Soon there will be t-shirts.According to the Republican Party of America circa 2008, the biggest threat to America was a couple of nice gay people who live together and share all their expenses also being able to visit each other in the hospital, thanks to “gay marriage.” But now that New York State Republicans have approved Gay Marriage, the national GOP is suspiciously silent. Maybe they were all gay all along? Well yeah, but they are still supposed to be against any legislation that was fair to gays overall. Have Republicans all turned “Cuomosexual?”

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo finally got to sign a hard-won bill to legalize teh ghey marriage over the weekend, which is good. So, have all of New York’s small children turned gay yet? This is what happens, we have heard during culture wars past, when gay people get married. Maybe not? Well, plenty of other terrible things are likely to happen, according to people like Newt Gingrich.

Here is what weird human failure Newt Gingrich said about it: “I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful to work our way out of.”┬áHaha, Newt, we are not talking about your campaign. But he is always our favorite person to check in with for hypocritical comments about marriage. And that is literally the worst thing we can find about this from any of the GOP presidential candidates, who are being suspiciously silent about all of this, probably because the law was passed by a Republican-controlled state senate.

Michele Bachmann initially forgot to check in with her other voices in her head and first said, during an interview on Fox News, that the states can legalize gay marriage if they want to, but then Other Michele #4 changed around and said we need one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele in restrooms.

And sad Manhattan cat lady Kathryn Jean Lopez is just depressed, so all she could muster was a useless post over at The Corner about how gay marriage would have failed if New Yorkers would have been allowed to vote on a referendum about it, which would be news to the 58% of New Yorkers who support gay marriage. WHATEVER, MATH IS STUPID. [NYTimes/ Reuters]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Maybe they are all rushing to contact a wedding planner.

  • nounverb911

    When is Lindsey Graham announcing his engagement?

    • As soon as Joe Lieberman announces his availability.

      Can't you just see them together, dancing to "Lift Us Up Where We Belong" ?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Oh no no, when White Wedding is so much more apropos.

      • tessiee

        "Joe Lieberman"

        Well, doesn't *that* just shoot the ham-biscuit-camape idea all to hell.

    • dr_giraud

      Soon. It's a long hike up the Appalachian Trail to New York.

    • hollywooddood

      As soon as Tammy Faye Boehner pops the question?

    • Negropolis

      When ham biscuits fly.

  • comrad_darkness

    Maybe all the NY GOP are too busy trolling for convincing trannies on craigslist to notice. Boy will they be thrilled when they do notice!

  • bumfug

    Why's Newt pissed? With gay marriage legal he'd have twice as many potential spouses to cheat on.

    • comrad_darkness

      It doubles the number of mistress/mister(?) types who will insist on a ring. Trouble!

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        That's where the big line o' credit comes in handy.

    • nounverb911

      Needs more man on Newt sex.

      (I just grossed myself out).

      • emmelemm

        Grossed YOURSELF out? Try grossed the rest of us out. Thanks a heckuva lot!!

        • CZL

          Heckuva job, Verby.

      • bumfug

        Do moobs count as second base?

        • WriteyWriterton

          Not in my universe. Not in my Multiverse.

    • BornInATrailer

      No kidding! Until now the possibility of abandoning a spouse with prostate or penile cancer was nonexistent.

      Collect 'em all, Newt!

  • MARCdMan

    Explains why the amtrak from DC to NYC has been so crowded lately…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Is "cuomosexual" loosely defined as being a believer in consensual sex? I'm sure the GOOP is against that.

    • dr_giraud

      Ask the NY Legislature, they'll tell you: Andrew does not believe in consensual politics

  • Goonemeritus

    Newt needs to STFU on the subject of marriage. Actually Newt just needs to STFU period.

  • I don't have any problems with Gay people or Canadians.

    • Negropolis

      What was the use in brining up Canadians twice in one sentence?

