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Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran

Dewey Whips Truman, or whatever.Now in his sixth decade as the world’s preeminent expert on U.S. foreign policy, retired Cuban president Fidel Castro writes in his newspaper column (in Cuba) that the Obama Administration is about to attack … Iran. One more war against one more Muslim country can’t make things worse, right? Right? Oh, Iran maybe has nuclear weapons of some sort? Well, whatever, so does Pakistan, and we don’t have any problem blasting apart suburban houses there, because of terrorism.

Castro, now 84, has been closely watching American policy abroad since 1959, when he became the leader of Cuba following the revolution he led against American corporate-mafia interests there. In the 52 years since he defeated the imperialist yanquis, Castro has watched eleven presidencies go by. Eleven! (Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush Jr., Obama.) And Castro is now pretty good at figuring out what Washington is about to do to some other country, as he has been the continual target of what Washington is trying to do, especially when it comes to “regular assassination attempts.”

And Castro says Mr. Obama is going (by robot-autopen death drone) to Iran:

I have absolutely no doubt that as soon as the American and Israeli warships are deployed –alongside the rest of the American military vessels positioned off the Iranian coasts– and they try to inspect the first merchant ship from that country, there will be a massive launching of missiles in both directions. At that moment exactly the terrible war will begin. It’s not possible to estimate how many vessels will be sunk or from what country.

[….]

An abundance of food exported now to that world market will also disappear abruptly. In these circumstances, the most basic products needed for life: food, water, fuels, and the resources found in the hemisphere south of the United States will suffice to preserve some of the civilization whose unbridled advance has led humanity into such a disaster.

While it’s very true that old people sometimes get this way, it is also true that we are deep into a Global Financial Collapse and things are just beginning to get rough — just now, just starting to get rough, for some of us, mostly in Greece and China and in the awful crushed dreamscapes of the Americans. So, who knows, maybe Nobama really will start a global thermonuclear war, as all other alleged attempts to calm the Ponzi Scheme known as the World Financial System seem to have faltered. [Gramma]

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  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Kristol Meh is that you?

  • Barb

    He's just pissed that he can't retire to Miami.

  • riverside68

    Somebody otta poison his cigar and make his hair fall out!

    What was that? . . . Oh, I see, well carry on.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Castro – the answer to the trick-question, "Who's not buried in Castro's tomb?"

    (I realize that made no sense and wasn't funny, but I'm just clearing my throat in advance of delivering INCREDIBLY clever political snark. No, really.)

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Actually, that made complete sense, and the equivalent jape regarding USG was a favorite of my dad. Except for the absence of an obvious Mrs. Castro.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Well, he's probably right. I mean, who do we have left to bomb at this point?

    • WriteyWriterton

      Orange County?

    • TrotskysAxe

      Cuba?

      • RedneckMuslin

        Central American and caribbean countries. And think of all the fuel we'd save.

        • WriteyWriterton

          We could just fire off STLMs from the decks of cruise ships!

          • Doktor Zoom
          • user-of-owls

            What in the name of hoop-dee-doo's does Tio Fidel have to do with Surf & Turf Landscape Management?!?

            I mean, fuck, I specialize in this shit and am now baffled as to the apparent transition from El Jefe Maximo to "Hi, I'm Fidel and I'll be your server tonight. Our special is a beautifully char-grilled rib-eye with authentic Maine lobster. Can I get you something to drink while you look over the menu? Ah, two triple Havana Clubs neat. Excellent selection, I'll be right back with your drinks."

            Needs more running dogs.

          • RedneckMuslin

            Calm down! Calm down! He meant The Southern Tip of Lake Michigan. We'll drown the bastards.

          • WriteyWriterton

            Sea-to-land-missiles. Maybe I made that up.

    • SorosBot

      Canada, with all their beady little eyes and flappin' heads so full of lies.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Everything's gone wrong since Canada came along.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      We haven't bombed Germany of Japan in decades. Go with the Classics, I say.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Ya can't go wrong with the classics.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Ah, old school. There aren't nearly enough brown people in Japan (unless you count ganguro), but Germany is supposedly full of muslins, so that would really excite the conservatives.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, let Rick Perry open his secessionist trap one more time, and I'm thinking Texas will jump right on that list.

    • flamingpdog

      You forgot Poland!

