POLLING SHOCKER  1:50 pm June 17, 2011

‘A Republican’ Higher In Polls Against Obama Than Actual GOP Candidates

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

what about this guy? he is not a real human.A new Gallup poll shows sad person Barack Obama down by 5 points in a generic matchup with “a Republican” as his opponent, which if there were any Republicans running for president, this would be a problem for Obama. Mitt Romney and everyone else are still losing to Obama in the polls. The American people are now so cynical that the actual fact of being a Republican human running for office makes you less popular than the incumbent human currently busy bombing earth and sending SWAT teams after anti-war activists and student loan defaulters, so everyone would prefer to elect someone who is not a Democrat, and not real.

The GOP is so awful at finding one competent candidate to run for president that if you took all the current candidates and smashed them together Hadron Collider-style to make one terrifying Republican beast with the legs of Herman Cain, the torso of Mitt Romney, the heads of Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann and the hair of Newt Gingrich, you probably still would get something that would elicit a massive, “eh, whatever” from Republican-leaning voters.

From the Daily Caller:

Although 44 percent of respondents said they would vote for a Republican candidate when asked whom they would support in the 2012 election, only 39 percent of participants said they would vote for Obama. Eighteen percent of respondents said they had no opinion.

AND YET:

An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll released on Wednesday, for example, found that Obama would beat Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney, 49 percent to 43 percent.

The NBC/WSJ poll also reported that Obama would win against top-tier contender Tim Pawlenty by 50 percent to 39 percent.

It is still good to know in our hearts, at least, that nearly 1 in 5 Americans still has “no opinion” whatsoever.¬†[Daily Caller]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 227 comments }

Barb June 17, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Maybe they can just build a Republican from spare parts and call him "Fuckingstein"

nounverb911 June 17, 2011 at 1:54 pm

But where will they find a brain?

Barb June 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

They can't find a brain. They do, however, have a plethora of assholes in stock.

JustPixelz June 18, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I know what you mean. To Repubicans, Newt is the "smart" one.

Nothingisamiss June 17, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Abby Normal

KeepFnThatChicken June 17, 2011 at 2:03 pm

…too Jewish.

FlyOverGirl June 18, 2011 at 7:14 am

That's Governor Fuckingstein.

JustPixelz June 18, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Why don't they just keep calling him "Romney"?

Negropolis June 18, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Better yet, they could simply call him "Tim Pawlenty."

nounverb911 June 17, 2011 at 1:53 pm

"None of the above" for president.

Swampgas_Man June 17, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Nobody can solve the economic mess.
Nobody can solve the Middle East crisis.

As soon as we find someone named "Nobody" or the equivalent, we've got it made!
VOTE FOR NOBODY!

Noman June 17, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Vote for Noman!

missemish June 17, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Reminds me of a button I found in the Bush era: "Somebody else for President."

ThundercatHo June 17, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Can we try smashing them all to bits? Pretty please?

memzilla June 17, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Zombie Reagan/Zombie Nixon 2012!
-
It's a no-brainer!

weejee June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Needz moar female (sorta)

Zombie Reagan/Zombie Ayn Rand – fixed

BornInATrailer June 17, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Zombie Reagan/Zombie Thatcher!

(Don't worry, she'll make the filing deadline.)

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I like Zombie Ike! Data analysis shows him to be more liberal than ANY candidate, Republican or Democrat, running in this cycle.

smitallica June 17, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Actually, it's an eat-brainer.

MLite June 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm

He'll break new ground as the first clinically dead President to serve.

Mahousu June 17, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Well, other than the last year of Woodrow Wilson's term. And the last three or so years of Reagan's.

OneDollarJuana June 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Edith Wilson was our first woman president. I think Nancy Reagan was our second.

Weenus299 June 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm

The waters are getting just right for Pat Buchanan to plunge in. Naked as a jaybird.

Mumbletypeg June 17, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Funny, I was thinking the same thing. As in, "what's missing from this lineup?"…

tihond June 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm

If he got the nomination, all of his voters would just end up voting for Gore by accident.

