In case you fall off a diving board or something this weekend, and land on your head and forget what country you’re in, this is a pretty good weekend, because there will be a hundred or so American Flags wherever you look. Approximately 235 years ago today — the exact date has been lost to history — the last of a bloated group of landed gentry and elite slaveholders finished signing some rambling pile of grandiosity apparently authored by Thomas Jefferson during one of his rare respites from impregnating his slave girls. And in another twenty years or so, thanks to the French finally winning a war somewhere, America the Beautiful was born. Let’s celebrate with that most American of traditions, the YouTube blog post.
Before we get to Elvis Presley on the eve of his death, on a toilet, singing “America the Beautiful,” let’s enjoy America’s #1 King onstage during one of his legendary drug-fueled rants. In this one, he does his Fat Albert imitation, makes race jokes, and talks about the government conspiracies against him. Never forget!
Now here’s his shitty version of this weird song:
And here’s Leonard Cohen’s “Democracy”:
Oh sorry, that was a patriotic lie. Let’s enjoy Iowa’s greatest hero, John Wayne Gacy, say that sex poem he used to read before he strangled those young men, for America:
And we’ll leave you with President John Quincy Adams, father of our country, singing this Belgian folk song from the First World War:
Oh sorry. SORRY!!!!!
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Happy B-Day US America. Just remember, overripe mayo left out in the heat is bad. That is all.
Kind of like an empire 65 years past its "best by" date.
Watchu talk' 'bout? America is like a fine wine or cheese, not a gallon of common spoiled milk. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Until very recently, I hoped so, too. Now all I see is Night Train and Velveeta.
And even under-ripe mayo doesn't need much heat to ripen.
But isn't overripe mayo good with santorum? At least, that's what I hear.
I thought santorum WAS overripe mayo. Good with tossed salad.
It's a great day for hacked Fox News to tweet that Obama was assassinated.
cue the "why'd they get our hopes up for nothing?" tweets from Lovers of Freedumb.
The dearth of barely contained glee marked it immediately as fake.
After all, what's more patriotic than a faux assassination report from a faux news source? But the downside is all those bubbas hung over getting the tweet,and then the awful news that the president is still near. It will be a good transition into the work week for them, assuming they have jobs, or a good transition to the futile search for work week if they don't. Disappointment on a weekend always makes the work week seem less undesireable.
A step too far. This is to Wikileaks what illegible grafitti is to Crime and Punishment.
Jack, is that you?
Original, long-form Declarations only accepted here.
May I suggest Laurie Anderson's tribute to patriotic music?
Or on Military Spending?
Does Pamela Anderson have one?
On a day like today I can but cite the words of the immortal Frank Zappa, who titled chapter 12 of his autobiography "America Drinks Beer and Goes Marching."
And then there's the track titled "America Drinks and Goes Home." Yeah, Frank.
I love America warts and all.
Me too, DW, me too. If I didn't she wouldn't break my heart.
Today, let's honor the hero drone pilots that make this the land of the free and the brave by playing video games that kill brown people on the other side of the world in more and more countries every year.
They're all heroes.
Gahh, that first one. If there's a clunkier lyric than "I told my boys the only prayer we had now was to pray," I don't want to know about it.
Never mind fog…on a mountaintop…in Iraq…and a combat scenario that sounds like something from a bad WWII movie…
What the fuck–I guess we can at least praise this song for accurately reflecting what the average American understands about Iraq.
I just couldn't bring myself to click the bitch even though it's about my favorite joke, Jesus Christ Almighty.
Tonight I plan to continue our annual tradition of viewing parents who realize that it is not a good idea to take very young children to the fireworks display.
Yeah, young children probably top the list, but let's not forget, housecats, dogs, birds, and PTSD sufferers as well. As cool as they are to watch, a lot of creatures don't look forward to the fourth. ER personnel dealing with the blowback are another group that shudder at 7/4. Drunks with blowed off fingers, blinded eyes, and disfiguring injuries take a little shine off the festivities for them too. We had some goober up here lighting black powder for a demonstration (of how drunk he was? Stupid?) who managed to not only light the small pile he poured out of the can but the can in his hand resulting in 3rd degree burns to the face. FREEDUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!!!1!
Darwinism is efficient but it's not very nice.
