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didn't we already see this on glee?Famous unemployed ex-pregnant person Bristol Palin released a “memoir” about something, we do not care what, except that she recounts how she lost her virginity to hillbilly idiot Levi Johnston while blacking out on wine coolers during a camping trip. This episode probably inspired the title of the book, called Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. From now on, Bristol Palin is America’s new mascot of Courage. What else qualifies Bristol Palin for this title?

  • Meghan McCain “ignored” Bristol when their families first met, and she complained. Bristol had to put up with this.
  • Cindy McCain was a weird “queen” towards Bristol. (Haha, Cindy McCain is actually just a man in drag? We knew that.)
  • Levi Johnston also got someone else pregnant, so Tripp has a sibling?
  • Nobody wanted Bristol Palin to win on Dancing With the Stars, because everybody in Hollywood hates Sarah Palin.

And this is what makes you a Hero in America. [ABC News]

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  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    I am overcome with inspiration. I must book this True American Heroin(e) immediately for my next executive retreat.

    She can teach them all the positive brand value of bad publicity and shifting blame.

  • memzilla

    Also available at her website, Grifterette.com.

    • freakishlywrong

      Grifterett. Those wingtards always forget the "e"..

    • HistoriCat

      Is that where the Wonkette girl went after the site redesign?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Wine coolers? Surprised she didn't name her kid Bartles Jaymes

  • Texan_Bulldog

    On wine coolers, no less. Very classy! Don't you have to drink like 200 of those things to even get a buzz?

    • BarryOPotter

      Don't you have to drink like 200 of those things to even get a buzz?

      You can't use WSDUs (Wonkette Standard Drinking Units) to gauge the alcohol intake of the general population. The amount of booze needed just to thin the blood in our alcohol systems to get most of us up in the morning, well, let's just say it's relatively considerably and leave it at that. Tongues might wag…

      • MozakiBlocks

        Nods sagely as I throw the empty wine bottle on the kitchen counter away…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      She tries to drink like a lady
      One, or two at the most
      Three, and she's under the table
      Four, and she's under the host.

      (With apologies to Dorothy Parker)

      • Nothingisamiss

        With applause to Dorothy Parker.

    • Beowoof

      I think you would go into a diabetic coma before you passed out.

  • Weenus299

    What can I, a 40-year-old man loser, learn from a knocked-up little girl who conspires with a crazy mama after dancing with a couple of dudes. I'm intreeged.

  • Barb

    She lost her virginity on a camping trip? I'm sure she helped Levi to pitch both tents.

    • mereoblivion

      LJ to BP: "Relax, baby, your two tents!"

    • RrrEeeeAye, yai, yai, yai.

      Gotta be careful of Tripping over the pup tent stakes.

    • Who in their right mind lets their teen daughter go off into the woods overnight with someone with a penis? That woman is an idiot.

      • SayItWithWookies

        It couldn't be helped — the Palins were painting the sex room that weekend.

      • <i"Who in their right mind…"</i>

        How could Sarah Palin™ deny her daughter an opportunity to create a new life? Right to fuck is the handmaiden of right to life.

      • GOPCrusher

        I bet Mama Grizz is just proud as punch that her daughter admitted to the world that she's a drunken slut.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Now, now, you misunderstood. Bristol is an innocent flower of straight A American underage wholesome virginal teetotalling womanhood who was ravished, ravished, I tell you, by Levi and his hot, throbbing young manhood of which she didn't know there was such a thing, even after, because she fell into a deep swoon after just one wine cooler, not ever having experienced the touch of alcohol to her lips, so despite frequent boinking, which they kept vowing never to do again until married, she never quite realized what it was about Levi that made her loins flutter and eventually, ta-da, a new little gift from God to exploit.

          • tessiee

            "How did this bump get on my tummy?"

      • LetUsBray

        And who the fuck goes camping in Alaska in March?

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Now, that's a good question.

      • PristineODummy

        That's the part that intrigues me. You're the mother of a teenage female, who is literally a bundle of horMOANS. You're going to let her go camping with a studly little hot bundle of boyHORMONES??? Not without barbed wire lining her cunt and explosives strapped to both boobies. AND a fully-armed squad of TuffDoodz between their tents.

  • Just what we needed in these troubled times: An inspirational heroine to bring out the best this country has to offer.
    ~

    • Guppy06

      "An inspirational heroine"

      Ah, so the Velvet Underground song was about her.

  • Weenus299

    What kind of person blacks out on wine coolers? God, that's a damn challenge right there. Some kind of date-rape drug must've been used.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You'd need to take a couple of Sherpas along to haul that many wine coolers on a camping trip. Or did they use a dog sled?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Snow machine!

    • ChessieNefercat

      I believe our straight A (bwahaha!), innocent, pure young virginal maiden (America's Sweetheart!) was implying that she had never touched alcohol or a boy before Levi "Snidely Whiplash" Johnston led her astray with his lusty redneck manhood.

      So even a wine cooler just set her poor little ol' eyes to fluttering and before you know it, she was sound asleep and snoring with her legs splayed wide open and Levi just having his way with her.

      Then they did it again and again and again, while promising not to do it again ever. Or some such self-serving pile of steaming, lying, self-deluding, contradictory bullshit (a chip off the old block!). (Or chippy.)

      • tessiee

        "she was sound asleep and snoring with her legs splayed wide open and Levi just having his way with her"

        i.e., a typical Saturday night in Wasilla.

    • AJWjr.

      Here I was thinking that Levi's a cheap date.

    • PsycWench

      Perhaps it was Jack Daniels and she really meant "whine cooler".

    • Beowoof

      Well when you have naturally occurring doofies, rufies aren't necessary.

  • She's definitely explained what step 3 of the Underwear Gnomes plan is:

    1. Mom is a failed beauty queen with ambitions above and beyond her intelligence and abilities
    2. US America is full of idiots who, have no comprehension of knowledge beyond Walmart and corn syrup based products, will vote for her mom because she is a) hot (for a mid 40s Red State woman who can proudly see her feet in the last 10 years) b) white c) dirty dances on a cross while wearing US America flag
    3. (Used to be ????) Was a stupid teenager, not well educated but shot out of a famous baby cannon (step1). Takes advantage of it and "writes" an "autobiography"

    4. As we all know… Profit (thanks to step 2.)

    That's quite an accomplishment and a life worthy an autobiography.

    • V572 [SSAN]

      Really. Suck it, Henry Adams, Ben Franklin, Woody Guthrie, Frederick Douglass, Malcom X, Ulysses S Grant, Nelson Mandela, and that colored man in the White House (Dreams of my Father, indeed…)

    • ChessieNefercat

      Cue the founding fathers rolling in their graves, stopping only to slit their throats at what a waste it all turned out to be.

      • zhubajie

        Probably Franklin would've done her!

        • ChessieNefercat

          And would have written an awesome reminiscence of the experience, probably involving "rogering" and "whores" and skirts flung over heads.

          • flamingpdog

            Ben Franklin – the real Father of our Country – or at least half of it.

