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Welcome to the Parallel Universe Edition of The FLOTUS Files! Ever since our Michelle returned from Africa, she has been boring everyone with her fundraising parties and speeches about The Troops. The fat kids have proven to be more hopeless than expected, or something. So while we’re still in this FLOTUS lull/post-4th of July fireworks-induced stupor, let’s take a moment to consider something terrifying – a future without vegetable gardens and dance workouts. In this future, public schools are shut down for producing gay children, and American history ceases to exist. This is the world of potential FLOTUS Marcus Bachmann, the man behind the Crazy.

Maybe you have mistaken this person for her bodyguard, because of his tendency to block Michele Bachmann from “unflattering” photos and nearby human beings. But no, he is her husband. What is that like, we wonder?

Others who know the couple say Marcus Bachmann is a mild-mannered foil to his wife’s brand of red-meat conservatism. Discussing her parenting strategy, she has compared herself to the drill sergeant and her husband to the good cop.

“Marcus has a very relaxed and calm demeanor that serves as a wonderful counterbalance to Michele’s impulsive and compulsive personality,” said Ron Carey, Bachmann’s former chief of staff, who now supports Tim Pawlenty for president.

Oh! And also, absolutely everyone thinks he is gay. He runs some sort of mental health practice, because this is an easy thing to do, in Minnesota.

Already, his clinic has come under fire for taking Medicaid payments, but there are more questions surrounding the Christian-centric therapy. Among them are Bachmann’s credentials: He is not registered with any of the three boards that certify mental health practitioners and professions in the state. The Minnesota Board of Psychology and the Board of Marriage and Family Therapy confirmed to POLITICO that Bachmann is not licensed with them. And a search of the Board of Behavioral Health and Therapy license database returns no result.

Trisha Stark, of the Minnesota Psychological Association, said that the title “clinical therapist” is not widely used in professional circles and that Bachmann is able to operate his clinic because of state rules regarding mental health practice.

“Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license,” Stark said.

Obviously getting a license would be too much of a hassle when there is gayness to cure! Marcus Bachmann is very serious about that, and also about people staying away from his wife.

For now, though, he’s still playing the role of the protector, like when he wrapped up his take on having a successful marriage in Rock Hill with a warning to the 600 people who’d just been invited by the host to meet the candidate in front of her campaign bus after the event.

“The invitation to come out to the bus was just fine with me,” Marcus Bachmann said. “As long as you don’t touch her.”

If you touch her, she will melt, or turn to stone or whatever. Let’s hope this version of The FLOTUS Files never occurs again, ever. [Politico]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) blogs and obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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  • nounverb911

    Does Marcus enjoy it when his patients teabag him?

  • LabRodent

    "Marcus has a very relaxed and calm demeanor" GAY

    • Terry

      Really really really dedicated to praying away or otherwise curing people's gayness = deeply closeted, self hating gay person who really hopes he found a "cure" for his own feelings.

    • mannacler

      He's not gay. He's just fabulous.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Does he like gladiator movies?

      • horsedreamer_1

        He's definitely seen grown men naked.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      At least he's not some shrill, insufferable drama queen. Like SOME people I could mention.

      • GOPCrusher

        Hitler?

        • Veritas78

          Pope Benedict? Hugo Chavez?

          • Lascauxcaveman

            OK, now I don't know whether to say "Cleopatra" or "The Aristocrats!"

      • Negropolis

        Have you not seen this man? Maybe not shrill, but he's a bigger insufferable drama queen than his wife.

  • mavenmaven

    "Just don't throw water on her".

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Re the alt-text: 8564215965!!!!!

    • elviouslyqueer

      8675309, also.

      • Limeylizzie

        Oh no, I have no idea what you are talking about , the alt text had me befuddled as well. Am I not cool?

      • Geminisunmars

        hahahahhhaaahahahahha.

  • Wow, he's about as straight as a boomerang. I can't wait for his tea parties on the white house lawn with Ham Biscuits and Aaron Schock

  • Steverino247

    I'm sure they just hold hands and think deep thoughts–all of which are psychotic.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, I can sure see the attraction.

  • SorosBot

    Non-Dr. Marcus should follow Rand Paul's lead and the Board of Psychology of Minnesota to credential himself.

  • Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license

    Diagnosti-catin' deserves to be an equal-opportunity ball game, allowing for curve balls and/or their knuckleball spouses.
    Or as someone else stated in his unique way: "I may not know kara-te.. But I know k-razy!" In Minnesota that's apparently all you need to know to take a turn on the mound and put your own brand of rhetorical spin on certain mysteries-turned-ministries.

  • nonbeliever7

    Hmmmm…deeply protective of a women who wears way too much eye makeup and obsessed with curing the gay. Yea, that says it all.

  • HempDogbane

    This is the kind of heart-warming gay marriage story Republicans can get behind.

    • Weenus299

      Get behind! I see what you did there!

    • DashboardBuddha

      "Get thee behind me, patient."

  • Radiotherapy®

    You don't need a license to cure the gay.
    Just get government out of the way.

