crazy batshit nonsense

Michele Bachmann Nearly Eaten By Lesbians In 2005

ASK ME A QUESTION RIGHT NOWOne of Michele Bachmann’s many “special talents” is that she is able to interpret an attempt at friendly discussion by some constituents as a traumatizing individual-size terrorist attack on her person. While running for state senate back in 2005, Bachmann met with voters to discuss various issues, including her opposition to gay marriage. After the talk, a lesbian couple who happened to be in attendance “wanted to discuss certain issues further,” which in Michele Bachmann’s mind sounded more like “advanced stage lesbian cannibal robot brain invasion.” So Michele did the normal thing for a politician to do when a voter asks her a question, and she ran away screaming.
The Daily Beast reports:

A few dozen people showed up at the town hall for the April 9 event, and Bachmann greeted them warmly. But when, during the question and answer session, the topic turned to gay marriage, Bachmann ended the meeting 20 minutes early and rushed to the bathroom. Hoping to speak to her, [Pamela] Arnold and another middle-aged woman, a former nun, followed her. As Bachmann washed her hands and Arnold looked on, the ex-nun tried to talk to her about theology. Suddenly, after less than a minute, Bachmann let out a shriek. “Help!” she screamed. “Help! I’m being held against my will!”

Arnold, who is just over 5 feet tall, was stunned, and hurried to open the door. Bachmann bolted out and fled, crying, to an SUV outside. Then she called the police, saying, according to the police report, that she was “absolutely terrified and has never been that terrorized before as she had no idea what those two women were going to do to her.” The Washington County attorney, however, declined to press charges, writing in a memo, “It seems clear from the statements given by both women that they simply wanted to discuss certain issues further with Ms. Bachmann.”

There is some sort of Frank Herbert-style intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day. [Daily Beast]

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        1. horsedreamer_1

          A Karl Rove for the Democrats would paint that as Michele's turn toward paedophilia. See also: Alabama Supreme Court election.

      1. DemmeFatale

        Fremen bitch!
        A thousand deaths are not enough…

        I hate myself (and my Dune loving husband) for knowing that.

    1. riverside68

      over induldging in Spice?

      Rot-row, another repuglican't drug abuser, and she certainly doesn't have a script for that shit.

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          I just silently watch (read?) your loverly posts in awe as your p-ness swells to unimaginable size…bravo Barbarella, BRAVO!

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Lesbian fight club. Same cast. Same director. But maybe replace Pitt with Phillip Seymour Hoffmann.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      I think she was attacked by Newt's sister. Or Cheney's daughter. Hard to tell with the lesbitarians 'cause they all look nothing alike.

  1. finallyhappy

    I sincerely doubt Crazy eyes has much of a mind left- much less one that could have a Frank Herbert anything taking place. DUNE!!!

  2. bumfug

    She was traumatized because the only other time she'd been eaten by a lesbian, she sorta liked it. God hadn't warned her about that part.

    1. riverside68

      It seems to me that her reaction was more like someone on the wagon after a nine-year "Lost Weekend" or some "Days of Wine and Roses."

      I think she knew exactly what would happen if she spent another minute in the bathroom, that couple would be the ones screaming for the police.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        The cross-over episode with a (revived) Homeboyz in Outer Space would happen, but already the Republicans in California-36 spoiled the ending.

    1. zhubajie

      So she takes it up the butt a lot? You'd think she'd realize that women know what women want!

  3. WhatTheHolyHeck

    The problem wasn't the gay; she's just violently allergic to unscripted questions.

    1. PsycWench

      when asked by a less than politically friendly questioner, yes. However on Fox News, she is fine with unscripted questions.

      Ha ha ha, that was a joke, there are no unscripted questions on Fox.

  4. MLHencken

    I don't think she had anything to be worried about. With no porno music playing or video camera present, her imagined outcome was highly unlikely.

    But at least we now know the origins of the Sharron Angle playbook.

