Pat Robertson: History Will Reverse Itself To Punish Gay Marriage Law

Zombie hate turd Pat Robertson has issued his Official Statement regarding New York’s new gay marriage equality law, and it is not pretty. Is everybody ready? Here it is: history’s immutable cycle of birth and decay and the periodic rise and downfall of each and every human civilization is hereby canceled, because from now on, owing to the New York gay marriage law, all the 100% straight-mandatory civilizations will get to stay, and the non-gay-hating civilizations will perish forever. 

From Right Wing Watch:

“We’re heading that way as a nation. In history there’s never been a civilization ever in history that has embraced homosexuality and turned away from traditional fidelity, traditional marriage, traditional child-rearing, and has survived. There isn’t one single civilization that has survived that openly embraced homosexuality. So you say, ‘what’s going to happen to America?” Well if history is any guide, the same thing’s going to happen to us,’” he predicted.

Pat Robertson seems to think that the Aztecs, the Romans, the Ottomans, the Mongols and the Native Americans were all pretty gay, otherwise they would still be here. [Right Wing Watch]

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  1. hagajim

    When did marriage get co-opted by Christians? Last I checked it was originally set up to provide stability and wealth accumulation, well before Christianity ever existed. Stupid fucktards. Besides – the gayz should be able to have the opportunity to be as miserable as the straights.

    1. tessiee

      "the gayz should be able to have the opportunity to be as miserable as the straights"

      Yeah! Let *them* try to write six slightly different thank-you notes for six identical Mr. Coffees!

      1. cheetojeebus

        Conservative zombie hate turd packer with a santorum mustache??

        Who are we kidding, this guy prolly hasn't had sex with anyone but himself for decades and he doesn't even enjoy that.

  2. Billmatic

    The Romans were very gay. They were also child molestors. And people wonder why the Catholic Church coddles boy touchers…ancient tradition, yo.

    1. SorosBot

      The Romans were actually just as homophobic as Americans were until recently; it's the Greeks who loved boy-touching, and most people mistakenly apply that to both ancient cultures.

      1. Billmatic

        There you go again SorosBot, hell bent on destroying the world through facts and humanitarianism.

      2. Fare la Volpe

        True. The Romans only tolerated boy-touching if it was a Roman citizen touching his slave. And then only if the Roman was on top during the rape.

        Otherwise it'd just be obscene.

      3. HistoriCat

        Oh, well the Greeks. You know they had all of that elitist "learning". Except for the Spartans of course. They were real men's men – you know? After all – that's what it looked like in the movie 300. Wasn't it Allen West who spoke approvingly of the movie and the manly men portrayed therein?

        1. SorosBot

          The Spartans had very manly, tough soldiers, who were encouraged to fuck each other to bond.

      4. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Well, the Greeks structured it mostly as a part of a more complex mentor/trainee relationship, which ended when the student reached maturity and (usually) married a woman.

        Hey, look, the Greeks are still around! Unless the ancient gay is responsible for their current debt crisis.

        1. Rotundo_

          Pat is probably thinking about their going from empires to "just countries". He either is ignorant or omitting the whole "costs of maintaining an empire" which had a whole lot more to do with the empire surviving long term. The whole "murkin sepshunalism" thing has been a nice run, but thanks to poor planning and greed it's done. The asians are where the money and power reside these days. Then they'll sputter out and it will be the roaches turn for empire. Though they seem to have a pretty good foothold already.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      The Neaderthals were totally gay. That's why we Cro-Magnon dudes got all the hottest chicks. So Pat's like, totally right, on this one.

    3. zhubajie

      Check-out Plato, on how the most important part of your son's education was the right older man as lover!

  3. Goonemeritus

    One he is full of shit most civilizations didn’t even think it was that strange. And two you could just as easily say there has never been a civilization that embraced televangelists and survived.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      No civilization has ever embraced Pat Robertson's Age-Defying Shake and survived. Just sayin'.

