Rick Perry probably gets points just for going in front of a Latino crowd that was likely to be hostile to him (just kidding, no he doesn’t). But instead of just yelling racial slurs or “GO BACK TO MEHEECO” or any of those standard illiterate things that Texas GOP politicians cry out in their sleep or doodle in the margins of their draft anti-immigration bills, Rick got up and tried for once to win some of them over now that he maybe would like their presidential votes. How does Rick Perry woo Latino voters? …With jokes about Jose Cuervo! Get it? The Mexican-speaking people, they all love crappy tequila so much they name their kids after it? No, nobody laughed at that one.
From the AP:
Gov. Rick Perry received a tepid response when he addressed the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials on Thursday, joking about the pronunciation of a Hispanic appointee’s last name and frequently staring blankly at the audience when they failed to respond to his conservative applause lines.
In his defense, Hispanic politicians had earlier spoken passionately against his policies, deriding them as hurtful to Hispanics. Perry chose to ignore those topics and instead touted his appointments of the first Hispanic women to serve as secretary of state and to both of the state’s highest courts.
But a joke about how perfect it was to appoint Jose Cuevas to the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission because his name sounds like Jose Cuervo — a brand of tequila — fell flat. Perry struggled to regain his confidence as he described Texas as a land of opportunity.
Poor Rick Perry. These people are just way too politically correct. [AP]
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Aaaaaaaaand… once again, Rethuglicans show just how in-tune they are with the fastest growing demographic in the country.
Their Koch-ish playbook tells them that they can simply buy off the minorities they need to stay in power. But that same playbook is so transparently full of Hate, Malice, and Class Warfare that it cannot work.
As Churchill said: "This is not the end. This is not even the beginning of the end. But it is the end of the beginning."
You wanted End Times? Welcome to the Whig Party End Times, Teabagging Republicans!
We can laugh about it now, but who'll be laughing when the first Latino elected President of the United States is George P. Bush? He's already been in the Navy and posed for lots of pictures in Iraq.
He'll start a (literal) war with the National Education Association "because they tried to (politically) kill his dad", too.
GPB will win the presidency when he can perfect the the science of wiping people's memories, 'cause this country won't be electing any more Republican Bushes to the presidency for a very long time, if ever.
"You people…"
Nailed the intro BTF.
What do you mean YOU people?
"What do you mean YOU people?"
One of my favorite scenes from "Snakes on a Plane" (there's so much good stuff, it's hard to pick a favorite, but anyway), is when the chief cop, played by Samuel L. Jackson, commandeers the entire First Class section to transport a prisoner.
Stewardess, played by Juliana Marguiles [sp?]: You know, you people think you can come in here and do whatever you want, and then WE have to deal with a bunch of pissed-off rich people who got kicked out of their seats!
Samuel L. Jackson [raising one eyebrow]: "YOU people'?
Stewardess [with pearl-clutching indignation]: *Gasp!* I did NOT!! mean that!
The usual response for such a lame joke is “don’t quit your day job” but in this case I think most people wish he would.
Among the day laborers, that's another line that's bound to fall flat.
Cuervo? Cuervo?! That filth? Patrón or GTFO, you cheap Texas bastard.
deit: I will make exception for El Ultimo Agave. That shit is tasty!
Corzo, and I don't even drink!
Fuck that overpriced Patron is for las turistas! Saca la Herradura vato!
Oh, like Rick Fucking Perry is supposed to know squat about whatever them feeelthy brown people drink.
Since he's going to be Willard Romney's VP, these gaffes help his cause. Gotta have a #2 who knows how to misspeak. Makes the top of the ticket look better.
Headline on the election:
Obama Parries Romney.
Awwww. Poor Rick, now you know how preznit Obama feels.
Those people who don't like you? They will never, ever like you. Deal with it.
You say Cuevas, I say Cuervo…Rick, let's call the whole thing off.
Tomatoe, tomato, potatoe, potato…
Well, Cuevas actually means "caves", so he probably should have said he will appoint him to the Texas Pussy Commission …
That's O.K., Rick.
You'll slay 'em with your Jesus joke.
