MISSISSIPPI FOR THE WIN  1:27 pm June 24, 2011

Mississippi Wins Coveted Free Gay Porn/God Google Search Prize

by Wonkette Jr.

We apologize to our Wonkette Operative from Mississippi.Mississippi is a book by William Faulkner that somehow turned into a dumb reality show called Haley Barbour and Other Comical Racist White Villains With Dumb Accents vs. Poor Black People Forever. And ever since the nation’s poorest, most obese and reliably Republican-voting state got Internet access last year, the main thing the people of Mississippi have been looking for, on the ‘puter, is “free gay porn” and “God.” In that order.

Florida, as you can see and as can be expected, surpassed Mississippi in overall searches-by-state for Free Gay Porn, but failed to top Haley Barbour’s state in the essential “post-jacking off” search for God. (In Florida, that secondary search is “Kill Castro.”)

This website called Calamities of Nature produced a wonderful chart that everybody should hang up on the wall in Mississippi, based on Google search data. Who knew Google was keeping tabs on everything anybody did, anywhere? Oh wait, we already knew that. [Calamities of Nature via Wonkette operative "Gerald W."]

 
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{ 120 comments }

nounverb911 June 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Needs more Southern Fried Santorum.

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

No matter how deep in the closet they can go in Tunica, the out-gays in South Beach can go deeper.

Negropolis June 25, 2011 at 1:20 am

Ha!

metamarcisf June 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Mississippi proves it's adept at more than just snake handling and dumpster diving.

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Ooh, you lost all your negative pness.

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Back to -97.

I still say he should (faux) grovel to the Breitards, to get his commenting privilege at their site restored, though. Need to be back at -100 & below.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 25, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Faux the BrightFarts… there must be other wingnut forums where meta can post downfitstable facts.

SayItWithWookies June 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Hey, Alabama and Tennessee actually have more searches for god than they do for free gay porn. Of course, the unlikelihood that Alabamans and Tennesseeans could type three words in a row without a typo probably drives that statistic somewhat.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Ya, we need numbers on "Fere Gya Norp" too. For science.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

"the unlikelihood that Alabamans and Tennesseeans could type three words in a row without a typo"

Of course, their chubby little lard-fed fingers usually strike at least two keys at a time, so there is that.

simplyblue7 June 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Free loading Mississippi…gay porn is to be bought!

Rarian Rakista June 24, 2011 at 3:07 pm

That's Utah, where their Mormon training kicks in, porn people are people too and must be given money and so they are the #1 actual money spending Americans when it comes to porn purchasing, which I personally have not done since I was 17.

AJWjr. June 24, 2011 at 4:08 pm

As long as the pr0n producers are also Mormon 10% goes back to SLC, so bonus!

Come here a minute June 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Mississippi also ranks high on the list of searches for "anus burgers".

No, I am not going to Google that.

edgydrifter June 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Fumbling for your half-chub somewhere beneath your sweating gut, cranking one out to twenty-second clips of hairless assmasters and then weeping softly and praying for Jesus to forgive you before you go slap around your kids–Friday night in Mississippi sounds AWESOME!

GOPCrusher June 24, 2011 at 5:21 pm

USA! USA! USA!

Dashboard_Jesus June 25, 2011 at 2:45 am

you are so many kinds of awesome, made the baby jeebus weep…(does searching for Sarah Palin porn make one gay also, too?)

ifthethunderdontgetya June 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Mississippi Burning Flaming!
~

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Mississippi Flaming

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Hey, no fair!

ifthethunderdontgetya June 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

It would seem I managed to edit that just before you managed to reply.

What do I win?
~

jaytingle June 24, 2011 at 1:36 pm

I won't feel we've moved Mississippi into the new century until her citizens become able to pay for gay porn.

SheriffRoscoe June 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Paying? If they're paying for free internet porn, they're even stupider than we thought.

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Between your comment & your avatar, I cannot help but think of the highway cop in Little Miss Sunshine who pulled over the family station-wagon, then found the gay and straight porn in the back.

KeepFnThatChicken June 24, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I won't feel we've moved Mississippi into South America.

better?

emmelemm June 24, 2011 at 3:00 pm

The only way they'd be able to pay for their gay porn is if we funnel more tax subsidies their way. I say: No.