  • Sue4466

    He wrapped up his take on having a successful marriage in Rock Hill with a warning to the 600 people who’d just been invited by the host to meet the candidate in front of her campaign bus after the event. “The invitation to come out to the bus was just fine with me,” Marcus Bachmann said. “As long as you don’t touch her.”

    All fixed.

  • bigdupa

    Has he considered teaming up with Rand Paul to form the "League of Unlicensed Medical Providers?" Accreditation and tests are just socialist and elite means to track you. If they are sued for malpractice, can you use a lawyer who didn't pass the bar? The invisible hand, indeed.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The Invisible Hand is what he faps with.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Does this mean that Michele is a fag hag?

    • We already know she is afraid of scissors…
      ~

    • Terry

      In more polite circles, it's called being a beard.

      • I never understood that expression. "Being a bear", maybe. Assuming she's another Mama Grizzly.

      • MaxNeanderthal

        Looks like the biggest merkin since Cesar Romero to me…

      • Veritas78

        Or an "Elaine Chao." Or an "anchor wife."

    • widestanceroman

      Maybe, but it does prove he is a hag fag.

    • LetUsBray

      No question about the "hag" part, anyway.

  • FakaktaSouth

    So he got 137K Federal dollars by figuring out a way to make an unlicensed bullshit therapy clinic / personal dating service? No wonder these people think government is stupid and everyone is trying to game the system. They know from whence they speak.

  • Well, I think it's perfectly clear who wears the pants cockstraps in this relationship.

    • DashboardBuddha

      A family that straps-on together, gets on together.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Who gets the reacharound?

    • PristineODummy

      I just don't see Michele being all that into pegging. I mean, think of the santorum!

  • jus_wonderin

    I bet his closet is larger than hers.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Remember that Marcus picks out Michelle's clothing …

      linky

    • Terry

      Walk-in. The walk-out part hasn't yet occurred.

    • It will be once he comes out of it.

  • Terry

    "“Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license,” Stark said."

    That certain explains a lot.

    • V572 [SSAN]

      I've been practicing and practicing mental health, but just can't seem to get it right. Still feel a bit unbalanced. Little did I know I just needed a license! Do you get it at the DMV?

  • gullywompr

    I'd hit that.

  • PuglyDoRight

    I saw video of him for the first time, and my (very reliable) gaydar went DINGDINGDING.

    • You don't need reliable gaydar with Marc'y B. Even the old tube-powered models are good enough.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Hell, my gaydar is steam-driven and even I coulda picked him out of a lineup of interior decorators.

      • ttommyunger

        Hee, hee; tubes.

    • PristineODummy

      Mine leapt right out of me and smacked me unconscious, pulled down my pants, painted my ass blue, and stuck a dandelion flower in my butt. That man is GAY.

  • edgydrifter

    What a tragedy. This fine Christian therapist has spent so much of his life curing the gay syndrome that it appears he himself has become infected most acutely. Occupational hazard, I suppose.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Didn't Marie Curie die of radiation poisoning? Same deal, I reckon…

    • GOPCrusher

      Looks like he's had the "gay agenda" crammed down his throat a couple of times, too.
      For educational purposes only.

    • OneYieldRegular

      The Father Damien of Minnesota.

  • This can't be true. Marcus' Clinic is known for Turning gay Men Straight. If Marcus were gay, why would he tell gay men that he could help them become straight? He wouldn't want all those gays coming to his office and….Oohhhhhhhhh! Never mind.
    http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20075855-5

    • widestanceroman

      Based on nothing more than appearance, I'd do MicheLe before I'd do Marcus.

      • PristineODummy

        Pity Marcus doesn't feel that way, eh?

  • PsycWench

    "f you touch her, she you will melt, or turn to stone " (medusa lite)

    Fixed

  • Weenus299

    I take it the Bachmann door gets knocked on from time to time?

    • PsycWench

      only the back door

      • widestanceroman

        The tattoo of Hugh Jackman on her back is the only marital aid she owns.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license

    Apparently the Bachmanns practice but haven't perfected it yet.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Discussing her parenting strategy, she has compared herself to the drill sergeant and her husband to the good cop.

    Which means he probably hits with parables, instead of the more direct and forceful Jesus-boarding.

  • DaSandman

    Marcus has literally created a whole new treatment method in which he removes the ghey by taking the patient's entire package into his mouth. He can unhinge his jaw like a python, you see.

    Thats right, he sucks the ghey out. Completely. Cause once you've had head like that, you don't need anymore.

  • tihond

    First person to find a picture of Dr. Bachmann standing next to Larry Craig wins a no prize.

    • ttommyunger

      …or sitting.

      • MaxNeanderthal

        Stall divider will get in the way, shurley?

        • tihond

          Don't call me Shirley.

          • MaxNeanderthal

            "The public toilet? What is it?"
            "It's the little room where republicans tap-stance, but that's not important right now"

    • insidebeltway

      You can't stand that close to Craig. His wide stance takes up all the space.

  • Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license

    And with TPaw's beloved I35W collapse is a license required to do the engineering in MinnyHaHa, or is an MBA a reasonable substitute?

  • comrad_darkness

    Three time Winner of The Annual Pedobear Smile Award.

