and jesus wept

Theory of Evolution Wins Miss America Pageant

Terrible godless socialist racket “Miss USA Pageant” declared Miss California, Alyssa Campanella, the winner after she was one of only two contestants out of 51 girls in the pageant to correctly answer a question about evolution, by affirming that it exists. America’s other bright shining young ladies either did not understand the question or went with the more popular, “the jury is still out on science” response:

One after another of the contestants, like Miss Maryland, confused the evolution of species with the origin of life (not the same) or said a variation of Miss Michigan’s line that it’s “silly” and “ignorant” not to know “both sides” including, evidently, religious views in public schools.

Three were flat out opposed: Miss Kentucky, home state of the Creation Museum; Miss Alaska who assures us “each of us was individually created by God for a purpose”; and Miss Alabama who doesn’t believe in evolution.

Only Miss Massachusetts and Campanella stood up for Darwin.

[USA Today]

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  1. MittsHairHelmet

    Another day, another reason to thank the good lord that I'm from Massachusetts.

  2. nounverb911

    "Miss Alaska who assures us “each of us was individually created by God for a purpose”
    Meet the next governor of Alaska.

    1. ArmoredBore

      While we're at it, I'd like to hear the purposes for the creation of the previous Alaska governor, Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, and Snooki.

    2. Redhead

      Impossible. She's made it 20 years (give or take) without having a kid out of wedlock, posing naked for a magazine or getting arrested for selling meth. No one in Alaska will vote for her.

    3. Negropolis

      Hell, meet the next potential president of these United States and of us US Americans and The Iraq and Such.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    But what about US America Maps?

    From Rhodes Scholar and Geography Major Catlin Upton in 2007
    "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some . . . people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children"

    1. revmatty

      She subsequently appeared on the Amazing Race in part to show people that she was much smarter than that brief momentary lapse of communication skills made her appear. She failed miserably.

    2. C_R_Eature

      "…and I want to become a Veterinarian because I love children"

      'Cos I'm a Blond. Yeah yeah, yeah.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Actually, I'd be more shocked, stunned and amazed if Miss Kentucky, Alaska and Alabama said something intelligent.*

    *apologies to the few smart folks from Kentucky, Alaska and Alabama.

    1. SorosBot

      It's easy to tell the few smart folks from those states, though – they get the hell out as soon as they can. These dumb ladies stayed.

      1. weejee

        May all twelve of Jimmie the Clerk Maxwell's silver hammers come down upon their heads. At least until they can see the light.

  5. elviouslyqueer

    Quoth 1st runner-up, Miss Tennessee:

    "I know that some people view it as a freedom of speech, however, burning the American flag is not patriotic at all. No American citizen should do that, and you should also respect other religions. I'm a Christian and a faithful person. I would personally not appreciate someone burning the Bible, and that's just a line you do not cross."

    Michele Bachmann, meet your new running mate.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Sooo, according to this twit, the american flag is a religious symbol? Maybe that's the real shroud of Turin.

    2. Negropolis

      I would personally not appreciate someone burning the Bible

      But, "pastor" Terry Jones burning the Koran at the drop of the hat is cool with you, right?

      Quick question, recite for me your favorite two verses from the Bible. Oh, you can't, you say? Fuck off.

  6. SmutBoffin

    Somebody wake me up when they start asking the pretty ladies about solid state physics and abstract algebra.

  7. HempDogbane

    The folks in Massachusetts and California sing that old hymn "Stand Up, Stand Up For Darwin."

  8. Sue4466

    Doesn't the continued existence of the Miss America Pageant suggest that evolution has ceased?

  9. Callyson

    She'll have to do better than this if she wants anyone to remember who the hell she is after today. Nude photos or pics of her drunk on a table are the minimum requirement for getting press coverage after the crown is placed on Miss USA's/Miss America's/Miss Whatever-the-fuck's head.

