LEFT TILT  2:15 am June 28, 2011

Chris Christie Makes Fox News Tilt Left

by Wonkette Jr.

We're gonna need a bigger couch.Icon of personal responsibility Chris Christie paid a visit to the fiends at Fox News yesterday, and as this screenshot shows, he nearly caused the entire right-wing cable news channel to tilt left and vanish into the ether. But, sources say, the other side of the couch was secured with special ropes made from the tears of scared old white people.

Chris Christie is a darling of the far right because he likes to pretend he’s in the Mafia, and he has taxpayers send him new helicopters so he can go to his kids’ sports events at school. Also, he is enormous. [Thanks to Wonkette operative "Bill D." for the screenshot]

 
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{ 155 comments }

DrunkIrishman June 28, 2011 at 2:19 am

Chris Christie's so fat, when he was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave him ten years to live.

memzilla June 28, 2011 at 2:50 am

You can actually see the light bend around him from his gravitational distortion. Ow, my eyes.

flamingpdog June 28, 2011 at 2:56 am

"Gravitational" is probably the only attraction women would ever feel from him.

poncho_pilot June 28, 2011 at 3:00 am

i see what you mean. i thought they had just turned the Reality Distortion Field to a higher setting.

DerrickWildcat June 28, 2011 at 2:57 am

The back of his neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

flamingpdog June 28, 2011 at 3:10 am

Well, it sure didn't take long to bring Anthony Weiner back into the spotlight.

Negropolis June 28, 2011 at 11:14 pm

One of his greatest dsappointments is that he's unable to reach his nape, 'cause it'd be in trouble if he could.

bumfug June 28, 2011 at 3:11 am

He sweats gravy.

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:20 am

His bloodtype is Ragu.

BarryOPotter June 28, 2011 at 8:19 am

Thank GOD I didn't take a sip of the coffee I was holding when I read that!!!!!

DashboardBuddha June 28, 2011 at 9:29 am

Chris is so fat all the other fat governors orbit around him.

LetUsBray June 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

For the Harry Potter nerds: Christie's so fat, his patronus is a cake.

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Chris Christie's so fat, when he went to the Jersey Shore the Situation tried to hit on him.

MiniMencken June 28, 2011 at 2:37 am

Christie's so fat, when he backpedles on policy, he goes "beep, beep, beep."

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:19 am

He hates wasteful spending AND wasting food.

evan7257 June 28, 2011 at 2:37 am

I hope he eats one of them.

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:20 am

I think most of us here would eat the blonde.

NO, NOT DOOCEY.

poncho_pilot June 28, 2011 at 4:28 am

this is bad news for Gretchen.
http://images.tvrage.com/people_galleries/52/1536

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 5:16 am

Yeah…who is that in the middle?…Too purty to be Gretchen, even at that resolution.

poncho_pilot June 28, 2011 at 5:36 am

maybe he got hungry in the green room?

natoslug June 28, 2011 at 11:34 am

Gah! I hate Sad Clown paintings.

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 8:40 am

Just the one?

Left_Leftie June 28, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Kilmeeade first! His brains are all fatty tissue anyway.

Negropolis June 28, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Everyone knows that Gretchen is mostly hair, teeth, skin and bones.

MiniMencken June 28, 2011 at 2:43 am

I also like to calculate how much energy would be released if we harpooned Chris Christie, Rush Limbaugh, Roger Ailes, Newt Gingrich and Haley Barbour and rendered them in the old cast iron trypots of my Nantucket ancestors and then made candles or lamp oil. It would light up the entire New England coast, I surmise.

flamingpdog June 28, 2011 at 2:51 am

BLUBBER LIBEL!

Doktor Zoom June 28, 2011 at 4:09 am

I could get behind such a "Nantucket Slay Ride."

MiniMencken June 28, 2011 at 5:40 am

Then, if I may be permitted to take up the quill in the manner of my ancestors, who oft preferred, when confronted with the possibility of a public action, to demur as regards physical action, in favor of a purely mental action, may I, with my Wonkette brethren, encourage us all to vividly contemplate (to employ a Romish usage) these sinners in the hands of an angry God? Or, since I am so very fond of dogs, in the paws of an angry Dog?

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 10:38 pm

SInce you're apparently posting from Nantucket, how about sinners in the mouth of an angry whale, a la Jonah and Pinocchio?

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 8:42 am

If Oxycontin is taken up extensively into fat tissue, there would be no pain felt around Point Rush Limbaugh.

