Hello! The boss said to post a link to his new column about, uh, sustainable housing (?), but to make it look magnanimous by also linking to some actually funny stuff written by other Wonkette alumni from the class of 2010 or whenever. So here goes!
- Juli Weiner is now in charge of Vanity Fair‘s magazine covers featuring long dead members of the British Royal Family, and her VF covers will mercilessly stomp Newsweek in the “dead royals photoshopped into pictures of alive royals” genre of modern magazine cover design. [Vanity Fair]
- Speaking of dead royals, putting dead Princess Di as an alive 50-year-old person standing next to actually alive surviving royal children/spouses is a joke by Jack Stuef, from two years ago. And now it has come 100% true. Thanks, Jack? [Jack Stuef/The Onion]
- Jim Newell won seven Pulitzers for explaining that congresspeople will only go to work in the summertime if they’re allowed to dress in ridiculous seersucker old-timey suits and bowler hats and carry white canes. Seersucker, though. Mostly seersucker. Picture cannot be unseen. Also: Was John Lennon actually a Reaganite neo-conservative? This is not a Slate contrarian essay. [Gawker]
- Retired editor Ken Layne has a new twice-monthly column on this fair/sustainable housing (?) website. He is going around making people turn their crappy tract houses into beautiful modernist nature buildings, apparently. Oh and his book is an Indie Press Book Pick, according to Twitter and Left Eye On Books, which is a reading site for the right-eye impaired. [Four Story/Twitter]
We are now trying to write something funny about Amazon seceding from California or whatever’s going on. Who will win in 2012? Okay bye for now.
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I have a copy of this week's Newsweek magazine, that shows Diana, computer- enhanced, aged to 50 years-old, wrinkles and all, and standing next to Kate Middleton. I am completely offended by it because it implies that the royals do anything that would cause stress and wrinkles. The Queen Mother is like, 182 years-old and looks to be only 163 years-old. No royal woman has the wrinkles that a common woman would have from squinting at her husband and asking, "You want me to suck WHAT?" That's what Camillas are for.
I'm starting to believe that Barb is just a program that writes the first comment to every Wonkette article. And I will continue to believe that until I'm sent photos proving otherwise, preferably nude photos.
From all the people who try to guess who I am, you have come the closest. Let me know if you got the nakkie pics.
You get naked pictures just for asking?!? I knew I was doing something wrong.
I long ago speculated about that in print here. I've come to believe, however, that she is not a robot but a sentient who gets a pre-feed of Our Wonkette a minute earlier than everyone else. Oh, and two other things. First, even a one minute head start cannot account for this heroic capacity for teh funny. I hate her. Second, why the fuck didn't Owls get any nekkidnesses?!?!
That's not avian transcendence!
I agree – the Queen Mother looks great for someone who's been dead nine years.
The mummifying capacity of large quantities on single malt over decades are such that she is no doubt preserved as well as any Pharaoh.
I heard that she favored gin, but same difference.
Genius.
Heh. I've got wrinkles from all the constantly screwing up my face and saying pleeeeease?
If Diana was alive today, she would be living with Elton John and David Furnish in a "Threes Company" type reality show.
It would costar Lindsey Graham and would be called, "Buckingham & Biscuits"
Right. Lindsey would play the Norman Fell/Don Knotts role.
But with more ascots and *swish*…
I am offended by the Newsweek article because it implies that the royal family are relevant, that we should give a shit about them, and that the death of a stupid spoiled rich lady was somehow a tragedy when the real tragedy is that the Brits haven't abolished this anachronism yet.
It's either princess di or lindsay lohan. No-one reads glossy magazines about what's happening in the lives of the intelligentsia ("Paul Krugman caught on video during latte bender!").
Hey, at least Mean Girls was good, so Lohan has accomplished something in her life unlike that waste of air Diana.
Enh. I give her some credit for, back in the days when people thought you could get AIDS from a handshake or a toilet seat, she went our hugging AIDS patients to dispel that fear. Also the work with the land mines. She knew the media was gonna spotlight her wherever she went. At least she tried to do some good with that.
Mean Girls was alright, but Herbie: Fully Loaded is a timeless work of sheer genius.
I think you can thank Tina Fey for Mean Girls. Just sayin'.
Funny story: Lindsay Lohan was originally turned down for the roll because she was deemed "too family friendly" to appear in a screenplay that originally had, to quote Ms. Fey, "wall to wall titties."
I think Barb is secretly one of the editors. How else would you explain her consistency at being first comment, and her consistency at being the funniest bitch in the bunch?
T'aint poss'ble, son.
Could she be Wonkbot in sentient form?
Barb, along with Wonkette Jr, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, Jim Newell, Jack Steuf, Riley Waggeman, and six other former Wonkette personalities, is trapped inside Ken Layne, who never left at all, and is the bastard child of Sybil
The Sunday Times Book Review reports that Pricess Di is alive and well living in the town of Kensington.
Yeah, I hear she holds high tea with Biggie, Tupac, and Elvis every Friday.
Wasn't that the plot of Bubba Ho-Tep?
Bruce Campbell is an American treasure.
But on Saturdays she comes to North Carolina to eat barbeque with Dale Earnhardt Sr.
And on Sunday she brunches with Ann Richards and Lady Bird Johnson on Galveston Island.
"Ken Layne…..He is going around making people turn their crappy tract houses into beautiful modernist nature buildings, apparently."
Ken Layne is Howard Roark?
Many late-night fists for that.
I, for one, am looking forward to the day that Wonkette is nothing but links to former writers.
Imagine all the sheeples, it's easy if you cry…
Meh… Juli Weiner, Jack Stuef, and Jim Newell all peaked during their time at Wonkette. We are still waiting for Ken Layne to peak and then we will (finally!) let him go. Gotta peak first, Ken!
