CRAZY BATSHIT NONSENSE  5:03 pm June 16, 2011

Michele Bachmann Nearly Eaten By Lesbians In 2005

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

ASK ME A QUESTION RIGHT NOWOne of Michele Bachmann’s many “special talents” is that she is able to interpret an attempt at friendly discussion by some constituents as a traumatizing individual-size terrorist attack on her person. While running for state senate back in 2005, Bachmann met with voters to discuss various issues, including her opposition to gay marriage. After the talk, a lesbian couple who happened to be in attendance “wanted to discuss certain issues further,” which in Michele Bachmann’s mind sounded more like “advanced stage lesbian cannibal robot brain invasion.” So Michele did the normal thing for a politician to do when a voter asks her a question, and she ran away screaming.
The Daily Beast reports:

A few dozen people showed up at the town hall for the April 9 event, and Bachmann greeted them warmly. But when, during the question and answer session, the topic turned to gay marriage, Bachmann ended the meeting 20 minutes early and rushed to the bathroom. Hoping to speak to her, [Pamela] Arnold and another middle-aged woman, a former nun, followed her. As Bachmann washed her hands and Arnold looked on, the ex-nun tried to talk to her about theology. Suddenly, after less than a minute, Bachmann let out a shriek. “Help!” she screamed. “Help! I’m being held against my will!”

Arnold, who is just over 5 feet tall, was stunned, and hurried to open the door. Bachmann bolted out and fled, crying, to an SUV outside. Then she called the police, saying, according to the police report, that she was “absolutely terrified and has never been that terrorized before as she had no idea what those two women were going to do to her.” The Washington County attorney, however, declined to press charges, writing in a memo, “It seems clear from the statements given by both women that they simply wanted to discuss certain issues further with Ms. Bachmann.”

There is some sort of Frank Herbert-style intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day. [Daily Beast]

 
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{ 279 comments }

Madfall June 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

If she is indeed in Dune it explains the scarily blue eyes.
#nerdjoke

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm

"the proximity of a desirable thing tempts one to overindulgence."

Preferred Customer June 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

That explains the 23 foster children.

Nothingisamiss June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Especially if they were dipped in chocolate.

AJWjr. June 16, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Especially at $30 per diem each.

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 8:58 am

A Karl Rove for the Democrats would paint that as Michele's turn toward paedophilia. See also: Alabama Supreme Court election.

Madfall June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Bene gesserit witch!

TanzbodenKoenig June 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Michele Muad'Dib?

Madfall June 16, 2011 at 5:43 pm

She's more of a Harkonnen I feel, even though the alliteration is indeed pleasing.

BruceLee5000 June 16, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Her name alone, is a word of Ignorance.

Swampgas_Man June 16, 2011 at 8:05 pm

And then there's Muad!

#Nerdjoke-OldTVjoke

Walkinwiddaking June 16, 2011 at 5:43 pm

She must also recycle and drink her own urine. Mmmm…Michele Bachman urine.

Geminisunmars June 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Yay! More Tea Party tea.

DemmeFatale June 16, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Fremen bitch!
A thousand deaths are not enough…

I hate myself (and my Dune loving husband) for knowing that.

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm

over induldging in Spice?

Rot-row, another repuglican't drug abuser, and she certainly doesn't have a script for that shit.

Madfall June 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Clearly she takes enough to solidify her reputation as a seer.

CapeClod June 16, 2011 at 6:28 pm

She must undergo the trial of abomination. Gather the Naibs!

MaxUdargo June 16, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Fear is the mind-killer.

And this mind done been done in.

trondant June 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm

"The Stupid must flow."

Barb June 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Bachmann isn't cool enough to be a vagatarian.

ProgressiveInga June 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

True dat. Lezzie is the new black.

Barb June 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Or the new pink?

Dashboard_Jesus June 17, 2011 at 2:41 am

I just silently watch (read?) your loverly posts in awe as your p-ness swells to unimaginable size…bravo Barbarella, BRAVO!

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

That must be why there is an epidemic of male bloggers pretending to be lesbians:
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=44167

I'm shopping a movie treatment right now about a male blogger who gets a show on a cable news channel by pretending to be a lesbian. I'm seeing Ed Norton as the lead.

SorosBot June 16, 2011 at 5:35 pm

The blog is now the chatroom of 1998?

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Or the Party Line of 1967?

horsedreamer_1 June 16, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Lesbian fight club. Same cast. Same director. But maybe replace Pitt with Phillip Seymour Hoffmann.

Bezoar June 16, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Tootsie II

HistoriCat June 16, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Maybe they're just lesbians trapped in men's bodies.

V572 [SSAN] June 17, 2011 at 1:18 am

And we all know how that feels every time we think about, say, Portia Di Rossi.

nounverb911 June 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Bachmannn was attacked by her sister?

