try to paraphrase to avoid racismDeep dish fan Herman Cain is very offended that anybody would take some ludicrous words he said at face value, which is something only racists do. Teevee comedian Jon Stewart made fun of a weird, pointless thing Herman Cain said about how he will not allow bills longer than three pages through Congress. Cain said, “I am only going to allow small bills — three pages. You’ll have time to read that one over the dinner table.” Stewart made fun of this inane statement, prompting Cain to call Stewart a racist who hates black conservatives. This is how we will define racism from now on, starting today: any time you quote someone saying stupid things, you are a racist. (Everyone is racist against Sarah Palin!) 

From Cain’s speech in Iowa, reported by ThinkProgress:

I said, well, Sean [Hannity], first of all if [Stewart] really thinks that I’m serious about a bill only being three pages the joke’s on him. And I said secondly as far as him mocking me look I’ve been called every name in the book because I’m a conservative, because I’m black.

Sticks and stone may break my bones, words are not going to hurt me. I was on that radio show because a happen to be an American black conservative. I labeled myself. I’m an American Black Conservative, an A-B-C. They keep trying to put labels on me. I have been called “Uncle Tom,” “sell out,” “Oreo,” “shameless.” So the fact that he wants to mock me because I happen to be a black conservative, in the words of my Grandfather, “I does not care. I does not care.”

What does any of this mean? Stewart doesn’t even actually call Cain any names in the segment. Whatever, nobody is allowed to criticize that black Obama guy, so they aren’t allowed to criticize Herman Cain, either. [ThinkProgress]

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  • nounverb911

    Don't quote me, bro!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm sure pointing this out totally makes me a racist, but someone claiming he's a victim because somebody else accurately quoted him is reaching palinistic levels of inanity.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Wasn't it Newt who came up with the idea? That anyone who quoted what he said was lying?

  • 3 Pages? Sweet Jeebus, Herman; it's a bill, not a fucking pizza menu!

    • Nothingisamiss

      I remember when he said this during the "debate" I thought "My damn cable bill is longer than three pages."

      Ignorance is the pursuit of the presidency is no vice, blackness is no virtue.

      • OneDollarJuana

        And just like your cable bill, the Republican bills will be loaded with extra charges that you didn't know were coming, or that they just stuck in to see if you'd notice.

    • DustBowlBlues

      This is an easy one. He watched that movie "Too Big To Fail" and when William Hurt (a very believable Paulson) sent the bill to congress, he was flabbergasted when congress complained that "it was too short."

      So, for Herman, the takeaway on a movie that must have impressed as being something really smart people would understand and used it.

    • genxr

      It's a cheap-ass pizza chain menu with a color-by-numbers on the back. Most places I eat at have 4 page menus at least, not counting the wine list.

    • jus_wonderin

      I bet we only get a choice of three toppings.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    According to Cain: "I’m an American Black Conservative, an A-B-C." And how dare anyone put labels on him. Also.

    • baconzgood


      Asshole-Bonehead-Cunt bag?

    • OneDollarJuana

      I got some A-B-C gum, too, but I'm not going to elect it President.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      A-B-C. Easy as Dumb-Fuck-in-a-Tree.

    • benjo765

      Americano Black no-Cream. ask your barrister – the only drink where they pay you, for selling out!

  • Nothingisamiss

    If we didn't have Palin, I'd spend time wondering what this foolish man meant.

    He and Gringrich need to team up for the "Don't Quote Me Tour."

  • PuckStopsHere

    I have been called “Uncle Tom,” “sell out,” “Oreo,” “shameless.”
    This pretty much covers it, doesn't it? Anybody have anything to add? Odd to hear a repube telling the truth, tho.

  • Gopherit

    Herman, if you'd stop nuzzling teabagger nutsack, you might lose the Uncle Tom and Oreo labels……but I don't think you can do anything to shake people from thinking you are stupid. Anyone who saw the full context of your "three page" bills remark knows that's true.

  • GOPCrusher

    Racist to hate black conservatives? Since the list only consists of Alan Keyes, Ron Christie, and Herman Cain, it can hardly be considered racist.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I can expand that list by 33.3%. Michael Steele.

      • SorosBot

        Steele's a bit too moderate for the wingnuts though; they've disowned him.

    • Don't forget corrupt Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Doesn't count! Don't you know that Supreme Court justices (or at least 5 of them) are impartial and only call "balls and strikes?"

      • GOPCrusher

        Is he really alive, or just Scalia's sock puppet?