Ducksworthy June 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Also, in the latest poll I saw 34% of the Amerikun people represent a massive failure of ou mental health system. Too.

weejee June 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm

An anusburger fecesburger salute to you Ducks!

CapeClod June 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm

The problem is that none of the candidates are named Ronald Reagan.

Tundra Grifter June 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Given the average age of Fox listeners and viewers, and Tea Baggers in general, that should be "Geriatric" Republican.

OneYieldRegular June 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm

"Republican human"? Kristen. Pu-LEEZ. (Oh, and by the way, I never got a chance to welcome you – so, welcome!).

donner_froh June 17, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Republican humanoid life form?

Republican replicant?

Republican asshole? (sorry, redundant)

SorosBot June 17, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Or, according to the article image, Republican cyborg, more machine now than man, twisted and evil.

genxr June 17, 2011 at 4:33 pm

We tried that here in CA. Even after SkyNet went online, he still couldn't balance the budget.

Weenus299 June 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm

He's got plenty of time for it, being unemployed and all.

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 2:26 pm

If he's unemployed, how can he afford a Tweeter Machine? Socialist layabout needs to quit sucking on the government teet.

Gopherit June 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Once again proving polls are useless because you are deriving your data from the retarded asswipes we call "likely voters".

CapeClod June 17, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Or because The Daily Caller is sponsoring the poll.

HobbesEvilTwin June 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Not to mention that the people who still use/answer their landlines are not exactly representative. Or I guess they are representative of some sort of subset of luddite retards.

Gleem_McShineys June 17, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Think about it, they're not only Luddite Retards, but they also
Are Home At The Time Retards
Don't Screen Their Calls Retards
Have Time To Take A Phone Poll Retards
Want To Take A Phone Poll Retards

GuyClinch June 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I think this is a fine opportunity for me to run the dead moth that's been on my window-sill for a couple of weeks, with one of my dirty ashtrays as its running mate. Iowa, here we come! Dead Moth/Dirty Ashtray 2012!

Lascauxcaveman June 17, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Just last night, my cats left two strong candidates for the Republican nom on my Aubusson carpet:

Front Half of Woodrat / Back Half of Squirrell 2012!

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Given the respect they show for French art forms, your cats are "likely voters."

PsycWench June 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

My neighbors have about eight chickens that wander over to our place for handouts of stale bread and watermelon rinds and they leave offerings of poop and the occasional egg. I'm not sure which one should get the top slot.

Angry_Marmot June 18, 2011 at 8:02 am

The one highest in the pecking order, with the least number of holes in its head.

PsycWench June 18, 2011 at 10:13 am

I dunno, one of them reminds me of Michele Bachmann…female, all fluffy, got this crazy eye thing going, and is always late to whatever is going on.

tessiee June 17, 2011 at 6:14 pm

"my cats left two strong candidates for the Republican nom on my Aubusson carpet"

Check the litter box for Cabinet members.

Swampgas_Man June 17, 2011 at 7:05 pm

But can you PROVE they're American Citizens?

BIRF CERTIFICATE!

finallyhappy June 17, 2011 at 4:21 pm

From Maryland, we would like to nominate Stink Bug/Stink bug 2012

GuyClinch June 17, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I'm in my Bethesda office right now and there's a stinkbug living on my dusty plant. Just checked and it's not wearing a flag pin, so I'mma squash it. Chinese Stink Bug Commie Muslin Usurper!!!1one!!

catchtheflava June 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm

New York is offering Bed Bug/Cuomo. The bed bug sends its relatives to your home and Cuomo savages the social safety net while you're distracted.

Callyson June 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I would panic, but in June 2003, Joe Lieberman was leading the Democratic pack: http://www.gallup.com/poll/8716/lieberman-continu
Once we go from "a Republican" to "the Republican," it's game on…

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 2:32 pm

And last election cycle, at this point in time, it was Hillary vs. 9/11 bitch as the shoe-in candidates for the 2008 election.

4TheTurnstiles June 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm

JOEMENTUM

Tommmcattt June 17, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Oh, my, fisties for you!

4TheTurnstiles June 17, 2011 at 2:18 pm

looks like downfister got you, so I got you back. Fists up, sodomites!

weejee June 17, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Joe the Plumber or Zombie Stalin? Long form birth certificate on the latter might be difficult, but as Obama has shown not impossible.