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      Even more simply, there has never been a civilization that has survived forever.

  4. Terry

    Without his TV show, old Pat would be writing his manifestos on pieces of cardboard taped to his old broken down car and driving around town all day to spread the word.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Then he snorts a line of K over at the Cock Pit, shimmies down the pole at the Man Hole, and finishes out the night with a rousing game of "who's in my mouth?" down at the Tight End.

        1. johnnymeatworth

          And then tomorrow night is Uniform Night at the Iron Bear. God really DOES work in mysterious ways!

    1. mumbly_joe

      That's the thing that gets me. As far as I can tell, wouldn't it be every bit as accurate to say that no civilization that has refused to accept as an equal and equally valid variation of human sexuality has ever survived, either?

  5. DaSandman

    Is this that really old vampire fuck from True Blood?

    Why doesn't he have a stake in his chest?

    Apparently mindless hate makes you immortal albeit really really ugly.

    Speaking of which, where's Dick Cheney ?

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    In history there’s never been a civilization ever in history that has… turned away from traditional fidelity, traditional marriage, traditional child-rearing, and has survived.

    So, it's Newt's fault!!!

  7. Ducksworthy

    Pat, regarding Sodom and Sodomy, please tell us how Lot managed to reproduce after his wife was turned into a salt shaker (no offense meant to any surviving shakers).

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Lot's wife became useful with the invention of the margarita, so Lot was able to impregnate her once her work at the local cantina was finished for the evening.

    2. mavenmaven

      Not a happy answer, but I guess one that's ok with most of Robertson's followers- he impregnated both his daughters. "uh, but at least he weren't gay"

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Well, the complete answer would be "impregnated both his daughters after they got him stinking drunk." But you're right, because "Getting dad drunk and then incestuously raping him" just screams wholesome family values.

  8. baconzgood

    WRONG Pat! All civilizations collapsed because of their lack of Silly Puddy technology….Think about it.

    1. Barrelhse

      You mean like the newlyweds who confused vaseline and window putty? and all their glass fell out?

  9. donner_froh

    Pat, just cut to the chase:
    In history there’s never been a civilization ever in history that embraced homosexuality and turned away from traditional fidelity, traditional marriage, traditional child-rearing, has survived.

    Fuck you and your Amerikkkan exceptionalism.

    1. SorosBot

      NO NO lalala I can't hear you America will last forever and it will always always be the most powerful and bestest country in the world~!

    2. Pithaughn

      If the gay don't get you then the imperialism will. Pat does not understand how to determine cause and effect. There were plenty of "civilizations" that were neutral regarding who played with who under the blankets, but there are no civilizations that survived as imperialistic adventurers. The US style of imperialism is sold to us as the one true way to be imperialists, but to the folks where the rubber meets the road? The new imperialist is the same as the old imperialist. I doubt the rebel fighters in Libya give a rat's ass about the status of gay marriage in NY. However, the tacit US support of Quaddafy all these years is something they will never forgive us for.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Jimbo: (Seeing Lisa and Nelson kissing) "Dude, you're kissing a girl! That is so gay!"

  10. Ohforcripessake

    Too bad Jesus wouldn't make an appearance on Pat's show to tell him what's what. What a hateful sack of shit Pat is.

  11. fartknocker

    I didn't watch the video and I won't. The last thing I need is some bible thumping turd telling me how I should live. And worse is that he sticks his nose into the straight versus gay argument. I don't care because I just the couple to be happy. Pat, go sell some bumper stickers and Jesus bobbleheads while your pandering for money.

    And show us your tax records and demonstrate your giving your proceeds to something more valuable than an I-Pad app called "Pat's favorite Jesus sing-a-long songs." You're nothing but fucking used car salesman – your more dangerous because you think you have some special spiritual power because of the tee-vee.

  12. EatsBabyDingos

    Needz moar Charles Taylor blood diamonds. What a blob of gelatinous maggot-vomit, but I mean that in the nicest way!