Chet Kincaid June 28, 2011 at 9:35 am

They catch fat wingnuts in Nantucket
and render their lard in a bucket.
Conservatives fallow
make excellent tallow;
mad-cow in their brains, though, so fuck it.

user-of-owls June 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

c.c. kincaid

hagajim June 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

Can't do it…the release of all the hot gas would melt the icecaps for certain.

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Huckabee's gonna be pissed you left his fat asss out of it. And then there'll be no Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey left within 50 miles of wherever his show tapes.

memzilla June 28, 2011 at 2:46 am

It's Jabba the Guv!

flamingpdog June 28, 2011 at 2:49 am

Jeeze, Junior, do you ever go to bed??? I'm two hours behind you, and beer is the only thing keeping me awake.

poncho_pilot June 28, 2011 at 2:50 am

i'm not exactly thin, but if i fell over at a gay pride parade i wouldn't make Skittles.

poncho_pilot June 28, 2011 at 2:51 am

speaking of parades, since when do they interview the floats?

imissopus June 28, 2011 at 2:51 am

Throw some water on his hide and drag him back into the ocean!

bflrtsplk June 28, 2011 at 2:52 am

He's as big as those three "newspersons" put together, with room left over for a little Rush.

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:21 am

Only if its the kind that plays "Tom Sawyer."

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 9:15 am

What about the esteem for Robert E. Lee?
How did it get so high?
I wonder if he commits treason
Like an ordinary guy

DashboardBuddha June 28, 2011 at 9:20 am

"a little Rush. "

It's too early to be talking about Limbaugh's dick.

flamingpdog June 28, 2011 at 2:53 am

He's the only Republican governor that Greenpeace would actually try to rescue.

poncho_pilot June 28, 2011 at 2:54 am

goodnight, Chris Christie. http://goodnightdune.com/p13-14.html

Doktor Zoom June 28, 2011 at 4:13 am

Hilarious–I laughed so hard I gave water for the dead!

DerrickWildcat June 28, 2011 at 2:55 am

Brian Kilmeade is the smart one.

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:17 am

A little like being the tallest midget or the most educated Palin.

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 3:16 am

THERE'S my beloved Fox News headline question-mark.

Lucky its on the other side of the couch, a safe distance from Gov. Dumptruck.

FlipOffResearch June 28, 2011 at 3:32 am

In all fairness, he was stress testing that copter for the state police. You never know when the state police heli might be needed to save a whale or a herd of elephants, or a bunch of Sams Club shoppers. Maybe a half a dozen Golden Coral patrons will need to be rescued from a tragic turnstile jamming.

Classic question for Christie: who's on Frist?

flamingpdog June 28, 2011 at 3:39 am

I, Dumbo's on third.

poncho_pilot June 28, 2011 at 4:31 am

fourth meal!

BarackMyWorld June 28, 2011 at 5:18 am

4th, 5th, 9th, whatever…

FlipOffResearch June 28, 2011 at 3:41 am

The alt text say we're gonna need a bigger couch. Correction: they're gonna need a new couch. Lardos like that absolutely destroy furniture. The next person that sits on that couch is going to feel the frame.

DashboardBuddha June 28, 2011 at 9:28 am

Now now…I'm almost as big as he and my sofa is still in good shape. (Although, I do steer clear of dainty chairs)

gullywompr June 28, 2011 at 3:46 am

He may be 400 lbs. of bullshit stuffed into a single suit, but Ann Coulter would still do him.

Kidneys4Sale June 28, 2011 at 4:33 am

Ann Coulter is gay?

Rarian Rakista June 28, 2011 at 5:04 am

I always imagined her nether regions to be a swarming mass of flesh with faces and teeth like when The Ghost of Christmas Present opens his robe.

Madfall June 28, 2011 at 6:52 am

A deeply unpleasant, but arresting image.

hagajim June 28, 2011 at 11:01 am

Now that would be worth paying for. I just hope Coulter was on top, otherwise she is a shitstain on the bed.

Negropolis June 28, 2011 at 4:41 am

I love how he told that constiuent that asked about his children's private schooling and how it should relate to his cuts to public schools to basically mind her own damned business. Stay klassy, Jabba the Gut.

Dems hold in high regard the little person speaking truth to power. Republicans practically get off on power screwing over the little person who so as much questions the unfairness of his or her station in life or even just how they are being treated. It's why I can't imagine a single scenario in which I could ever go over to become one of them.

Fuck Chris Christie, and the cattle car he rode in on.

mumbly_joe June 28, 2011 at 8:28 am

Damn, and I thought they were all supposed to be jolly.

Negropolis June 28, 2011 at 4:53 am

Look at fearless Governor Christie giving that socialist couch the what-for. For a $10 contribution, you can help the brave governor continue his worthy battle against Big Couch and its thug union.

bagofmice June 28, 2011 at 6:30 am

That needs to go up on BigGovernment.com, stat!

