LOOK there is an illegal right nowWhat do we always know about America’s myriad unsolved problems? They are the fault of the illegalz. Recently, the illegalz have been trying to burn down all of Arizona with their chronic pyromaniac ruthlessness, according to senior desert wildfire detective Sen. John McCain. Asked by reporters at a press conference, “what’s the deal and how will you fix these insane wildfires,” he said what all Arizona GOP politicians say when they are too old and senile to actually hear and understand the questions anymore: “IT’S THE BORDER.” Old Grunty McWalnuts felt “evidence” was sort of a high standard of proof, so he went with “probably it was these things” like immigrants lighting fires at night to stay warm or send signals. Uh, okay! Aliens would rather start fires in the desert that they usually like to use for walking over from┬áMexico, because it is fun when it is exponentially more lethal to cross than ever before.

From CNN:

“There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by people who have crossed our border illegally,” McCain, R-Arizona, said Saturday at a press conference. “The answer to that part of the problem is to get a secure border.”

The Arizona senator, however, did not say what the evidence is, prompting a swift rebuke from Latino civil rights advocates.

“It’s easier to fan the flames of intolerance, especially in Arizona,” said Randy Parraz, a civil rights advocate who ran unsuccessfully against McCain as a Democratic candidate in 2010.

Secure the border, and the wildfires will go away forever, just like climate change, unemployment, racism, cancer and Jesus. [CNN]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • nounverb911

    Are these the same aliens that built the pyramids? Or are they your Panamanian relatives?

    • Negropolis


  • Barb

    Sir, until you take responsibility for the "Palin wildfire" that you started I have no interest in what you have to say. You chose a running mate after spending 86 minutes in her presence. You thought that you could capture the disenchanted Hillary voters by picking someone with a uterus and defeating "that one!" I spent more time picking my last car from the dealership than you did when picking the potential replacement POTUS. You would give the nuke codes to someone that is so ignorant that I wouldn't trust her to watch my Jiffy Pop popcorn on the stove, while I reached for ice for my soda, let alone be the leader of the United States military.

    Blaming Messicans for these fires is irresponsible and will just further fuel the hate in Arizona. You grow more hateful and ignorant with age and I feel it is time for you to retire and take your trophy wife out shopping for carpeting for your many homes and just get the hell out of politics.

  • memzilla

    Los Relámpagos is to blame, that Messican lightning cartel .

    • horsedreamer_1

      More likely, Percy Jackson.

      Arizonans always knew their grandkids were up to shit.

  • SexySmurf

    Personally, I blame all the flaming gay people.

    • PeaceWithHonor

      Can't put it all on Republicans

      • nounverb911

        We can try.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hey, we live to serve.

    • PsycWench

      Don't even get me started on the gay illegal atheists.

      • MissusBarry

        They're everywhere! Burning shit down and turning people gay with their displaying rainbow flags and having the nerve to marry. It's a Merkin crisis. Needz moar bible.

    • V572 [SSAN]

      Nah, it's cuz taxes are too high.

    • themcwow

      fire started in Sedona?

  • This guy will take care of those pesky aliens:

  • FNMA

    Boy, is there anything those Mexicans can't do?

    • nounverb911

      Work in Georgia?

      • user-of-owls

        Swim. They definitely cannot swim. Like the blacks.

        Mulattoes, on the other hand, can half-swim, albeit awkwardly.

        • Dashboard_Jesus

          a round of Upfists for my friends, drink up everybody! (hey it's my birthday- the REAL one- so it's ok that I'm up late Wonketeering, and drinking!)

        • Negropolis

          What the hell is the Rio Grande made out of, then? Fruitcake? How they backs get wet if they can't swim? Hengh? Messican goes in, Messican comes out. How's it work? How dey get up dere?

          • user-of-owls

            Dey got mules wat carry dem on dey back for to not get dey backs no legs wet dey. Dat how.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Let's bring some in to put out the fires.

  • I strongly suspect that were the messicans truly interested in arson, they might start with Jan Brewer's house and Walnuts' eleventy-thousand homes.

    • SarcasticNymph

      Har har har, a lot of us whites would be laughing our asses off in support if only ….

  • Build the damn firewall!

