mississippi for the win

Mississippi Wins Coveted Free Gay Porn/God Google Search Prize

We apologize to our Wonkette Operative from Mississippi.Mississippi is a book by William Faulkner that somehow turned into a dumb reality show called Haley Barbour and Other Comical Racist White Villains With Dumb Accents vs. Poor Black People Forever. And ever since the nation’s poorest, most obese and reliably Republican-voting state got Internet access last year, the main thing the people of Mississippi have been looking for, on the ‘puter, is “free gay porn” and “God.” In that order.

Florida, as you can see and as can be expected, surpassed Mississippi in overall searches-by-state for Free Gay Porn, but failed to top Haley Barbour’s state in the essential “post-jacking off” search for God. (In Florida, that secondary search is “Kill Castro.”)

This website called Calamities of Nature produced a wonderful chart that everybody should hang up on the wall in Mississippi, based on Google search data. Who knew Google was keeping tabs on everything anybody did, anywhere? Oh wait, we already knew that. [Calamities of Nature via Wonkette operative "Gerald W."]

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120 comments

  1. horsedreamer_1

    No matter how deep in the closet they can go in Tunica, the out-gays in South Beach can go deeper.

  2. metamarcisf

    Mississippi proves it's adept at more than just snake handling and dumpster diving.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Back to -97.

        I still say he should (faux) grovel to the Breitards, to get his commenting privilege at their site restored, though. Need to be back at -100 & below.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Faux the BrightFarts… there must be other wingnut forums where meta can post downfitstable facts.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, Alabama and Tennessee actually have more searches for god than they do for free gay porn. Of course, the unlikelihood that Alabamans and Tennesseeans could type three words in a row without a typo probably drives that statistic somewhat.

    1. tessiee

      "the unlikelihood that Alabamans and Tennesseeans could type three words in a row without a typo"

      Of course, their chubby little lard-fed fingers usually strike at least two keys at a time, so there is that.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      That's Utah, where their Mormon training kicks in, porn people are people too and must be given money and so they are the #1 actual money spending Americans when it comes to porn purchasing, which I personally have not done since I was 17.

  4. Come here a minute

    Mississippi also ranks high on the list of searches for "anus burgers".

    No, I am not going to Google that.

  5. edgydrifter

    Fumbling for your half-chub somewhere beneath your sweating gut, cranking one out to twenty-second clips of hairless assmasters and then weeping softly and praying for Jesus to forgive you before you go slap around your kids–Friday night in Mississippi sounds AWESOME!

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      you are so many kinds of awesome, made the baby jeebus weep…(does searching for Sarah Palin porn make one gay also, too?)

  6. jaytingle

    I won't feel we've moved Mississippi into the new century until her citizens become able to pay for gay porn.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Paying? If they're paying for free internet porn, they're even stupider than we thought.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Between your comment & your avatar, I cannot help but think of the highway cop in Little Miss Sunshine who pulled over the family station-wagon, then found the gay and straight porn in the back.

    2. emmelemm

      The only way they'd be able to pay for their gay porn is if we funnel more tax subsidies their way. I say: No.

    3. tessiee

      In fairness, they're still all a-tingle from having recently outlawed slavery, so let's give them a moment to recover from that.

    4. Negropolis

      Mississippi we'll first have to be brought to the 20th century, before we can bring them to this new one.

  7. rocktonsam

    just when you thought the poor schools and the racists weren't enough in Mississippi

  8. freakishlywrong

    Poor Mississippi. Obese, with the dibeedus, Republican and deeply in the closet. They must search for "God" immediately after to escape the shame spiral.

    "Must", stupid, "must"

  9. user-of-owls

    And yet again, we proud Arkansans gleefully proclaim our official state motto:

    Thank god for Mississippi*

    *On account of the fact that we're always either 49th (in the good categories) or 2nd (in the horrible ones).