  • CapeClod

    She has now officially written more books than she has read.

    • That's true, but not true if you count as a "book" the instructions for dollar-store pregnancy-test sticks. In that case, she's read quite a lot, I'd say.

      • ChessieNefercat

        You may be giving her too much credit. I'm pretty sure they come with little pictures and diagrams.

  • "Not Afraid to Grift."

    • tessiee

      Not afraid to ovulate.

  • LesPaultard

    Blackout? What a convenient way to blame the wine. I bet she enjoyed every minute of it, drunk but wide awake.

    • tessiee

      Well, it's not like she had all that much of a basis for comparison, at least not at the time.
      Something tells me that ol' boy's not much of a one for foreplay.

      • flamingpdog

        Dick goes in, dick comes out. Never a miscommunication.

  • hollywooddood

    She had sex passed out drunk on wine coolers in a tent with no memory of it? Sounds like my regular Saturday night.

  • "Levi Johnston also got someone else pregnant, so Tripp has a sibling?"

    Trig?

    • zhubajie

      He's father of his city!

    • PristineODummy

      Tripp, Track, Trig, Tup — who can remember?

  • Guppy06

    Not Afraid of The Cock: What Mom Never Told Me About Birds and Bees (and Condoms and Pills)

    That could fill at least one book.

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Nobody wanted Bristol Palin to win on Dancing With the Stars, because everybody in Hollywood hates Sarah Palin.

    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    WE'RE SO OPPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS OUR 14TH AMENDMENT??????????????????

    • fuflans

      i'm sorry but you correctly placed that apostrophe.

    • PristineODummy

      Tattooed on my ass, motherfuckers, come get it. (You know I'm just gonna shit on their heads when they start to readin'.)

  • Barb

    She says that she "confronted" Levi the next day. This implied date rape and she is very irresponsible to memorialize this in a book. Look, there is a 50-50 chance their kid may learn to read one day and that would suck to have to read about his parents "bumping uglies" and the fact that his mom is a lush and his dad has that "a stiff dick has no conscience" attitude. Poor kid is going to need tons of therapy.

    • Arken

      I'm thinking there's more than a 50-50 chance that Levi's lawyer might learn about such an accusation.

      • horsedreamer_1

        The truth is an absolute defense against libel. Save for the fact that a Palin is congenitally unable to distinguish the truth, then, I think Bristol's on solid legal ground with her allegation.

    • dr_giraud

      "Poor kid is going to need tons of METH." /fixed

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The kid will get no more therapy than Bristol did, and will turn out to be an equally valuable member of society.

    • James Michael Curley

      The question also remains, that if Trip's birth was proof that Trig wasn't Bristol's who the hell goes camping in Alaska IN APRIL?

    • SorosBot

      I think you mean the fact that his mom is a lush who will invent a story that his dad raped her almost three years after he was born so that she can claim she is still a virgin at heart.

      • MissTaken

        Still A Virgin At Heart

        Good job Soros, you just gave Bristol the title to her next book!

      • Beowoof

        Didn't Christine O'Donnell re-virgin herself after being the high school skank whore?

        • Beowoof

          Commenting while on line from Harv's Harley leads to distracted posting. However, the Harley is riding well. And McDonnell is a bad memory for me.

    • DashboardBuddha

      "Look, there is a 50-50 chance their kid may learn to read one day"

      I lol'd.

    • Tundra Grifter

      What was there to "confront' Levi about if she was passed out at the time of The Dirty Deed?

      However, if that is a true story, Levi is an even bigger slimeball than we all thought. Why would she have become "engaged" with him after this wonderful campfire engagement?

    • PristineODummy

      It's their kid. What are the chances it will ever learn to read? Also, wut therapy? AK rednecks don't do therapy, they just shoots up sump'n instead.

  • And it looks like Bristol got a face lift to go with it, by the hair of her Jay Leno chinny, chin, chin.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    In my imagination I picture this as a black-hood abduction. Shock troops, sacks over the head, thrown into a van…

    • DaRooster

      … on their heads… which explains a lot.

  • bureaucrap

    Her next journey: the remainder bin — .50 Ameros.

  • It sez there are two US Americas. One who will design (not build) amazing technology for the improvement of mankind. The other who believes that owning (not reading) two books related to Sarah Palin makes them edumakated and intelligenz.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I think Palin was relating her time doing karaoke & performing Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman", but the rest of us thought she was talking about accepting Mc Cain's VP offer.

    Word salad — how does it work?

  • Well to be fair, Bristol spreads too… but in a different kind of way.

    • horsedreamer_1

      She is fecund.

      • tessiee

        She's also fecund-rate.

    • AJWjr.

      But she's not spread too thin, now is she?

  • Barb

    Yes, Meghan McCain "ignored" you. Your family was an embarrassment. You were a knocked up teen with a mouth-breather, fake husband-to-be. Jesus, your family had to be taken out and dressed. People had to buy your father underwear! How white trash is that? Your mom had to be polished before she could be presented to the public. Then she went out and made a complete chimp of herself.

    • CapeClod

      I bet Meghan took one look at that menagerie and thought:
      "We're boned."

      • Barb

        CapeClod, do you get the feeling that Meghan isn't going to take this sitting down? She doesn't strike me as the kind of young woman who lets people talk smack about her and her mom. I can't wait to hear her rebuttal and for the male Wonkette members sake, I hope she has boobie pics to go with it.

        • CapeClod

          Oh, I definately think we will hear from Megs on this, and if Bristol has any sense, (obviously she doesn't) she will shut up and let it go.

          • AJWjr.

            BOOK LIBEL!

          • ChessieNefercat

            "… if Bristol has any sense, (obviously she doesn't) she will shut up and let it go."

            Oh, that's a good one! A Palin letting something go! Bwahahah!
            I'm impressed if you could type that with a straight face, as if we were talking about a normal human being.

          • Beowoof

            I would much rather see Meghan that hear her.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          No rebuttal needed. Megs will just say, "Yeah, so?"

        • HistoriCat

          "for the male Wonkette members sake, I hope she has boobie pics to go with it"

          Thanks for looking out for us Barb.

        • MozakiBlocks

          I read the article on another site and my first thought was "Oh hell no, the Wonketteers will not take this insult to our Meghan of the Perpetual Motion lying down".

          To arms!!!!!!

    • James Michael Curley

      So with McCain as Lear, who is Cordelia? Who is Reagan? We already know who Gonorrhea is.

      • Angry_Marmot

        A win, a very palpable WIN.

    • EBGrey

      "Jesus, your family had to be taken out and dressed." Barb, that's gold right there. I salute you.

    • You are so awesome.

    • tessiee

      "Jesus, your family had to be taken out and dressed. People had to buy your father underwear!"

      "I bet they had to throw him on his back to get shoes on him."

      [it's official; I'm channeling Dorothy Parker today for some reason]

    • zhubajie

      Get Mons Meg to write up her version of things, including perhaps an erotic encounter with Levi!

      • flamingpdog

        an erotic encounter with Levi? Jeeze, I would hope at least one of these young women would keep her story somewhere in the realm of reality.

