We're gonna need a bigger couch.Icon of personal responsibility Chris Christie paid a visit to the fiends at Fox News yesterday, and as this screenshot shows, he nearly caused the entire right-wing cable news channel to tilt left and vanish into the ether. But, sources say, the other side of the couch was secured with special ropes made from the tears of scared old white people.

Chris Christie is a darling of the far right because he likes to pretend he’s in the Mafia, and he has taxpayers send him new helicopters so he can go to his kids’ sports events at school. Also, he is enormous. [Thanks to Wonkette operative “Bill D.” for the screenshot]

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  • DrunkIrishman

    Chris Christie's so fat, when he was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave him ten years to live.

  • MiniMencken

    Christie's so fat, when he backpedles on policy, he goes "beep, beep, beep."

    • BarackMyWorld

      He hates wasteful spending AND wasting food.

  • I hope he eats one of them.

    • BarackMyWorld

      I think most of us here would eat the blonde.


      • poncho_pilot

        this is bad news for Gretchen.

        • BarackMyWorld

          Yeah…who is that in the middle?…Too purty to be Gretchen, even at that resolution.

          • poncho_pilot

            maybe he got hungry in the green room?

        • Gah! I hate Sad Clown paintings.

    • PsycWench

      Just the one?

    • Left_Leftie

      Kilmeeade first! His brains are all fatty tissue anyway.

    • Negropolis

      Everyone knows that Gretchen is mostly hair, teeth, skin and bones.

  • MiniMencken

    I also like to calculate how much energy would be released if we harpooned Chris Christie, Rush Limbaugh, Roger Ailes, Newt Gingrich and Haley Barbour and rendered them in the old cast iron trypots of my Nantucket ancestors and then made candles or lamp oil. It would light up the entire New England coast, I surmise.

    • flamingpdog


    • Doktor Zoom

      I could get behind such a "Nantucket Slay Ride."

      • MiniMencken

        Then, if I may be permitted to take up the quill in the manner of my ancestors, who oft preferred, when confronted with the possibility of a public action, to demur as regards physical action, in favor of a purely mental action, may I, with my Wonkette brethren, encourage us all to vividly contemplate (to employ a Romish usage) these sinners in the hands of an angry God? Or, since I am so very fond of dogs, in the paws of an angry Dog?

        • tessiee

          SInce you're apparently posting from Nantucket, how about sinners in the mouth of an angry whale, a la Jonah and Pinocchio?

    • PsycWench

      If Oxycontin is taken up extensively into fat tissue, there would be no pain felt around Point Rush Limbaugh.

    • They catch fat wingnuts in Nantucket
      and render their lard in a bucket.
      Conservatives fallow
      make excellent tallow;
      mad-cow in their brains, though, so fuck it.

      • user-of-owls

        c.c. kincaid

    • hagajim

      Can't do it…the release of all the hot gas would melt the icecaps for certain.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Huckabee's gonna be pissed you left his fat asss out of it. And then there'll be no Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey left within 50 miles of wherever his show tapes.

  • memzilla

    It's Jabba the Guv!

  • flamingpdog

    Jeeze, Junior, do you ever go to bed??? I'm two hours behind you, and beer is the only thing keeping me awake.

  • poncho_pilot

    i'm not exactly thin, but if i fell over at a gay pride parade i wouldn't make Skittles.

  • poncho_pilot

    speaking of parades, since when do they interview the floats?

  • Throw some water on his hide and drag him back into the ocean!

  • bflrtsplk

    He's as big as those three "newspersons" put together, with room left over for a little Rush.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Only if its the kind that plays "Tom Sawyer."

      • horsedreamer_1

        What about the esteem for Robert E. Lee?
        How did it get so high?
        I wonder if he commits treason
        Like an ordinary guy

    • DashboardBuddha

      "a little Rush. "

      It's too early to be talking about Limbaugh's dick.

  • flamingpdog

    He's the only Republican governor that Greenpeace would actually try to rescue.

  • poncho_pilot

    goodnight, Chris Christie.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Hilarious–I laughed so hard I gave water for the dead!

  • Brian Kilmeade is the smart one.

    • BarackMyWorld

      A little like being the tallest midget or the most educated Palin.

  • BarackMyWorld

    THERE'S my beloved Fox News headline question-mark.