~
"So, whataya call a Messican babtism…?"
Why did Jesus die on the cross?
He forgot his safe word.
Too soon?
It's never too soon for S&M jokes about Da Man (or in this case, Da ghod).
@ GT[R] – too soon? Wrong forum, the "Free Gay Porn" and "God" Internets story is a later posting on Wonkette.
Wait until he finds out that the national anthem actually starts out as "Jose`, can you see…."
Too bad nobody told the people who made death-threats against Jose Feliciano after his "Star-Spangled Banner" at the '68 World Series.
Teach the Controversy!
No, that's ours. His starts "I wish I was in de land ob cotton…"
"Perry struggled to regain his confidence" after realizing he was a complete douchebag and always had been.
Then cleared the room by firing his gun in the air.
As he whooped, "Don't bring a knife to a gunfight, pendejos".
Like Sarah Palin experienced on her smartz bus tour, it must be hard to step out of the ass-kissing bubble.
i wish there was video of this. or maybe there is and i am too drunk and lazy to look it up.
Rick Perry is still (slightly) funnier than George Lopez.
Lopez is much funnier than Carlos Mencia.
I've had stools funnier than Carlos Mencia.
He also has jokes that aren't ripped off from other, better comics.
Carlos Mencia has probably already stolen Rick Perry's joke.
Why didn't Good Hair just appoint Dos Equis' World's Most Interesting Man?
"When in Rome, they do as he does."
"I don't always vote Republican but when I do, I prefer someone who won't tell me stupid jokes."
Anyone else's schaden kind of freuding at the borderline hostility and outright terrible poll numbers that these horrible assholes are generating? Teatarded governance laid bare.
"This makes no sense. Why would people be upset at our taking away their most basic rights, freedoms, and necessities? They should greet us as liberators!"
I for one would love the chance to pelt them with flowers and candy. Or pie. Or glitter. Or dog shit.
Or grenades.
is this true? are they really?
Who votes for these cretins? Diebold can't be blamed for everything. (Nearly, but still.)
Juan, Two, Three O'clock, Four O' clock, Rock!
Hire me, Rick.
I can't do any worse than the shlubs you've got now, amirite?
~
GO for it, thunder!
And Rick, try this one, Todos de ustedes son hijos de putas. They're only 30 of the Tejas population.
You know what's funny about Rick Perry trying to woo a roomful of latinos? He sounds like Rick Perdido — in every sense of the word.
"Land of opportunity," sure. At least he didn't try to send his tacos back for not being bent correctly….
Also, Gov. Muffinhead sounds a little too much like another swaggering incompetent Governor of Tejas. And yes. It's TOO SOON.
Dude, I can't look at his squinty, piggy little eyes without thinking of that other BUFFOON.
So not only is Rick a bigot, he's also stupid and thinks a crowd of Latinos is going to react like a bunch of teabaggers; um, no.
Pinche Ricardo Perez…this does reminde me of an old joke, though:
Q: Why did Republicans kill Jesus?
A: Because he tried to cross the border.
Because he provided free heath care.
That's nothing to Joker about — heath OD'd. Um something something ledger.
[edit: I can't wake up today. I apologize in advance for my jokes being worse than usual. Or more properly: "I am sorry if none of you motherfuckers have enough sense of humour to find my jokes funny." There, a proper conservative apology to make it better.]
Must be something going around. I can't spel today.
I am sure a guy like Rick has already regained his confidence. Do they ever lose it?
Psychopaths don't need no stinking public approbation.
Narcissistic sociopaths more likely. Instead of introspection with think bubbles above their heads saying, "Is there something wrong with me?" it's saying, "What's their problem?"
Those People never think they've done or said anything wrong.
The fact that they spend their lives surrounded by bought and paid for ass-kissers only exacerbates a mindset that's instilled in them at birth.
Well, if Neut's goings to get The Blacks to vote for him, Perry has to find his own voting bloc to try and pander to in a manner that would be pathetic if he weren't so odious.
I was most encouraged by the line in the NYT that said many of the officials at the event had never heard of Perry. Pretty good for the longest-serving gubnuh of the goddamn state, wouldn't you say?