  • DaRooster

    "…Newt Gingrich said about it: 'I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle…' "

    It is already a terrible muddle… and some of it named Newt Gingrich… However, gay marriage will not cause all that much of a muddle… stop the war spending, non-partisan bickering, lowering rich folks taxes, etc… these things cause muddles…

    • proudgrampa

      Hey,muggles have a right to exist, too! Why, it's terrible the discrimination that…

      Huh? What? Oh. Never mind.

  • HempDogbane

    “I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful to work our way out of" sounds like the messy by-product of canoeing and anal sex.

    • DaRooster

      Santorum/Muddles 2012

  • marriage in general is a threat…to my single life.

    • horsedreamer_1

      You're Ryan Reynolds in the upcoming body-switch comedy The Change-up?

  • SayItWithWookies

    The GOP is just cooking up some sort of retributive strategy that comes as close to credibility as they're allowed. Ideally it'll disenfranchise New York while still benefitting from their contribution to the federal tax kitty. They have standards you know — two of them.

    • The 'Pubs need to get Frank Luntz working on a sanitized euphemism for "double standard."

      • tessiee

        Don't they already have "bipartisanship"?

  • MildMidwesterner

    I wonder how many NY heterosexual marriages collapsed today…. All of them, I'm sure.

    • WriteyWriterton


    • tessiee

      Haven't you ever been to the movies, you big silly?
      Nobody in NY is married.
      They're all singles who wear slinky black dresses with sparkly jewelry, and smoke cigarettes in long holders, and live in apartments with a grand piano in the corner and one entire wall made out of glass, the better to view the skyline.

      • Negropolis

        I hear Harlem is exactly like this!

  • freakishlywrong

    Nope. Please include that blow up doll he calls a wife. Does that make ME a bad person?

    • tessiee

      "Please include that blow up doll he calls a wife."

      Hasn't she suffered enough?
      And before you answer with a reflexive, "No. No, she hasn't.", remember that it is she who has to fish his damp, limp, pasty little dinger out from between his sweaty fat rolls.

  • LesBontemps

    No, it doesn't. It's what you have hidden in the trunk in the basement that makes you a bad person.

    • riverside68

      Hah, hah, that hasn't been in the trunk for years.

      (I buried it in the fresh cement in the garage. The joke is on you.)

  • SorosBot

    It's weird; when state Supreme Courts have ordered legalization of gay marriage, the GOP has screamed "judicial activism" and demanded the only way gay marriage should be allowed is through legislation.

    Now that some legislatures are legalizing it, they've moved the goal posts again and are demanding a referendum to decide the issue, even in normal states that don't have referendums like the West Coast states do. You'd almost think that arguments about process are really total bullshit.

    • emmelemm

      Are referendums a primarily West Coast thing? Cuz we sure do have a lot of them up here….

      • SorosBot

        Pretty much, yeah; here's a chart of which states have some form of initiative or referendum process, and all of the Western states use them, while only a handful on the East Coast (only ones starting with M for some reason) and Midwest are on the list:

        • emmelemm

          I'ffn I'm reading that chart correctly (and that's a BIG IF), New York has no "initiative" process, so they can't do a "Prop 8" to try and torpedo this new legislation. Is that about the size of it?

          Of course, they could always elect a new crop of bat-shit insane legislators who'd overturn it, but that's a trickier and more indirect proposition.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Just wait, when gay marriage passes somewhere like Oregon, California or Washington by vote of the people, they will run to court to have it overturned.

      Then they will say that there is no way anyone can vote on the issue, as only God can determine who is really married and should have spousal and tax benefits.

    • tessiee

      It's just their cute li'l way of saying whatever method legalizes gay marriage (or anything else they're opposed to, really) is just for practice and doesn't really count. You know, like elections where the other guy wins.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Newt's right. When you let the toothpaste of Freedom out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. Soon, even Barry O. will support it.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Of course you haven't heard anything from anyone in the GOP, they are too busy traveling to New York to make everything official so they don't have time to go on FOX or release any statements.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And when will Newt learn? What he said isn't news worthy. If he had announced that he had cheated on his various wives and slept around with interns because he knew he had only so much time until he would have to marry a Ghey, that would have been news.

