9. Bets on Australia’s gambling firms.
8. California’s grape expectations.
7. Drilling away at dental costs.
6. Venture bets on online gambling’s future.
5. Doctors stick patients with paperwork fees.
3. Ticket to nowhere: Why you should steer clear of transportation stocks for now.
2. Pools in pricey homes make a splash.
1. Many of us won’t be able to retire until our 80s.
Oh sorry that last one is not really cutesy or punny, it’s just another bullshit Class War “push up the retirement age” story planted by the Koch Brothers in their quest to dissolve Social Security and Medicare.
{ 106 comments }
"Many of us won’t be able to retire until our 80s."
Can we just make sure that Romney never works again.
(Damn it, stop changing your mind!)
Retire from what? Jobs fly at an ever-increasing rate out of the country, leaving us so poor that even Walmart is beginning to notice that its sales are dropping, and they have some of the cheapest shit around. Pretty soon there won't be any jobs, so we'll be forced to "retire" before age 80.
just another bullshit Class War “push up the retirement age” story planted by the Koch Brothers in their quest to dissolve Social Security and Medicare.
But I thought this was because of the Koch brothers.
Errr… never mind. For some reason I thought these were mutually exclusive.
Paperwork fees have a bullish chart pattern, as well.
~
Remember the early days of computers and the promise of a "paperless" existence. Hot damn! That really worked out well, didn't it?
Thirty years ago: ooh, a typo (get out the little wheelie eraser thing to erase and keep typing). Proof as you go because you don't want to have to try to put the sheet of paper back in the typewriter in exactly the same position, especially if you were using carbons.
Now: ooh, a typo. Correct and print again. Repeat , repeat, repeat. And if you lose the paper in your piles of papers, just print it again! So easy!
"Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use"
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years"
"One-armed man annoys boaters by rowing in circles"
– With a tip O' the hat to sorely-missed George Carlin
"Eyes examined while you wait."
Actual sign of a business that has, alas, passed on:
So and So Funeral Home
"Burials
Cremation
Pre-Need Planning"
"Doctors stick patients with paperwork fees."
Aren't needles more effective?
"In case of fire, do not use elevators"
No, stupid — use water.
Speaking of California grapes…
Let's hear it for another pretty white princess shitting on a minority. (Megan Mc Cardle, you've got company, now, baby!)
Caitlin Flanagan takes down Cesar Chavez
BOOM! ROASTED!
I for one am tired of Cesar Chavez getting a free pass just because he's been dead for 18 years.
Caitlin Flanagan? Isn't that the ghastly suburban Hausfrau who wrote a screed a few years back arguing that only stay-at-home moms aided by the armies of nannies hired by their wealthy husbands didn't totally suck?
Hey! I get this guy's birthday off with pay every year, so STFU!
Thought it was "funny" when Ahnuld took away Lincoln's b-day and Columbus Day, when you just know Chavez' birthday was the one he really wanted to axe…
As an Italian, I'd just like to say fuck Columbus Day.
Somehow it got all bound up in Italian-ness. Somehow it's like our Saint Patrick's Day if Saint Patrick was a psychotic murderous pirate.
I suggest changing it to Steve Albini Day, but does anyone listen?
You're speaking of course of the great Spanish explorer Cristobol Colon? Always wondered why Italians made such a big deal about him.
I swear I didn't say anything,
he just followed me in there.
It was like, "…what the?"
and he just took my shirt up…
And we just… right, right there on the sink.
I was so drunk I was dizzy,
and she was in the kitchen
while we were downstairs fucking and she called me a bitch, and
I tried to tell her it was nothing…
"Trouser Minnow" can be our new National Anthem.
Undertakers are now takedown artists.
Indeed.
Caitlin Flanagan was a no-talent hack when she was with "The New Yorker" and she remains one.
Wonder what's her opinion of Juan Corona?
Oh, c'mon — the Irish aren't "white."
28 more years? Sure, I am up for that.
"Honey, where did we hide the handgun???"
Like a told a co-worker, if I think about the possibility of having to totter in here ten years down the road, I figure I might as well just hurl myself out a window now.
But! I do appreciate that I have a job. I have so far managed to keep a roof over my head, and I am grateful for that.
Retire means Die for those that dont Know.
"Headless Body found in Topless Bar."
(Actual NY Post headline)
"Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar"
Used to have a whole book of these when I was a kid. I still remember: "Father of ten shot dead, mistaken for a rabbit."