        • zhubajie

          Or maybe with Bristle. Or a threesome. As long as we're fantasizing grotesquely here.

  • Beowoof

    Well now Brisdull puts all the blame on Levi for a date rape. Next thing you know she will want him prosecuted. Well maybe not, it is difficult to get child support from a guy in prison.

    • Mort_Sinclair

      Levi better himself a lawyer–again. Date rape is exactly what she is suggesting. There's nothing like the smell of libel in the morning.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Bristol used to ghost write for some Shakespeare guy. I seen it. I seen it with my eyes!

  • jodyleek

    I hear she's working on a follow up: "Not Afraid of the Scalpel: My plastic surgeries so far".

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Not Afraid of the Ob-Gyn: My Pregnancies so Far."

  • This news has encouraged my cat, Max, to write an Autobiography!

    He's working on the following concept:

    "Not Afraid of Dogs: My Nine Lives So Far"

    Some Chapters: "Why do other cats eat my vomit?", "Litterbox Tails and Trails", "The Day I Wrecked the House to Catch a Bug", "Humans, so fucking stupid, but I would probably starve without them".

    • V572 [SSAN]

      "Why Do Humans Get So Mad When You Bring Them Half-Dead Birds?"

    • ChessieNefercat

      Aw, sounds like my kitty!

    • Buckminster

      "Hairballs: Always Deposit in Mom's Shoes"

      • tessiee

        If someone could duplicate the sound of a cat about to yak up a hairball and market it as an alarm clock, they'd make a zillion dollars.

        • PristineODummy

          Jezus, that sound can wake me from a bed-wetting sleep to screaming-at-the-top-of-the-lungs-while-running-around-with-paper-towels on high alert in 15 seconds flat.

    • tessiee

      Nothing about cheezburgers?

      • PristineODummy

        No. She Can Not Haz.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Not Afraid of My LIfe, but I GIve Baby Dingo Eaters The Willies"

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Your best sellers — and every marketing class ever — tell you 100% of the time to never include a negative in the title / product name / item you're shilling.

    But based on everything else I've ever read from Bristol, it's a surprise she didn't include "I", "me" or "my" in the title. Twice.

    deit: GOD DAMMIT, SHE PUT "MY" IN THE SUBTITLE.

    • LowProfileinGA

      Also, too.

  • ThundercatHo

    "America's new mascot of Courage"? Does she get a big, furry, colorful costume like Slider? Will she pass out free t-shirts that say, "Snowbilly Grifter 2011 Tour?

  • BTW, what's REALLY so damn stupid about a Bristol Palin biography is that PEOPLE WILL BUY IT!

    • zhubajie

      They'll give it to their kids for graduation or confirmation or something.

    • GOPCrusher

      And praise her for being brave and writing it.

      Damn you Reagan, for turning loose the criminally insane!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Nothing is ever any of the Palins' fault. It's the lame stream media & their gotcha questions (What do you read?), liberal eelites or un-'real' Americans. These people are the 2nd coming to the rednecks and just gross losers to the rest of us.

    • Notice the jab at birth control also, implying that the pill doesn't work.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Would've been nice to have one of those rape-kits that mom purged from the city health dept., though.

        Now, I'm imagining Bristol as Chazz in Wedding Crashers: she's sitting opposite John Beckwith (in this case, portrayed by Megz) & going on about how awesome it is with Levi, punctuating her monologue at various points with "Ma, the rape-kit!".

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The pro "Life" title is equally subtle.

        I'm not clear on what readers are expected to learn from her "journey so far," other than "It's much easier to be an idiot, if you have money."

      • Gopherit

        Someone should have told her it wasn't a suppository.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    With that said, you remind me how happy I am that my daughter has been dating the same man for a year. Happy Anniversary, Little Chicken!

  • neiltheblaze

    You have to admit, though – that gorilla routine was right out of Isadora Duncan.

  • Serolf_Divad

    So Bristol wants us to believe:

    1) She was on birth control pills for menstrual cramps, not because she was sexually active.
    2) She was raped. She didn't actually intend to have teenage sex with the man she eventually became engaged to.
    3) Insurance paid for her cosmetic surgery because it was needed to address an underlying medical condition.

    OK, so she lies as "well" and frequently as her mother. That much is clear.

  • freakishlywrong

    This has been the longest fifteen minutes in my god-dammed life.

    • Mort_Sinclair

      The Groundhog Day of quarter hours. Eternally repetitive.

  • Ansnarkist

    I completely read the title of that article backwards and thought this was going to be about Bristol Palin explaining how to get drunk while pregnant. I guess she's not ready to let go of Alaska's biggest secret yet.

    • James Michael Curley

      Read backwards it reads; "The Walrus is dead."

    • tessiee

      "Bristol Palin explaining how to get drunk while pregnant"

      I thought pregnant women weren't supposed to drink.
      Doesn't drinking during pregnancy make the baby come out…
      Oh, right.

  • SorosBot

    How many sentences in her book are not just outright lies, anyway? I'm guessing none.

    • "Everything she says is a lie, including 'and' and 'the."' – Mary McCarthy on Lillian Hellman.

      • riverside68

        You know that Hellman won that libel litigation.

        (Apparently not easy to show that 'and' and 'the' are lies.)

    • Not_So_Much

      Remember, she didn't actually write any complete sentences herself. Just sat talking in short, emo bursts that her new chin implant could handle, about how Levi took advantage…..so many, many sweet, wondrous times…

  • DashboardBuddha

    Not Afraid of Life: Mein Kampf So Far

    (sorry…didn't mean to go Godwin so early, but sometimes the jokes [good and bad] write themselves.)

    • Negropolis

      That was horribly delicious.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Shouldn't it be "Mein Kampfing Trip, So Far"?

  • DaSandman

    And the next title in the series will be "Cocks as I Have Found Them" or "Open Up and Say Ahhhhh"

  • Mumbletypeg

    I like the image of Bristol chugging from a canteen some fruity winecooler — the 'gateway beverage' to more adult consumptions — but it underscores the tool she's become since that earlier time, from which her shrew-mother was all too happy to become the gateway for hereditary self-exploitation.

    Also it's been noted Chelsea initially got the cold shoulder from her blonder, blue-blooded counterparts the Gore daughters. Yet she's emerged by and large a woman who could put those slights behind her and proved she knew how to use the smarts she inherited. So if Megs's giving you the high hat doesn't kill you, Bristo, it's supposed to make you stronger i.e. transcend media scrutiny, not become its whore.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Here's something: Sarah Palin was just turned four when Bradley Nowell was born.

    &, today, even dead for fifteen years, he's still more qualified to be President than Sarah.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Bet she makes more money on this book than all the memoirs written by SNCC activists put together. America!

  • catchtheflava

    Obviously gearing up for the presidential run. Obama had "Dreams From My Father," she has "Stuntin' Like My Mommy."

  • petehammer

    Hey English/creative writing majors!

