Screw MTV: Tea Party Makes Own Show About Unwed Colonial Mothers

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

the original Teen MomUh, hurray! Coming soon to an Internet-capable computer near you is the world’s first Tea Party teevee series, not about Michele Bachmann’s trademark “demon eyes” makeup secrets like you might think, but an ultra-bizarre historical drama about an unmarried colonial teen mom named Sarah Palin Pine and how everyone in town must hunt down the man who impregnated her and force the pair to get married. Here is the creator, wealthy Hollywood wingnut James Patrick Riley, on why he made the show: “Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists; statesmen become agnostics or rakes.” Which, awesome, since it will be one of those nice God-fearin’ and woman-beatin’ shows everyone has been waiting for to remind America of why it is great. AMAZING TRAILER after the jump:

Here is the trailer. We could not tell what it was about from this, so we had to look at the IMDB page. The trailer is more of a postmodern pastiche of confusing accents, sobbing ladies, out-of-focus walking shots of angry men in bad wigs, and magnificent lines such as, “the governor will not be there to unsoil your great white breeches.” AUTOMATIC WRITING EMMY.

Riley still does not have a distributor for his masterwork, so you are stuck with this single episode until Glenn Beck signs on as executive producer. [Hollywood Reporter]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 479 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] June 24, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I was waiting for the big Monty Python foot to stomp the ship into the bay.

trampndirtdown June 24, 2011 at 10:07 pm

The Dennis Moore skit had better production.

Angry_Marmot June 24, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Hand over your lupins!

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 11:02 pm

♬♪♬♪ Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, he's not in this bit. ♬♪♬♪

WABishop June 24, 2011 at 11:46 pm

He steals from the poor and gives to the rich….

genxr June 25, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I'm impressed they got Terry Gilliam to sign on for the special effects.

nounverb911 June 24, 2011 at 5:50 pm

It's New Hampshire! The cradle of Michele Bachmannn's democracy.

Poindexter718 June 24, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Well, "Have you been to Boston lately? It's a full tilt hammer & tongs cockfight down there…"

genxr June 25, 2011 at 4:39 pm

…but enough about the airport mens room.

starfanglednut June 27, 2011 at 8:39 am

Or the traffic.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Isn't there where the shots were ringing and the guns were shooting and the bells were belling as Paul Revere told the British they would never get our guns?

Also Total ZOMGage for the "unsoil your great white breeches" line.

nounverb911 June 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Where's Sarah's "A" for adulteress?

Beowoof June 24, 2011 at 8:05 pm

I would think it stood for ASSHOLE so it can go forth with a double and completely accurate meaning.

KeepFnThatChicken June 25, 2011 at 1:27 pm

She just gets a T

jaytingle June 25, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Actually, it stands for "acting" so she doesn't get one.

GhostBuggy June 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

This seems like an odd thing for Pat Riley to get involved in.

LesPaultard June 24, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Well, he is retired now, so….

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Pat knows a lot about baskets, so maybe he know something about going to Hell in a handbasket.

Tundra Grifter June 25, 2011 at 9:03 am

Isn't he busy trying to figure out what went wrong with "King" James and the Miami Heat?

Barb June 24, 2011 at 5:53 pm

I'm not going to watch this crap until they legalize marijuana and lots of it.
Boston is a "cock fight?" Saucy language there for men in "breeches."
I highly recommend the HBO mini series, "John Adams", instead of this prattle-for-the- dead stuff.

Steverino247 June 24, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Especially the scene where Mr. Adams welcomes his wife to France in about 60 seconds.

Barb June 24, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Lol, Steve. I have it on DVD and may have to watch that scene again.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I've been "welcomed" that way before. Usually takes a little longer though.

emmelemm June 24, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Haven't seen it, but didn't the HBO miniseries have a lot of ribald colonial sex in it? That's what I heard, anyway.

Remember, colonial New Englanders didn't use toothbrushes. Ewwww!

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 24, 2011 at 9:59 pm

As the raunchy lyrics to Yankee Doodle go,

Hey-ho for our Cape Cod,
Hey-ho, Nantasket,
Do not let those Boston Wags
Feel thy Oyster Basket

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 10:17 pm

And I thought we had cornered the market on oysters in the Rocky Mountain West.

CapeClod June 25, 2011 at 9:44 am

Needs more gun shooting and bell ringing.

Hagar7 June 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

I'm afraid Poor Richard's Guyde to Fayle here is headed straight to ye olde DVD and then to ye olde remaynder binne at what's left of Blockbuster.

memzilla June 24, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Ye Olde Colonial Trigge? The Scarlet Letter plagiarism FAIL.

fuflans June 24, 2011 at 6:25 pm

yeah, what the fuck?

oh wait i know: nathaniel hawthorne requires an education.

Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 6:36 pm

T

tessiee June 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm

"FAIL"

Which is Colonial-ese for Sail.

MissTaken June 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Needz moar Salem Witch Trials – with Christine O'Donnell of course.

Rarian Rakista June 24, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I bet her powers are Vagina Bubbles From Hell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxwriDF4DOs

Beowoof June 24, 2011 at 8:08 pm

That is one nasty creampie.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:36 pm

That deserves more upfisties than I can possibly manage.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Remind me not to buy any of those used teenager panties from those vending machines the next (first) time I'm in Japan.

MissTaken June 24, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Oh my goodness. I won't be able to take a bubble bath without falling over from laughter ever again.

DemmeFatale June 25, 2011 at 4:11 pm

OMG!
I love the straight-faced guy at the end. He's like: whatever.

Dashboard_Jesus June 26, 2011 at 12:58 am

now THAT is so many kinds of awesome!

Doktor Zoom June 26, 2011 at 5:13 pm

OK, so if they included THAT in the abstinence-only sex ed curriculum, it might work.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop June 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

If you look within this trailer for any hint of what the movie is about, you will win an ETERNAL PRIZE if you can figure it out.

It's about how everybody is white like America should be.

HobbesEvilTwin June 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

…. and womenz knows theyre place!

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 7:39 pm

and superstition is prized.

Chet Kincaid June 24, 2011 at 8:29 pm

EXCEPT FOR THE BLACKGUARDS!!

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:37 pm

The blackguards are probably just whites in BLACKGUARDFACE!!

Jukesgrrl June 24, 2011 at 10:25 pm

And fleshly parts are not exposed.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop June 24, 2011 at 11:13 pm

That's not a world I want to live in.

Fukui_sanYesOta June 25, 2011 at 2:44 am

Even teabaggers wouldn't want to live in teabagger heaven, they're just too dense to realize that.

SarahsBush June 24, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Looks almost as good as Atlas Shrugged!

nounverb911 June 24, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Was this filmed in Galt's Gulch?

memzilla June 24, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Both are examples of high speed fail.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 12:26 am

Win. I'm going to have to remember "high speed fail" for the future, though, I'm more partial to slow motion fails, myself.

WABishop June 24, 2011 at 11:46 pm

I smell a tie at next year's Oscars!

x111e7thst June 24, 2011 at 5:57 pm

So that big scarlet A stands for Asshole. Who knew?

Chillwaver June 24, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Seriously, what the fuck is this? Hasn't Hallmark/Lifetime made this shit already?

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Yes, but with more cow shit bells.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 25, 2011 at 1:17 pm

If the reality is that you're untalented and incompetent, an audience that studiously ignores reality is a godsend. There's money to be made in providing the teabaggers and fundies with bogus dreck like this — and no shortage of grifters happy to take their money.

SayItWithWookies June 24, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I hear it's a great movie — the colonists revolt against cap and trade and the Evil Queen's socialist exercise program, then they hang Benedict Arnold when he confesses to being a secret Muslim, then they stone the poor promiscuous lady like The Bible says they should, and sell the kid into indentured servitude and Simon Legree gets elected president and cuts taxes for everyone. Except the poor and middle class, who have disappointed The LORD by not becoming rich. The scene at the end where all the young ladies line up for virginity tests by the light of the book-burning is just so — so perfect.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Needs more of Ye Olde Koche Bros. Esq..

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Preferably NOT clad in soiled white breeches.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 7:36 pm

When they were handing out the Thompsons to every white person in the Original Thirteen Colonies I cried. Even though I was really really happy, I cried because it was just so moving to see .

WABishop June 24, 2011 at 11:44 pm

It's who we are! It's about *us*!