  • horsedreamer_1

    After the hell we gave France for trying to ban the head-scarf, it will be supremely funny to see the Right in the U.S. make an head-scarf ban the next wedge issue. Sure, it's not too far removed from "creeping Sharia", but unless we're going to Halal groceries or Muslin realtors, we're really not seeing it. Head-scarves we won't be able to help but see. & that visibility will make all the difference.

    • The Teatards will ban turban wedgies? Whatever will Dilbert do?

      • tessiee

        They didn't read carefully and think they're actually banning "urbans".

    • SarcasticNymph

      Sharia law is more humane than the Xtian right theocracy.

  • Steverino247

    When it was legal to gay-marry here in California, there were all these media stories about the new nuptials. I've never seen so many happy people. I thought, "What kind of an asshole wants to take that level of joy away from another human being?"

    Didn't take long for the Church of Jesus Christ of Pulling a Religion Out of a Hat to answer that question.

    • PristineODummy

      "Didn't take long for the Church of Jesus Christ of Pulling a Religion Out of a Hat Someone's Ass to answer that question."

      FIFY. No need to thank.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        No, sorry. There was a hat . Steve was spot on.

  • elviouslyqueer

    What does that make Newt?

    Um, I'll take "Bloated, adulterous, useless, pontificating, Barbie-fucking orca" for $1000, Alex.

    • PsycWench

      so BAUPBO for short?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Works for me. If I had more time (and a more expansive profane vocabulary), I could probably come up with something that could be acronymed "ASSHOLE," also.

        • tessiee

          Lump of

          • Moonbat

            *golf clap*

  • Billmatic

    I heard that gays eat babies.

    • elviouslyqueer

      GAY LIBEL. We only eat male babies (and preferably after they've been marinated for a couple days in a white wine/shallot reduction).

      • tessiee

        Try them with a side of fetus turnovers.
        *kisses bunched-together fingertips*

  • PsycWench

    and have you heard about the red-eye gravy?

    • BornInATrailer

      Nice. +1

  • PsycWench

    No, no, the People want jobs for all and to stop losing their houses. And the Republicans in Congress have been working overtime to accomplish…oh, wait, never mind.

  • Come here a minute

    Republicans used to want to ban gay marriage because it was so icky. Now it's so icky they can't even talk about it.

  • Bagger logic:

    1. When a court imposes ghey marriage or civil unions (MA, IA, CA, CT) it's legislating from the bench against the Will of the People.

    2. So when it's finally done by the Will of the People, viz. by means of actual legislation (DC, VT, NH, DE, NY), that means we ought to put the issue up to a vote which will show that the Real Will of the People is actually against it, because the baggers and haters are remarkably effective in rousing the rabble to vote in anti-ghey referenda (CA, ME, etc.)

    Q. E. fucking D.

  • smitallica

    Huh. You'd almost think the Republicans were starting to realize they were completely on the wrong side of history on this issue.

    • SorosBot

      Or they've realized that they're now on the wrong side of the polls, with support for legalization of gay marriage now at over 50% and still growing fairly quickly. Instead of grandstanding on the issue, soon they'll have to turn it to a dog whistle like their support of segregation.

    • tessiee

      You mean, like they have been on every other issue?

  • All of them, Katie.


    • Lascauxcaveman

      I am aware of all internet traditions…

  • Don't forget the tragically named S.E. Cupp. Suggestions as to her initials, please.

  • DaRooster

    Muddles is the name of my pet newt…

  • Guppy06

    Ah, poor K-Lo. She claims to be a capitalist, but refuses to do the capitalist thing by moving to a locale where the local morality and politics are more to her liking, like Riyadh.