ProgressiveInga June 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

I think she was attacked by Newt's sister. Or Cheney's daughter. Hard to tell with the lesbitarians 'cause they all look nothing alike.

finallyhappy June 16, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I sincerely doubt Crazy eyes has much of a mind left- much less one that could have a Frank Herbert anything taking place. DUNE!!!

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm

I read that as DUNCE!!!

bumfug June 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

She was traumatized because the only other time she'd been eaten by a lesbian, she sorta liked it. God hadn't warned her about that part.

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm

It seems to me that her reaction was more like someone on the wagon after a nine-year "Lost Weekend" or some "Days of Wine and Roses."

I think she knew exactly what would happen if she spent another minute in the bathroom, that couple would be the ones screaming for the police.

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Lesbian Nuns…IN SPACE!

techmom June 16, 2011 at 8:52 pm

starring Sally Field as the flying lesbian nun

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 9:00 am

The cross-over episode with a (revived) Homeboyz in Outer Space would happen, but already the Republicans in California-36 spoiled the ending.

pukebot June 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

what's her problem, her husband is gay.

nounverb911 June 16, 2011 at 5:12 pm

So is her lesbian step sister.

Nothingisamiss June 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

let's have a linky so we can read up. Anyone?

nounverb911 June 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Chillwaver June 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm

And 15 of her 23 kids, probably.

Radiotherapy June 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Yes.

AJWjr. June 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I'm sure she turned him that way.

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:22 pm

So she takes it up the butt a lot? You'd think she'd realize that women know what women want!

WhatTheHolyHeck June 16, 2011 at 5:08 pm

The problem wasn't the gay; she's just violently allergic to unscripted questions.

PsycWench June 16, 2011 at 6:06 pm

when asked by a less than politically friendly questioner, yes. However on Fox News, she is fine with unscripted questions.

Ha ha ha, that was a joke, there are no unscripted questions on Fox.

horsedreamer_1 June 16, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Keep those in the free speech cages zones.

WABishop June 17, 2011 at 9:27 am

I sometimes feel like I'm being held against my will in certain conversations.

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I'm the same way. Especially when the boss asks me about my flair.

MLHencken June 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

I don't think she had anything to be worried about. With no porno music playing or video camera present, her imagined outcome was highly unlikely.

But at least we now know the origins of the Sharron Angle playbook.

weejee June 16, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Sister Caligula gave her a tongue-lashing?

OkieDokieDog June 16, 2011 at 5:11 pm

She's a cunt that no self-respecting lesbo would ever munch on.

RoboGuppy June 17, 2011 at 8:59 am

The proper word is 'twat' as to not confuse her with Palin, who is a cunt.
Thank you.

DashboardBuddha June 17, 2011 at 9:15 am

There must be some from the Island of Lesbos who enjoy a challenge.

Wilcoxyz June 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Bachmann took a wide stance in the restroom. Clearly the wrong signal to send to a couple of lesbians.

Barb June 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I am the first neighborhood off the highway and the religious folks are always ringing my bell. Now that I know how to use the intercom system I just shout down that I am "sacrificing a goat and bathing in blood" and they don't hang around anymore.

MLHencken June 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Did you paint yourself blue first? And don't forget the reading of the entrails.

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Mostly, I don't answer, but when I do I am usually holding back the doxie and the doxie/chihuahua mix. Their barks and snarls render anything the religiousia say unintelligible. Most times I am scolding the dogs.

"Stop growling and be a sweet doggie, Satan."
"Why are you soooo rude, Hitler."
"That is enough from you, Fetus."

I throw the extra dog in even though it is not really there.

Trollina Dumbass June 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Lil' Fetus is playing in his jar, I'm sure.

Geminisunmars June 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

While I'm straining to hold my huge black dog back by his collar (keeping him from licking them to death – but they don't need to know that) I like to answer their tremulous question "Does he bite?" with "Bite? Oh, hardly ever."

BarryOPotter June 17, 2011 at 11:46 am

Does he bite?

"Do you see teeth? Then 1+1 that shit…"

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Does your dog bite?
This is not my dog.

emmelemm June 17, 2011 at 1:21 pm

"He only bites true believers."

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2011 at 6:45 pm

When I lived elsewhere, I found that telling Jehovah's Witnesses that I was Catholic and would they like to pray with me? would send them scuttering backwards down the steps, hissing and making signs to ward off the evil eye. Then I got bored again and just didn't bother answering the door while sitting in plain sight.

Don't seem to get many Jehovah's or Mormons in the UP, I think they're outnumbered by Appies.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

My mother-in-law used to collect leaflets at her Catholic church on Sundays, and trade them for the missionaries' literature. They'd take the stuff and skedaddle without a word. They really are allergic to Catholicism for some reason.

