Our Fallen Hairline: Rod Blagojevich Guilty On 17 of 20 Charges

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

There is still a hairbrush hidden in my butt, for prison.We are sad to see surrealist comedy news program “Rod Blagojevich Eternally On Trial For Being An Idiot” finally come to a close now that Rod has just been convicted on 17 of 20 counts of corruption. Has it really been eternity already? Seriously, we cannot remember anymore when we were not reading about this hairball goon’s ridiculous scheming. Terrible enemies of hilarity “the jury” took only ten days to decide that Rod is a hopeless piece of scum who will have to go away. We are hoping there are already plans for Rod to get a teevee show from jail?┬áThere Are No Hairbrushes in Prison can be its very tragic title, and Rod will teach troubled black inmate youth how to play harmonicas for a five-dollar donation to his imaginary come-back campaign when he gets out in 26,384 years.

Meanwhile, because it is always fun to observe the condemned completing menial tasks, the Chicago Tribune reporter breathlessly tweeted Rod’s final act of managing to go to the bathroom and then shake everyone’s hands, for grossness:

Thanks for that, Stacy St. Clair. This is how we will try to remember him. [Chicago Tribune]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 92 comments }

Barb June 27, 2011 at 4:09 pm

In prison, now his seat will be sold to the highest bidder. Coincidence? I think not!

Noman June 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm

His seat will go to the biggest brother.

Barb June 27, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I'm sure before he is taken to prison he will ask for 20 minutes alone with his family and 9 hours to brush his hair.

nounverb911 June 27, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Does he use the same hairdresser as Calista?

Barb June 27, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I don't know who does the coifs at Madame Tussaud's House of Wax figures, no.

jus_wonderin June 27, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I have to believe that this is a chapter right out of "A Tale of Two Pretties". Rick Perry is actually going to do the time.

Rosie_Scenario June 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

And then there's Breck Boy, Johnny Edwards.

nounverb911 June 27, 2011 at 4:10 pm

The Cubs win the pennant! The Cubs win the pennant! The Cubs win the pennant! Oops, sorry wrong Chicago dream. I meant to say Blago goes to prison! Blago goes to prison! Blago goes to prison!

baconzgood June 27, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Wait till next year.

Doktor Zoom June 27, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I, for one, would love to hear a drunken Harry Caray trying to pronounce "Blagojevich." He always sounded like he was about to to hawk up a loogie when the Cubs played the Expos and he'd have to try and say "Andres Gallaraga."

WriteyWriterton June 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm

He tried to do a lot of that backwards, too, also, when the Flubs really got boring.

axmxz June 27, 2011 at 4:11 pm

He is now demanding that his hair be given an orange jumpsuit of its own, 'cause it's a crime to look that good.

Barb June 27, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Hey Rod, don't drop the shampoo, if ya know what I mean. If you don't, you soon will.

nounverb911 June 27, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Was Sarah Palin on the jury?

Radiotherapy® June 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

She quit half way through the trial.

flamingpdog June 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

She voted for conviction on 20 of 17 counts.

Jukesgrrl June 27, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Her special counts 18-20 stemmed from him serving in office too long. Fruit of the poison tree.

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 9:31 am

"She voted for conviction on 20 of 17 counts."

Umpteenth repetition of "57 states" story in
3…
2…

edywin2 June 27, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I will be there in Joliet 5 years from now to pick him up in an old Dodge cop car. Full tank of gas, a pack of cigarettes, and we will be wearing sunglasses at night. Hit it Blago!

Doktor Zoom June 27, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Noman June 27, 2011 at 6:17 pm

We're on a mission from Obama.

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 1:57 pm

The only mission Obama would give Rod would be to drive stright to the bottom of Lake Michigan.

baconzgood June 27, 2011 at 4:17 pm

He WAS a little bitch in office and now he WILL BE little bitch in orifice.

DaRooster June 27, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Did he have glory-hole sexy time in there?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 27, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Well, at least that takes care of corruption in Illinois.

nounverb911 June 27, 2011 at 4:21 pm

How's Rahm doing?

Noman June 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm

corrupt as ever

BaldarTFlagass June 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Well, I certainly hope he washed his hands.

prommie June 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Thank you. What he was doing is called "politics." Prig asshole prosecutor's delicate ears were offended.

Funny thing, prosecutor's engage full time in something called "plea-bargaining." Dealmaking. In which they haggle, trade back and forth. Paging Alanis Morrisette.

WriteyWriterton June 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

In all fairness, prommie, he shook down a lot of people. But basically, like many criminals, he got convicted for being a moran in plain view of the beat-cops.

sati_demise June 28, 2011 at 1:42 am

jeebus, he shook down a childrens hospital!

