guilty of winning our hearts is more like it

Our Fallen Hairline: Rod Blagojevich Guilty On 17 of 20 Charges

There is still a hairbrush hidden in my butt, for prison.We are sad to see surrealist comedy news program “Rod Blagojevich Eternally On Trial For Being An Idiot” finally come to a close now that Rod has just been convicted on 17 of 20 counts of corruption. Has it really been eternity already? Seriously, we cannot remember anymore when we were not reading about this hairball goon’s ridiculous scheming. Terrible enemies of hilarity “the jury” took only ten days to decide that Rod is a hopeless piece of scum who will have to go away. We are hoping there are already plans for Rod to get a teevee show from jail? There Are No Hairbrushes in Prison can be its very tragic title, and Rod will teach troubled black inmate youth how to play harmonicas for a five-dollar donation to his imaginary come-back campaign when he gets out in 26,384 years.

Meanwhile, because it is always fun to observe the condemned completing menial tasks, the Chicago Tribune reporter breathlessly tweeted Rod’s final act of managing to go to the bathroom and then shake everyone’s hands, for grossness:

Thanks for that, Stacy St. Clair. This is how we will try to remember him. [Chicago Tribune]

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  1. Barb

    I'm sure before he is taken to prison he will ask for 20 minutes alone with his family and 9 hours to brush his hair.

    1. jus_wonderin

      I have to believe that this is a chapter right out of "A Tale of Two Pretties". Rick Perry is actually going to do the time.

  2. nounverb911

    The Cubs win the pennant! The Cubs win the pennant! The Cubs win the pennant! Oops, sorry wrong Chicago dream. I meant to say Blago goes to prison! Blago goes to prison! Blago goes to prison!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I, for one, would love to hear a drunken Harry Caray trying to pronounce "Blagojevich." He always sounded like he was about to to hawk up a loogie when the Cubs played the Expos and he'd have to try and say "Andres Gallaraga."

      1. WriteyWriterton

        He tried to do a lot of that backwards, too, also, when the Flubs really got boring.

  3. axmxz

    He is now demanding that his hair be given an orange jumpsuit of its own, 'cause it's a crime to look that good.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Her special counts 18-20 stemmed from him serving in office too long. Fruit of the poison tree.

      2. tessiee

        "She voted for conviction on 20 of 17 counts."

        Umpteenth repetition of "57 states" story in

  4. edywin2

    I will be there in Joliet 5 years from now to pick him up in an old Dodge cop car. Full tank of gas, a pack of cigarettes, and we will be wearing sunglasses at night. Hit it Blago!

      1. BerkeleyBear

        The only mission Obama would give Rod would be to drive stright to the bottom of Lake Michigan.

  5. prommie

    Thank you. What he was doing is called "politics." Prig asshole prosecutor's delicate ears were offended.

    Funny thing, prosecutor's engage full time in something called "plea-bargaining." Dealmaking. In which they haggle, trade back and forth. Paging Alanis Morrisette.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      In all fairness, prommie, he shook down a lot of people. But basically, like many criminals, he got convicted for being a moran in plain view of the beat-cops.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      And if Rod hadn't been an unrepentent self-aggrandizing asshole, he never would have been arrested.

      He had charm and knew how to position himself as the people's champion, but he was so greedy/short sighted that he burned every bridge he could, and took every opportunity to squeeze people for money.

      The fundamental problem was that he, and the inner circle that did his bidding, thought that since all politics was a corrupt game at some level, they could be open about it. He really thought there was nothing wrong with overtly getting someone to lay 25k on the table in front of him (as part of 50k total) for a state job, or holding up approval of legislation until he got a particular contribution, or overtly telling guys like Andy Stern they'd have to take care of him if they wanted Valerie Jarrett (or anyone else) to get the Senate seat. He didn't understand that a whole lot more would flow his way if he just played nice and accumulated favors.

  6. Tundra Grifter

    Guilty or innocent, the right wing nutz will still believe it was Mr. Obama's fault that this scumbag tried to sell his Senate seat.

    Progressives, of course, deal in facts and not beliefs. But that's another story…

    1. tessiee

      Factually incorrect comment about Obama and/or progressives from Nomanbearpig in 3…

  7. LiveToServeYa

    What?! Was there no Twinkie, no Chewbacca Defense that could keep Blago's helmet out of the slammer? Oh, well, hair today and gone to dinner.