Then there's the highbrow approach: http://www.cartoonbank.com/invt/128901

trampndirtdown June 16, 2011 at 9:24 pm

You need to publish a book of transcripts from your intercom.

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 10:39 pm

If they are Protestant missionaries, just tell them you're Catholic. That usually seems to do the tick.

If they're Mormons, well, I'm not sure how to avoid that one as their ridiculous naivite seems to innoculate them against feelings of fear or embarrassment.

SarcasticNymph June 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Ha, these groups must send their noobs to your place, for the laffs.

smokefilledroommate June 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

She reminds me of Penny Pingleton's mother in Hairspray.

nounverb911 June 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Needs more ketchup.

elviouslyqueer June 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Dear Michelle:

Once you go gay, it never goes away.

Hugs,

EQ

PS, a little mauve-tinted eyeshadow should be able to detract from the whole crazy-eye thing you've got going on. Check your husband's medicine cabinet to see if you can skink some of his.

Barb June 16, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Do you really think any lesbian would ask Michelle to "eat at the Y?" I know that the men folk get twitchy down there when they think of her.

Tommmcattt June 16, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Must you bring up these terrifying images? I CAN HEAR IT IN MY MIND AS WELL!!!!!!

It sounds like a rabid Yorkie eating a pot of mashed potatoes and gravy.

CalamityJames June 16, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Oh god, I know that sound and now it burns.

mayor_quimby June 17, 2011 at 1:22 am

Kind of like a Rottweiler puppy getting real chicken and gravy for the first time, instead of that grain meal nibble shit?
Enthusiastic, voracious, eating like there's no tomorrow.
Goggies, awww. Bachie, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Rotundo_ June 16, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Sexing up crazy people? Not my cuppa tea, but there probably are some guys out there that want to play rodeo with her (mount from behind and whisper "I am Satan" in Michelles ear and then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds). Michelle gives off wayyy too much crazy energy to make me twitchy anywhere let alone down there.

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Any man who "twitches" to Bachmann needs recalibrating by a professional.

DaSandman June 16, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Help a cohort with his colors…is mauve like blue?

poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

the spice must flow!!!

MLHencken June 16, 2011 at 5:22 pm

As long as it is not Bible Spice!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Apparently Bachmann started to flow.

Poindexter718 June 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Obviously something happened to Rep. Bachmann in the ladies room at some point early in her life, something very very dark and painful.
And it seems like it may have involved nuns.

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:33 pm

She's a Lutheran and they can be ultra-kinky. Think of all those weird sex-clubs in Berlin!

FlownOver June 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Oh, I don't know… was the "former nun" a Bene Gesserit?

poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:18 pm

The Voice versus The Eyes.

Pragmatist2 June 16, 2011 at 5:15 pm

She obviously confused them with George Michael. Gay… Lesbian… Nuns… so hard to tell them apart.

mormos June 16, 2011 at 5:16 pm

cocaine is a hell of a drug

weejee June 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

The 'largactil shuffle' she showed during the debates and the less than totally crazy answers compared to her previous bathroom I'M GOING CATCH THE GHEY episode might indicate she's on Thorazine.

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm

23 foster children would be another indicator

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 16, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Fifteen years ago, the world was a much different place. The Berlin wall had just crumbled. I thought I could handle cocaine. I really did. I lost everything.

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I had a client [redacted] who's Police report stated that after getting into the white powder "he lost all his material possessions, including his wife."

All he had left was the check book to a closed checking account, a drivers licence, and a concealed weapon permit. Want to know how he spent his weekends? (When the bank was closed.)

poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Dune would probably freak her out–the names are a little too Muslin-sounding.

finallyhappy June 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

And way too long for her to read.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 16, 2011 at 6:19 pm

And there is science involved.

Angry_Marmot June 16, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Wait 'til she gets to the part with the worm.

DemmeFatale June 17, 2011 at 1:35 am

There's a little Hebrew in there with the Arabic also.
Ewww!
So semitic!

PeaceWithHonor June 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

She fears issues. Except, of course, her own.

SayItWithWookies June 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

At Coburn, Bachmann studied with John Eidsmoe, who she recently described as "one of the professors who had a great influence on me." Bachmann served as his research assistant on the 1987 book Christianity and the Constitution, which argued that the United States was founded as a Christian theocracy, and that it should become one again. "The church and the state have separate spheres of authority, but both derive authority from God," Eidsmoe wrote. "In that sense America, like [Old Testament] Israel, is a theocracy."

Oh, right — and the evidence of our theocratic heritage lies in the fact that the Consitution's date begins with "In the year of our Lord…" Our founding fathers were going to be more explicitly religious, but the Devil probably made them insert that awful First Amendment.

harry_palmer June 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

That ability to "see beyond" the actual evidence is what landed him the powerhouse job at Harvard Law "Coburn" (wtf?)

