Thought you were “doing the right thing” by drinking diet soda instead of the usual corn-syrup sludge that makes up the primary source of calories for Americans? Well, sorry, you are still going to become obese and die of diabetes and cancer, soon. Diet soda — and god only knows what is actually in Diet Soda — has been proven to make you just as fat and miserable as the non-diet variety. Turns out that drinking several gallons of bubbly chemical poison every day is bad for you, no matter if the corn syrup has been removed by radiation chemicals or not!
They found that diet soda drinkers’ waists grew 70 percent more than non-drinkers. Specifically, drinking two or more diet sodas a day busted belt sizes five times more than people who avoided the stuff entirely.
And as waist size grows, so do health risks – including diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and other chronic conditions.
The researchers suggest “water” — if it’s not radioactive or contaminated by the faddish new natural gas industry poison of “fracking” — is a safe alternative to the four-hundred brands of Wonka’s fizzy lifting drink/pesticide, but how is that even American, to drink something that doesn’t come in a two-liter bottle with a coupon on the label to see Transformers XII: The Final Dildo for half-off, with the purchase of yet another 72-ounce soda pop? [CBS News]
{ 165 comments }
Back to Wild Turkey 101.
For that extra diabetes flavor, drink it outta this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdPtTxppcV0
What about rum?
What about diet rum?
We'll have to make do with gin, with gin… http://www.thebards.net/music/lyrics/Irish_Ballad...
Only about 100 calories to a shot… of most booze. Rum may be a bit higher… but after a couple you won't care… so… party on!
Let's put it this way: to date, there is no evidence that rum consumption has any impact on human health. This has been verified by an exhaustive search of the literature.*
______________
*Googled "rum death"
That's 100% more research than climate change deniers have done. Sign me up for this 'Rum Diet' of yours!
Your ideas intrigue me, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Just don't dilute it with that poisonous Coke.
"What about rum?"
Why, yes.
Thank you.
*accepts cool refreshing umbrella drink*
Well sure, that's because fatties drink diet soda to wash down the KFC, Big Mac, pork rinds, donuts, burriitos, cheetos, etc. Also.
Exactly. It's an after-thought of a drink order after ordering a double-down with extra cheese and breading.
"I'll have two Big Macs, a larger fry – yeah, go ahead and super-size that – an apple pie, a soft serve vanilla dipper cone… to drink? Uh, Diet Coke."
& those who drink diet soda might well be less prone to exercise, thinking the soda is low enough in calories to mitigate the need to work-out.
water? how is that fun? i demand to be entertained when fulfilling my biological need for hydration. otherwise, what's the point?
plus fish fuck in it.
Don't lose your corkscrew in the Andes, you may not have a choice!
Some fish do fuck in water but a lot of them don't actually fuck.
The males get excited and shoot their wad at what they think might be the right object.
That's sort of like a lot of the libunatic posters here.
"don't actually fuck."
The males get excited and shoot their wad at what they think might be the right object."
This, boys and girls, is what the shrinks mean by "projection".
"The males get excited and shoot their wad at what they think might be the right object."
Sounds like how we got into Iraq.
Or Exxon leaks their oil into it.
You could always eat more fruits and veggies and enjoy more frequent poops.
Eat shit and die.
Oh… we will… and we'll like it.
You KNOW there's a Paula Deen spin-off here!
As someone who used to work at the Olive Garden: people who order Diet Coke to lose weight are the ones who would also order a Chicken Alfredo and salad with ranch thinking drinking diet made up for it. I'm pretty sure apathy, ignorance and greed is what's making American's diabetic and obese.
What horrors you must have seen! Bottomless pasta bowls, breadsticks, breadsticks, and more breadsticks.
It's scarred me for life; I used to work in the kitchen mostly which was surprisingly fun because the foods not really that bad. Serving was horrible though, it was in East TN and the hill people would come down in droves on the weekend for "That Chikkin Al 'Freder and some Pasta Fag-ee-ol-ee", oh the humanity!
Color me shocked that anyone in East Tennessee ever ordered Faggy pasta.
Yeah, because Olive Garden is the home of smart eaters.
I actually have a friend (not fat, in very good shape, actually) who ordered a Fettucine Alfredo and a Diet Coke. (Not at an Olive Garden, but still…) I laughed and laughed at him. It just struck me very funny.
"I'll have three Diet Specials, please."
Anecdotal case in point: employee of mine who smokes, drinks diet sodas all day and nearly every day, her BF brings her McDonalds for lunch. She asked if it was OK to put a couple bottles of grocery store brand bottle water in my fridge, and I "Sure, but you know, our local tap water is pretty darn good. The city just put in a state of the art water system about ten years ago."