    • BlueMonkeh


  • elviouslyqueer

    Fireproof the danged fence!

    • BlueMonkeh

      more +++++

  • fartknocker

    Can Joan of Wasilla see the fire from her new bungalow in North Snotsdale?

  • politics_nerd

    Please Google: Why isn't Wall Street in Jail.

    Thanks in advance.

    Also Google: The Real Housewives of Wall Street.

    I will be selling pitchforks and torches on ebay later this afternoon. Thanks for bidding!

    • V572 [SSAN]

      Spoken like a true, job-creating entrepreneur! How would you like a nice tax cut?

    • ttommyunger

      Funny thing; todays peasants are armed to the fucking teeth! Well, maybe not so funny.

  • Boredw/Gravitas

    The illegals want Arizona hot & spicy, just like their food.

  • hollywooddood

    So Mavricky Walnuts has gone full teabagger. Get the net.

    • nounverb911

      Walnut tea?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Nouveau Rishi.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He's going to market his own brand of tea, just like Limburger.
      It will be aged, bitter, and hard to keep down.
      His wife suggested "Hurl Grey".

  • TrotskysAxe

    “It’s easier to fan the flames of intolerance, especially in Arizona,” said Randy Parraz…

    Nicely done, sir.

  • Serolf_Divad

    There is substantial evidence that everything bad in the world is caused by people whose demonization furthers my political ambitions.

    • HistoriCat

      Does Walnuts have any political ambitions left? He had his chance at the top spot and lost – TO ONE OF THOSE COLORED FOLKS!

      All he has left is bitter, bitter spite. And the media.

      • horsedreamer_1

        To Joe Klein, Jim van de Hei, & the rest of the DC intelligentsia, John Mc Cain never lost.

    • user-of-owls

      Genius. Pure Genius.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That sounds really familiar. How do you say Kristallnacht in Spanish?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Noche de Vidrio Roto?

  • The accompanying photo of him is funny mean. But since he puts the 'crotch' in crotchety it's also deserved.

    *I really feel bad, cracking up over that pic

    • SaintRond

      He's looking at Wiener's wiener.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Whew! These messicans are busy in AZ what with all the beheading of people, setting wild fires & keeping the white man from bricking/building all those Mcmansions. Not to mention keeping Walnuts' wife…um…satisfied.

  • SaintRond

    I'm sure of it now. McCain is definitely becoming senile. What he meant to say was, those fucking illegals burned down the Reichstag.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, and Dennis O'Leary's cow burned down Chicago.

  • Walnuts would know about causing explosions and fires.

    • sati_demise


    • C_R_Eature

      If there's a town called "Forrestal" in AZ, they better watch out.

  • jus_wonderin


  • Why do Republicans hate Jesus (and Angel, and Manuel, …)?

    • In the sense of if Jeebus was really a Jew why does he have a Puerto Rican name?

  • DangerHelvetica

    It's those Panamanians you REALLY have to worry about.

  • LiveToServeYa

    He's approaching Rudi status in his mono-issue-ity.

    • BlueMonkeh

      un sustantivo, un verbo y nueve once?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Once nueve. Mes despues del dia. 11-S (once septiembre).

  • freakishlywrong

    Jesus. If it's not "illegals" then it's "job killing". The mind boggles at the obtusiness.

    • horsedreamer_1

      "It was the One-Armed Man!"

  • To put that fire out, we need to set another fire in the same area to attack the original fire. I've read in some fire books that you have to fight fire with fire. This has been scientifically proved in a lab.

    • DaRooster

      I'm sure McCain, if he were to read this, would say,"Let's go get us some Mexicans… and they can fight the Mexicans…"

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Wait I thought Arizona was flame retardant. Or was it full of retards, I can't remember.

  • DaSandman

    Walnuts is a couple of months away from being caught fapping in the streets of DC.

  • baconzgood

    "There is substantial evidence that some of my synapses are firing improperly"

    -John McCain-

  • I blame undocumented lightning.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Great – now we have alien thunderstorms sneaking across the border. We're gonna have to made the fucking wall 40,000 feet tall.

    • horsedreamer_1

      "Undocumented Lightning" is what I call the Mexican knockoff Colt 45.

  • DaRooster

    Hey McCain… build a wall of FIRE… that should do it!