AJWjr. June 24, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Yeah, but talk about stimulus!

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 1:22 pm

In fairness, they're still all a-tingle from having recently outlawed slavery, so let's give them a moment to recover from that.

Negropolis June 26, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Mississippi we'll first have to be brought to the 20th century, before we can bring them to this new one.

rocktonsam June 24, 2011 at 1:36 pm

just when you thought the poor schools and the racists weren't enough in Mississippi

freakishlywrong June 24, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Poor Mississippi. Obese, with the dibeedus, Republican and deeply in the closet. They must search for "God" immediately after to escape the shame spiral.

"Must", stupid, "must"

GregComlish June 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

In fairness, Florida's rank is much lower once you adjust for Charlie Christ.

OC_Surf_Serf June 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

..whatcha lookin' at? God just told me to see what those heathens are doin'…

LabRodent June 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

As long as it wasn't Black Gay Porn. Stay Classy Mississippi

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Blackdraft, you mean?

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

And yet again, we proud Arkansans gleefully proclaim our official state motto:

Thank god for Mississippi*

*On account of the fact that we're always either 49th (in the good categories) or 2nd (in the horrible ones).

SpurningBeer June 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

You're number 3 in God searches, brother.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I'd look to see where we are on the Jah searches, but I fear the results would be contaminated by the cross-pollination with a search for, "Tell me where da cheap lard is at, would'jah?"

Billmatic June 24, 2011 at 2:42 pm

And Texas is always 1st in the horrible ones. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

genxr June 24, 2011 at 1:41 pm

How to kill Castro:

Step 1: Hand him an exploding cigar
Step 2: Wait decades for him to die of old age

SorosBot June 24, 2011 at 1:41 pm

So will Mississippi change it's nickname to "the closet state" now?

SpurningBeer June 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I note that Alaska was second-lowest in searches for "God," and in the bottom half-dozen Red States in searches for "free gay porn.

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

That's what the North Slope is for!

(It's like being a pirate.)

PristineODummy June 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Most of the other things they're #1 at, one can't mention in polite society. Oh, wait, this is Wonkette. Yeah, they're #1 at #1, too.

Lascauxcaveman June 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

"Legalize Pot"

I'm guessing that's the top search for WA, OR, CA and BC. I'm pretty sure most west coasters already have all their favorite porn sites bookmarked.

OneDollarJuana June 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Based on Glenn Beck's latest exclamations, I believe he's moving to Ol' Miss after his last show.

SudsMcKenzie June 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Today we are a missississipeans

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

There is nothing like good free gay porn featuring God. No one can beat his cock.

weejee June 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm

For Haley Barbour to come out of the closet would first require that he be able to fit in it in the first place. Must have some reeeeealy big closets in Mississippi.

elviouslyqueer June 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Hey, they don't call it "busting up a chiffarobe" for nothing, bub.

emmelemm June 24, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I love you.

weejee June 24, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Looks like they didn't kill all the Mockingbirds ;=)

Negropolis June 25, 2011 at 1:29 am

Sharp!

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

DUH WALK-INS SUBLIMATING.

user-of-owls June 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Google: Fail

They disaggregated categories that should have been left together. All them fabulous yokels are searching for Free Gay God Porn.

KathrynSane June 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm

If someone would just make hot gay Bible porn, it would cover both bases. I mean, Jesus had a pretty bangin' body, if the crucifixes at my old Catholic school were anything to go by.

(note: Bible porn probably already exists due to Rule 34 and all. I'm not going to check because I don't particularly want that in my search history at work.)

SorosBot June 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Hell, parts of the Bible are porn; check out the incest scene between Lot and his daughters, or the Song of Solomon.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm

It isn't bad that people in Mississippi are hypocrites. It's bad that they are cheap hypocrites.

TheSheriffsNear June 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Hey, that's not fair. Just this year we passed Arkansas to become 41st in the prevention of rickets!

Chet Kincaid June 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Oh, Nevada. So far from God, so close to Free Gay Porn.

AJWjr. June 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I dunno, the town I'm near has way more churches than whorehouses…

Radiotherapy® June 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Jose Cuervo…..free gay porn.

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Vermont, Rhode Island, Nevada — not much interested in God, but love not to pay for things.

elviouslyqueer June 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

*weeps tears of joy* I'm so damn proud of my state. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go purge my internet cache forever.