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Lutheran Two Swords Theology! Bad as Puritanism, but in a Teutonic way…. Echt deutsch!

Limeylizzie June 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

I was nearly eaten by a lesbian once…

SexySmurf June 16, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Go on…

Callyson June 16, 2011 at 5:32 pm

And? Come on, I've got to know…

Barb June 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

*perk* Details, please. 8X10 JPEGs to my e-mail addy.

bagofmice June 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

You DO realize that jpegs are measured in pixels…

DahBoner June 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Was that before or after the pillow fight in your underwears?

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

You know, in my SO's perfect world, all women want to do all the time (and so they do), is have bouncy pillow fights with other women wearing nothing but their little Fruit of the Loom white cotton bikini panties.

Think about that the next time your lady says she is going to a "Tupperware party." Or " grocery shopping." Or "church." Or "anything."

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2011 at 7:01 pm

You can make anything sound nasty just by adding "in church" at the end.

horsedreamer_1 June 16, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Moreso than the fortune cookie default suffix 'in bed'?

mumbly_joe June 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm

I'm actually reasonably certain that "tupperware party" has predominantly meant "dildo party" for at least the past 40 years. Was I mistaken?

DashboardBuddha June 17, 2011 at 9:17 am

No pillows, but really, who cares?

harry_palmer June 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Pics or it didn't happen.

Chillwaver June 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

"I was nearly eaten by a lesbian once… "

– Letter to the Editor, Penthouse Magazine, May 2005.

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Were you teasing her also?

MozakiBlocks June 16, 2011 at 5:58 pm

And?

Barb June 16, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Lizzie, come back! Were these Nazi bondage lesbians?

Limeylizzie June 16, 2011 at 6:19 pm

No, but that is a recurring dream of mine.

Tommmcattt June 16, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Straight people are weird.

PsycWench June 16, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I did the eating a couple of times and I liked it. Not enough to make it a habit, though.

anniegetyerfun June 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm

It's a LOT of work.

samsuncle June 16, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Hard work is its own reward.

Swampgas_Man June 16, 2011 at 8:12 pm

And the hair gets stuck between your teeth.

Nothing but Weiners for me from now on!

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 9:50 pm

no pain no gain

huh, what are we talking about?

Limeylizzie June 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I couldn't go for the eating, but I was fine with the heavy petting.

Radiotherapy June 16, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Word is you've got nice cupcakes too.

PsycWench June 17, 2011 at 7:52 am

Does this count as sexting? Are the Wonketteers ineligible to be congresspeople now?

HistoriCat June 17, 2011 at 10:25 am

It's OK – Jesus has forgiven us.

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Are you Katy Perry?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 16, 2011 at 6:20 pm

But did you end up screaming like Bachmann?

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Please, please, write a Casanova-like memoir! 19 volumes, full of everything, including Eros! You genuinely have a way with words.

Limeylizzie June 16, 2011 at 10:41 pm

I would love to write an erotic and exciting WW2 yarn.Sent from my iPod

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2011 at 9:56 am

Oh Lizzie, you have! You just need someone to plumb the trembling, musky mystery of your IntenseDebate account and gently knead the rough passion of your posts with a probing yet supple editor's pen, polishing them to completion. You already have a gift for very cunning language.

Limeylizzie June 17, 2011 at 10:56 am

You would be a leading character who would break our heroine's heart when you left France

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 10:50 pm

I think we just found the title for Peggy Noonan's memoir.

Limeylizzie June 16, 2011 at 10:54 pm

PerfectSent from my iPod

ArmoredBore June 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Sorry, Michele. I like my version of lesbians better than your scary cannibalistic ones.

Doktor Zoom June 16, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS!

donner_froh June 16, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Now that is the kind of cool rationality the country needs in charge of its nuclear arsenal.

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2011 at 6:59 pm

SCREEEETCH!!! WILD LESBIANS!!! GIT 'EM!!!

That kind of cool rationality?

KeepFnThatChicken June 16, 2011 at 5:23 pm

I would panic, too, if that was the first time I'd ever been confronted by the faceless, breeder-eating, poorly-dressed k. d. lang fans that I'd never ever seen before.

KeepFnThatChicken June 16, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Also, I'd like to imagine that — had they eaten her — she would have screamed in ecstasy.

PsycWench June 17, 2011 at 7:54 am

I sense a porn film plot: The rabidly anti-gay congresswoman who is accidentally trapped with lesbians (maybe not in a bathroom) and finds that she has been fighting her true nature all these years.

KeepFnThatChicken June 17, 2011 at 9:07 am

Yes! Yes! That's exactly as I fantasized envisioned.

