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Rick Scott Will Ghostwrite Your Letter To The Editor Praising Rick Scott

governor of the op-ed sectionCurrently one of the most unpopular governors in the country, Florida Gov. Rick Scott is struggling to figure out how to convince Florida voters that he is not a total loser (which will fail, because he is). Here is Rick Scott’s super-sophisticated bazillion-dollar genius public relations attack plan: he will ask his few remaining supporters to log onto his website and click the “send” button on a form email a few thousand times in order to spam the state’s newspaper editors with “letters to the editor” declaring eternal love without condoms for Rick Scott. Despite the fact that he has never read a newspaper in his life, Rick Scott is confident that he can at least Win the Op-Ed Section with all these votes. 

Here is your love letter for Rick Scott:

Dear Editor,
When Rick Scott ran for Governor he promised to create jobs and turn our economy around. I voted for Rick because he’s always been a businessman, not a politician. While politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, Rick is refreshing because he’s keeping his word. His policies are helping to attract businesses to our state and get people back to work. Some of the special interests are attacking the Governor for making tough decisions, showing leadership, and doing what he told us he would do. Rick Scott deserves our unwavering and enthusiastic support. How can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do what’s right for our state if we don’t stand up for those with the courage to set priorities, make difficult choices, and actually deliver on their promises made?
He is “refreshing!” Maybe if a newspaper editor receives forty of these, he or she will finally decide to print all of them. That’s how these things work, right? [Rick Scott For Florida via Orlando Sentinel]

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122 comments

  1. memzilla

    All of these letters will be coming from the same IP address and will most likely be routed right into the spam folder. And because Scott has cut money to teh poorz, who can afford Spam™ anymore?

    The only processed ham here is Rick Scott. Spamroots Activizm FAIL.

  2. freakishlywrong

    Last time I checked, good politicians usually get the "governing" part of being Governors. I loathe CEOs and businessmen, and I especially despise welfare frauds and liars. Teatardist governorship has exposed these assholes for what they are.

    1. MildMidwesterner

      In fairness, without CEOs and businessmen the "good politicians" would have no one to work for.

    1. memzilla

      Partially:

      Q. What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
      A. You can't hear an enzyme.

  3. freakishlywrong

    Oh, and save but for a few, the Op-ed sections of most newspapers in America's dingus make Yahoo comments look broad minded.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      That is true. Most of this state's residents have had their brains baked because they sit out in the sun too much.

      The papers The Mouse controls are the worst.

  4. metamarcisf

    Unfortunately there is some kind of default edit in the text of the form letter. As my friend Matt Stirrbait can attest to when he tried to modify the letter to include references to screwing prostitutes on the lawn of the State Capitol in Tallahassee just now.

    1. CthuNHu

      So my letter won't go through in its corrected version?

      Dear Editor,

      When Rick Scott ran his highly entertaining campaign for Governor he promised to create jobs, turn our economy around and be generally less embarrassing than the last guy. I voted for Rick because he’s the only one who looks like Voldemort's older brother who went into musical theater. While politicians usually surprise us by disappointing us and rarely keeping their promises, Rick is refreshing because his failures come as no surprise whatsoever. His policies are helping to attract check-cashing businesses to our state and get formerly struggling white slavers back to work. Some of the special interests — kids, teachers, unemployed slackers and, God help us, the stupid uninsured — are attacking the Governor for kidnapping pedestrians and processing them into luncheon meats for the state's penitentiaries, even though that is exactly what he told us he would do. Rick Scott deserves our utmost groveling and terrified allegiance. How can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do to our state's voters exactly what they deserve if we don’t stand up for those with the courage to set priorities, make difficult choices, and actually deliver on the chaos, mayhem and hastening of Armageddon inherent in the promises they made in their campaigns?

      J. E. Bush
      jebis46@inevitable.com
      Austi — uh, Orlando

  5. Madfall

    Can't he afford a few thousand for a Moscow botnet hacker to do the same thing? Any editing would probably be better spelled.

    1. HistoriCat

      A few thousand? Come on – it's not like he can bilk Medicare for the funds this time around.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Botroots support? I like it!
      Half a billion identical letters to the editor would surely make quite an impression.