    1. RoboGuppy

      The proper word is 'twat' as to not confuse her with Palin, who is a cunt.
      Thank you.

  5. Wilcoxyz

    Bachmann took a wide stance in the restroom. Clearly the wrong signal to send to a couple of lesbians.

  6. Barb

    I am the first neighborhood off the highway and the religious folks are always ringing my bell. Now that I know how to use the intercom system I just shout down that I am "sacrificing a goat and bathing in blood" and they don't hang around anymore.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Mostly, I don't answer, but when I do I am usually holding back the doxie and the doxie/chihuahua mix. Their barks and snarls render anything the religiousia say unintelligible. Most times I am scolding the dogs.

      "Stop growling and be a sweet doggie, Satan."
      "Why are you soooo rude, Hitler."
      "That is enough from you, Fetus."

      I throw the extra dog in even though it is not really there.

      1. Geminisunmars

        While I'm straining to hold my huge black dog back by his collar (keeping him from licking them to death – but they don't need to know that) I like to answer their tremulous question "Does he bite?" with "Bite? Oh, hardly ever."

    2. ChessieNefercat

      When I lived elsewhere, I found that telling Jehovah's Witnesses that I was Catholic and would they like to pray with me? would send them scuttering backwards down the steps, hissing and making signs to ward off the evil eye. Then I got bored again and just didn't bother answering the door while sitting in plain sight.

      Don't seem to get many Jehovah's or Mormons in the UP, I think they're outnumbered by Appies.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        My mother-in-law used to collect leaflets at her Catholic church on Sundays, and trade them for the missionaries' literature. They'd take the stuff and skedaddle without a word. They really are allergic to Catholicism for some reason.

        Then there's the highbrow approach:

    3. Negropolis

      If they are Protestant missionaries, just tell them you're Catholic. That usually seems to do the tick.

      If they're Mormons, well, I'm not sure how to avoid that one as their ridiculous naivite seems to innoculate them against feelings of fear or embarrassment.

  7. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Michelle:

    Once you go gay, it never goes away.



    PS, a little mauve-tinted eyeshadow should be able to detract from the whole crazy-eye thing you've got going on. Check your husband's medicine cabinet to see if you can skink some of his.

    1. Barb

      Do you really think any lesbian would ask Michelle to "eat at the Y?" I know that the men folk get twitchy down there when they think of her.

      1. Tommmcattt

        Must you bring up these terrifying images? I CAN HEAR IT IN MY MIND AS WELL!!!!!!

        It sounds like a rabid Yorkie eating a pot of mashed potatoes and gravy.

        1. mayor_quimby

          Kind of like a Rottweiler puppy getting real chicken and gravy for the first time, instead of that grain meal nibble shit?
          Enthusiastic, voracious, eating like there's no tomorrow.
          Goggies, awww. Bachie, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

      2. Rotundo_

        Sexing up crazy people? Not my cuppa tea, but there probably are some guys out there that want to play rodeo with her (mount from behind and whisper "I am Satan" in Michelles ear and then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds). Michelle gives off wayyy too much crazy energy to make me twitchy anywhere let alone down there.

  8. Poindexter718

    Obviously something happened to Rep. Bachmann in the ladies room at some point early in her life, something very very dark and painful.
    And it seems like it may have involved nuns.

    1. zhubajie

      She's a Lutheran and they can be ultra-kinky. Think of all those weird sex-clubs in Berlin!

  9. Pragmatist2

    She obviously confused them with George Michael. Gay… Lesbian… Nuns… so hard to tell them apart.

    1. weejee

      The 'largactil shuffle' she showed during the debates and the less than totally crazy answers compared to her previous bathroom I'M GOING CATCH THE GHEY episode might indicate she's on Thorazine.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Fifteen years ago, the world was a much different place. The Berlin wall had just crumbled. I thought I could handle cocaine. I really did. I lost everything.

      1. riverside68

        I had a client [redacted] who's Police report stated that after getting into the white powder "he lost all his material possessions, including his wife."

