FECES ... IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER  1:11 pm June 16, 2011

Goodbye Anusburger, Hello Fecesburger!

by Wonkette Jr.

Unsatisfied with a diet of subsidized-corn subsidized-oil subsidized industrial cattle farm e.coli anusburgers? Japan’s wacky scientists have a treat for you!

It’s being called the “poop burger”. Japanese scientists have found a way to create artificial meat from sewage containing human feces.

Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. Tokyo Sewage approached the scientist because of an overabundance of sewage mud. They asked him to explore the possible uses of the sewage and Ikeda found that the mud contained a great deal of protein because of all the bacteria.

Is the entire north of Japan still radioactive, from those melting nuke reactors that continue to melt down, forever? Maybe the scientists could work on that waste. [Digital Trends]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 114 comments }

SexySmurf June 16, 2011 at 1:15 pm

So? Arby's has been doing this for years.

HistoriCat June 16, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Taco Bell is on line 2!

Barb June 16, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Do they have something for the kiddies? Maybe a Crappy Meal?

CapeClod June 16, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Just don't order the McNuggets.

[redacted]hse June 16, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Something for the wee ones?

FNMA June 16, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I'm telling you, "Human Centipede" was prophetic.

weejee June 16, 2011 at 1:24 pm

We are what we eat.

widestanceroman June 16, 2011 at 1:52 pm

In this case, 'we' are what 'they' ate.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 16, 2011 at 1:21 pm

You know what they call the Quarter Pound Poopburger with cheese in France?
~

weejee June 16, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Merdelicious?

Doktor Zoom June 16, 2011 at 1:25 pm
widestanceroman June 16, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Vitter Royale?

CrankyLttlCamperette June 16, 2011 at 1:26 pm

The America?

EatsBabyDingos June 16, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Dave?

BloviateMe June 16, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Tourists?

FlownOver June 16, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Le Snack du Sewer?

horsedreamer_1 June 16, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Pepe Le Poo?

mumbly_joe June 16, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Hitler!

memzilla June 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Soylent Brunes?

ifthethunderdontgetya June 16, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Hey, everybody!

Pull up a stool, it's time for burgers!
~

franco_pinyon June 16, 2011 at 2:20 pm

This isn't going to be topped. No way.

SorosBot June 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

That's a really crappy pun.

memzilla June 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm

What's worse than Soylent Green? Soylent Brown!

BaldarTFlagass June 16, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I guess this is a case of the self-fulfilling prophecy, "I know you don't like to eat shit sandwiches because you don't like the taste of bread."

SayItWithWookies June 16, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Shades of the reburger from Yes Men. Please let this be satire — or do we really want to find out that some people are so poor they can't afford a shitburger?

emmelemm June 16, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Shit burger more expensive than regular burger, as must recoup years of R&D cost for the "raw sewage to your plate" transition.

pinkocommi June 16, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Let me guess…. It tastes like shit.

AJWjr. June 17, 2011 at 10:53 am

But it's really great shit, Mrs. Prezky!

Lucidamente1 June 16, 2011 at 1:29 pm

As long as it's served by one of those sexbots they have over there, I'm ok with it.

KenLayIsAlive June 17, 2011 at 12:33 am

Poop burger and sex with a used robot woman.

Winning the future.

BloviateMe June 16, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I'm at the point where if I see something weird and creepy, it's either going to be from Japan, or the GOP.

Doktor Zoom June 16, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Time for another round of "Germany or Florida?"

EatsBabyDingos June 16, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Do they learn how to cook it in alimentary school?

hagajim June 16, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Soylent brown?

hagajim June 16, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Yes, may I have a colon burger, hold the corn.

Doktor Zoom June 16, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Also, the late B. Kliban saw this coming.

AJWjr. June 17, 2011 at 10:56 am

Shoulda stuck with the cats, there's a real future in cats.

joobajooba June 16, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Soylent Brown

Steverino247 June 16, 2011 at 1:45 pm

It's a big shit sandwich and we're all going to have to take a bite.
http://www.hark.com/clips/lhvmxksxlw-its-a-huge-s

KeepFnThatChicken June 16, 2011 at 1:45 pm

What makes them think I want to eat my sister-in-law's cooking?

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I can buy these at Ikeda?

emmelemm June 16, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Would fist again and again.

FlownOver June 16, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Does eating it give you that Assburger's Syndrome thing?

proudgrampa June 16, 2011 at 2:37 pm

If I could, I would upfist a dozen for that. Thanks, you made this story tolerable (otherwise, I would have thrown up a little in my mouth).