    1. tessiee

      "no Chewbacca Defense?"

      You might want to fact-check that by asking Say it with Wookies.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Pretty sure Kerner's dead. Although that does feed the four horseman meme, assuming we can assign the other roles.

  8. mavenmaven

    He goes to jail for trying to sell a senate seat, yet the Koch bros trade in these full time and they are right wing heros. Blago phoned the wrong guys…

  9. horsedreamer_1

    The GOP is pissed they couldn't slow-walk this prosecution even more, so that they could have hung it around Obama next year. But with American attention spans how they are, we won't remember this by el Dia de la Raza, this year, let alone by Election Day, next.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      In Fitzgerald's defense, he hasn't done anything in this case on the GOP's timetable. He could easily have indicted Blago before the 2008 election on a ton of stuff – locals were basically counting the days. The Senate seat ridiculousness, as important as it became, was sort of an unexpected bonus.

  10. WriteyWriterton

    Yes, we just need/want money and power. Heartlanders get a little shy around the sexy-time.

  11. VespulaMaculata

    We should send him a case of Vaseline. Celebrity sphincter has to be a jealously prized commodity behind bars.

    1. Noman

      No vaseline!

      Blagojevich, being a good liberal, NEVER uses anything made from petroleum, lest he be labeled a complete hypocrite.

  12. flamingpdog

    "The jury took multiple votes at times during the 10 days of deliberations."

    Multiple votes? Richard Daley the Elder would be proud.

  13. Jukesgrrl

    Nawww. He's going to one of those places where the Dons import their own capicola … that they will feed him after the post-coital cigarettes.

  14. Jukesgrrl

    Only ten days to render a verdict? Chicago has some pretty good restaurants, so I'd grade this jury deliberation a FAIL.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      The catering was pretty nice, but they realized it just wasn't worth having to think about Blagojevich.

  15. donner_froh

    Since most Illinois governors go to prison at some point after their term in office (beginning, I think, with Otto Kerner although it may go back farther than that) they should get a special deal–maybe one year in the slammer for every 18 months grazing at the public trough while running the state.

  16. ttommyunger

    His wife was overheard whispering in his ear after the verdict was read, "Well, now you'll know how it feels."

  17. MiniMencken

    Another case of the perpetration by the Austrian-Ottoman Man keeping the Serbian brother down!

  18. sati_demise

    How is Clarence Thomas any different from Blago?

    They are brothers separated at birth!

  19. sati_demise

    Exactly. That is my question too….how these fuckers are exactly alike.

    Blago did say those things out loud, not just think them.
    or he was high or something

  20. tessiee

    "They're going to have to build a special wing"

    It's very early here, and I'm insufficiently caffeinated, so I read this as, "They're going to have to build a special wig".

  21. BerkeleyBear

    I agree it wasn't the scale of his actions but the transparency that got Rod in trouble. Also why he got impeached – he just couldn't play well with others.

    I agree from a moral standpoint he's small fry, but GWB's handlers were at least smart enough to implicate so many other people in the Iraq clusterfuck as to essentially make themselves untouchable, as well as making the Plame/torture/fucking the economy over somehow collective issues with at most low level scapegoats. I'd fucking love to see the Hague get their paws on Cheney and George, but that's about the only hope we have.

  22. BerkeleyBear

    Thinking about it is one thing. Having your chief of staff research it, then pitching it to people in a position to act on it – that's another. And he was going down with or without the Senate seat stuff – half of his closest advisors had already been convicted or struck deals with prosecutors before Obama was elected.

    Clarence and Antonin's defense is that they were tremendous right wing assholes before they ever took the bench, so no amount of inducements would change their rulings. Sadly, it is probably true, but the appearance of impropriety would be enough to remove judges from cases in any other court in the country.

  23. SaintRond

    I quite like this guy. I'm hoping he gets very little time or even no time. Especially when every goddamn Republican is guilty of far worse malfeasance and should be spending the rest of their days in a Vladimir Putin style dungeon in six inches of ice water, infected with AIDS and radioactive substances, half a mile underground for the rest of their miserable filthy existence.

    Would ya' like to see my wiener now?

    Peace… God bless…

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