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 1:44 pm

And if Rod hadn't been an unrepentent self-aggrandizing asshole, he never would have been arrested.

He had charm and knew how to position himself as the people's champion, but he was so greedy/short sighted that he burned every bridge he could, and took every opportunity to squeeze people for money.

The fundamental problem was that he, and the inner circle that did his bidding, thought that since all politics was a corrupt game at some level, they could be open about it. He really thought there was nothing wrong with overtly getting someone to lay 25k on the table in front of him (as part of 50k total) for a state job, or holding up approval of legislation until he got a particular contribution, or overtly telling guys like Andy Stern they'd have to take care of him if they wanted Valerie Jarrett (or anyone else) to get the Senate seat. He didn't understand that a whole lot more would flow his way if he just played nice and accumulated favors.

ManchuCandidate June 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm

The truth shall set you… Wait! Whut?

Tundra Grifter June 27, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Guilty or innocent, the right wing nutz will still believe it was Mr. Obama's fault that this scumbag tried to sell his Senate seat.

Progressives, of course, deal in facts and not beliefs. But that's another story…

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 8:42 am

Factually incorrect comment about Obama and/or progressives from Nomanbearpig in 3…
2…

ifthethunderdontgetya June 27, 2011 at 4:24 pm

For it's next act, our Department of Justice™ will throw NYT reporter James Risen in jail for not ratting out a Bush-era whistle-blower.
~

LiveToServeYa June 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm

What?! Was there no Twinkie, no Chewbacca Defense that could keep Blago's helmet out of the slammer? Oh, well, hair today and gone to dinner.

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 8:45 am

"no Chewbacca Defense?"

You might want to fact-check that by asking Say it with Wookies.

weejee June 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Blago, better start texting Otto Kerner, George Ryan, and Dan Walker. Youse guyz are now the Four Whoresmen. Of the Apocalypse, Highlander, Notre Dame, or pro wrestling?

Nah. Canal Street is more like it.

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Pretty sure Kerner's dead. Although that does feed the four horseman meme, assuming we can assign the other roles.

mavenmaven June 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

He goes to jail for trying to sell a senate seat, yet the Koch bros trade in these full time and they are right wing heros. Blago phoned the wrong guys…

WriteyWriterton June 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Otherwise, I completely agree, T_Dog.

WriteyWriterton June 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

ISWYDT. Heh.

jus_wonderin June 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Perfect for HBO.

Guppy06 June 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I see a Pulitzer candidate!

horsedreamer_1 June 27, 2011 at 4:38 pm

How does this conviction get included in Roland Burris's crypt?

Jukesgrrl June 27, 2011 at 6:43 pm

"Brought down corrupt governor Rod Blagojevich," as if it was purely his own doing.

DerrickWildcat June 27, 2011 at 4:42 pm

That is 85%, which isn't too bad for not studying or nuthin.

horsedreamer_1 June 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm

The GOP is pissed they couldn't slow-walk this prosecution even more, so that they could have hung it around Obama next year. But with American attention spans how they are, we won't remember this by el Dia de la Raza, this year, let alone by Election Day, next.

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 2:03 pm

In Fitzgerald's defense, he hasn't done anything in this case on the GOP's timetable. He could easily have indicted Blago before the 2008 election on a ton of stuff – locals were basically counting the days. The Senate seat ridiculousness, as important as it became, was sort of an unexpected bonus.

WriteyWriterton June 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Yes, we just need/want money and power. Heartlanders get a little shy around the sexy-time.

rambone June 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Always tryin' to keep a brother down!

guangho June 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

100% of Rod Blagojeviches are in prison. This oppression is unheard of.

fuflans June 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm

(blushes).

you are too kind.

fuflans June 27, 2011 at 4:57 pm

gives new meaning to "i've got this thing and it's fucking golden".

mourningnmerica June 27, 2011 at 5:09 pm

It's soon going to be blue.

Noman June 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I think Democrat Rod will be the one doing the bluing.

fuflans June 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

also: is 'stacystclair' a man?

VespulaMaculata June 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

We should send him a case of Vaseline. Celebrity sphincter has to be a jealously prized commodity behind bars.

Noman June 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

No vaseline!

Blagojevich, being a good liberal, NEVER uses anything made from petroleum, lest he be labeled a complete hypocrite.

GOPCrusher June 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

By the end of the year, santorum will be on the lips of Rod Blagojevich.

Crank_Tango June 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm

like Dr Tobias Funke?