    Ur doing it wrong.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I dunno. I could easily use the book as an example to my English Comp students of how quickly books go to the remainder bin.

    • Oh fuck. You mean laboring endlessly over every word doesn't count?

    • I hadn't been thinking about that, and now I am. And now I will light myself on fire.

  • SorosBot

    Reading through the article, it doesn't take long to get to proof that she's a total idiot:

    "Palin writes that she was shocked when the senator's wife offered to be a godmother to her unborn baby: "I had just met her and I wondered why she wanted any type of guardianship over my child." "

    Um, she didn't want any type of guardianship. A godmother is a completely meaningless ceremonial religious position, one that everyone forgets about once the baptism is over. She was going for a little cross-family PR. Seriously, what the fuck does asking to be named godmother have to do with a kids' guardianship?

    • Barb

      Exactly Soros! Having her as a Godmother would have provided an occasional gift for birthdays and other important milestones, such as graduation. Yeah, like that graduation would have ever happened.

      Sarah wrote in one of her books that she had to take her girls out of one school because of the threat of "gang rape" The Principal has no idea to this day what this is about. Bristol implies date rape in this book. There is a common theme in this family that everyone is trying to rape them, attack and/or take control of their children (sending them to "death panels") and people are trying to keep them from speaking freely. Always the victim in this family.

      • SorosBot

        Hell, remember how Sarah actually managed to claim she was the victim in the Giffords shooting. Ugh; this family is pathological; media, please stop feeding their constant cravings for attention.

        Also, Levi probably has a good case for slander here.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Yes, the family obsession with rape/pedophilia and the casual attitude toward accusing others of such crimes and the verbal emasculation of any male that annoys them is getting downright creepy.

        • SorosBot

          They keep accusing others while Sarah, as mayor and governor, did a lot of work to make sure actual rapists would have an easy time avoiding prosecution. Maybe it's easy to accuse others of rape when you believe it's no big deal and really the woman's fault?

      • AJWjr.

        Reminds me of an old Barney Miller episode where an octogenarian woman accused everyone of trying to rape her, except that show was funny, not creepy, like everything ever ghost-written for a Palin.

      • zhubajie

        Probably all the teens screw all the other teens while their parents wonder how they learned about sex when no one ever told them. It goes on like this generation after generation….

    • harry_palmer

      Godparents take over the moral upbringing of the child in the case where the parents are incapacitated, so you can see how she feels the threat.

    • mumbly_joe

      Well, to be fair, godparents, or padrinos are a role that's given much more significance in Latin-american cultures, and often includes the expectation of guardianship in the absensce of parents and since Juan McCain is obviously an illegal Panamanian, it stands to reason that Palin might infer that Mrs. McCain might have been offerring to live up to these duties, in between setting wildfires to distract people from McCain's immigration status.

    • zhubajie

      I don't think Pentecostals have god-parents!

  • neiltheblaze

    Only in America can you have someone ghost-write your autobiography at the age of 20 when you haven't actually done anything worth writing about. Being a hanger-on relative of a failed VP candidate is now an accomplishment. Yay America!

  • Numbat_Dundee

    I blacked out drunk when I was 18, but I didn't get pregnant. Why? Because I have a penis – a lesson to all young teens. I have no idea what else happened apart from the standing ovation I received from my classmates when they next saw me..
    Also I didn't drink wine coolers. That would have been sooo crass. I drank wine, and whiskey and Bacardi (a mistake) and…I forget.
    Still, if I had by some fabulous miracle become pregnant, and if by some even more fabulous miracle my feminist Mum hadn't allowed me to terminate the pregnancy, I doubt the world, or even a tiny bit of the world, would give a flying fuck about me or whether I was snubbed by some rich blonde bitch with the big knockers.
    I would be on the Sole Supporting Parents Pension because I'm Australian.
    And if I was American I would be dealing Meth because that's what Paul Revere would have wanted.

    • HistoriCat

      That … that was beautiful.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Are you Lady Gaga?

      • Numbat_Dundee

        Only on weekends.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Amazing. +++++++

    • UW8316154

      *sniff*

      /tears up

    • Negropolis

      **slowly chanting** USA! USA! **pace quickening** USA! USA! **deafening roar** USA! USA! USA! USA!

      'Tis true, 'tis true. Bacardi flowed that night of Revere's famous ride like the mighty Mississippi. It's why his bell ringin' and warnin' shot firin' was so enthusiastic.

  • Pragmatist2

    Managing that fine line between drunken lust and projectile vomiting is not as easy as it may seem.
    Bravo Bristol! You are truly someone your mother could be proud of.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Like when your "date" throws up all over your shoes and then, feeling somewhat better, decides it would be a good time to make out?

      • tessiee

        That is why you should always carry Tic Tacs.

        • Tundra Grifter

          Unless those come in Industrial Strength, more like a toothbruth and some Lysol gargle.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    ACORN took care of the voting for them. It was 878-3 in favor.

    • tessiee

      Diebold took care of the voting for them.

      fxd

  • MrFizzy

    I'm getting the feeling she may be W's secret spawn.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    It was the best of times, It was the time I blacked out.

  • SorosBot

    And fuck you, ABC, for uncritically giving this idiot's spin without question. They whole article is just propaganda for her; they even unironically include the line, "Now, though she's made hundreds of thousands of dollars lecturing to young adults about abstinence, she relishes her maternal instincts." What maternal instincts?

    And Bristol, no one wanted you to win that stupid dancing show because you were a horrible dancer and only kept going because your mother's worshipers kept voting for you; and it's not everybody in Hollywood who hates your mother, it's every single person in America outside of her cult of personality.

    • Barb

      "Maternal instincts?" Like how she kept a date rapist, serial cheating, pussy hound away from her two younger sisters? Levi is this horrible person and she invited him in and was willing to make him a member of the family.

      • SorosBot

        But Levi was a wonderful person and great father – until they broke up. Then the whole family started slandering him everywhere, leading to this accusation of rape which is in no way completely inconsistent with the way the family treated the guy when they were engaged, almost as if it was invented recently.

  • So when she said she and her date rapist were getting back together, she was just feeling… thirsty???

  • Limeylizzie

    Well, back in my heyday, I managed to get drunk, get laid often and not get pregnant. So fuck you, Bristol, I clearly win in the drunken slutty behaviour sweepstakes.

    • SorosBot

      Yes, but you were not using birth control – for cramps only, of course – that magically failed, in a way that would go right along with the abstinence-only education propaganda lies about birth control were it actually true and not as transparently fake as your new chin.

    • Congratulations on taking your birth control pill everyday. Maybe Momma Griz should have mashed it up in Bristol's peanut butter sammichs.

    • Given the choice between LouSarah's Bristol and your own, I most assuredly would have preferred sharing a heyday with you.

  • You have got to be fucking kidding me.

    Not only do we have to now be subjected to Brisdull's collection of serial thought-farts, here presented as if they have credibility, but we are expected to accept a hackneyed attempt to discredit the use of birth control?

    Here's a clue, honey: in order to use those little pills correctly, you have to have the capacity to COUNT. Obviously this is where you failed. (Above and beyond everything else).