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 24, 2011 at 10:09 pm

What about the part where they quit just in time to go salmon fishing?

ifthethunderdontgetya June 24, 2011 at 6:04 pm

wealthy Hollywood wingnut James Patrick Riley

Riley Waggaman's dad, people.

Show some respect.
~

Jukesgrrl June 24, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

starfanglednut June 27, 2011 at 8:50 am

Luke, I am your father.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 6:05 pm

This is the perfect vehicle for Christine O'Donnell, so long as they reset it in Salem.

Jukesgrrl June 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

She's not troubled by small details like that … she can just fly over state lines on her broom.

trondant June 26, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Figuratively, sure. Literally, the perfect vehicle for her is a short bus left in reverse and on cinderblocks.

chascates June 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Does this have Paul Revere banging on bells and shooting guns to say 'NO' to Big Government? Is there a lot of prayer and Injun killing?

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Apocalypse Then.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 6:37 pm

The whorer….the whorer….

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute John Bull quarters in a private house, he gets stronger.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Hey, man, you don't talk to General Cornwallis. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll… uh… well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"… I mean I'm… no, I can't… I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's… he's a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 7:03 pm

I love the smell of succotash in the morning….it smells like…like lima beans.

Steverino247 June 24, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Never get off the fucking Mayflower. Absolutely goddamn right.

genxr June 24, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Awarding this movie a Razzie is like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm

That, now that, is how a win is made. Behold the awesome power of Steverino and tremble.

Doktor Zoom June 26, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Now, behold the power of this FULLY OPERATIONAL Warblog!

(oops, wrong movie-nerd reference)

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 12:54 am

A Star Wars movie-nerd reference is never wrong. Never

poncho_pilot June 24, 2011 at 7:38 pm

I watched a snail trailer crawl along the edge of a straight razor the internets. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor the internets…and surviving.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Your mission is to proceed up the Charles River in a row boat. Pick up Thomas Gage's path at New Bedford, follow it and learn what you can along the way. When you find the His Honor, infiltrate his team by whatever means available and terminate the Sir Gage's command.

poncho_pilot June 25, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Boston. i can't believe i'm still in Boston.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Fuck it. I'm gonna get me some cranberries.

FlownOver June 24, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Limey don't surf!

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 8:48 pm

The crew were mostly just kids. Fifers with one foot in their graves.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Wheelwright: Cotton! I say, Cotton! What d'ye think?
Cotton: It is most fair, most fair indeed!
Wheelwright: What troubles you? Your eye is unsteady, your mein passing strange!
Cotton: Aye. You know that last draught of laudanum I was saving? I quaffed it.
Wheelwright: You quaffed laudanum?… Egad, that's a rum go!

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Outstanding, Redcoat Team, outstanding! Getcha a barrel of mead for that one.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Our fifers play "Yankee Doodle." It frightens the very slops out of the Jonathans. My fellows love it!

Angry_Marmot June 24, 2011 at 11:05 pm

You're not a governor; you're an errand boy.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 11:50 pm

We train young men to fire upon Bostonians, but their commanders won't allow them to write "fartleberries" on their muskets because it's obscene!

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 12:53 am

John Bull didn't get much USO. He was dug in to tea, or movin' his bowels. His idea of a great R&R was cold Stilton and a little claret. He had only two ways home: death or a wicked long boat ride..

not that Dewey June 25, 2011 at 12:51 am

I love the smell of historical revisionism in the morning.

not that Dewey June 25, 2011 at 12:53 am

-Colonel Cuts (all of the accurate scenes out of the film)

Geminisunmars June 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Silly – that's not where babies come from.

nounverb911 June 24, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Sorry I left you hanging there, I didn't feel my comment was up to my usual standard of tastelessness.

Geminisunmars June 24, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Now the Wonketteers will be wondering just what horrid thing you posted. And knowing them, I'm sure that they'll come up with things a thousand times worse.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 25, 2011 at 2:23 am

OMFG!!! I can't believe nounverb posted what I think (s)he posted. That is just awful … what a sick and perverted imagination you have!!!!

Uhhh, wait a sec…

Fukui_sanYesOta June 25, 2011 at 2:42 am

I think nounverb outdid Jack's trig-baiting post with that one. A truly sick mind.

Not that I saw whatever teh fuck it was, but I bet it was the work of a twisted, twisted mind.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 9:57 am

Too Soon!

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 12:19 am

I saw nounverb dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight…with Sarah Goode. Also.

NYNYNYjr June 24, 2011 at 10:04 pm

The governor will not be there at the great white throne to unsoil your comments.

Geminisunmars June 25, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Have you seen what you begat? begot?

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 2:05 pm

"He will have been begatting since the Colonial Era"

You never go wrong with Future Perfect Progressive.

It's a real man's tense, not like those sissy Pluperfects.

flamingpdog June 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Sorry for the old Playboy joke:
A businessman is going to be flying into Boston on business and a friend tells him he has to try out the Boston Baked Scrod when he gets there. After arriving at the airport, the businessman hails and catches a cab. He asks the cabbie, "Do you know where I can get scrod in this town?". The cabbie slams on the brakes, turns around to the businessman and says, "You know, buddy, I've had thousands of guys ask me that question, but you're the first one ever to ask it in the plusperfect subjunctive!"

SaintRond June 25, 2011 at 5:02 pm

That comment was the most terrible, most outrageous, most powerful, absolutely crushing statement ever written in a comment section. Unbelievable. Unforgettable. Absolutely devastating. World shaking even. Remarkable, sir. Remarkable.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Apparently, someone at LulzSec got a screen-cap. The offending comment?

"What did Gabby Giffords say to her aide on the way to the Safeway event?
'Geez, I need to talk to these people like I need a hole in the head.'"

Hey, don't blame the messenger!

SaintRond June 25, 2011 at 10:17 pm

I didn't actually read it. I was just being an asshole and making people imagine they'd missed something amazing.

Crank_Tango June 24, 2011 at 6:07 pm

I does not care.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I does not care, bare.
(Ms. pdog: "Put yer pantz back on pdog, fer Dawg's sake!")

HobbesEvilTwin June 24, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Before we built a nation
…..
We built a city on the hill

… and that city sank into the swamp,
so we built another city on the hill.
and that city sank into the swamp,
so we built a third city on a hill,
and that one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp.

But the fourth one stayed up!

genxr June 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

The lady Sarah has huge tracts of land!

GunToting[Redacted] June 24, 2011 at 6:13 pm

We built this city on Snark and Roll!

arihaya June 25, 2011 at 11:41 pm

John Cleese will hack everyone in the wedding party to death in the movie ?

Limeylizzie June 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I have soiled my tiny white thong just thinking about this.

Geminisunmars June 24, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Well, you can bet the Guvnor ain't gonna unsoil it for you.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Historical fantasy is a cruel mistress. Well, from the perspective of helpless tiny white thongs, that is.

DahBoner June 24, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Thong?

I'm thinking they only had corsets or scratchy long johns then…

Steverino247 June 24, 2011 at 7:00 pm

And they're now available for only $49.95 at http://www.LimeyLizzieThongs.com.

Limeylizzie June 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Verily.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:43 pm

You might say, you could get them for a thong! Although with that price tag, maybe not so much.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Thing a thong of thixpenths …

Limeylizzie June 24, 2011 at 7:28 pm

The Thong of Bernadette.

weejee June 24, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Thong Ago and Far Away

WABishop June 24, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Thong of Tholomon

NYNYNYjr June 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm

It will get a bit…bloody.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 1:31 am

Evening Woody: "Thank you for bringing me to life. I assure you it won't go for naught."

PubOption June 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

That avatar looks like Violet Carson. I can't imagine Ena Sharples wearing a thong!

ganmerlad June 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Sarah's father, I hope you got the price of a cow or at least hit the impregnator with a fat stick. Of course nothing was said when you dragged your daughter from her bed, threw her in the well where she cursed the house before she drowned, and for centuries since there has been the crying of an infant in the attic. I love factual stories.

edgydrifter June 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Was her maidenhead torn asunder beneath a tarpaulin shelter whilst under the spell of the demon rum cooler? Yea, verily that is the path to infamy and worldly treasure.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I think fhe was in the backfeat of a Forde.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 10:35 pm

What's a Sorde?

HistoriCat June 24, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Upfift for the ufe of ye olde … uh, letter between "r" and "t".

