america's crucial issues

Levi’s Sister Says Bristol Palin Was Part of Teen Sex Tent Party, With Levi

BFFs back in the sexy summer of '08.Are we still talking about the sex lives of former teenagers in Alaska during the Sexy Summer of ’08? Well then, Levi Johnston’s sister, Mercede Johnston, has a hot new blog review of Bristol’s teen vampire fiction, Not Afraid of Publicity. According to Levi’s sister, who knows all about what Bristol did that summer because duh, Levi, there are reasons to question Bristol’s heartbreaking account of being accidentally knocked up in a tent due to Levi being a sketch artist who knew the secret magical powers of Wine Coolers. This is important to American Politics, so let’s see where Mercede is going with it!

To recap, this Bristol Palin person was a teenager who got knocked up in the woods by her boyfriend, the guy she swore she was going to marry, because for inscrutable reasons John McCain picked this gal’s nutball mom to be the Republican vice presidential candidate in 2008, and now, many years later, this Bristol Palin is still somehow cashing in on being an unwed teen mom with literally no shame.

So Mercede — please don’t add an “s” to that name, because the Johnston kids all have singular versions of famous consumer brand names — writes some Wasilla hot gossip in her blog post, apparently because Bristol is claiming she was raped … by her longtime boyfriend, who she dated for years and went on National TeeVee to claim (after this alleged drunken date-tent rape) she was going to marry and love forever, until she got an agent. Oh who even knows, but Bristol Palin will somehow get another $250,000 chastity sponsorship out of all this.

One of the things that I remembered was that my much older cousin (he is in his 30’s) came up from the lower 48 to stay in our house while working with my father. We made him a bed in our downstairs living room which happened to be very close to my brother’s room. Apparently Bristol, the virgin, woke my cousin up several times with all of her …..well let’s just say “enthusiasm.” And by the way this was BEFORE that now notorious camping trip!

The next morning my cousin called my brother aside and had a talk with him. I think Levi was far more embarrassed than Bristol was because the next night she wasn’t any quieter.

And now you know … the rest of the story. Or not, who cares. [Mercede Johnston blog]

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    1. PristineODummy

      They're pretty damn feral already, how much wilder could they possibly get?

  1. MissusBarry

    Ew, I just don't want to know anything about Brisull's brand of "abstinence" and/or "drunky-wine-cooler-nonconsensual-sex." Vom.

      1. trampndirtdown

        Hd1 I am very disappointed in you. I've been through the entire thread and didn't see one mention. With the absence ( I hope temporary of Extemporanous) I have come to expect you to pick up the slack.
        "Pics or it didn't happen".

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Every time someone doesn't care, a Palin makes another quarter of a million dollars.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      ""Virgin" appears to be an honorary title in Wasilla."

      And a little-understood one, also too.

    2. PristineODummy

      Well, back in the old days, it just meant "woman who is not married, and therefore not subject to men." Or something. Anywho, that's Bristle's interpretation.

  2. johnnymeatworth

    Arnold Schwarzenegger's available now, maybe Bristol could start fucking him in hopes of producing an heir to run yet another western state.

    1. Guppy06

      And then writes a book about how fucking is horrible!

      Maybe she's doing the capitalist thing and angling for a state-sponsored monopoly on fucking.

  3. Chillwaver

    Fuck the Snobilly Grifter Klan and the grifters that grift after them. Seriously, if I don't hear about Wasilla ever again, I'll die a happy man.

    1. Terry

      Wasilla should go back to being known only for two things. One, being a town you drive through on the way from Anchorage to Denali, and two, for lots of police arrests for meth related crimes.

  4. SorosBot

    Wait, is Mercede suggesting that a Palin may actually have lied about something? How could that be with such an upstanding, honest, hard working and moral family?

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Don't forget thick skin.

      “I think we have some of the thickest skin,” 20-year-old Palin said of her family during an interview with the Arizona Republic. “We’re really tough, and what people say negatively about us, it’s like, ‘OK, whatever, they are entitled to their own opinion.’ But at the end of the day, we’re a close-knit family, and we have God on our side.”

      So there, wait, what?

  5. gullywompr

    Hey, give Brisket a break – she was obviously so drunk she didn't realize that guy was somebody else's cousin.

  6. Mumbletypeg

    aha so when the expression of ardor, worn on one's ring finger, is your former boyfriend's / fiancé's rapist's? let the record be revised to show tattoo's in wasillabillyspeak are a "map, not a contract!"

  7. JustPixelz

    Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin™ sure knows how to be a mama — trusting her 17yo daughter to be on these sleep-overs at the Johnston's and camping trips with Levi. "They're just teenagers, what's the worst that could happen?" she undoubtedly told hubby Todd as he came home from another massage.