"I wouldn't drink that poison."
This conversation occurred this morning, about a half hour ago.
The only way this could possibly be improved upon:
"I wouldn't drink that poison."
*click of lighter*
*exhales double lungful of smoke*
"Ahhhhhh!"
Nothing like going to the All-You-Can Eat buffets to see some 300+ pounder using a forklift to haul their tray back to the table and then go up and get a Bladder Buster of Diet Coke.
Except that the study showed that the danger came from artificial sweetener's tendency to stimulate hunger without actually satisfying. So diet soda is OK as long as the drinker realizes that it provides no nutritional value and stops overeating junk foods.
SCIENCE!!!
I live close to the Creation Museum where they are breaking ground on a new Noah's Ark theme park. Science is bad for business.
… stops overeating junk foods.
Not a chance, Michelle. Not a chance.
The ingredient description on most beverage labels today resemble a witches brew more than anything else. I stick with water / coffee, period. Of course, I personally have no life, which helps.
In the tubes no one knows you're dead
Are you saying that commenting on Wonkette is not a productive and satisfying way of life? This is terrible news.
Green Tea cuts the rate of all cancers in half. just sayin'…..go green!
An X-Large Pig Lover's Pizza stuffed Pizza and a gallon of Diet Pepsi please.
I believe it was here on these very Wonkette's that I learned the correct name for that thang: pig anus/corn sugar grease cake. Put that in your pizza and bake it.
And that's why I water my Ginger Ale down with Bourbon, like Jebus intended us to.
I tend to think that Sodey-Pop is only good as an alcohol delivery system, and rarely at that (the soda-not the alcohol).
Just remember, if you switch to water, make sure to stick to the pricey bottled water which is just oh so much better than the water you can get from the faucet and in no way the exact same thing and a total fucking ripoff that you are a moron to buy because we've brainwashed you into believing it's magically better.
Sincerely,
The Beverage Industry
Particularly water that is shipped all the way from Fiji by the Coca-Cola Corporation. It's extra good because of all the C02 it adds to the atmosphere.
And in square bottles, so you can't wash them out and reuse them for regular water because they gets little bits of greenish algal muck like the stuff that nearly killed James Inhofe, in the corners.
And it's important to add all that extra plastic to our landfills, along with that disposable Swiffer crap.
I was recently visiting friends in LA, where their local supermarket featured an aisle full of these fancy bottled waters and a sign above them reading "New Age Beverages."
My doctor told me "eat less and exercise". This is how far health care has sunk in the U.S.A. under Obama. Crazy talk! Crazy talk! I'm pretty sure I read an article somewhere that exercise can cause shortness of breath and stuff. As for eating less, in America we let the market decide. And it has decided to serve really big portions, especially on all-you-can-eat pasta night.
I love the taco bell commercials for the xxl triple goo burrito with the furriners wondering at its size.
Yeah, I don't know why we're all a bunch of fatasses.
I just heard that the other day. I was simultaneously appalled and impressed by how well Taco Bell knows its customer base (fat, zitty and stupid).
That's why they will win the Franchise Wars.
Keep up what you're doing. They'll come out with a pill soon to take care of it (and your heart valves), or at the very least you can go the Jesus Saves route and pray for the rapture if you get seriously ill.
It's my Gawd-Given Right as the pursuit of happiness to stuff myself with Hot Pockets!
chicken and egg dilemma
my guess is that people ordering diet sodas are either fat, worried about getting fat or eating disordered to begin with.
besides, everyone knows the best supermodel diet is Tab, cigarettes and heroin.
I started drinking it because after a year of regular soda my teeth nearly fell out. Unfortunately, I like the taste of Diet Coke, but only have one a day. DC kills your bones. Oh well, we've got to die from something and foie gras is no longer politically correct.
I honestly can't stand the sweetness of most regular soda and iced tea from a fast food joint can be a dodgy thing. We're at the point where everything causes cancer and everything makes you fat, so, huzzah!
Add a few glasses of Champagne for breakfast and you got the supermodel diet down perfectly, although the heroin is usually later in the day. Cocaine goes better at breakfast.
Well out to the store, get some Tab, Luckys and H. Watch the pounds melt off.
I thought the supermodel diet was Tab, Tic-Tacs and jizz.
Ha! Shows what you know. A well rounded super model's diet always includes blow.
Snored off the shriveled member of a 72 year old billionaire, if you're looking for style points.
