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Screw MTV: Tea Party Makes Own Show About Unwed Colonial Mothers

the original Teen MomUh, hurray! Coming soon to an Internet-capable computer near you is the world’s first Tea Party teevee series, not about Michele Bachmann’s trademark “demon eyes” makeup secrets like you might think, but an ultra-bizarre historical drama about an unmarried colonial teen mom named Sarah Palin Pine and how everyone in town must hunt down the man who impregnated her and force the pair to get married. Here is the creator, wealthy Hollywood wingnut James Patrick Riley, on why he made the show: “Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists; statesmen become agnostics or rakes.” Which, awesome, since it will be one of those nice God-fearin’ and woman-beatin’ shows everyone has been waiting for to remind America of why it is great. AMAZING TRAILER after the jump:

Here is the trailer. We could not tell what it was about from this, so we had to look at the IMDB page. The trailer is more of a postmodern pastiche of confusing accents, sobbing ladies, out-of-focus walking shots of angry men in bad wigs, and magnificent lines such as, “the governor will not be there to unsoil your great white breeches.” AUTOMATIC WRITING EMMY.

Riley still does not have a distributor for his masterwork, so you are stuck with this single episode until Glenn Beck signs on as executive producer. [Hollywood Reporter]

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  1. GunToting[Redacted]

    I was waiting for the big Monty Python foot to stomp the ship into the bay.

    1. Poindexter718

      Well, "Have you been to Boston lately? It's a full tilt hammer & tongs cockfight down there…"

    2. PristineODummy

      Isn't there where the shots were ringing and the guns were shooting and the bells were belling as Paul Revere told the British they would never get our guns?

      Also Total ZOMGage for the "unsoil your great white breeches" line.

    1. Beowoof

      I would think it stood for ASSHOLE so it can go forth with a double and completely accurate meaning.

    1. flamingpdog

      Pat knows a lot about baskets, so maybe he know something about going to Hell in a handbasket.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Isn't he busy trying to figure out what went wrong with "King" James and the Miami Heat?

  2. Barb

    I'm not going to watch this crap until they legalize marijuana and lots of it.
    Boston is a "cock fight?" Saucy language there for men in "breeches."
    I highly recommend the HBO mini series, "John Adams", instead of this prattle-for-the- dead stuff.

    1. Steverino247

      Especially the scene where Mr. Adams welcomes his wife to France in about 60 seconds.

    2. emmelemm

      Haven't seen it, but didn't the HBO miniseries have a lot of ribald colonial sex in it? That's what I heard, anyway.

      Remember, colonial New Englanders didn't use toothbrushes. Ewwww!

    3. Hagar7

      I'm afraid Poor Richard's Guyde to Fayle here is headed straight to ye olde DVD and then to ye olde remaynder binne at what's left of Blockbuster.

      1. flamingpdog

        Remind me not to buy any of those used teenager panties from those vending machines the next (first) time I'm in Japan.

      2. MissTaken

        Oh my goodness. I won't be able to take a bubble bath without falling over from laughter ever again.

      3. Doktor Zoom

        OK, so if they included THAT in the abstinence-only sex ed curriculum, it might work.

  3. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    If you look within this trailer for any hint of what the movie is about, you will win an ETERNAL PRIZE if you can figure it out.

    It's about how everybody is white like America should be.

        1. Fukui_sanYesOta

          Even teabaggers wouldn't want to live in teabagger heaven, they're just too dense to realize that.

      1. Negropolis

        Win. I'm going to have to remember "high speed fail" for the future, though, I'm more partial to slow motion fails, myself.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If the reality is that you're untalented and incompetent, an audience that studiously ignores reality is a godsend. There's money to be made in providing the teabaggers and fundies with bogus dreck like this — and no shortage of grifters happy to take their money.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    I hear it's a great movie — the colonists revolt against cap and trade and the Evil Queen's socialist exercise program, then they hang Benedict Arnold when he confesses to being a secret Muslim, then they stone the poor promiscuous lady like The Bible says they should, and sell the kid into indentured servitude and Simon Legree gets elected president and cuts taxes for everyone. Except the poor and middle class, who have disappointed The LORD by not becoming rich. The scene at the end where all the young ladies line up for virginity tests by the light of the book-burning is just so — so perfect.

    1. Barrelhse

      When they were handing out the Thompsons to every white person in the Original Thirteen Colonies I cried. Even though I was really really happy, I cried because it was just so moving to see .

  5. user-of-owls

    This is the perfect vehicle for Christine O'Donnell, so long as they reset it in Salem.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      She's not troubled by small details like that … she can just fly over state lines on her broom.

    2. trondant

      Figuratively, sure. Literally, the perfect vehicle for her is a short bus left in reverse and on cinderblocks.

  6. chascates

    Does this have Paul Revere banging on bells and shooting guns to say 'NO' to Big Government? Is there a lot of prayer and Injun killing?

      1. user-of-owls

        Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute John Bull quarters in a private house, he gets stronger.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Hey, man, you don't talk to General Cornwallis. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"… I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's… he's a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…

          1. user-of-owls

            I love the smell of succotash in the morning….it smells like…like lima beans.

          2. PristineODummy

            For a minute, I feared you were invoking Joseph Farrah of WND, with that sucker 'tache.