"Actual NY Post headline"
There should be some sort of mad-lib type NY Post headline generator, featuring words like, "Slay", "Torso", etc.
"Dwarf Psychic Escapes Police; Small Medium At Large."
Television is a medium, but it's rare that it's well done.
"Many of us won’t be able to retire until our 80s."
Sweet… I loved the 80s…
Ugh – really? You must have been having sex like nobody's business. As far I'm concerned the whole Reagan/bad hairstyles/stupid clothes/crappy popular music decade sucked.
The music was far better then than it is now… plus the coke was better and the pot was cheaper… you know… all the important shit.
Oh yeah… there was the more sex thingy…
"It's the 80s! Do a lot of coke and vote for Reagan." /MST3K/
"bad hairstyles/stupid clothes"
Since I have real big hair and real broad shoulders, I saved a fuck-ton on mousse and shoulder pads.
Otherwise, yeah, pretty much worthless with Reagan and mass fellating of same.
I've seen the future, I can't afford it.
Those puns sucked. I know that all puns suck (that's what they are supposed to do), but I didn't even groan once. Totaly non-groan puns hurt my pun bone (which is connected to the snark bone).
PUN FAIL WORSE THAN THE NY POST!!!!!
I should be punishèd
For every pun I shed.
Do not leave a puny shred
of my punnish head!
(GROAN)
Thanks for cleansing my palate.
Everybody Wang Pun Tonight!
"Cubs Win the World Series!"
Ms Win the World Series!"
Not until Ichiro retires.
???
I thought these were puns, not science fiction.
Boehner Taps Bachmann for Intelligence.
OK, so it's not business-related (or is it?).
Subhead:
Finds none
The "Retire at 80" article sourced data from EBRI, if you need some chuckles go to their website and see who is listed as members, Most of Wall Street and yes, that great American institution WalMart. You don't suppose that all those brokerage houses, banks and businesses would have some agenda in pushing a higher retirement age and whacking the funding for Social Security and Medicare and driving retirement investment into their casinos (oops) reliable American Patriotic Investments do ya?
Take a chance on risk? Are you kidding? The reason businesses aren't hiring is because (as the Republicans tell us over and over) of the uncertainty in the market. Why, how can our brass-balled titans of industry possibly be expected to go to the mat when they don't know every single variable? Oh, wait — that article was encouraging small investors to risk their meager life savings? Fine, then — tell those scaredy-cats they're not fit to be Americans if they don't risk all their money in the latest bubble.
Double true. The essence of the GOP economic policy argument is If the evil gubmint won't guarantee me a profit, I ain't hirin'.
"Limited government," my Trucknutz.
The uncertainty of "the greatest tax increase in American history," in January of '13!
Run for the hills.
They're perfectly willing to take risk as long as the government/taxpayer takes the downside. Just ask the heroic leadership at AIG, Gold-Man-Sacks, etc.
Now get back to work. Quitting time isn't until 2018.
"slutwalk phenomenon explodes male complacency"
I can't say I want to be working until my 80s, so it's almost time for a bunch of cigarettes and glasses of whiskey tonight.
If there was just some vice that caused all parts to wear out at the same time.
Okay, then sex it is!
If you're in your early 40's, I'll let you be my sidekick when I go on my bank-robbing spree in 20 or 30 years. We'll have to do some research, though — I don't want to spend my golden years in a crowded prison. I'm thinking Sweden or somewhere nice.
I'm your Huckleberry… I already have the plans…
(I don't really Homeland Security… it's a joke… which is what we do here.)
how do work the whole 'retirement' thing around the whole 'record number of unemployed' thing?
Those folks are just called "early retired" until they can actually find a job and then work until they die.
Or they go broke, get evicted and then hit over the head with a rock in the park.
Same, same…
It's enough to make you give up reading.
Needs moar articles about Fried Kool Aid.
http://www.thestar.com/living/article/1012010–th…
Wouldn't you know that wingnutz would figure out a way to have their Kool Aid and chew it, too.
Forget the fried Kool Aid — I'm gettin' my sous vide cooking thingy, a vaccuum dryer and something ultrasonic: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=…
No amount of eyebleach…
"Airbus A380′s collision"
What again? An A380 ran over a Delta jet at JFK in April. (No one was hurt)
http://nycaviation.com/2011/04/air-traffic-contro…
Now we know why Sammie SpadesXXX do what she do. If you're gonna get fucked, you might as well get paid something for it.
Anyone who is wondering why the private sector cannot or will not create jobs need not look further for the answer…
Ba-dom psssssh.