  • baconzgood


    • ThundercatHo

      When I lived in San Diego they were called "Beaners" which could be confusing cuz it sounds a lot like beamers. Perhaps by now it has been changed to the more correct "Frijoles".

  • metamarcisf

    Much more likely that these fires were started by Injuns sending smoke signals to warn drug traffickers about the Minutemen. Certainly not started by teabaggers firing machine guns into the brush during snipe hunting season.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I was thinking about the expressions "Messican" & "speakin' Messican", & I realized how, inadvertently, the Teabaggers demonstrated vestigial political-correctness. Considering the Spanish "México" or "Méjico" is actually just the closest attempt to the Nahuatl "Meshica" (no 'shuh' in Spanish), the Teabaggers have finished what the Andalucians started: restoring dignity to the place-name for the New World/El Dorado.

    When I tell the Teabaggers this, I'm sure they'll go Scanners, though.

  • DemonicRage

    We should let Grampy explain every damn thing in the world to us. Remember how great he was at solving the economic crisis that arose in the middle of his Presidential campaign… selfless he was at suspending his campaign, and the terrible price he paid, when not enough people voted for him afterwards? But he HAD to do it, to save us, just as he is saving us now from the perilous threat of people sneaking in, over the border. Could we please start carving a new head on Mount Rushmore?

  • WhatTheHeck

    Have these maroons considered the possibility that the wildfires could have been started by fire ants shooting off their weapons in the wilderness for kicks?

  • baconzgood

    That is the exact same kinda impenetrable logic my Ex-Father-in-law has.

  • the_problem_child

    Those illegal pastry chefs are burning our desserts!

  • philpjfry

    What passes for logic in his old decrepit brain that would even think that remark doesn't sound absolutely stupid, ignoran , baseless, pandering, fear mongering, demonizing, and riddiculous? Isn't there some kind of sanity test these guys must take to run for public office?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In Arizona, they take an insanity test.

  • Barb

    Thanks Histori. Who knew that Pop Rocks and Mountain Dew would be a good breakfast?

    • SarcasticNymph

      Is that your secret? Pop rocks and Mountain Dew? (taking notes)

  • HistoriCat

    Damned illegal pot-smoking immigrants! Taking away fire-starting jobs from our patriotic meth-making Real Mericans.

  • smitallica

    "And, my friends, by 'substantial evidence' I of course mean 'none whatsoever'."

  • Oblios_Cap

    "Old Man Yells at Clouds" – of smoke!

  • ganmerlad

    However, for McCain, the fires had a silver lining:

    'McCain said "the only way we are going to get these (forests) thinned is through greater participation of private enterprise" — adding the government should try to facilitate such initiatives, including by allowing limited logging in national parks.'

    Clear cutting…the conservative's wet dream. (Plus, it will be easier to see those pesky illegals when they have to cross out in the open)

  • ProgressiveInga

    I don't remember anything prior to his selection of Babble Spice. Except McNutz being part of the Keating 5. Somehow, I haven't forgotten that.

  • I don't think we're that far off from blaming everything on witches again.

    • HarryButtle

      And what do we do with witches? BURN THEM!

  • freakishlywrong

    Maybe Bristol drank too many wine coolers and set it, and doesn't remember.

    • sati_demise

      there may be more evidence that Bristol did it rather than illegals

  • CapeClod

    Because people seeking better opportunities for themselve just want to see the world burn down.

  • Jeez, he's still stuck on "build the dang fence". Someone should ask him what year it is.

  • Eve8Apples

    “There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by people who have crossed our border illegally,” McCain, R-Arizona, said Saturday at a press conference.

    Obviously, they found Taco Bell wrappers and empty bottles of Corona near the fire sight.

  • Steverino247

    Hey, dumbass! The U.S. Forest Service has already announced that the fire was started here:

    Why the hell would illegals be in a campground in the mountains NE of Tucson? Two "persons of interest" (which pretty much leaves out Mexicans laborers) have already been detained.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In AZ, all Mexicans, and people who look like them, are Persons of Interest.

  • iburl

    Global warming is simply illegal people heating up their "choriso".

  • Beetagger

    Again, McGrunty offers proof that Arizona is no country for old men. Time for the pneumatic hammer to his noggin.