          3. CapeClod

            The bullshit piled up so fast in Massachusetts that you needed wings to stay above it.

      1. user-of-owls

        That, now that, is how a win is made. Behold the awesome power of Steverino and tremble.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Now, behold the power of this FULLY OPERATIONAL Warblog!

          (oops, wrong movie-nerd reference)

    1. poncho_pilot

      I watched a snail trailer crawl along the edge of a straight razor the internets. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor the internets…and surviving.

      1. user-of-owls

        Your mission is to proceed up the Charles River in a row boat. Pick up Thomas Gage's path at New Bedford, follow it and learn what you can along the way. When you find the His Honor, infiltrate his team by whatever means available and terminate the Sir Gage's command.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            If I say its safe to play at ninepins on this common, Captain, then its safe to play at ninepins on this common! I mean, I'm not afraid to play at ninepins here… I'll play ninepins all over the whole fucking place!

          2. user-of-owls

            What the hell do you know about ninepins, Major? You're from god damned New Jersey colony!

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Wheelwright: Cotton! I say, Cotton! What d'ye think?
        Cotton: It is most fair, most fair indeed!
        Wheelwright: What troubles you? Your eye is unsteady, your mein passing strange!
        Cotton: Aye. You know that last draught of laudanum I was saving? I quaffed it.
        Wheelwright: You quaffed laudanum?… Egad, that's a rum go!

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Our fifers play "Yankee Doodle." It frightens the very slops out of the Jonathans. My fellows love it!

      1. Doktor Zoom

        We train young men to fire upon Bostonians, but their commanders won't allow them to write "fartleberries" on their muskets because it's obscene!

        1. user-of-owls

          John Bull didn't get much USO. He was dug in to tea, or movin' his bowels. His idea of a great R&R was cold Stilton and a little claret. He had only two ways home: death or a wicked long boat ride..

    1. nounverb911

      Sorry I left you hanging there, I didn't feel my comment was up to my usual standard of tastelessness.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Now the Wonketteers will be wondering just what horrid thing you posted. And knowing them, I'm sure that they'll come up with things a thousand times worse.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          OMFG!!! I can't believe nounverb posted what I think (s)he posted. That is just awful … what a sick and perverted imagination you have!!!!

          Uhhh, wait a sec…

          1. Fukui_sanYesOta

            I think nounverb outdid Jack's trig-baiting post with that one. A truly sick mind.

            Not that I saw whatever teh fuck it was, but I bet it was the work of a twisted, twisted mind.

          2. MilwaukeeKent

            There's a lesson for posting: never delete. It's like the cover-up after a political transgression, it's always worse than the crime. Whatever you didn't say must be truly awful, a thousand times worse than whatever goofball thing you DID say, and then didn't. The mind reels.

        1. user-of-owls

          "He will have been begatting since the Colonial Era"

          You never go wrong with Future Perfect Progressive.

          It's a real man's tense, not like those sissy Pluperfects.

          1. flamingpdog

            Sorry for the old Playboy joke:
            A businessman is going to be flying into Boston on business and a friend tells him he has to try out the Boston Baked Scrod when he gets there. After arriving at the airport, the businessman hails and catches a cab. He asks the cabbie, "Do you know where I can get scrod in this town?". The cabbie slams on the brakes, turns around to the businessman and says, "You know, buddy, I've had thousands of guys ask me that question, but you're the first one ever to ask it in the plusperfect subjunctive!"

      2. SaintRond

        That comment was the most terrible, most outrageous, most powerful, absolutely crushing statement ever written in a comment section. Unbelievable. Unforgettable. Absolutely devastating. World shaking even. Remarkable, sir. Remarkable.

        1. user-of-owls

          Apparently, someone at LulzSec got a screen-cap. The offending comment?

          "What did Gabby Giffords say to her aide on the way to the Safeway event?
          'Geez, I need to talk to these people like I need a hole in the head.'"

          Hey, don't blame the messenger!

          1. SaintRond

            I didn't actually read it. I was just being an asshole and making people imagine they'd missed something amazing.

          2. user-of-owls

            Sarcasm, friend, sarcasm. Just gave me an opening to write something ghastly and pin it on someone else. I knew what you were doing, and gave you a fine fisting for it!

  7. HobbesEvilTwin

    Before we built a nation
    We built a city on the hill

    … and that city sank into the swamp,
    so we built another city on the hill.
    and that city sank into the swamp,
    so we built a third city on a hill,
    and that one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp.

    But the fourth one stayed up!

    1. user-of-owls

      Historical fantasy is a cruel mistress. Well, from the perspective of helpless tiny white thongs, that is.

      1. PristineODummy

        You might say, you could get them for a thong! Although with that price tag, maybe not so much.

    2. user-of-owls

      Evening Woody: "Thank you for bringing me to life. I assure you it won't go for naught."

  8. ganmerlad

    Sarah's father, I hope you got the price of a cow or at least hit the impregnator with a fat stick. Of course nothing was said when you dragged your daughter from her bed, threw her in the well where she cursed the house before she drowned, and for centuries since there has been the crying of an infant in the attic. I love factual stories.