Giveusabob June 24, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Pretty sure Google won't be clearing its cache of you anytime soon. Don't be too surprised if the ads in your Gmail seem to have taken on a noticeably back-door-ish-y, penetrating theme of late.

Google just wants to know it's there for you, when you need it.

HistoriCat June 24, 2011 at 2:31 pm

In other words "Giving up on gay men?"

Nothingisamiss June 24, 2011 at 4:18 pm

elviously, I'm so proud for you. Lately, all we do is beat up (heh) on your home state! Thanks for your contribution!

weejee June 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Can't wait for the Yoknapatawpha County pride festival with Jeebus drag queens.

DerrickWildcat June 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Maybe if they'd get a job they could buy gay Porn like all the other American God fearin' flag wavin' patriots.

Serolf_Divad June 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

"Way to go, Missasloppy! You are #1 at something! "

Correction: #1 at something other than obesity.

SorosBot June 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

And poverty and illiteracy too.

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Mary Magdalene was really an hermaphrodite.

elviouslyqueer June 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I would bet good money the ISP for these searches all came from our friends down in Tupelo.

weejee June 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

The heirs to Elvis? Shocking, just shocking!

Sassomatic June 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Free Gay Porn I can understand Googling. But why would you Google God? That is not what "searching for God" means. God is in one of those cages you built for him on every corner.

DahBoner June 24, 2011 at 7:10 pm

They wanted to see if God's website still had that "Under Construction" sign on it…

JoshuaNorton June 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Honey get the strap on -the black one- and don't forget to dress like a fireman..and – oh yes, don't show those nasty tits of yours.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 24, 2011 at 2:12 pm

"God", "NASCAR" and "titties"

You mean the Holy Trinity?
~

bflrtsplk June 24, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Heckuva job, Haley.

DerrickWildcat June 24, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Mississippians: Not afraid of life…or free gay porn.

JoshuaNorton June 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

You can't take the "sissy" out of Mississippi.

elviouslyqueer June 24, 2011 at 3:19 pm

That's what Kevin Sessums said.

ganmerlad June 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Porn/God is a viscous cycle. Look up porn, feel guilty, look up God feel better, feeling better now so look up porn, etc. This is why I say "if you want to look at squishy bits, cut out the middle man."

tessiee June 26, 2011 at 11:23 am

I usually don't go for the spelling nitpicks, but this?

"Porn/God is a viscous cycle"

Something that is "viscous" is wet, slippery, and sticky — like raw egg white, hand lotion, or similar substances.

I don't know whether you meant to say "vicious cycle", or whether you intentionally typed "viscous" — but either way, best/worst pun of the week.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 24, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Not surprisingly, Kentucky is right behind Mississippi (see what I did there?).

Both states – hell, the whole fucking country for that matter – are full of closeted rural gheyz. One man's redneck biker/construction worker is another man's bear…

proudgrampa June 24, 2011 at 3:26 pm

'closeted rural gheyz"

Does this mean that a cattle prod isn't what we think it is???

Billmatic June 24, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I make sure to represent Texas correct by searching for "free gay god porn" every 15 mins.

horsedreamer_1 June 24, 2011 at 2:42 pm

The next feature-length South Park movie will include Muhammad getting facialized.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 24, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I would have figured Mississippi to be a bestiality state.

GregComlish June 24, 2011 at 5:00 pm

It might be, we should check that on Google Analytics

Grief_Lessons June 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Seriously, the guy who made that graph deserves a better class of comment thread than what he gets over there.

Maybe recruit as new Wonkette Jr?

owhatever June 24, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Oh, Bubba, quit playing without yourself. That's your sister's job.

poorgradstudent June 24, 2011 at 2:57 pm

To be fair, I'm sure the majority of searches are done by Real Christians looking to remind themselves why they hate the queers so much.

SorosBot June 24, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Looking and getting all worked up and angry over all that filthy, wicked gay sex, to the point where they start sweating and panting and eventually just explode.

elburritodeluxe June 24, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Superior school systems, readily available prenatal care and better nutrition means that those of us in low-scoring states have the intelligence to find gay porn without a google search.

proudgrampa June 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I am no expert, but I'll bet "slave gay porn" would yield even more interesting results.