Sparky_McGruff June 28, 2011 at 7:16 am

That would be MorbidlyObeseGovernment.com, I believe.

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 9:18 am

RecallScottWalker.org LapbandChrisChristie.org

Negropolis June 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm

The internal one, or the one in your car?

James Michael Curley June 28, 2011 at 5:48 am

Since Lady Curley and I watch so much news, especially the now deceased New Jersey News netwrk, this Governor has cost us more than any of his alleged 'tax savings'. We had to buy a 55 inch wide screen TV to see him on one TV at a time.

Goonemeritus June 28, 2011 at 6:06 am

Michelle Obama is going to pass a law that naked pictures of Chris Christie need to be on all fast food packaging

Big_Lebowski June 28, 2011 at 6:06 am

I saw him on the Today Show and thought he looked exactly like Bobby Bacala. Anyone know if he has a train set?

SpurningBeer June 28, 2011 at 7:04 am

He lost interest in that. He's with Vito Spatafore down at some club in the Village celebrating gay marriage.

SpurningBeer June 28, 2011 at 7:02 am

Chris Christie is the only current Republican governor whose personal assistant is a mahout.

LowProfileinGA June 28, 2011 at 9:49 am

So literate it's almost unWonkette.

SpurningBeer June 28, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Apologies. Allow me to revise:

Chris Christie is the only current Republicunt governor whose personal assistant is a fucking mahout.

GeneralLerong June 28, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Located as I am at the edge of the Pacific, I didn't get to this one until late…but it made me spew enough oatmeal all over my laptop to save for a mid-morning snack.

Naked_Bunny June 28, 2011 at 7:43 am

Just because Chris Christie is a terrible (and very fat) man does not mean we should be making fun of the pile of blubbery flesh that is his disgustingly lardy body. At least, not without also wondering if his penis is as small as the rest of him is enormous.

ttommyunger June 28, 2011 at 9:49 am

I rarely say this, but Ewwwww!

prommie June 28, 2011 at 9:54 am

I can't see how he can possibly even reach it. He must have to sit down to pee. I imagine it spends its time hidden in the darkness between folds of flesh, like a little man-clit to go with his man-boobs.

SheriffRoscoe June 28, 2011 at 12:53 pm

You never fail to amuse me.

freakishlywrong June 28, 2011 at 7:54 am

Mornin' Blow practically jizzed through my teevee when they were talking about how fat Jesus fucked over the public workers by making them pay more into pensions/healthcare, etc. When is it going to occur to these millionaire assholes that the more these wingnuts keep scraping off the middle class, the less they'll be able to buy the books and shit that they shill. Know your Worth Mika?

C_R_Eature June 28, 2011 at 9:06 am

"Mornin' Blow practically jizzed through my teevee"
I hate when that happens. Or maybe not: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChGxwRq3YcI&fe

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 9:20 am

Nobody buys their books, anyway. Other rich people, e.g. the Heritage Foundation, do bulk orders, then give away the copies for free. The left hand (so to speak) is paying the right hand.

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 10:46 pm

So, the free market is for the little people?

Chet Kincaid June 28, 2011 at 10:00 am

How can you watch that shit? Scarborough's smug George-Allen-doppelganger face fills me with revulsion in the morning on the way over to CNN. I will watch that show again when Mika starts horsewhipping him while wearing a slinky cocktail dress and Noonington-approved fuck-me pumps.

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 10:12 am

Yeah, but if she does that, she'll end up dead soon enough (after Joe Scar's gotten tired of the latest thing).

Negropolis June 28, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Mika thinks whatever Joe tells her to think. The irony of her writing that book can't be lost on her.

Texan_Bulldog June 28, 2011 at 7:57 am

That picture reminds me of my playground teeter totter days–3 little people on 1 end and the fat chick on the other end.

xsluggo June 28, 2011 at 8:12 am

Christie is the only governor with his own event horizon.

BaldarTFlagass June 28, 2011 at 8:16 am

KILMEADE: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

MR. CHRISTIE: Nah.

KILMEADE: Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little, thin one.

MR. CHRISTIE: No. Fuck off. I'm full.

You know where it goes from there….

Ohforcripessake June 28, 2011 at 8:39 am

I wish..

trondant June 28, 2011 at 8:11 pm

He fixes eats the cable?

C_R_Eature June 28, 2011 at 8:19 am

All Chris Christie needs is a "Whaffer-Thin" Mint.

Oh wait…here's one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2Bs1ZZ-7b8

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Upfisted just for the phonetic spelling of "whaffer-thin".