  9. edgydrifter

    Was her maidenhead torn asunder beneath a tarpaulin shelter whilst under the spell of the demon rum cooler? Yea, verily that is the path to infamy and worldly treasure.

    1. PristineODummy

      Then it's MADE for Christine O'Donnell. I hear her Speshul Power is furry twat-marmosets.

  10. LetUsBray

    '“Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists; statesmen become agnostics or rakes.”'

    "Become?", ask Abigail Adams, Ben Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Well, to be fair, he didn't say anything about presenting the past accurately, either–just that he wouldn't be remaking it in Hollywood's terms. No doubt the theology of these colonists will look a lot more like modern fundamentalism than the First Great Awakening, and any Deists, if included at all, will be slavering degenerate atheists who want to ban school prayer, remove Nativity scenes from the town square, and maybe teach evolution a hundred years before Darwin.

  11. MMathS

    After that subtle shout-out to Reagan at the end, I had to open a new tab and do a Google search for "God."

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Ooh, I wonder if they're going to include any ritualistic humiliation of Quakers? The colonists loved them some religious oppression when they had the chance (though the real fun stuff–blinding Quaker ministers or parading naked female Quakers in the streets while flogging them–was more of a 17th century game). By the 18th century, Quakers were anti-slavery troublemakers, who wanted to cram their interference with free enterprise down everyone's throats.

  12. x111e7thst

    Do the sex scenes take place in Ye Olde Menne's Chamber of the Posting Inn?
    Are wide stances involved?

  13. bumfug

    You'd have to clamp me into the stocks with my eyelids glued open to get me to watch this shit.

    1. PristineODummy

      Now that I've watched it, I wish someone had done the same to me. I can't believe I actually watched the whole thing.

  14. donner_froh

    statesmen become agnostics or rakes

    Nice touch to use an 18th century term. This shit is so anachronistic he could have said horndogs–it would have made as much sense.

  15. Callyson

    Also, since the trailer is as gawdawful as you would expect, here's a little liberty with the script:
    "Sarah Pine, who was he? Who impregnated you?"
    "Oh, he could be any attractive man under 40 within the tri-state area. What else is there to do around here?"

  16. Mahousu

    I saw an early screening of this; it's pretty good. They force Levi Johns- – I mean, the British soldier – to agree to marry Sarah Plain and Tall. However, she changes her mind and kicks him out. But there's a happy ending – she joins a production of "Allemandes and Gavottes w/the Stars" and becomes rich and famous.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      The governor will not be there at the great white throne to unchin your chins, Bristol Pine.

    1. tessiee

      Until you said "awesome", I thought you were referring to the Demi Moore version of the Scarlet Letter.

  17. user-of-owls

    Bitch is gonna make millions touring the colonies and giving abstinence speeches.

      1. Negropolis

        And procure a posh, foreclosed townhome in a tiny burgh on the banks of the Gila and Salt rivers of New Spain.

  18. donner_froh

    Colony Bay was founded by James Patrick Riley and Jonathan Wilson, who started in Hollywood as an assistant in agency ICM's motion picture literary department. They met when Wilson was forming the Pasadena chapter of Tea Partiers and he recruited Riley, an experienced Patrick Henry impersonator, to perform at an event.

    A very soft gig, "impersonating" someone who has been dead for hundreds of years and who died before any kind of recording devices were invented.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess now we know what all those re-enactors at Colonial Williamsburg and up in Plymouth Plantation did during the off-season. Amateur theatre productions are so evocative!! Especially the untrained actors!

          1. user-of-owls

            Dag, yo. You mean I gotta carry the extra digit? Math is not my strong suit, so I guess I drink more and get to a round number. Pi is round, isn't it?

    1. flamingpdog

      True fact: In the mid-70s I was looking at some old handbills from the summer theater productions they have down in Colonial Billsburg, and one of the early 60s ones featured an actress named Goldie Hawn. Can you imagine Goldie doing colonial?

        1. user-of-owls

          I still can't figure out how she could have done a Reverse Cowgirl in a corset and powdered wig.

  20. iburl

    "the governor will not be there to unsoil your great white breeches.”

    Bad news for Senator David Vitter.

    1. Rotundo_

      It seems like I have heard a version of that somewhere before, I think it went, "you can't unshit that bed" or something like that.Then there was the punchline about light bulbs and pregnant women "you can't unscrew a pregnant woman". These guys really have some power writers in their bullpen.

      1. PristineODummy

        I was thinking fondly of "you can't unshit that bed" myself, but it seems like this trailer had plenty enough shit all over it already.

  21. qwerty42

    Is there gonna be a lot of warnin' and shootin' and bell-ringin'? 'cause that's pretty much the whole Revolution, isn't it? Well, that and the AK-47's and .50 sniper rifles.

  22. sportshort

    I turned the sound off and wrote my own Emmy (TM) winning script:

    White Guy 1: Any hot babes in this town?
    White Guy 2: Plenty! But you have to marry them first!
    White Guy 3: I shan't and be damned on them!

    Music Sting!

    White Girl: I am so…what is the word? Unmentionably excited.
    White Girl 2: I am with child.
    White Girl 3: Let us get torches and walk down the street at night.

    Music Sting!