What about
Hobo Beans are a Sound Investment
Hobo With a Shotgun.
I guess the Anthony Weiner headline writers are looking for new material.
*Quietly reaches for his glitter bomb.*
Does this even come close to:
Michelle Bachmann Nearly Eaten By Lesbians in 2005
Nothing will ever come close to that headline.
See, this is why I've sunk all my money into Canned Beans, Pure Grain Alcohol, and shotgun shells. That way I don't have to worry about anything in the business press.
11) Koch Penetrating All Sectors
12) Clinton Intern Provides New TITillation, Ping-Pong Tricks
13) Palin Pregnancy Saga Smells Fishy, Like Cunt Too. Also.
14) One Time Cock-of-Walk Weiner's Name Butt of Humor, Because of Penises
15) Liberal Shill Felcher Olbermann Has Something Up His Ass
16) Headline Interns Revolting
17) Wiener say's Boehner is nothing to be proud of.
18) Boehner say's Wiener cant stand up to his rock hard standards.
I do believe "Many of us won’t be able to retire until our 80s." should be combined with another of the top 10 to read
"Ticket to nowhere, damn right many of us won’t be able to retire until our 80s."
"Collapsed Deck Old, Sheriff Says." Headline from the Asbury Park Press, after it was sold to Gannett and crashed and burned.
Fresh summer intern having a frisky first day, I see.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder before they're able to retire.
Kids Make Delicious Snacks so there's no need for poverty reduction programs.
Red Tape Holds Up Bridge
Squad Helps Dog Bit Victim
British Left Waffles on Falklands
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Man Shoots Neighbor with Machete
Lack of Brains Hinders Research
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Red Tape Holds Up Bridge
Donner, in some cases that would be a structural improvement.
ONiell is Fed Secretary this one is actually too easy.
Michele Bachmann Announces Teabagging Oral Exams at Right Online Conference
These people should just realize that the Weiner thing was a once in a lifetime occurance and should stfu with the puns for like, a century – at least.
Wall Street take' um my moneys…
Needs more Rampant Lesbianism In High School Bathrooms!!
Tom Colburn, aka douchebag #1, is just jealous because he tried to sneak into the girls' bathroom in an Oklahoma school. A custodian caught him. Upon being apprehended he said "I was just doing a little…uh…research."
A better headline would be Rampant Brain-dead Republican Candidate Seeks Publicity At the Expense of Others.
That Coburn…saw him on Meet the Press when he was running for Senate the first time. He actually said on live teevee that gynecologists who perform abortions should get the death penalty, and I thought, "This dipshit'll never win. Woody was from Oklahama, fercrissakes. These people have more sense than that."
How about…
Having lost the past, America attempts to Win the Future.
Arab Springs A Leak
"COW, NEGRO, DOG, ALL DIE."
the Repug "advanced age retirement plan" == death panels!
Whiny whine whine whine, but if corporations aren't allowed to export jobs, they'll make less than a billion percent profit and have to go out of business, whiny whine cry cry cry, if only we let them do whatever they want like they're definitely not doing now they'll throw us some crumbs, whine cry bitch moan snivel, so by exporting jerbs they're actually *creating* jerbs, grovel simper…
Haha. No, I'm Southern Italian. The avatar is not me, it's Ken Lay disguised in a blonde wig.
I'm into directors day, though we need to make sure no one confuses it as some sort of endorsement of Godfather 3.
Come now, an archbishop was shot. Hard to top that for entertainment.
And for the love of God, whatever you do, don't let Nicholas Cage (Coppola's cousin, in case you didn't already know that) find out about it!! He'll ruin the whole thing with the bug-eyed hollering and arm-waving.From: notifications@intensedebatemail.comTo: jrrzgrrl@hotmail.comSubject: KenLayIsAlive replied to your comment on 10 Cutesy Business Headlines From Today's Marketwatch
Missed my fav: "Wall Street Fucks Rubes Again; Government Complicit, As Usual!!"
They worked.
This is winning the future.
I imagine this being played at all Baseball Games and NASCAR Events.
Back when I lived in Chicago, I was at the Rainbow Club ($0.75 Leinenkugels!) one night, shortly after "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was released. A bunch of dumb hipsters were trying to convince the DJ to play it. Steve Albini was there, and he said "I'll give you $5 if you DON'T play it".
I'll be laughing about Steve Albini Day for many weeks. (remember what it used to be like? When all we did was eat and fuck?)
Comments on this entry are closed.