NOT THAT ANYONE IS SURPRISED  3:16 pm June 28, 2011

Teevee MILF Learned Hard, Gross Way Not To Sleep With NY Pols

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Sirens woo woo BREAKING NEWS update: did you know that 1960s New York City was dirty, and Hollywood actresses have sex? In a detail from her upcoming book that was surely picked at random, not to promote the book whatsoever, Florence “Mrs. Brady” Henderson reveals that she got the crotch crickets this one time she sexed New York City mayor John “Poor Man’s Roger Moore” Lindsay, and it was as foul and sleazy as you would expect. Typical dirty New York liberals:

“I was lonely. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do,” writes Henderson, who was married at the time.

Henderson returned home after the romp. When she awoke the next morning, she spotted “little black things” crawling over her body.

Henderson immediately called a doctor who helped her get rid of the tiny parasitic insects also known as pubic lice.

Lindsay, ever the politician, sent Henderson flowers and an apology letter.

[NY Daily News]

 
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{ 112 comments }

nounverb911 June 28, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I bet Robert Reed was jealous.

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I assumed Reed was into younger guys.

nounverb911 June 28, 2011 at 3:20 pm

More likely Sarah got them from Tod.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 28, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas crabs.
~

Come here a minute June 28, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Politifact gave Florence Henderson their highest score, "pants on fire".

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm

They're jealous she had sex.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 28, 2011 at 5:05 pm

"Pants on fire" is a great way to get rid of crabs, actually.

DrunkIrishman June 28, 2011 at 3:22 pm

That's nothing, Sam once slipped Alice a tube steak.

"Oh, Alice!"

BloviateMe June 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Yeah but he was thinking of Bobby the whole time, I bet. I never trusted that Sam bastard. Enjoyed hacking up meat and talking with the kids just a little TOO much.

elviouslyqueer June 28, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Oh please. Everyone knows that Alice preferred the fish. Get it? Get it?

MLHencken June 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm

"I'm like Sam the Butcher, bringin' Alice the MEAT."

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 3:24 pm

For the love of God, no "you know who else blah blah blah" meme, I am begging you.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 28, 2011 at 3:26 pm

That's right…HITLER!
~

gullywompr June 28, 2011 at 3:29 pm

June Cleaver?

BeWoot June 28, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Barbara Billingsley once served me milk and cookies … while the Eddie Haskell guy was behind us, hitting on some local girls. I swear this is true. And I will always cherish the memory.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 28, 2011 at 3:31 pm

How about an @Pete Hoekstra?

Mrs. Brady getting crabs from Mayor Lindsay is just like when the Khmer Rouge forced the people to leave the cities and live in the countryside, resulting in the deaths of between 1.4 and 2.2 million.
~

BaldarTFlagass June 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, of course.

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Damn you people.

AJWjr. June 28, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Bastard People, totally.

BaldarTFlagass June 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm

In the words of Bill O'Reilly, you were just asking for it.

JustPixelz June 28, 2011 at 6:56 pm

You know who else damned us people?

OhNoGuy June 29, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Bill Burroughs with his little Thanksgiving (or was it Xmas??) prayer.

nounverb911 June 28, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Lucy Ricardo?

Come here a minute June 28, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Marion Cunningham?

weejee June 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Lizzy Borden?

finallyhappy June 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm

All of them Katie!

gullywompr June 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Lousy fucking politicians!

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm

and I thought Briston Palin's wine cooler story was TMI.

Sharkey June 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm

You know who else… oh never mind.

JustPixelz June 28, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Knowing anything about Sarah Palin™ and her family is TMI.

edywin2 June 28, 2011 at 3:29 pm

And John Lindsay was…a moderate Republican! Whoohoo! Just another reason to run a primary tea party candidate against his rotting corpse.

SorosBot June 28, 2011 at 3:33 pm

A moderate Republican who switched parties to run for President when the racist former Dixiecrats began to take over the party with the dawn of Nixon and Reagan's southern strategy.

Goonemeritus June 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

I always knew Lindsay wasn’t just making that “Fun City” shit up.

Barb June 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Why kind of flowers do you send someone after giving them pubic lice? Pussy willows?

elviouslyqueer June 28, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Crabgrass, obvs.

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Beaten by 60 seconds!

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Crabgrass.

bagofmice June 28, 2011 at 4:12 pm

A crowbar?

not that Dewey June 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm
KenLayIsAlive June 28, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Anything without aphids.