DashboardBuddha June 16, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Like a diamond shining through the muck – well done!

widestanceroman June 16, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Meat is merder.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 16, 2011 at 1:56 pm

How many calories?

proudgrampa June 16, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I want to know how many Weight Watchers points are we talking here???

natoslug June 16, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Calories don't count the second time through.

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I hate to ask, but does this burger come with special sauce?

proudgrampa June 16, 2011 at 3:44 pm

You know what else comes with "special sauce?"

real_dc_native June 16, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Santorum?

Oh, that is the special sauce.

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 9:20 am

Gyros!

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 16, 2011 at 1:59 pm

SOYLENT BROWN IS PEOPLE!

elviouslyqueer June 16, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Pity the poor marketeers who have to advertise this, uh, shit. Like, say, "Poop. It's what's for dinner." Or, "Poop, the other brown meat."

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

"Where's the mother fucking beef?!!!!!!"

DaRooster June 16, 2011 at 3:56 pm

"Where's the mother fucking Santorum beef?!!!!!!"

Gleem_McShineys June 16, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Kids( in unison): MOM! CAN WE HAVE SOME DOUBLE-PROCESSED BUNBURGERS, PLEASE!!

Mom (wry exasperation): Oh, alright.

*Catchy theme song*

Announcer: "From our buns, to yours! IT'S BUNBURGERS! They've been digested once already, so you KNOW IT IS SMOOOOOOTH!"

nounverb911 June 16, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Did Steuf try it while he was in Japan?

horsedreamer_1 June 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

"Better than Papa John's!" — Jack Steuf, staffer, the ONION

CapeClod June 16, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Taking shit on a shingle to its logical conclusion.

simplyblue7 June 16, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Speaking of which…I just made a whopper in my bathroom.

sati_demise June 16, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Is this an improvement on 'meat glue'?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss_b-dRIOOg

EatsBabyDingos June 16, 2011 at 2:07 pm

M&M Mars announced the new "Reece's Feces" and "Reece's Feces Pieces," while Pampers, wanting to get in on the recycling boom, announced its new "Pampers Fingerpainters"

emmelemm June 16, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Wasn't there a skit on Saturday Night Live a few years ago about eating your baby's diapers? (uuuuugggghhhhhh)

Trollina Dumbass June 16, 2011 at 2:08 pm

It's not just a sauce anymore!

el_donaldo June 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I gotta say, my dog eats poop all the time, but I'd never really consider that an endorsement. He also eats groundhog entrails.

Lascauxcaveman June 17, 2011 at 1:20 pm

He also eats groundhog entrails.

Ground hog entrails are what they put in all the best pork link sausages.

GuyClinch June 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Oh good lord. Even the con-artists at InventHelp.com would've passed on this. No way I'm going to become a fecatarian.

Eat shit and die.

Trollina Dumbass June 16, 2011 at 2:12 pm

And one of the scientists is named Woo Flung Poo.

qwerty42 June 16, 2011 at 2:12 pm

…Is the entire north of Japan still radioactive, from those melting nuke reactors that continue to melt down, forever? Maybe the scientists could work on that waste.
Please don't give this guy ideas like that. There is no telling what will be flavoring our fecesburgers. Not that we won't eat them anyway. cripes.

Native_of_SL_UT June 16, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I tried this myself when I was two.
I don't remember how it tasted.

AJWjr. June 17, 2011 at 11:07 am

My oldest brother used it as a hair product. Our mother decided that was a Kodak moment, and constantly embarrassed him in front of everybody.

GuyClinch June 16, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Nothing I hate more than biting into a nice burger and finding bits of toilet paper in it.

LetUsBray June 16, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Or a condom.

GuyClinch June 16, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Waiter, there's a tampon in my burger.

Fare la Volpe June 16, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I have the perfect marketing gimmick:
http://www.stevenhumour.com/wp-content/uploads/20

horsedreamer_1 June 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Reduce. Reuse. Redigest.

Bonzos_Bed_Time June 16, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Wow, that didn't take any time at all. Now that Ken is (mostly) gone, it's out with the anus burger, in with the poop burger.

HistoriCat June 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Skip the artificial coloring – go for the Soylent Brown.

SorosBot June 16, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Still sounds more appetizing than any of the "hamburgers" at Burger King.

proudgrampa June 16, 2011 at 2:46 pm

We are so freakin' doomed…

smokefilledroommate June 16, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I call human feces!

DaRooster June 16, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Watch the drug content of that burger… especially around Baltimore and DC.