        All he had left was the check book to a closed checking account, a drivers licence, and a concealed weapon permit. Want to know how he spent his weekends? (When the bank was closed.)

  10. SayItWithWookies

    At Coburn, Bachmann studied with John Eidsmoe, who she recently described as "one of the professors who had a great influence on me." Bachmann served as his research assistant on the 1987 book Christianity and the Constitution, which argued that the United States was founded as a Christian theocracy, and that it should become one again. "The church and the state have separate spheres of authority, but both derive authority from God," Eidsmoe wrote. "In that sense America, like [Old Testament] Israel, is a theocracy."

    Oh, right — and the evidence of our theocratic heritage lies in the fact that the Consitution's date begins with "In the year of our Lord…" Our founding fathers were going to be more explicitly religious, but the Devil probably made them insert that awful First Amendment.

    1. harry_palmer

      That ability to "see beyond" the actual evidence is what landed him the powerhouse job at Harvard Law "Coburn" (wtf?)

    2. zhubajie

      Lutheran Two Swords Theology! Bad as Puritanism, but in a Teutonic way…. Echt deutsch!

      1. ChessieNefercat

        You know, in my SO's perfect world, all women want to do all the time (and so they do), is have bouncy pillow fights with other women wearing nothing but their little Fruit of the Loom white cotton bikini panties.

        Think about that the next time your lady says she is going to a "Tupperware party." Or " grocery shopping." Or "church." Or "anything."

        1. mumbly_joe

          I'm actually reasonably certain that "tupperware party" has predominantly meant "dildo party" for at least the past 40 years. Was I mistaken?

    1. PsycWench

      I did the eating a couple of times and I liked it. Not enough to make it a habit, though.

        1. Swampgas_Man

          And the hair gets stuck between your teeth.

          Nothing but Weiners for me from now on!

        1. PsycWench

          Does this count as sexting? Are the Wonketteers ineligible to be congresspeople now?

    2. zhubajie

      Please, please, write a Casanova-like memoir! 19 volumes, full of everything, including Eros! You genuinely have a way with words.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Oh Lizzie, you have! You just need someone to plumb the trembling, musky mystery of your IntenseDebate account and gently knead the rough passion of your posts with a probing yet supple editor's pen, polishing them to completion. You already have a gift for very cunning language.

          1. Limeylizzie

            You would be a leading character who would break our heroine's heart when you left France

  11. KeepFnThatChicken

    I would panic, too, if that was the first time I'd ever been confronted by the faceless, breeder-eating, poorly-dressed k. d. lang fans that I'd never ever seen before.

  12. KeepFnThatChicken

    Also, I'd like to imagine that — had they eaten her — she would have screamed in ecstasy.

    1. PsycWench

      I sense a porn film plot: The rabidly anti-gay congresswoman who is accidentally trapped with lesbians (maybe not in a bathroom) and finds that she has been fighting her true nature all these years.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Years ago, a friend of mine wrote porn for the homosexual market. Now, I can't attest that she actually wrote this or not, but she had us read a short story of her's where an eager young groom goes the clothing store for the final adjustment to his wedding tux. The tailor's assistant sees an opportunity and…

        Well, you can see where this is going.

  13. mumbly_joe

    “advanced stage lesbian cannibal robot brain invasion.”

    Well, judging from some of her other paranoias, it seems like she might be listening to security expert Bo Deitl, so she it's understandable that she'd be concerned that the Lesbionics will dildoize her. In other words,

    There is some sort of Frank Herbert-style intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day.

    Possibly, but I'm thinking more Philip K Dick.

      1. mumbly_joe

        It really boils down to whether we're talking about christian lesbian robots or psychic jesuit bisexuals, ultimately.

        1. poncho_pilot

          the apparent lack of planning in Bachmann's breeding style makes me think she's not a Bene Gesserit. a Reverend Mother would never allow that. you're never going to produce a Kwisatz Haderach that way.