WABishop June 25, 2011 at 5:41 am

Ef?

zhubajie June 25, 2011 at 8:04 pm

What about hot rum?

Barrelhse June 26, 2011 at 7:21 pm

"Todd-ies"?

BloviateMe June 24, 2011 at 6:10 pm

This was set long before getting a Brazilian was vogue…nooooooooooo spank you.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Then it's MADE for Christine O'Donnell. I hear her Speshul Power is furry twat-marmosets.

LetUsBray June 24, 2011 at 6:10 pm

'“Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists; statesmen become agnostics or rakes.”'

"Become?", ask Abigail Adams, Ben Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Well, to be fair, he didn't say anything about presenting the past accurately, either–just that he wouldn't be remaking it in Hollywood's terms. No doubt the theology of these colonists will look a lot more like modern fundamentalism than the First Great Awakening, and any Deists, if included at all, will be slavering degenerate atheists who want to ban school prayer, remove Nativity scenes from the town square, and maybe teach evolution a hundred years before Darwin.

MMathS June 24, 2011 at 6:10 pm

After that subtle shout-out to Reagan at the end, I had to open a new tab and do a Google search for "God."

MissTaken June 24, 2011 at 6:14 pm

How's the weather in Mississippi these days?

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Before or after the search for "ghey pr0n"?

jaytingle June 25, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Sister!

OC_Surf_Serf June 24, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Quaker? No, I asked for a moaner.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Ooh, I wonder if they're going to include any ritualistic humiliation of Quakers? The colonists loved them some religious oppression when they had the chance (though the real fun stuff–blinding Quaker ministers or parading naked female Quakers in the streets while flogging them–was more of a 17th century game). By the 18th century, Quakers were anti-slavery troublemakers, who wanted to cram their interference with free enterprise down everyone's throats.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Is that Hortense?

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 10:37 pm

No, she downed some rum coolers, so she's not so tense any more.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:04 am

Quaker? (Hell to the) Nay! I hardly knew yon maiden.

x111e7thst June 24, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Do the sex scenes take place in Ye Olde Menne's Chamber of the Posting Inn?
Are wide stances involved?

johnnymeatworth June 24, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Wow, Robot Chicken just keeps getting weirder and weirder….

DahBoner June 24, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Domo arigato Mr. ROBOT CHICKEN….

genxr June 24, 2011 at 7:09 pm

At least it's not another fucking star wars episode.

bumfug June 24, 2011 at 6:13 pm

You'd have to clamp me into the stocks with my eyelids glued open to get me to watch this shit.

Steverino247 June 24, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Ye olde Ludoviko Technique.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Now that I've watched it, I wish someone had done the same to me. I can't believe I actually watched the whole thing.

FlyOverGirl June 25, 2011 at 11:54 am

Some people pay for that.

HempDogbane June 24, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Unwed Colonial Mothers are opening for Communist Daughter tonight at 7th St. Entry.

Edit: In which they play "Not the Kid". http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2010

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Those guys fucking rock! I saw them last year with Stocks and Trade. Awesome!

donner_froh June 24, 2011 at 6:17 pm

statesmen become agnostics or rakes

Nice touch to use an 18th century term. This shit is so anachronistic he could have said horndogs–it would have made as much sense.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 12:08 am

What did rakes do before hoes were invented?

poncho_pilot June 25, 2011 at 7:52 pm

i'm going to leave that joke over in this pile here.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:09 am

You two have won both the past and future.

Callyson June 24, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Also, since the trailer is as gawdawful as you would expect, here's a little liberty with the script:
"Sarah Pine, who was he? Who impregnated you?"
"Oh, he could be any attractive man under 40 within the tri-state area. What else is there to do around here?"

Mahousu June 24, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I saw an early screening of this; it's pretty good. They force Levi Johns- – I mean, the British soldier – to agree to marry Sarah Plain and Tall. However, she changes her mind and kicks him out. But there's a happy ending – she joins a production of "Allemandes and Gavottes w/the Stars" and becomes rich and famous.

NYNYNYjr June 24, 2011 at 10:09 pm

The governor will not be there at the great white throne to unchin your chins, Bristol Pine.

Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Wait, they already made this movie. And it's awesome.

poncho_pilot June 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm

gobble, gobble, motherfucker.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 7:23 pm

She said asshole.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 12:11 am

Until you said "awesome", I thought you were referring to the Demi Moore version of the Scarlet Letter.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Bitch is gonna make millions touring the colonies and giving abstinence speeches.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 12:11 am

In a coach of brightly coloured hue.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:11 am

And procure a posh, foreclosed townhome in a tiny burgh on the banks of the Gila and Salt rivers of New Spain.

donner_froh June 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Colony Bay was founded by James Patrick Riley and Jonathan Wilson, who started in Hollywood as an assistant in agency ICM's motion picture literary department. They met when Wilson was forming the Pasadena chapter of Tea Partiers and he recruited Riley, an experienced Patrick Henry impersonator, to perform at an event.

A very soft gig, "impersonating" someone who has been dead for hundreds of years and who died before any kind of recording devices were invented.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Fucking mimes.

BaldarTFlagass June 24, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I guess now we know what all those re-enactors at Colonial Williamsburg and up in Plymouth Plantation did during the off-season. Amateur theatre productions are so evocative!! Especially the untrained actors!

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 6:52 pm

There's gonna be some hard-core candle-making, of that you can be sure.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Must be drunk. Seeing double.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm

I see everything twice!

poncho_pilot June 25, 2011 at 7:50 pm

(holds up two fingers) how many fingers am i holding up?

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 10:55 pm

True fact: In the mid-70s I was looking at some old handbills from the summer theater productions they have down in Colonial Billsburg, and one of the early 60s ones featured an actress named Goldie Hawn. Can you imagine Goldie doing colonial?

Chet Kincaid June 25, 2011 at 12:04 pm

"Goldie Does Colonial" is a porn classic!

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 10:14 pm

I still can't figure out how she could have done a Reverse Cowgirl in a corset and powdered wig.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:14 am

I can't imagine Goldie Hawn doing much of anything, really, let alone colonial.

FlyOverGirl June 25, 2011 at 11:56 am

Too bad Disney's America was a bust. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disney%27s_America

DemmeFatale June 25, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I know you need the gig, but c'mon guys!

Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 6:26 pm

That Sarah is a little bit sappy.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Well, at a minimum, she's gooey at the fork.

iburl June 24, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Tricorny

fuflans June 24, 2011 at 6:27 pm

this is going to make everyone long for the demi moore version.

Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 6:27 pm

They had downfisters before they had indoor plumbing? Who knew?

BaldarTFlagass June 24, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Not exactly on the level of, say, The Sopranos or Treme, I'd hazard…

fuflans June 24, 2011 at 6:29 pm

everybody knows you never go full teatard.

iburl June 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

"the governor will not be there to unsoil your great white breeches.”

Bad news for Senator David Vitter.

Rotundo_ June 24, 2011 at 7:49 pm

It seems like I have heard a version of that somewhere before, I think it went, "you can't unshit that bed" or something like that.Then there was the punchline about light bulbs and pregnant women "you can't unscrew a pregnant woman". These guys really have some power writers in their bullpen.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:51 pm

I was thinking fondly of "you can't unshit that bed" myself, but it seems like this trailer had plenty enough shit all over it already.

NYNYNYjr June 24, 2011 at 10:10 pm

And bad news for John McCain.

qwerty42 June 24, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Is there gonna be a lot of warnin' and shootin' and bell-ringin'? 'cause that's pretty much the whole Revolution, isn't it? Well, that and the AK-47's and .50 sniper rifles.

sportshort June 24, 2011 at 6:40 pm

I turned the sound off and wrote my own Emmy (TM) winning script:

White Guy 1: Any hot babes in this town?
White Guy 2: Plenty! But you have to marry them first!
White Guy 3: I shan't and be damned on them!

Music Sting!

White Girl: I am so…what is the word? Unmentionably excited.
White Girl 2: I am with child.
White Girl 3: Let us get torches and walk down the street at night.

Music Sting!

Unknown Person: Taxes are bad!
Unknown Person: I fear the dark people!
Unknown Person: There is someone's hand in my pocket stealing my hard earned silver!
Unknown person: Why should my money be used because you are unlucky and have the scrofula?

Music sting:

Crowd: We came to America to get away from slavery…and to have it…and for religious freedom…and to deny it! We are schizophrenic!