  6. skoalrebel

    Fuckin' elitists [spit!] Y'all know there are a lot of true Amerikans who can't spell or right very wel. Govurnor Scott is doin' this as part of his far-sighted education initiative. [spit!] I hear he's got Chuck Norris workin' on the plan, too, so watch the fuck out.

  7. Sue4466

    Shoulda borrowed from Bush and just bought some columnists. That's how you get on the op-ed page.

  8. SmutBoffin

    "Dear Editor,

    SmutBoffin should win the Comment of the Day award since he is great. Dude deserves our unwavering and enthusiastic support. Unwavering. He is, like, made of win and orgasms and whatever it is that makes fecesburgers not taste like feces. He's just that refreshing. End with a question, why the hell not?"

    I'd appreciate it if the rest of you just posted this endlessly in this thread. Otherwise you hate 9/11.

    1. natoslug

      "Dear Editor,

      SmutBoffin should win the Comment of the Day award since he is great. Dude deserves our unwavering and enthusiastic support. Unwavering. He is, like, made of win and orgasms and whatever it is that makes fecesburgers not taste like feces. He's just that refreshing. End with a question, why the hell not?"

      I'd appreciate it if the rest of you just posted this endlessly in this thread. Otherwise you hate 9/11.

    2. memzilla

      SmutBoffin is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life. I will recommend urgently that SmutBoffin be posted to the Comment of the Day. He saved our lives and took out a complete company of Chinese infantry.

    3. jus_wonderin

      Dear Editor,

      SmutBoffin has eaten all his kibble and does know what "outside" means.

      JW

    4. Negropolis

      Dear Editor,

      SmutBoffin should win the Comment of the Day award since he is ever so great and talented. Dude totally deserves our unwavering and enthusiastic suppot. Unwavering in the sense of the love for the Fuhrer in post-Weimer Germany. He is, how do you say, made of baskets of kittens and orgasms and whatever it is that makes the Colbert Report palatable immediately following the awesomeness that is The Daily Show. He is just that refreshing.

      Look kindly and with favor upon our gentle and noble SmutBoffin. Otherwise, noun + verb + 9/11. USA! + USA! + 'Cause Freedom. Also. Tambien.

  9. Schmannnity

    Hey, our Governor's company stole $1.6 billion in Medicare money from the federal government and he still got elected. What cool stuff have your lazy governors done?

    1. Oblios_Cap

      He's managed to make Charlie Crist look good. Not many have ever done that, including Charlie himself.

    2. Nopantsmcgee

      Well, my Governor Snyder has appointed Land Barons to take over lawful elected officials duties in local municipalities while running as a 'small government' candidate!

      So, Ha!

  10. arihaya

    " ..declaring eternal love without condoms .."

    the phrase, being written by a lady, somehow activate my fantasy node

      1. ChessieNefercat

        "First-time" drinker, second-class virgin & "A-student" Bristol Palin would advise against this.

        There.

  11. Serolf_Divad

    Dear Editor,
    When Rick Scott ran for Governor he promised to create jobs and turn our economy around. I voted for Rick because he’s always been a businessman, not a politician. While politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, businessmen never do. In fact, I can't remember a single time in my life that I've bought a product and been dissappointed with what I've received. Like the time I ordered the Sea Monkeys… yeah, some liberal troublemakers will tell you that it was "false advertising" to put pictures in kids comic books featuring naked humanoid creatures frolicking about an undersea castle and sell them to children for ten bucks… but for me, when it turned out that sea monkeys were just microscopic shrimp… WOW! I was totally bowled over! I'd always dreamed of owning a shot-glass sized aquarium full of krill!!!! Then there was the exploding Pinto thath killed my grandad!!! Friggin' AWESOME!!!! Thank you BIG BUSINESS!!!

    So yeah, gives us more Rick Scott! He's AWESOME!

    1. freakishlywrong

      Actually, yours has a better chance of passing the credulity test than Gov. Volds.

  12. horsedreamer_1

    Maybe if a newspaper editor receives forty of these, he or she will finally decide to print all of them. That’s how these things work, right?