      • user-of-owls

        You don't bomb the Polacks, you steamroll them. Think Tiananmen.

        • Doktor Zoom

          I thought one smote the sledded Polacks on the ice.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    He's slightly more accurate than Dick Morris.

    • WriteyWriterton

      But he sucks cigars, not toes.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      And slightly less Dick.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      He's been right once?

  • northernbassist

    Why is it you never see Castro and Seymour Hersh together? Huh? WHY?!?!?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Global thermonukular war? I used that once to get out of having to do my homework.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Wouldn't you rather play a nice game of chess?

    • DemmeFatale

      At least Castro isn't a pig-eyed sack of shit!

      (So glad I'm not the only old around here.)

    • genxr

      Hell, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it would help.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ooooh, tell me more, Castrodamus!!!

  • JoshuaNorton

    He obviously gets his US News from Fox. He's in the right demographic for it.

  • baconzgood

    Castro's trying to get Glenn Beck's slot?

  • El Pinche

    Right , wrong … it doesn't matter when you got the fly Fila fresh gear

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Fidelito is making a prophet of Woody Allen.

    "From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish!"

    • WriteyWriterton

      "And everyone will wear their underwear outside their pants!"

  • littlebigdaddy

    Ya know, old guys, when they can no longer masturbate, have to fantasize about something.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Tell me about it. Sigh…

      • littlebigdaddy

        Try ginseng (the real stuff). Works better than Cialis imho.

    • http://portalseven.com/employment/unemployment_rate_u6.jsp?fromYear=2007&toYear=2011 Noman

      You mean images of George Soros or Karl Marx don't do it for them like when they were young progressives?

      • WriteyWriterton

        Give some thought to hiring gag-writers. Your material is below-par even for conservative wit.

        "Conservative wit." Hey, look ma! I made an oxymoron!

        • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

          No kidding. At this point, Dane Cook would be an improvement.

        • Doktor Zoom

          I don't think he needs to hire anyone. Everything he writes makes me gag.

          • http://portalseven.com/employment/unemployment_rate_u6.jsp?fromYear=2007&toYear=2011 Noman

            I'm so big I make you gag.

        • http://portalseven.com/employment/unemployment_rate_u6.jsp?fromYear=2007&toYear=2011 Noman

          All of them, Katie!

          T

          Cheney shoots babies in the face for not working in the mines.

          Now I r a wibburahl genius.

          • Fuck Toad

            Is there a reason you're still quoting things Sarah Palin said as examples of liberal wit? Because that's two of three, right there.

        • flamingpdog

          "Conservative twit". Hey, look ma! I made an oxycontinmoron.

          OK, lame, but I've been trapped in a sterile cubicle for seven hours straight.

        • LionHeartSoyDog

          "I made an oxymoron!"

          If i send you some polyester and styrofoam and a bucket of high fructose corn syrup, will you make me one, too?

          • WriteyWriterton

            Anytime, my friend. Just say the word.

      • littlebigdaddy

        George Soros would be a poster boy for a "capitalist tool" by any orthodox Marxist. It shows how out of touch you wingnuts are that you think that someone who made billions by speculating on currency could possibly be an enemy of vigorous free-market capitalism.

    • HistoriCat

      John Bolton is not that old.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    Since when did Castro start writing for the New Yorker?

  • mathme

    This doesn't sound too far-fetched. It sounds like a really, really stupid move for the US, but when has that stopped us before?

  • BornInATrailer

    The World's Most Interesting Dictator

    • genxr

      "I don't always start global thermonuclear war, but when I do, I prefer eme equis."

    • http://portalseven.com/employment/unemployment_rate_u6.jsp?fromYear=2007&toYear=2011 Noman

      Why mention Barry?

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        Yes, Barry the great dictator. Sound the alert. The concentration camp must be missing an inmate.

  • WhatTheHeck

    If only Ché were alive today. He would slap that Cohiba out of Fidel's mouth and tell him the Bilderburgs are not quite ready for this thing to begin.

  • Redhead

    He probably meant Iraq, after Obama moves it to Egypt. Shouldn't have been watching Fox News, Castro.

  • Radiotherapy®

    Isn't this the guy who gave Monica Lewinsky a cigar?

    • genxr

      Look out! It's a snuke!