Music up and out.
Fade to Black

Fare la Volpe June 24, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Emmy please.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 12:14 am

I didn't bother to watch the original, but I have a feeling that your version is a pretty accurate summary.
Except, you know, not shitty.

valgal2342 June 25, 2011 at 1:02 am

You forgot the hot colonial Santorum sexy time.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:17 am

We came to America to get away from slavery…and to have it

Oh boy, is that good. The snark is strong with this one. You really can eat your cake, and then have it, too.

lurch394 July 1, 2011 at 10:25 am

Theme song: New Duncan Imperials' "I Am Schizophrenic (No I'm Not)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7ldaLdLey0

DahBoner June 24, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Well, basically Early Americans let their daughters fuck guys in their own house.

It was called "bundling".

Look it up Gunfire…

BarackMyWorld June 24, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Bundling was supposed to discourage fucking, though I'm sure no stats were kept on the actual success rate.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Depends on whether they used a bundling board…and whether it stayed in place.

NYNYNYjr June 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Yeah, the guy was sewed up in a bag. It wasn't fucking. It's described in 'The Patriot' I think. Tho, sadly, no one has portrayed this graphically on screen, as we deserve.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 24, 2011 at 9:56 pm

So that's what the Third Amendment was all about.

El Pinche June 26, 2011 at 3:00 pm

At the Palin household (modern common-sense Amurka) , it's called upstairs.

bflrtsplk June 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

If Hester Prynne ain't in it, I ain't watching.

By the way, I have been having a devil of a time uploading an avatar, having finally found the perfect fit. Any suggestions?

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:53 pm

It sometimes takes a while for the avatar to show up. Try logging out and then logging in again, and see if that helps.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 9:56 pm
PristineODummy June 25, 2011 at 2:02 am

Ah, that was great! My first ever job with computers, some silly ditz asked me why hers wasn't working. Senior Veep of bullshittery or something. I went in to take a look. Sure enough, the dozy cunt hadn't plugged the foocker in.

bflrtsplk June 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Nothing's worked so far. Thanks for the help. I'm just stupid I guess.

PristineODummy June 25, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I'm sure you're aware of the usability study that showed women have a tendency to blame themselves when software isn't doing what it's supposed to — men blame the software developer. :D

It took me a while. If you're running Firefox, try updating to v.5. I remember that it took a while for IntenseDebate to figure out what I was trying to do when I uploaded ol' Socks here.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Really dumb questions: Is the picture saved on your own computer. or are you trying to use something from the web? (it has to be uploaded from your computer, which is where it is since you said "uploading," but I'm just checking). What file format is said picture? Have you tried re-saving the picture with a different filename or in another format? (I assume it's a jpg…)

What's the computer doing when the process fails?

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 9:39 pm

KY Jelly

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 11:01 pm

KY Fried Chicken.

Gopherit June 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

"The one-hour drama is called Courage, New Hampshire, and it premiers Sunday at a movie theater in Monrovia, Calif. Co-hosting the red carpet activities are Saturday Night Live alumna Victoria Jackson "

Now if she actually had a role, I would watch this for the amusement factor of hearing her speak colonial dialog…..but no fucking way otherwise.

genxr June 24, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Toonces the buggy-driving cat!

Mahousu June 24, 2011 at 8:14 pm

She does have a role in the second episode – she provides the voice for the baby. Tentative title: "Lookest thou who talketh now."

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Even the actors therein ain't speaking no colonial dialogue, dood. Either that, or they all had different voice/accent coaches who disagree on what constitutes "colonial dialogue."

Jukesgrrl June 25, 2011 at 12:20 am

Much more factual to refer to her as "Saturday Night Live alumna Victoria Jackson," rather than "star" or even "celebrity," since she is neither.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 12:41 am

How about if we call her a "fat doody head"?

Jukesgrrl June 26, 2011 at 4:42 am

That works for me, T.

Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Sarah was just a slave to love!

flamingpdog June 25, 2011 at 2:48 am

SLUT LIBEL!

ganmerlad June 24, 2011 at 6:43 pm

"'Courage' has the pacing and feel of a soap opera, though its set in Colonial America. While its creators are making it as a TV show, there’s no distribution partner, so it’s going straight to DVD after the premiere." WND can't keep up with the pre-orders, though people are beginning to question how often they have to buy twaddle to keep the anti-democrat steam roller going. Damn libruls won't fucking die.

NYNYNYjr June 25, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Question: where is premier? how do I get tickets?

OneYieldRegular June 24, 2011 at 6:48 pm

"More weight!" he exclaimed.

And then audience member Giles Corey died.

Guppy06 June 24, 2011 at 6:52 pm

"Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists"

Had Nathaniel Hawthorne even heard of Los Angeles?

Oh, wait, Hester Prynne was a 17th century woman, guess she doesn't count.

donner_froh June 26, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Maybe a 19th century interpretation of a 17th century woman so it averages out to 18th century.

Redhead June 24, 2011 at 6:57 pm

"Riley still does not have a distributor for his masterwork, "

I hear that guy who produced the Ayn Rand bore is looking for a new project, since he followed his idol and quit halfway through his first one.

neiltheblaze June 24, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Not exactly the Royal Shakespeare, are they.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:21 am

Yeah, more like Jackson County Consolidated Schools Drama Class.

sati_demise June 24, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I want some fish. Cleaned fish.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 9:51 pm
Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Bathe her, and bring her to me.

weejee June 24, 2011 at 7:04 pm

No, his shtick runs runs more to tequila and watermelon jokes.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 7:29 pm

This fellow here, over here with the yellow horsehair shirt, macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great. … Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to the Thirteen Colonies and the real world of the Virginia plantation.

glamourdammerung June 24, 2011 at 7:04 pm

The Invisible Hand hates "entertainment" aimed at mentally handicapped sociopaths.

weejee June 24, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Trigg Washington, Tripp Jefferson, and Track Franklin or GTFO.

Steverino247 June 24, 2011 at 7:08 pm

That was excellent! Another ration of grog for you, citizen.

glamourdammerung June 24, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Extra points if they pull the teatard "slavery was not that bad" card.

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 10:05 pm

To be fair, that's really more of a neoconfederate canard, though of course there may be a fair degree of overlap among those groups.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Agnostics and rakes?
Get a clue, Buck-o. It was torches and pitchforks.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 7:19 pm

You're forced to drink, and you call yourself a Wonketeer? Poseur!

poncho_pilot June 24, 2011 at 7:23 pm

ethanol boarding?

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Etoh, Brute?

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Pfft, teatards don't watch trailers, they live in them!

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:56 pm

No wonder your pness is bigger than mine.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I saw them in Boston, in the 'Bat Zone back in the 70s and they kinda sucked. The opening band, Roger"Musket Fucker" Williams and the Groady Rhodies, was was way better.

weejee June 24, 2011 at 7:26 pm

OT,

Although it requires cereally extensive hacking skills, here is a short video on how to breach the Gray Lady's knickers NY Times' paywall.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

I'll try it, just for Lulz.

fuflans June 25, 2011 at 12:31 am

that's fantastic. only i'm not meeting any firewalls tonight? possibly the weejee majic has gone before me and opened doors.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 24, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Yeah yeah yeah.

King's fish…Kosher?

Color me skeptical.
~

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Da Kingfish?

SexySmurf June 24, 2011 at 7:29 pm

At 1:48, is that Chris Noth?

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Looks a little like him, but IMDB doesn't seem to think he's in it.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 11:25 pm

It would appear to be Nathan Kershaw, whomever he is. The person opposite him calls him Sargeant, and Kershaw plays Sargeant Bob Wheedle, who is the one who wheedled his way into Sarah's affections, allegedly.
Why the hell did I go to all the trouble of looking this up? Is my life that empty? Time to fill it up with more beer.

Barrelhse June 26, 2011 at 1:18 am

Noth is 0 or 360, 148 would be Southeast by South

poncho_pilot June 24, 2011 at 7:30 pm

and once again…thou tearest mine soul in twain, Lisa!

emmelemm June 24, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Done, and… done.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 7:43 pm

As this flic would appear to be a crime against filmdom, I suggest Botany Bay rather than Colony Bay. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Botany_Bay

BarackMyWorld June 24, 2011 at 8:56 pm
flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Thank you for being my straight man, Barry.