Just wait until that super-secret provision in Obamacare kicks in next January. You know, the one that increases ones income tax by 5% for every 10 lbs. a person is overweight.
I'm gonna make a killing marketing my Dachau Diet Plan!
Next on Dr Oz, the Bergen-Belsen Belly Buster
Feel the burn!
–Suzanne Somers, celebrity Totenkopf.
I couldn't decide whether to up-fist, down-fist, or run around the block. So I just groaned.
"Judges? Yes, we'll accept that! We would have also accepted "You know who else" or "Special place in hell for people like you."
Congratulations! Now, on to the Lighting Round, sponsored by Xylon Ltd. The final solution to all your pest problems."
God damnit, you'll pry my diet soda and anus burgers from my cold dead hands!!!!111!!1
Yes, we will.
You can take away my caffeinated death slurry as soon as drinking beer in the office is permitted. I'll be happy to trade.
Got it… I will stop drinking sodas. From now on, I'll only drink pop.
Win.
Indeed…regardless of where I live, this is a dialectic idiosyncrasy I refuse to give up (and will chastise original pop-sayers who have).
Tangentially related/ My grandmother was from Boston and when I was about 5 she asked me if I wanted some tonic. I thought she was offering me booze and turned sheepishly to my mom for guidance and she explained that Grandma meant pop. Admittedly, if she'd offered me a beer, I would've accepted…it wasn't until I was older that I started on liquor.
My endocrinologist told me that the sweetener in diet sodas, aspartame, has the same effect on the pancreas that ordinary sugar does, so it's no real help on the blood sugar end. So, I'll drink rum and tonic!! Except tonic water is full of sugar too! So, diet tonic water? Aspartame! Except Canada Dry and Schweppes brand, which use… cancer-causing saccharin! I think I'm just going to go with Everclear enemas from here on out.
My endocrinologist confirmed that vodka suppresses blood sugar (a little experiment of mine validated,heh). He called it the dirty little secret they don't tell diabetics.
Guess that handle of Tito's that's been hanging around my liquor cabinet is gonna get punished.
Filterd 12 times for your pleasure!
Home for some Luksusowa tonight, the best use of potato's I have ever seen.
it must be the formaldehyde that the sweetener changes into after heating to above 90 or so degrees.
Anybody determine whether the bigger waists were due to carbon-dioxide bloating and water retention?
great (funny) article. great (funny) comments.
Way to sound nearly sane, Doc!
TY, and I love Fester as well. Does that help my diagnosis? I can't be all bad, LOL
In Arizona that would be all of them……..
So if sugar soda is no good, and diet soda isn't either – what should we be drinking?
rye whiskey – neat
Upfist for truth.
Word.
My lunch today is Shinn Ramyun and Coke Zero, the new masculine, dude diet soda. Someone please kill me.
Wow… in my office, the girls like Coke Zero and the dudes like Diet Coke, so we have to buy both.
I was in no way aware that Coke Zero was supposed to be more masculine than regular Diet Coke (which, I do understand, may have somewhat of a girly image).
Also, I'm convinced that Coke Zero tastes better than Diet Coke. Yes, I've looked at the ingredients, and yes, they are the same, except that two of them are reversed in order, which means they are slightly different in proportion. Therefore, TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
Oh, Coke Zero is totally better tasting. Sexism from Coke, they make Tab and Fresca for the chicks, and Coke Zero, the best of all diet sodies, for the dudes.
Coke Zero is damn good for a diet soda, but da DDP (Diet Dr Pepper) is the shit!
Full Disclosure! I try to limit my soda/diet soda intake to one a week. But that one burns the throat so well I know I'll never stop completely.
Next thing they will be saying is Crack is worst than Cocaine. Damn Researchers.
I smell a class action.
The Surpreme were way ahead of you on that.
No mor CA's for U!
You Teh People CAN NOT HAZ!!!!!
But it has electrolytes!!
Oh, GREAT!
Now I'm craving Brawndo.
That's just great.
Great – next I suppose you'll tell me that flavored water will make my kidneys turn green and rot.
Perhaps because I do this kind of thing professionally, I have to say there are some major problems with this abstract http://ww2.aievolution.com/ada1101/index.cfm?do=a.... For one thing, they don't control for overall caloric intake. Also, it is important to note that the study population was limited to people aged 64- 75, which may limit these findings to the tea party constituency. One would also wonder what the ethnic makeup of the study was, given that it was done in San Antonio, and as anyone who has been out there knows, their diet (and girth) is very different than the rest of the USA.
Yes, we've been in and out of first place for nation's fattest city for the last twenty years.
