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Teevee MILF Learned Hard, Gross Way Not To Sleep With NY Pols

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Sirens woo woo BREAKING NEWS update: did you know that 1960s New York City was dirty, and Hollywood actresses have sex? In a detail from her upcoming book that was surely picked at random, not to promote the book whatsoever, Florence “Mrs. Brady” Henderson reveals that she got the crotch crickets this one time she sexed New York City mayor John “Poor Man’s Roger Moore” Lindsay, and it was as foul and sleazy as you would expect. Typical dirty New York liberals:

“I was lonely. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do,” writes Henderson, who was married at the time.

Henderson returned home after the romp. When she awoke the next morning, she spotted “little black things” crawling over her body.

Henderson immediately called a doctor who helped her get rid of the tiny parasitic insects also known as pubic lice.

Lindsay, ever the politician, sent Henderson flowers and an apology letter.

[NY Daily News]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    I bet Robert Reed was jealous.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I assumed Reed was into younger guys.

  • nounverb911

    More likely Sarah got them from Tod.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas crabs.
    ~

  • Come here a minute

    Politifact gave Florence Henderson their highest score, "pants on fire".

    • horsedreamer_1

      They're jealous she had sex.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Pants on fire" is a great way to get rid of crabs, actually.

  • DrunkIrishman

    That's nothing, Sam once slipped Alice a tube steak.

    "Oh, Alice!"

    • BloviateMe

      Yeah but he was thinking of Bobby the whole time, I bet. I never trusted that Sam bastard. Enjoyed hacking up meat and talking with the kids just a little TOO much.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. Everyone knows that Alice preferred the fish. Get it? Get it?

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      "I'm like Sam the Butcher, bringin' Alice the MEAT."

  • PsycWench

    For the love of God, no "you know who else blah blah blah" meme, I am begging you.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      That's right…HITLER!
      ~

    • gullywompr

      June Cleaver?

      • BeWoot

        Barbara Billingsley once served me milk and cookies … while the Eddie Haskell guy was behind us, hitting on some local girls. I swear this is true. And I will always cherish the memory.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      How about an @Pete Hoekstra?

      Mrs. Brady getting crabs from Mayor Lindsay is just like when the Khmer Rouge forced the people to leave the cities and live in the countryside, resulting in the deaths of between 1.4 and 2.2 million.
      ~

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, of course.

    • PsycWench

      Damn you people.

      • AJWjr.

        Bastard People, totally.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        In the words of Bill O'Reilly, you were just asking for it.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        You know who else damned us people?

        • OhNoGuy

          Bill Burroughs with his little Thanksgiving (or was it Xmas??) prayer.

    • nounverb911

      Lucy Ricardo?

    • Come here a minute

      Marion Cunningham?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Lizzy Borden?

    • finallyhappy

      All of them Katie!

  • gullywompr

    Lousy fucking politicians!

  • PsycWench

    and I thought Briston Palin's wine cooler story was TMI.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      You know who else… oh never mind.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Knowing anything about Sarah Palin™ and her family is TMI.

  • edywin2

    And John Lindsay was…a moderate Republican! Whoohoo! Just another reason to run a primary tea party candidate against his rotting corpse.

    • SorosBot

      A moderate Republican who switched parties to run for President when the racist former Dixiecrats began to take over the party with the dawn of Nixon and Reagan's southern strategy.

  • Goonemeritus

    I always knew Lindsay wasn’t just making that “Fun City” shit up.

  • Barb

    Why kind of flowers do you send someone after giving them pubic lice? Pussy willows?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Crabgrass, obvs.

      • PsycWench

        Beaten by 60 seconds!

    • PsycWench

      Crabgrass.

    • bagofmice

      A crowbar?

    • not that Dewey
    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Anything without aphids.

  • SorosBot

    And yet, Lindsay still has more grace and dignity than Rudy Giuliani.