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

ifthethunderdontgetya June 24, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I was just thinking if she got nailed on Route 128 and the Turnpike.
With the Radio On.

Poindexter718 June 24, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Feking Betsey Ross and her lesbo sewing bees…

writechic June 24, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Wow, everyone was ugly back then. Or is it just wingnut actors?

Mahousu June 24, 2011 at 8:28 pm

That part at least is accurate. The height of beauty back then was not having had smallpox – or at least, not too bad a case of it.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 12:45 am

"The Founding Fathers were dumpy" — MST3K, Time Chasers

Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Surely, sire, or madam, their vocal inflections — haughty, smug and self-assured, predated any concept of germ theory or suffrage….oh, you meant they were butt ugly…my bad.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 11:32 pm

That's what real white people looked like, before the French, Italians, Irish, and Eastern Europeans came over on the boat to make white people look pretty.

Beowoof June 24, 2011 at 8:18 pm

The founding fathers liked sex, who knew. Oh yeah anyone who has even the most remote clue about history. And anyone who has any remote clue about history would let them know the founding fathers were at best deist and didn't buy most of the bullshit the preachers were throwing around. Jesus didn't these dumb fucks ever watch the history channel before Pawn Stars.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 9:57 pm

And there was no central heat.
Just sayin'.

HistoriCat June 25, 2011 at 11:14 am

"didn't these dumb fucks ever watch the history channel before Pawn Stars."

Only the Hitler shows.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Next, on the History Channel:

Secrets of Hitler's Underwear: Part 27.

Followed by:

Queer Eye Guys Reveal How to Grow a fabulous Hitler Mustache!

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:26 pm

ZOMG. That was truly terrible. I must watch several hours of soap opera to compensate.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Hey, he could be speaking LOLcat, yaknow. Although maybe that would be "I duz not keer."

Never mind.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Literally.

BarackMyWorld June 24, 2011 at 8:51 pm

“Hollywood tends to make over the past in its own image – 18th century women become raging feminists; statesmen become agnostics or rakes.”

Wait…is he saying Hollywood got something 2/3 right?

Because the idea of the founding fathers being big man-whores who never went to church does kind of have a mountain of supporting evidence.

carlgt1 June 24, 2011 at 8:55 pm

where the scarlet letter "A" stands for Ayn Rand?

BarackMyWorld June 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm
Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 24, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Nay.

MilwaukeeKent June 25, 2011 at 1:36 am

Aye! Come sit on the face of a refined man!

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 2:00 am

Aye–with the King's cleaned, gutted fish.

berkeleyfarm June 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Props for getting the pronoun right, unlike the the macro creator.

poorgradstudent June 24, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Come on, we need to support this so they'll launch even more ambitious historical adaptations, like a film based on the untold story of how John Adams turned against the British because of King George's plan for socialized health care. It'll be worthy of Gore Vidal!

mavenmaven June 24, 2011 at 9:35 pm

And at the end, they all find out who John Galt is.

poncho_pilot June 25, 2011 at 8:12 pm

special guest stars: Don Knotts, Mama Cass, and Sonny and Cher.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Fuck this. "Jerusalem's Lot, Maine" would be a lot more interesting, not to mention full of eldritch horror.

poncho_pilot June 25, 2011 at 8:12 pm

there are plenty of things that should not be in this trailer.

DerrickWildcat June 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm

This might be better than, "The Beaver."

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 11:36 pm

"Ward, you were awfully hard on the Beaver last night."

DahBoner June 25, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I've been waiting my whole life to see Jodie Foster's Beaver

NYNYNYjr June 25, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Good to see someone using the Oxford Comma correctly.

Limeylizzie June 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm

OT But Hey Homos, we can all get gay-married in NYC now!

AJWjr. June 24, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Makes me so proud to have driven through New York, twice!

AJWjr. June 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Whoa–NY Senate just approved Marriage Equality!

T-Maw June 24, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Hooray!

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 12:50 am

Huzzah! Anything that pisses off the Religious Right is good for America!

Jukesgrrl June 26, 2011 at 4:35 am

Every time I observe trolls on the Internet railing about which behaviors are an abomination before the Lord, I wonder if that person eats pork products.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 1:20 am

Wow! What is marriage now equal to? X? Pi? 8 factorial?

I really suck at algebra. No marriage for me. :(

poncho_pilot June 25, 2011 at 8:18 pm

i think it goes like this:

1) m+m = m+w
2) w+w = m+w
3) m+m = w+w
4) m = w

NYNYNYjr June 25, 2011 at 6:31 pm

The governor will not be there at the great white throne to sign your gay breeches…oh, nevermind.

Jukesgrrl June 24, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Needz moar Hoverounds.

T-Maw June 24, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Needs more Hawthorne.

ttommyunger June 24, 2011 at 10:54 pm

More proof that a Koch and his money are soon parted.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Well, as this appears to be our stagnant weekend watering hole, how about a question to maybe get a threadita going: Fellini, in his grave, does what in this film and/or the current crop of Republican contenders? Spin? Laugh? Cry? Pause, and think, "Is this too much, even for me?"

So, what do you think Dead Fellini does in the face of this, um, well the face of this?

Angry_Marmot June 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Floats above it.

Barrelhse June 24, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Bukkake?

Doktor Zoom June 24, 2011 at 11:52 pm

"Dead Fellini" would be a great name for a band.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 2:35 am

And "Dead Fellatio" would be a great name for the current crop of Republican presidential wannabes.

Geminisunmars June 25, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Opening act for "Cunning Linguini."

imissopus June 25, 2011 at 1:40 am

Writes Beck/Santorum slash fic.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 2:37 am

Sounds like something that would be full of Bolognesa.

MilwaukeeKent June 25, 2011 at 1:52 am

Bear on unicycle crosses back of scene, unnoticed by actors, and is never seen again.

Sssaaaayyyyyy…when and where is the the next Republican debate? Stage Hands Union, don't go getttin' any ideas now…

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 2:39 am

Bear on unicycle is noticed by Larry Craig.

Craig is never seen again.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 4:34 pm
Jukesgrrl June 26, 2011 at 4:26 am

Could the bear remove Rick Santorum, while he's at it?

bagofmice June 25, 2011 at 8:04 pm

A swarm of bees invading a Safeway, hectoring a man buying a Father's Day card.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 10:03 pm

No, no, no. Hectoring a clown buying a Father's Day card for himself in the local Piggly Wiggly. And he's an albino midget. Amputee, too.

But you definitely got the bees right. Spot on.

BarackMyWorld June 24, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Maybe it can air on M-Tea-V.

Weenus299 June 24, 2011 at 11:49 pm

"Have you been to Boston lately? It's a full-tilt, hammer-and-tongs cockfight down there!"
It's at around the :53 mark.
This was the point at which the shit fell out of my body.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 12:02 am

This is the third hose fight I've had to break up today… and the second that actually involved hoses! –Leela

Angry_Marmot June 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

And soiled your great white breeches.

DemmeFatale June 25, 2011 at 4:40 pm

The Sox must have been playing the Yankees.

not that Dewey June 25, 2011 at 12:48 am

I haven't seen that many tricorn hats since last Purim.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 12:50 am

And it's for damn sure that a lantern does not need to go "there".

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 1:00 am

That's why God invented GPS. Right?

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 1:17 am

The bell-ringin' and firin' those warning shots were singularly unhelpful, too.

mrblifil June 25, 2011 at 1:00 am

Tricorn porn, where "Barry Lyndon" meets "Gossip Girl." Christian fundamentalists suck at art.

not that Dewey June 25, 2011 at 1:16 am

As Monk once said, "I was born natural, but I was raised Cesarian".

MilwaukeeKent June 25, 2011 at 1:22 am

Seems like they've learned something from the Atlas Shrugged massive fail about sizing to market. This should go over very well in the home schools. I look forward to buying the entire series on the inevitable DVD when it turns up at Good Will or the Sally. Just the thing to watch while chugging "Two If By Tea" from the dollar store.

Remainder the GOP!

El Pinche June 25, 2011 at 3:48 am

Needs more slaves and incest…teabaggers love the 1700's for good reasons.

weejee June 25, 2011 at 8:27 am

That's how the Blue Grass State, Kin-tuckie, got its name.