    It would be great to see this happen, then have the GOP flunkies trying to explain away the spamming to Tweety on Hardball. Have you no shame, the host would demand.

    Also: I expect most of the letters to be signed by T. Nutz & H. de Camioneta.* (The Spanish, since it is Florida.)

    *'H' as in 'huevos'.

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Wait. There are still newspapers? I thought they were all online & people just anonymously CAPLOCK yelled at each other.

  14. Not_So_Much

    Hand her a box of ginormous diapers, industrial sized wipes and tell her Vitter is on her schedule that evening.

  15. elviouslyqueer

    Meh. Rick Scott is "refreshing" in approximately the same way a Drano colonic is "refreshing."

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Drano Colonic–yet another European NBA import who never hit the weight room or learned how to play defense! The Pistons never shoulda drafted him!!

      Or is he the General that killed all them muslims in the '90s? That's cool, then.

    1. Captain_Quark

      As the letter itself says "because he’s always been a businessman." It's really a small step from businessman to business end, at least where dildos are concerned.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I almost wrote "Ronald Reagan?" but by most honest accounts he fucked California over every way he could.

  16. ganmerlad

    "When asked if he read Florida newspapers, Scott responded with a blunt "no."

    How does the state's 45th governor know what's going on? He said he relies on staffers to share clippings and he reads papers in other states "to see what they are doing."

    Nothing says good governorancing like ignoring current events in your own state while being up-to-date on the haps in others.

  17. SexySmurf

    Dear Tampa Little Nickle,
    Just because Florida has the fourth highest unemployment in the nation that doesn't mean Rick Scott is a loser. Rick Scott is magic. Rick Scott farts rainbows. Rick Scott makes love to angels. Rick Scott created the Great Lakes with the help of his blue ox. Rick Scott makes that Dos Equis dude look like Tim Pawlenty. Rick Scott isn't bald; that's a solar panel for a sex machine. I wish I was a woman so I could have Rick Scott's baby.

    Love,
    Sexual Smurfington the Third.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      "Solar panel for a Sex Machine" is now the new official name for my Gay Gwar Tribute Band.

  18. PabaBritannica

    So, we're all going to send these with "boner" in place of "jobs", "business", and "economy", right?

  19. baconzgood

    When Rick Scott ran for Governor he promised to create jobs and turn our economy around (he didn't). I voted for Rick because he’s always been a businessman, who ripped this state off for Millions. While politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, I know HE WON'T and bleed this state for big buisness. His policies are helping to attract businesses to our state and get people back to work at Wal-Mart. Some of the special interests are attacking the Governor for making tough decisions, showing leadership, are hitting the nail on the head. Rick Scott deserves our unwavering and enthusiastic support (Koch brothers). How can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do what’s right for our state if we don’t stand up for those with the courage to set priorities, make difficult choices, and actually deliver on their promises made?

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA I'm sorry that last line made me laugh.

    Your's truely
    Someone that Knows nothing about Rick Scott

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The parenthentic 'Koch Brothers' reminds me of Kevin Nealon's "Subliminal Editorial" from his short term as Weekend Update anchor (maybe two seasons, between Dennis Miller & Norm Mac Donald?).

  20. ChessieNefercat

    And my understanding is that most recipients of such mass mailings find identical letters (dozens? thousands?) to be meaningful and useful, right?

    1. BornInATrailer

      I would like a reporter to ask Rick Scott what he thinks represents the critical mass of letters.

      Like, a paper's editor receives 50 identical letters and he doesn't care but then 51 rolls in and he's all like "Well, I am sold. That Rick Scott is making the tough but correct decisions." I want someone to ask him, in as serious a manner as they can muster, where this tipping point lies.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        If Rick Scott was a Wonketteer, he'd have hundreds of commenter accounts for the purpose of upfisting his own comments.

