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Welcome to the Parallel Universe Edition of The FLOTUS Files! Ever since our Michelle returned from Africa, she has been boring everyone with her fundraising parties and speeches about The Troops. The fat kids have proven to be more hopeless than expected, or something. So while we’re still in this FLOTUS lull/post-4th of July fireworks-induced stupor, let’s take a moment to consider something terrifying – a future without vegetable gardens and dance workouts. In this future, public schools are shut down for producing gay children, and American history ceases to exist. This is the world of potential FLOTUS Marcus Bachmann, the man behind the Crazy.

Maybe you have mistaken this person for her bodyguard, because of his tendency to block Michele Bachmann from “unflattering” photos and nearby human beings. But no, he is her husband. What is that like, we wonder?

Others who know the couple say Marcus Bachmann is a mild-mannered foil to his wife’s brand of red-meat conservatism. Discussing her parenting strategy, she has compared herself to the drill sergeant and her husband to the good cop.

“Marcus has a very relaxed and calm demeanor that serves as a wonderful counterbalance to Michele’s impulsive and compulsive personality,” said Ron Carey, Bachmann’s former chief of staff, who now supports Tim Pawlenty for president.

Oh! And also, absolutely everyone thinks he is gay. He runs some sort of mental health practice, because this is an easy thing to do, in Minnesota.

Already, his clinic has come under fire for taking Medicaid payments, but there are more questions surrounding the Christian-centric therapy. Among them are Bachmann’s credentials: He is not registered with any of the three boards that certify mental health practitioners and professions in the state. The Minnesota Board of Psychology and the Board of Marriage and Family Therapy confirmed to POLITICO that Bachmann is not licensed with them. And a search of the Board of Behavioral Health and Therapy license database returns no result.

Trisha Stark, of the Minnesota Psychological Association, said that the title “clinical therapist” is not widely used in professional circles and that Bachmann is able to operate his clinic because of state rules regarding mental health practice.

“Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license,” Stark said.

Obviously getting a license would be too much of a hassle when there is gayness to cure! Marcus Bachmann is very serious about that, and also about people staying away from his wife.

For now, though, he’s still playing the role of the protector, like when he wrapped up his take on having a successful marriage in Rock Hill with a warning to the 600 people who’d just been invited by the host to meet the candidate in front of her campaign bus after the event.

“The invitation to come out to the bus was just fine with me,” Marcus Bachmann said. “As long as you don’t touch her.”

If you touch her, she will melt, or turn to stone or whatever. Let’s hope this version of The FLOTUS Files never occurs again, ever. [Politico]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) blogs and obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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