    Lucky its on the other side of the couch, a safe distance from Gov. Dumptruck.

  • In all fairness, he was stress testing that copter for the state police. You never know when the state police heli might be needed to save a whale or a herd of elephants, or a bunch of Sams Club shoppers. Maybe a half a dozen Golden Coral patrons will need to be rescued from a tragic turnstile jamming.

    Classic question for Christie: who's on Frist?

    • flamingpdog

      I, Dumbo's on third.

    • poncho_pilot

      fourth meal!

      • BarackMyWorld

        4th, 5th, 9th, whatever…

  • The alt text say we're gonna need a bigger couch. Correction: they're gonna need a new couch. Lardos like that absolutely destroy furniture. The next person that sits on that couch is going to feel the frame.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Now now…I'm almost as big as he and my sofa is still in good shape. (Although, I do steer clear of dainty chairs)

  • gullywompr

    He may be 400 lbs. of bullshit stuffed into a single suit, but Ann Coulter would still do him.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Ann Coulter is gay?

    • I always imagined her nether regions to be a swarming mass of flesh with faces and teeth like when The Ghost of Christmas Present opens his robe.

      • A deeply unpleasant, but arresting image.

    • hagajim

      Now that would be worth paying for. I just hope Coulter was on top, otherwise she is a shitstain on the bed.

  • Negropolis

    I love how he told that constiuent that asked about his children's private schooling and how it should relate to his cuts to public schools to basically mind her own damned business. Stay klassy, Jabba the Gut.

    Dems hold in high regard the little person speaking truth to power. Republicans practically get off on power screwing over the little person who so as much questions the unfairness of his or her station in life or even just how they are being treated. It's why I can't imagine a single scenario in which I could ever go over to become one of them.

    Fuck Chris Christie, and the cattle car he rode in on.

    • mumbly_joe

      Damn, and I thought they were all supposed to be jolly.

  • Negropolis

    Look at fearless Governor Christie giving that socialist couch the what-for. For a $10 contribution, you can help the brave governor continue his worthy battle against Big Couch and its thug union.

    • bagofmice

      That needs to go up on, stat!

      • Sparky_McGruff

        That would be, I believe.

        • horsedreamer_1

          • Negropolis

            The internal one, or the one in your car?

  • James Michael Curley

    Since Lady Curley and I watch so much news, especially the now deceased New Jersey News netwrk, this Governor has cost us more than any of his alleged 'tax savings'. We had to buy a 55 inch wide screen TV to see him on one TV at a time.

  • Goonemeritus

    Michelle Obama is going to pass a law that naked pictures of Chris Christie need to be on all fast food packaging

  • Big_Lebowski

    I saw him on the Today Show and thought he looked exactly like Bobby Bacala. Anyone know if he has a train set?

    • He lost interest in that. He's with Vito Spatafore down at some club in the Village celebrating gay marriage.

  • Chris Christie is the only current Republican governor whose personal assistant is a mahout.

    • LowProfileinGA

      So literate it's almost unWonkette.

      • Apologies. Allow me to revise:

        Chris Christie is the only current Republicunt governor whose personal assistant is a fucking mahout.

    • GeneralLerong

      Located as I am at the edge of the Pacific, I didn't get to this one until late…but it made me spew enough oatmeal all over my laptop to save for a mid-morning snack.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Just because Chris Christie is a terrible (and very fat) man does not mean we should be making fun of the pile of blubbery flesh that is his disgustingly lardy body. At least, not without also wondering if his penis is as small as the rest of him is enormous.

    • ttommyunger

      I rarely say this, but Ewwwww!

    • prommie

      I can't see how he can possibly even reach it. He must have to sit down to pee. I imagine it spends its time hidden in the darkness between folds of flesh, like a little man-clit to go with his man-boobs.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        You never fail to amuse me.

  • freakishlywrong

    Mornin' Blow practically jizzed through my teevee when they were talking about how fat Jesus fucked over the public workers by making them pay more into pensions/healthcare, etc. When is it going to occur to these millionaire assholes that the more these wingnuts keep scraping off the middle class, the less they'll be able to buy the books and shit that they shill. Know your Worth Mika?