  10. the_problem_child

    "DO YOU THINK … the evolution of the Miss USA/Miss Universe competition to include news-topical questions is a good direction? "

    For fuck sakes, evolution isn't news.

    1. MissusBarry

      Seriously. I'm generally not for regressing or misogyny, but I'd be perfectly happy to have these idiots judged exclusively on T&A and skip the whole they-speak (kinda) portion.

  11. CapeClod

    I would like to think that the Darwin arguement was the principle reason that Miss California won, but that would be assigning too much integrity to the Miss America contest.

  12. SorosBot

    I'm just hoping that the Miss USA pageant has a higher ratio of complete morons to intelligent people, because 49/51 people being total fucking morons who are so stupid that you wonder how they can even feed themselves is a depressing statistic to contemplate.

    And fuck this "both sides" bullshit. It is not "silly" or "ignorant" not to teach both sides when on is right and the other is a lie, period. There is no debate; anyone who refuses to believe in evolution is wrong, dumbasses.

    1. finallyhappy

      All humans share 60% of their genetic material with banana trees- these women share a considerably higher % with those trees(the first part of my sentence is a fact- I admit the second part is a theory)

    2. Doktor Zoom

      I think children should hear the arguments for both sides of whether the moon landings, Holocaust, and 9/11 attacks actually happened. Teach the controversy.

      Also, "gravity" or "Intelligent Falling"?

    3. starfanglednut

      Argh. I know exactly how you feel. The "jury" is not "out" on climate global warming either. Anthropogenic climate change is a FACT, and is destroying their precious America right before their eyes. They're just too brainwashed by republican politicians (corporate overlords) to want to believe it.

    4. Redhead

      You realize you're talking about the same people who see absolutely nothing wrong with rewriting history, constantly, when it serves their purpose – from America's history in the 1700s and 1800s to their own history of voting and what they said ten minutes ago. They'll believe what they want to believe, period, because education is for the "elitists." Ignorance (and a big screen and 12 pack of nasty domestic piss water) is the new American goal, and presidential candidates are trying to prove that they're "the guy next door," the "guy you have a beer with," "just a normal guy" instead of showing WHY they're not a normal guy next door and thus qualified to run the fucking country.

      I agree that it's incredibly ignorant to teach scientific fact right alongside something which is neither fact nor even theory but proven nonsense. I just think your expectations might be a wee bit high for much of the country.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Ignorance has always been the American goal. Just go back to the Founding, the 3/5 Compromise. Look at the Great Awakening, which, all things considered, was pretty innocuous, but did give us Mormonism. Later on, think of the other two great Space-God religions, the Nation of Islam & Scientology. Look at Free Love, for Christ's sake. Look at Altamont!

  13. revmatty

    I believe it was Michael Goudeau who first said "Pumping gas in your car and saying you don't believe in evolution is like eating a hamburger and saying you don't believe in cows."

  14. DaRooster

    They probably figure that since they were born they have been "built" into the girls they are now, that they truly were "created" individually…
    Poor dunder-muffins.

  15. jjdaddyo

    You know, I can't wait until a beauty pageant contestant answers an evolution/ creation question this way:
    "You know, Kathie Lee (or whoever). I just don't believe in evolution, I believe in what it says in Holy Scripture."
    (rapturous sighs of joy from the fundamentalists)
    " I believe that, as it says in Holy Scripture, "Vishnu awoke. As the dawn began to break, from Vishnu's navel grew a magnificent lotus flower. In the middle of the blossom sat Vishnu's servant, Brahma. He awaited the Lord's command.
    Vishnu spoke to his servant: 'It is time to begin.' Brahma bowed. Vishnu commanded: 'Create the world.'""
    (sound of a million fundamentalists heads exploding)

  16. Steverino247

    Actually, I don't need to believe in Evolution. It exists and has been demonstrated many times to be the theory which best fits the facts we observe in the world around us. When we use a word like "believe" we're playing on the wrong field. I don't believe in Evolution by natural selection. I know that's how living things got to be the way they are. Stop using "believe" and see how little debate remains. As long as the question is posed the wrong way, as a belief, it can be put down to something that "some people believe."