    Unknown Person: Taxes are bad!
    Unknown Person: I fear the dark people!
    Unknown Person: There is someone's hand in my pocket stealing my hard earned silver!
    Unknown person: Why should my money be used because you are unlucky and have the scrofula?

    Music sting:

    Crowd: We came to America to get away from slavery…and to have it…and for religious freedom…and to deny it! We are schizophrenic!

    Music up and out.
    Fade to Black

    1. tessiee

      I didn't bother to watch the original, but I have a feeling that your version is a pretty accurate summary.
      Except, you know, not shitty.

    2. Negropolis

      We came to America to get away from slavery…and to have it

      Oh boy, is that good. The snark is strong with this one. You really can eat your cake, and then have it, too.

  23. DahBoner

    Well, basically Early Americans let their daughters fuck guys in their own house.

    It was called "bundling".

    Look it up Gunfire…

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Bundling was supposed to discourage fucking, though I'm sure no stats were kept on the actual success rate.

      1. NYNYNYjr

        Yeah, the guy was sewed up in a bag. It wasn't fucking. It's described in 'The Patriot' I think. Tho, sadly, no one has portrayed this graphically on screen, as we deserve.

  24. bflrtsplk

    If Hester Prynne ain't in it, I ain't watching.

    By the way, I have been having a devil of a time uploading an avatar, having finally found the perfect fit. Any suggestions?

    1. PristineODummy

      It sometimes takes a while for the avatar to show up. Try logging out and then logging in again, and see if that helps.

        1. PristineODummy

          Ah, that was great! My first ever job with computers, some silly ditz asked me why hers wasn't working. Senior Veep of bullshittery or something. I went in to take a look. Sure enough, the dozy cunt hadn't plugged the foocker in.

        1. PristineODummy

          I'm sure you're aware of the usability study that showed women have a tendency to blame themselves when software isn't doing what it's supposed to — men blame the software developer. :D

          It took me a while. If you're running Firefox, try updating to v.5. I remember that it took a while for IntenseDebate to figure out what I was trying to do when I uploaded ol' Socks here.

        2. Doktor Zoom

          Really dumb questions: Is the picture saved on your own computer. or are you trying to use something from the web? (it has to be uploaded from your computer, which is where it is since you said "uploading," but I'm just checking). What file format is said picture? Have you tried re-saving the picture with a different filename or in another format? (I assume it's a jpg…)

          What's the computer doing when the process fails?

  25. Gopherit

    "The one-hour drama is called Courage, New Hampshire, and it premiers Sunday at a movie theater in Monrovia, Calif. Co-hosting the red carpet activities are Saturday Night Live alumna Victoria Jackson "

    Now if she actually had a role, I would watch this for the amusement factor of hearing her speak colonial dialog…..but no fucking way otherwise.

    1. Mahousu

      She does have a role in the second episode – she provides the voice for the baby. Tentative title: "Lookest thou who talketh now."

    2. PristineODummy

      Even the actors therein ain't speaking no colonial dialogue, dood. Either that, or they all had different voice/accent coaches who disagree on what constitutes "colonial dialogue."

    3. Jukesgrrl

      Much more factual to refer to her as "Saturday Night Live alumna Victoria Jackson," rather than "star" or even "celebrity," since she is neither.

  26. ganmerlad

    "'Courage' has the pacing and feel of a soap opera, though its set in Colonial America. While its creators are making it as a TV show, there’s no distribution partner, so it’s going straight to DVD after the premiere." WND can't keep up with the pre-orders, though people are beginning to question how often they have to buy twaddle to keep the anti-democrat steam roller going. Damn libruls won't fucking die.

  27. Guppy06

    "Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists"

    Had Nathaniel Hawthorne even heard of Los Angeles?

    Oh, wait, Hester Prynne was a 17th century woman, guess she doesn't count.

  28. Redhead

    "Riley still does not have a distributor for his masterwork, "

    I hear that guy who produced the Ayn Rand bore is looking for a new project, since he followed his idol and quit halfway through his first one.

    1. user-of-owls

      This fellow here, over here with the yellow horsehair shirt, macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great. … Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to the Thirteen Colonies and the real world of the Virginia plantation.

  29. glamourdammerung

    The Invisible Hand hates "entertainment" aimed at mentally handicapped sociopaths.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      To be fair, that's really more of a neoconfederate canard, though of course there may be a fair degree of overlap among those groups.

  30. user-of-owls

    I saw them in Boston, in the 'Bat Zone back in the 70s and they kinda sucked. The opening band, Roger"Musket Fucker" Williams and the Groady Rhodies, was was way better.

    1. fuflans

      that's fantastic. only i'm not meeting any firewalls tonight? possibly the weejee majic has gone before me and opened doors.

    1. flamingpdog

      It would appear to be Nathan Kershaw, whomever he is. The person opposite him calls him Sargeant, and Kershaw plays Sargeant Bob Wheedle, who is the one who wheedled his way into Sarah's affections, allegedly.
      Why the hell did I go to all the trouble of looking this up? Is my life that empty? Time to fill it up with more beer.

    1. Mahousu

      That part at least is accurate. The height of beauty back then was not having had smallpox – or at least, not too bad a case of it.