      1. user-of-owls

        I'd look to see where we are on the Jah searches, but I fear the results would be contaminated by the cross-pollination with a search for, "Tell me where da cheap lard is at, would'jah?"

  10. genxr

    How to kill Castro:

    Step 1: Hand him an exploding cigar
    Step 2: Wait decades for him to die of old age

  11. PristineODummy

    Most of the other things they're #1 at, one can't mention in polite society. Oh, wait, this is Wonkette. Yeah, they're #1 at #1, too.

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    "Legalize Pot"

    I'm guessing that's the top search for WA, OR, CA and BC. I'm pretty sure most west coasters already have all their favorite porn sites bookmarked.

  13. OneDollarJuana

    Based on Glenn Beck's latest exclamations, I believe he's moving to Ol' Miss after his last show.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    There is nothing like good free gay porn featuring God. No one can beat his cock.

  15. weejee

    For Haley Barbour to come out of the closet would first require that he be able to fit in it in the first place. Must have some reeeeealy big closets in Mississippi.

  16. user-of-owls

    Google: Fail

    They disaggregated categories that should have been left together. All them fabulous yokels are searching for Free Gay God Porn.

  17. KathrynSane

    If someone would just make hot gay Bible porn, it would cover both bases. I mean, Jesus had a pretty bangin' body, if the crucifixes at my old Catholic school were anything to go by.

    (note: Bible porn probably already exists due to Rule 34 and all. I'm not going to check because I don't particularly want that in my search history at work.)

    1. SorosBot

      Hell, parts of the Bible are porn; check out the incest scene between Lot and his daughters, or the Song of Solomon.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It isn't bad that people in Mississippi are hypocrites. It's bad that they are cheap hypocrites.

  19. TheSheriffsNear

    Hey, that's not fair. Just this year we passed Arkansas to become 41st in the prevention of rickets!

  20. horsedreamer_1

    Vermont, Rhode Island, Nevada — not much interested in God, but love not to pay for things.

  21. elviouslyqueer

    *weeps tears of joy* I'm so damn proud of my state. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go purge my internet cache forever.

    1. Giveusabob

      Pretty sure Google won't be clearing its cache of you anytime soon. Don't be too surprised if the ads in your Gmail seem to have taken on a noticeably back-door-ish-y, penetrating theme of late.

      Google just wants to know it's there for you, when you need it.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      elviously, I'm so proud for you. Lately, all we do is beat up (heh) on your home state! Thanks for your contribution!

  22. Serolf_Divad

    "Way to go, Missasloppy! You are #1 at something! "

    Correction: #1 at something other than obesity.

  23. Sassomatic

    Free Gay Porn I can understand Googling. But why would you Google God? That is not what "searching for God" means. God is in one of those cages you built for him on every corner.

    1. DahBoner

      They wanted to see if God's website still had that "Under Construction" sign on it…

  24. JoshuaNorton

    Honey get the strap on -the black one- and don't forget to dress like a fireman..and – oh yes, don't show those nasty tits of yours.

  25. ganmerlad

    Porn/God is a viscous cycle. Look up porn, feel guilty, look up God feel better, feeling better now so look up porn, etc. This is why I say "if you want to look at squishy bits, cut out the middle man."

    1. tessiee

      I usually don't go for the spelling nitpicks, but this?

      "Porn/God is a viscous cycle"

      Something that is "viscous" is wet, slippery, and sticky — like raw egg white, hand lotion, or similar substances.

      I don't know whether you meant to say "vicious cycle", or whether you intentionally typed "viscous" — but either way, best/worst pun of the week.

  26. Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

    Not surprisingly, Kentucky is right behind Mississippi (see what I did there?).

    Both states – hell, the whole fucking country for that matter – are full of closeted rural gheyz. One man's redneck biker/construction worker is another man's bear…

    1. proudgrampa

      'closeted rural gheyz"

      Does this mean that a cattle prod isn't what we think it is???