C_R_Eature June 29, 2011 at 6:43 am

Thanks! Seemed appropriate, given the context.

arihaya June 28, 2011 at 8:22 am

what can we learn from New Jersey?

never vote a GOP leader , especially the one that make Rush Limbaugh look slim

MARCdMan June 28, 2011 at 8:25 am

Christ, looks like they are doing everything they can to resist his gravitational pull.

mumbly_joe June 28, 2011 at 8:26 am

So, here's the thing. I'm a bit of a chunky kid. I weigh a lot more than I look like I should, and have even when I've been extremely athletically active. I take care of myself, and eat healthy, for the most part, but I'm just built to be heavy. And, I work in a health care setting, so I do understand that when obesity is a problem, it can be a very serious medical problem. Obesity is no laughing matter, and I applaud our sexy First Lady for her efforts combatting obesity amongst our nation's youths.

But then, there's Chris Christie. I'm sorry, but it's one thing to be chubby, and it's another thing to be fat and to act and have political policies that are literally every caricature of fat people that exist, anywhere. Getting choppered to your kid's game? Having a personal driver take you the remaining hundred yards to the bleachers? Literally taking food out of the mouths of the poor to give money to the wealthy? Yeah, no. If ever fat jokes were warranted, this is the guy.

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 9:22 am

Well, if Mitch Daniels, Our Little Friend, is not going to run, at the very least, we can get another movie character in the GOP Prexy field: Chris Christie, Fat Bastard ("Get in my belly!").

ttommyunger June 28, 2011 at 9:51 am

Not to mention the poor State Trooper assigned to wipe his ass…..Well, you KNOW he can't reach it himself.

AJWjr. June 28, 2011 at 10:22 am

He reminds me of the South Park episode on Weight Gain 4000
This
or this.

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 10:49 pm

BEEFCAKE!!!

James Michael Curley June 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

A type A personality with type 2 Diabetes.

jodyleek June 28, 2011 at 8:30 am

"Git in mah belly!"

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

Great minds.

Plus-one-7000-calories-a-day-diet.

Ohforcripessake June 28, 2011 at 8:38 am

Well at least now I understand why he killed the New Jersey to New York train tunnel project. It was either that or his per diem. Or possibly the fact that by the time it was built, he wouldn't fit in it.

imissopus June 28, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Or threaten his post-gubernatorial gig as a ferry.

Steverino247 June 28, 2011 at 8:38 am

He doesn't have the right wingers hovering on his every word. They're orbiting him.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 28, 2011 at 8:41 am

I normally don't rag on people because they're fat but for this piece of crap I'll make an exception. Christie probably got this way cause he’s lazy and a glutton with no self control. With his money he could eat high quality food, have a private coach and afford the time to work out. This is not the kind of person who should be in charge of anything more important than his own asshole much less a state.

Steverino247 June 28, 2011 at 9:39 am

He can't reach his asshole, which is why he's wiping on the state.

SheriffRoscoe June 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Yeah but he still has his old nemesis 'Gravity.' And Gravity is a mean fuckin' bitch.

PsycWench June 28, 2011 at 8:47 am

There's a man who isn't invited along on a lot of boat rides.

Rosie_Scenario June 28, 2011 at 9:43 am

Except, perhaps, as a flotation device.

C_R_Eature June 28, 2011 at 10:05 am

Except, perhaps, on one of these: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavy_lift_ship
Pretty expensive for a day trip but, hey, the taxpayers are pickin' up the tab & he's Chris Christie, Rove's Favorite Son.

Dudleydidwrong June 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

There's a story told about another heavyweight, Henry Knox, a general in Washington's army and Washington's first secretary of war. Knox was in charge of getting Washington's army across the Delaware river to surprise those famed Hessians. Knox was in Washington's boat and when he got in, the boat rocked heavily and went down to near the gunwales. Washington is alleged to have said to Knox, "Henry, sit your fat ass in this boat or you will surely sink us all." Knox served his country well (although he went to hell in his later years.)

Christie would make a great buoy or anchor, depending upon whether he stayed up or went down when his boat/yacht/raft sank. Picture him in a canoe…

LiveToServeYa June 28, 2011 at 8:52 am

He'd make a fine president. Actually, he'd make some three or four fine presidents. Small dogs must tremble when they fall in the shadow of his girth.

GunToting[Redacted] June 28, 2011 at 9:37 am

Christie/Taft `12!

baconzgood June 28, 2011 at 8:54 am

Did he talk in English or Jabba?

trampndirtdown June 28, 2011 at 9:05 am

Hurka durka hakka jelly doughnut.