Anybody mind if I eat that last tortilla?
she's made this somewhat of a crusade.
http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20050613/drink-mor...
If you look at the demographic, it might give you pause about the old tea-party dude-dudette theory (although it was pretty funny, even for a TPer like myself)
In fact this is what they say in the published earlier study (and it also notes that 2/3 of the patients were of Mexican descent). So this is a publicity gaining study more that any valid epidemiology:
Dieting was strongly associated with AS consumption: 72% of dieters—vs. 41% of nondieters—used ASs. Overall, baseline dieters gained more weight by follow-up than nondieters (P < 0.001)
just stop. There are even better reasons to not drink this poison. How do you know your can of soda has not been subjected to high temperatures? That turns it into a toxic bomb!
Artificial sweeteners are neuro toxins. And you put money in Donald Rumsfelds pocket with each and every sip.
Tiki drinks are the new water.
We are the fattest.
And they say American Exceptionalism is dead?
USA! USA! USA!
~
And that's on diet drinks. BEAT THAT, MOTHER RUSSIA!
ROTFLMAO
bravo!
And yesterday, red-blooded American boy, Joey Chestnut, defeated the Communist Chinese by eating 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes to make sure the much coveted Mustard Belt stays in the good ol U.S. of A.
Who says this isn't a great country?
Kobayashi put down 69 dogs from a rooftop bar in Manhattan, eating bite for bite with the Nathan's competitors (who were simulcast on a television behind Kobi). So, there.
Rain water and grain keeps my precious bodily fluids safe.
And that little bit of Fukashima isotopes will keep you from aging.
say no to gmo
YES!! I was thinking that but couldn't remember the quote. (No, I'm not going to explain.)
Now it's just a matter of time before some Teatard makes a pseudo-ironic "Yup, I'm a Diet Soda Drinker" shirt.
Not ironic if it's a size XXXL. I mean, s/he'll think it's ironic, but it won't be.
I know someone that swears their allegiance to diet coke.
How many pounds do they weigh? NO MAN CAN SAY.
I know a couple who are addicted to that shit. She weighs 360 and he weighs 440. No way am I getting into a lift with both of them.
But at least they now make Vegetarian Hot Pockets… incase you don't eat meat but still want to have the shits… which will help in weight loss.
That shit has aspartame in it. Go ask Cleopatra about the art of taming an asp.
That's reaching a little bit, but it still made me laugh.
I drink water from my own well, and iced tea or coffee made from water from my own well. You know, my well that is about 40 miles away from Yucca Mountain, the place that has been leaching isotopes and perchlorates into the groundwater for the last 60 years or so…
We're here to tell you that you'll be just fine!!!
—Atomic Energy Commission
Oh my. Sorry AJW. I hope you don't glow in the dark yet.
Eh, it keeps the light on…
Does Nevada Power know you are cheating them out of lighting revenue?
How is it American to drink anything that comes in a two-liter bottle?
Genesee Diet Cream Ale, how 'bout?
Ah, pass me a pounder of the Green Death. 16oz Genny Cream all around.
More tea!
More tea!
More tea!
Green Tea is the answer
Brewed from the crystal clear waters of the Genesee River…they always hoped the consumers never laid eyes on said river. That said, Cream Ale is the only Genny product I can stomach. My buddy bought some Genny Light many years back because it was on sale(!) and we literally couldn't give it away to 16 year olds.
At least it's not Matt's. Genny Cream Ale on tap isn't bad for shitty beer.
As in UC from FX Matt? Must agree with you there. I'll take Genny Cream Ale over it any day.
Yup. I think UC was the high end stuff, and Matt's was the swill for high schoolers. I recall Matt's being sold in the magnificent Beer Ball.
I wasn't a big fan of the recent version of Battlestar Galactica so please tell me, what is this "fracked water" you speak of?
It is a method by which the energy companies extraact natural gas from wayyyyyy under ground. It involves pumping water and enough toxic chemicals to posion Lake Superior, under high pressure to fragment or Frack the rocks and extract the gas. Terrible for the environment, but hey, what do the gas companies care?
What was it WC Fields said? "Don't drink water fish fuck in it." Sorry but somebody had to do it
I thought everyone knew that Diet Coke is distilled robot sweat.
Uh, that's carbonated water and distilled robot sweat. Thank you.
Water just doesn't "cut it", literally. Plain water does not have the surfactant qualities that a carbonated beverage does and sticking to plain water while feeding…um…I mean "dining" at a lot…er…I mean restaurant like Golden Corral can be downright dangerous when your poorly masticated meal begins to coagulate in your esophagus.