  21. fuflans

    How can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do what’s right for our state if we don’t stand up for those with the courage to set priorities, make difficult choices, and actually deliver on their promises made?

    god i hate HATE HATE these tools.

    they cloak themselves in the mantle of private sector courage after using the private sector to defraud the gov't for private gain. then they get elected (in a state too dumb to qualify for voting rights any longer, IMHO) and strip the public sector of funding and benefits while directing public sector mandates to their wife's private sector industry.

    these people make me want to punch a hole in the wall.

    and punch a hole in their followers who are too dumb to understand what they represent.

    sorry i will now try to think of something funny to say.

    1. baconzgood

      WOW Fuflans. Someone needs to smoke a bong and watch some MacGyver. I do give you an A+ on the rage though.

    2. JustPixelz

      The same people who worship at the altar of private sector for everything don't hesitate to talk up that government run military, government run police, fire departments, government run jails. If we viewed our health security the same way we viewed our national security, doctors would all report to the Surgeon General and we'd be fighting disease instead of LIbyans.

  22. freakishlywrong

    He cannot. He can, however, be impeached. Something something wife's clinics .drug testing state employees something something…

    1. HistoriCat

      Excellent. Because nothing says grass roots support more than identically worded letters to the editor.

  23. 5thstate

    What constantly amazes me about such efforts is the lack of any attempt to tone-down the redundant ass-licking wet-panty genuflection to make it appear at least somewhat genuine. .

    Absolutely the BEST line in this contrived ejaculation ( know your vocabulary, folks, that's totally legit usage):

    "While politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, businessmen</i< <b>never do". .

  24. donner_froh

    Scott is incredibly stupid. No one reads newspapers and less than no one read the published letters to the editor.

    How the fuck did this guy get any votes? Florida must be every bit as bad as I thought.

  25. user-of-owls

    Up Next:

    Taking a cue from Subservient Chicken, Scott will create a site wherein special users (moneybags) with a secret password (feudalism) will be able to type in commands (drain blood from the poors, autofellate, etc.) that Subservient Scott will obey.

  26. PabaBritannica

    I still have my USF.edu email, so my post at least looks authentic:

    Dear Editor,

    When Rick Scott ran for Governor he promised to create jobs and turn our economy around. I didn't vote for Rick because he’s an idiot. While politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, Rick is even worse. His policies are helping to make Florida even sadder. Some of the special interests are attacking the Governor for making tough decisions, showing leadership, and doing what he told us he would do. They are correct in doing so. How can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do what’s right for our state if we don’t stand up and kick this asshole out of office?

    Sincerely,

    Paba

  27. Callyson

    The fact that Rick Scott thinks this would fool any newspaper editor is terrifying in itself.

  28. fuflans

    in related news, voldemort, issued a statement to 'the daily prophet' today noting:

    While muggles usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, Tom Riddle is refreshing because he’s keeping his word. His Dementors are helping to attract businesses to our state and get people back to work. Tom Riddle deserves our unwavering and enthusiastic support. How can we expect to elect leaders who will keep their word and do what’s right for our state if we don’t stand up for those with the courage to set priorities, make difficult choices, and actually send people to Azkaban?

    sincerely,

    he who must not be named.

  29. 5thstate

    Well, t tried to edit the letter, no idea if it worked, but it appeared to accept my name as A. Aardvark and the gop.com e-mail address I provided, along with the optional City entry, in which I wrote "Optional", as clearly instructed—so I;m hopeful neither my time, nor America's time has been completely wasted. .

  30. ChessieNefercat

    I'm tired of having business experience being held up as the measure of a good elected official (see Palin's blatherings regarding her alleged "CEO" experience).

    An elected official is supposed to look out for the general welfare of all of his/her constituents. And he/she works for the constituents, not the other way around.

    A modern CEO is responsible for the bottom line of his company. Non-producers, or anyone or anything that does not enhance the bottom line is to be gotten rid of.* And the rank and file employees work for him/her, not the other way around.

    I don't see the connection, myself; that being good at the one (corporate executive) means you know anything whatsoever about governing.

    *I realize that there are socially responsible companies. But they are not the ones the Republicans hold up as corporate role models.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      THANK YOU.

      For years we've been bombarded with the idea that government, schools, the military, etc., should be run like a business. It's B.S. in every way for all the reasons you pointed out. Oh, and there are a f**k of a lot of businesses that do things that are just friggin crazy and as nonsensical as any bureaucratic government hack could dream up, and also.