Limeylizzie June 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm

You are so Wonkettecentric and I love you for it.

DemmeFatale June 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Mmmm…
Meloni, naked in solitary.

SudsMcKenzie June 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

… and he Could have been Trumps apprentice.

guangho June 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

With good behavior he'll be out in 24,500 years max.

GOPCrusher June 27, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Scott Walker used it as his campaign slogan.

flamingpdog June 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

p stands for pooper? Who knew?

flamingpdog June 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm

"The jury took multiple votes at times during the 10 days of deliberations."

Multiple votes? Richard Daley the Elder would be proud.

Noman June 27, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Since this is a Chicago jury of 12, they kept getting total vote counts between 24 and 48.

MrFizzy June 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Those cutie-pie bangs are going to go over real good in prison, boy.

Jukesgrrl June 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

"Governor Graybar, up next, right after Rachel Maddow."

Jukesgrrl June 27, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Nawww. He's going to one of those places where the Dons import their own capicola … that they will feed him after the post-coital cigarettes.

Jukesgrrl June 27, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Only ten days to render a verdict? Chicago has some pretty good restaurants, so I'd grade this jury deliberation a FAIL.

Doktor Zoom June 27, 2011 at 7:58 pm

The catering was pretty nice, but they realized it just wasn't worth having to think about Blagojevich.

rocktonsam June 27, 2011 at 6:59 pm

RUN BAMBI RUN

donner_froh June 27, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Since most Illinois governors go to prison at some point after their term in office (beginning, I think, with Otto Kerner although it may go back farther than that) they should get a special deal–maybe one year in the slammer for every 18 months grazing at the public trough while running the state.

__kth__ June 27, 2011 at 8:35 pm

StacyStClair's reporting leaves a little to be desired, though. Clearly Blago was "sitting in the waiting room". But tell us why, SSC, because he can't get up?

UW8316154 June 27, 2011 at 8:55 pm

I rather free Blago than see Sarah run.

ttommyunger June 27, 2011 at 9:38 pm

His wife was overheard whispering in his ear after the verdict was read, "Well, now you'll know how it feels."

flamingpdog June 27, 2011 at 10:46 pm

I'll bet you they cuss less in prison than she does on the outside.

ttommyunger June 27, 2011 at 10:51 pm

She is the balls in that family, but he'll do the time. Smart little cunt, ain't she?

MiniMencken June 27, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Another case of the perpetration by the Austrian-Ottoman Man keeping the Serbian brother down!

WriteyWriterton June 27, 2011 at 11:52 pm

"I wish I could have ordained more anal rapists.'

- A pope

fixed.

sati_demise June 28, 2011 at 1:36 am

How is Clarence Thomas any different from Blago?

They are brothers separated at birth!

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 8:48 am

Well, technically, only one of them is a brother.

sati_demise June 28, 2011 at 1:39 am

Exactly. That is my question too….how these fuckers are exactly alike.

Blago did say those things out loud, not just think them.
or he was high or something

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 8:40 am

I'd rather watch him than Paula Deen.

tessiee June 28, 2011 at 8:46 am

"They're going to have to build a special wing"

It's very early here, and I'm insufficiently caffeinated, so I read this as, "They're going to have to build a special wig".

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I agree it wasn't the scale of his actions but the transparency that got Rod in trouble. Also why he got impeached – he just couldn't play well with others.

I agree from a moral standpoint he's small fry, but GWB's handlers were at least smart enough to implicate so many other people in the Iraq clusterfuck as to essentially make themselves untouchable, as well as making the Plame/torture/fucking the economy over somehow collective issues with at most low level scapegoats. I'd fucking love to see the Hague get their paws on Cheney and George, but that's about the only hope we have.

BerkeleyBear June 28, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Thinking about it is one thing. Having your chief of staff research it, then pitching it to people in a position to act on it – that's another. And he was going down with or without the Senate seat stuff – half of his closest advisors had already been convicted or struck deals with prosecutors before Obama was elected.

Clarence and Antonin's defense is that they were tremendous right wing assholes before they ever took the bench, so no amount of inducements would change their rulings. Sadly, it is probably true, but the appearance of impropriety would be enough to remove judges from cases in any other court in the country.

SaintRond June 29, 2011 at 2:06 am

I quite like this guy. I'm hoping he gets very little time or even no time. Especially when every goddamn Republican is guilty of far worse malfeasance and should be spending the rest of their days in a Vladimir Putin style dungeon in six inches of ice water, infected with AIDS and radioactive substances, half a mile underground for the rest of their miserable filthy existence.

Would ya' like to see my wiener now?

Peace… God bless…

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