GOPCrusher June 24, 2011 at 5:26 pm

BRING IN THE GIMP!

poorgradstudent June 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Oh, off-topic, but it's pretty hilarious that our downfister is going after even the anti-Obama comments from the last liveblogging Obama post.

mourningnmerica June 24, 2011 at 3:30 pm

These two came in right behind the search for "can my sister get pregnant if I leave the light on?".

Warpde June 24, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Wow!
That title.
"Haley Barbour and Other Comical Racist White Villains With Dumb Accents vs. Poor Black People Forever."
Took me about as long to read as the title
"Bristol Palin. Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Duh!. Who's got the Hard cocky edition? I really need it now. Well actually, I need it alotta hard cocky. Wanna be a daddy? I'm running out of shit to write about." title.

But I regress.
Free Gay Porn?
Here I thought it would be "Free Sister Brother Cousin Mother Father Deliverance Gay Love'n Porn".

tessiee June 26, 2011 at 11:30 am

"Took me about as long to read as the title
"Bristol Palin. Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. Duh!. Who's got the Hard cocky edition? I really need it now. Well actually, I need it alotta hard cocky. Wanna be a daddy? I'm running out of shit to write about." title."

However long it took you, it was an efficient use of your time, because the title is also the actual content of the book itself.

fuflans June 24, 2011 at 4:00 pm

oh snap MS!!

in honor of gay pride in chicago which i sadly cannot attend this year, i will circulate this too too fabulous chart.

GOPCrusher June 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm

They weren't already #1 at pregnancies caused by incentuous relations?

ttommyunger June 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Once again, Ole Miss makes me feel a little better about living in Georgia.

Negropolis June 25, 2011 at 1:18 am

Check out Alabama. Hot damn!

BTW, what's up with the Mormon states? It seems that they teach their children that if you so much as search gay porn, you'll catch on fire. That's the only thing that explains it. Well, that, or they've already bookmarked their favorite gay porn sites.

zhubajie June 27, 2011 at 6:54 am

I'm surprised no one has invented a Gay Mormon Church!

TheTimChannel June 25, 2011 at 10:28 am

For the record. One of the poorest counties in the nation has the best internet access in the entire United States. I know because I helped install it five years ago. There are mobile homes in Roxie Mississippi that have dedicated fiber optic connections for television, phone and internet. It's all paid for out of a huge slush fund for rural telephone installations. And apparently they're using it to access God and gay porn.

tessiee June 26, 2011 at 11:32 am

*ponders*
Try as I might, I cannot for the life of me figure out whether this is A GOOD THING or A BAD THING.

Also, is Roxie, MS populated entirely by gum-chewing, wisecracking diner waitresses?

TheTimChannel June 25, 2011 at 10:31 am

Since the rest of you probably had the good sense not to waste a quarter century of your life living in Mississippi, I'll forgive you for not including VD in your list of top Mississippi accomplishments.
Enjoy.

tessiee June 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm

???
I thought Alaska was #1 at VD.
Fight! Fight! Fight!!

moar_plz June 25, 2011 at 2:11 pm

It worked for Pete Townshend.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Shiny turtles FTW.

TheTimChannel June 25, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Just did the research. Mississippi is number one in Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. Louisiana is first in syphilis. http://www.avert.org/std-statistics-america.htm

Camaro Nova June 26, 2011 at 7:13 am

Thank God I did my part helping Louisiana into the top 5!!! We don't have closets here, we have armoires, and most of them are very big!

tessiee June 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

We don't have closets here, we have armoires

Not wardrobes, boudoirs, garde-mangers, or beignets?

comrad_darkness June 26, 2011 at 10:57 am

Forget the porn, these people are so confused they are searching for God on the Internet. That's so pathetic. Buddha, where are you? Buddha? Buddha?

zhubajie June 27, 2011 at 6:51 am

As an Alabamian once told me, re Faulkner, "If you lived in a place like Oxford, Mississippi, you'd drink too."

Barrelhse June 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Everybody's got there heads bowed down
Sun don't shine above the ground
Better stay away from Oxford town.

MaxNeanderthal June 27, 2011 at 6:12 pm

'tis the holy day – for muslins….

An_Outhouse March 15, 2012 at 7:34 pm

What do people in Minnesota search for since they're not searching free gay porn or God?

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