DashboardBuddha June 17, 2011 at 9:13 am

Years ago, a friend of mine wrote porn for the homosexual market. Now, I can't attest that she actually wrote this or not, but she had us read a short story of her's where an eager young groom goes the clothing store for the final adjustment to his wedding tux. The tailor's assistant sees an opportunity and…

Well, you can see where this is going.

jonzin June 17, 2011 at 10:34 am

There are plots in pornos?

mumbly_joe June 16, 2011 at 5:26 pm

“advanced stage lesbian cannibal robot brain invasion.”

Well, judging from some of her other paranoias, it seems like she might be listening to security expert Bo Deitl, so she it's understandable that she'd be concerned that the Lesbionics will dildoize her. In other words,

There is some sort of Frank Herbert-style intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day.

Possibly, but I'm thinking more Philip K Dick.

poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

i could see Bachmann as a replicant.

mumbly_joe June 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

It really boils down to whether we're talking about christian lesbian robots or psychic jesuit bisexuals, ultimately.

poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:35 pm

the apparent lack of planning in Bachmann's breeding style makes me think she's not a Bene Gesserit. a Reverend Mother would never allow that. you're never going to produce a Kwisatz Haderach that way.

ArmoredBore June 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

…that would explain SO FUCKING MUCH. I better dust off my VK machine!

C_R_Eature June 16, 2011 at 9:32 pm

"Do Paranoids Dream of Electric Teat?"

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Maybe not enough Dick is one of her problems?

HistoriCat June 16, 2011 at 11:27 pm

It's not that her husband doesn't care for her – he just works so hard. Working to cure the gay on those strapping young men with their muscular physiques. He just has no energy left to perform his marital duties when he gets home.

DaSandman June 16, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Methinks she doth protest too much…

Sue4466 June 16, 2011 at 5:26 pm

If she runs from middle aged lesbians, what will she do in dealing with Kim Jong-il once she's the pres?

CrunchyKnee June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Get pointers?

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm

He's a middle-aged lesbian? That explains a lot.

SorosBot June 16, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Well he was played by one on TV; specifically Margaret Cho on 30 Rock.

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm

She will ditch her husband, 23 children, the USofA, move in with him and take over 23,000,000 children. It's a paradise, don't ya know?

metamarcisf June 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Funny? Maybe. But would JFK have handled it any differently?

poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:37 pm

"hey ladies. ask not what your president can do for you. ask what you can do for your president. ich bin in eine Lesberliner."

Chet Kincaid June 16, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Yes, he "handled it" quite a bit, in fact!

LetUsBray June 16, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I rather imagine he'd have viewed it as a challenge, one to be faced with vigor.

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I don't know about JFK, but I know FDR said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself, so he would have handled it a helluva lot differently.

sati_demise June 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

And this is still her favorite fantasy when her hubby makes her honor her wifely duties.

the end.

Beowoof June 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Not to worry, I am sure he is not interested in wifely duties from her. Now Larry Craig different story.

DaSandman June 16, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Have you seen hubby? He is way deep in the wardrobe…

Chillwaver June 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Michele has been fighting those lesbian inner demons for years now. How else do you explain the 23 kids, the wingnuttery, etc?

widestanceroman June 16, 2011 at 5:29 pm

So unusual, this feeling of love. . .

jjdaddyo June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Don't Michele and her husband have some kind of Magic Jeebus Ray that turns lesbians into Hott Sexxy Christian Sorority Girls, or something?

riverside68 June 16, 2011 at 6:03 pm

You know what they say about the mind being the primary sex organ? Well their's are working overtime.

Callyson June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

they simply wanted to discuss certain issues further with Ms. Bachmann
Well, no wonder Michele was terrified…a discussion of the issues? The horror…the horror!

Billmatic June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

My god, Bachmann ruined what would have been a perfectly sexy lesbian threeway bathroom scene! With a former nun, no less! I hate her more than ever now.

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

And how could the former nun's friend not have been wearing a Catholic school girl uniform…

deanbooth June 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Being gay isn't a choice, it's a habit.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

She has also been known to hide in bushes so she can spy on gay rallys at the capitol.
She's not right in the head.

mrblifil June 16, 2011 at 8:48 pm

She may have been trying to see if her husband was in attendance. YouTube "Bachmann's husband" and you will soon know a lot about his relationship to gender politics.

MutteringLoner June 16, 2011 at 9:03 pm

And I hope some of the kids on the interwebs can dig some ah dem der up.
Pix of Meesh crouching in the Bushes at the Capitol are out there.

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Is "known to hide in the bushes" some kind of double entendre?

Monsieur_Grumpe June 17, 2011 at 8:50 am

It is now.

HempDogbane June 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Go ahead and make fun. You people have obviously never been in a public restroom in Minnesota.

petehammer June 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Larry Craig… is that you?

Your probation says NO COMPUTER USE!