    • horsedreamer_1


      Proving it's not just the honkeys in the Sooner State that are crazy.

  • Speaking of GOP long-shots who don't like to be quoted verbatim, Michelle Bachmann also thinks 3-page bills are ridiculous. She wants bumper sticker-sized bills!

    • PsycWench

      Or for those longer bills, we could have pamphlets,

    • GOPCrusher

      Michele Bachmann is formally announcing her candidacy in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa today.
      Which in itself is hilarious since it's the red headed stepchild of Iowa because of it's union membership and reputation as a tough labor town.

    • chicken_thief

      Michelle has an excuse, though – with those crazy eyes, it's hard to focus on the written word for more than a paragraph or two.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Reading longer bills makes her lips hurt.

  • Boredw/Gravitas

    The new republican mantra — "Don't directly quote us on anything we say, ever."

  • SayItWithWookies

    I've been racist against idiots for a long time now — and if they think they're underrepresented in government, that's just more confirmation that I'm racist against them. Because they're idiots.

  • baconzgood

    “shameless" is now a slur? What ever happened to the good ol' fashioned ones my grandad used? Like "tootsie"?

    (I'm snarking here so pleeeeeeease don't beat me up)

    • Crank_Tango

      what does dustin hoffman have to do with this? Or Jessica Lange, for that matter…….

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      "Toot toot tootsie roll…"

  • freakishlywrong

    I hate Conservatives regardless of color.
    But, seriously dude, you have to be a real self-hater to be a Con if you're not white and xtian. Because, unlike Jon Stewart, they hate you for being black.

    • mourningnmerica

      Agreed. Black Republicans are the same as Jews for Hitler.

  • BklynIlluminati

    At least he went full idiot and used the race card. also his latest act of tardation is he was quoted as saying when he gets elected (cold day in hell) that he will appoint oil barons, coal executives, and other assorted miscreants to his staff to figure out ways to reign in the EPA.

  • Schmannnity

    This after eight years of mocking Whites in the form of George W. Bush.

  • nounverb911

    "“I am only going to allow small bills"
    Do you know who else only allowed small bills?

    • The girls over at the Seventh Veil?

      • genxr

        Not true! Pull out a hundy in the champagne room, and they'll go the extra mile.

    • LesPaultard

      The guy who robbed a bank to get health care?

    • Mahousu

      That guy delivering from Godfather's Pizza?

      Oh, wait …

    • horsedreamer_1

      The Open Pantry between 10 pm & 6 am?

    • widestanceroman

      Monica L.?

    • RedneckMuslin

      Daisy Duck?

    • HITLER!!!

    • Crank_Tango

      rod blagojevich?

    • baconzgood

      Not many of these cats.

    • Sarah Palin, back when she was running for Miss Alaska?

    • Papa_Uniform

      George Washington?

    • GOPCrusher


    • AJWjr.

      My g-string?

    • GregComlish

      Dr. Pepper?

    • C_R_Eature

      The first National Bank of Lilliput?

  • If the clown shoes fit, wear 'em, Herman.

    • If the clown shoes fit, wear 'em, Herman. you must acquit.


    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, so what now? You're saying that black men have big feet, is that is?

  • RedneckMuslin

    I thought racism was over since we got the black president. And, a black conservative running for pres.

  • DemmeFatale

    Yes, yes Herman. Keep talking. Sure sounds like "I does not care."
    Way to pull the grandfather card.
    On this.
    I'm sure your family is really proud.

    • freakishlywrong

      Actually, it's the "Godfather" card…

      • horsedreamer_1

        The Republicans 2012: everyone's a Fredo.

  • proudgrampa

    Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. I HATE these fuckers who call up the race card. Fuck you, Cain, you supercilious son of a bitch.

  • Herman Cain should just put on some gloves and glue on a handlebar mustache and start yelling "THE BILL IS TOO DAMN LONG!!"

    Yes, I am racist against you, My Brother.

    • Mumbletypeg

      And Cain is too damn high. High on himself.

    • No snark here. Fux News' headline actually is "Jon Stewart Under Fire for Herman Cain Race Joke."

      • Translating the term "Under Fire" and "Race Joke" from tabloid wankery to English:

        "Jon Stewart Suffers Hyperventilating Criticism for Herman Cain Short Bill Dumb Quote"

    • Doktor Zoom

      Chet, Chet, Chet, my poor, misinformed dusky friend, don't you know that you're supposed to be horribly offended by Jon Stewart's unspeakably racist "Amos n Andy" impression of Cain?

