Street-wise Newt Gingrich is the most hip, in-touch guy who ever came up with an idea for winning. Really! Take this latest one: the Obama guy is screwing up so hard employing African-American voters that they are about to defect straight into Newt’s sweaty little red fingers. That is how it works, right? Black people vote for Republicans when Democrats don’t give them jobs? This will be the kind of shrewd political calculus that will save his undead presidential campaign from that last hurtling pickaxe of zombie death to the heart, because Newt will, in his own words, “have the courage to walk into that neighborhood” and convince that guy in that neighborhood (Newt means “the black neighborhood”) that Newt will give him a job.
TalkingPointsMemo reports:
Here’s how the line works: Obama is the food stamp president, Gingrich says, whereas he wants to be the paycheck president. The difference comes down to creating jobs or not, and Gingrich says he knows how to create them.
And that’s where the black vote comes in.
“No administration in modern times has failed younger blacks more than the Obama administration,” Gingrich said.
He explained that “in May, we had 41% unemployment among black teenagers in America.” That means if Republicans can put on a brave face, they might be able to turn the African American vote their way.
It is a good thing that Newt’s campaign staff have all jumped ship, so that Newt does not have to worry about someone holding him back on all these great ideas. Oh yeah, Newt said that his campaign staff all hated him for being “very different,” because he is like the dork at school everyone hates for being so super insane smart that they can’t stand him, and also 13 Reagan staffers quit in 1980 or something, whatever, Newt is Reagan and your next black president. [TPM/AP]
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Ahhhh, so that's why he had that credit line at Tiffany's. He figured all the black folks are suckers for rapper bling, now all becomes clear.
No more Breakfast at Tiffany's. Bling-Bling At Tiffany's
He heard that the blacks are the ones doing all the diamond mining.
He just thinks diamonds come from New york City.
Gives new meaning to "street cred."
Bad economy = Republican win!!!!
Now that is a plan.
More good news for John McCain.
Worked for congress in ' 10 didn't it?
Hint: Never going to happen ever, in a million fucking years.
Neut needs Trump as his running mate, to get that good relationship with the Blacks.
Little does he know — the ButtTrumpet was referring to Conrad Black's family.
Well, maybe when pigs fly.
**GOP slowly prepares what it thinks is it's perfected pig-cannon…**
This strategy worked so well for George Wallace, Orville Faubus, and Strom Thurmond… what could possibly go wrong?
Tiffany's going to hire black people?
Well, someone has to dig all those shiny diamonds out of African mines…
Newt needs to hire a new staff. Actions speak louder than words, Newtie.
It's an impressive theory: Republicans just need the courage to walk through black neighborhoods and they'll be swept to victory. Please test that out Newt, while continuing to label the first black president as the food-stamp president. That will go over big.
Also, how is "the food stamp president" an insult? Food stamps (they're actually cards now, but whatever, Republican politician is out of touch with modern times shocker) are a good thing that help the poor.
Your ears are not capable of receiving that frequency.
Like in that movie with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson, where Bruce had to stand there naked with the sign, that was pretty funny.
Tell them that the housing bubble was caused by the CRA forcing banks to lend money to white people that knew they couldn't afford to pay it back, and ACORN was evil because they registered white people to vote. That should swing the African-American vote to the Republiklan Party.
Contract With Black America time. I see.
you mean "on" not with "with" You ARE talking about the Republucan'ts after all.
Damit, that otaku kid beat me to it.
I'm as white as a sheet, and have no intention of voting for a porcine, corrupt, selfish white millionaire. I can only imagine my brothers and sisters feel doubly. And Newtie, a decade of "conservative fiscal policy", (whatever the fuck that is), is what put all those folks on food stamps.
And now, that same "conservative fiscal policy" is looking to take away the food stamps.
First, they came for the jobs, and I didn't say anything, 'cause I had a job. Then, they came for the food stamps, and I was all like "take your fucking, grubby paws off my foods stamps, yo."