AKHottie June 25, 2011 at 8:20 am

With sincere respect for those suffering from floods and whatever, YAYZ TO NEW YORK!

x111e7thst June 25, 2011 at 9:02 am

Does the New York marriage equality law mean that Repukes there will have to divorce the wife and give up the rest stop bathroom trysts? Because that might explain their opposition.

JackObin June 25, 2011 at 9:44 am

I didn't realize colonial women had such white, straight teeth. More myths debunked by the great unwashed.

weejee June 25, 2011 at 10:02 am

Anger management class clown Matt Taibbi has a bit rambly jeremiad on the Lord's loonie Michele Bachmann over at the Rolling Stone. Worth a visit, but no laughing. None! Not a giggle or a smirk or we's doomed.

AJWjr. June 25, 2011 at 11:30 am

Miche1e Bachma2n scares the fuck out of me.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Saw that on Boingboing, and giggled anyway, particularly at this parenthetical comment: "Bachmann seems so unduly obsessed with Shariah law that, after listening to her frequent pronouncements on the subject, one begins to wonder if her crazed antipathy isn't born of professional jealousy."

DangerHelvetica June 25, 2011 at 11:33 am

Gather. Your. Armies.

HistoriCat June 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

Starring role for LimeyLizzie or GTFO.

Limeylizzie June 27, 2011 at 7:49 am

I suspect this POS may be non-Union, so I will have to refuse. But thanks for the thought.

HistoriCat June 27, 2011 at 9:04 am

Damn – I didn't even consider the Union aspect. Ah well, you would probably have to bleach your mouth after saying their ridiculous dialogue anyway.

Schmegeg June 25, 2011 at 12:32 pm

That guy who gets to clean the King's fish, is that going to be a series?

poncho_pilot June 26, 2011 at 4:55 am

i think it's already available on youporn.

Chet Kincaid June 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm

People who are actually alive today in New England have more authentic Colonial accents than these "actors." Is it too hard to just walk down a street in Boston with a tape recorder??

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 1:53 pm

If you're wandering through Southie doing that, you're gonna need subtitles.

PubOption June 25, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I thought there were 'fah' too many 'ahs' being pronounced.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 9:29 pm

The only time you're supposed to hear an "er" is when the word ends in "a."

And this is why, children, in Massachusetts, the US space agency is pronounced as Nasser, father of the the Aswan Dam.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:32 am

Man, can you imagine Mark Wahlberg in this movie? That would be awesome.

BaldarTFlagass June 27, 2011 at 9:13 am

"Do you have anyone in with King George presently?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself."

mourningnmerica June 25, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Looks like more of a mess than Atlas Shrugged, a real steaming pile. But I still dig Susan Lucci.

mourningnmerica June 25, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Why didn't the producer of this simply take the cash and flush it down the toilet directly?

NYNYNYjr June 25, 2011 at 6:13 pm

He did it for the lulz.

bagofmice June 25, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Like the Tea?

comrad_darkness June 25, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Needz moar Nathaniel Hawthorne.

weejee June 25, 2011 at 3:18 pm

OT²

Ballot box stuffing Wisconsin Supremes Court Justice David Prosser allegedly tried to strangle fellow Supreme Ann Walsh Bradley. For most folks doing that in Wisconsin would get you slapped with Class H Felony charge. Obviously in this case the esteemed Kochalyte Prosser will be presented with medals by Rethug Gov Scott Walker and his Koch-sucking AG J.B. Van Hollen. The end (well not likely)

glamourdammerung June 25, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I can hardly wait to see some moron claim Prosser was yet another liberal plant that was trying to make conservatives look like depraved savages.

ThundercatHo June 25, 2011 at 4:40 pm

WTF is going on out there? Did somebody poison their cheese curds or something?

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Look, he may have tried to strangle another justice, but it's not like he sent anyone a photo of his junk. Focus on the important stuff.

EDIT: From the linked article: The Judicial Commission was created by the Supreme Court in 1971 to “discipline and correct judges who engage in conduct which has an adverse effect upon the judicial administration of justice and the confidence of the public and the judiciary and its process.” It investigates possible violations of the Code of Judicial Conduct, officially Chapter 60 of the Supreme Court Rules, with ultimate decisions on discipline being imposed by the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

Guess what the next part of Wisconsin state government is about to have its budget zeroed out? To save future generations from wasteful spending, of course.

weejee June 25, 2011 at 5:08 pm

I'm just choked-up hearing that.

Geminisunmars June 25, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Obviously, she goaded him into it. These uppity women judges.

Radiotherapy® June 25, 2011 at 7:31 pm

fellow Supreme
Wasn't Diana Ross one crazy beeatch too?

donner_froh June 25, 2011 at 11:59 pm

I didn't realize that Wisconsin was such a tough, thug-filled urban wilderness. If trying to strangle someone is a Class H felony, Classes A through G must involve mayhem and mass slaughter. Eight levels of badness before one gets to attempted strangulation is bad indeed.

zhubajie June 26, 2011 at 10:18 am

Too bad they can't shoot each other privately in a duel. I'm sure gun-idolators would cheer!

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Supreme Court Justice Latrell Sprewell?

V572 [SSAN] June 26, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Sometimes you just have to choke a coach. Or a bitch. Or a justice of the state supreme court. They're all the same, constantly saying, "No, you can't do that!

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Michael Jordan's Former Go-To-White-Guy and current Bulls President John Paxson choked Coach Vinny Del Negro season-before-last for over-using Joakim Noah when he had a bad foot. See what happens when the Urban rubs off on ya?!

Jukesgrrl June 26, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Yeah, but did anybody get their ear bit off?

horsedreamer_1 June 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm

He's a proud alumnus of Washington High here in the MKE, & apparently still hangs out in the area. (Son of a friend of the family indicates he sees 'Trell on Water Street, in fancy cars with various saucy dames.) So, he could run for office.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 12:34 pm

"In March, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported that, in a disagreement over a case last year, Prosser had called Abrahamson a "total bitch" and threatened to "destroy" her."

Prosser refers to himself as "The Jurisdiction" and likes to brag to his court-mates about his "big subpoena." Ann Bradley goes by the moniker "Miss Demeanor." MTV expects "The Supremes" to be their next breakout hit.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:36 am

It'll be like "Mob Wives" meets "Real World" meets "Jersey Snore".

glamourdammerung June 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Funny how those Breitards have not wagged their fingers at this or my link about yet another right wing terrorist. After all, we know how concerned no man is about political violence.

Doktor Zoom June 26, 2011 at 5:03 pm

See also this week's This American Life. If'n you didn't hear it on the radio, the website will have it available Sunday evening.

Yes, I'm a liberal who listens to NPR. But instead of a Prius, I drive a 1973 Impala.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 6:28 pm

My Dad had Impalas all through the '70s and early '80s. I love those old battleships. Seats 8 for those church youth group trips, and God can't see you touching Arlene's thigh through the vinyl roof!

ThundercatHo June 25, 2011 at 4:38 pm

…….and then the Magic Grift Bus traveled back in time ….

Barrelhse June 26, 2011 at 2:16 am
AJWjr. June 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

So it's a TARDIS? It makes more sense now.

poncho_pilot June 26, 2011 at 8:10 pm

except it's dumber on the inside than it looks like from the outside.

SaintRond June 25, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Try as I might, I can't find a practical usage for that line about the king not coming "to unsoil your breeches," unless the screenwriter was attempting to make the Tea Bagger relate more to the first Americans by referencing their age related propensity to shit themselves.

zhubajie June 26, 2011 at 10:19 am

I don't think people wore underpants in those days. Women had petticoats, men, I'm not sure.

AJWjr. June 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

Which was bad news for the gnomes of the time.

bagofmice June 25, 2011 at 7:22 pm

KOMPRESSOR DOES NOT DANCE!!!!, Neither does Bristol.

poncho_pilot June 25, 2011 at 7:33 pm

omfg! K is for Kompressor!

donner_froh June 25, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Where are the Indians with the turkeys?

Peace in our time June 25, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Mumbai.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Yes, in Mumbai. Producing the Hindi-language version of The Jeffersons, starring the ever comical Narendra Hemsley, whose tag line "you are a most jive turkey" has become iconic among the viewing public.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 12:44 pm

The Kumars at No. 42 or GTFO.