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Think about it: Gore-Liebermann, Kerry-Edwards, Mc Cain-Palin. I say all three men were more damaged by Viet Nam service than any of us knew. (Well, except in the case of WALNUTS!) Only PTSD can explain those VP picks.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:15 pm

You're definitely on to something. This is thesis material, Horsedreamer, PhD.

orygoon June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I don't have any idea what actual republicans are "thinking", but I myself have been waxing nostalgic for Fred Thompson lately. His "candidacy" was just riveting.

4TheTurnstiles June 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

No snark: I'm nostalgic for Tom McCall, the last reasonable Republican and an excellent public servant. Today he'd be to the left of Pelosi.

TX_Bluebonnets June 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm

So true it hurts, Turnstiles.

P.S. Don't Californicate Oregon.

Schmannnity June 17, 2011 at 10:15 pm

CHUCK PERCY 2012!

neiltheblaze June 17, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I don't know – in 2008 none of the Republican voters could seem to handle the sheer kinetic electricity of his debate performances.

OkieDokieDog June 17, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Fred's too busy now scamming the olds in those reverse mortgage ads.

finallyhappy June 17, 2011 at 4:25 pm

It pisses me off how many "actors" sell crap like this. Those awful insurance policies(although Union Fidelity – a crap company-provided me with good summer work for 3 summers in the early 70's- $2 an hour was good pay- really), the reverse mortgages, and free Diabetes supplies(and how does that work??)

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:20 pm

In the same way the Casey Anthony trial is riveting.

tessiee June 17, 2011 at 6:20 pm

"I myself have been waxing nostalgic for Fred Thompson lately"

Homer Simpson: All of you Republican candidates get out of my house! And that means you, too, Fred Thompson! I see you hiding behind that plant!
Fred (pleadingly): But I was in "Die Hard".
Homer (with scornful emphasis): "Die Hard TWO"!

OhNoGuy June 17, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Those aren't rivets in his neck, they're bolts. Boy, are you dumb. Want the VP slot?

KeepFnThatChicken June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Does the Michelle Bachmann head eat lesbians? I know the Pawlenty one won't.

Swampgas_Man June 17, 2011 at 7:08 pm

She's too worried about lesbeens eating her.

SexySmurf June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Strangely, "generic Republican" still less generic than Tim Pawlenty.

Ducksworthy June 17, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Timmy is not just generic. He is banal. As in the banality of evil though.

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Alex Burrows bites my finger in Pawlenty's generic direction.

finallyhappy June 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

How is T-Paw top tier- in what way, NBC?

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 8:44 pm

All of them, Brian.

PeaceWithHonor June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

The generic Republican has a jobs plan, doesn't want to gut Medicare and can have an actual conversation with people without being painfully awkward, changing the subject or running away.

genxr June 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Generic/Unspecified 2012!

CapeClod June 17, 2011 at 2:13 pm

The generic Republican doesn't taunt unemployed people by making jokes about how his vast wealth means he doesn't have to work and is thus unemployed just like them. Also.

OneYieldRegular June 17, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I believe you're confusing the "generic Republican" with the "mythological Republican."

PeaceWithHonor June 17, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Exactly

Gleem_McShineys June 17, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I've seen the grainy footage of "generic Republican" out in the woods.

I WANT TO BELIEVE

mog253 June 20, 2011 at 3:51 pm

The Truth is Out There.

baconzgood June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Meh/Some Guy 2012

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 2:41 pm

None of the above/Who cares? 2012

genxr June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Generic Republican is awesome. Generic Republican can lower taxes, balance the budget, get government out of my way, keep us safe and secure, and make us feel good about ourselves. There is nothing Generic Republican can't do.

Obama doesn't stand a chance against Generic Republican.

metamarcisf June 17, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Let's see Generic Republican tweet his Weiner.

HistoriCat June 17, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Generic Republican has no sexual organs – just like Mitt Romney.

ThundercatHo June 17, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Generic Republican sounds a lot like Alprazolam. Probably not a bad idea.

metamarcisf June 17, 2011 at 2:16 pm

"A benzo in every pot!"