SorosBot June 28, 2011 at 3:31 pm

And yet, Lindsay still has more grace and dignity than Rudy Giuliani.

V572 [SSAN] June 28, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Pretty low bar you've set there. Like saying, "Well, at least Dane Cook is funnier than Carrot Top."

BloviateMe June 28, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Sleep with Coulter and you wake up with horseflies, I hear-tell.

Lascauxcaveman June 28, 2011 at 4:04 pm

If you ever get your chance with Michele Bachman, I hear she likes it when you turn her over and drive.

DaRooster June 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Ba-dum-dum

KenLayIsAlive June 28, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Sleep with Anne Coulter and your asshole hurts for a week.

OhNoGuy June 29, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Don't you mean blow flies?

flamingpdog June 30, 2011 at 1:40 am

Or fruit flies?

SayItWithWookies June 28, 2011 at 3:35 pm

And now Barry Williams (aka Greg Brady) breathes a sigh of relief that his date with Florence never got past a goodnight peck.

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm

There was that hinting that Betty's husband was going to leave Rockefeller to work for Lindsay. I can totally see Henry Francis pimping out Betty to his boss.

And then she turns into a diamond-telepath and kicks everyones' asses.

Troglodeity June 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Any word on whether Greg Brady got the crabs too?

catchtheflava June 28, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I hear Lindsay got 'em from when Shanker and Quill gangbanged him.

God, but THOSE were labor unions!

LesBontemps June 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

You clearly have teh oldz.

DerrickWildcat June 28, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Oliver stuck it in Kitty Karry-All and Tiger watched!
True story.

littlebigdaddy June 28, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Keep those Shakes the Clown references coming…we could be on the verge of a meme!

bumfug June 28, 2011 at 4:04 pm

"Shakes the Clown" had the best movie-poster slogan ever: "The Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies."

not that Dewey June 28, 2011 at 4:15 pm

That raises more questions than it answers. What is the "gone with the wind" of alcoholic clown movies?

littlebigdaddy June 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

George W. Bush's administration?

bumfug June 28, 2011 at 4:10 pm

"Shakes" fun fact: Voice of Spongebob, Tom Kenny, played cokehead villain clown Binky.

Callyson June 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Ah, but who gave Mayor Lindsay teh crabs?

BaldarTFlagass June 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Abe Beame?

Lascauxcaveman June 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Margaret Trudeau would be a timely guess.

V572 [SSAN] June 28, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Which would mean that Leonard Cohen gave them to Rebecca de Mornay. Where does it all end?

not that Dewey June 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Fiorello LaGuardia?

Steverino247 June 28, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Eva Braun?

elviouslyqueer June 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Buster Crabbe?

V572 [SSAN] June 28, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Many conceptual upfists for your Flash Gordon reference!

jus_wonderin June 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Kevin Bacon??????????

Negropolis June 30, 2011 at 4:14 am

Raquel Welch? She's a random, advanced sexpot, right?

littlebigdaddy June 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Michele Bachmann has the kind of crabs that burrow into your brain, obviously.

hagajim June 28, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I wonder if Florence got the crabs before or after she banged Greg.

Lucidamente1 June 28, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Oh yeah, well JFK gave Angie Dickinson the cooties.

4tehlulz_lite June 28, 2011 at 3:54 pm

I…really don't need to know this.

BloviateMe June 28, 2011 at 3:57 pm

The crabs reported they woke up with a case of the Hendersons.

I don't know who to believe anymore.

DaRooster June 28, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Hairy and the Henderson…

OhNoGuy June 29, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Apparently you can cure pubic lice but not public lice.

BaldarTFlagass June 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Helpful hint, if you ever have to use the crab cream, make sure you read the directions. DO NOT just apply to the "affected area." Although they prefer the coziness of the groin area, they are not averse to immigrating to the more-lightly-but-still-forested regions of the torso when chemical weapons are brought to bear, as I learned to my regret during my first experience with the critters after my ship left Subic Bay lo these 30 years ago. Thank Christ I caught on before they got to the Viking beard I had going back then.

Billmatic June 28, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I'm going to guess Navy because no branch of the armed forces is more depraved.

BaldarTFlagass June 28, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Join the Navy and Learn a Trade!! Ha! Sleazery and debauchery amongst the various fleshpots of the Orient was what attracted me in my dissipated youth, certainly not the technical training. Who gives a fuck about running a lathe?

catchtheflava June 28, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Maybe the crabs did, but I guess we'll never know now.

If you had kept them around for long enough, maybe you could have gotten them to qualify as dependents. Hellooo, tax-free money.