    2. Radiotherapy®

      Surely, sire, or madam, their vocal inflections — haughty, smug and self-assured, predated any concept of germ theory or suffrage….oh, you meant they were butt ugly…my bad.

    3. flamingpdog

      That's what real white people looked like, before the French, Italians, Irish, and Eastern Europeans came over on the boat to make white people look pretty.

  31. Beowoof

    The founding fathers liked sex, who knew. Oh yeah anyone who has even the most remote clue about history. And anyone who has any remote clue about history would let them know the founding fathers were at best deist and didn't buy most of the bullshit the preachers were throwing around. Jesus didn't these dumb fucks ever watch the history channel before Pawn Stars.

    1. HistoriCat

      "didn't these dumb fucks ever watch the history channel before Pawn Stars."

      Only the Hitler shows.

      1. user-of-owls

        Next, on the History Channel:

        Secrets of Hitler's Underwear: Part 27.

        Followed by:

        Queer Eye Guys Reveal How to Grow a fabulous Hitler Mustache!

  32. PristineODummy

    ZOMG. That was truly terrible. I must watch several hours of soap opera to compensate.

  33. PristineODummy

    Hey, he could be speaking LOLcat, yaknow. Although maybe that would be "I duz not keer."

    Never mind.

  34. BarackMyWorld

    “Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists; statesmen become agnostics or rakes.”

    Wait…is he saying Hollywood got something 2/3 right?

    Because the idea of the founding fathers being big man-whores who never went to church does kind of have a mountain of supporting evidence.

  35. poorgradstudent

    Come on, we need to support this so they'll launch even more ambitious historical adaptations, like a film based on the untold story of how John Adams turned against the British because of King George's plan for socialized health care. It'll be worthy of Gore Vidal!

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Every time I observe trolls on the Internet railing about which behaviors are an abomination before the Lord, I wonder if that person eats pork products.

    1. user-of-owls

      Wow! What is marriage now equal to? X? Pi? 8 factorial?

      I really suck at algebra. No marriage for me. :(

    2. NYNYNYjr

      The governor will not be there at the great white throne to sign your gay breeches…oh, nevermind.

  36. user-of-owls

    Well, as this appears to be our stagnant weekend watering hole, how about a question to maybe get a threadita going: Fellini, in his grave, does what in this film and/or the current crop of Republican contenders? Spin? Laugh? Cry? Pause, and think, "Is this too much, even for me?"

    So, what do you think Dead Fellini does in the face of this, um, well the face of this?

      1. user-of-owls

        And "Dead Fellatio" would be a great name for the current crop of Republican presidential wannabes.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Bear on unicycle crosses back of scene, unnoticed by actors, and is never seen again.

      Sssaaaayyyyyy…when and where is the the next Republican debate? Stage Hands Union, don't go getttin' any ideas now…

      1. user-of-owls

        No, no, no. Hectoring a clown buying a Father's Day card for himself in the local Piggly Wiggly. And he's an albino midget. Amputee, too.

        But you definitely got the bees right. Spot on.

  37. Weenus299

    "Have you been to Boston lately? It's a full-tilt, hammer-and-tongs cockfight down there!"
    It's at around the :53 mark.
    This was the point at which the shit fell out of my body.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      This is the third hose fight I've had to break up today… and the second that actually involved hoses! –Leela

  38. MilwaukeeKent

    Seems like they've learned something from the Atlas Shrugged massive fail about sizing to market. This should go over very well in the home schools. I look forward to buying the entire series on the inevitable DVD when it turns up at Good Will or the Sally. Just the thing to watch while chugging "Two If By Tea" from the dollar store.

    Remainder the GOP!

  39. x111e7thst

    Does the New York marriage equality law mean that Repukes there will have to divorce the wife and give up the rest stop bathroom trysts? Because that might explain their opposition.

  40. JackObin

    I didn't realize colonial women had such white, straight teeth. More myths debunked by the great unwashed.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Saw that on Boingboing, and giggled anyway, particularly at this parenthetical comment: "Bachmann seems so unduly obsessed with Shariah law that, after listening to her frequent pronouncements on the subject, one begins to wonder if her crazed antipathy isn't born of professional jealousy."

    1. Limeylizzie

      I suspect this POS may be non-Union, so I will have to refuse. But thanks for the thought.

      1. HistoriCat

        Damn – I didn't even consider the Union aspect. Ah well, you would probably have to bleach your mouth after saying their ridiculous dialogue anyway.

  41. Chet Kincaid

    People who are actually alive today in New England have more authentic Colonial accents than these "actors." Is it too hard to just walk down a street in Boston with a tape recorder??

      1. user-of-owls

        The only time you're supposed to hear an "er" is when the word ends in "a."

        And this is why, children, in Massachusetts, the US space agency is pronounced as Nasser, father of the the Aswan Dam.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "Do you have anyone in with King George presently?"

        "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself."

  42. mourningnmerica

    Looks like more of a mess than Atlas Shrugged, a real steaming pile. But I still dig Susan Lucci.

  43. mourningnmerica

    Why didn't the producer of this simply take the cash and flush it down the toilet directly?