MissusBarry June 17, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I really don't know your preferred directionality for fisting. I hope the upfist doesn't offend.

TX_Bluebonnets June 17, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Xanax for everyone!

Soma?

Opium, for you old fashioned (fascist?) Marxists?

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Thorazine for all those with Hoveround tendencies … hashish with a champagne chaser for the Wonkeratti.

HistoriCat June 17, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I want some of those magic mushrooms.

OhNoGuy June 17, 2011 at 9:43 pm

And get lost walking around the block, no thanks.

tessiee June 17, 2011 at 6:24 pm

"Opium, for you old fashioned (fascist?) Marxists? "

Religion is the opiate of the masses, but opium works, too.

OhNoGuy June 17, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Opium is the religion of the masses.

metamarcisf June 17, 2011 at 2:03 pm

"When you clock the human race with the stopwatch of history, it's a new record every time." – Richard Nixon

Monsieur_Grumpe June 17, 2011 at 2:48 pm

The robot president from I Think We're All Bozos on This Bus that sounds like Nixon on downers:

"The main spring of this country, wound up as tight as it is, is guaranteed for the life of the watch and who’s watching? People like you *Jim* and you *Barney honk* people who are alerted and unafraid to waste the little time that I have scheduled for your question."

Sue4466 June 17, 2011 at 2:03 pm

What are the odds that the same folks who have no opinion on the presidential election are part of the 20% who believe Elvis is alive, we didn't land on the moon, and the devil is real (and is Obama)?

justkillmenow June 17, 2011 at 3:09 pm

The same ones who aren't sure if Hawaii is a state.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:29 pm

The same ones who believed reading My Pet Goat was an appropriate response to the twin towers falling and clearing brush was an appropriate response to Hurricane Katrina.

genxr June 17, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Elvis is alive and Republicans are fiscally responsible.

OhNoGuy June 17, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Thank God somebody is thinkin' straight.

Rotundo_ June 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

The problem with the poll is the nature of the Republican party: When you actually look at what they propose as individual candidates, they suck mightily. To know, know, know them is to loathe, loathe, loathe them and we do.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Ah, but who votes based on policies? I'm banking on my sister-in-law's theory … people vote for the candidate with the most attractive eyebrows.

tessiee June 17, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Why can't they see?
How blind can they be?

OhNoGuy June 17, 2011 at 9:56 pm

I think a lot of folks are ready to vote for a hot lead enema. A word to the wise, it's too late to clench when the funnel is in your butt.

Chillwaver June 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

That "Generic Republican" guy sounds like a total RINO to me.

Mort_Sinclair June 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

What I would give to see walking dead thing Dick Cheney run against Obama. Remember the good ol' days when the veep went around shooting people in the face? Heady days, those…..

PubOption June 17, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Is Cheney still eligible, or does his mechanical heart mean that he is no longer a natural person?

orygoon June 17, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Now we just have an affable vice president who shoots himself in the foot. Bor-ing!

SorosBot June 17, 2011 at 2:05 pm

So people would rather vote for a nobody? This is good news for Jon(?) Huntsman!

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 2:13 pm

As long as we can get a body on Liddy, I'm in.

Sue4466 June 17, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Poor T'Paw. Didn't even rate as your nobody.

Doktor Zoom June 17, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I suppose it's worth mentioning that the "student loan SWAT Team" thing was seriously misreported–it wasn't a SWAT team, and it wasn't about a student loan default. Happily, they're saving the SWAT teams for those dangerous pot smokers.

Crank_Tango June 17, 2011 at 2:40 pm

LOL yeah I just looked that up, because duh my loans are not exactly up to date.

genxr June 17, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Now that Osama is dead, Seal Team Six is going after those deadbeat students. Yee-haw!

Chillwaver June 17, 2011 at 2:06 pm

"The NBC/WSJ poll also reported that Obama would win against top-tier contender Tim Pawlenty by 50 percent to 39 percent."

Barry is in big trouble if he's only beating T-Paw by 11 pts.

Fare la Volpe June 17, 2011 at 2:11 pm

One point for each inch.