Those Wetback Americans sure aren't helping the whole civility of our national discourse.
So, when does Juan Valdez become Secretary of Coffee?
He should have started off with an anchor babies joke and then gone into Jose Cuervo for hilarity to ensue.
Rick, get out of the closet or GTFO….
SE MEJORARA.
Well, that's about what I'd expect from someone who prays for rain.
"I just walked here from Juarez, and boy, is my back wet."
It was raining in Juarez and it's Eastertime, too?
But were you lost?
Also works as a gay joke! Man, that Rick Perry is a genius.
As a follow up, hold a chihuahua puppy above your head and scream ""¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" at the top of your voice next time you speak to Latino voters.
The crowd goes wild, throwing their giant sombreros in the air…
Um, not to be too nitpicky or anything, but probably more like "throwing their tacos at the speaker."
Now i just want to touch his but.
With a cricket bat, maybe.
But what? You didn't finish.
What a Marxist thing to say.
Oh hush you Grouch-o.
frequently staring blankly at the audience when they failed to respond to his conservative applause lines
Pro tip: Don't play your bagger material to people who aren't illiterate racists.
I seem to recall that the blank stare was a key rhetorical device for a previous Texas Governor as well.
He has hair that speaks for itself.
He can step on his dick in front of a room of Hispanic leaders.
He is—The World's Least Interesting Dumbass.
I don't always get laughs, but when I do, they're at my expense. Stay classy, my friends.
Awesome.
You have won the late morning or early afternoon, depending on your time zone.
Road kill has a week devoted to him.
Surprised he didn't try to gain their approval by mentioning how much he loves Taco Bell.
OH MY GOD! National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials? How the hell did those browns get elected and appointed? And they're ORGANIZED!?!! Next they'll be wanting to UNIONIZE!1!!
Rick needs to call in the National Guard. Pronto.
NAoLEaAO? Worst acronym evar!
It might be difficult to pronounce, but it can be yodeled!
Drat and blast, those libunatics and the tyranous oppression of their "political correctness" and the lamestream "gotcha" media also, too, misusing those precious first amendment rights our troops are fighting for over there, too as well dontcha know.
My compliments. For a moment there, I couldn't tell if I was listening to Sarah or Michele.
"All of them, Katie?" Am I doing that right?
Uh, sure. Yes. Absolutely. (Runs away at high speed.)
NEEDZ MOAR DEMOCRATIC PLANTATION!
" Perry chose to ignore those topics and instead touted his appointments of the first Hispanic women to serve as secretary of state and to both of the state’s highest courts"
I'm not racist! My secretary of state is Hispanic! It's not my fault that the other officials keep asking her for her papers.
He has a really funny one about how much Latinos love Manuel Labor, but he just hasn't found anyone with that name yet.
He could try looking for hose-a and hose-b…
True. But enough about his homosexuality.
Ooooooh….Tough crowd.
(tugs collar)
Rick, como te gusta mi pinga, also?
Shouldn't there be something in there about "en tu boca," also, too?
This is why I love these Wonkettes. I come for the entertainment and get the education.
My Spanish is near-nonexistent, but did you just tell him to eat a bowl of dicks?
Circle of Life, as the GOP was born from the Free-Soil renegades of the… Whig Party.
&, now, you know — the rest of the story.
Come on, people.
Rick Perry loves Doritos as much as anybody else.
~
Oh, please Ricky, run. This is shaping up to be the best field of goopers yet. Let's see so far we have Frothy the Shitstain, Batshit Crazy Lady, Hippie Grandpa, Some Black Guy, Some White Guy, Some Vile, Fat White Guy, coupla Mormon White Guys but we still need Stupid Southern Accent Guy.
I nominate Louie Gohlmert
Looks like you got your pness back. Just this morning you were at 0.
Oh God, I borderline love him, in an "I cannot believe anyone would vote for this dopy cunt " kind of way.
I saw that guy on Cooper's show the other night, and boy, if he wasn't more cartoonish than I remember. It was like Zell Miller-meets-Chris Matthews, minus the challenge to a duel.