    And that's why the Tea Party loves her. She understands Real Americans.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "And that's why the Tea Party loves her. She understands Real Americans."

      Yeah, she's thick as a brick, too.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Sorry, but "I know nothing" isn't the same as "nobody's known me."

      When I think of Levi, more and more I think of Alice's trips down the rabbit hole and through the looking glass. I just hope the guy gets his bearings back, and adjusts well to the real world now that he's back.

  8. philpjfry

    fuck this family and the horse they rode in on……if they haven't fucked it already because you know, that stuff sells

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Proudly, I was the first to downfist this. But I think it's due the seeming-opacity of the reinterpretation of the kids's names.

      As is: thinking about pre-teens, at a sex-party… You're lucky Chris Hansen has bigger things to worry about, right now.

          1. SorosBot

            Besides which, the racist connotations are so glaringly obvious (and the troll obviously knows it or he wouldn't use those names) that no response is necessary.

          2. Banned on Wonkette

            There are plenty of similarly in-eloquent posts between libunatics here on Wankerette. You folks sure do hate anyone who doesn't go along with your communist agenda.

          3. Gleem_McShineys

            Poor little martyr, you're just trying to get The Good Word to those heathen Wonketters, and they go and hit you with the naughty words! What is a poor little saint doing such good works to do?

            "Communist agenda!" Jesus, you're confused.

            I would just like to offer the amendment and Die

          4. GOPCrusher

            If Communism is bad, why do they have all of our money? Was Communism bad, when we were borrowing money from the Chinese at a frightening pace to fund the illegal war in Iraq? How and or when were the Republiklans planning on paying these loans off?

    2. SorosBot

      So 1) continuing the use of racist "jokes" about little girls, 2) "joke" about said little girls going to sex parties, and3) the weird use of "smart enough not to get punished with babies" as if that's somehow mockery, when most parents of girls old enough to be having sex (which the girls you are "joking" about aren't) would want them to be smart enough not to have babies.

      Congratulations, you have made the scumbag trifecta you pathetic little man, in addition to making another comment that's so nonsensical I can't tell what point you're trying to make, other than just throwing random racism, sexism and pedophilia out there.

          1. SorosBot

            And his random ramblings are pretty much all copies of crap he's posted before; the guy doesn't realize that saying the same thing over and over and over again makes him seem like even more of a deranged moron.

          2. mumbly_joe

            Obummer! Libunatics! EXTREME!! Double-standard! Robert Byrd, Democratic Plantation, the KKK wer libruls Demcrats, but also slavery wasn't actually so bad really and the Confederates were the good guys and Africans and Arabs did more of it if you pretend that all slavery practiced was equivalent and decide to stretch back through all of recorded history, so if anything, it's their fault.

            Did I miss any of the "important" ones?

          3. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Repeating the same moronic shit over and over gets him tons of upfists from the BrightFart crowd. They think he's hilarious — which says a lot about them.

          4. Immolate Heretics!

            All of them, Katie!


            57 states.

            Cheney's shotgun.

            Yeah, there's lots of originality among the libuneratti.

            I do sort of miss them screaming "Enron" every third word.

          5. mavenmaven

            He's also a racist mofo, here's a good example of his "wit":

            1 week ago @ – Medvedev says wants to… · 0 replies · +5 points
            Barack babymomma, do she be's off-limits?

        1. bflrtsplk

          Hey, rich tycoon ex-business creator who sold out for megabucks, seems you would have better things to do than make a fool of yourself on this blog, unless, of course, you fabricated the whole big shot thingee yesterday.

          1. PristineODummy

            Well, duh. You really think a rich tycoon ex-business creator who still HAS his bux would waste time piddling around on the InnerTubes?

          1. bflrtsplk

            SorosBot is entertaining. You're not. When you spend all day typin', how do you get to any of that volunteerin' that makes you so proud?

        1. mavenmaven

          You have frequently posted nasty comments about Obama's children under your various spanky names, and you call others pedophiles? I'd hate to see what kind of nasty kiddie porn is stored on your hard drive.

    3. GOPCrusher

      I can only assume that you typed this while wiping away those tears of impotent rage at the fact that your heroine has one daughter who is a confirmed drunken slut and the other is a foul-mouthed criminal.

    4. flamingpdog

      Banned on Wonkette??

      When I tagged Noman as Nomind, you switched to Gaetun Dugas. When I tagged you GayTom Dogass, you switched to Immolate Heretics. As soon as I tagged you HimmlerAte HairyDicks, you became Banned on Wonkette. You can't even deal with the world's lowest form of humor, and we're supposed to take anything you post seriously?

      1. ChessieNefercat

        I have dealt in real life with a couple of nasty, unbalanced, anger-filled stalker types. Call me a queasy coward, but it is no more pleasant to deal with these types online.