Surfactant qualities? You mean soda greases your throat? I'm not sure I like that.
Er, more like "acts like soap upon the grease you just ingested."
If my body is going to get fat drinking something, then there ought to be some sort of payoff for my brain/well-being. That's why I only drink alcoholic beverages.
Beer: proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.
So when the fast-food joints asked “Can I supersize you?” they really meant it.
or James Inhofe swimming in it.
This is not news. Years and years ago I read a synopsis of a study that showed that people who drink diet pop actually overconsume sugar in the form of solid food to make up for the sugar that wasn't in the pop. The predictable and all-too-apparent result is all around us, as in "your momma is so fat she sits AROUND the house".
Also, who drinks diet soda? People who are trying to diet. Who's that? People with a weight problem. So there is a chicken or egg issue here. Did the scientists control for that? Uh, no. From the article: "Researchers at the center followed 474 diet soda drinkers, 65 to 74 years of age, for almost 10 years." These people were already diet soda drinkers, and hence were fattie-prone.
What they gotta do is get some non diet soda drinkers and make them drink diet soda for ten years and see what happens compared to the control group. Millions of Americans would volunteer for this job if you payed them $0.25 per hour, which, according to other studies is what Americans will take for their labor time if you ask them.
Hmm. I drink diet soda and not because I have a weight problem but because I don't want a weight problem. At least, if I'm going to have one, it should be because of frosty tall glasses of beer rather than soda.
You are very prudent. You must suspect you are fattie-prone. I will pay you $0.25 per hour to be in the study, but you have to stop drinking diet soda.
considering what liquor and i did last night, diet coke seems decidedly less dangerous.
Water!?!?!!! I don't drink water – fish fuck in it.
I'll have a Double Bacon Cheeseburger with a large order of Fries. Oh, and a Diet Coke.
Oh, and SUPERSIZE me!!!
I learned a long time ago to stop stressing over weight. It is what it is.
Actually, it's more fun to substitute a martini for lunch.
All artificial sweeteners are neuro toxins. Especially dangerous if they have been exposed to heat in the can by sitting on a hot loading dock……Just Say "NO". You are giving Donald Rumsfeld mo' money.
Brawndo is good for everything, get me a two liter bottle.
Oh and downfister troll, I fixed the trouble you were trying to cause.
Everything is bad for you. Or soon will be.
Green Tea is good for you unless it comes from Japan….or downwind from Japan
How about Mecca Cola? Is that still safe?
The only soda I drink is non-diet Polar Lime Tonic Water
With mindless studies like this, you can also discover that people who quit smoking are more likely to die of lung cancer than non-smokers.
Based on the absolute autocratic degree of pulling stuff out of my hat, I've long suspected that diet sodas, low-fat foods, sugar-free foods, etc. are so packed with chemicals and god-knows-what that they're worse for you (if not specifically more fattening, though you can't really rule that out, either) than whatever they're supposed to be a substitute for. I drink about one soda a year, but I can't imagine how a regular soda can be worse for you than diet soda which, judging by how it tastes, is made out of antifreeze and dry-cleaning solution.
I won't try any of this "water" stuff until big oil stops pooping in it.
Drinking Diet Soda : Obesity :: Running a Cure-the-Gay Clinic : Being Gay
[Edit: I seem to have a pee leak. I was at 107 two weeks ago, and now I'm at 106. O what a world!]
It's actually Transformers XII: The Ultimate Dildo, but honest mistake.
I'm sorry but I just need to vent here: I am so sick of this goddamn, motherfucking, mother's wedding, piece of shit diet. Protein vomit shakes; no carbs, no deserts, no pop, no alcohol, no homemade potato salad and burgers on the grill. Plus, an hour of cardio every morning and weight training 3xwk. I never drink diet stuff anyways since artificial sweeteners give me a raging headache but if that's all I had to do to reach my goal at this point I might consider drinking radioactive pond scum. I still have over 3 wks to go. At least now I know how my ancestors survived the ice age, they were really good at storing fat.
Ah, didn't discover UC until college. The beer balls were totally in effect, though. I also remember a particular frat obtaining "Beer"…literally, that's all the cans said…for a party called "Cheap Domestic Beer Night" (never understood how that was substantively from other frat parties). Regardless, cheers to the cheap-ass beers of upstate. *Currently wishing I hadn't exhausted my supply of delicious Southern Tier yesterday.
An old roommate once bought beer that was just called "Beer" for a White Trash party we had. We poured it into a glass and it was green, with not much head. I don't think we found one single person willing to drink it.
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