    • C_R_Eature

      "Mornin' Blow practically jizzed through my teevee"
      I hate when that happens. Or maybe not:

    • horsedreamer_1

      Nobody buys their books, anyway. Other rich people, e.g. the Heritage Foundation, do bulk orders, then give away the copies for free. The left hand (so to speak) is paying the right hand.

      • tessiee

        So, the free market is for the little people?

    • How can you watch that shit? Scarborough's smug George-Allen-doppelganger face fills me with revulsion in the morning on the way over to CNN. I will watch that show again when Mika starts horsewhipping him while wearing a slinky cocktail dress and Noonington-approved fuck-me pumps.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Yeah, but if she does that, she'll end up dead soon enough (after Joe Scar's gotten tired of the latest thing).

    • Negropolis

      Mika thinks whatever Joe tells her to think. The irony of her writing that book can't be lost on her.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    That picture reminds me of my playground teeter totter days–3 little people on 1 end and the fat chick on the other end.

  • xsluggo

    Christie is the only governor with his own event horizon.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    KILMEADE: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

    MR. CHRISTIE: Nah.

    KILMEADE: Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little, thin one.

    MR. CHRISTIE: No. Fuck off. I'm full.

    You know where it goes from there….

    • Ohforcripessake

      I wish..

    • trondant

      He fixes eats the cable?

  • C_R_Eature

    All Chris Christie needs is a "Whaffer-Thin" Mint.

    Oh wait…here's one:

    • tessiee

      Upfisted just for the phonetic spelling of "whaffer-thin".

      • C_R_Eature

        Thanks! Seemed appropriate, given the context.

  • arihaya

    what can we learn from New Jersey?

    never vote a GOP leader , especially the one that make Rush Limbaugh look slim

  • MARCdMan

    Christ, looks like they are doing everything they can to resist his gravitational pull.

  • mumbly_joe

    So, here's the thing. I'm a bit of a chunky kid. I weigh a lot more than I look like I should, and have even when I've been extremely athletically active. I take care of myself, and eat healthy, for the most part, but I'm just built to be heavy. And, I work in a health care setting, so I do understand that when obesity is a problem, it can be a very serious medical problem. Obesity is no laughing matter, and I applaud our sexy First Lady for her efforts combatting obesity amongst our nation's youths.

    But then, there's Chris Christie. I'm sorry, but it's one thing to be chubby, and it's another thing to be fat and to act and have political policies that are literally every caricature of fat people that exist, anywhere. Getting choppered to your kid's game? Having a personal driver take you the remaining hundred yards to the bleachers? Literally taking food out of the mouths of the poor to give money to the wealthy? Yeah, no. If ever fat jokes were warranted, this is the guy.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Well, if Mitch Daniels, Our Little Friend, is not going to run, at the very least, we can get another movie character in the GOP Prexy field: Chris Christie, Fat Bastard ("Get in my belly!").

    • ttommyunger

      Not to mention the poor State Trooper assigned to wipe his ass…..Well, you KNOW he can't reach it himself.

    • AJWjr.

      He reminds me of the South Park episode on Weight Gain 4000
      or this.

      • tessiee


    • James Michael Curley

      A type A personality with type 2 Diabetes.

  • jodyleek

    "Git in mah belly!"

    • horsedreamer_1

      Great minds.


  • Ohforcripessake

    Well at least now I understand why he killed the New Jersey to New York train tunnel project. It was either that or his per diem. Or possibly the fact that by the time it was built, he wouldn't fit in it.

    • Or threaten his post-gubernatorial gig as a ferry.

  • Steverino247

    He doesn't have the right wingers hovering on his every word. They're orbiting him.

  • I normally don't rag on people because they're fat but for this piece of crap I'll make an exception. Christie probably got this way cause he’s lazy and a glutton with no self control. With his money he could eat high quality food, have a private coach and afford the time to work out. This is not the kind of person who should be in charge of anything more important than his own asshole much less a state.

    • Steverino247

      He can't reach his asshole, which is why he's wiping on the state.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Yeah but he still has his old nemesis 'Gravity.' And Gravity is a mean fuckin' bitch.

  • PsycWench

    There's a man who isn't invited along on a lot of boat rides.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Except, perhaps, as a flotation device.