Just wait until he address the NAACP!
"Oh! So this is not a teletubbies fan club?"
He'll think it's Comicon & ask why everyone showed up as Lando Calrissian.
Great photo, but shouldn't he be wearing a codpiece?
He IS a codpiece.
Rick Perry is nothing but a pendajo.
And Rick, if you want some real tequila, come buy my house and have some Herradura Silver. While you're here, let's talk about how you and the Lt. Governor failed to have the balls to spend $4 billion from our Rainy Day fund to completely fund education.
No mescan in his/her right mind would drink Cuervo (try Herradura, joto maricon! ). Clearly Perry is out of touch with the latino community.
Right? When we think Cuervo we usually think of some gringo 17-year old kid having his first and only tequila related puke-fest.
Pues, Chinaco Anejo is so good, even Mexicans have never heard of it…
Rick Perry would never say touch and Latino in the same sentence. It freaks Republican voters out.
I would have gone with the classic Adam Sandler character…
"I got a snake man. One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way and that! It was all fucked up!"
Rick's obviously never seen History Of The World Part 1 which teaches would-be comics a valuable lesson with regards to knowing who their audience is.
"Did he say "big fat pig?""
The Elect Rick Perry Committee will meet in a month's time, and pray for Latino votes.
Beban mis copitas, hijos de puta!
Well that went over like a fart in church.
I must be old because I can remember how well Jimmy Carter's Montezuma's Revenge joke went over with the Messicans. Rick Perry=Jimmy Carter. Ouch.
'Gov. Rick Perry addressed the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials on Thursday'
THAT was the joke.
"And which one of you is the Bandito who has been stealing my Fritos?"
(Crickets)
Jose Cuevas you are a friend of mine
I like to drink you with a little salt and lime
Did I kiss all the cowboys?
Did I shoot out the lights?
Did I dance on the bar?
Did I start a fight?
boy, they grow em dumb down there
I wish Molly was alive to see this also
Amen. I'm atheist, but Amen. What a gal.
I think "assholes" are still firmly the majority.
Ricky's cabana boy just may be in for a bit of a rough weekend.
The man is a comic genius. I assume he finished with something about taking on the whole burrito if you take on one bean. Man, that one would've killed with that crowd!
*What* it would have killed, we leave to your imagination.
Well Rick. Cheer up. God will be laughing at your "The Response” joke Aug.6.
Who needs Mehicans anyway? Right Georgia.
Video, goddamn it!!!!!!!!!!!
Texas = weird social experiment where racially homogenous reactionary population gets to live next door to growing minority population. Wackiness ensues.
Also, futuristic race wars. Also.
Texas: The only state to secede from two countries for White Racist practices.
WE QUIT FOR RACISM
WE DON'T BRAKE FOR EMANCIPATION
Because the guy you're dragging on the chain behind the truck done whips around on ya.
Talk about ghost, riding the whip.
I should really lose my Race Card for laughing at that one. Also, my eternal salvation card, too.
Qué más we have in common, amigos? Oh, you love to cross the border and I love to have my back wet.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again:
¡Chíngate, pendejo!
They shouldn't have hired a Rick Perry Impersonator for the event.
Wait, he actually DOES say shit like this?!
Jim Hightower blew the whole "Texas Miracle" right out of the Rio Grande.
http://www.jimhightower.com/node/7483
Additionally, he failed to point out that the foundation of the Texas economy is oil and gas. If Rick Perry can discover just as much in the remaining 48 (I'll grant him Alaska upfront) then as President he might have an outside chance of pulling it off.
The rest of the US is Israel. Moses spent 40 years in the desert and then founded a nation on the only patch of sand in the Middle East that didn't have oil.
Texas is our Saudi Arabia. In more ways than one…
I flew over Texas recently, and just could not believe how scarred the landscape of that state is by oil & gas production – just endless vistas of destruction.
In the east we have natural gas extracted by "fracking" (I hope that was spelled correctly) – injecting hot water into the well and forcing the natural gas out. You can imagine what that does to the area water supply.