Chillwaver June 17, 2011 at 3:02 pm

My favorite part of the debate was when T-Paw didn't have the guts to back up his "Obamneycare" comments when asked. T-Paw: No dick, no balls.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:34 pm

No Weiner?

donner_froh June 17, 2011 at 2:06 pm

On what alternate universe is Tim Pawlenty a "top-tier candidate" for anything but Chinless Dumbfuck in Chief?

justkillmenow June 17, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I thought that was Mitch's job.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Remember, we're talking about the people who voted for Palin because they liked her glasses.

Swampgas_Man June 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm

And think Bachmann is crazy-sexy.

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 2:06 pm

With Obama drawing 39% against "Brand Generic" GOP, but 49 against Omney & 50 in front of Gov. Autotune, it just means that between five & ten percent of poll respondents consider Obama a Republican. Nader — & Ken Layne! — were right!

As well, a piddling number, maybe one percent, don't consider Mittens & T-Paw Republicans. RINOS!

skoalrebel June 17, 2011 at 2:08 pm

I'm forming an exploratory committee to test the waters for a presidential bid. I'm a true American and a real Republican, which means I'm already ahead of Obama in the polls. [spit!] Let's get ready to rumble, America! Game On! USA! USA!

ThundercatHo June 17, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Do you have a jacked-up truck? Is it camo? How many guns do you own? (Just a little debate prep for ya)

skoalrebel June 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Fuck, yeah, the truck's jacked up [spit!] And I did the camo paint job myself, with a little help from my cousin Jimmy. I'll bring two of my five rifles to the debate, along with my trusty Colt revolver. I'm so fuckin' ready, man. Totally fuckin' ready for action.

GunToting[Redacted] June 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm

S&W or GTFO.

BlueStateLibel June 17, 2011 at 4:08 pm

But do you have any embarassing divorces in your background? It seems to be something necessary to run as GeeOPeer these days. I think you need at least two ex-wives.

Dudleydidwrong June 17, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I'm ready to vote for you. Sign me up. But…I'm concerned about some of the things you and your buddies do out in the shed with sheep? Is that going to be a problem? Or will that give you some real street cred with the typical Republican voter?

ArmoredBore June 17, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Unless Barry can win my heart or someone else better comes along, I'm going with the GOOP: The Great Old Ones Party.

HistoriCat June 17, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Those who vote for him will be devoured first.

ArmoredBore June 17, 2011 at 2:28 pm

As is our dearest hope! YES WE CAN!! NO MORE YEARS!!

SmutBoffin June 17, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Shub-niggurath/Thousand Young 2012!

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I used to hate the olds who voted only in their own financial interest. Today, I see them as the Maginot Line against the destruction of all social programs.

Mumbletypeg June 17, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Repubs are overlooking the ultimate entertainment factor. If politicians had a clue, they would get on Dancing With the Stars prior to commencing that arc into presidential territory. Enough voters confuse watchability/ star appeal with presidential potential that it couldn't go wrong? — unless we really have devolved into a nation of ass-backward thickwits who place redemptive value on has-been and ignominus alike just for the sake of "I like a good comeback kid story!"..

GunToting[Redacted] June 17, 2011 at 3:45 pm

See: Reagan, Ronnie.

Come here a minute June 17, 2011 at 2:11 pm

How does a generic Wingnut Grifter stack up against Obama?

weejee June 17, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Careful she who shall not be named doesn't start whining about Palin piling-on

MissusBarry June 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I think it needs to be a video. I, for one, want to see actual magic…as long as they don't disappear. Ew.

Angry_Marmot June 18, 2011 at 7:56 am

I've seen magic underwear. It ain't that special.

Noman June 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm

You're welcome.

SexySmurf June 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Funny, that's what I told your mother before I left this morning.

SmutBoffin June 17, 2011 at 2:49 pm

"Guns don't kill jobs…"

'Course not! In many cases, like workplace shootings, they actually open up new positions!

UpFistTroll June 17, 2011 at 2:51 pm

And yet every single actual candidate loses when put up against Obama. Which means that your pathetic little shitstains on the ticket aren't even good enough to be called generic Republicans, which is sort of like people pining to be as scintillating as dog shit.

