Aryan Nation crazy dude was on NPR last night, and he matter-of-factly stated something that we all know (of course): Barack Obama is a Jew.
      WTF?!
      I thought he was a Muslin!!

      • tessiee

        "Barack Obama is a Jew.
        WTF?!
        I thought he was a Muslin!!"

        Barack Obama IS a muslin. That guy was confusing him with his evil twin cousin, Baruch Obramowitz, who is a Jew.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee
    • Geminisunmars

      Our new national anthem.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It is interesting that the article seems to think that the electoral success of a half-breed Muslim will be the key to Jewish success. So, will the Jews be pushing for the new Caliphate and Sharia as hard as Obama is?

  • arihaya

    what? they will force Americans to eat nothing but Kosher Tacos forever ?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      What are you going to skip the faux dead beast or the cheesy cheese?

  • zappadoo76

    What happens when you cross a Jew with a Mexican?

    Click here.

    • fuflans

      thank god we have wikipedia.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Better food?

      (For the Jews, I mean. Not the Mexicans.)

    • tessiee

      Oh! I know this one!
      A lawyer who…
      Oh.
      You were serious.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Will this new alliance be known as the His-brew or Jew-anics?

    • PubOption

      Why not Ladinos?

  • PuckStopsHere

    Eric Cantor still hasn't gotten over the Kristallnacht at his office during the last election cycle. Never forget!

  • Goonemeritus

    It seems to me that the level of Jewish representation isn’t the problem. What keeps me up at nights is the number of morons of the hillbilly variety.

  • LabRodent

    Jesus or Jesus.

  • OneDollarJuana

    So, if Latinos are the new Jews, and a new wall is built to keep out the infidels, doesn't that make us the Palestinians?

    • AJWjr.

      Well, Palestinians are considered to be la cucarachas by the rest of the Arab world.

  • Sue4466

    The Jews aligning with the Mexicans . . . hmmm . . . could be onto something here . . . people aligning based on shared interests and ignoring the contrived and easily exploited racial/ethnic/gender/religious/sexuality divisions the GOP thrives on.

    Nope. Won't ever work.

  • phlox✔

    A Bris kit with mohel sauce for all!

    • Geminisunmars

      Wow. A double double pun. Niiiiicccce.

  • DaSandman

    I dunno about the politics but the culinary possibilties are mouth watering.

    Wait, wait… how do you say "You goddam kids, get off my lawn" in Spanish?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      אתם ילדים מחורבן, לרדת הדשא שלי, olé

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Mmmm…matzah ball posole.

  • SorosBot

    Finally, the Jews may stop oppressing the Christians, and we may no longer face such religious discrimination as federal holidays on Rosh Hashanah and om Kippur, liquor stores being closed on Saturdays, the use of the Torah as the standard for legal swearings, or the giant menorah displays on public property at Hanukkah.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Plus no booze sales on Saturday.

    • tessiee

      And that goddamn "Happy Holidays" bullshit.

  • Weenus299

    Kahlo, Trotsky, 9/11.

  • mumbly_joe

    You know who else thought the Jews exercised too much influence over the political syst- oh jeez this is just too easy.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Richard Nixon?

      • Veritas78

        Pat Buchanan?

        • Veritas78

          Kramer?

        • tessiee

          "Pat Buchanan"

          Really?
          Then why did all the old Jews in Florida vote for him in 2000?

    • GOPCrusher

      Mel Gibson?

      • Veritas78

        Lynn Forester de Rothschild? The Everly Brothers? Redd Foxx?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Haaretz?

    • reliefsinn

      There once was a man name of Beck
      Who loved to spout drivel and dreck
      He said on the news,
      The problems the Jews!
      And when dead, when directly to heck

    • genxr

      Anyone wearing an "I'm A Racist" t-shirt?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    You know who else watched idly as Jews left the government in droves?

    • Gopherit

      Moses?

      • Veritas78

        Sacco & Vanzetti?

    • PuckStopsHere

      Pontius Pilate?

      • Veritas78

        Dreyfus?

    • Geminisunmars

      Pontius Pilate?
      Sorry Puck. I hadn't refreshed. BTW, clearly you are brilliant.

    • GOPCrusher

      Torquemada?

      • Veritas78

        Pope Pius XII? Branch Rickey? The Blind Boys of Alabama?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Abe Saperstein?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Usually, though, the Mexicans only have to wander in the Chihuahuan or Sonoran desert for 40 days before either being delivered to the promised land, being apprehended and sent back home, or dying of exposure.

    • guangho

      Yes but time is marvelously elastic. Those 40 days can easily feel like 40 years.

  • FNMA

    Is this good news for Mel Gibson, or not?

  • Gopherit

    a tortilla will substitute for a yarmulke in a pinch.

  • x111e7thst

    We will always have Joementum.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I live in CT and can see the Joementum outside my window.

      • x111e7thst

        Still better than having Santorum on your window I suppose.

    • AJWjr.

      Joséntum.

  • arihaya

    it must be hard for Eric Cantor, having to do all the jobs as the chairman, secretary and spokesman for Jewish Republican Caucus.

    And also for Marco Rubio with his Hispanic Republican Caucus

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oy, that Cantor, such a señor schmendrick. And that Rubio, he's nothing but a meshugeh cholo schmuck.

  • Gopherit

    Waiting for the most inappropriate holocaust comment ever in 3…..2….

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      which one is the most inappropriate? All of them Katie.

  • mourningnmerica

    Four minutes till tot mom verdict. Boy, it doesn't get much better than this. My life has meaning.

