reckless speculation

Washington Forcing Jews To Merge With Mexicans, Against Republicans

America's new sombrero.America was founded upon dusty Old Testament scrolls handed down from the Heavens by Jesus and the cowboys. And then the Jews came, as prophesied, and turned Washington into their surrogate Promised Land, and they have ruled ever since. Luckily for poor, uneducated and underrepresented Christian Patriots, Jewish interests mesh exactly with those of the unemployed American Heartland. But no longer! Indeed, according to CNN, “The following may cheer those who complain that Jews exercise too much influence in the American political system.” So, if you are someone who wants the Jews to quit having jobs in D.C., then this is your lucky day. Or is it?

CNN reports, antisemitically:

“The massive overrepresentation of Jews on Capitol Hill, long a source of pride for the community, has been shrinking in recent years and could drop in the coming election cycle from 41 to the mid 30s, a level last seen 15 years ago,” Nathan Guttman recently wrote in The Forward, the Jewish newspaper.

Perhaps a golden age of sorts is coming to an end.

All of the Jews are just disappearing from Capitol Hill — “all of the Jews” referring to, of course, Jane Harman and Anthony Weiner, who left to find a new job and find love by sexting on the Twitter, respectively. And also there are “concerns.”

When Republicans are ascendant, such as in the 2010 election, the Democrats lose seats, including those held by Jews. Indeed, seven Jewish lawmakers lost seats in the last cycle. Already there are concerns that redrawing the lines of congressional districts in California will eliminate a House seat currently held by a Jewish Democrat. Of course, Democratic fortunes in 2012 will hinge, in part, on the strength of President Barack Obama’s electoral coattails.

But the Founding Fathers are not high-fiving John the Baptist in their graves just yet, because all this meaningless speculation is really just a sign that it’s time to pair up with the Messicans!

Reports Guttman: “Changing demographic realities are pushing Jewish activists to seek a political partnership with Latinos, America’s fastest-growing minority group, for help in supporting the U.S.-Israel relationship.”

The Zionist Mexicans will take back Israel and then Obama will win forever, the end. [CNN]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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    1. PristineODummy

      Jeezus, that must be some damn fine herb, because I read that as "time to redecorate Taco Bell with tchotchkes." Which I don't think the Messicans like the same kind of tchotchkes, if you get my drift.

  1. Lascauxcaveman

    Der Judenlobbi ist kaput.

    And we haven't even started making them wear special badges, yet.

    1. fartknocker

      Einstein's Bagels has a jalapeno bagel with a schmear of salsa sour scream. It's very tasty.

      I always wash it down with a Diet Coke.

    2. neiltheblaze

      Bagels with jalapeno cream cheese is a wonderful example of what can happen in the culinary melting pot that is America. Diversity makes us stronger!

  2. PsycWench

    I note that there is no speculation about more Jews becoming Republican. The chosen people have standards.

    1. guangho

      Damned right we do. Tacos and desert living, fine. Dollar menus and sham capitalism built on hating people who can read, no.

  3. bumfug

    The Jews will really piss off the righties if they teach Mexicans how to part the waters and cross over.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      (cue old Jewish guy complaining that the beaners and schwartzes are all too lazy swim now are they?)

    2. Terry

      There's a big drought in Texas. No need to part the Rio Grande, just roll your pant legs up to the knee.

    1. chilequiles

      Mormon Fact of the Day: Did you know that Mormons also refer to "non-believers" as gentiles? Take THAT Jews! Stealin yer lingo. I wonder if that makes Jews gentiles from their PoV. Hrm…

        1. PristineODummy

          They probably baptized all our parents posthumously. It's what they do. Really annoying and stupid.

    2. tessiee

      "When Romney is elected, Mormons will be the new Jews."

      Then who will be the new Mormons?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Turkey bacon, I'm assuming. Or tofu bacon.

      Those would be Kosher, I assume.