  • fuflans

    now that gaddafi's nearing the end of his term, fidel's angling for the 'craziest dictator for life' award.

    and really, it's only fair. he's 84 and who wants the 'lifetime achievement' award?

  • mavenmaven

    Haha, the big joke will be that all this will transpire, but all the profit will be made by the Dominican Republic and Fidel will lose out again!

  • JackObin

    "……And from now on, all underwear will be worn on the outside…"

    • WriteyWriterton

      [In Nelson's Muntz's voice]: Ha-ha!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    We wuz attacked last night here in C'Addle. Mrs. weejee & I were at our beloved Zootunes listening to Marc Cohn & Mary Chapin Carpenter, just groovin' to the tunes with a passel of fellow hippies when a B-17 comes in flyin' low, very low, right smack over our heads. About a half-hour later it comes back & buzzes us again.

    Now who today goes around drivin' & flyin' 60-year old 'Murican iron? Cuba, that's who. just look at their taxis for crying out loud.

    Barry whatcha doin' while Cuba is bombing bluer than blue C'Addle with B-17s? Do the Cubans have to done keffiyehs and burqas for you to protect our socialist asses?

    Actually wuz kinda cool, the olde 4-engine prop plane still flying about. The Wiki says only 10 are still airworthy & this one is here for some 4th of July something down in Tacoma. Oh shit, that makes more sense than the Cubans.

    Barry, what are you gonna do about the frickin' Tacomans getting pissy about the olde Tacoma aroma jokes, and losing the railroad wars of almost 100 years ago, and trying to bomb C'Addle hippies?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Sadly, as of 2 weeks ago, there's one less B-17 still flying. I'm glad my kiddo and I were able to tour this one when it visited Boise a couple years back.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Ouch!

        • Doktor Zoom

          Yep, a damn shame–especially since, according to the plane's website, the damage was relatively light after the eergency landing:

          There were high hopes that the fire would be extinguished quickly and the damage would be repairable. Those hopes were diminished as the fire trucks deemed the field too soft to cross due to the area’s recent rainfall. So while standing by our burning B-17 and watching the fire trucks parked at the field’s edge, they sadly watched the wing fire spread to the aircraft’s fuel cells and of course, you all have seen the end result. There is no doubt that had the fire equipment been able to reach our aircraft, the fire would have been quickly extinguished and our Liberty Belle would have been repaired …

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            And McFistie binged you for this post? Whadda douche!

  • salt_bagel

    "The hemisphere south of the United States"?

    Um…you're gonna need to be a bit more specific.

  • genxr

    "…unbridled advance has led humanity into such a disaster."

    We're working on getting rid of that unbridled abundance thing, give us time.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    I can see Ken Layne impersonating Fidel Gastro in a debate against the fake Obama.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Fidel Gastropod?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But can we cut taxes enough to pay for a fourth war?

    • GOPCrusher

      I can't wait for the letters to start going out to Social Security recipients, telling them that the checks stop because the Republiklans won't agree to raise taxes on the money hoarders.

  • Rotundo_

    Fidel has a point, betting against stupid is usually a loser, but betting against *broke* and stupid usually is relatively safe. Unless one of those senators (current or former)) or representatives from Lockeed, General Dynamics, GE, et al, gets elected. In that case there will be shitpiles of monies for freedumb and bomb bomb bombing Iran, cause we will be burning through those drones and bombs like a mother. Unfortunately it will entail a bunch of casualties too, but the coffins won't be photographed just like Bush the Deuce's term.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Points taken but he did put a lot of people in prison for opposing his regime. A LOT.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Weird, but the US still has the highest percentage of inmates in the world?

      I don't want to start a flame war, but I'd like to say you should really take the deep look into our own country before we start thinking about what's happening in another. And it's pretty odd to talk about what Cuba does to it's political opponents chillin' in the country that blew Fred Hampton away while he slept. That's all.

      • WriteyWriterton

        Not arguing at all. Agree completely with you. Just pointing out that he isn't an altogether nice man who plays well with others.

  • TrotskysAxe

    He speaks Spanish… in Russian.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Somewhere, John Bolton is fapping his fool head off.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Now in his sixth decade as the world’s preeminent expert on target of U.S. foreign policy…

    Fixed that for you

  • GOPCrusher

    So does this mean that Bill Kristol, Monica Crowley, Liz Cheney, etc. are now agreeing with Fidel Castro?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Monica & Liz yes. Kristol is just wide stance sleeping with him and comparing cigars.