  • cheetojeebus

    McCain clinches the all important angry-crazy-uncle-who-always-forwards-nutty-conservative-bullshit-emails vote. This is bad news for Romney.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Walnuts has his dentures in a twist because he's no longer relevant. He's just another smelly old demented white guy with a hair helmet and dandruff rummaging around in his vanity drawer for a Q-tip.

    • horsedreamer_1

      "No longer relevant"? Just you wait 'til the Upper Chamber Dinner Theatre stages Tom Coburn's Human Senapede, starring WALNUTS!, Ham-Biscuits, & Droopy.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This comment is Hot Chip.

  • neiltheblaze

    Funny – they never seem to shove microphones in the faces of Democrats after they lose their presidential bids. But somehow, this senile turkey isn't dismissed as a has-been. The American Media, hard at work.

  • orygoon

    It's all those dried-up old people. They're careless with cigarettes and backyard barbecue things, and they are ever so flammable.

  • These illegal Messicans are very crafty–they figured out how to burn down an entire state that is made of rock, sand and water filled cactus plants.

  • Troglodeity

    "Sending signals" with fires? Why don't they just shoot guns and ring bells?

  • SaintRond

    I think you just made one of my favorite comments right there.

  • Gopherit

    According to Jon McCain, given the opportunity to sneak into the US, illegals will always climb 8000+ ft mountains rather than going around them. They will continue to do this all the way into the continental US……because only pussies walk on flatish areas. Fucking idiot.

  • ArmoredBore

    How about he pulls less answers and more firefighters from out of his ass?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Blaming the powerless, isn't that what America is all about?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    You mean, "my lebensraum".

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Well, it's that, or bells and gunshots.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Shhh. He's on a roll.

  • So thanks to a car engine experiencing complete failure I was stuck in this part of Arizona for a few days and decided to do the only thing I know how to do. Get drunk, eat too much and cry about the $5k I was about to spend on a car (which is still stuck in this part of Arizona despite myself being in the Bay Area now.)

    The locals (read: bartenders, waitresses, daytime drinkers) had heard that at least one suspect was in the process of being detained. Believe it or not he was an "illegal"-American born and raised in the area and under the age of 18. And everyone (read: bartenders, waitresses, daytime drinkers) never said anything about illegal spacebacks, just that the people born and raised in the area are the worst people in the world when it comes to preventing these fires.

  • owhatever

    Is burning down Arizona really such a bad thing? It will grow back greener, stronger, better than before.

  • voodooeconomics

    I thought John mccain passed away on November 08.who is this guy?

  • fitley

    Maybe it was a pile of burning illegal heads that Gov. Brewer said were littering the desert. Somebody probably illegal was trying to hide all their heads this time, by burning them. It could happen. Maybe the cop who got fired for shooting himself and then saying it was from a shootout with illegals, lit them. I don't even trust cops who don't shoot themselves.

  • Negropolis

    Juan Macain: Dick-pics or GTFO.

    Looks like they are slowly evolving; I mean, at least they didn't blame it on the Jews, this time.

  • Negropolis

    There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by John McCain crashing jet fighters in the forests. That, and those pesky gray aliens always crashing their UFO's in the Southwest.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    Should he be looking at his daughter's twitter?

  • zhubajie

    Pyromaniac space aliens, maybe, lighting fires to cook the steaks they cut from the cattle!

  • ttommyunger

    Senator Crankypants is just being driven slowly around the bend by the knowledge that a dry-drunk frat boy fucked him out of the Presidency twice and the fact that he fucked himself out of it the last time with his own foolish pick of an ignorant twat for a running mate. Oh, and having a cunt for a wife…..his word, not mine.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Fucking McCain. The guy enjoyed a very long honeymoon with Zonie voters, who dug the war hero shtick, and eventually with the national press, who dug the "maverick" shtick, and now he's losing the shtick and revealing himself as the asshole he probably always was.

    Aristophanes or Shakespeare could probably make something compelling out of this, but to me it's just another fucking asshole.

Previous articleMichele Bachmann Joins Elitist Club of The Glitter-Bombed
Next articleMichelle Obama Confusing Everyone With Colorful Health Things