      Here, let the nice folks at Fox explain it to you in small words, because they care about racial insensitivity.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Man, I miss that guy.

    • mourningnmerica

      Have you ever seen Herman Cain and Jimmy McMillan in the same room at the same time?

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Dear Herman, we don't mock you because you're black.
    We mock you because you're stupid.
    We mock Newt because you're black, though.

  • You see Herman, I'm not racist. I'm a stupidist.

    Not Stupidest (although I think some people would probably agree.)

  • Pragmatist2

    Cain is right. We should be clear that we are mocking him because he is a profoundly stupid man. Oh, yes, and a jerk-Despite the fact that he is apparently of African descent ( he has not yet released his birth certificate).

  • horsedreamer_1


  • An asshole of a different color. Meh.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    And then after the interview, Sean made Herman dance a jig for him.

    Seriously, though, Michael Steele will always be my #1 Oreo.

    • There can be only one Notorious G.O.P.

    • mog253

      Very Gangs of New York.

  • Come here a minute

    Herman Cain is racist against his grandfather.

  • Haven't you heard Herman? Rush said there is no racism in this country.

  • Beowoof

    We could call this Sarah Deluison Syndrome. A disease in which direct quoting of political morans is an attack on the politician.


  • OkieDokieDog

    I can easily overlook Mr. Cain's blackness, however, I find it impossible to overlook his ignorance.

    In the words of my Grandmother, "Some men are just stupid honey, so avoid them best you can."

  • Wilcoxyz

    You know who else maxed out at three pages? Mark Foley.

    • Crank_Tango

      too soon!

    • GOPCrusher


  • He attacked you because you're stupid. Not because you're black.

    • And even the word "attacked" is getting pretty close to Hannitized hyperbole.

      It was at best mild mockery, hardly worth the million-dollar FOX propaganda programming time spent on it, wasting valuable teatard-hypnotizing resources when they could be inventing some other yellow journalism "scandals" against real targets, like Obama, Soros, or ACORN.

  • Giveusabob

    In my words too, "I does not care. I does not care."

  • OneYieldRegular

    Slightly OT, but I have never in my life understood that "sticks and stones" aphorism (least of all now, in the incomprehensible context in which Cain is using it). It's always seemed to me to be at best awkwardly constructed, and in substance almost exactly backwards.

    • Crank_Tango

      well OneYield, what it means is that if you really want to hurt someone you have to break their bones, using implements such as sticks and stones, and not mere words.

      • GunToting[Redacted]


      • Where do I sign up, and is someone going to hold PizzaClown down or do we have to use the stix 'n' stones on the run?

        • Doktor Zoom

          Typical liberal fascist, endorsing the lynching of a black conservative.

          I just want him to be surveyed.

      • HistoriCat

        If you really want to hurt Cain you'll force him to eat some of that Godfather's pizza.

  • baconzgood

    "Can't we all just get along and screw the poor"

    -Herman Cain-

  • DaRooster

    Check the folks that actually called you Oreo and Uncle Tom for racism… Dipstick.

  • genxr

    No, Cain, we're not saying all black people are stupid. Just you.

    As a counter example, consider the reasoning offered by conservative commentators who opine on why Obama got 98% of the black vote…

  • ganmerlad

    This guy seriously identifies himself as black. And conservative. What else does he do?

    • [redacted]hse

      Clubs the halibut?

  • SorosBot

    It's just like any insults against Queen Sarah are labeled sexist, even though most have nothing to do with her gender.

    Since the conservatives like to ignore real sexism and racism, and attack people who point out real racism for "playing the race card", they also are quick to label any attacks on black or woman conservatives as racist or sexist when they have nothing to do with race or sex.

    • BlueMonkeh

      I am ashamed of my gender because of the likes of Palin, Bachmann and McHose.

      • HistoriCat

        Meh. I found it easier to just be ashamed of humanity – it works regardless of race, gender, etc.

  • jjdaddyo

    Herman Cain, takin' it to Hymie Town…

  • mavenmaven

    OK, Herman, we got it. Now when will you appear on Dancing with the Stars?

  • BlueMonkeh

    Next thing you know, Herman will find out that Jon Stewart mocked Anthony Weiner because he's an anti-semite.


  • Crank_Tango

    Quote libel!

  • pinkocommi

    "…if [Stewart] really thinks that I’m serious about a bill only being three pages the joke’s on him."

    I saw the clip on the Daily Show where Herman Cain very clearly, adamantly and without any inflection of humor said he wanted to limit bills to only 3 pages. I guess the joke's on me, too.