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Yo, Pat. "Embracing homosexuality" is not the same as "being tolerant." One thing I cannot personally tolerate is intolerance.

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      I hate hate and myself for hating it. My new nickname is SID: Standard Issue Democrat.

  14. DaRooster

    So you can't reproduce from gay sex? How will we ever survive? 'Cuz we know there aren't enough people havin' passels of kids.

  15. philpjfry

    It seems odd to me that God will destroy america because we want everyone to be equal and not discriminated against, but he seems to be OK with us declaring war against the rest of the world, punnishing poor people for being poor and just being hatefull to one another. God has strange priorities.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Well, we are discussing the same deity that picks one football team over the other on Sunday afternoons in the Fall.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yeah, but God sent floods to Minot ND as punishment.

      Maybe I should start a TV ministry and solicit donations to buy God some glasses.

    1. jus_wonderin

      At first I was afraid,
      I was petrified,
      Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side,
      But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong
      And I grew stong
      And I learned how to get along
      And now you're back
      From outer space,
      I just walked in to find you here
      With that sad look upon you're face,
      I should have changed that stupid lock,
      I should have made you leave your key,
      If I'd known for just one second
      You'd be back to bother me.

  16. EatsBabyDingos

    You are not saying that with profound sorrow in your heart. Thanks for making my day!

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Guess Noman will be weighing in with some lame "5700 Club" joke here momentarily.

    Or did I beat him to it?

  18. Chillwaver

    "But Obummer said there were 57 states!" What? Sorry, I know it's not related to this, but that's all I've seen today, on every board, every site. Seriously, does anybody under 65 still listens to Pat?

    1. donner_froh

      Even if Obama had said there were 157 states he would still be a smart, articulate person while all the right wing assholes are still just right wing assholes.

    2. proudgrampa

      "Seriously, does anybody under 65 still listens to Pat? "

      Unfortunately, he is the reason I had to take away the checking account from my 96-year old Mom.

  19. PsycWench

    Which is why Massachusetts, the state with the longest tradition of gay marriage, has had multiple earthquakes, tsunamis and floods.

    1. riverside68

      And the Vandals. (Not to be confused with the Vandelles, although I'm not too sure about them either.)

  20. jus_wonderin

    Pat seems to ignore that civilizations/empires have a limited shelf life anyway. Can anyone locate our Use By date??

  21. Doktor Zoom

    Here's a fun question to ask Believers:

    "So, can you give me an example of something that you and God disagree on?"

  22. mrblifil

    Pat's avid focus on the ways and means of the gay community is hard to ignore. Perhaps he should start exploring some sort of outreach initiative.

  23. GregComlish

    No modern civilization has been able to survive without Craigslist casual encounters m4mw, mw4w, etc.

    Only true bisexuals will survive. All other must perish.

    1. Noman

      In order to graduate from high school, students should be required to engage in interracial homosexual encounters.

      Only then will we eradicate homophobia and racism.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            Yes, you are, especially considering you find just the concept of interracial sex to be somehow a punishment.

      1. SorosBot

        Your attempts at sarcasm show that you don't really get this whole freedom thing that liberals support, do you?

          1. SorosBot

            Sometimes, you can tell what he's trying to get at with his "jokes", though they are always not funny, and often based on ludicrous right-wing memes & conspiracy theories, or racist/homophobic/misogynist etc, or both.

          2. not that Dewey

            This troll has occasionally made me chuckle. It's as though he almost gets it. He could be funny, if he wanted to, but the urge to be an idiotic troll almost always gets the better of him.

        1. GOPCrusher

          But at least he/she took down the gay pride flag. Must be going back into the closet.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    I love me some freaky Christian fundamentalists — here are all the normal people wandering around at the scene of a car crash trying to figure out what went wrong — someone says it happened because it was raining and the pavement was wet; someone supposes that the driver was on the phone or otherwise distracted. Someone guesses that maybe an animal was crossing the road and the driver swerved to avoid it. And then there's Pat Robertson, authoritatively declaring that the accident was God's punishment for the driver getting a blowjob from a stranger in a parking lot five years ago. One world, different planet.