      1. HistoriCat

        It's not that her husband doesn't care for her – he just works so hard. Working to cure the gay on those strapping young men with their muscular physiques. He just has no energy left to perform his marital duties when he gets home.

  14. Sue4466

    If she runs from middle aged lesbians, what will she do in dealing with Kim Jong-il once she's the pres?

    1. riverside68

      She will ditch her husband, 23 children, the USofA, move in with him and take over 23,000,000 children. It's a paradise, don't ya know?

    1. poncho_pilot

      "hey ladies. ask not what your president can do for you. ask what you can do for your president. ich bin in eine Lesberliner."

    2. Negropolis

      I don't know about JFK, but I know FDR said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself, so he would have handled it a helluva lot differently.

  15. sati_demise

    And this is still her favorite fantasy when her hubby makes her honor her wifely duties.

    the end.

    1. Beowoof

      Not to worry, I am sure he is not interested in wifely duties from her. Now Larry Craig different story.

  16. jjdaddyo

    Don't Michele and her husband have some kind of Magic Jeebus Ray that turns lesbians into Hott Sexxy Christian Sorority Girls, or something?

    1. riverside68

      You know what they say about the mind being the primary sex organ? Well their's are working overtime.

  17. Callyson

    they simply wanted to discuss certain issues further with Ms. Bachmann
    Well, no wonder Michele was terrified…a discussion of the issues? The horror…the horror!

  18. Billmatic

    My god, Bachmann ruined what would have been a perfectly sexy lesbian threeway bathroom scene! With a former nun, no less! I hate her more than ever now.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      And how could the former nun's friend not have been wearing a Catholic school girl uniform…

    1. mrblifil

      She may have been trying to see if her husband was in attendance. YouTube "Bachmann's husband" and you will soon know a lot about his relationship to gender politics.

    2. MutteringLoner

      And I hope some of the kids on the interwebs can dig some ah dem der up.
      Pix of Meesh crouching in the Bushes at the Capitol are out there.

  19. HempDogbane

    Go ahead and make fun. You people have obviously never been in a public restroom in Minnesota.

  20. ProgressiveInga

    I call bullshit! The tearoom trade is typical of teh gay boys but not of lesbos. Perhaps MB slipped into the wrong 'ladies' room?

  21. voodooeconomics

    "intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day"

    As a fundamental basis for a GOP candidate these qualities are essential. Just sub for 'this man's mind" in the sentence and you have a GOP candidate.

    In another note:
    Perhaps while washing her hands she moistened herself and had to get the hell out of there, lest her nipples perk up too.

  22. GOPCrusher

    I doubt that Michele "Batshyt Crazy" Bachmann was counting on the gay-lesbian vote to put her over the top.

  23. SorosBot

    Those lesbians trying to talk to her were just so scary, by being lesbians, that it was the same thing as being held against her will, just like those black guys standing near a voting location being black and all was just like voter intimidation. Hell, maybe Michele could have caught gay from them if she was with them any longer.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      If she hasn't caught the gay from the mister, then really, she has no worries. No wait, she wouldn't have caught it from the hubby, anyway, from what I've heard. Now I'm confused.

      Oh Michele, just lie back and enjoy it.

  24. rambone

    There is some sort of Frank Herbert-style intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day.

    If Ms. Bachmann had walked with rhythm she would have attracted the "worm" as opposed to the "fish lickers."

  25. DahBoner

    "Bachmann ended the meeting 20 minutes early and rushed to the bathroom. Hoping to speak to her, [Pamela] Arnold and another middle-aged woman, a former nun, followed her."

    Geez, I thought women actually enjoyed going to the bathroom together with other women????

  26. Beowoof

    She was probably worried that she would get more gay cooties, and she thought I get enough from my husband.

  27. jus_wonderin

    How did Bachmann come to believe she was confronted by lesbians? Were they carrying toasters???