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 9:24 am

As good an excuse as any to post this:

Jimi Hendrix had debts with Jabba the Hutt.

Plowmon June 28, 2011 at 8:57 am

Rendered and then made into biodiesel he might drive down the price of crude a few cents…

weejee June 28, 2011 at 9:14 am

Is is safe to say that Christie doesn't canoe like the Wisconsin hippies? I'm thinkin' he'd swamp a Makah whaling canoe.

horsedreamer_1 June 28, 2011 at 9:25 am

When the Good Lord took the "Big Man" from New Jersey, why did it have to be Clemons?

donner_froh June 28, 2011 at 9:27 am

He would make a fine successor to William Howard Taft

philpjfry June 28, 2011 at 9:28 am

As a New Jersey resident I can say this arrogant fuck has not done anything constructive for the people in our state. I suppose he has helped defeat global warming by providing shade for a few small cities.

bigdupa June 28, 2011 at 9:31 am

What's the over/under on the number of Febreeze bottles they used afterwards? I say 3.

Steverino247 June 28, 2011 at 9:42 am

His ass has got to smell. That or he has handlers that wipe it for him.

donner_froh June 28, 2011 at 9:43 am

Chris Christie went to a restaurant and ordered everything on the menu including "Thank You, Please Come Again."

Steverino247 June 28, 2011 at 9:46 am

Here's the Governor's morning routine… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDtmwuvxGac&fe

Note that it's no coincidence that the wheelbarrow is red.

mannacler June 28, 2011 at 4:33 pm

"What? And leave show business."

Chet Kincaid June 28, 2011 at 9:51 am

"Get the jaws of life and pull that motorcycle out of the Governor's ass!!"

ttommyunger June 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

I blame the people of New Jersey, period.

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm

As far as I can tell, everybody in NJ hates him too.

Negropolis June 28, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Obviously not enough to prevent him from being elected.

Anyway, I blame Canada. That's what patriotic Real Americans are supposed to do, right?

ttommyunger June 28, 2011 at 11:54 pm

All I know is the cocksucker wasn't appointed Gubner.

flamingpdog June 29, 2011 at 2:03 am

Maybe in Jersey it's "one pound-one vote".

ttommyunger June 29, 2011 at 9:15 am

A fucking landslide victory, then!

Beowoof June 28, 2011 at 9:59 am

Does he have a bypass scheduled soon? If not he should be making the appointment.

Cornary or gut bypass either applies.

widestanceroman June 28, 2011 at 10:14 am

Oh, how I would love to see Little Britain's Marjorie Dawes go OFF on this mountain of a man.

flamingpdog June 29, 2011 at 2:06 am

She could probably ski off this mountain of a man.

El Pinche June 28, 2011 at 10:30 am

You go home now. You been here four hour!

proudgrampa June 28, 2011 at 10:36 am

"Bring me a bucket!"

DaRooster June 28, 2011 at 10:51 am

Christie is so fat you have to take a helicopter to get to his "good side".

DaRooster June 28, 2011 at 10:53 am

Christie isn't fat… he's 4 feet too short.

flamingpdog June 29, 2011 at 2:07 am

Christie's not fat, he just big-boned.

Not that kind of "bone", either.

Redhead June 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

He looks like he ate Huckabee. Christie/Huckabee and 2 of Bachmann's personalities for pres in 2012!

flamingpdog June 29, 2011 at 2:09 am

Christie/Christie/2012.
No, wait, three's a crowd.

hagajim June 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

The fact that this fat douche is even in office is a prime indicator on where this nation is headed….down Christie's shitter.

NorthStarSpanx June 28, 2011 at 11:35 am

I'm glad to see Christie's inaugural pledge to lose weight is taking form. Via the RENTONIAN.
http://trentonian.com/articles/2011/02/19/news/do

mavenmaven June 28, 2011 at 11:52 am

Talk about fat and nasty on that program. I dare anyone to get past the first minute of this: http://video.foxnews.com/v/1027924350001/bristol-

flamingpdog June 29, 2011 at 2:13 am

Does watching the 17-second commercial count?

axmxz June 28, 2011 at 3:47 pm

My brain keeps photoshopping a gold bikini on the blonde.

trondant June 28, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Doocey? Me too.

flamingpdog June 29, 2011 at 2:05 am

He's gonna have to lose a couple hundred pounds before anyone with a foot smaller than Delaware can kick him around.

zhubajie June 29, 2011 at 3:50 am

If he were elected, would he be the fattest president ever? Beyond Taft or Arthur?

Walkinwiddaking July 2, 2011 at 3:55 pm

That helicopter? It better be a Chinook.

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