But don't worry, because Obama's so fucking right-wing already that he may as well run on your ticket.

CapeClod June 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Brain bleach, please.

fuflans June 17, 2011 at 2:18 pm

terrifying Republican beast

needs brain of palin to be truly terrifying.

kissawookiee June 17, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Hers could be the one that controls the legs and tail.

Swampgas_Man June 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Top scientists are still looking for that.

donner_froh June 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

So if I were to register to vote in a state other than Michigan–New York, for example–and declare my party preference as Republican, I would be leading the President in the Daily Caller poll as a Generic Republican.

Sounds like fun–I can hold press conferences, get campaign monies from corporations and have the Secret Service drive me around.

ganmerlad June 17, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Since magic underwear of the Mormon variety is ugly, he would be way better off borrowing Magic Johnson's magical underwear if he wants to score extra points.

AJWjr. June 17, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I thought it was Michael Jordan that modeled underwear, on the TV, for money?

OneDollarJuana June 17, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Wait, isn't that TVeeting? Why didn't Jordan get kicked out of the NBA?

ifthethunderdontgetya June 17, 2011 at 2:23 pm

and smashed them together Hadron Collider-style

It's the goopers we're talking about here, right Kirsten? Shirley you meant "large Hardon Colider?"
~

SaintRond June 17, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Don't forget David "I did not shit on that woman" Vitter. He'd be awesome.

Pithaughn June 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Good catch there ifthe…ya. What do you suppose the dispersion pattern of newt colliding with a molecule of gold at velocity of 99.9999% the speed of light would tell us about his character?

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Not much, but I bet it would come in a robin's egg blue box.

Swampgas_Man June 17, 2011 at 7:18 pm

I don't think any of these could summon a hardon of measurable length.

Except maybe Bachmann.

metamarcisf June 17, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Angling for another award?

ifthethunderdontgetya June 17, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I was going to say he's got his worm in the water, but then I'd be accused of obsessing over another person's pee-ness again.
~

prommie June 17, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Wanna see a screenshot of my p-score? Its throbbing . . .

prommie June 17, 2011 at 3:10 pm

The fame, it goes to your head, next thing you know you are a shameless famewhore.

Nothingisamiss June 17, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I'm just waiting for the scanda. (And hoping it's good!)

fuflans June 17, 2011 at 2:30 pm

also: wtf is up with all those polls (and mara liassom piously pondering barry's upcoming loss?)

it's fucking summer people! it's a year and five months until the election. the republicans aren't even close to a final field. the economy is more peripatetic than sarah palin's bus tour and could – for all we know – be up again in october '12.

geesh.

the media REALLY needs to get out from under our feet and to go play in the sunshine with some of the neighbor kids.

Crank_Tango June 17, 2011 at 2:43 pm

well, when the media stops wetting its pants all the time, then maybe the neighbor kids will stop picking on it.

MissusBarry June 17, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I think I'd prefer downers to get through this. Maybe some vodka and valium to reduce or possibly elimiate consciousness.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Promise you'll share.

MissusBarry June 17, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Wonketteers must stick together.

Ducksworthy June 17, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Also, remember Jeebus is a Rethuglican and he might jump in the race. (Although after his disappointing showing May 21, I doubt it.)

Radiotherapy June 17, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Couldn't Cheney tweet his fake heart?

4TheTurnstiles June 17, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Huntsman has to go through Rick Perry first. Tenderly at first, but building in aggression and heat, resolving into a very not gay at all climax for… America!

because Rick Perry calls his libido "America" and he likes it fucked regularly

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 2:39 pm

He would have the coveted Mahmoud Ahmadinejad endorsement. Finally, American-Iranian rapproachment.

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 2:42 pm

NO MULATOS MULLETS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

x111e7thst June 17, 2011 at 2:49 pm

If Generic Republicans are polling so well, maybe there is some percentage (money? 15 minutes of fame?) in starting the Generic Republican Party. It probably would not take much more than a website and a couple of You Tube thingys.

FNMA June 17, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Unfortunately, all of the good money — Koch cash — is tied up in crazy.