    1. petehammer

      Is this just a free alley-oop? Am I the first one here? Okay, probably the "Bloomington Subaru" t-shirts they were wearing.

  28. MinAgain

    There's no indication that either of the women was armed, so, obviously, the nun was up to no good.

  29. bflrtsplk

    So Michelle Bachman was scared away by two lesbians. Keep that in mind for the presidential campaign.


    Blame her bad Spanish. She heard Pamela…Chupacabra, ChuPamela! That was too much.

  31. mumbly_joe

    This is exactly the sort of cool head we want in charge of the world's largest nuclear arsenal.

  32. plinkleton

    Gosh! She seems more presidential and less clinically insane all the time, doesn't she? You just keep working on it girl!

  33. PsycWench

    Two of my former students/current friends who are a female couple are spending the weekend with us. I'm not sure what drinking coffee on the deck and going for walks is called but I must be a braver woman than Bachmann.

  34. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Sounds like some one couldn't quite handle the urges that were brought out inside her. Want to bet she masturbated all night long reliving the encounter?

  35. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Kirsten, whatever sins you may commit here, know that for referencing Herbert, you will always be the love of my life!

  36. weejee

    Michele likely goes heavy for the Brazilian wax and has a hardwood floor while the bathroom interlopers were talking about carpet munching, which is oh, so 80s donchaknow.

  37. voodooeconomics

    "Mr Speaker, The MILF President of the United Sates. Michele Bachman mmmmm, yes yes yes"

  38. PalinPussyPower

    I'm not a lesbian, but like I've said about Bachmann, I'd hit that. I'm willing to make an exception for her. Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed. Something tells me she likes the taste of sushi.

  39. Mort_Sinclair

    What does it tell you about Minnesota's child services that they'd entrust something like 23 foster kids to the care of this gibbering banshee? HFS. Think of the trauma she has inflicted on those poor children.

  40. neiltheblaze

    To my lesbian sisters out there – be careful where and who you eat. That foxy looking morsel over there could be some lunatic like Michele Bachmann and she could flip out like a hysterical screech monkey right in the middle of the festivities.

    I bet Michele's husband does exactly the same thing in the men's room during wet jock night at the Ramrod.

  41. Swampgas_Man

    I soooo wish she had adopted this tactic in the debate the other night. Gawd knows, I felt like shouting "I'm being held against my will!" a couple times.

    1. LetUsBray

      Well then, I guess it's too bad for you that the Rethugs can't nominate a generic candidate, but instead will have to settle for one of their vast menagerie of idiots, lunatics, nonentities, and freak shows, isn't it, you hired-troll sack of rat shit?

    2. GOPCrusher

      Weren't these the same people that put up a poll that showed that McCain/Palin were leading Obama/Biden by five points the day before the election?
      I suppose we are going to have to put up with this bullshit for the next year and a half, and then listen for the four years after about how illegal aliens stole the election for Obama.

  42. mrblifil

    Talk to me and I'll call the cops on you and fuck up your day. Wait until people start asking about her gay husband. There won't be enough cops on the planet to apprehend those seeking to give her their attention.

  43. zhubajie

    A friend used to put a mezuza on his door post just for this reason. (He was in reality a Catholic fundamentalist, and weird as snakeshit, but entertaining.)

  44. MilwaukeeKent

    In other news, President Bachmann reportedly suffered another panic attack today when what turned out to be a White House gardener suddenly appeared in the shrubbery outside the window of a first floor reception area. More on this after the break.

  45. zhubajie

    These days, I repel missionaries disguised as English teachers away with Chinese door-god posters on my door. They're supposed to protect you from any kind of bad luck. Two burley men in full armor brandishing weapons — pretty cool! I am surprised they are not better known in the US.

  46. LetUsBray

    Oh gosh, what if the proverbial 3 AM phone call is from a lesbian? We'd all be doomed.

    I mean, even more so.

  47. glamourdammerung

    And this is why her not doing the normal full crazy is going to end up being hilarious since they are trying to call her a "serious" candidate now.