No Sara K. Smith!?!??!?!?!
No Pareene, either, even though he's one of the funnier bloggers on Salon, and he attracts humorless trolls like flies to vinegar* because of it.
*try it next time; it works!
& whatever happened to John Clark, Jr.?!?
/broken record
especially fruit flies. and even more so, fruit flies that are in denial.
Yeah, well maybe no SKS but what about baby SKS?
Josh Fruhlinger we hardly knew ye.
And remember those token tinted and gay fellows, Cord Something and Evan Something?
I'm starting to think their bodies are stashed somewhere in Ken's foreclosure compound along with the Canadian guy.
Has he ever denied it?
BRING BACK ANA MARIE COX!!
Yeah, cuz she brought the buttsechs like nobody else.
I saw her husband — I think it was him, anyway — on MSNBC a coupla days ago, & I got to wondering: is the buttsechs tiring, after a time, like too much?
i would never tire of buttsexing her.
Also, don't bring back Ana Marie Cox. She has been completely co-opted by the Village. To be fair, she didn't sell out, she bought in. Oh, who am I kidding? She totally sold out.
Keep up that High Frequency Cox Transitioning and you'll be questioned by the SEC!
Ahhh, hahaha, good joke.
What, you mean the Indian and the construction worker?
Or at least find a new redheaded tattooed smart tough broad who likes to say "assfucking" all the time.
Ken Layne could have said so much funny about ranch houses (and even about "interpretive centers"), but instead he went all serious about remodeling greenly. >_< He got a good dig in on Nevada's governor though, so not all is lost.
In other news, no more Amazon for Calif? (or something, it really didn't make a lot of sense) Wait, um, no, so it's no more Amazon ADVERTISING dollars for Calif. blogs? Herm. It is another state law that wasn't carefully considered first — which only screws regular people over (and the point to the law will never happen). Instead of Calif. getting money, it looses it. Some law makers should have lawyers look their work over before they submit it. I feel sorry for the bloggers who are screwed over by this.
Some law makers should have fifth graders look their work over before they submit it.
Fixed
What do sustainable housing and Princes Di have to do with Sarah or Buttsechs?
Easy. Sarah thinks that she's the U.S. Princess Di, but I'd say she's more like the U.S. Margaret Thatcher, only more defeated.
Diana's fashion sense really has gone down the tubes since she died.
Wait, I thought Ken was quitting the Internet? What happened??!
Did he quit quitting? Is Ken Layne secretly Lou Sarah???!!! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE
Quitting Wonkette isn't technically quitting the internetz, though, it probably should be.
What, no Basil Marceaux or Alvin Greene updates? Dang.
Marceaux-Greene 2012. The best things to come from South Carolina & Tennessee since Andrew Jackson.
This message brought to you by Unity2012. Queen Latifah, Treasurer.
For alliterative effect it should be Seersucker Sunday. Though either way Matlock's gonna be irritated he wasn't invited.
The Princess Di cover is nice, I suppose, but the ONION Weekender really only needs one cover. Ever.
Cracks me up everytime I see the small-scale, b/w version in the print issue.
Ugh- I glanced at that Zombie Princess Di disappointment in the Newsweek sidebar first thing this a.m. .. thought "ah, it's great to be awake, for skidding around embarrassing tripe like this" — then I come over to teh wonkett, and it's like a hall of mirrors, distorting and magnifying what I just saw & tried to avoid.
/ actual snark still warming over on the hot-plate
Well, I didn't exactly expect that a weekly on par with The Economist would result from the Newsweak/Daily Beast mashup.
I haven't been to Gawker in months. I still like the editorial (somewhat) but it's like the commenters are hitting the keyboard with a club—'Must get out thoughts! Thinking…is…PAINFUL! ME SMASH!!'—and so on.
Agreed. The arrogant douchebag factor is high over there.
I remember that the comments used to mostly be fairly decent, and there were a lot more of them. Wha' happened?
I want to upfist you 9287349283742938742938743928739824373 times but it will only let me upfist you once.
So, upfist yourself and think of me! or something…
Thank you. I will imagine myself with the world's largest p-ness.
Jim writes something funny and the commenters sit around bitching about their seersucker outfits? Didn't they used to be the sophisticated ones? I'm glad I can count of the Wonkette Brigade to bring me Comedy Gold daily.
Today is Friday for me. No workee again until next Tuesday. Is it 4 pm yet? I need cocktail.
Je refuse – as far as ervrythang else is concerned.
About Newell's piece, it's the one day of the year that they take off their cocksucker suits.
"Former editor Ken Layne"?
As I mentioned to our troll who linked to that Lennon article (but late, after the thread was mostly dead), it just took a tiny bit of research to find that the Toronto Sun which was the source of tha story is modeled after the UK Sun, and is likewise a combination celebrity gossip rag and right-wing propaganda outfit known for completely making shit up and has 0% credibility.
John Lennon – right winger. Uh-huh.
No it makes sense, it just means that Lennon's soul died, like all right wingers.
I've been wondering if Kate will be continuing the tradition that Di established of squeezing out bastard heirs sired by various footmen?
It won't be necessary- her husband isn't in love with a horse- oh, sorry, a horsefaced woman.
Oh I think that royal tradition started way before Diana. Take the Empress Messalina ; for one; if you've read or seen I, Claudius, the scene where she challenges, and beats, Rome's top prostitute in a contest for partners in one night probably really happened.
"Retired editor Ken Layne"
What the hell did I miss? I thought he posted here like yesterday?
It would be irresponsible not to speculate.
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