MissusBarry June 16, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Too bad they're only exerimenting with human poo. Otherwise, my Great Dane could be a real cash cow.

Throughout the article and comments, it has been a great test of will to keep my own (hopefully) feces-free lunch down, also, too.

jus_wonderin June 16, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Similarly, my stomach has requested to reenact any scene from the Alien sci-fi franchise. Just which scene is unclear. Things could go either way.

DaRooster June 16, 2011 at 3:52 pm

"Is the entire north of Japan still radioactive, from those melting nuke reactors that continue to melt down, forever? Maybe the scientists could work on that waste."

Why when they can just tell you to go eat shit… and like it.

emmelemm June 16, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Oh my God, I can't believe I watched that. "Squicky."

LetUsBray June 16, 2011 at 4:20 pm

My first thought was, who the hell do they think is going to eat such repackaged shit? But I'm sure they're counting on the same people who vote for Republicans to fuck them over.

mourningnmerica June 16, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Well said. We are already used to eating shit on a daily basis.

Redhead June 16, 2011 at 4:21 pm

This makes me want to vomit. Except that's probably what they use to make the french fries.

mumbly_joe June 16, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Meh, just think of it as delivering all the E. coli, but eliminating the middle-man. And it probably tastes better than McDonalds or Burger King, at very least.

mumbly_joe June 16, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I'm assuming the Paul Ryan is hailing this development as an innovation of critical value to his ongoing plan to make the old and the poor eat shit and die.

DashboardBuddha June 16, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I wonder if it's like snacks made with Olestra. Uncontrolled anal leakage – it's the circle of life.

Diabeetis June 16, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Den dey eat da poo poo!

fartknocker June 16, 2011 at 4:50 pm

No burger for me…I'll just have the Freedom Fries.

real_dc_native June 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Have you ever tasted dog food?

proudgrampa June 16, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Well, no.

But true story: My son lives near Flagstaff, Arizona. Flagstaff is the home of a Purina Dog Chow factory: imagine the aroma of Dog Chow as it is being cooked, wafting everywhere. You do NOT want to live in that neighborhood…

rambone June 16, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Lucky for the Nipponese, half of America will eat anything so long as it's covered in batter and deep fried. The other half will eat it if you throw in the words "Asian Fusion."

real_dc_native June 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I think I'd prefer a sewer burger over a Weiner tweet at this point.

finallyhappy June 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm

My dog once ate Rat jerky( a long dead totally dried flattened rat) which sounds better than the poop burger- if you ask me

proudgrampa June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Another true story: my dog once ate a tampon. Yes, it was a used tampon. It got stuck in her stomach and I had to pay over $3000 for her surgery to remove it.

I wish she had just eaten some poop.

MinAgain June 16, 2011 at 5:56 pm

No wonder Japan lost the war.

mourningnmerica June 16, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Too late. Friday's already has these. They're made from diarrhea. They're called sliders.

mourningnmerica June 16, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I'm opening a franchise of this company, here stateside. Here's the tentative menu.

1. The Duke of Hazard
2. Shiese Fries
3. The Semi Colon (like a Wendy's Jr. burger)
4. Shitaco Grande
5. Chicken Sphincters

zhubajie June 16, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Sounds like the "plot" to an SF porn movie.

ttommyunger June 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Poop goes in, poop goes out, poop goes in, poop goes out; never a miscommunication…but the halitosis would knock a Buzzard off a gut wagon.

[redacted]hse June 16, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Two Girls, One Patty.

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 9:20 am

My favourite churrascaria.

Gleem_McShineys June 16, 2011 at 8:36 pm

New hipster term "I am a doodie foodie"

horsedreamer_1 June 17, 2011 at 9:19 am

Don't associate Ben Affleck with this. The burger's already going to be the butt of enough jokes.

sezme June 17, 2011 at 10:45 am

Whoop dee doo! They succeeded in reverse-engineering a McDonalds Quarter Pounder. Damn copycat Japanese… If they were really so smart, perhaps they could make some fecal nigiri sushi. Uni shouldn't be too difficult, and as a side bonus, the word for shit in Japanese in "Unchi" so the name wouldn't even have to change all that much.

Mort_Sinclair June 17, 2011 at 4:17 pm

After that whole bombing thing in Nagasaki and Hiroshima when the Japanese basically ignored orphaned children who were foraging for mice in between spitting out baby teeth and weaving blankets out of their own hair, I have to say this doesn't surprise me.

ChapterUndVerse June 18, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Not only gives new meaning to the expression "eat shit and die," it also promises to help out on a wide range of issues related to teh oldz and teh poorz living too long.

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