  48. DemonicRage

    One of the male candidates for the GOP nomination will tap her to run as VP candidate, and every day, somewhere, she will look into the camera lens and, with that rapturous look on her face, just like in the Republican candidate forum two days ago, she will intone the line, "Barak Obama will be a one-term President." We are going to have to listen to that every day for about 4 months. In front of some very inside Republican crowds, she will modify the line to read, "Barak Hussein Obama will be a one-term President." All the middle-aged and older white people in the audience in front of her will cheer when she says this, and every night it will be broadcast on the network news. Over and over again.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I fear I'm going to stab my eardrums with a barbecue skewer before this election season is half over.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      So, if we want to envision the future of the human race, we just have to imagine a boot-faced fundy stabbing a human ear forever?

    3. HistoriCat

      Your insight deserves an up-fist but the idea is so horrific that it deserves a down-fist. I'm splitting the difference and not fisting this comment at all.

      Great – I'll never get it out of my head now.

  49. Negropolis

    Michele, you can't run from gay. Well, you can try, but it'll always catch you. Mostly because the gays are more naturally athletic, with more fast-twitch muscle fibers. Or so that's what the 20th century psuedo-scientists tell me.

  50. Negropolis

    Just imagine, you guys, if Michele were to be glitter bombed. She seems to have Gay PTSD, and that inevitable nervous breakdown would make for some awesome television. Better yet, send in some giant drag queen, let's say Ru Paul, to politely question her at one of her campaign events and the reality show would write itself. We could totally make her go all Hamlet's Ophelia on us.

    Yes…yes…these gears in my head, they are always turning, they are…

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The drag-king revue I saw a few years back had a (probable) transsexual doing some country & western routine while done up like Dan Whitney Larry the Cable Guy. Send formerly her to ask the question, & MB won't know what to think.

    2. HistoriCat

      Ru Paul should do all the questioning of presidential candidates. Debates would be a hell of a lot better.

      1. Negropolis

        Hell, Ru Paul should run for president. She'd make a helluva lot more sense than the other Paul's (Ron and Rand and Ryan).

    3. Negropolis

      Ok, which one of you read this and went out and did this, today? Someone better fess up. lol

  51. LiveToServeYa

    Bachmann. Now there's a someone with her panties in a perpetual brunch … I mean 'bunch'.

  52. DustBowlBlues

    Mickey broadcasts her crazy right up front. Here in the Dust Bowl, where they're going to start spraying for Democrats, Republics are 'tards in the Mickey mode. So I have to be careful not to lapse into LibSpeak when I meet people who seem intelligent and normal. I know people who are way too smart to be that dumb.

  53. Rayn_And

    Oh…to have posessed the gift of nonreality based self awareness when I was single, which would have carried with it the belief that every woman who talked to me wanted to also have sex. then I could tell my friends, "See that babe over there? I can tell by the way she licks her lips that she wants me…bad."

  54. ColonelDoctor

    I've been eaten by scores of lesbians. Usually they buy me a drink first, though. Maybe that was the problem?

  55. OldWiseWizard

    This is made even more infuriatingly tragic when you think of Bachmann's role as the bikini booth babe to the car show of sadness that is the Tea Party. These tiny sweet lesbian nuns who had the tolerance and love in their heart to attempt to reason with these monster made Michelle her blow her rape whistle, but standing hip to hip with morbidly obese tea party patriots whose Obama as a nazi shirts barely covering their white power tattoos. Their fat sausage fingers slowly exploring the contours of her thigh. Her cold,jagged smile getting tighter by the second, she reminds herself she's doing god's work. Goddamnit, I just made myself feel sort of bad for Michelle Bachmann…I need a shower.

  56. emmelemm

    I love this thread, between the absolute insanity of the Bachmann and the Dune theme. I love you all REALLY HARD!

    It's been a tough week. I'm glad it's Friday.

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