    I now will make fun of Herman Cain, not because he is black or conservative, but because his pants are on fire.

    • genxr

      The joke is also on all of his supporters who applauded him right then and there, when they should have been laughing hysterically.

      • I always get nervous when conservatives laugh. There is a reason why there is no right wing equivalent of Jon Stewart, even if Glenn Beck tried really hard in that arena for some time.

        • Banelm

          Good point. What makes a sociopath laugh?

    • fuflans

      and he doesn't do satirical wit.

  • DaRooster

    I have noticed that Jon Stewart is prejudiced, the exact same as me… against STUPIDITY. And that has absolutely NOTHING to do with your race or belief system. Unless of course your beliefs are stupid… like being a Black Conservative… (they don't like you… they just may be racists… no… really, it's true.)

  • "I does not care"? Cain's Gramps was an LOL cat?

    I call bullshit. This sounds like something a white guy trying to fake ignorant old black dialect would come up with.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Yeah, I'm not an expert on black American dialects, so it is entirely possible that there is an area of the country in which "I does not care" sound perfectly natural, but it sounds sort of forced.

      I wish he had taken it farther, though – like "I be not carin' 'bout nothin' no mo's." Just stone cold throwing apostrophes into ever'thing.

      • horsedreamer_1

        See, Sarah Palin is bilingual. She's fluent in Backwoods Impoverished Southern American English.

        • anniegetyerfun

          Sarah's a g-droppin' homegirl. Also speaks fluent Derpish.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Well, you see, Stewart did sort of imitate Cain's voice and cadence of speech, which, according to Cain, was equivalent to an "Amos and Andy type brogue," WHICH WAS EXACTLY LIKE DOING A BLACKFACE MINSTREL SHOW!!!!!!!!

    Also, as we know from Breitbart, liberals are all racists. Something about plantations, too. That's why so many blacks vote D.

    • Chris Wallace made the same Amos 'N Andy reference on Fox News Sunday when he interviewed Jon Stewart and brought up this bit. So I guess it's the talking point Fox has passed on to Cain and his campaign.

      • DaRooster

        He probably initially watched it and laughed… then Faux told him he should be outraged… being an idiot (no, not because he's black) he's raising hell now.

      • Were this all in print and set in the bottom of the cage, parakeets would refuse to use.

  • mormos

    who are these people? how do they exist? am I on acid?

    • Peace in our time

      I'm hitting the amino acid pretty hard and I still don't understand the conservatards.

    • Banelm

      Several times a day, I'm struck by the sheer improbability that people this dumb can drive home safely. How do they survive in the modern world?

      • benjo765

        Energy Drinks and SatNav. The rest pretty much takes care of itself.

  • widestanceroman

    I'm really sad that his insane rant announcing his candidacy has not gotten more press. It was, all snark aside, terrifying. The scream that ended Howard Dean's run was sub-audible compared to the maniacal screaming of 'free at last, free at last' (never mind that King's words were robbed by a lunatic).

  • freakishlywrong

    These fucking Conservatives and their princess and the pea sensitivity. When someone dare to question them.

  • ArmoredBore

    Please, excuse me while my head explodes ala Scanners. You might wanna get a tarp.

    • anniegetyerfun

      It's a TARP!

  • mormos

    how about "corporate failure"?

  • He is clearly not afraid of life.

  • Crank_Tango

    Too long! Epithets must be kept to under three words.

    • Beetagger

      Aren't Epithets those little military thingies that Michael Jackson used to wear on his shoulders?

      • Doktor Zoom

        No, those were "prepubescents"

      • Swampgas_Man

        Naw, "epithets" are things you write on a tombstone, which Cain's career desperately needs.

    • Not_So_Much

      Dissembling Fuckhead?

  • mumbly_joe

    But… but… but… Herman Cain just accused John Stewart, who is white, of being a racist! And I learned from Andrew Breitbart that accusing white people of racism is the real racism.

    So that means, by syllogism… Herman Cain really is a racist, after all! I feel so vindicated I should take over someone's press conference to gloat about it.

    • Doktor Zoom

      We must therefore conclude that the racist Herman Cain is in fact a LIBERAL PLANT who has infiltrated the GOP to make it look racist!!!!!!!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Wheels within wheels… on my pimped-out whip.

      • mumbly_joe


        Dressed like the cast of a 1970's blacksplotation film, naturally.

  • genxr

    He obviously slept through the ridicule we gave everyone who claimed the health care bill was too long to read.

  • Oh, I almost forgot, Hannity is the biggest race baitin' prick on Fox.