El Pinche June 17, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Christie on deck? I hope it 's reinforced with rebar and cement. We're a shallow folk and would never vote for a slob like that tub of lard.

As for the other guy, Huntsman = Obamar-loving libral

El Pinche June 17, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Don't panic. It's Friday and Barry's a corporatist , he'll win . They always win.

PalinPussyPower June 17, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Is this the part where I raise my hand? Because I certainly would.

mrblifil June 17, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I'm voting for this guy because he is a conservative that has a way with women.

mrblifil June 17, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Also, too, I wonder how A. Republican would do against Weiner's Wang of Wonder. I'd say Weiner would edge him out by at least a few inches.

neiltheblaze June 17, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Republicans are awaiting the sudden appearance of a dark-horse Regan figure to take them out of the wilderness the real Regan started the process of driving them to.

genxr June 17, 2011 at 4:20 pm

They're really waiting for the sudden appearance of four dark horse Reagan figures to usher in a thousand years of tribulation.

finallyhappy June 17, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Regan- wasn't that the name of the girl in the Exorcist? Because she is much preferred mby me to the President who conducted witch hunts at my agency(and where we were so disorganized- we "couldn't" find a lot of the files they were looking for- yes, kids – no computerized files- just paper/paper/paper). I will mention one evil project we funded that the Reagan thugs wanted to look at- a group that was encouraging publishing of books in which girls were not Nurse Nancy or happy homemakers. Girls doing all the work boys/men did in books- therefore we were encouraging lesbianism(I am not kidding!)

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Santorum still thinks that.

Angry_Marmot June 18, 2011 at 8:35 am

If her head spins around, she's got the nomination.

Negropolis June 18, 2011 at 11:51 pm

That was brilliant.

SorosBot June 17, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Isn't Jolt Cola dead?

AutomaticPilot June 17, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Isn't Vivarin dead, too?

Swampgas_Man June 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I think they just repackaged it as 5 Hour Energy.

Negropolis June 17, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Isn't that the point?

DaSandman June 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Huh…

So we don't like Rethugs or Dems. Apparently neither does anyone else.

So here's a radical thought: how about a progressive humanist who will avocate the use of our resources for the good of the entire populace, not to mention the world? Someone who would actually enforce the laws against rich and poor alike?

Somelike like say, a real compassionate human being, as opposed to the usual suspect Kochsuckers?

neiltheblaze June 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I might feel proud of my country for the first time if that were possible.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Progressive Humanist = To hard for Amerikans to spel

Poindexter718 June 17, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I wanna say apart from the current field, they'd elect "any Republican with a pulse," but I don't mean to exclude Darth Cheney.

BarackMyWorld June 17, 2011 at 3:39 pm

There's a few simple problems with this type of polling:
"A Republican" doesn't have to pander to Tea Party voters and alienate the general population.
"A Republican" doesn't have to run negative ads.
"A Republican" doesn't have to let you know where he stands on the issues.
"A Republican" doesn't have to defend his record as governor, or explain questionable votes taken in Congress.
"A Republican" has no wacky quotes to be taken and examined.
"A Republican" isn't a real person, and thus automatical gets high favorability for having none of those pesky human flaws.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Double shudder when you think how often we'd have to hear from his Sister-from-hell, Bay Buchanan.

smitallica June 17, 2011 at 4:13 pm

This is good news for John McCain.

genxr June 17, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Also, "Republican policies" poll higher than any actual, specific Republican policy.

A majority of Americans identify themselves as "conservative" and prefer policies that violate conservative principles.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Just as people "believe in" marriage and yet get divorced 50% of the time. Just as some governors love Jeebus, but only give his church half of one percent of their money.

BarackMyWorld June 17, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Or hate Obamacare, but agree with every individual part of it.

gurukalehuru June 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Polls prove, once again, that 28% of the American people did not understand the question.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 5:06 pm

In spite of the fact they are graduates of the University of Phoenix.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Hmmm, maybe Huntsman is their Trojan horse. Is he related to Angela Lansbury?