  44. weejee


    Ballot box stuffing Wisconsin Supremes Court Justice David Prosser allegedly tried to strangle fellow Supreme Ann Walsh Bradley. For most folks doing that in Wisconsin would get you slapped with Class H Felony charge. Obviously in this case the esteemed Kochalyte Prosser will be presented with medals by Rethug Gov Scott Walker and his Koch-sucking AG J.B. Van Hollen. The end (well not likely)

    1. glamourdammerung

      I can hardly wait to see some moron claim Prosser was yet another liberal plant that was trying to make conservatives look like depraved savages.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Look, he may have tried to strangle another justice, but it's not like he sent anyone a photo of his junk. Focus on the important stuff.

      EDIT: From the linked article: The Judicial Commission was created by the Supreme Court in 1971 to “discipline and correct judges who engage in conduct which has an adverse effect upon the judicial administration of justice and the confidence of the public and the judiciary and its process.” It investigates possible violations of the Code of Judicial Conduct, officially Chapter 60 of the Supreme Court Rules, with ultimate decisions on discipline being imposed by the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

      Guess what the next part of Wisconsin state government is about to have its budget zeroed out? To save future generations from wasteful spending, of course.

    3. donner_froh

      I didn't realize that Wisconsin was such a tough, thug-filled urban wilderness. If trying to strangle someone is a Class H felony, Classes A through G must involve mayhem and mass slaughter. Eight levels of badness before one gets to attempted strangulation is bad indeed.

    4. zhubajie

      Too bad they can't shoot each other privately in a duel. I'm sure gun-idolators would cheer!

      1. V572 [SSAN]

        Sometimes you just have to choke a coach. Or a bitch. Or a justice of the state supreme court. They're all the same, constantly saying, "No, you can't do that!

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Michael Jordan's Former Go-To-White-Guy and current Bulls President John Paxson choked Coach Vinny Del Negro season-before-last for over-using Joakim Noah when he had a bad foot. See what happens when the Urban rubs off on ya?!

      2. horsedreamer_1

        He's a proud alumnus of Washington High here in the MKE, & apparently still hangs out in the area. (Son of a friend of the family indicates he sees 'Trell on Water Street, in fancy cars with various saucy dames.) So, he could run for office.

    5. Chet Kincaid

      "In March, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported that, in a disagreement over a case last year, Prosser had called Abrahamson a "total bitch" and threatened to "destroy" her."

      Prosser refers to himself as "The Jurisdiction" and likes to brag to his court-mates about his "big subpoena." Ann Bradley goes by the moniker "Miss Demeanor." MTV expects "The Supremes" to be their next breakout hit.

    6. glamourdammerung

      Funny how those Breitards have not wagged their fingers at this or my link about yet another right wing terrorist. After all, we know how concerned no man is about political violence.

    7. Doktor Zoom

      See also this week's This American Life. If'n you didn't hear it on the radio, the website will have it available Sunday evening.

      Yes, I'm a liberal who listens to NPR. But instead of a Prius, I drive a 1973 Impala.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        My Dad had Impalas all through the '70s and early '80s. I love those old battleships. Seats 8 for those church youth group trips, and God can't see you touching Arlene's thigh through the vinyl roof!

  45. SaintRond

    Try as I might, I can't find a practical usage for that line about the king not coming "to unsoil your breeches," unless the screenwriter was attempting to make the Tea Bagger relate more to the first Americans by referencing their age related propensity to shit themselves.

    1. zhubajie

      I don't think people wore underpants in those days. Women had petticoats, men, I'm not sure.

      1. user-of-owls

        Yes, in Mumbai. Producing the Hindi-language version of The Jeffersons, starring the ever comical Narendra Hemsley, whose tag line "you are a most jive turkey" has become iconic among the viewing public.

    1. Rotundo_

      It sounds like this epic was set a ways past the original pilgrims feast. After the native occupants realized what a horrible mistake it was not to let them starve, or slaughter the lot of them except for the women and children. Y'know, when we started pushing them off their land and shooting them and dosing them up with smallpox and other diseases, killing off all the edible wildlife as efficiently as possible. White folk stuff y'know, when we started being amurkin, but before USA USA USA popped up.

  46. user-of-owls

    Cats are vastly superior to dogs. They have dignity and self-respect.

    Dogs are nothing more puerile lickspittles with smelly hair.

    1. V572 [SSAN]

      The innate superiority of cats is so obvious that it hardly need be stated here. Intelligent Design studies inform us that the Designer, having created first the house cat, scaled it up into various other forms (the bobcat, lynx, mountain lion, leopard, tiger, lion) all of which are aesthetically pleasing and lie around the house or the savanna all day until mealtime, when they're not scratching furniture or baobob trees, or whatever's around.

      Scale up canidae domesti and what do you get? Foxes, jackals, wolves, coyotes and other carrion-eating, pack-hunting vermin.

      Cats > dogs.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Nice article in the March 2011 National Geographic about the evolutionary changes in animals that have been domesticated; somewhere in there, it notes that kittehs are the only species that appears to have domesticated itself–wild cats found it was advantageous to hang around human settlements since the rodent-hunting was easy, and they've gradually become more tolerant of us, especially since they haven't evolved thumbs to open cans of tuna.


    1. El Pinche

      To teabaggers "3 slain officers" = smaller govt.