    And wine coolers? How apropos. I just can't add anything to that.

    Yes, Wonketteers are mean.

    • ThundercatHo

      Actually, no math skills are needed to take birth control pills. You just have to take one everyday since placebo pills are provided for the days that your um, "little friend comes to visit."

    • fuflans

      yup. i relied on those little puppies for over a decade and can say with complete satisfaction that they were 100% successful – with some pretty serious challenges to their efficacy.

    • Buckminster

      1. Place pill firmly between knees.
      2. Don't drink wine coolers.
      See, that wasn't so hard.

  • The Palins lie just for the practice. The strategy seems to be to get so many versions of every event out that that even they don't remember what actually happened. Much like that fateful camping trip.

  • ChessieNefercat

    "And I thought it was because she danced like a bear in a Russian circus. "

    Except less gracefully.

  • As a fan of plushy women, I'm willing to give it a shot. And it wouldn't cost too much in beer heiress dollars to pay me to go away afterwards.

  • ChessieNefercat

    "An inspiring book and must read for all skanks, tramps and ne'er-do-wells of the female persuasion. "

    So true! If only they could, or could be persuaded to, read.

  • baconzgood

    Hey Bristol Palin, you stupid slut. You write a "memoir" in the twilight of life. AFTER YOU ACCOMPLISHED SOMTHING!!!!!! ANY-FUCKING-THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Nothingisamiss

      I'm taking a guess that you're just back from a liquid lunch.

      Although, of course, I agree with you.

  • ChessieNefercat

    "Also, they still make wine coolers?!?!"

    Probably not as of the date of publication of this impressive tome.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Come on now, nobody with an ounce of brains would ever waste their time dis…
    Oh dear.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Yeah, but none of us will actually buy it. Will we?

  • Well there is always this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C17yfGyJjM

  • ChessieNefercat

    "Shouldn't it have been called "Should Have Been Afraid Of Wine Coolers" ? "

  • StarsUponThars

    TMI, Bristol, just TMI.

    • SorosBot

      Now, there is TM there, but there is no I whatsoever.

  • harry_palmer

    Someone should have told her the birth control pill was not a suppository.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Someone should have told her the birth control pill was not a suppository. "

      They did, but geez, cut her some slack; it has five syllables!

  • rambone

    Not a bad title, but Mein Kampf would have been better.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Mein Kampfing Trip" would be best.

  • SenileAgitation

    Spill the wine, fuck that girl. I get it. She's still a legitimate abstinence advocate because she would never have willingly encouraged any penis intrusion sperm delivery event outside the sacred bonds of man+woman marriage, but was tricked into it by Seagram's. That's a story all American youth need to understand so they can make informed choices about what outfit to wear to Dancing with the Stars auditions.

    • tessiee

      Yeah, it was nothing but rape, rape, rape all summer long.

  • Redhead

    "Levi Johnston also got someone else pregnant, so Tripp has a sibling?"

    Sarah and Trig! It actually makes perfect sense, in a Glenn Beck their-names-have-the-same-letters kind of way. And that is this book's target audience after all.

  • jus_wonderin

    So, Bristol has pretty much written the road map for young males on how to get your girl in the sack. When/if her young'un is able to read he can use the text as manual.

    • tessiee

      Her youngun will be having sex before he's able to read.

  • AJWjr.

    Fetal alcohol syndrome could help explain some things. Just sayin'.

    • GOPCrusher

      Is that a possible cause of Down's Syndrome?

  • jus_wonderin

    Oh, BTW, Bristol. We don't fucking care.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hmm, according to her publisher's website, Les Bris is in pretty good company, right up there with noted memoirists Tatum O'Neal and Nikki Sixx.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Get back to me as soon as Bristol writes a ballad as awesome as "Nona".

      • tessiee

        Or wins an Oscar like Tatum O'Neal did.

  • Come here a minute

    Happy families are all alike; every media whore family whores the media in its own way

    • horsedreamer_1

      I can see Russian Literature from my house!

  • MLite

    Keeping it classy.

  • Limeylizzie

    Well, this would be helpful for those gentleman who may be afflicted with what we Brits call "Brewer's Droop".
    http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/06/20/us-futu

    • Steverino247

      Who says the United States has a higher standard of living than European countries?

  • Hey, I have been a black out drunk many, many times, and I'm not famous. what gives?

  • harry_palmer

    Think of the upside. You're still you now that it's all over, but she'll always have to be her.

  • DahBoner

    In this book, Brisdull calls Levi a "knat".

    I'd call him more of a "honeybee", since he stung her…

  • ThundercatHo

    Better idea: Pot brownies and French martinis. Club members take turns reading aloud and acting out passages from this noble tome. Y'all will laugh yourselves silly and it will be the best mtg ever.

    • FraAnima

      Good point. It will have the added benefit that, with sufficient quantities of pot and alcohol, we'll forget what we read and just remember what a great time we had.

  • zhubajie

    It always feels good in the end!

    • Guppy06

      If it was in the end, she wouldn't be knocked up.

    • GOPCrusher

      Sarah does anal?

      • Beowoof

        Whenever she talks it does sounds as if a big one has just been jammed in the back door.

      • zhubajie

        With 6 children, probably not. I meant that it always feels good whenI cum, but I foolishly had fit of prudery.Maybe that's why Todd goes to the harlots: anal sex!

  • cheetojeebus

    Looking at her audience<shudder> she can write (or have written for her) anything that comes into her little empty coconut. She could go full Munchausen and they'd just lap that shit up. It's been pretty clear for some time that for this clan the truth or even the pursuit of it holds no interest. So, given that, she sure didn't have written a very interesting book? There doesn't seem to be any tales of discovering oil while on a hunting trip "shootin' at some food" or even any sightings of Sasquatch? Boring…

  • LowProfileinGA

    It means our fate as a nation has been decided, and it ain't good.

  • iburl

    "Not Afraid of Life: The story of the daughter of a half term governor from a stupid state with less people than a mid-sized city"

    Soon to be a major motion picture.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Similar to Woodward & Bernstein getting generously cast with Redford & Hoffmann, Bristol will be played by Jennifer Lawrence.

  • Barb

    Okay, by a show of hands, how many of you here were "straight-A students" in high school? Bristol claims that she was. She switched schools to avoid a "gang rape" and she had mono and was out of school for a great deal of time and still managed to be "straight-A?"

    • To avoid "gang rape"? Was she going to high school or living in a penal colony?

      • GOPCrusher

        HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHHHUHUHUHUH….you said "penal".

    • SenileAgitation

      Home schooling. She switched from the living room to the dining room to avoid incestuous double teaming. The "A"s were for effort.

    • Beowoof

      My attitude in high school was influenced by beer and playing hockey, so no I wasn't a straight A student. Most of the ones I knew who were flunked out of Rensselaer freshman year.

    • SorosBot

      I was not quite a straight A student, owing to my school's Latin requirement; I only got a B+ in freshmen Latin and and flat-out B in AP Virgil. Oh and I got a B+ in AP Physics.