    • V572 [SSAN]

      Pretty low bar you've set there. Like saying, "Well, at least Dane Cook is funnier than Carrot Top."

  • BloviateMe

    Sleep with Coulter and you wake up with horseflies, I hear-tell.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      If you ever get your chance with Michele Bachman, I hear she likes it when you turn her over and drive.

      • DaRooster

        Ba-dum-dum

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Sleep with Anne Coulter and your asshole hurts for a week.

    • OhNoGuy

      Don't you mean blow flies?

    • flamingpdog

      Or fruit flies?

  • SayItWithWookies

    And now Barry Williams (aka Greg Brady) breathes a sigh of relief that his date with Florence never got past a goodnight peck.

  • BarackMyWorld

    There was that hinting that Betty's husband was going to leave Rockefeller to work for Lindsay. I can totally see Henry Francis pimping out Betty to his boss.

    And then she turns into a diamond-telepath and kicks everyones' asses.

  • Troglodeity

    Any word on whether Greg Brady got the crabs too?

  • catchtheflava

    I hear Lindsay got 'em from when Shanker and Quill gangbanged him.

    God, but THOSE were labor unions!

    • LesBontemps

      You clearly have teh oldz.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Oliver stuck it in Kitty Karry-All and Tiger watched!
    True story.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Keep those Shakes the Clown references coming…we could be on the verge of a meme!

    • bumfug

      "Shakes the Clown" had the best movie-poster slogan ever: "The Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies."

      • not that Dewey

        That raises more questions than it answers. What is the "gone with the wind" of alcoholic clown movies?

        • littlebigdaddy

          George W. Bush's administration?

    • bumfug

      "Shakes" fun fact: Voice of Spongebob, Tom Kenny, played cokehead villain clown Binky.

  • Callyson

    Ah, but who gave Mayor Lindsay teh crabs?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Abe Beame?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Margaret Trudeau would be a timely guess.

      • V572 [SSAN]

        Which would mean that Leonard Cohen gave them to Rebecca de Mornay. Where does it all end?

    • not that Dewey

      Fiorello LaGuardia?

    • Steverino247

      Eva Braun?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Buster Crabbe?

      • V572 [SSAN]

        Many conceptual upfists for your Flash Gordon reference!

    • jus_wonderin

      Kevin Bacon??????????

    • Negropolis

      Raquel Welch? She's a random, advanced sexpot, right?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Michele Bachmann has the kind of crabs that burrow into your brain, obviously.

  • hagajim

    I wonder if Florence got the crabs before or after she banged Greg.

  • Lucidamente1

    Oh yeah, well JFK gave Angie Dickinson the cooties.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    I…really don't need to know this.

  • BloviateMe

    The crabs reported they woke up with a case of the Hendersons.

    I don't know who to believe anymore.

    • DaRooster

      Hairy and the Henderson…

    • OhNoGuy

      Apparently you can cure pubic lice but not public lice.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Helpful hint, if you ever have to use the crab cream, make sure you read the directions. DO NOT just apply to the "affected area." Although they prefer the coziness of the groin area, they are not averse to immigrating to the more-lightly-but-still-forested regions of the torso when chemical weapons are brought to bear, as I learned to my regret during my first experience with the critters after my ship left Subic Bay lo these 30 years ago. Thank Christ I caught on before they got to the Viking beard I had going back then.

    • Billmatic

      I'm going to guess Navy because no branch of the armed forces is more depraved.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Join the Navy and Learn a Trade!! Ha! Sleazery and debauchery amongst the various fleshpots of the Orient was what attracted me in my dissipated youth, certainly not the technical training. Who gives a fuck about running a lathe?

        • catchtheflava

          Maybe the crabs did, but I guess we'll never know now.

          If you had kept them around for long enough, maybe you could have gotten them to qualify as dependents. Hellooo, tax-free money.

        • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

          You left out the homoerotic rituals, such a meeting King Neptune.