My pee has withered on the vine.
I am upfisting you with love .
It worked! You rock Lizzie!
Step aside Lizzie, I am here to help. (don't go too far though)
I see I'm no longer needed, but we've got your back…er…upfist area!
I guess this is progress from simply suppressing their votes in 2000 and 2004.
And coming up in 2012.
If you can't suppress them co-opt them.
They've already gotten to T.D. Jakes.
This is a great idea from the big idea guy! Teh blacks can pick the crops in Georgia!
♪♫ Put on the skillet, slip on the lid,
Newt's gonna make a little short'nin' bread.
That ain't all he's gonna do,
Newtie's gonna make a little job for you.
Newt's little Callista loves shoppiin', shoppin',
Newt's little Callista loves shoppin' at Tiffaney's foo,
Newt's little Callista loves shoppiin', shoppin',
Vote for Newtie and he'll make a job for you ♫♪
TeaPartiers don't see "we" and "unemployed black teenagers" in the same sentence unless separated by "are very, very afraid of"
If he'd wanted the unemployment rate for black teens to go down, he shouldn't have hired so many for his campaign staff.
Newt then added "I will personally see to it that every African American has access to all the malt liquor and menthol cigarettes he needs."
Comfortable shoes, good sex and a warm place to go to the bathroom is one heck of a platform.
Newt Gingrich 2012
– Bros bfor Hoes –
Like the White Queen, Newt can believe six impossible things before breakfast.
You should be downfisted for that foul outburst.
Newt porn just writes itself.
Does it, let me see now….Callista was lying in bed, like a frozen odalisque, combing peroxide through her black pubic hair "Just making sure the collar and cuffs match, Newtie" she purred. " My botoxed beauty, can you see your way to a threesome with a nubile Nubian Princess" Newton Leroy Gingrich murmured. "Oh my rotund little sweetums, whatever you need to do to win the black vote from Obama is good with me" she said , her gimlet eyes flashing, rapidly flicking through the Tiffany's catalogue in her mind's eye, knowing that if she participated that new cushion- cut emerald ring would be hers.
Yep, it certainly does just write itself.
Marry me.
We could write pornography together and eat bonbons. Perfect.
"He explained that “in May, we had 41% unemployment among black teenagers in America.”
Does he plan on hiring all of them as his new campaign staff? Win-Win!!
I have secret love for Jack Black because he let me go first through security at JFK once because I was carrying my huge orange cat, Neville, and he was so sweet, Jack Black not Neville.
Some nerd you are. Everyone knows Neville's a toad, and the orange cat is Crookshanks.
This fucking guy.
Good Morning, ChetKincaid, why is the sky grey?
Rahm has cut the solar budget, sweetie.
Sometimes, that's all that needs to be said.
gross.
Could one of our black Wonketteers punch him in the nuts for this please?
Consider it done.
Thanks!
If you want to punch him in the throat instead, I'd be happy to loan you my absurdly large and bony knuckles.
Im a little late but Yes , consider his nuts jabbed.
Anytime is good, no expiration date on the nut-punching of Newt.
I would be concerned about finding them. You'd have to be awfully close, or have a very long arm, seems to me.
Could one of you white folks handle our lightweight this time?
Although Mitt is white, could we hire *him* to punch Newt in the groin? Those freakish snow-shovel hands of his could probably do a lot of damage.
I think the new, Black (urban) Newt needs a catchy hip-hop name and since he's all about employing "that" demographic I'm suggesting B-Job.
Haha, B-Job Gagrich!
Jah-Ba the Gingritch, if you want him to go more Rasta-style.
Jah-Ba Stanks? Ya him do!
You know who else is racist asshole who thinks all blacks are welfare queens?
HitlerEven Adolf grudgingly gave Jesse Owens the medal he had earned.
But, Reagan — yeah, it's Reagan.
Ouch!