      This freedom patriot is better off dead if he's going to spend anytime in a correctional facility. The staff beat his ass on a daily basis.

  47. zhubajie

    So was Benj. Franklin the father? He did have 20 children, 10 with his wife (to whom he wasn't actually married anyway).

    1. user-of-owls

      Benny the Casanova was the indisputable all-star of the Founders cast.

      True Story: the wee town in Mass. where owls was hatched was in fact named after him (no, not Benjiville, just Franklin). Not too long after the town was founded, the locals asked Ben for a bell, to commemorate him. Instead, he sent them cases upon cases of books and told them to build a library. (I actually was allowed to read on of them as a kid!) It was the fucking first public library in the country!

      Now if that isn't the most wicked pissah thing to do, I don't know what is.

    1. HistoriCat

      The only reason humans don't lick their assholes is their body shapes preclude it except for the exceptionally limber.

  48. donner_froh

    Very strange that the "freedom loving" producers decided not to cast the most patriotic movie actor in Hollywood, Daniel Baldwin, in a key role. Perhaps they aren't as committed to the right side of the culture wars as they claim.

    1. Barrelhse

      Ted Nugent soundtrack would have been a nice touch as well.
      But they did cast one of Bris Palins brats as the baby, and Chuck Norris was quite convincing as the mom.

  49. Noman

    Internal combustion?

    Isn't that one of the things that makes libunatics' heads explode (along with personal responsibility)?

    Libunatic whores take money from whomever they can.

    1. di_da_is_alpha

      Yeah, but you know they just LOVE Exxon. Hell, if they didn't have the chance to wipe sweet light crude off of gulls and sea otters none of these losers would have an excuse to get out of the basement.

    2. bflrtsplk

      Funny, on my Wonkette page, I see several ads, but none for Heritage Foundation or Exxon Mobil, though I am north of the 49th parallel.

  50. Noman

    I wonder when advertisers will realize that because of their internet savvy (of which they gloat), so many Wankette users have ad-blocking software that those ad dollars are completely wasted and would be better spent elsewhere?

  51. SexySmurf

    I guess your anti- free speech jihad didn't work. In fact, it looks like Wonkette now has more advertisers than it did.

    Oh, and the Heritage Foundation is one of them. You might want to send them a whiny e-mail letting them know what big meanies we are.

    1. di_da_is_alpha

      /// "In fact, it looks like Wonkette now has more advertisers than it did." ///

      Really? Got some proof of that? All I'm seeing are Exxon, Zales, and Motorola. I think I will say something to Zales and Motorola, but you can have Exxon. I don't buy their products (as far as I know, petroleum is present in about all our products, you know) and seeing their ads here is just so deliciously ironic.

      And I'm not against free speech, I'm just for people taking responsibility for their actions, including what the say or write.

      1. glamourdammerung

        And I'm not against free speech, I'm just for people taking responsibility for their actions, including what the say or write.

        I am glad that you support bans for you and your troll pals. Though I think you might have mistaken thought you were posting as Neilist.

        1. user-of-owls

          She messed around in Provincetown,
          and Franklin showed her how to kick the gong around;

          Ho-de-Ho-de-Ho-de-Ho; indeed!

  52. user-of-owls

    Ok, here's a genuine 'what the fucking fuck?' moment for you:

    U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama and her family made a quick stop at a small restaurant in a village in Botswana Saturday to sample some of the local fare. On the menu: french fires and deep-fried fat cakes.

    Deep fried fat cakes?! Once this goes viral on the county fair circuit, the USofA will simply sink below sea level and disappear.

      1. user-of-owls

        Sure, I get that the 'skins dig their version of Lángos. But Sister Michelle was eating fucking fried fat!

        How the fuck do you even do that?? I mean it's like draining all your own blood out, boiling it in a caldron, and then jumping in, isn't it?


        1. Chet Kincaid

          OK, I am really bored with the work I brought home, so just for you Owls, here is the recipe for Magwinya, Botswanian Fried Fat Cakes:

          Magwinya (makes 36 small magwinya)

          4*250 ml (4 cups) Bokomo White Bread Flour (480g)
          10 ml (1 tsp) salt
          10 ml (2 tsp) Pure Sugar
          15 ml (1 tsp) instant dry yeast (10g)
          30 ml (2 tsp) cooking oil
          10 ml (2 tsp) vinegar
          2*250 ml (2 Cups) lukewarm water
          Cooking oil for deep fat frying

          1-Mix the flour,salt and sugar together.Add instant yeast and mix
          2-In a separate bowl, mix together the oil, vinegar and the lukewarm water
          3-Make a well in the center of the flour mixture and pour in the liquids mixture.Mix well to form a stiff butter. [I think they mean "batter" in Amurrican.] If the butter is too stiff add more lukewarm water
          4-Cover the bowl and allow the butter to rise in a a warm place for 15 – 30 minutes or until it has doubled in size
          5-In the mean time heat enogh oil for deep fat frying.Test the heat by dropping a little butter in the hot oil – It should brown in a minute
          6-Drop spoonfuls of the batter into the hot oil. Fry 2 – 3 minutes on each side until golden brown. Drain on absorbent paper

          HINTS: Do not drop too much butter in the oil at once as the oil will cool and the butter will fry too slowly and becomes soggy with oil

          Mm, donut holes!