      1. tessiee

        Turkey bacon might be kosher by itself, but the addition of cheese (dairy) makes it Trayfe, and I don't mean the youngest Palin.

  4. edgydrifter

    Jews are disappearing from the halls of DC.
    Mexicans are disappearing from the fields of Georgia.
    Why, it's basically the same thing!

  5. Pragmatist2

    Does this mean we will start shipping F-15s to Mexico? If so, that border fence thing ain't looking so promising.

  6. V572 [SSAN]

    Certainly the most important neighborhood demographic is religion, followed by national-origin-of-grandparents, followed by skin color, followed by party affiliation. Oh yeah, income is nice too.

    This is how urban planning is done, people!

    1. finallyhappy

      There was a passover taco kit one year- it must have been disgusting because it never apppeared again and there are plenty of bad Passover foods that reappear every year

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If we could only get more Christian politicians to tweat pictures of their dicks, balance would be restored.

    Of course, most Christian politicians don't have dicks worth tweating.

    1. ProudLibunatic

      There is a problem here, Volpe.
      This Aryan Nation crazy dude was on NPR last night, and he matter-of-factly stated something that we all know (of course): Barack Obama is a Jew.
      I thought he was a Muslin!!

      1. tessiee

        "Barack Obama is a Jew.
        I thought he was a Muslin!!"

        Barack Obama IS a muslin. That guy was confusing him with his evil twin cousin, Baruch Obramowitz, who is a Jew.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It is interesting that the article seems to think that the electoral success of a half-breed Muslim will be the key to Jewish success. So, will the Jews be pushing for the new Caliphate and Sharia as hard as Obama is?

  9. PuckStopsHere

    Eric Cantor still hasn't gotten over the Kristallnacht at his office during the last election cycle. Never forget!

  10. Goonemeritus

    It seems to me that the level of Jewish representation isn’t the problem. What keeps me up at nights is the number of morons of the hillbilly variety.

  11. OneDollarJuana

    So, if Latinos are the new Jews, and a new wall is built to keep out the infidels, doesn't that make us the Palestinians?

    1. AJWjr.

      Well, Palestinians are considered to be la cucarachas by the rest of the Arab world.

  12. Sue4466

    The Jews aligning with the Mexicans . . . hmmm . . . could be onto something here . . . people aligning based on shared interests and ignoring the contrived and easily exploited racial/ethnic/gender/religious/sexuality divisions the GOP thrives on.

    Nope. Won't ever work.

  13. DaSandman

    I dunno about the politics but the culinary possibilties are mouth watering.

    Wait, wait… how do you say "You goddam kids, get off my lawn" in Spanish?

  14. SorosBot

    Finally, the Jews may stop oppressing the Christians, and we may no longer face such religious discrimination as federal holidays on Rosh Hashanah and om Kippur, liquor stores being closed on Saturdays, the use of the Torah as the standard for legal swearings, or the giant menorah displays on public property at Hanukkah.

  15. mumbly_joe

    You know who else thought the Jews exercised too much influence over the political syst- oh jeez this is just too easy.

    1. reliefsinn

      There once was a man name of Beck
      Who loved to spout drivel and dreck
      He said on the news,
      The problems the Jews!
      And when dead, when directly to heck

    1. Geminisunmars

      Pontius Pilate?
      Sorry Puck. I hadn't refreshed. BTW, clearly you are brilliant.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    Usually, though, the Mexicans only have to wander in the Chihuahuan or Sonoran desert for 40 days before either being delivered to the promised land, being apprehended and sent back home, or dying of exposure.

  17. arihaya

    it must be hard for Eric Cantor, having to do all the jobs as the chairman, secretary and spokesman for Jewish Republican Caucus.

    And also for Marco Rubio with his Hispanic Republican Caucus

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oy, that Cantor, such a señor schmendrick. And that Rubio, he's nothing but a meshugeh cholo schmuck.

  18. mourningnmerica

    Four minutes till tot mom verdict. Boy, it doesn't get much better than this. My life has meaning.