      Then I went to college and discovered having a life, drinking, the ability to skip classes, and actually having to work to do well in more than one or two classes and things went downhill…

    • tessiee

      I might have been a straight A student if I'd actually given two shits about grades and classes… [shrug] eghhhhh, whattya gonna do?

    • UW8316154

      As if having "straight A's" in high school means a goddamn thing by the time you are a few years out of college.

  • Steverino247

    Better title: "I Should Have Danced All Night: What the Hell Was I Thinking?"

    (partial credit to Ernie Kovacs who did a wonderful send up of that My Fair Lady tune with a pregnant woman singing)

  • Steverino247

    Not Afraid of Life–unless, of course, it's the Ebola Virus or HIV. You get that life in your ass and you're scared.

    • PuckStopsHere

      But she is afraid of black people. And Hawaiians, like her mother.

  • occams8ball

    She's not hiding behind a baby or using it as a prop is she? They are both too young for that sort of desperate stunt.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "She's not hiding behind a baby or using it as a prop is she?"

      What? You're supposed to do something else with them?

  • horsedreamer_1

    True. Being in New York City four years, they prolly got to Staten Island at least once, & got their fill of exposure to such people.

  • zhubajie

    They create their own realities, like a lot of Bushies did!

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Not Afraid of Life: Reflections on The Fucks, The Fetuses, and The Face-Liftings.

  • Sarah will soon be embarking on the, "Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far" book signing tour.
    Meet and greet the famous and courageous Mother of the author of this book!

  • 5thstate

    "ALASKA STAT. § 12.10.010 General time limitations
    (a) No time limit for the prosecution of
    Felony sexual abuse of a minor
    Sexual assault that is an unclassified,
    class A, or class B felony,"

    Note: Unclassified is 1st degree sexual assault, a felony. Class A is 2nd degree, felony
    Class B is 3rd degree, felony

    (b) (1) For the following offense, within 10 years
    after commission of the offense>/b>:
    Sexual assault in the third degree, when
    offender engages in sexual contact with
    a victim who the offender knows is
    mentally incapable,
    incapacitated, or
    unaware that a sexual act is being
    committed (§ 11.41.425 (a) (1))

    Given the results of pitching a tent, it would appear that Bristol is the victim of 1st degree sexual assault (unclassified), for which there is no statue of limitations. Unless she's not, of course.

    Levi's ex-GF just accused him of 1sr degree sexual assault and she can press charges any time she wants to Or not. Or maybe she will, or maybe she'll get on a bus first ans see what she can rustle up, Or not. Or maybe? . .

    • AJWjr.

      In any civilized state, if the victim is a minor, the state will prosecute regardless of the wishes of the victim since victimhood is implied simply because she was below the age of consent, or some such shit.

      • tessiee

        "victimhood is implied simply because she was below the age of consent"

        In this instance, victimhood is implied simply because she's a member of that family.
        They're all victims.
        All the time.
        Of everything.

    • Sexual assault in the third degree, when offender engages in sexual contact with
      a victim who the offender knows is mentally incapable,

      So anyone who has ever had sex with any of the Palins, ever?

  • MrFizzy

    I think Bristol spells it "creetons".

  • zhubajie

    I can't wait for Levi's opus!

    • ChessieNefercat

      "I can't wait for Levi's opus! "

      I don't care what that little slut says about not remembering anything, that's what she really said to her friends before the fateful camping trip.

      • zhubajie

        Well, I'm sure that if you hung around the bars and coffee shops of Wasilla, you'd hear a lot, over time. Maybe if you read the graffiti in the toilets, too.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He already wrote it – the guy can out-grift the Palins!
      http://www.amazon.com/Deer-Headlights-Sarah-Palin

  • jqheywood

    She is more of a leff d'oeuvre….

  • AJWjr.

    The only reason she went as far as she did is because a shit ton of idiots decided it would be fun to vote for the worst.

  • smitallica

    It says that even rightwing idiots who would read this tripe don't want to be seen actually holding it.

  • Crank_Tango

    wine cooler libel! ?

    • jqheywood

      No…wine cooler label. It clearly said "Drink Responsibly"

  • Barb

    Lol, go to Amazon.com and check out the tags for this book:
    crayons not included, grifter, joke, endless mad lib possibilities, narcissism, how to profit from being a high school drunk……

    • Steverino247

      Shoot! You're four minutes of ahead of me. Yes, the tags are BRUTAL. Love it. Oh, it's also the top tagged book for Narcissism, ahead of books on the actual subject with that word in the title.

    • DashboardBuddha

      This was priceless:

      This reviewer's political agenda is clear. I suggest that a more life-affirming attitude, supportive of Bristol's finding her own way, might have enabled her to enjoy this book more. Those who love what Bristol and Sarah Palin represent – the hope of returning to the fundamental American values of God, guns, and genocide – will no doubt have a very different experience while reading this autobiography.

      Well done, David

    • ChessieNefercat

      That was fun! I contributed "teen trollop" and "not afraid of lying."

      • tessiee

        Has "cum dumpster" already been done?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Norplant? Depo-Provera? (I think Depo's only good for three months, though.)

    (& Norplant might have been taken off-market.)

    • zhubajie

      Whatever, I would think it would be the normal thing for parents ofteen daughters. To expect people to have puberty at age 12 and thennot have sex till they get married at age 30 is absurd. Though not tooabsurd for fundamentalist parents, I'm afraid. I'm thinking of anindividual who got married and pg at age 19, then wondered why her twogirls got pg at age 19….

  • jqheywood

    I hate to be pedantic about it, but shouldn't that read "sittin' at the family table and votin'"?

  • smitallica

    "Nobody wanted Bristol Palin to win on Dancing With the Stars, because everybody in Hollywood hates Sarah Palin."

    No, sweetie. Everybody in most cities hates Sarah Palin.

    • elviouslyqueer

      No, sweetie. Everybody in most cities parts of the world that aren't completely cut off from civilization hates Sarah Palin.

      /fixed

    • DaRooster

      Yeah, but NOBODY doesn't like Sara Lee…

  • orygoon

    Am I one of the only Merkins who doesn't believe this pathetic attempt to claim a weird kind of immaculate conception? And then in no time she figures out that the baby is her gold mine. What a family, state, and country.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Why do we have to be negative all the time? Instead of hating on poor little Bristol's celebrity memoir, which she didn't write, why not some geek love for Simon Pegg's Nerd Do Well, which he most assuredly did?

  • prommie

    She had to have a book, for the grift. Its the standard conservative modus operandi for un-subtly hiding their bribes (as in Newt Gingrich accepting a $4 million book advance from Rupert Murdoch, then shepherding through the legislation that would allow a foreigner to own TV stations in the US, and later, the legislation to allow one person to own a newspaper and TV station in the same market) and serving a a pretense for diverting more money from their "charitable cause" into their pocket. You see, her charity will be buying this book by the ten-thousand, to give away to donors (and incidentally, to push onto the bestseller lists). Its public grifter 101 stuff, you gotta have a book.