  • kissawookiee

    There's a Dorian Gray joke in here somewhere straining to get out, precisely unlike Marcus Bachmann and his closet.

  • DaRooster

    “The invitation to come out to the bus was just fine with me,” Marcus Bachmann said. “As long as you don’t touch her.”

    Gettin' a bit "I am NOT gay… don't touch my wife" ain't he… a little over macho Marcus.

  • prommie

    "Marcus Bachman" already soooo sounds like a gay porn name.

  • SorosBot

    Marcus Bachmann may not be a certified mental health practitioners, but given the couple's obvious brain damage of the type that can come from banging your head that has driven them mad, maybe he's a certified Metal Health practitioner.

    • BlueMonkeh

      causing a quiet riot, no doubt

  • Ducksworthy

    He can probably do more damage as a clinical therapist than Rand Paul can with his uncertified eye surgery.

  • ttommyunger

    “As long as you don’t touch her.” Marcus continued, "I mean, I've never touched her, so why should you? Every time somebody else touches her she gets pregnant, so just don't touch her, OK? Jeesh!"

    • PristineODummy

      I'll bet a 20 that Michele has never experienced an orgasm in her life. Unless it was with someone else. Cos Marcus ain't putting his face in the fish pool, fo sho.

      • ttommyunger

        If he did, it would be one of those half-hearted slurp jobs that just piss you off, then you'd have to suck him hard, 'cause he really didn't like it. Not worth the effort, I'm sure.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Holy shit…my gaydar just went into the red.

    • Barrelhse

      I got hard, and I'm not even gay.

  • bflrtsplk

    If you touch her, you'll get radiation poisoning.

    • Ducksworthy

      If you touch her, you'll turn gay. See what happened to me?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    "Michele’s impulsive and compulsive personality…" This is EXACTLY the type of person we need in the White House!

    • HELisforHEL

      And is she someone I can have a beer with? Because that's the most important quality I look for in a world leader.

      • PristineODummy

        Sure. Just rest it on the flat part of her head.

  • MissusBarry

    So, no license? Perhaps I'll hang out my shingle dispensing sane advice for a little extra cash. No, wait, you can't fix stupid.

  • There is no way this, umm, guy could have impregnated Michele once never mind 5 times which leads to the question. How did Michele Bachmann get pregnant? Multiple virgin births?

    • HelmutNewton

      I've been wondering that myself. Storks, maybe?

    • SorosBot

      The pool boy?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    How and when did the Republican primary contest turn into a really bad reality TV show?

    • GOPCrusher

      Jan 21, 2009

  • proudgrampa

    “Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license…”

    Well, that explains a lot.

  • HelmutNewton

    Story from Marcus's rent-boy(s) breaking in 3,2,1…

    • PristineODummy

      Oh, pleez, pleez, pleez, pleez, pleez.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Minnesota is one of and Alaska are possibly the only states in which you can practice a lack of mental health without is a license to print money.

  • fuflans

    so reading between the lines, michele is a harpy and marcus is dispensing medicine without a license?

  • GOPCrusher

    That picture has closeted gay TV evangelist written all over it.

  • Geminisunmars

    What is with the mouths of these closeted repub/fundie gays. I doubled checked by going to youtube and finding a video of him, and yup, he's gay (at least in "festiveness"), but that mouth is just like Ted Haggard's, and identifiable in a still. It's not so much a "gay" mouth, as a "hypocrite's" mouth.

  • Redhead

    "He runs some sort of mental health practice"

    It has the AFA's stance on teh geighs, Rand Paul's stance on government intrusion into the average citizen's ability to practice medicine on anyone, and, well, the AFA's (and Larry Craig's) stance on wide stances.

  • Warpde

    As long as you don’t touch her?
    Really? Like actually touch her? EWWWWW!
    I would rather swim in green sludge with that dip shit Inhofe then risk gettin a bad case of the Stooopid's.

    Oh yeah. He's Gay!

  • I think I figured out why they had so many foster children… "Not tonight Michelle, the children might hear us."

  • ttommyunger

    I've allus had a hankerin fer Brain Surgery. Now, how do I find a State that don't regulate Surgeons?

  • lilblacktombo

    They wouldn't license him because he's a professional twice over: an analyst AND a therapist. Minnesota's first Analrapist.

  • She has compared herself to the "drill sergeant"

    Then one day she was drillin at some dood,
    And up through the ground came a bubblin crude (santorum, that is).

  • Barrelhse

    Touch her? Like who carries around a 10 ft. pole?

  • Negropolis

    This whole Bachmann trainwreck is just tragic in everyway. Both of them are obvious damaged goods, and not just as politicians go. Dysfunctional doesn't even begin to describe these two. What's different about them as that while most family dysfunction largely stays internal, they are exporting their dysfunction and then under the guise that it's actually good and beneficial. These two are ill.

    Sorry for the lack of snark, but something just really hits me the wrong way about them. Michelle is earnestly and dangerously disconnected from reality, and I'm tired of seeing these vampires continue to victimize broken people. The Palin's do this, too, but they do it with a wink in a smile.

  • thedeathofirony

    Good to see Reuben Kinkaid working again.

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