    1. JustPixelz

      Some of us need that negative correlation as the slender thread on which our self-esteem hangs. If greater beauty means greater intelligence, I'm doomed.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Thank G-d I had my extreme beauty to camouflage my profound intelligence or I would never have had any peace. Or piece.

  17. CapeClod

    If you don't believe in evolution, then please explain 300 breeds of dogs, all of them decended from one breed.

    1. SorosBot

      And that one breed was originally called wolves.

      Or we can look at it happening today – for example, there used to be a rare and disadvantageous mutation among elephants that caused the bulls to lack tusks, which has become much more common over the past century or so as it's become a survival advantage.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Silly, that's microevolution, which is perfectly palatable to most creationists (because some aspects of observable reality are too blatant to deny, apparently). It's completely different from macroevolution, which The LORD does not permit. One fun thing to ask creation scientists [sic] is whether their extensive genetic research has yet discovered the mechanism whereby evolution stops at a certain threshold to prevent speciation. I'm pretty sure they're really close to a breakthrough on that.

  18. OkieDokieDog

    I wonder how many death threats she'll get by the Xtian fundies for being an agent of the devil?

  19. Goonemeritus

    I was starting to think it was just bias against smart people that kept Nobel Laureates from placing in the Miss America pageant. Now I am starting to think it maybe something more sinister.

  20. Redhead

    "I was taught evolution in high school. I do believe in it. I'm a huge science geek…I like to believe in the big bang theory and, you know, the evolution of humans throughout time."

    Yup, real brainiac/science geek there. You know, I was taught gravity in school. I like to believe in Newton, and, you know, that things fall and stuff.

  21. KeepFnThatChicken

    PageantFunFact™: Ever wonder what the difference is between Miss USA (producing said evolutionary winner) and Miss America? Of course not! But since we're there anyway, The Miss Murka has a talent competition. Miss USA does not.

    So her win isn't exactly reassuring.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    People are always confusing the Miss America Pageant and the Miss USA Pageant.

    One gives out college scholarships, and the other gives out Donald Trump's phone number.

  23. imissopus

    A couple of years ago the Miss California who won this contest was Carrie Prejean, and I think we can all guess where she would have come down on this question. So, yay progress?

    1. BarackMyWorld

      She didn't win, and that was the catalyst of her "there's liberal bias in beauty contests" media (even ones owned by Donald Trump) campaign that didn't end until she sued the pageant organizers and they whipped out her sex tape and made her go away.

      1. imissopus

        She didn't win but as I recall she was an evangelical Christian from Orange County, so I think it's pretty safe to guess how she would have answered a question about evolution.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          She's also engaged — married to, already? — former Baltimore Ravens quarterback Kyle Boller.

          I think that's the ultimate revenge, on her.

  24. flamingpdog

    Next year they need to ask the contestants whether Donald Trump's hair is a result of evolution or special creation.

  25. Guppy06

    "Miss Alaska who assures us “each of us was individually created by God for a purpose”"

    In her case, that purpose was for her parents to cash an extra Permanent Fund check every year.

  26. Radiotherapy®

    If you were ever worried where the next generation of Palin/Bachmania is going to come from.

  27. Gleem_McShineys

    So which "side" are the creation legends of the Sioux on? What about the Aztecs? The Vikings? Sumerians?

    Which "side" is the one with the turtles, all the way down, on?

    What is absolute bullshit is that they think they've got the "correct" version of creationism, just because their version of religion has been the best at the genocide game so far.

    You know these proselytizers-by-proxy will never admit nor allow that their creation beliefs are even close to having equal consideration with the heathen creation "myths" of "savages."

    "But… um… Both Sides!"
    Fuck your bullshit.