  27. Billmatic

    I make sure to represent Texas correct by searching for "free gay god porn" every 15 mins.

  28. horsedreamer_1

    The next feature-length South Park movie will include Muhammad getting facialized.

  29. Grief_Lessons

    Seriously, the guy who made that graph deserves a better class of comment thread than what he gets over there.

    Maybe recruit as new Wonkette Jr?

  30. poorgradstudent

    To be fair, I'm sure the majority of searches are done by Real Christians looking to remind themselves why they hate the queers so much.

    1. SorosBot

      Looking and getting all worked up and angry over all that filthy, wicked gay sex, to the point where they start sweating and panting and eventually just explode.

  31. elburritodeluxe

    Superior school systems, readily available prenatal care and better nutrition means that those of us in low-scoring states have the intelligence to find gay porn without a google search.

  32. proudgrampa

    I am no expert, but I'll bet "slave gay porn" would yield even more interesting results.

  33. poorgradstudent

    Oh, off-topic, but it's pretty hilarious that our downfister is going after even the anti-Obama comments from the last liveblogging Obama post.

  34. mourningnmerica

    These two came in right behind the search for "can my sister get pregnant if I leave the light on?".

  35. Warpde

    Wow!
    That title.
    "Haley Barbour and Other Comical Racist White Villains With Dumb Accents vs. Poor Black People Forever."
    Took me about as long to read as the title
    "Bristol Palin. Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Duh!. Who's got the Hard cocky edition? I really need it now. Well actually, I need it alotta hard cocky. Wanna be a daddy? I'm running out of shit to write about." title.

    But I regress.
    Free Gay Porn?
    Here I thought it would be "Free Sister Brother Cousin Mother Father Deliverance Gay Love'n Porn".

    1. tessiee

      "Took me about as long to read as the title
      "Bristol Palin. Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Duh!. Who's got the Hard cocky edition? I really need it now. Well actually, I need it alotta hard cocky. Wanna be a daddy? I'm running out of shit to write about." title."

      However long it took you, it was an efficient use of your time, because the title is also the actual content of the book itself.

  36. fuflans

    oh snap MS!!

    in honor of gay pride in chicago which i sadly cannot attend this year, i will circulate this too too fabulous chart.

  37. Negropolis

    Check out Alabama. Hot damn!

    BTW, what's up with the Mormon states? It seems that they teach their children that if you so much as search gay porn, you'll catch on fire. That's the only thing that explains it. Well, that, or they've already bookmarked their favorite gay porn sites.

  38. TheTimChannel

    For the record. One of the poorest counties in the nation has the best internet access in the entire United States. I know because I helped install it five years ago. There are mobile homes in Roxie Mississippi that have dedicated fiber optic connections for television, phone and internet. It's all paid for out of a huge slush fund for rural telephone installations. And apparently they're using it to access God and gay porn.

    1. tessiee

      *ponders*
      Try as I might, I cannot for the life of me figure out whether this is A GOOD THING or A BAD THING.

      Also, is Roxie, MS populated entirely by gum-chewing, wisecracking diner waitresses?

  39. TheTimChannel

    Since the rest of you probably had the good sense not to waste a quarter century of your life living in Mississippi, I'll forgive you for not including VD in your list of top Mississippi accomplishments.
    Enjoy.

    1. tessiee

      We don't have closets here, we have armoires

      Not wardrobes, boudoirs, garde-mangers, or beignets?

  40. comrad_darkness

    Forget the porn, these people are so confused they are searching for God on the Internet. That's so pathetic. Buddha, where are you? Buddha? Buddha?

  41. zhubajie

    As an Alabamian once told me, re Faulkner, "If you lived in a place like Oxford, Mississippi, you'd drink too."

    1. Barrelhse

      Everybody's got there heads bowed down
      Sun don't shine above the ground
      Better stay away from Oxford town.

  42. An_Outhouse

    What do people in Minnesota search for since they're not searching free gay porn or God?

Comments are closed.