Beetagger June 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Republicans are big on imaginary friends… ie., Jeebus.

mrblifil June 17, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Woe betide me, they have smote my p-ness full sore.

bloodandirony June 17, 2011 at 5:23 pm

When veteran snake-hunter and rain-dancer Rick Perry gets into the race, we might finally have something to worry about.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Pin-up boy of the home-skoolin' moms.

Dudleydidwrong June 17, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Won't work. One person (or semi-person) can't run for two offices.

proudgrampa June 17, 2011 at 5:46 pm

None / Of the Above 2012!!1!!

Gleem_McShineys June 17, 2011 at 6:01 pm

This is quite remarkable, for Generic Troll to actually place anywhere on the "nearly evoked a single solitary 'heh' poll," which is sooo very close to actual laughter.

I commend your effort, Generic Troll! Keep learning from your Wonketeers, and maybe, one day, you might actually bring a form of joy to some random someone's life that does NOT involve their joy at you being launched into the sun!

ONE DAY!

tessiee June 17, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Wait till they poll him running against "A White Guy".

Thedongsofwar June 17, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Maybe we can have a rotating cast of guest star Republican nominees. Every week, the RNC can put up a toll number and people can vote them off.

ttommyunger June 17, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Mike Hunt and Oliver Closoff, 2012. You're welcome!

C_R_Eature June 17, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Jeezus Kee-rist, Gallup – what lame Methodology!
e.g.: "86% of Men said they'd agree to a free Blow Job, but when it was revealed to be from a 65 year old filthy Wino with no teeth the percentage dropped to 16 %"
Fuckin' hacks. They get paid for this , BTW.

5% of surveyed Amreicuns had no opinion. The results of total immersion in our Modern Media & Educational Environment., Ladies and Gentlemen. Patriotactunlawfulwiretapillegalwarglobalwarmingenronbankingcollapse Ho hum. LOOK IT'S A PENIS TWIT!!!! 24/7!!!!

Also, Kristin…Way to frighten the Bejeezus out of me with that horrible lead image of the name of my horrible psychopathological pulseless semi ex neighbor ON A FUCKIN' PRESIDENTIAL BADGE. As if that last 8 years didn't create so much damage to this civilization & world that would take many times my expected lifespan to correct. The nightmares were just beginning to go away goddammit. Must. Get Very. Drunk. Now.

OhNoGuy June 17, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Weiner+underwear pics = Romney media consultant

Come on folks, do I have to tweet you a picture?

BlueStateLibel June 17, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Or a pregnant high-school teenage daughter…hair looks like decent, which is a plus.

rocktonsam June 17, 2011 at 10:26 pm

DRAFT CHENEY 2012

ONE OF HIS KIDS IS TEH GAY

Negropolis June 17, 2011 at 10:44 pm

But, can you imagine what a methhead would do to raise revenues? Those bastard's will do anything for money. Anything…tax cuts for the rich would be yesterday's news. They'd be raising taxes on everything. Our deficits would disappear overnight, well, until they blew all new revenues on meth, that is. But, at least the congress could stop the president.

Negropolis June 17, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Too bad "Generic Republican" couldn't make it through the GOP primaries. If frogs had wings, well, you know the rest.

Honestly, though, this is nothing short of amazing how well Obama is running, because if you'd listen to the media, you'd already think he was a lame duck. He's actually more a slightly bruised black swan.

LetUsBray June 18, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Speaking of black swans, I see where Mila Kunis has a movie about being friends with benefits with a guy, which is funny because Natalie Portman did the same a few months ago. Now, a film where they're friends with benefits with each other… *sigh*

Negropolis June 18, 2011 at 11:50 pm

I like how your mind works, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter…

JustPixelz June 18, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Nonsense! Newtron is man of unshakeable principles. His Baptist Catholic faith. His congressional district PAC. Health insurance reform including excluding an individual mandate. His wife Jackie Marianne Callista.

lumpenprole June 19, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Draft Tall Glass of Vodka! It's our only hope.

Nothingisamiss June 20, 2011 at 7:52 am

KBJ, good on ya for posting at 1:00am wonkette time. THAT's initiative! Coffee, snark and anger are what make mornings juuuuust right! Welcome!

Negropolis June 17, 2011 at 10:46 pm

WIN(ing)!

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