  • Beetagger

    No Herm, we aren't racist. We just hate cocksucking republicans who can't say the word shit even when there mouths are full of it.

  • chascates

    This is good news for Alan Keyes.

  • sportshort

    "I hereby declare it ILLEGAL to quote anything I say on the grounds that I had no prior knowledge of my thought patterns and cannot be held accountable for words that are processed through this fallible device of mouth and brain. If I manage to say something intelligent it is strictly random and that should be quoted instead. This is the law as I see it and I have stated so on no occasion."

    • SorosBot

      He's joining Newt Gingrich in calling directly quoting him a slanderous and lying.

  • Guppy06

    No no no, Obama is the "American Black Conservative" in this race. You're a member of the reactionary fascist elite. There, now don't you feel better?

  • anniegetyerfun

    You guys, he said he doesn't care. And obviously he doesn't, because he's talking about it, in public. If there was ever a way to express how little you care about something, talking about it in a public forum is it!

  • thefrontpage

    Cain is a moron, his pizza sucked, he's a moron, he's an idiot, and he's a poseur. And he's a racist for calling Jon Stewart a racist. He knows nothing about government and politics. He has no call running for president, or any other political office.

    And his restaurants suck.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Tell me more about the pizza, George.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Herman Cain is right. Hey, look, we have a black President, right? And it's not like Republicans would ever make fun of him! Especially not through impressions!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Not only was Reggie Brown black (presumed; I'm still suspicious), his name is Brown. That's like double-plus-protection against being called a racist for saying racist things about someone of a minority race.

  • mormos

    I don’t understand this Herman Cain. What is his major malfunction? The others I understand: Mittens and T-Paw are legitimate politicians (if boring and unappealing) with a legitimate desire for office, Trump and the grifter are (were) just in it for the attention, and Bachmann and O’Donnell are insane. These are all comprehendible motivations, but this Cain character? What is he doing? He is a failed CEO with no political experience and (to my knowledge) no political aspirations up to this point. He can’t possibly win, which he must know, and lacks a dynamic enough personality to stay in (make money off of) the news when his bid is over (say what you will, but the grifter bitch knows how to draw attention to herself). So what is his endgame? Does he have one? Is he just doing what he is told? Is he just enjoying the ride? What the hell is going on here?! SOMEONE TELL ME!!!

    • horsedreamer_1

      He's a more &/or less self-aware Alvin Greene.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Although he runs on the statement "I'm not a politician," that is because he had a failed attempt senate run in…..2006(?) here in Georgia. So, more aptly, "I'm not a politician because I couldn't get elected anywhere, so that's how I know how to run the whole country."

      As to what the hell he's doing? Your questions say it all…..WTF is he trying to game here? Previously, for the last few years, he's been making big-ish bucks as a radio show host and he gave "uplifting" speeches. Previously, I hear he was getting $5,000 per speech, now, I'm guessing he'll get quite a bit more in boookings and grift.

      (I remember thinking "$5,000 per speech? I wouldn't even know who the fuck he was if he wasn't related to someone I know.")

    • spinozasgod

      3 words…..Fox News gig…..

    • Read his wiki page, he has been elbowing his way into Republican politics since the '90s, and grifting in front of teabaggers has been profitable enough in the last 3 years to convince him to take a shot. Remember, running for office is at least a scam to get your room, board and per diems comped for a few years if not for a term or too. Plus, I'm sure he has a big, long, thick, shiny ego, just like every other douchebag/douchebaguette frontrunning for the Reagan Crown, and gets off on having it polished by the likes of FOX as often as possible.

      Besides that, for these black conservatives, it feels somehow liberating to go against the community grain, and I think their egotistical defense mechanism dysfunction blinds them to how they're being used. "It's not me! YOU are the one on the Democrat Plantation! The Kochs are giving me money because I'm a Free Black Man!!"

      • Doktor Zoom

        That second paragraph needs to be, if not carved in stone, at least enshrined on a Facebook page somewhere.

      • mormos

        wise wonketteer is wise

    • SorosBot

      Besides the money, he's there as a token, so that Republican primary voters can say they support him and go, "so see, we're not racist, we'd vote for that black guy," though they won't actually vote for him. I'm just not sure if Cain's self-aware enough to realize this or not.

    • chicken_thief

      I have a couple of Teabagger friends. They have trouble hiding their little chubbies when talking about Cain and his "good ideas". Of course, not many candidates are left since Mittens is a commie, T-Paw is…zzzzzzzzzzzzz, Mama G took her toys and went home, and Newt is too busy shopping at Tiffany's to focus on a campaign, so I guess they have to put their hope into someone.