ProgressiveInga June 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I call bullshit! The tearoom trade is typical of teh gay boys but not of lesbos. Perhaps MB slipped into the wrong 'ladies' room?

voodooeconomics June 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

"intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day"

As a fundamental basis for a GOP candidate these qualities are essential. Just sub for 'this man's mind" in the sentence and you have a GOP candidate.

In another note:
Perhaps while washing her hands she moistened herself and had to get the hell out of there, lest her nipples perk up too.

GOPCrusher June 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I doubt that Michele "Batshyt Crazy" Bachmann was counting on the gay-lesbian vote to put her over the top.

ProgressiveInga June 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

So you're saying she's a bottom? Who knew?

SorosBot June 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Those lesbians trying to talk to her were just so scary, by being lesbians, that it was the same thing as being held against her will, just like those black guys standing near a voting location being black and all was just like voter intimidation. Hell, maybe Michele could have caught gay from them if she was with them any longer.

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2011 at 7:04 pm

If she hasn't caught the gay from the mister, then really, she has no worries. No wait, she wouldn't have caught it from the hubby, anyway, from what I've heard. Now I'm confused.

Oh Michele, just lie back and enjoy it.

C_R_Eature June 16, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Michelle was afraid that she was going to get Snatched.

mayor_quimby June 17, 2011 at 1:26 am

'Just keep your dog from dribblin' on my seat(s)'

rambone June 16, 2011 at 5:35 pm

There is some sort of Frank Herbert-style intergalactic epic taking place in this woman’s mind every second of the day.

If Ms. Bachmann had walked with rhythm she would have attracted the "worm" as opposed to the "fish lickers."

poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:44 pm

and possibly all these feti in jars we hear about are actually Guild Navigators.

DahBoner June 16, 2011 at 5:37 pm

"Bachmann ended the meeting 20 minutes early and rushed to the bathroom. Hoping to speak to her, [Pamela] Arnold and another middle-aged woman, a former nun, followed her."

Geez, I thought women actually enjoyed going to the bathroom together with other women????

Beowoof June 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

She was probably worried that she would get more gay cooties, and she thought I get enough from my husband.

DahBoner June 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Old dykes with pianos don't scare me!!!

genxr June 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

She probably heard public restroom stories from Larry Craig.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 16, 2011 at 5:41 pm

One of Michele Bachmann’s many “special talents”

Those are Super Powers, Kirsten.

The teabag party will not have you messing with their comic fantasies.

Central to the point on my head.
~

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

How did Bachmann come to believe she was confronted by lesbians? Were they carrying toasters???

petehammer June 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Is this just a free alley-oop? Am I the first one here? Okay, probably the "Bloomington Subaru" t-shirts they were wearing.

ChessieNefercat June 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Oh shoot, I was going to say they were driving Subarus.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 16, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Sensible shoes.

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Wearing Doc Martens and flannel shirts?

jjdaddyo June 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm
poncho_pilot June 16, 2011 at 5:53 pm

House Atreides? more like House O' Crazies.

MinAgain June 16, 2011 at 5:54 pm

There's no indication that either of the women was armed, so, obviously, the nun was up to no good.

bflrtsplk June 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

So Michelle Bachman was scared away by two lesbians. Keep that in mind for the presidential campaign.

BTWBFDIMHO June 16, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Blame her bad Spanish. She heard Pamela…Chupacabra, ChuPamela! That was too much.

mumbly_joe June 16, 2011 at 6:00 pm

This is exactly the sort of cool head we want in charge of the world's largest nuclear arsenal.

plinkleton June 16, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Gosh! She seems more presidential and less clinically insane all the time, doesn't she? You just keep working on it girl!

PsycWench June 16, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Two of my former students/current friends who are a female couple are spending the weekend with us. I'm not sure what drinking coffee on the deck and going for walks is called but I must be a braver woman than Bachmann.

Trollina Dumbass June 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm

If it's anything like this, I say celebrate the moments of your life! http://youtu.be/mcMpJlYynBw

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 16, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Sounds like some one couldn't quite handle the urges that were brought out inside her. Want to bet she masturbated all night long reliving the encounter?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 16, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Kirsten, whatever sins you may commit here, know that for referencing Herbert, you will always be the love of my life!

simplyblue7 June 16, 2011 at 6:46 pm

No point in running from Lesbians…they run just as fast.

weejee June 16, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Michele likely goes heavy for the Brazilian wax and has a hardwood floor while the bathroom interlopers were talking about carpet munching, which is oh, so 80s donchaknow.

Steverino247 June 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Brilliant!

voodooeconomics June 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm

"Mr Speaker, The MILF President of the United Sates. Michele Bachman mmmmm, yes yes yes"

PalinPussyPower June 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I'm not a lesbian, but like I've said about Bachmann, I'd hit that. I'm willing to make an exception for her. Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed. Something tells me she likes the taste of sushi.

voodooeconomics June 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm

now there is a thought.she does have a wild eyed thingy about her

Steverino247 June 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Perhaps the lesbians wanted to show her their gom jibbar?

ifthethunderdontgetya June 16, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Ahem.