    1. Steverino247

      Well, to be fair, it WAS a helluva blowjob and the driver was remembering it in such detail that the red light ahead could not be seen through his squinting eyes as he masturbated to the memory.

    2. zhubajie

      The rhetoric can be entertaining if you don't take it personally. Listen to a lot of preachers and you'll find their rhetoric amazing, and their messages entertainingly stupid. Radio is the best medium: it's far cheaper, so the preacher doesn't have to please as many listeners. Short Wave or podcast is the best of all!

  25. Dudleydidwrong

    Thanks for that link. I'm glad that Pat helped us win the war in Korea. (Uh, what's that? We didn't win? Oh, well, at least the officers drank well…)

  26. Doktor Zoom

    Seriously, we are going about this all wrong. Maybe we should start editing Wikipedia to say that there actually are 60 states.

  27. franco_pinyon

    Tornados and floods ripping through the "heartland." Arch-conservative Arizona spontaneously combusting. Newly gay paradise New York due for a high of 84 and a little light rain today.

    Are you sure you're listening to the right voice, Pat?

  28. WhatTheHeck

    Wait. I think he has a point. Where is the ancient civilization of the Amazonian women today?

    1. SorosBot

      In the wake of the (atrocious) Amazons Attack! crossover, most have had their memories wiped and are living as normal women scattered throughout the world, with only Hippolyta, Diana herself and a few others remaining on Themyscira; however, the upcoming reboot of the DC universe yet again will probably reset the status quo.

  29. oldmayfly

    Yes, and then Pat sued the congressman who Did serve in combat in Korea for telling the truth about Pat's "service" when Pat was promoting himself as a "combat veteran." This was when Pat was running for president. Pat lost the suit, of course.

    1. zhubajie

      USMC vets I've spoken to uniformly have a very low opinion of Pat! Abandoning your comrades on the eve of battle is unforgivable! It is NOT Semper Fi.

  30. ganmerlad

    "In history there’s never been a civilization ever in history that has embraced homosexuality and turned away from traditional fidelity, traditional marriage, traditional child-rearing, and has survived."

    In history, no civilization that has embraced heterosexuality, fidelity, man/woman marriage and homeschooling has survived.

    Typically, the reason civilizations keep dying is that they are taken over by narcissistic power mad crazies. God really hates them. (Pat, look up! There is a huge anvil heading your way.)

  31. Radiotherapy®

    Relax everybody, when Palin becomes president, even fag-states like California and France will be wiped out.

  32. Lascauxcaveman

    You just brought back to me a whole flood of memories from when I was living in Hawaii.

  33. HistoriCat

    Too much pressure from barbarians before you can build up your forces? Using cheat codes doesn't count people.

  34. proudgrampa

    We got Fundamentalist Muslims.
    We got Fundamentalist Jews.
    We got Fundamentalist Christians,
    They'll blow the whole thing up for you!

    – Tom Russell

    1. Limeylizzie

      OT for everyone else, but so T for you, baby. I am reading a book about Americans in London in WW2-of course I am- and there is an amazing description of the Negro soldiers and how they were treated by us Brit women, who found them to be " polite, soft-spoken and self-effacing, that is , much like the British themselves" There is a quote from a wonderful Englishman, working-class-natch- ' I don't mind the Yanks, but i don't care much for the White fellows they've brought with them".

      1. Chet Kincaid

        My Dad was one of those Negro Yanks, an Artillery Sergeant in an (of course) all-black unit. He fought in the Battle Of The Bulge, and I think family legend has it that he was kissed by de Gaulle during some kind of victory review. He wrote my mother some very lovely, formal, rhyming poems while he was over there; I found them in his office when I was a teenager. I wish I still had them, but they're buried in a box somewhere in some siblings' basement now, both parents having passed away.