    • C_R_Eature

      Except, perhaps, on one of these:
      Pretty expensive for a day trip but, hey, the taxpayers are pickin' up the tab & he's Chris Christie, Rove's Favorite Son.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      There's a story told about another heavyweight, Henry Knox, a general in Washington's army and Washington's first secretary of war. Knox was in charge of getting Washington's army across the Delaware river to surprise those famed Hessians. Knox was in Washington's boat and when he got in, the boat rocked heavily and went down to near the gunwales. Washington is alleged to have said to Knox, "Henry, sit your fat ass in this boat or you will surely sink us all." Knox served his country well (although he went to hell in his later years.)

      Christie would make a great buoy or anchor, depending upon whether he stayed up or went down when his boat/yacht/raft sank. Picture him in a canoe…

  • LiveToServeYa

    He'd make a fine president. Actually, he'd make some three or four fine presidents. Small dogs must tremble when they fall in the shadow of his girth.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Christie/Taft `12!

  • baconzgood

    Did he talk in English or Jabba?

  • Plowmon

    Rendered and then made into biodiesel he might drive down the price of crude a few cents…

  • Is is safe to say that Christie doesn't canoe like the Wisconsin hippies? I'm thinkin' he'd swamp a Makah whaling canoe.

  • horsedreamer_1

    When the Good Lord took the "Big Man" from New Jersey, why did it have to be Clemons?

  • He would make a fine successor to William Howard Taft

  • philpjfry

    As a New Jersey resident I can say this arrogant fuck has not done anything constructive for the people in our state. I suppose he has helped defeat global warming by providing shade for a few small cities.

  • bigdupa

    What's the over/under on the number of Febreeze bottles they used afterwards? I say 3.

    • Steverino247

      His ass has got to smell. That or he has handlers that wipe it for him.

  • Chris Christie went to a restaurant and ordered everything on the menu including "Thank You, Please Come Again."

  • Steverino247

    Here's the Governor's morning routine…

    Note that it's no coincidence that the wheelbarrow is red.

    • mannacler

      "What? And leave show business."

  • "Get the jaws of life and pull that motorcycle out of the Governor's ass!!"

  • ttommyunger

    I blame the people of New Jersey, period.

    • tessiee

      As far as I can tell, everybody in NJ hates him too.

      • Negropolis

        Obviously not enough to prevent him from being elected.

        Anyway, I blame Canada. That's what patriotic Real Americans are supposed to do, right?

      • ttommyunger

        All I know is the cocksucker wasn't appointed Gubner.

        • flamingpdog

          Maybe in Jersey it's "one pound-one vote".

          • ttommyunger

            A fucking landslide victory, then!

  • Beowoof

    Does he have a bypass scheduled soon? If not he should be making the appointment.

    Cornary or gut bypass either applies.

  • widestanceroman

    Oh, how I would love to see Little Britain's Marjorie Dawes go OFF on this mountain of a man.

    • flamingpdog

      She could probably ski off this mountain of a man.

  • El Pinche

    You go home now. You been here four hour!

  • proudgrampa

    "Bring me a bucket!"

  • DaRooster

    Christie is so fat you have to take a helicopter to get to his "good side".

  • DaRooster

    Christie isn't fat… he's 4 feet too short.

    • flamingpdog

      Christie's not fat, he just big-boned.

      Not that kind of "bone", either.

  • Redhead

    He looks like he ate Huckabee. Christie/Huckabee and 2 of Bachmann's personalities for pres in 2012!

    • flamingpdog

      No, wait, three's a crowd.

  • hagajim

    The fact that this fat douche is even in office is a prime indicator on where this nation is headed….down Christie's shitter.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I'm glad to see Christie's inaugural pledge to lose weight is taking form. Via the RENTONIAN.

  • mavenmaven

    Talk about fat and nasty on that program. I dare anyone to get past the first minute of this:

    • flamingpdog

      Does watching the 17-second commercial count?

  • axmxz

    My brain keeps photoshopping a gold bikini on the blonde.

    • trondant

      Doocey? Me too.

  • flamingpdog

    He's gonna have to lose a couple hundred pounds before anyone with a foot smaller than Delaware can kick him around.

  • zhubajie

    If he were elected, would he be the fattest president ever? Beyond Taft or Arthur?

  • Walkinwiddaking

    That helicopter? It better be a Chinook.

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