I'm sure you are familiar with the phrase, "pics, or it didn't happen!"

It's not that I doubt this incident, it's just that I speak for all when I say, show us the Holy Water.
~

Mort_Sinclair June 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm

What does it tell you about Minnesota's child services that they'd entrust something like 23 foster kids to the care of this gibbering banshee? HFS. Think of the trauma she has inflicted on those poor children.

joobajooba June 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Yeah, I saw that movie. The first 15 minutes anyway.

Beetagger June 16, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I hope she gave them a severe tongue lashing.

neiltheblaze June 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

To my lesbian sisters out there – be careful where and who you eat. That foxy looking morsel over there could be some lunatic like Michele Bachmann and she could flip out like a hysterical screech monkey right in the middle of the festivities.

I bet Michele's husband does exactly the same thing in the men's room during wet jock night at the Ramrod.

ttommyunger June 16, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Seriously? A Bowling Ball is more edible than Bachmann.

AlaskaGrrl June 16, 2011 at 8:13 pm

She was thinking "Didn't something like this happen to that nice Larry Craig?"

Swampgas_Man June 16, 2011 at 8:16 pm

I soooo wish she had adopted this tactic in the debate the other night. Gawd knows, I felt like shouting "I'm being held against my will!" a couple times.

Noman June 16, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Obama loses to a generic Republican.

http://www.gallup.com/poll/148076/2012-Voter-Pref

LetUsBray June 16, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Well then, I guess it's too bad for you that the Rethugs can't nominate a generic candidate, but instead will have to settle for one of their vast menagerie of idiots, lunatics, nonentities, and freak shows, isn't it, you hired-troll sack of rat shit?

fuflans June 17, 2011 at 12:20 am

good god it's the silly season.

also, it's gallup.

DemmeFatale June 17, 2011 at 1:49 am

Well then, Obama is a shoe-in.

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Weren't these the same people that put up a poll that showed that McCain/Palin were leading Obama/Biden by five points the day before the election?
I suppose we are going to have to put up with this bullshit for the next year and a half, and then listen for the four years after about how illegal aliens stole the election for Obama.

mrblifil June 16, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Talk to me and I'll call the cops on you and fuck up your day. Wait until people start asking about her gay husband. There won't be enough cops on the planet to apprehend those seeking to give her their attention.

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Maybe she was afraid of an ex-nun? B. IS a Lutheran fundamentalist, after all.

C_R_Eature June 16, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Maybe they were Lezbyterians?

They were trying to Convert her!

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:24 pm

A friend used to put a mezuza on his door post just for this reason. (He was in reality a Catholic fundamentalist, and weird as snakeshit, but entertaining.)

MilwaukeeKent June 16, 2011 at 9:29 pm

In other news, President Bachmann reportedly suffered another panic attack today when what turned out to be a White House gardener suddenly appeared in the shrubbery outside the window of a first floor reception area. More on this after the break.

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 9:31 pm

These days, I repel missionaries disguised as English teachers away with Chinese door-god posters on my door. They're supposed to protect you from any kind of bad luck. Two burley men in full armor brandishing weapons — pretty cool! I am surprised they are not better known in the US.

trampndirtdown June 16, 2011 at 9:34 pm

That's ok Chessie, I don't think she has read "that one" either.

C_R_Eature June 16, 2011 at 9:40 pm

They were on their way back from a Dog Show.

LetUsBray June 16, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Oh gosh, what if the proverbial 3 AM phone call is from a lesbian? We'd all be doomed.

I mean, even more so.

C_R_Eature June 16, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Those Subaru Foresters sure do get around!

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Bitch be trippin', yo. I mean, I know that's an obvious observation, but wow.

glamourdammerung June 16, 2011 at 10:32 pm

And this is why her not doing the normal full crazy is going to end up being hilarious since they are trying to call her a "serious" candidate now.

DemonicRage June 16, 2011 at 10:39 pm

One of the male candidates for the GOP nomination will tap her to run as VP candidate, and every day, somewhere, she will look into the camera lens and, with that rapturous look on her face, just like in the Republican candidate forum two days ago, she will intone the line, "Barak Obama will be a one-term President." We are going to have to listen to that every day for about 4 months. In front of some very inside Republican crowds, she will modify the line to read, "Barak Hussein Obama will be a one-term President." All the middle-aged and older white people in the audience in front of her will cheer when she says this, and every night it will be broadcast on the network news. Over and over again.

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2011 at 3:26 am

I fear I'm going to stab my eardrums with a barbecue skewer before this election season is half over.

DashboardBuddha June 17, 2011 at 9:20 am

So, if we want to envision the future of the human race, we just have to imagine a boot-faced fundy stabbing a human ear forever?