  • mavenmaven

    I suppose there won't be trouble unless they try that costume on him that they used on Bristol…

  • smitallica

    Psst, Herman…spoiler alert. The Democrats aren't the party made up mostly of people who don't like blacks. Just FYI.

  • ingloriousbytch

    I can't wait for Larry Wilmore to serve this guy a piping hot cup of STFU.

  • ttommyunger

    Right, Herman; A-B-C: Almost Became a Candidate (but not even close, really).

  • prommie

    As a succesful businessman, he reminds me of Michael Scott from The Office.

  • WhatTheHeck

    How about “Clueless neophyte.”
    Wait. For a moment I forgot if I was referring to Sarah Palin or Herman Cain. Whatever.

    • CZL

      A derp of one, a half-herp of the other.

  • baconzgood

    “I does not care. I does not care.”

    What was grandad Amos Jones?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Feets don't fail me now!

  • Radiotherapy®

    Is it racist to say his pizza sucked?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Not only racist, but sexist as well. Don't ask me why. If you don't know, that means that you hate people with disabilities.

  • And those are just the labels his mom gave him. I can't imagine what the rest of the world thinks of him.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Jon Stewart is the worst racist since Shirley Sherrod. On the other hand, it's just harmless satire when Fox says Obama is inviting "Hoods" to the "White Hizzouse"

    Edit: Eric Bolling, the host involved, did issue this non-apology apology: ""We got a little fast and loose with the language, and we know it's been interpreted as being disrespectful, and for that, I'm sorry"

    Sorry if anyone got the wrong idea, especially those darkies, who are sooooo touchy all the time.

    • anniegetyerfun

      "We know you're interpreting it wrong, and I'm sorry that you are doing that."

  • Weenus299

    As Abraham Lincoln said, "If you are a racist, then I will attack you with the North."

  • Lucidamente1

    You can't say Herman Cain isn't looking out for the brothers: he just handed Larry Wilmore a whole segment on the next Daily Show.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Affirmative action once again raises its ugly head.

      Tonight's show should be fun. No cable here, so I have to watch it online tomorrow.

      One wonders–having already done card tricks and an overdrawn debit card to deconstruct the metaphor, I'm predicting Willmore will have a musical Hallmark race card soon. In Cain's case, it would play a shrill, tinny tune with an insincere sentiment.

  • baconzgood


  • Sue4466

    "I’m an American Black Conservative, an A-B-C." But don't put labels on me. Especially not "lacks a sense of irony."

    • Doktor Zoom

      How about "Kick Me"?

  • franco_pinyon

    You can't create much of a tax loophole in three pages.

  • baconzgood

    Some of my best friends are chewy candy.

  • bflrtsplk

    Two large extra cheese, heavy on the anchovies. Make it snappy, Herman!

  • __kth__

    Contrary to the likes of Rush Limbaugh, the **only** people who make spurious accusations of racism–Clarence Thomas, Michael Steele, Herman Cain–are black conservatives.

  • Zombie_Reagan

    If Herm kept bills to three pages or less, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 would not have been passed, and bills that TeaTards love so much, the PATRIOT Act and both Bush Tax Cuts would not have been passed.

    Oh, and one of the last pieces of legislation three pages or less? The TARP Act. LMAO.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Why does Cain have to pick on Jewish Americans? Why is HE such a racist.

  • [redacted]hse

    Cain, you fuckin' Oreo. How's that for racist, Boy?

  • Redhead

    "What does any of this mean?"

    It means he's starting a Palin-cycle. Draw media attention by saying something idiotic which is then quoted verbatim, scream about blood libel and being the victim of the lamestream media in irrational, nonsensical (televised/publicized) rants, drawing more media attention to yourself as your latest idiocy is reported, repeat.

    • Doktor Zoom

      In the future, time will be measured in Palincycles

      • comrad_darkness

        Not Palindromes?

  • fuflans

    i have nothing to add as you people are brilliant.

    except i could eat pizza for 12 meals a week and i wouldn't touch godfather's pizza. or domino's for that matter.

  • Billmatic

    It's amazing how black republicans don't even know how to play the race card.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Yes, according to the right wing nutz only Progressives play The Race Card.

      However, it is become clear Mr. Cain isn't playing with a full deck.

  • EBGrey

    Herman "ABC" Cain done played the race canard.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I don't get it… if Republicans swear that they don't see race, then why the fuck is he talking about this?