    2. mog253

      After 39 years in corporate US, I live in fear of the "CEO" candidate. Government should protect and serve, not manage to the artificially created bottom-line. Not one of them has been successful in government. And most of them couldn't run their own companies, without stealing money from both their stockholders and employees.

    3. Tundra Grifter

      Well said! Remember how Geogre Bush (43) was the "first MBA President?"

      And what was supposed to be a good thing?

  31. Schmannnity

    See the evolution of Teabagger thinking: Sarah Palin could not name a newspaper and she looked like a doofus. Scott refuses to read newspapers–in your face MSM motherfuckers!

  32. KeepFnThatChicken

    If I get a pee test and I pay the bill, should I just put a tip on the purchase so he'll get that?

    I mean, he's getting the pee test money too, right?

  33. jus_wonderin

    This article takes me back to the days when we'd get a pop quiz and the teacher had used the memograph machine to run off our tests. I'd jump up quickly and ask to be the one that handed them out…just so I could take a big long whiff of the duplicator fluid.

    Ah, those were the daze.

  34. Schmannnity

    Bandwagon rider! Now, if he confiscated their tooth fillings or extra organs, it might show some out of the box thinking.

  35. Pragmatist2

    If he wanted to make this credible in Florida, he needed to put in at least a dozen spelling errors.

  36. OneYieldRegular

    Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "because he's always been a businessman." No really. Shut up.

  37. Native_of_SL_UT

    And not to mention how enormous my penis has become because I finally responded to the hundreds of E-mails I received.

  38. comrad_darkness

    A businessman? Seriously, who has ever worked for a businessman who didn't have his head up his ass?

  39. emberglance

    Folks, this is just the suggested text for your letter. Please feel free to edit the text as you see fit to more accurately reflect your opinion of the Governor.

  40. Steverino247

    No, because the olds believe they're too close to Finals to stop believing in God now. All the R's have to do is send out waves of spam about how the D's are trying to take God out of public schools and it's back to the State House at the next election.

  41. Steverino247

    As a businessman, he knows how to order his employees to write Letters to the Editor or be fired.

  42. Zombie_Reagan

    Dear Penthouse Letters,

    You won't believe what happened to me last week.

    When Rick Scott ran for Governor he promised to create jobs and turn our economy around. I voted for Rick because he’s always been a businessman, not a politician. While politicians usually disappoint us and rarely keep their promises, Rick is refreshing because he’s keeping his word. . . .

    1. Negropolis

      Dear Penthouse Letters,

      You won't believe what happened to me last week.

      WIN

      /thread

  43. mrblifil

    You could blend him up with ice, and a sprig of mint, and he'd still be less refreshing than a bag of Santorum-soaked rat dicks.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Maybe he should have………

      ….never put it in… /Engrossened with Extra Grossness!

  44. Mort_Sinclair

    Mother of God! Imagine waking up next to THAT every morning. HFS. Don't….. smile….at……me…..please……

  45. Nopantsmcgee

    This is much easier for the Teatards to do then those frustrating 'Mad-Libs' they were working on.

  46. Guppy06

    The problem with recall elections is that it is based on the assumption that a recall will result in a higher class of asshat than the prior election. We're talking about trusting an electorate that voted for Scott to begin with!

    Focusing on recalls detracts from meaningful reforms, like voting reform (to avoid these plurality governors) and constitutional reform (to legally prevent these governors from shitting on everything).

    Also, cocks.

  47. Warpde

    Declaring eternal love, and exchanging bodily fluids, without condoms is why Florida has Rick Scott.
    But I do have a question.
    Why does he look like a sperm with a smiley face?

  48. Negropolis

    Rick Scott deserves our unwavering and enthusiastic support.

    Ok, that line is just creepy. No politician (in a democracy) should have "unwavering" support. No snark, that just kind of shows the scumball he is.

    But, can you imagine how creepy he'd be if he had the powers Rick Snyder has up here in Michigan…? We're only lucky that Snyder has a soul buried somewhere deep in his strange, nerdy personality that can actually be appealed to.

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