HistoriCat June 17, 2011 at 10:35 am

Your insight deserves an up-fist but the idea is so horrific that it deserves a down-fist. I'm splitting the difference and not fisting this comment at all.

Great – I'll never get it out of my head now.

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Michele, you can't run from gay. Well, you can try, but it'll always catch you. Mostly because the gays are more naturally athletic, with more fast-twitch muscle fibers. Or so that's what the 20th century psuedo-scientists tell me.

fuflans June 17, 2011 at 12:31 am

this is like 'the sound of music' only with fewer austrians.

and more nazis.

Gopherit June 17, 2011 at 1:19 am

Your first orgasm can be traumatic.

DerrickWildcat June 17, 2011 at 2:41 am

What's the deal with that Lady?

FlipOffResearch June 17, 2011 at 2:52 am

Is Bachmann in such denial that she doesn't realize her own husband is gay? Maybe that is why she fears the gays so much.

Negropolis June 17, 2011 at 6:21 am

Just imagine, you guys, if Michele were to be glitter bombed. She seems to have Gay PTSD, and that inevitable nervous breakdown would make for some awesome television. Better yet, send in some giant drag queen, let's say Ru Paul, to politely question her at one of her campaign events and the reality show would write itself. We could totally make her go all Hamlet's Ophelia on us.

Yes…yes…these gears in my head, they are always turning, they are…

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 9:07 am

The drag-king revue I saw a few years back had a (probable) transsexual doing some country & western routine while done up like Dan Whitney Larry the Cable Guy. Send formerly her to ask the question, & MB won't know what to think.

HistoriCat June 17, 2011 at 10:37 am

Ru Paul should do all the questioning of presidential candidates. Debates would be a hell of a lot better.

Negropolis June 17, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Hell, Ru Paul should run for president. She'd make a helluva lot more sense than the other Paul's (Ron and Rand and Ryan).

Negropolis June 18, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Ok, which one of you read this and went out and did this, today? Someone better fess up. lol

lochnessmonster June 17, 2011 at 6:42 am

Me think she doth protest too much or something…

MrFizzy June 17, 2011 at 8:09 am

Can you imagine the shit you'd take the next day if you ate Michele Bachmann?

LiveToServeYa June 17, 2011 at 8:40 am

Bachmann. Now there's a someone with her panties in a perpetual brunch … I mean 'bunch'.

DustBowlBlues June 17, 2011 at 9:05 am

Mickey broadcasts her crazy right up front. Here in the Dust Bowl, where they're going to start spraying for Democrats, Republics are 'tards in the Mickey mode. So I have to be careful not to lapse into LibSpeak when I meet people who seem intelligent and normal. I know people who are way too smart to be that dumb.

Rayn_And June 17, 2011 at 9:17 am

Oh…to have posessed the gift of nonreality based self awareness when I was single, which would have carried with it the belief that every woman who talked to me wanted to also have sex. then I could tell my friends, "See that babe over there? I can tell by the way she licks her lips that she wants me…bad."

ColonelDoctor June 17, 2011 at 9:27 am

I've been eaten by scores of lesbians. Usually they buy me a drink first, though. Maybe that was the problem?

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2011 at 9:33 am

She IS the Ersatz Razzmatazz!!

DashboardBuddha June 17, 2011 at 9:39 am

Nice

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2011 at 10:30 am

Ha, been using that one ever since the Lynch Dune came out in the 80s.

Jerri June 17, 2011 at 10:07 am

Bachmann Terror Overdrive.

DahBoner June 17, 2011 at 10:54 am

Did Bachman ask the nun in the can if she could spare a square?

OldWiseWizard June 17, 2011 at 11:06 am

This is made even more infuriatingly tragic when you think of Bachmann's role as the bikini booth babe to the car show of sadness that is the Tea Party. These tiny sweet lesbian nuns who had the tolerance and love in their heart to attempt to reason with these monster made Michelle her blow her rape whistle, but standing hip to hip with morbidly obese tea party patriots whose Obama as a nazi shirts barely covering their white power tattoos. Their fat sausage fingers slowly exploring the contours of her thigh. Her cold,jagged smile getting tighter by the second, she reminds herself she's doing god's work. Goddamnit, I just made myself feel sort of bad for Michelle Bachmann…I need a shower.

SenileAgitation June 17, 2011 at 11:56 am

Car show of sadness. Thank you!

sezme June 17, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Why can't I ever get eaten by lesbians?

GOPCrusher June 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Sand hookworms?

emmelemm June 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I love this thread, between the absolute insanity of the Bachmann and the Dune theme. I love you all REALLY HARD!

It's been a tough week. I'm glad it's Friday.

Chet Kincaid June 17, 2011 at 11:00 am

There's also an erotic French cookbook in you, I suspect.

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