MLHencken June 29, 2011 at 2:52 pm

You left out the homoerotic rituals, such a meeting King Neptune.

zhubajie June 28, 2011 at 7:37 pm

The Navy: It's more than ships at sea!

Lascauxcaveman June 28, 2011 at 4:03 pm

There isn't one really; just an excuse to use that fantastically hilarious term "crotch crickets."

bagofmice June 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Can they tell the temperature?

Gopherit June 28, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Still not as awesome as Chris Dodd getting crabs from his son.

zhubajie June 28, 2011 at 7:39 pm

It's quite possible to get'em without having any fun. If your shipmate in the next bunk has them, they may jump to your bunk, too!

fartknocker June 28, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Florence was nothing but a cock tease but I did fantasize about lesbian lovefest with her and the Golden Girls. Raquel Welch my friends is definately a MILF.

Letting the fapping begin.

ingloriousbytch June 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Careful Florence. Levi Johnston may invite you over for wine coolers now that he knows you're easy.

bagofmice June 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

That helps.

BaldarTFlagass June 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I must say that I have a newfound respect for Mayor Lindsay now. Oh, Mrs. Brady!!

dr_giraud June 28, 2011 at 4:19 pm

the moral of this story? the moral of this song? simply that one should never be where one does not belong

which is anywhere, banging a Republican

flamingpdog June 30, 2011 at 1:49 am

If Lindsay were alive today, he wouldn't even be a Blue Dog DINO, much less a RINO.

littlebigdaddy June 28, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Believe me, delivered flowers solve EVERY problem with teh ladies!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 28, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Tiger Woods, take note.

HistoriCat June 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Does FTD have a "sorry I gave you an STD" bouquet?
Does 1800FLOWERS have a "oops – forgot to tell you I'm married and have 4 kids" arrangement?

CthuNHu June 28, 2011 at 4:44 pm

For a devil strumpet?

V572 [SSAN] June 28, 2011 at 4:45 pm

A lot of people don't know the correct treatment for genital lice. It is as follows:

1. Get an ice pick, a straight razor, a can of lighter fluid and a lighter.
2. Shave off half your pubic hair.
3. Douse the remaining pubic hair with the lighter fluid, and light it with the lighter.
4. When the lice run out into the shaved area, stab them with the ice pick.

You're welcome!

drrty_martini June 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm

And here I thought it was hookworms. That it could be both blows my mind and makes me ill.

Guppy06 June 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

"Lindsay, ever the politician, sent Henderson flowers and an apology letter."

Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Tommmcattt June 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I never saw what the big deal was about crabs. If you give them names they become tiny pets!

jus_wonderin June 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I think the naming downside is you quickly run out of names.

jus_wonderin June 28, 2011 at 5:33 pm

"Lindsay, ever the politician, sent Henderson flowers and an apology letter."

Who, in their right mind, would take receipt of the letter after the first "correspondence"?

zhubajie June 28, 2011 at 7:29 pm

I hope he paid her doctor bill, too.

finallyhappy June 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I am old so I don't know if "crotch crickets" is a new term or not but it is funny.

user-of-owls June 28, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Oh for the love of christ, it's fucking hookworms with that tribe, hookworms!

Now, do they have king crabs too? Entirely possible. But respect is due to the Palin Hookworm Conjecture.

user-of-owls June 28, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Brady' Bunch porn? Ha, surely you jest. Amateur Hour at best. Consider that at the same time, Linc (a Negro, btw) was poking Julie (strung out, btw) who was strap-on poking Pete (ookie that way, btw) on the Mod Squad, and that the incest within the Partridge Family is so lurid and criminal that it's best not raised even here.

Papa_Uniform June 29, 2011 at 1:47 am

Jeez. Florence remembers who she did in the sixties??

ttommyunger June 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Crabs, Florence? Is that the best you can come up with? Clapp or GTFO!

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 29, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Next thing you know, we'll hear about Cloris Leachman doing it with Mad Sam Yorty back in the day.

OhNoGuy June 29, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Even so, YOU should have sent HER a thank you letter. Ingrate.

crybabyboehner June 30, 2011 at 4:19 am

Flo Ho?

Negropolis June 30, 2011 at 4:20 am

You see? Yet further proof that our elders were some klassy bastards. Well, at least more klassy than we are. I mean, to give both the gift of crabs and apology flowers? How selfless. Us kids, today, will give your skanky asses a shout-out on Facebook, and that's about it.

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