  • Come here a minute

    Did he mention whether the Nats will make the playoffs?

    • flamingpdog

      He's not that senile.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      If he did, he would agree with new manager Davey Johnson. I guess that's two…and holding. I mean, hell, they're two games over .500. Who'da thunk it? (Fidel and the manager agreeing, that is.)

    • WriteyWriterton

      If they keep playing my Sox, they will.

  • Billmatic

    I would like to mention that Tito also claimed to have eliminated systemic racism.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yugoslav_Wars

    • littlebigdaddy

      Yes, and now in the Balkans (where I was last week) each nationality makes an extreme effort to distinguish itself from others who are only slightly different. But with Fidel, it was a question literally of black and white.

      • Billmatic

        Oh no doubt, no doubt. The Balkans and the Caucasian mountains are just made for completely out-of-control racial conflict between people that outsiders can't even tell apart over history that's 500 years old or more. I'm just saying when you declare racism over, you're wrong.

        I mean, remember how Obama was the post racism president? And then he gets trolled with birth certificate rumors and secret Muslim claims from racists.

    • zhubajie

      I'm willing to bet there's a lot of Tito-nostalgia.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Titos or GTFO

        • WriteyWriterton

          Yeah, baby, show us your Titos!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Do not lend so much credence to Hugo Chavez's pillow-talk.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should NOT bomb Iran just to piss him off. That would be awesome.

    • genxr

      Ruthless… I like it.

    • WriteyWriterton

      It's crazy, but it just might work.

  • Doktor Zoom

    OT, but good news–the Supremes have tossed California's stupid ban on "violent" video games, and I have to hand it to Justice Scalia for writing a majority opinion that could have come straight from the ACLU. For all his weird ideas about originalism, I'll give Scalia this: he's pretty much a free speech absolutist, too. Pity he seems to think that corporate money is a form of speech, though.

    • PubOption

      Clarence Thomas actually disagreed with him!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Thomas has voted opposite of Scalia on a number of 1st-Amendment cases. He tends not to like free speech…or, for that matter, any verbal expression of any kind.

  • riverside68

    The success of Cuba can be seen in the schools and hospitals.

    The failure can be seen in the markets and jails

    (But their jails don't hold a candle to US of A!)

  • RedneckMuslin

    What did Diana Ross have to do with it?

    • Peace in our time

      I second that emotion.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Fun fact that PBS told me: Cuba was integrated before US intervention in the 50s (40s?). The US required the institution of Jim Crow laws in exchange for aid.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Gah. USA!USA!USA!11!

  • MissusBarry

    Come, now, even us youngs know the old man. Or, fuck, maybe I'm no longer young.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Nailed it. The explanation for your non-ignorance/knowledge, I mean.

  • voodooeconomics

    There are now 3 complete dictators in Cuba; Fidel,Raul and Chavez. They loooove freedom.
    Not sure why pick on Iran at this time. Bush came and went and we only had 2 wars. There is a bit of skirmish in Libya. We do seem to be footing the bill on that one. Borrowing really. The Europeans are so broke, except for Germany, they could not afford this shit anyways

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Sweet Jeebus, look what payload that bomber wuz packin'. A blast from the past & all. Neilist returns, kitty & all.

    Now what have you done with Extemporanus?

  • Doktor Zoom

    There's an amusing little Boeing joke in Cars 2: The jumbo jet character's name is Everett.

  • GregComlish

    Are you guys really mocking Fidel for suggesting that we are about to invade another Muslim country??

    Yeah, Castro's timing is probably off. Given the clusterfuck that we're currently in, it could take a while before we get around to attacking Iran. But that's just a matter of logistics. Does anybody here really think it's unlikely that we're going to attack Iran eventually?

    I would bet hard cash that we will launch an attack on Iran prior to the year 2020.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Well, if you include the Stuxnet worm, you may have already won that bet.

      (whoops–meant to post this here, not as a separate comment)

  • user-of-owls

    So, to start:
    Neilist::Sick Gun Fetish as is Owls::Latin American Politics Expertise & Utter Lack of Humility.