Rotundo_ June 25, 2011 at 9:28 pm

It sounds like this epic was set a ways past the original pilgrims feast. After the native occupants realized what a horrible mistake it was not to let them starve, or slaughter the lot of them except for the women and children. Y'know, when we started pushing them off their land and shooting them and dosing them up with smallpox and other diseases, killing off all the edible wildlife as efficiently as possible. White folk stuff y'know, when we started being amurkin, but before USA USA USA popped up.

flamingpdog June 25, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I think the movie is the turkey.

poncho_pilot June 26, 2011 at 5:10 am

the medium is the message. and it's delicious.

AJWjr. June 26, 2011 at 10:48 am

I haven't been able to fit in a medium in years, but I'm working on it.

Barrelhse June 26, 2011 at 7:33 pm

And make 'em eat the creamed corn, too.

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Cats are vastly superior to dogs. They have dignity and self-respect.

Dogs are nothing more puerile lickspittles with smelly hair.

V572 [SSAN] June 26, 2011 at 5:39 am

The innate superiority of cats is so obvious that it hardly need be stated here. Intelligent Design studies inform us that the Designer, having created first the house cat, scaled it up into various other forms (the bobcat, lynx, mountain lion, leopard, tiger, lion) all of which are aesthetically pleasing and lie around the house or the savanna all day until mealtime, when they're not scratching furniture or baobob trees, or whatever's around.

Scale up canidae domesti and what do you get? Foxes, jackals, wolves, coyotes and other carrion-eating, pack-hunting vermin.

Cats > dogs.
Q.E.D.

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Logic in action is beautiful to behold.

*intellectual orgasm*

DemmeFatale June 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Are you trying to start a fight?!
Well, are you, punk?!

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Of course, you dozy cunt!

Felines = James Dean
Canines = Barney Fife

Doktor Zoom June 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Nice article in the March 2011 National Geographic about the evolutionary changes in animals that have been domesticated; somewhere in there, it notes that kittehs are the only species that appears to have domesticated itself–wild cats found it was advantageous to hang around human settlements since the rodent-hunting was easy, and they've gradually become more tolerant of us, especially since they haven't evolved thumbs to open cans of tuna.

YET.

DemmeFatale June 26, 2011 at 7:20 pm

"Gradually become more tolerant?"
Wow, Dok.
Sounds like my kids.

glamourdammerung June 25, 2011 at 11:23 pm

What more does it take?

A (D) next to their name.

glamourdammerung June 26, 2011 at 2:33 am
El Pinche June 26, 2011 at 3:33 am

To teabaggers "3 slain officers" = smaller govt.

This freedom patriot is better off dead if he's going to spend anytime in a correctional facility. The staff beat his ass on a daily basis.

poncho_pilot June 26, 2011 at 5:02 am

comments have been disabled for the trailer on youtube. that's a shame.

zhubajie June 26, 2011 at 10:05 am

So was Benj. Franklin the father? He did have 20 children, 10 with his wife (to whom he wasn't actually married anyway).

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Benny the Casanova was the indisputable all-star of the Founders cast.

True Story: the wee town in Mass. where owls was hatched was in fact named after him (no, not Benjiville, just Franklin). Not too long after the town was founded, the locals asked Ben for a bell, to commemorate him. Instead, he sent them cases upon cases of books and told them to build a library. (I actually was allowed to read on of them as a kid!) It was the fucking first public library in the country!

Now if that isn't the most wicked pissah thing to do, I don't know what is.

zhubajie June 26, 2011 at 10:20 am

They both lick their assholes.

Noman June 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm
HistoriCat June 27, 2011 at 9:17 am

The only reason humans don't lick their assholes is their body shapes preclude it except for the exceptionally limber.

donner_froh June 26, 2011 at 10:26 am

Very strange that the "freedom loving" producers decided not to cast the most patriotic movie actor in Hollywood, Daniel Baldwin, in a key role. Perhaps they aren't as committed to the right side of the culture wars as they claim.

Barrelhse June 27, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Ted Nugent soundtrack would have been a nice touch as well.
But they did cast one of Bris Palins brats as the baby, and Chuck Norris was quite convincing as the mom.

Noman June 26, 2011 at 10:30 am

Internal combustion?

Isn't that one of the things that makes libunatics' heads explode (along with personal responsibility)?

Libunatic whores take money from whomever they can.

di_da_is_alpha June 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Yeah, but you know they just LOVE Exxon. Hell, if they didn't have the chance to wipe sweet light crude off of gulls and sea otters none of these losers would have an excuse to get out of the basement.

bflrtsplk June 26, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Funny, on my Wonkette page, I see several ads, but none for Heritage Foundation or Exxon Mobil, though I am north of the 49th parallel.

Noman June 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

I wonder when advertisers will realize that because of their internet savvy (of which they gloat), so many Wankette users have ad-blocking software that those ad dollars are completely wasted and would be better spent elsewhere?

SexySmurf June 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

I guess your anti- free speech jihad didn't work. In fact, it looks like Wonkette now has more advertisers than it did.

Oh, and the Heritage Foundation is one of them. You might want to send them a whiny e-mail letting them know what big meanies we are.

di_da_is_alpha June 26, 2011 at 1:18 pm

/// "In fact, it looks like Wonkette now has more advertisers than it did." ///

Really? Got some proof of that? All I'm seeing are Exxon, Zales, and Motorola. I think I will say something to Zales and Motorola, but you can have Exxon. I don't buy their products (as far as I know, petroleum is present in about all our products, you know) and seeing their ads here is just so deliciously ironic.

And I'm not against free speech, I'm just for people taking responsibility for their actions, including what the say or write.

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 2:30 pm

poopyhead

glamourdammerung June 26, 2011 at 2:38 pm

And I'm not against free speech, I'm just for people taking responsibility for their actions, including what the say or write.

I am glad that you support bans for you and your troll pals. Though I think you might have mistaken thought you were posting as Neilist.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Yankee Diddle Damsel?

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 2:30 pm

It's Morning Sickness in America.
-or-
A Shining Kitty Upon the Pill.

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Quarter to three….no one in the place…but you and me….

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 6:37 pm

She messed around in Provincetown,
and Franklin showed her how to kick the gong around;

Ho-de-Ho-de-Ho-de-Ho; indeed!

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:40 am

Yankee Diddle went to town, riding high upon a strumpet…

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Ok, here's a genuine 'what the fucking fuck?' moment for you:

U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama and her family made a quick stop at a small restaurant in a village in Botswana Saturday to sample some of the local fare. On the menu: french fires and deep-fried fat cakes.

http://www.reuters.com/video/2011/06/25/french-fr

Deep fried fat cakes?! Once this goes viral on the county fair circuit, the USofA will simply sink below sea level and disappear.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I'd be more concerned about the french fires.

Can't we have Freedom Fires™ instead?
~

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Don't you know about Native American fry bread? It should be weaponized. If the casinos don't kill you, the fry bread will! Bye-bye, Whitey, and thanks for the blankets!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fry_bread

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Sure, I get that the 'skins dig their version of Lángos. But Sister Michelle was eating fucking fried fat!

How the fuck do you even do that?? I mean it's like draining all your own blood out, boiling it in a caldron, and then jumping in, isn't it?

THIS BAFFLES ME IN MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS! GAH!

Chet Kincaid June 26, 2011 at 6:44 pm

OK, I am really bored with the work I brought home, so just for you Owls, here is the recipe for Magwinya, Botswanian Fried Fat Cakes:

Magwinya (makes 36 small magwinya)

4*250 ml (4 cups) Bokomo White Bread Flour (480g)
10 ml (1 tsp) salt
10 ml (2 tsp) Pure Sugar
15 ml (1 tsp) instant dry yeast (10g)
30 ml (2 tsp) cooking oil
10 ml (2 tsp) vinegar
2*250 ml (2 Cups) lukewarm water
Cooking oil for deep fat frying

1-Mix the flour,salt and sugar together.Add instant yeast and mix
2-In a separate bowl, mix together the oil, vinegar and the lukewarm water
3-Make a well in the center of the flour mixture and pour in the liquids mixture.Mix well to form a stiff butter. [I think they mean "batter" in Amurrican.] If the butter is too stiff add more lukewarm water
4-Cover the bowl and allow the butter to rise in a a warm place for 15 – 30 minutes or until it has doubled in size
5-In the mean time heat enogh oil for deep fat frying.Test the heat by dropping a little butter in the hot oil – It should brown in a minute
6-Drop spoonfuls of the batter into the hot oil. Fry 2 – 3 minutes on each side until golden brown. Drain on absorbent paper

HINTS: Do not drop too much butter in the oil at once as the oil will cool and the butter will fry too slowly and becomes soggy with oil
http://www.bokomobotswana.co.bw/flour_recipes.htm
http://tijainthepeacecorps.blogspot.com/2011/05/m

Mm, donut holes!