    1. SonofSpermcube

      Conservatives, and conservative Christianity, are all about false dichotomies. They think entirely in black and white, EVERYTHING is a dichotomy to them, and the only time it isn't a false one is when it actually is black and white.

  28. Warpde

    Thank God for dumb women.
    Without them, I would never get laid.

    No offense to the smart women out there.
    Whom I have never laid.

  29. Noman

    If matter and space expand at an accelerating rate, gravity would be an illusion caused by inertia.

  30. flamingpdog

    Recent visitors Mr. and Mrs. Brotherandsister Downfisty are living proof of retrograde evolution. Or maybe Moronic Design? Teach the Cuntroversy!

  31. prommie

    Its nice to know that 49 of them would believe me if I told them "its ok, I'll pull out before I come," or "You can't get pregnant if we don't kiss," or some such.

  32. MiniMencken

    This girl is smart enough to qualify for the job of having my love child. Got her number?

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      She had it painted on her fingernails so that she would remember it, but she sucked the paint off of her thumb.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You sure you want her DNA in your kid?

      I"m sure there are exceptions, but the propensity of beauty pageants to select for profoundly dumb women is really amazing. (You could call it natural selection, if these pageants weren't so unnatural.) Assuming any brainy women ever enter the contest (there's some serious selection going on right there), what is it that knocks them out, leaving us with this stellar collection of airheads as finalists?

  33. Doktor Zoom

    I want everyone who doesn't accept evolution to pledge that they will avoid all medicines and technology that have been developed using that evil "science" stuff. You know, for the sake of moral clarity.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Careful what you wish for. Too many of these dunderheads refuse to vaccinate their kids as it is.

  34. KenLayIsAlive

    Miss Michigan’s line that it’s “silly” and “ignorant” not to know “both sides”.

    Jesus. Good thing no one asked her about the Holocaust.

    1. flamingpdog

      "I didn't know that 6 million Jews were killed [in the Nazi Holocaust]. That's a lot of people. – Melanie Griffith.

  35. C_R_Eature

    2 out of 51, eh? If that were a batting average, you'd be looking at 0.039.

    Baseball fanatic Stephen J Gould just Facepalmed in Valhalla. Carl Sagan chuckles and orders their table another round of Dark & Stormy's.

      1. C_R_Eature

        A somber Thumbs Up to you. I desperately miss both of these fellows, but, honestly I'm glad they didn't live to see this.

  36. mrblifil

    Darwin lost his favorite daughter to Scarlet Fever when she was 10. Of her he said: " "We have lost the joy of the household, and the solace of our old age…. Oh that she could now know how deeply, how tenderly we do still & and shall ever love her dear joyous face." If he were to ever have learned of the depraved lifestyles led by these benighted young women who's families applaud their exploitation, Darwin would have barfed.

  37. Negropolis

    Miss Michigan, you bring shame to our state. Well, more shame than is already heaped atop this rusty factory were call a state. Plus, Michigan's Rima Fakih, Miss USA, is way hotter and more Muslin than you, so she wins.

  38. ttommyunger

    Alternate title: "Some Good Looking Women Have Shit For Brains!" Wow, that's a news item if I ever saw one.

  39. jjdaddyo

    Sure it is- Medicare recipients don't die as quickly, therefore they are not available to be turned into Soylent Green, therefore less nutrition for others

  40. Maman

    Ugh. The curse of that freaking name. I have been called Wretchen since I was six and I loathe it even to the extent that I won't even call Gretchen Carlson that. Besides, I prefer "Stupid Bitch"

  41. Limeylizzie

    Cruel children, my last name rhymes with 'Breast" and "Chest" so you can imagine the limericks-it being England we run to verse even in puberty-that I had to suffer.

  42. LouBristol

    Limeylizzie from England,
    Her name rhymed with -est.
    This does not scan, not it is a sonnet.
    just ditch the caps and hello, e. e. cummings.

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