  • rambone

    58% of New Yorkers […] support gay marriage

    Don't worry GOP. You'll always have abortion to rail against.

    At least until the Pope and Talibaptists start wondering whether Jeebus would care what happens to fetuses after they're born.

    • emmelemm

      Abortion'll never get old. Nevah!

    • Rotundo_

      Or until the ignorant assholes ban it so their daughters start turning up dead from botched abortions by the hundreds and the idiots realize that women aren't doing this for fun or convenience and will continue to do so even if it potentially might kill them. Though shame hasn't really worked with them to date, so maybe even that might not kill that strawman.

  • rambone

    "arugula"= GOP speak for "supersized order of french fries"?

  • neiltheblaze

    Why, he's an "advocate" for marriage. He's registered his support for the sanctity of marriage three times, amirite?

  • Wilcoxyz

    I loved the "terrible muddle" scene in Deliverance. Pretty much a glory hole – but with guns instead of a wall.

  • lochnessmonster

    I heard someone on @cspanwj this morning say most people in the US are live and let, I'll mind my business, you mind yours. They don't really care if someone wants to marry a girl or a guy. It's the terrorist Tea Bagger fringe that are vocal about this stuff.

  • timbo71351

    KLo is just jellus that the average gay and lesbian will get married while she will forever remain an old maid.

  • C_R_Eature

    J.B.S Haldane said "Now my own suspicion is that the Universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose", in 1927 and he never even got to go to one of those Village Halloween parades.

  • axmxz

    "Just Drifting"?

  • Madam Killjoy

    Here in lovely Downstate NY, in Saland Land (thank you, Steve, for doing the right thing), the (mostly old) yokels are all up in arms and going to vote out the RINOS and round up all us hippies and deport us or something. Because taxes are too high. And for freedom. And so that people can't someday marry their cats. The slack-jawed stupidity in these here parts is just sad and I can only *wish* my local Republicans would be weirdly silent on this issue, because the outright bigotry is just embarrassing.

    • tessiee

      Where, exactly, is Salad Land, and is the crumbled blue cheese provided by some sort of socialist program, or do you have to bring your own supply?

  • ttommyunger

    I don't give a fuck about the geh issue or Newtie, frankly, but way off topic, let me say I just now saw a clip of Bachmann's response to Fox's Chris Wallace's "Flake" crack; her response was not only spot-on, but delivered with dignity, calm and gravitas. Barry could learn a thing or two from her about how to handle a pip-squeak newser…. I can't believe I'm doing this, about Bachmann, no less. I haz confused.

  • tessiee

    I don't know whether or not you meant that sarcastically, but I think that would be a totally kickass camape.

  • PsycWench

    I know that was a really tasteless post but I couldn't resist the set up. Look what Wonkette is doing to me.

  • tessiee

    "we need one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place"

    Well, what about the wimmenz? They're always going around *menstruating* on stuff.

  • tessiee

    “I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful to work our way out of.”

    Like this sentence.

  • tessiee

    “I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful at first, and a very tight fit, then somewhat easier with lots of patience and a dab of K-Y, and then surprisingly pleasurable, especially with a reach-around. Oops, did I say that out loud?"


  • Negropolis

    Yes, but with increasingly diminishing returns. It's getting to the point of where it's like trying to bleed a turnip.

  • Negropolis

    I hear Other Michele #5 is freaky, but this one in a good way.

  • mog253

    Because Michele #2 and #3 are still locked up at the experiemental facility in upstate NY.

  • Manhattan123

    I believe sad Manhattan cat lady Kathryn Jean Lopez has moved to your neck of the woods and is now even sadder DC cat lady Kathryn Jean Lopez. She's still fat, husbandless and ugly though, so yeah.

Previous articleAnother Koch Brother Who Gets Richer Exploiting America’s Public Lands Buys Trinket For $2.3 Million
Next articleMichele Bachmann Launches 2012 Presidential Campaign By Praising ‘Killer Clown’ John Wayne Gacy