        1. Limeylizzie

          My Dad fought at Al-Alamein having joined up in 1939 when war was declared, he was 19, fought throughout Europe, had many, many sexytime encounters and met my Mother when he was nearly 40 and she was about 22.

        2. samsuncle

          Chet, I had an uncle that was a tank driver in the Battle of The Bulge. I remember him talking about it and crying one Christmas Day. Turned out it was to be his last Christmas.

  35. Thurman Munster IV

    "In history there’s never been a civilization ever in history that has embraced homosexuality and turned away from traditional fidelity, traditional marriage, traditional child-rearing, and has survived. "

    So, that's what happened to the Third Reich.

  36. SheriffRoscoe

    If I recall from the story of Sodom, Lot should have marched his daughters out to be gang-banged by the crowd of homos so as to appease merciful almighty penis-obsessed God. That's so common sense to an evangelical like Brother Pat.

  37. Weenus299

    Mr. Magoo will not bring me down today. Athens and Europe and China and Michele Bachmann, maybe, but not Pat.

  38. mumbly_joe

    You seem to have forgotten the equally Biblical traditions of women being forced to marry their rapists, guys marrying their brothers' widows, people getting their best friends killed in order to make it with their wives, and also too men offering their daughters to be gang-raped in the streets, and then later impregnating both of said daughters.

    Traditional family values!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Hey, that sounds a bit like that shariah law that I keep hearing so much about!

      (Actually, shariah law, as horrific as I find it, does not instruct women to marry their rapists. So, there's that.)

  39. Lascauxcaveman

    The Soviets spent too much on their military and not enough on infrastructure and their oligarchs got rich while everyone else suffered.


  40. smitallica

    There is not one single civilization in the history of the world that has ever embraced reality television or texting or driving cars and survived, either.

    Fuck off and die, you old hateful piece of shit.

    Oh, and here's a news flash: Angels aren't real, Pat. And the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is a myth.

  41. mumbly_joe

    I may be a straight guy, but I have to admit, I would totally go gay for Pat Robertson.

    And by "for", I mean, "in order to spite".

  42. axmxz

    There is no one out there more homophobic than old gay men. Hey Pat, deathbed called – said you've got something to confess?

  43. ArmoredBore

    Yup, the Romans went down because of hot, sweaty buttsex. It had nothing whatsoever to do with an endless tide of Visigoth invasion.

  44. Beowoof

    I am sure Pat will have an unpleasant meeting with the almighty upon his arrival. In the alternative his new lord will welcome him to the underworld with a red hot dildo butt secksing

    1. tessiee

      "will welcome him to the underworld with a red hot dildo butt secksing"

      Administered by a demon Jerry Falwell in garter belt, pasties, spike heels, and fishnets.

  45. real_dc_native

    There isn’t one single civilization that has survived that openly embraced homosexuality obscene income disparity.

    There isn’t one single civilization that has survived that openly embraced homosexuality endless wars.


  46. spinozasgod

    why is it taking god so damb long to destroy america? hasn't pat been saying this stuff for years and years and we are still here…geeze it's like watching grass grow…..DESTROY US ALREADY!

  47. real_dc_native

    As George Carlin commented: "When I was young, I used to read about the decline of Western Civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to contribute to."

    Turns out all you have to do is accept gay people. Who knew?

  48. thefrontpage

    Is it true that Pat Robertson, Larry Craig, Mark Foley and James McGroovy all get together for "poker parties" three times a week at that "special house" on C Street in D.C.?!! Apparently, Weiner, Spitzer, Schwarzenegger and Lee attended a couple of times, but, well, they just weren't into it.

  49. HolyCow!!

    Dear Pat,

    Your god is fake and operation a scam. You should have been imprisoned decades ago for fraud.


    1. GOPCrusher

      Used to be that people that claimed to hear voices would be put in "special" hospitals where they couldn't hurt themselves or others.