        This sick, twisted, perverted dirtbag contributes nothing, nothing, nothing to the Wonkette discussion. Nothing. I just have no problem at all with banning someone like him permanently and repeatedly as necessary. I really wish that could happen.

  9. mavenmaven

    She's just following her mother's footsteps, f@#%ing over as much of Merka as possible.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Selena Rose will play her turn in the lead into mega-stardom on the adult scene, & even legitimate roles in non-adult drama.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Sasha's too narrow/thin to play Bristol. Plus, she's too serious to do porn, anymore.

  10. tihond

    New addition to the AP Style Guide: "The Virgin Bristol Palin" on all references, as with The Virgin Connie Swail.

  11. Weenus299

    I wasn't there during the immaculate conception, but post Jesus-birth bible gossip shit went down this way, too.

  12. Manhattan123

    Please tell me the cousin's name was Pringle, in keeping with the family's naming tradition.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Coincidentally, that's the name of the STI Levi gave Bristol, or Bristol gave Levi. (Who knows who had it first: chicken-egg scenario.)

  13. BklynIlluminati

    Wait the one time Levi can probably out grift the grifters he decides to sit on his hands??? Levi buddy you need to be suing the pants off that family for that sweet sweet book money that is libeling you and there isn't even any blood involved oh wait it was her virginity. VIRGIN BLOOD LIBEL here people!!!!

        1. An_Outhouse

          First I thought, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' then I realized what is going on around here and I realized 'the terrorist/troll has won'.

        2. zhubajie

          Well, I've been wondering who's been tending the kid while Bristle is off dancing, buying houses in AZ, etc.

  14. aguacatero

    This is fine, but Mercede's sister Oldmobile dishes the scandal much faster and bitterer.

    1. FannyBurney

      That would be Oldsmobil, in keeping with the family spelling tradition of dropping the last letter in a brand name. See Grandma Pepto Bismo.

  15. lumpenprole

    Abstinence Ed Rep Bristol Palin sez "Wanna hear some Fucked Up Shit?"
    – wine coolers & stuff –
    "And that's why you should listen to me about teens not having sex."
    Am I missing something?

    1. NYNYNYjr

      So wine coolers and fucking and stuff, and then I got pregnant and everyone was like, that's cool Bristol, and then I went on TV, and wrote a book and got this job- plus this awesome baby! Anyway- don't fuck and don't use condoms if you do! Goodnight!

  16. El Pinche

    *sigh* I love sluts. Too bad Bristol looks like Jig Saw without the clown make-up these days..

  17. TanzbodenKoenig

    So who can convince me this isn't some sort of intricate reality soap opera or something that is being perpetrated on us as a nation. They are turning into caricatures of themselves; this can't be real… please tell me it can't be real?

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'm just waiting for Jerry Springer. Maybe this will be the Thanksgiving Pay Per View, the Johnston's and Palin's getting together for a food fight/clothes rending/ wrestling match.

  18. DaRooster

    "Apparently Bristol, the virgin, woke my cousin up several times with all of her …..well let’s just say 'enthusiasm.'"
    "My cousin told me about it when we were making love… it is Alaska after all."

    1. horsedreamer_1

      "My cousin told me about it when we were making love… It is Alaska after all".

      Must have been a Wednesday, too.

      It's Business… It's Business Time.

  19. KeepFnThatChicken

    How come this transcript reads like a Miss USA contestant's depiction of events?

  20. El Pinche

    Back from reading Mercede's blog. Excuse me while I go wash off all this white trash.

  21. SenileAgitation

    The comments on Ms. Johnston's blog seem to indicate Bristol had a black boyfriend in Juneau? How do you explain it? A black man in Juneau who likes pigs?

  22. GortRay

    Some semi-famous guy once said in reference to Britney Spears that Murica just loves white trash jailbait ass. I guess Bristol took that as career advice.

  23. tihond

    Drink idea: The Virgin Bristol Palin… It's everything that's in a Virgin Bloody Mary, but also includes some wine cooler and lots of Vodka.

  24. mavenmaven

    I think we should adopt Mercede here on Wonkette, there's a sad truth to these words and it does provide a perspective on the entire Palin victimhood scam :

    As for that "rape" allegation, I have to wonder if any of the millions of girls out there who truly have been sexually assaulted take offensive at Bristol claiming that her consensual sexual encounter in that tent gives her the right to place herself in their company? After all it is people like Bristol, girls who claim they were sexually assaulted when in fact they weren't, who give excuses for people to doubt the claims of REAL victims of assault or rape.

    1. Redhead

      "I have to wonder if any of the millions of girls out there who truly have been sexually assaulted take offensive at Bristol claiming that her consensual sexual encounter in that tent gives her the right to place herself in their company?"
      Yes, very much so. It happens anytime there's a false rape report in the news – this one just happens to be getting national media attention.