That White B*tch at the Welfare Office? I hate her ass.
Are we naming all current repub contenders, or just those that are announced.
Including you, A-B-C Herman Cain.
Reagan.
Again, can I just complement his winning smile.
Once again, the noble White Father rides in to save his less fortunate pickaninny countrymen from their blackety black plight. Just like the Klan.
my guess is that he plans on bringing back workhouses and chain gangs…hey, he didn't promiss pay he just promised jobs.
You cracked the code! excellent work!
He's from Georgia; the chain gangs can be sent to the worker-less farms there, to bring back that state's most cherished tradition.
I heard Tiffany's is hiring…
He explained that “in May, we had 41% unemployment among black teenagers in America.”
and somefuckinghow he believes NONE of that was caused by Republicans…
Serf, you must have deleted the memo. This is Obammers war and economy now, fer sure.
If he ( O ) knew "how to create jobs", well he has more than enough time to do so.
Hmm. Post a Newt story and a Zales Diamond ad comes on the site. I guess Tiffany's is too cheap for blogads?
as a white Southerner who was mature enough in 1960s he should've known why African Americans lean Democrats for decades
also,, does this mean Mrs Gingrich IV will be black ?
"also,, does this mean Mrs Gingrich IV will be black ?"
Heaven forbid. Do you know how patriotic Newt would have to be for that to happen?
He's only on number 4? Huh. How many on the sly?
Janice Rodgers Gingrich has a nice ring to it.
Newt will propose by asking, "Let me be your Ginny Thomas".
I'm sorry, dood, ain't no good-looking black woman gonna settle for that short, fat, hung-like-a-chipmunk dood, no matter HOW MUCH bling he gets her from Tiffany's.
“No administration in modern times has failed younger blacks more than the Obama administration,”
Uh, Newtie, the Reagan administration was in modern times. Or maybe you don't consider that "failing" younger "blacks" since fucking them over was completely intentional?
Ha. Drop Newt off at the Fruitvale BART station in Oakland around midnight on a Saturday, and see if he can walk back to Berkeley. And I'm sure they'll also love him so much in Berkeley, if he makes it.
I'm thinking it'll be like that scene in Borat, but with less racial harmony and more high-pitched squealing by Newt for his mommy.
You make it sound as if this Fruitvale station is very, very urban
That's ONE way of putting it.
I'm so turned on right now.
If by "turned on" you mean, threw up a little in my mouth, then, yeah that's it.
Wait till you see the "Newt's Lemon Party" video, co-starring Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore.
Would you people please throw me a lahflahn? We have much in common, such as my wife's hair looking like a basketball.
Is he going to offer the coloreds a free laptop computer like he did to the homeless back in '95?
Newt is truly an idea guy. Too bad they're all bad.
“have the courage to walk into that neighborhood” is the new "my best friend is black", only more condescending.
We're all Hopey that the Neuter walks into our neighborhood in C'Addle's Central District.
Sometimes a Newt is only an eft.
Grow up, fuckhead.
Tiffany's is selling a little diamond encrusted brass instrument with a little erect penis on it. It says "I'm French Horny for America"
That's "Freedom Horny" for repubs.
Jesus. What's next asshole? Pandering for the Muslim vote?
"We have to be brave enough to go to mosques and community centers where they have been asking for us to fucking come, and where we have previously shouted horrible, degrading, disgusting things at them."
I'm positive that they're just waiting for a white guy to walk amongst them and speak to them honestly about the terrorists in their midst. He's probably brave enough to confront them with the truth about Sharia law in the US Americas.
The Family that Preys
Newt, of course, is Kathy Bates.
Now, shouldn't you give the full title? I believe it's "Tyler Perry Presents: Tyler Perry's The Family that Preys, by Tyler Perry. A Tyler Perry Film."
Don't mock: he's an auteur.