  • GOPCrusher

    Calling Jon Stewart a racist should enhance Herman Cain's chances of becoming our next President. Maybe next, he'll accuse the African-American community of being "house nigras" to the Democratic Party.

  • DemonicRage

    This rising talent moves to the head of the crowded Republican pack of clones for independent thinking. It will be the solution to all the problems America faces when someone of his calibre is sworn in as Commander-in-Chief, and how relieved all of those elderly citizens who never felt comfortable with the exotic Unicorn President will be. I'm ordering one of this special pizzas he makes, right now.

  • anniegetyerfun

    That depends… did you want olives?

  • Swampgas_Man

    How about "This Year's Alan Keyes"?

  • KommunistKitty

    "shameless" is now officially the most blistering racial slur anybody has used ever.

  • He does have a point. Jon Stewart has never mocked anybody except for that one time he mocked Herman Cain. Why else would Stewart single him out if not for his race?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Cain said, “I am only going to allow small bills…"

    Hey, Herman! These days that's all we have left!

  • user-of-owls

    Oreo pizza??! That is Fucking Disgusting.

    Which, by happenstance, is yet another appropriate label.*

    *The judges would also accept, "De-Scotmanized Walnuts."

  • problemwithcaring

    So Juan Williams and Faux news are equally enraged when Jon Stewart does "racially-charged" Barack Obama impressions as well, right? Right??????

  • Rod_Torfulson

    Does he know that more than one variety of Oreos exist?
    Golden Oreos- he hates white people.
    Chocolate creme Oreos- he hates black people.
    Sugar free Oreos- he hates diabetics.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Double-Stuft: He is Chris Christie.

  • Beck_is_Trig

    Isn't this vapid cunt totally fucking convenient for teabaggers? He's polling lower than even Newt is, yet wingnuts will pretend the exist of this douche proves they aren't racist. Baugh! I say to that….first off, if wingnuts weren't often racist (especially in the South/Southwest) they'd get more than 8% of the black vote and 20% of latinos. Okay, if one group opposes you it's of concern but meh, it happens. However, when EVERY SINGLE minority group opposes you in VAST numbers…it means you're probably racist. Oh and pizza-boy just proves the always massive victimhood grievance culture that defines right wingers…for all their bitching about criticisms against Obama being considered racism (which only happens when they say something racist) this sort of knee jerk claim by pizza-boy is pure, delicious irony….and wingnuts as shown are oblivious to yet live nothing but irony.

    • Doktor Zoom

      You called him "boy." You're a racist.

  • ChapterUndVerse

    This must mean Candidate Cain proposes that the signature page will be on p. 4, and everything else is guaranteed not to be read. This definitely reduced uncertainty about whether bills get read! I'm wondering where all the earmarks can go in a 3-page document…hey, this solves that little problem, also.

    It's a pity that this isn't a plank. More like a splinter.

  • rocktonsam

    Stewart can't be racist.

    jooish already

  • Negropolis

    I get tired of this "my grandma/grandpa always said" bullshit he keeps spewing. Better yet, the sayings he dredges up don't make any goddamned sense. He shames his grandparents by making them appear to be morons.

    I'm getting really tired of this circus, the way the media gives attention to folks that clearly don't have any chance of winning even their party's nomination.

    Herman Cain, eh? I does not care about him. I does not care, indeed.

    I does not like him in a box
    I does not like him whilst on FOX
    I does not like him here or there
    I does not like him anywhere

    I does not like dis Herman Cain
    I does not like him 'cause I'm sane!

    • flamingpdog

      HIs grandpa said, "I does not care."? Jeeze, I always thought black conservatives like he and Clarence Thomas were just self-loathing, but it looks like he hates his ancestors, too!

  • Negropolis

    That's racist!

  • Negropolis

    I love how he's screaming racism when his most notable exposure thus far has been his bigoted/xenophobic comments about Muslims. Really, it just steams me up. It wasn't just something that could be construed as bigoted, it was a straight-out xenophobic comment only made worse by how he explained it at the debate.

    These fuckers don't have any kind of self-reflection mode. It's really kind of crazy that I'm sure Cain grew up in a segregated South, the stupid motherfucker.

  • comrad_darkness

    I suppose only black dems can be accused of playing the race card.

  • notreelyhelping

    Often, we hear people described as having a one-track mind or being one-dimensional. This guy has a mind like a Mobius strip:
    "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
    "You say I'm stupid because you're racist."
    "No, I didn't say you're stupid. I said your statment makes no logical sense."
    "You said it's illogical because you're racist."
    "There's no possible causal link between logically analyzing that statement and race."
    "You apply causal thinking because you're racist."
    "See? That's what I'm talking about."