    • zhubajie

      The Navy: It's more than ships at sea!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    There isn't one really; just an excuse to use that fantastically hilarious term "crotch crickets."

    • bagofmice

      Can they tell the temperature?

  • Gopherit

    Still not as awesome as Chris Dodd getting crabs from his son.

    • zhubajie

      It's quite possible to get'em without having any fun. If your shipmate in the next bunk has them, they may jump to your bunk, too!

  • fartknocker

    Florence was nothing but a cock tease but I did fantasize about lesbian lovefest with her and the Golden Girls. Raquel Welch my friends is definately a MILF.

    Letting the fapping begin.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Careful Florence. Levi Johnston may invite you over for wine coolers now that he knows you're easy.

  • bagofmice

    That helps.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I must say that I have a newfound respect for Mayor Lindsay now. Oh, Mrs. Brady!!

  • dr_giraud

    the moral of this story? the moral of this song? simply that one should never be where one does not belong

    which is anywhere, banging a Republican

    • flamingpdog

      If Lindsay were alive today, he wouldn't even be a Blue Dog DINO, much less a RINO.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Believe me, delivered flowers solve EVERY problem with teh ladies!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Tiger Woods, take note.

    • HistoriCat

      Does FTD have a "sorry I gave you an STD" bouquet?
      Does 1800FLOWERS have a "oops – forgot to tell you I'm married and have 4 kids" arrangement?

  • CthuNHu

    For a devil strumpet?

  • V572 [SSAN]

    A lot of people don't know the correct treatment for genital lice. It is as follows:

    1. Get an ice pick, a straight razor, a can of lighter fluid and a lighter.
    2. Shave off half your pubic hair.
    3. Douse the remaining pubic hair with the lighter fluid, and light it with the lighter.
    4. When the lice run out into the shaved area, stab them with the ice pick.

    You're welcome!

  • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

    And here I thought it was hookworms. That it could be both blows my mind and makes me ill.

  • Guppy06

    "Lindsay, ever the politician, sent Henderson flowers and an apology letter."

    Does Hallmark make a card for that?

  • Tommmcattt

    I never saw what the big deal was about crabs. If you give them names they become tiny pets!

    • jus_wonderin

      I think the naming downside is you quickly run out of names.

  • jus_wonderin

    "Lindsay, ever the politician, sent Henderson flowers and an apology letter."

    Who, in their right mind, would take receipt of the letter after the first "correspondence"?

  • zhubajie

    I hope he paid her doctor bill, too.

  • finallyhappy

    I am old so I don't know if "crotch crickets" is a new term or not but it is funny.

  • user-of-owls

    Oh for the love of christ, it's fucking hookworms with that tribe, hookworms!

    Now, do they have king crabs too? Entirely possible. But respect is due to the Palin Hookworm Conjecture.

  • user-of-owls

    Brady' Bunch porn? Ha, surely you jest. Amateur Hour at best. Consider that at the same time, Linc (a Negro, btw) was poking Julie (strung out, btw) who was strap-on poking Pete (ookie that way, btw) on the Mod Squad, and that the incest within the Partridge Family is so lurid and criminal that it's best not raised even here.

  • Papa_Uniform

    Jeez. Florence remembers who she did in the sixties??

  • ttommyunger

    Crabs, Florence? Is that the best you can come up with? Clapp or GTFO!

  • http://wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

    Next thing you know, we'll hear about Cloris Leachman doing it with Mad Sam Yorty back in the day.

  • OhNoGuy

    Even so, YOU should have sent HER a thank you letter. Ingrate.

  • crybabyboehner

    Flo Ho?

  • Negropolis

    You see? Yet further proof that our elders were some klassy bastards. Well, at least more klassy than we are. I mean, to give both the gift of crabs and apology flowers? How selfless. Us kids, today, will give your skanky asses a shout-out on Facebook, and that's about it.