(Just saying that, I can only imagine how he would have mucked up something like Gran Torino. I mean, he only produced Precious (Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire) & it stunk (outside of Mo'Nique's performance).)
I'd give you a win, but I like Kathy Bates. Just an upfist.
"Here's how my employment plan works: We give more money to rich old white people, and you come crawling on your hands and knees, begging. The one guy who begs the loudest gets the job, if the old white people feel like it. But the old white people can also just keep the money for themselves, if you don't humiliate yourself enthusiastically enough."
Wait hasn't that been the plan all along?
If that was the plan all along, it's certainly been the reality…
That's the pitch for their votes. Blatant pandering. The Plan's got the N-word all over it and that'll just make people call them "racists" or something.
And this is different from the last 30 years, HOW?
Newt and Callista: Shorter Newticles
~
Newt has a secret plan.
Thats some genius right there, boy howdy.
Staff quit because "I'm different," Gingrich says.
No no, Newtie. Your staff quit because you're a lying, adulterous, verbose, belligerent, racist megalomaniac. And those, they said, were some of your better qualities.
Those were the reasons they went to work for him in the first place.
Abe Lincoln/Newt Gingrich–it still seems to me that one of these things is not like the other.
ok i had to go forward and backward and refresh trying to remember where your comment was b/c it was just that good.
This is going to be a whole lot funnier when Newt releases his rap single and break dancing video. The kids still break dance right Newt?
OT, but fuck the morons at the National Constitution Center (just a few blocks north of my office). They just announced that they're awarding this year's liberty medal to fucking Robert Gates, I guess in celebration of continuing Rumsfeld's work in liberating thousands of Afghanis and Iraqis civilians from their lives, and adding Libyans to the total.
Really, how the fuck could anyone think to give that award to any Secretary of War ("Defense" my ass), much less one who has presided over two and maybe three never-ending wars fought for no reason whatsoever?
Apparently "less embarrassing than Rumsfeld" is the criteria for getting a medal these days.
So Newt will take away food stamps, unemployment, Pell Grants, and Medicaid, and at some point the invisible hand of the Free Market will provide them with jobs.
As Seth Meyers said, "Unless 'the Blacks' are a family of white people…"
Siriusly?
Not sure there are enough people with the surname of Black to help the Republicans win, but, at least Newt has a plan.
Is this the (racist) 21st Century version of "your momma.." jokes?
The winner.
He just turned 68 last week. Fancies himself bookish, then opens his mouth and doubles down on boorish. Hit the road to retirement already, Newt, and make 'quitting' a thing to be applauded for once! That's change of mind I'd believe in.
Newt will give him a job, and even throw in the shoe-shine kit and and a rag.
That means if Republicans can put on a brave face, they might be able to turn the African American vote their way.
In the minds of Republicans, their strategic planning probably involves Voter Registration Drives at KFC.
Republicans: We makes the economy worser and things badder, so vote for us!
In a nutshell, how republicans think jobs are created. Because when they needed one, that's how they got one. Daddy made a call and bingo, there was a job.
I will volunteer to be Newt's travel secretary if it involves booking him for rallies in black neighborhoods.
I just want him to ride the green line in DC
His plan is to finally make it legal to be black.
People write "lol" a lot, but this actually did make me laugh out loud.
But, once you legalize black, then what is next?! Slippery slope; slippery slope!!
Even bigger LOL.
Once they legalize the blacks, only the blacks will be legal. "Hide yo kids, hide yo wives and hide yo husbands because they be legalizin' everybody out here."
Newt "OG" Gingrich.
Kirsten, please be more careful when doing research for these important articles. Experts know that a pickax to the heart we do nothing to slow down a voracious zombie. One needs to destroy the nerves at the base of the cerebral cortex.
Oh, and the black thing too. Carry on.
Somewhere in some office deep in the bowels of the Whitehouse a policymaker is reading Gingrich's pronouncement and saying to himself: Create millions of well paying jobs for unemployed black youth?! Why that's fucking brilliant! Why didn't we think of it first!