    1. SorosBot

      I keep hearing people in my office talking about some verdict – is that what this is? Whatever case they're talking about is one I've never heard before, and it makes me feel good for avoiding the TV news except Maddow and The Daily Show.

  19. Doktor Zoom

    Oh, like the number of Jews in Congress matters to the Zionist Occupation Government anyway. That's all window dressing, and our Secret Puppetmaster Overlords probably just decided that shedding a few of the "elected" tribalists might be useful to make the sheeple think that their influence is waning. Make no mistake, the REAL power lies behind the scenes, where the Bilderberg group plots and schemes along with its reptilian allies. Also the Trilateral Commission, the Illuminati, and the useful idiots at Cleveland Power and Light.

    (Wow, this shit is ridiculously easy to write…wonder if Alex Jones is hiring?)

    1. reliefsinn

      You mean to say our Muslin Prezident is in cahoots with the Zionists, along with the Trilateral Commission?
      Who said these people couldn't get along?

  20. Radiotherapy®

    Don't worry my tribe friends, there is no shortage of Jews in teabagger land. Krauthammer,
    Savage, Kristol, Goldberg, Cantor, Levin, etc.

  21. PuckStopsHere

    Know what you get when you cross a Jew and a Mexican? Somebody too lazy to run a movie studio.

  22. DahBoner

    Oddly enough, the Jews don't even like Mexicans.

    This is why you don't see many Mexicans sneaking into Israel….

  23. anniegetyerfun

    “The following may cheer those who complain that Jews exercise too much influence in the American political system.”

    Wait, didn't CNN fire a Mexican for saying exactly that?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Former Marlin & Red Sock Mike Lowell doesn't know whether to be offended you denied his fellow Cuban-American his nationality, or pleased you remembered said reporter's slur against Lowell's tribe.

  24. Guppy06

    But Republicans totally heart Israel! They just wish all the heathen Jews would get the message and move there "voluntarily" already.

  25. prommie

    The legislative branch, meh, small potatoes, when your lobby controls Defense pretty much completely.

  26. mourningnmerica

    I'm not clear on this. If the Jews and Mexicans get together, should I show up on time or late for meetings with them?

  27. thefrontpage

    Oy vey, bubbala, I've been wondering, spritzing even, why the U.S. House Cafeteria has been serving up less and less matzoh ball soup, gefilte fish, chopped liver, lox, whitefish, herring and bagels recently! Oy, I'm telling you!

    –U.S. Rep. Murray Schlomo Goldsteinbergman
    New York Democrat, Brooklyn and Staten Island

  28. thefrontpage

    But there's still plenty of Jewish rock stars–David Lee Roth, Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon and Ted Nugent, who converted.

  29. genxr

    Today we celebrate the miracle of Chalupakka, when one burrito produced a fart that burned for 12 nights.

    I've eaten there, it's good.

  30. alaninthecastro

    This story's narrative thread was very hard to follow, especially with that lady gobbling the zucchini up in the corner.

  31. C_R_Eature

    If this means that "Hava Nagila" now means "Have A Tequila" then I'm all for it.

  32. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Independent Voters will control the primary
    Independent Voters will control the election

    government criminals
    controlled media
    federal reserve
    911 cover-up

  33. Chet Kincaid

    The only thing worse than being accused of having too much influence on the American government is NOT being accused of having too much influence on the American government. It's one of Wilde's.

  34. Negropolis

    What does this mean for "the blacks"? Can we just have our long and oft-predicted race war, already, and get it over with?

  35. tessiee

    That's for the lesser intellects like Noman Santorum, or whatever he's calling himself this week.

  36. tcaalaw

    I'm getting an Idina Menzel banner ad in connection with this story. (And that's not even a joke, I really am.)

  37. tessiee

    I hope you realize that this will result in an entire graduating class of Accounting majors who go on to become…
    bean counters.

Comments are closed.