  • Billmatic

    This tears it: I'm going to knock up some politician's teenage daughter so I can pay off my student loans.

  • Limeylizzie

    She probably doesn't have healthcare and her mother wouldn't encourage that so she was screwed in every sense of the word.

    • GOPCrusher

      They don't distribute birth control in the Canadian Health Care System?

  • fuflans

    ok 'land-bound manatee' wins my comment on the day.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Sigh…I could write a rather long screed about people I have known who have triumphed over adversity who's stories are infinitely more interesting than this self-aggrandizing twit's…but why bother.

  • El Pinche

    It's not bad, here's an excerpt:

    Levi sat and watched me by the campfire as I downed all six of the Seagrams Lime Twisters. He then walked over to me and pulled off my Wranglers as layed there like a drunken slutty rag doll. He stared my silver dollar nipples for a moment then he continued to beast fuck me. I could smell the whiskey and Skoal on his breath as I closed my eyes and I prayed to Jesus , "I want a miracle…..a baby miracle." Then he shot rope all over my face.

    • Steverino247

      Que Bueno!

    • horsedreamer_1

      I think Jones Soda Co. just found its new flavour: Limes with Whore.

      • El Pinche

        A round of Limes with Whore for everyone!

    • tessiee

      Needz moar brand names.

  • jqheywood

    Yeah but which one, Bartles or James, knocked her up?

    • Angry_Marmot

      Let's hope she wasn't drinking Night Train.

  • SorosBot

    No, I'm not implying that; I'm stating outright that they made shit up, that the two of them at least are congenital liars who constantly change their stories for self-aggrandizement and profit.

    • tessiee

      I think they enjoy lying so much, that they would lie about something that actually made them worse off than the truth would.

      • LetUsBray

        See Sarah's "Wild Ride" to giving birth…

  • ganmerlad

    Wake me up when she writes her memoir at 40. The one that tells the 'unvarnished' truth about her narcissistic mother; the unending lies the family had to tell in the pursuit of Lou Sarah's power; the embarrassing episode that lead Bristol to the realization that conservatism is inhuman and selfish; and why she felt she had to take on an alias and move to Newfoundland where she found lasting happiness with a taxidermist. I won't waste my money before then.

    • AJWjr.

      With any luck at all, I'll be dead by then.

      • ganmerlad

        I was sorta thinking that too, only not because of luck, just cause of getting old.

  • ChessieNefercat

    "Aren't there birth control implants that make one impregnable for years at a time? "

    Yes. The most effective one is intelligence combined with education.

    • DaRooster

      Yes."The most effective one is intelligence combined with education."
      Bristol:"Huh? All I heard was a couple of 3 syllable words that sounded like 'blah blah blah…"

  • fuflans

    ha that's really funny! i was just on amazon yesterday and bought a cast iron skillet for the same amount of money as bristol's memoirs! and with free shipping too!!

    coincidence? i think not.

    • ChessieNefercat

      And the skillet is useful!

      • Barb

        Well, the skillet, unlike Barstool, has a chance of being hot one day. Meat will want to pull out of Barstool faster than the searing hot pan though.

        • tessiee

          Unlike Brillo, you have to get the skillet hot before you put the meat in.

  • gullywompr

    Levi Johnston also got someone else pregnant, so Tripp has a sibling?

    Yeah, some kid with a large crew to protect him from liberal onslaught.

  • SorosBot

    Why can't the Palins act like a nice, normal family, like the Adamses or the Munsters?

    • ChessieNefercat

      They gotta go a long way up the evolutionary ladder to aspire to those heights of couth and class.

  • ChessieNefercat

    I want to hear this whorish moron pronounce "memoir."

    Hint, you grifting little dolt, it is not "mee-moyer."

  • mumbly_joe

    Where, indeed.
    http://www.google.com/search?q=willow+vandalism

    (html markup is being uncooperative)

  • A line from the "book": Every time we saw Meghan, she seemed to be constantly checking us out, comparing my family to hers and complaining," Bristol Palin writes. "Oh the complaining.

    Oh the total lack of self-awareness–which is expected in teenagers but not to this amazing extent.

    Maybe there will be an entertaining catfight from this but that is the best we can expect.

    • tessiee

      "comparing my family to hers and complaining"

      Who could possibly be in the same room as that family of inbred nose-pickers and NOT complain?

  • AJWjr.

    I, like Levi, have all my date-rape victim's names tattooed on my fingers.

    Oh, wait…

  • mavenmaven

    I can't wait for the MOVIE!

    • GOPCrusher

      I can't wait for Mercede Johnston's blog post!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Starring which Pop Tart?

      I think I'll just wait for the tent scene to show up on the porn sites.

  • Buckminster

    This "autobiography" could have been written by any random teenage girl in Wasilla. It's the state disease.

    • zhubajie

      One reason Alaska is a leader in VD!

  • AJWjr.

    Pretty sure you're right, but it's still a pity they didn't choose to go the Romeo and Juliet route instead of rewriting Deliverance, or whatever.

  • Poindexter718

    If it weren't for date rape, she'd never get paid.

    • tessiee

      Or laid.

  • philpjfry

    How much delusion can one mind holdShe is in her early/mid twenties and thinks she has something to say? She has already joined the "Palins v the World" club. To quote the movie little big man,"Sometimes life is just too too riddiculous." Today, like most dats, I am ashamed to be a human being.

  • PsycWench

    If the brownies and martinis aren't available, may I suggest a lovely garnish of hemlock?

  • In the cowardly lion voice: "Put it in! Put it in!"

    She should have learned to guard her musk.

    • tessiee

      "In the cowardly lion voice: "Put it in! Put it in!""

      This made me laugh so hard and cringe so much, simultaneously.

    • tessiee

      Glinda the Good Witch: Why, Whistle, you've always had a brain! It's just… oh, wait. No, you haven't.

  • CZL

    But this is the perfect pro-life schtick! See, even when you're date raped by a hockey player and get teen pregnant, you don't need an abortion because Mommy's campaign money can land you a sweet, do-nothing career and you can afford au pairs to raise your rape baby, so you aren't confronted with a daily reminded of how your autonomy was stripped away.

  • MissTaken

    Hmm….if Bristol was date-raped as she claims did her mom force her to buy her own rape kit like she did to actual victims of rape?

    Didn't think so.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Bristol and mommy dearest's first thought was "Is there money to be made from this?"

      "Were you wearing a blue dress, Brissie? Quick, stick it in a snowbank for safekeeping!"

  • ShiftyParadigm

    I will take this book for my "beach read" next week. And after reading it, I will walk into the ocean and keep walking.

  • And he happened to have 200 wine coolers with him.

  • "Virgin" Mary: Mom, Dad. I'm a virgin and Joseph and I have never done it even when I'm knocked out on wine coolers on camping trips. But somehow I'm pregnant.
    VM's M&D: We believe you because that can happen on camping trips.
    VM: Do you think anyone will care that I'm a pregnant virgin?
    VM's M&D: Nah.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "VM's M&D: We believe you because that can happen on camping trips."*

      *We know, because it happened to us.