Now the reactionaries want to extract oil from shale – at a gal. of water per gal. of oil produced, huge amounts of waste, etc., etc.
We've got to find a better way!
Ingrates. He should have appointed Jim Beam.
You know, it's so perfect that Rick Perry is governor of Texas, because, well, "Rick" sounds just like "Prick," and so, you know, that's…well… perfect… ahem…
Laugh, somebody.
Laugh, clown, laugh.
Ha. (slow clap) Ha. I'd laugh harder, but you've got a slightly larger p than me and I'm feeling insecure and jealous.
It ain't the angle of the dangle, it's the swing of the thing.
As with all math problems, please show your work, being sure to include the numbers for thrust of bust, mass of ass, and heat of meat.
Governor Rick Perry of Texas can't be the dumbest politician in all of Tejas, can he? It's a pretty big state.
Of course. Every 4 years they have a big contest and award the dumbest with the title of "Governor"
Well, there *is* Louie Gohmert. And isn't that Betty Brown Boob from TX too? The one who said Asians should change their names to something Americans can pronounce?
It has to be somebody!
Poor Rick (not gay) Perry: His whole point in appointing that messican dude was probably for this joke.*
*admittedly, the joke works better at GOP fundraisers where the only minorities that are there are the ones serving canapes.
HUR DUR ILL JUST COMPARE ONE SPIC'S NAME TO ANOTHER AND IT WILL BE COMEDY WIN!
But his hair was perfect.
Ah, but was he having a pina colada at Trader Vic's?
little old lady got mutilated late last night…
many 'p's' to you both.
And, really, in the end, isn't that all that matters?
All he had to do was close with "Life begin at conception!" and he'd have a standing ovation.
San Dimas High School football rules!
He hasn't got the right Angle on things. Yet.
Response from National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials:
"Did you hear about this guy, Rick Perry, who is a bigot, an idiot, and governor of Texas? It's probably good, because his name sounds like Dick Scary. You know how those white people name their kids! They are crazy!"
(White audience sits quietly)
So I guess none of the Latinos will be calling Perry Rico … Suave.
The Montezuma's Revenge joke fell flat as well.
Even pendejos like Rick Perry know better than to joke about Needless Markup.
*grillos*
"so anyway…did you know Cuervas has a hermano? his name is Hose B."
*grillos*
And to placate the audience he renamed himself Rick Pajero.
Rightards just don't understand humor; none of them. They just don't think anything can be funny unless someone they don't approve of is being denigrated in the process.
Krusty: I vow to reach out to the Latino community! Voy a vomitar en la tomba de tu madre!
(Crowd Gasps)
Bumblebee Man: Ay yi yi!
Krusty: What'd I say? What'd I say?
Bumblebee Man: You said you were going to vomit on their mothers' graves!
Krusty: Oh! So that's why my maid quit.
I love that this idiots absolutely have to court hispanic voters, now, if they expect to win. Again, how's that "Heritage not Hate" shit workin' out for you guys, GOP?
Welcome to Really Real America, guys. You know, the one where you all have to talk to everyone before you make decisions.
File this under Reason #1,463,095 why most minority voters are of leery of voting for Republicans.
WIN!
Sadly, this counts as an accomplishment for my
day today).week.Fixed it for ya.
Nah, I got a lot done this . . . fuck, you're right.
"staring blankly at the audience when they failed to respond to his conservative applause lines"
That's what happens when you venture outside of the echo chamber, huh?
I think Perry is their secret weapon.
After all, he'll make the Mitter look intelligent(er) and prove to his boys (not many girls, anyway) that he cares not a cheap glass of Tequila for minorities.
A winner!
So, how unfuckingbelievably stupid is Gov Goodhair?
I do not speak Spanish, but according to googletrans, cuervo = raven, while cuevas = caves. Now, surnames are mentally processed differently from ordinary nouns, but if you're trying to make a joke based on sound similarity, you need to have similarity of meaning as well as sound (or perhaps antonymy, but some semantic connection).
Cuevas and cuervo don't actually sound very much alike (apply, applause), and their meanings are totally unrelated.
Ergo, a hopeless joke. What a douche.
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