    • SorosBot

      I keep hearing people in my office talking about some verdict – is that what this is? Whatever case they're talking about is one I've never heard before, and it makes me feel good for avoiding the TV news except Maddow and The Daily Show.

  • Lucidamente1

    I dunno, Benjamin Netanyahu seemed to do just fine on Capitol Hill.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Chaim Garcia de la Vegas liked this post.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Oh, like the number of Jews in Congress matters to the Zionist Occupation Government anyway. That's all window dressing, and our Secret Puppetmaster Overlords probably just decided that shedding a few of the "elected" tribalists might be useful to make the sheeple think that their influence is waning. Make no mistake, the REAL power lies behind the scenes, where the Bilderberg group plots and schemes along with its reptilian allies. Also the Trilateral Commission, the Illuminati, and the useful idiots at Cleveland Power and Light.

    (Wow, this shit is ridiculously easy to write…wonder if Alex Jones is hiring?)

    • reliefsinn

      You mean to say our Muslin Prezident is in cahoots with the Zionists, along with the Trilateral Commission?
      Who said these people couldn't get along?

    • zhubajie

      John Haggee is the secret Pope of the US!

  • Radiotherapy®

    Don't worry my tribe friends, there is no shortage of Jews in teabagger land. Krauthammer,
    Savage, Kristol, Goldberg, Cantor, Levin, etc.

    • Geminisunmars

      You had to go and spoil my day, didn't you.

    • GeneralLerong

      Uh-oh, what's the percentage of Jews here:

      Palinbot Vengeance List

      Bill Kristol's appearance is 'way mucho ironic, si?

  • PuckStopsHere

    Know what you get when you cross a Jew and a Mexican? Somebody too lazy to run a movie studio.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Either that, or one that takes all of the good Hollywood jerbs! Jewbs?

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Juall Street?

  • DahBoner

    Oddly enough, the Jews don't even like Mexicans.

    This is why you don't see many Mexicans sneaking into Israel….

  • anniegetyerfun

    “The following may cheer those who complain that Jews exercise too much influence in the American political system.”

    Wait, didn't CNN fire a Mexican for saying exactly that?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Former Marlin & Red Sock Mike Lowell doesn't know whether to be offended you denied his fellow Cuban-American his nationality, or pleased you remembered said reporter's slur against Lowell's tribe.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Sorry, I should have said "messican" to make my intention clearer.

  • fuflans

    jews come to DC, jews go. who can explain it?

  • mourningnmerica

    The Chorizan People.

  • mavenmaven

    Sorry, but the Jewish-Latin thing is a very old story http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5wg07uelQI (by the way, if you can get your hands on the full album, its totally brilliant).

    • Geminisunmars

      That made me want to shake my tuchus.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I will never be able to get beyond the first sentence of that piece.

  • Guppy06

    But Republicans totally heart Israel! They just wish all the heathen Jews would get the message and move there "voluntarily" already.

  • prommie

    The legislative branch, meh, small potatoes, when your lobby controls Defense pretty much completely.

  • ttommyunger

    I, for one, welcome our new Gentile Overlords!

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    Juan Epstein is getting ready to make a comeback.
    (No one under 45 will get that.)

    • freddymcmurray

      I think you mean 35.

      Signed,
      Epstein's 40 yr old brother.

  • mourningnmerica

    This is good news. I was getting so tired of Jew on Mexican violence.

  • mourningnmerica

    I'm not clear on this. If the Jews and Mexicans get together, should I show up on time or late for meetings with them?

  • thefrontpage

    Oy vey, bubbala, I've been wondering, spritzing even, why the U.S. House Cafeteria has been serving up less and less matzoh ball soup, gefilte fish, chopped liver, lox, whitefish, herring and bagels recently! Oy, I'm telling you!

    –U.S. Rep. Murray Schlomo Goldsteinbergman
    New York Democrat, Brooklyn and Staten Island

    • guangho

      Staten Island? Really now.

  • thefrontpage

    But there's still plenty of Jewish rock stars–David Lee Roth, Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon and Ted Nugent, who converted.

  • AJWjr.

    I understand the quince-mitzvah planners are like totally swamped this season.

  • genxr

    Today we celebrate the miracle of Chalupakka, when one burrito produced a fart that burned for 12 nights.

    I've eaten there, it's good.

  • mumbly_joe

    Sangria Libel!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Muzzle Tov!

  • alaninthecastro

    This story's narrative thread was very hard to follow, especially with that lady gobbling the zucchini up in the corner.

  • C_R_Eature

    If this means that "Hava Nagila" now means "Have A Tequila" then I'm all for it.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Independent Voters will control the primary
    Independent Voters will control the election

    government criminals
    controlled media
    federal reserve
    911 cover-up
    corporatism
    AIPAC
    ZNN

  • Limeylizzie

    or you could get this. Argentinian not Mexican,but still…
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Cecilia_roth.jp

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    The only thing worse than being accused of having too much influence on the American government is NOT being accused of having too much influence on the American government. It's one of Wilde's.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    But Israel already has U.S. statehood! What about Puerto Rico?!

  • Negropolis

    What does this mean for "the blacks"? Can we just have our long and oft-predicted race war, already, and get it over with?

  • tessiee

    So this merging… would it be "merging" in the Biblical sense of the word?

  • tessiee

    That's for the lesser intellects like Noman Santorum, or whatever he's calling himself this week.

  • tcaalaw

    I'm getting an Idina Menzel banner ad in connection with this story. (And that's not even a joke, I really am.)

  • tessiee

    I hope you realize that this will result in an entire graduating class of Accounting majors who go on to become…
    bean counters.

  • tessiee

    We're through the looking glass here, people!