  • An_Outhouse

    She's accusing him of date rape, right?

    • DaRooster

      Yep, but since she didn't put up a fight… no 'bortion…

  • GOPCrusher

    Quite a leap in logic to assume that people that hate Bible Spice even watch Dancing With The Stars.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Of course its a lie, even Palin's family wouldn't vote for her

  • chascates

    A coed camping trip of highschoolers? What could go wrong?

    • ChessieNefercat

      "A coed camping trip of highschoolers? What could go wrong? "

      Nothing, in their view.

    • HistoriCat

      It was totally OK – she had taken a birth control pill a few days before.

  • mavenmaven

    Probably with the same cast and will re-use the same sets. Not Afraid of Tribulation!

  • TheSheriffsNear

    "land-bound manatee" for the win!

  • Barb, Barb, Barb. I was afraid of this. Is your home office festooned with notecards taped to every surface, comparing and contrasting the irreconcilable incidents and timelines in all of the Palin "literature"? Don't waste your beautiful mind on this family of vapid, sluttish, hick bunco artists!

  • Beowoof

    She could title that book, If I Had Only Swallowed, Life Lessons from the Frontier.

  • But what about the sluts, trollops and gold-diggers? Will they pick up any pro tips that would justify the purchase price?

  • Bristol Palin is becoming the Billy Carter in a family of Billy Carters.

  • sportshort

    "Scared Shitless I May Actually Have To Learn A Useful Skill: My Life As An Empty Headed Daughter Of A Snowbilly Grifter, So Far"

  • Tripp sixes, even.

  • You, sir, are an assasin.

  • dancesw_cougars

    Truth is stranger than fiction.

    Apparently it is also cheesier.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Changing the definition of "slut", anyway: "A girl who goes to college, then marries, then has children."

    All liberal women are, therefore, sluts.

    • tessiee

      Wait, what?

      All liberal women are *ugly*, not sluts.
      Regardless of what they actually look like, all right wing women are "hot" and all left-wing women, or any woman who's more of a feminist than Phyllis Schlafly, or has ever read a book other than the Bible, is "ugly".

      • ChessieNefercat

        It is just so hard to keep up with the contradictory memes, isn't it? The upright god-fearin', no sinful sex women are “hot”, and the immoral, abortin', birth control flauntin', childless women are ugly and no real man would want them. And they're lesbians anyway. So, not sluts? I'm confused.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Or, like cockroaches, they would be the survivors. Sigh.

  • tessiee

    That the finger-pointing and lip-moving that it would take to read the print version is too much like work?

  • tessiee

    Somewhere during the latter part of my teenage years, I started having sex with boys. Even though I was every bit as hormone-addled as most teenagers, and the boys were probably *nearly* as scuzzy as Levi (hey, give me a break! It was New Jersey!), I used protection. I never got pregnant out of wedlock, never had a sexually transmitted disease, and didn't become a mother at sixteen and a grandmother at thirty.

    All these years, I thought it was because I had a brain larger than a chickpea and a shred of responsibility for my own actions, and possibly because I wasn't trash who was raised by trash. Now I discover it's because I was actually (dramatic music) AFRAID OF LIFE!!

    If only I weren't such a gutless coward, I, too, could have been a scabby, toothless, skank who puts out for dimes, and embracing all the wonders life has to offer, no matter how nasty, vulgar, ignorant, trailer-dwelling, herpes-ridden, lice-infested, meth-addicted, or downright leotarded. Instead, I wasted my life with college, marriage, friends, and career.

    Well, isn't MY face red.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I'm embarrassed to say that I led my daughter so far astray that she is in graduate school, single, never been pregnant, but is looking forward to having a family one day after she is settled in adulthood with a steady job (satisfying life being more important than money).

      Where did I go wrong?

  • UW8316154

    But….manatees are peaceful and cute! Manatee Libel!

  • UW8316154

    nice.

  • After reading this I think love Meghan McCain.

  • zhubajie

    Johnston is a common Messican name, isn't it?

  • zhubajie

    You'd think they'd be glad he wasn't gay!

  • zhubajie

    How many conservitards use conservapedia, really? Are there rival versions for libertarians etc.?

  • zhubajie

    Probably Ben Dover!

  • tessiee

    "Not Afraid of Spermatazoa"

  • tessiee

    "He done put his junk inside my junk, right where I tee-tee."

    There ya go.

  • tessiee

    I wonder.
    I think she's her mother's daughter, and what she really craves is attention, and doesn't much care whether it's good or bad (see also, "Dancing with the Stars").

  • tessiee

    Fat AND does meth.
    Failed at abstinence AND failed at sex.
    Girlfriiend needs some decision making skills.

  • tessiee

    You misspelled "creationists".

  • tessiee

    Given how they've managed to thrive so far, despite the complete lack of any positive qualities, I'm not sure that's how it would play out.

    • HistoriCat

      I'm sure Bristol would make an acceptable tavern wench.

  • tessiee

    Is that really fair?
    Geraldo already had his nose broken when somebody or other went upside his head.
    Is it really necessary to subject him to an hour of her voice, convoluted and nonsequitorious sentence structure, and repeatedly calling him "Gerardo", even after having been corrected?
    I'm sure he'd prefer you just went ahead and broke his nose again.

  • tessiee

    Little Brillo is growing up.
    Why, it seems like only last week she was asking, "What shape is a book? A circle or a triangle?"

  • tessiee

    What a shame that the title "A Confederacy of Dunces" was already taken.

  • flamingpdog

    Seems more like it should be available as Kindling.

  • flamingpdog

    I think Ann Landers had a column about this very topic back in the early 70s.

    • PristineODummy

      That was Dan Savage, you studmuffin.

      • flamingpdog

        You obviously are too young to remember the updated-every-five- years-or-so Ann Landers sex test. The last time I saw it in the newspaper and took it was in 1973, and I was totally embarrassed at what a low score I got on the test. I definitely was not going to Hell (at that time).

        • PristineODummy

          ZOMG, I think I got teh SLAPdown. I wasn't in the country at the time, bro. In foreign fields, as it were. I have the oldz too ya know.

  • Negropolis

    I'd say of any persuasion. Levi sounds like quite the little ho, himself. I mean, we already know he's a whore (see: Playgirl).

  • Negropolis

    Oooo, you're bad.

  • mumbly_joe

    Guys, I just looked at the tags over on Amazon.com, and I just want to say that I'm proud of at least some of you who clearly came up with some of these.

    Just FYI, I added a few extra: nepotism, blood libel, teen pregnancys okay if youre rich and white.

  • DaRooster

    YES!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I got an F in religion, and I got into MIT.
    Hmmm… maybe that's why I got in.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Moose in the Headlights" really captures the essence of his experience.

  • PristineODummy

    What was that dreadful old joke about the guy bringing the gal flowers and she sticks her legs in the air because she needs to put them someplace where they'll be moist and … never mind.

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