      Her claim that she got engaged to her "rapist" for attention makes me want to vomit. I wish it made her want to vomit – girl could stand to lose a few pounds, or 50.

      1. SorosBot

        Considering her mom's treatment of rape victims in Wasilla, I don't think these self-centered scum care at all how they may effect real victims.

  25. mumbly_joe

    So it's really not clear why she "wondered why it's called 'losing' your virginity" to paraphrase her terrible book, as all evidence suggests that she LITERALLY misplaced it.

    1. tcaalaw

      If I had to put the Palin family drama into the context of a Kurasowa film, I'd probably go with The Bad Sleep Well with Levi in the Toshiro Mifune role.

  26. Mahousu

    It is a blood libel to call Bristol Palin an "unwed teen mom with literally no shame." She is 20 years old now.

  27. LiveToServeYa

    Man, this drama is in-tents. Also! If Mercede's missing 's' migrated to Levi, think of all the jeans commercials he could make.

  28. proudgrampa

    Too tired to even type. Thanks, LabRodent:

    I JUST DONT CARE. Really I just do not care!

  29. elviouslyqueer

    I for one am waiting in breathless anticipation for the next installment of "Tundra Trash Tales." Breathless, I say!

    1. zhubajie

      Yeah, me too! Too bad none of them have any literary talent. What would Mark Twain or Faulkner do with this material?

    2. Ducksworthy

      There are strange things done in the midnight sun
      By the men who moil for gold;
      The Arctic trails have their secret tales
      That would make your blood run cold;
      The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
      But the queerest they ever did see
      And it made me think my vision was failin'
      Was the sight of a pregnant virgin Palin.

  30. MiniMencken

    So, where was the "Momma Grizzly" while all these sleep-over shennanigans were going on?

  31. DashboardBuddha

    "Levi…turn left a bit…no left DAMMIT! Fuck it, it fell out again…here, let me, DAMN! If only your cock was as big as dad's. What? You FUCKER! Well then throw your hotdog down some other hall! I'll finish myself.

    Oh god oh God oh GOD OH GODDDDDD!

  32. Darklady

    I'm no fan of Bristol Palin's, but she does NOT claim she got pregnant when she had sex with Levi in that tent.

    She claims she had her virginity "stolen" in that tent… the pregnancy came a couple of years later.

    According to Mercede, it was an intentional pregnancy, too, which could explain why miss "I'm only on Birth Control Pills for my cramps while Levi sometimes uses a condom" managed to get pregnant.

    Given that she talks about herself as a "slut" who liked getting drunk & stoned, as well as her mom thinking she was pregnant, I'm not buying the whole "I was a good girl until Levi introduced me to wine coolers" bit.

  33. ChessieNefercat

    Great. Bristol's a screamer. The Nation Needed to Know This.

    Fuck you, John McCain, to hell (i.e., living with the Palins forevermore) for all eternity for choosing as your running mate the dimmest, nastiest, griftiest, cuntiest person ever to grace a presidential ticket .

    And for thereby sentencing the nation to have to listen to these trailer trash classless dolts and their moronic prattlings on "You're a slut!", "No, you're a slut."

    Mercede may be a nice girl. Who knows? Certainly Bristol the lying, skanky, trashy grifterette is not a nice girl. But geez Louise, how did the squabbling of two teens and their unfortunate tawdry couplings become anything that anyone beyond the immediate families ever had to know a damn thing about?

  34. SaintRond

    I don't care what Bristol Palin sounds like in bed. However, for perverse reasons of my own, I rather would like to hear a recording of Sarah Palin being fucked really, really hard. I mean, come on.

  35. BerkeleyBear

    Mrs. Bear and I have been catching up on the early episodes of Glee on Netflix (yep, I'm a straight man who loves himself some cheesy musical theater) and in about the fourth episode, the cheerleader who gets knocked up says she only cheated on her boyfriend (breaking her Celibacy Vow or some such shit) with a bad boy because he "got her drunk on wine coolers". I'm guessing Bristol's ghost writer likes to fap to the porcelin skinned Mr. Colfer belting out showtunes and hoped no one would notice the lift.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Really?! Well, if we must have this trashfest shoved in our faces, it would be nice if this got some traction. So not only didn't sub-literate Bristol write this stupid "book", her ghost-writer didn't write it either?

  36. Barrelhse

    A few of the singular brand-names in use by the aforementioned trash would include Clorok, Maalok, Xerok, CV, Smith Brother, and Vick (VapoRub) Johnston.
    (Should be Johnton, probably.)

  37. FightingBill

    So Bristle likes to ride the hockey stick–Wasilla to you? She's a virgin, the Madonna kind.

  38. zappadoo76

    This is so exciting! Like watching an R-rated beach party movie with Annette and the gang.

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