Well, yes, but the enjoyability factor of watching idiot drunk parents try to comfort their horrified screaming spawn is totally WINNING, DUH. ER casualties, not so much.
PsycWench, such excursions make the stuff of tales you can tell yer kids' significant others thirty years from now. Ask me mum to share her tale of her and me at a 4th of July at Soldier Field in the early 50s.
While one can understand and empathize the plight of young parents who would like to do something "normal", like go to the fireworks out on the municipal golf course or the city park and think that taking the kids isn't the worst thing they could do…
WHEN THE KIDS ARE RUNNING AROUND FINDING DOG SHIT TO FLING AT EACH OTHER ITS TIME TO GO HOME.
"WHEN THE KIDS ARE RUNNING AROUND FINDING DOG SHIT TO FLING AT EACH OTHER ITS TIME TO GO HOME." Now there is a quote for our times, it sounds like the current political environment and it is about all that is being accomplished. I may have it done up as a sampler.
Needz moar boots up asses! Cause these colors don't cry!
Yeah, well, these geniuses are pretty adept at getting their own boots up their own fucking asses, so just hang in there and soon they'll be pretzeling right good for your amusement.
What the fucking fuck!?? I listened to 28 second of that Jim Owen video…did some human being actually write that piece of shit? What ever bit of patriotism I had just got washed away by the bit of musical diarrhea.
Needs moar swamp kicking patriotizm.
Bring 'em home Barry, & not in body bags.
I passionately recommend going off the diving boards whenever it is possible to get near one. The view from up there has improved ever since they started to become high-liability rarities.
I somehow made it through Jim Owen's song in its entirety. Here's the short version:
Scared, sissy American troops are peeing in their pants because the laughing Iraqis are going to kill them, so Jim, who was apparently there despite being 87 years too old for military service, prays to Jesus, who waves the Magic American Flag and makes a holy Fog of the Lord appear so the brave American soldiers CAN SNEAK AWAY LIKE A BUNCH OF PUSSIES.
Ain't exactly "Ballad of the Green Berets," is it?
It would be funny if the Americans sneak away because the Muzzies stopped to pray.
Or as a wonkateer said about some clown at Beck clown rally:
"He pulled out a phosphorus grenade, and it went of in his face, not the face of the gook it was intended for. Now he stands here with us, so we may send have more young people get their faces blown off in new and even more endless wars."
Happy Barbeque Day everybody.
Ribeye for me! Screw the diet today…
Pork ribs for me. Not bad for a first time.
On this Glorious 4th I face a quandary, stay home and celebrate with hamburger, alcohol and perhaps buttsechs or venture forth for illicit drugs and fireworks. Patriotism is never easy.
Tough decisions … hope you managed to get the buttsechs!
You'll need the drugs anyway, and fireworks is only once a year, so have sex later when you get home with the shit.
Areyoufuckingkiddingme??? You'd give up hamburgers, alcohol, and buttsechs for … OK, maybe the illicit drugs. Never mind.
Personally, nobody represents what America is all about better than R Crumb.
And that last horrific fucko is a Christian missionary in India.
Psst, Jimmy. Spoiler alert: They already have a religion there. It's called Hinduism. It's older and even more ridiculous than your Christian nonsense, and they seem pretty happy with it.
Well, depending on which flavour you espouse, you have an awful lot of, um, room for self-expression, or something like that. Or so said my cousin as he ran away from home to join up with a bunch of guys who sleep in cemeteries, drink alcohol, smoke hashish, and indulge in LOTS of sex. Unfortunately, they do it all in graveyards, which, maybe you need to anaconda it's, like, stinky and gross in there and stuff. And then there's my ex, who's a vegetarian-for-life, but likes leather and vacuuming up spiders.
You're right, it is ridiculous.
Happy 4th. I'm getting drunk, going for a walk in the fog and redwoods, charring some flesh on the grill and blowing shit up. And probably only one of three people here in the Emerald Triangle not celebrating with a bowl of Humboldt's Finest.
Sucks getting drug-tested.
Wow, nothing beats the description on that final youtube vid of how sick we are in today's Merka:
Missionary Jimmy Johnson has no talent for rap, but we hope the silliness will bring humor to the foolishness of giving Obama dictatorship powers of America. We are warning people that Obama is the ordained Future Antichrist of
Revelation 13, Future Leader of the New World Order led by the United Nations.