          I think Food Network and Discovery should team up for a new show called "Deadliest Recipes". First episode: Battle Fry-Bread vs. Fried Fat Cakes! Will 600 pounds of Texas man and a plump Scotch girl survive?!

          1. Jukesgrrl

            I know a couple of neighborhood festivals around Pittsburgh where that would be a big hit.

          2. V572 [SSAN]

            What's that restaurant in downtown P'burgh's Quainttown area where they serve French fries right in the sandwich, on a sheet of waxed paper laid down over the linoleum tabletop? Mmmm…cholesterol: good and deadly!

          3. imissopus

            Primanti Brothers? I don't know what Quaintown is but when I was a student at Pitt around '92-'93, there was one about a block from my dorm in the Oakland neighborhood. I used to get full just walking by and looking in the window.

          4. V572 [SSAN]

            Quainttowns of the US:Chicago: Wells St, Near North SideDenver: Larimer SquareSt Louis: Laclede's LandingWashington: GeorgetownSeattle: Pike Place Market

          5. imissopus

            Ah, okay. You must be thinking of the original Primantis' location, which is in the Strip district downtown (or dontawn, in Pittsburgh-ese). That area could be considered a quainttown.

          6. Jukesgrrl

            Primanti Brothers. Ummmm. Death on a plate — but a happy death. Multiple locations. The ones you see on TV most often are in the Strip District (open 24 hours) and the South Side, close to the bar scene. I saw the Primanti Strip location on the Travel Channel just this weekend. What amused me is more than half the patrons were wearing Pittsburgh sports team regalia. Hats, shirts, jackets, hockey jerseys. Pittsburghers — gotta love 'em. about ten years ago I was in a sidewalk cafe in Berlin and a guy walked by wearing Steeler sweatpants, a Penguins hockey jersey, and a Pirates baseball cap. Of course my friend and I stopped him and he was, indeed, from Pittsburgh. I asked him if he had any other clothes and he just laughed.—

          7. V572 [SSAN]

            Where's the promised "fat" in these fatcakes? Just frying in fat is no big deal in US America — we'd eat river gravel if it were breaded and deep-fat-fried.

            They do sound mighty tasty, actually.

    1. Negropolis

      On the menu: french fires and deep-fried fat cakes.

      The itinerary needs to be checked, again. Are we sure that they didn't visit the American South, 'cause that sounds like the menu at a Waffle House. 'Bama can sound a little like Bostwana to the untrained ear.

      1. HistoriCat

        Sure the menu sounds the same but if there were no fist-fights then I'm pretty sure it wasn't a Waffle House in the South.

  53. Warpde

    I love history.
    Especially when you learn something new.
    Like how the real patriots had shed their British accent and adopted the new American one.
    And in such a short time.
    I feel so edjumicated now.

  54. AJWjr.

    After watching Face the Nation this morning, it appears that Miche1e Bachma2n does not wish to be President of the gheys.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, she's a smart woman, then, 'cause she knows she'd lose in a Goldwater-esque landslide to Lady Gaga, the fabulous incumbent President of the Gheys.

  55. Ken Cuccinelli

    I'm betting a gas station near wherever our troll friend is is completely out of Mountain Dew Amp'd and soon, the squad will be called for a full arrest. In there, they'll find a keyboard with the keys "Control", "C" and "V" completely worn away.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Wow, it seems that Downfister & Co. REALLY hate you. You were down 3 when I got here. I don't suppose it's the rainbow flag …

  56. Negropolis

    "Confusing" is probably the kindest way to describe the varying (and changing mid-character) accents.

  57. Barrelhse

    Sunday's suck around here. I'm so bored I guess I'll have to actually watch the thing.

    edit: NOW I'm sorry.

    1. flamingpdog

      A Facebook friend of mine was looking for something to watch tonight and I suggested this trailer. I think I lost a friend tonight.

    2. Negropolis

      It's always been my thought that the least Wonkette could do on Friday's is give us free reign on the weekends by offering us an open thread, if they aren't going to make one of their contributors at least post one weekend item.

        1. T-Maw

          Good point.

          Hey, as long as were complaining about stuff on the long, long, weekend thread, why doesn't anyone do the 'Morning in America' post anymore? It didn't belong exclusively to Riley because Steuf did it, too. I want 'Morning in America' is what I'm saying.

          1. HistoriCat

            Apparently none of those lazy Wonkette Jr. writers are capable of putting words together so early in the morning. It's just all incoherent rambling and complaints about the noise during the hangover.

  58. SaintRond

    Tea Baggers and sex. Yeah, right. I haven't seen a Tea Bagger women yet who wasn't so dried up she could make tears let alone provide entry for a cock. And the men look like they ejaculate ashes. It's like watching a fucking zombie movie taking place in the 17th century. And they make as much sense when they open their mouths and talk too. Jesus Christ.

    1. Negropolis

      Honestly, the first thing that came to mind upon seeing the beginning of the trailer was M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, which had the most disappointing twist, climax, whatever the hell you want to call it, ever. It's one of the few movies I've ever where I very seriously considered walking out. But, I digress…Wait, what were we talking about, again? lol

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