I think Food Network and Discovery should team up for a new show called "Deadliest Recipes". First episode: Battle Fry-Bread vs. Fried Fat Cakes! Will 600 pounds of Texas man and a plump Scotch girl survive?!

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Oh holy jesus, I just got a major Mag w'in my Yah.

Purrrrrr…..

Jukesgrrl June 26, 2011 at 11:55 pm

I know a couple of neighborhood festivals around Pittsburgh where that would be a big hit.

V572 [SSAN] June 27, 2011 at 12:19 am

Where's the promised "fat" in these fatcakes? Just frying in fat is no big deal in US America — we'd eat river gravel if it were breaded and deep-fat-fried.

They do sound mighty tasty, actually.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:43 am

On the menu: french fires and deep-fried fat cakes.

The itinerary needs to be checked, again. Are we sure that they didn't visit the American South, 'cause that sounds like the menu at a Waffle House. 'Bama can sound a little like Bostwana to the untrained ear.

HistoriCat June 27, 2011 at 9:26 am

Sure the menu sounds the same but if there were no fist-fights then I'm pretty sure it wasn't a Waffle House in the South.

Warpde June 26, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I love history.
Especially when you learn something new.
Like how the real patriots had shed their British accent and adopted the new American one.
And in such a short time.
I feel so edjumicated now.

AJWjr. June 26, 2011 at 4:16 pm

After watching Face the Nation this morning, it appears that Miche1e Bachma2n does not wish to be President of the gheys.

Jukesgrrl June 26, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Lucky them.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:50 am

Well, she's a smart woman, then, 'cause she knows she'd lose in a Goldwater-esque landslide to Lady Gaga, the fabulous incumbent President of the Gheys.

Noman June 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

So libunatics will understand it: Tête de la merde

Ken Cuccinelli June 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I'm betting a gas station near wherever our troll friend is is completely out of Mountain Dew Amp'd and soon, the squad will be called for a full arrest. In there, they'll find a keyboard with the keys "Control", "C" and "V" completely worn away.

Noman June 26, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Whew, I was a-feared you'd say the Minimart was out of Cheetos!

Jukesgrrl June 26, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Wow, it seems that Downfister & Co. REALLY hate you. You were down 3 when I got here. I don't suppose it's the rainbow flag …

weejee June 26, 2011 at 5:34 pm

'Murica & its fry daze: TGIF(d).

burp…. 'scusies

genxr June 26, 2011 at 8:27 pm

But it opens with a great musical number… "Springtime for Hitler, and Germany…"

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 12:15 am

"Confusing" is probably the kindest way to describe the varying (and changing mid-character) accents.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 12:20 am

Help! The levee's been britched, whilst I'm still here in my best Sunday breeches!

Barrelhse June 27, 2011 at 12:21 am

Sunday's suck around here. I'm so bored I guess I'll have to actually watch the thing.

edit: NOW I'm sorry.

flamingpdog June 27, 2011 at 1:37 am

A Facebook friend of mine was looking for something to watch tonight and I suggested this trailer. I think I lost a friend tonight.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 1:52 am

It's always been my thought that the least Wonkette could do on Friday's is give us free reign on the weekends by offering us an open thread, if they aren't going to make one of their contributors at least post one weekend item.

poncho_pilot June 27, 2011 at 3:31 am

let the inmates run the asylum.

T-Maw June 27, 2011 at 7:40 am

Good point.

Hey, as long as were complaining about stuff on the long, long, weekend thread, why doesn't anyone do the 'Morning in America' post anymore? It didn't belong exclusively to Riley because Steuf did it, too. I want 'Morning in America' is what I'm saying.

HistoriCat June 27, 2011 at 9:28 am

Apparently none of those lazy Wonkette Jr. writers are capable of putting words together so early in the morning. It's just all incoherent rambling and complaints about the noise during the hangover.

SaintRond June 27, 2011 at 3:44 am

Tea Baggers and sex. Yeah, right. I haven't seen a Tea Bagger women yet who wasn't so dried up she could make tears let alone provide entry for a cock. And the men look like they ejaculate ashes. It's like watching a fucking zombie movie taking place in the 17th century. And they make as much sense when they open their mouths and talk too. Jesus Christ.

Negropolis June 27, 2011 at 8:02 am

Honestly, the first thing that came to mind upon seeing the beginning of the trailer was M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, which had the most disappointing twist, climax, whatever the hell you want to call it, ever. It's one of the few movies I've ever where I very seriously considered walking out. But, I digress…Wait, what were we talking about, again? lol

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 8:41 pm

For a minute, I feared you were invoking Joseph Farrah of WND, with that sucker 'tache.

flamingpdog June 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

or Limey beans?

CapeClod June 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

The bullshit piled up so fast in Massachusetts that you needed wings to stay above it.

MilwaukeeKent June 25, 2011 at 3:16 am

There's a lesson for posting: never delete. It's like the cover-up after a political transgression, it's always worse than the crime. Whatever you didn't say must be truly awful, a thousand times worse than whatever goofball thing you DID say, and then didn't. The mind reels.

MilwaukeeKent June 25, 2011 at 3:36 am

With a thong in your heart (ack!…Thunp!)

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Eleven.

Doktor Zoom June 25, 2011 at 11:51 pm

One!

(You made me all better!)

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Sarcasm, friend, sarcasm. Just gave me an opening to write something ghastly and pin it on someone else. I knew what you were doing, and gave you a fine fisting for it!

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Dag, yo. You mean I gotta carry an extra digit?

user-of-owls June 25, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Dag, yo. You mean I gotta carry the extra digit? Math is not my strong suit, so I guess I drink more and get to a round number. Pi is round, isn't it?

Doktor Zoom June 26, 2011 at 12:04 am

If I say its safe to play at ninepins on this common, Captain, then its safe to play at ninepins on this common! I mean, I'm not afraid to play at ninepins here… I'll play ninepins all over the whole fucking place!

user-of-owls June 26, 2011 at 1:03 am

What the hell do you know about ninepins, Major? You're from god damned New Jersey colony!

Moonbat June 27, 2011 at 9:27 am

Charlie don't bowl!

V572 [SSAN] June 27, 2011 at 12:16 am

What's that restaurant in downtown P'burgh's Quainttown area where they serve French fries right in the sandwich, on a sheet of waxed paper laid down over the linoleum tabletop? Mmmm…cholesterol: good and deadly!

imissopus June 27, 2011 at 12:43 am

Primanti Brothers? I don't know what Quaintown is but when I was a student at Pitt around '92-'93, there was one about a block from my dorm in the Oakland neighborhood. I used to get full just walking by and looking in the window.

Jukesgrrl July 6, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Primanti Brothers. Ummmm. Death on a plate — but a happy death. Multiple locations. The ones you see on TV most often are in the Strip District (open 24 hours) and the South Side, close to the bar scene. I saw the Primanti Strip location on the Travel Channel just this weekend. What amused me is more than half the patrons were wearing Pittsburgh sports team regalia. Hats, shirts, jackets, hockey jerseys. Pittsburghers — gotta love 'em. about ten years ago I was in a sidewalk cafe in Berlin and a guy walked by wearing Steeler sweatpants, a Penguins hockey jersey, and a Pirates baseball cap. Of course my friend and I stopped him and he was, indeed, from Pittsburgh. I asked him if he had any other clothes and he just laughed.—

V572 [SSAN] June 27, 2011 at 1:07 am

Quainttowns of the US:Chicago: Wells St, Near North SideDenver: Larimer SquareSt Louis: Laclede's LandingWashington: GeorgetownSeattle: Pike Place Market

imissopus June 27, 2011 at 2:07 am

Ah, okay. You must be thinking of the original Primantis' location, which is in the Strip district downtown (or dontawn, in Pittsburgh-ese). That area could be considered a quainttown.

V572 [SSAN] July 6, 2011 at 3:53 pm

The near-universal need among proletarians to wear identity garb when traveling is somebody’s PhD thesis in sociology waiting to happen.

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