    Guess what dizzy children, Tio is in a certain sense right about the capacity of the Americas (i.e., Americans who are not part of the Double-Down Fried Fat Cake with Bacon and a Three-Gallon of Dr. Pepper reality) to actually do just what he predicts: survive on their own. If you carve out Latin America's 'Fourth World' countries (Haiti, Nicaragua, etc.), the region has been pretty much rockin' on economic front. Of course, they caught our venal IMF-friendly-trickle on-grotesque inequality producing cancer early on, when Jeff Sachs napalmed the region with neo-liberal scorched earth reform. But he, and more importantly the post-shock therapy reform leaders (think Lula, the Kirchners, Alan Garcia, etc.) have devised extraordinary formulae for balancing growth, fiscal responsibility and a social policy designed not just to provide a safety net, but a safety trampoline. En serio, debe leerse sobre las avances impresionante en el area de politicas publica en las Americas.

    Ah, who'm I a kiddin.' How 'bout a big ol' poopyhead for a half-loaded bird who got a pet peeve 'bout ignorance of the millions of people who are fuckin' attached to us. Honestly, best goddamn thing that happened to our southern neighbors is that we completely fucking forgot they were there. Finally. Finally, they've realized we are irrelevant to them.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      I traveled to Venezuela in 2009. Toured some co-op farms and factories. I had a great time.

      All I could think about during the trip of course, seeing the children playing with little animals, or the hot chicks walking around Caracas, or the men working in the fields or in the factories, was how simple and easy it is for the US turn on the propaganda machine and finally attack to turn a poor country of 25 million men, women, and children trying to make ends meet into a brutal gaping blood-spurting butcher-hole like we did in Iraq.

      And you couldn't even cobble together a simple majority of Americans who might actually give a fuck. Feelsbadman.

      You know, fuck anyone's military power really, but mostly Fuck American military power because we have so much of it and we don't give a fuck about using it.

      • user-of-owls

        Or, perhaps much, much more importantly, not using it. I must admit that I am morally ripped apart, as would be expected of any stupid Mick-altar boy with Catholic guilt layered onto a veneer of 'Just War' theology.

    • Neilist_Returns

      You say "Sick Gun Fetish" like it's a BAD thing . . . .

      • user-of-owls

        Oh mother of fucking god, I gone and done Beetlejuice. Ain't no mea culpa what's maxima enough for to cover me now. Lord ha mercy.

        • Neilist_Returns

          Death Don't Have No Mercy In This Land.

          In Em.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    Calling Fidel an expert on American Foreign Policy is like calling someone who has been in prison for sixty years an expert on prison.

    Oh, I see. Carry on.

  • ttommyunger

    Well, Fidel is smoking Cuban Cigars and poking his finger in Uncle Sam's eye again. Meanwhile, so many powerful world leaders who belittled him over the years are……fucking dead.

  • MiniMencken

    Who is El Lider trying to channel here, Sy Hersh or Bill Kristol? Whichever, I think we have the Alter Kocker Trifecta here.

  • Negropolis

    Fidel Castro is the Bill Kristol of international politics. That's really all that needs to be said.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Shit, I wonder if we don't keep the sanctions out of some misplaced Cold War nostalgia. Florida for one badly needs Republicans right now Nothing would end communism there faster than a little more trade and tourism. In Cuba I mean, not Florida. Fidel's kinda gettin' senile, just sayin'. Don't know what Rick Scott's excuse is.

  • http://garden-paradise-retirement-lifestyle.blogspot.com MarieDevine

    The devil behind our president and this administration have been trying to get us into some GRAND war or another. Remember how we tried to push North Korea into a war with exercises a few miles off their territory; North Korea did not bite even when USA joined Japan for joined war exercises from Japan's side.

    IF we forget there is a devil trying to destroy us, we will think we are spreading democracy and homan rights; but our policies are against all holy books and religions. We are pressing enslavement to lifelong employment instead of freedom living off the land. We only have extinction ahead if we do not turn to the land and create a garden paradise lifestyle that can quickly and easily solve the many personal, national and world problems we created with the employment lifestyle. WOW !!! We thought we were so wise and blessed with great prosperity and could not see we were slaves because a few rich "carrots" made us think we could be super rich too. Divine-Way.com shows our escape; escape is what we need.

  • mathme

    This is exactly how it happened, down to Bolton's erection– though, "huge"? Come on.