Even Brother Stair knows better than you!
Enjoy your grilled anus-burgers and bbq hobo beans, fellow Wonketeers, and don't forgot the 235 years of self serving ambition, graft, and petty political infighting that brought us the "prosperity" we are enjoying today. USA! USA! USA!
I'm staying in to drink beer, watch the James Bond marathon and weep for America.
It's that time of the year where everything sounds like "Stars and Stripes Forever" including rap videos and my teacher talking.
No Whitney at Super Bowl 25?
Independence Day makes me want to listen to the Grateful Dead, so I am. What's more patriotic than dropping acid with 10,000 freaks? Its the epitome of freedumdz! Freedom from the man, work, sanity, and personal hygiene.
Wave that flag, wave it wide and high.
Summertime done, come and gone, my, oh, my.
http://animalsbeingdicks.com/
This is my favorite July 4th video, it has EVERYTHNG. A hot dog, fireworks, the family!
By my count, Elvis was the only one who actually DID anything patriotic. Too bad he let the Dragon get the best of him in the end. The rest of these Fuckos, John Wayne included, are poseurs at best, grifters at worst. BTW, I didn't waste any of my few remaining moments watching these vids, I get enough empty patriotism without going out of my way to click on it.
Happy 4th, ttommy.
I didn't watch 'em either. Twenty seconds of sappy-ass maudlin patriotism (santorum?) is plenty for me.
I've got bigger cakes to light.
I've had a gut-full of Toby Keith, Ted Nugent and Rush Limbaugh patriotism; it just really pisses me off.
Fortunate Son was painfully good, though.
I'm to old or too dumb to get the reference and too lazy to google it.
http://kalimao.blogspot.com/2011/07/bring-troops-...
It was very popular in VN.
I was never there.
I like this new classic, myself.
Now I hate myself for pushing the number of views up to 871,165. Only Jeebus or beer can heal my resultant self-loathing … A cool one coming up!
I kind of like this reality where southerners just sang about northern hypocrisy instead of yammering about it on Faux News. At least back then southern politicians were honest about being asshats.
merkia is sexyer when i'm drunky
johnnyluvsjesus?
Well that explains it.
I leave you with a comment from one of his disciples……..
"thanks for this man, nice message. no black president or politician should strive for peace and love because only whites are allowed to do that.
what a great video!"
Happy 4th Mericans.
Thumbs up all around. It's on the house.
But remember. Never drink and drive.
You may hit a bump and spill some.
♫ "The young man beside me began to softly cry. He said, 'Sarge, tonight we're all gonna die.' " ♫
This SHIT is supporting the troops!!!?????
GRUNT LIBEL!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fe0q8Lq3L2Q
I loved my country a lot more before I got a high enough clearance to know what she was really up to.
Did they give you a computer, Bradley? suprising!
And that was in 1980. I can imagine what she's up to today.
Just because I know doesn't mean it's a good idea to tell everybody, so fuck Bradley.
God's Nads…I sobered up for THIS?
That's it. I'm going back to the Twilight Zone Marathon.
Happy 4th, everyone. Try not to blow off any appendages or set things on fire that don't need setting on fire.
I was under the impression that if you saw blue-eyed Jesus waving the stars and stripes you were already dead and in heaven.
The 4th of July is the best holiday of the year because it has fireworks, bbq and no obligatory gift giving, decorating or family gathering. Hope you all had a good time today. I had a wonderful trail ride with my son and 2 new friends plus our cruddy little town actually put on a pretty decent fireworks display last night. Also, not gonna harsh my buzz by clicking on any stoopid videos tonight, reading troll droppings is bad enough.
Good god. I can practically hear Elvis sweating in that first clip of his. Do they make "Elvis is my homeboy" t's?
BTW, Elvis was so much more lucid whilst high than Amy Winehouse is, today. Kids these days, and not knowing how to handle their drugs and alcohol…they just don't build 'em like Elvis, anymore, huh?
Kick ass USA!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mUB7iDAaEk
That first video just made me throw up a bit in my mouth. Jesus waving the American Flag, really? Wow. just wow.
that last video dude is way flushed. he might want to check that out.
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