Barack's out starvin' young blacks
And Whitey's on the Moon.
White Man Can't Jump in the GOP Polls
Gingrich is absolutely, 100%, right. He is a dork.
Somebody please hack his Netflix account and take Bulworth off the list.
"“No administration in modern times has failed younger blacks more than the Obama administration,” Gingrich said."
I dunno if you can possibly top the Gipper in that respect. Or so the popular consensus goes.
"OOH, praise the LAWD! Dat fine massa Newt gonna save ALL da Black people! Why, Ah jes' saw him in ma 'hood."
Newt is a dick.
No, no, honey. That was *his* hood you saw him in. Oh, you said 'hood. My bad.
I does not care, I does not care.
Talking to black people is NOT Reagany, Newt! You lose two Reagan points.
Psst, Newt. Telling black people (or low-income people) that the Republican party will stop fucking them over long enough for them to fuck themselves (party of personal responsibility and all) doesn't equal job creation.
How could he be alive and breathing and not realize that, for days now, politically, he has been toast?
I truly hope he intends to put on Brave Face instead of the other farce, you know.
Let's see… the Newtster is from Georgia, Georgia needs cheap farm labor, Newtie has a plan to employ black teenagers…. A twofer! The black vote AND the farm vote.
This would probably be a lot funnier if I didn't suspect that this is exactly what he's thinking.
Way back when the first Bush was president and we had no notion of the horrors his degenerate spawn would visit upon us, I read this column by David Broder saying, Look out Dems; Lee Atwater has a brilliant plan to win black voters away from you. Within days Atwater was having to resign his appointment to the Howard University board of trustees in the face of massive protests by students who, unlike Broder, had not forgotten his Willie Horton ad.
Anyway, congratulations Neut: You've finally come up with something even funnier than that.
Actual Republican formula for success in 2012:
High unemployment – everyone remembering economic problems caused by conservative policies = WIN
Needs MOAR Underpants Gnomes.
Newt seems to have forgotten a great deal of things he and his party have said over the last couple of years. Or is hoping that everyone else has forgotten.
Stop being so hard on Newt. He just wants to open up his world of affairs.
Anyway, Newt was walking out on the mother of his children long before it was cool in the Black community.
You mean after the election's been "Diebolded?"
Tie-in the Tiffany's account, you know, the Bling Factor and I 'd say you got a winner.
Doesn't Newt realize that Republican state legislatures nation-wide are passing laws to prevent young blacks from voting??
You figured it out, Newt! Just badmouth Barry enough and "the blacks" will drop him like a cold Church's chicken leg. I can see them now trying to fix on which of the Republican Whiter than White Millionaires they will pull the lever for. (falls out of Barcolounger laughing hysterically)
"Callista: Yes dear, drop your Zubaz™ so I can get myself another high protean low fat snack for my Dukan Diet™."
But first, let's stop by Tiffany's. It's practically on the way, and you know they get new merchandise on Friday.
You could produce a million jobs, tomorrow, Newt. Fact is, as long as your party still loathes us behind our backs as a personal matter and matter of faith, we wouldn't take a job from you if it was the last one to be created on earth or anywhere else in the universe. You see, some of us have this thing called dignity; you should go look for some, 'cause you obviously forgot where you left yours if you ever had it to begin with.
BTW, like all other people, we're not too keen on arrogant politicians. You might want to try one some humility on over your bloated physique if you can find some in your size.
Sisyphus had an easier task than you do, Newt, you know, trying to convince voters of all types about the virtues of personal and civic responsibility when you and your wife have over $1 million credit lines at Tiffany, when you're railing against "deviants" and you're on wife numbero tres…would you like me to go on?
yes i would like you to go on.
Shouldn't a 41% unemployment rate among teenagers be considered normal, or even a little low?
You guys need to get a room.
(then a book deal.)
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