  • ragnarok4msm

    STupid things said:Called Europe a country
    Thinks Great Britain and England are the same
    Thinks there is an Austrian language
    The day before Cinco de Mayo is apparently "Cinco de Cuatro"
    Filling out NCAA basketball bracket, he spells Syracuse "Sycacuse"
    A self-proclaimed Chicago White Sox fan, Obama called Comiskey Park "Cominskey Field"
    In a letter to a fan, misspells "advice" as "advise"
    Coal creates asthma in kids? Breathalyzer's for kids with asthma?
    "I've been in 57 states…I think one left to go."
    Mispronouncing the word "corpsman" as "corpse-man", twice in the same speech
    Gives a gift of incorrectly formatted DVD's to Gordon Brown
    Names a tax cheat as Treasury Secretary
    In introductions, forgets the name of his own Secretary of Defense
    Tries to open a White House window thinking it's a door
    Brain-freeze trying to figure out how to maneuver an umbrella through a gate
    Attributed seances in the White House to Nancy Reagan
    Thanks himself while reading the wrong line on the teleprompter
    Fumbles through a teleprompter miscue at the National Academy of Sciences
    Equates his terrible bowling to Special Olympics on Leno
    Pronounced 10,000 dead from a Kansas storm when there were actually 12 deaths
    Called Sioux Falls, SD "Sioux City"
    Called Sunrise, FL "Sunshine"
    "The time has changed for come!"
    "John McCain is running for George Bush's fourth term."
    "I'm here with the Girardo family here in St. Louis." – Obama, speaking from Kansas City
    Confuses the Constitution for the DoI in his own SOTU speech (the supposed Constitutional scholar)
    Cites the Constitution as having been written "twenty centuries" ago
    In his own words, he's apparently able to see dead people in the audience (sounds like Dem vote counting)
    His great uncle wasn't at Auschwitz as stated by Obama, he was at Buchenwald
    Claimed his parents met because of the 1965 Selma march when they actually married in 1961
    Credits a proverb imprinted on Oval Office rug to MLK. Its origin is from 19th century abolitionist Theodore Parker
    Thought Emporer Hirohito was on the battleship Missouri signing Japanese terms of surrender
    "Let me be absolutely clear…Israel is a strong friend of Israel's"
    "Not having been there and not seeing all the facts…the Cambridge police acted stupidly."
    "Texas has always been a pretty Republican state" – If "always" excludes about 120 years of Democratic history
    "I wanna be very clear…that we are resolved to halt the rise of privacy." (pirates are okay though I guess)
    "The reforms we seek would bring greater inefficiencies to our healthcare system." (a slip of truth for once)
    Analogizes that the USPS is "always having problems", undercutting his own argument for government run healthcare
    On the Daschle debacle – "…a mistake – probably not the first one I'm going to be making in this office."
    States that inflating your tires and getting tuneups equates to the domestic oil that drilling would produce
    Restaurant that Obama brags was saved by the stimulus closes the following week after 70 years of business
    Confused the Presidential Medal of Freedom with the Congressional Medal of Honor
    "The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries."
    Sunday: "Iran does not pose a serious threat to us." – Monday: "The threat from Iran is grave."
    In May of 2011, signs the Westminster Abbey guestbook and dates it May 2008
    Makes a fool of himself in an awkward attempt to toast the Queen at Buckingham Palace
    At state dinner for German Chancellor Merkel he botches another toast because he forgot it altogether
    Obama declares we have a weak job market because of automated services; like ATM's and airport kiosks.
    Relates that he presented the Medal of Honor personally to Afghanistan war hero Jared Monti – KIA 6-21-06

    You Obama apologists can't defend this clown of a president, so don't even try.

    • Neilist_Returns


      I hate when some poseur tries to be as annoying as moi.

      • flamingpdog

        Guns 'n' Roses for you, Neilist.

  • benjo765

    Gees Stewart! Who said you're supposed to take Stuff prez candidates say seriously?? When they say something that makes no sense/ is stupid, its CLEARLY just a joke about the lamestream medias super liberal commie bias. duh.

  • benjo765

    I think that was a misquote. Pretty sure he said triple-stuffed oreo. A love sandwich inc walnuts, cheney and mormon jesus.

    Though in all fairness you probably have to question federal governments repeal of Jim Crow Laws before you deserve that accolade.

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