  50. Andrew Drinker

    I'm surprised he's commenting on something that isn't directly or indirectly affecting his side business smuggling blood diamonds.

  51. whiterabid

    I don't care about homosexuality. I want to hear more about angel raping. Is that from an Arlo Guthrie song?

    1. zhubajie

      I don't what he says about the French, but a few years ago he accused the Scots of being 100% gay, because of kilts (and because a scam involving a Scottish bank didn't work out). Most Scots had not heard of him before that.

  52. PubOption

    So, according to Pat, things will turn out well for Saudi Arabia and Iran. Is that the message right wingers want to hear?

  53. thefrontpage

    7. The ancient civiliazation of StreiMinGaLiberTaylor ruled over vast swaths of PopCultureLand for decades, and that hasn't died out yet!

    1. GOPCrusher

      8. Aztec culture survived homosexuality until Spanish Conquistadors came in and had buttsechs with Aztecs while laying under smallpox diseased blankets.

  54. trondant

    No, don't worry. We understand. You're not gay. It's very common for people conservatives to claim that on the internet. Happens all the time.

  55. proudgrampa

    Civilization has survived and will continue to survive. What will not survive is Empire.

    British Empire.
    Roman Empire.
    Babylonian Empire.
    Japanese Empire
    Great Moravian Empire.

    Most empires end badly. Are you listening, America?

  56. Pithaughn

    Herder and flock, they love that analogy. The sheep don't know where the good pasture and clear water is, so they love the shepherd who leads them. I guess they just gloss over the part where the shepherd fires up the Weber to grill some lamb chops that have been marinating in garlic, rosemary, lemon juice and olive oil, every other day.

  57. ArmoredBore

    God doesn't play dice with the universe. It's apparently more like Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

  58. GOPCrusher

    I had thought America gave up caring what him and Ayatollah Falwell had to say when they blamed the 9/11 attacks on the gays and lesbians.

  59. tessiee

    Jeez, why are you even here?
    I mean, besides the fact that the question is a slightly encoded form of "Go away, already!",
    Just out of my own curiosity, what is it that you want?
    What benefit can you possibly attain by trolling here?
    Are you really that tone-deaf that you don't realize that everybody here considers you a complete jackass, and not even a particularly entertaining one?
    Or are you so pitifully desperate for attention that you really don't care?

  60. zhubajie

    "Ill fares the land, to hastening ills a prey,
    Where wealth accumulates and men decay."

  61. zhubajie

    Speaking seriously for a moment, I am an ancient historian and archaeologist. I can assure everyone that civilizations are very, very, sturdy. Like Sequoias and bristle-cone pines, they out last the millennia. Moreover, all the familiar virtues and vices always flourish. This is what the theologians call "total depravity": morals never get worse, never get better. There are only variations on the theme over time.

  62. zhubajie

    The oldest surviving written documents, on clay, 5, 000 years old, include professional moralists whining about how morals have declined, that things were better in the 'good old days,' etc.

  63. zhubajie

    Professional moralists like Pat Robertson (and a mosquito cloud of others) need to keep their donors in a frenzy at all times, so that they keep donating without thinking. But if Pat, et al., condemn popular sins, like gluttony or avarice, they'll lose them. So they concentrate on "sins" that don't actually tempt many people — like gay sex.

  64. Negropolis

    There isn’t one single civilization that has survived that openly embraced homosexuality.

    What about the ones that behind-closed-doors embraced it?

    Honestly, what kind of filth is this? Do they honestly belive that if you don't acknowledge the existence of the ghey that it someone innoculates you against God's ever-present wrath? Do they honestly believe that Christian God's ever-present, x-ray vision can't see into closets?

    Pat's so far in the closet, that bastard's finding decades old Christmas presents.

  65. Neoyorquino

    Sodom disappeared from the face of the earth, too. Ezekial 16:14 "Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy." (Just sayin' . . . )

  66. Doktor Zoom

    Just goes to show how far America has fallen–in some places, they let people marry ants.

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