farewell my weiner

Beloved Weiner-Twitterer Anthony Weiner Resigns From Congress

This is a real thing, made by Glenn Beck, several years ago.Anthony Weiner is crazy for girls and crazy for Twitter, two things that do not go well together, especially when you’re a married congressman who can’t stop taking pictures of your dick and sending them to the entire Internet. So, after who knows how many weeks of Weinergate, Anthony Weiner is resigning from Congress. We’re betting those voters from his district who originally said, “Eh, let’s keep him, he’s good at going on teevee and talking about himself,” eventually changed over to, “Oh for god’s sake, quit already, and keep it in your pants for a while, iPhone sex creep.” Even Barack Obama took a moment from authorizing the bombing of all other countries to say, “Hey, Weiner? You are now officially messing with my business, which is shaking liberal millionaires down for campaign contributions. Get lost.” Good-bye, Anthony Weiner, history’s first Twitter-Congress casualty.

How things have changed in our dumb world! Just a few years ago, Wonkette was writing about another congressman who loved the intersection of technology and jacking off: Mark Foley. Do you know what Foley used to seduce his younglings? Some ancient technology called “AOL Instant Messenger.” Nobody today even remembers how it worked, but ancient cached Google pages suggest you connected “Windows 95″ to a pager (?) and then somehow suggested the existence of your genitals without a Smart Phone, amazingly. Also, Mark Foley resigned pretty much as soon as he was caught. And, you know, Foley was actually a closeted gay who was sort of known as being gay and wasn’t that big of a jerk, as a human. What we mean is, for all the mockery directed at Mark Foley and his AIM chats with younger gentlemens, he didn’t lie to the whole Earth for a month and bring immense shame to a wife and unborn child.

Speaking of wives, it seems Weiner’s pregnant wife is the one who “allowed” him to resign. Hahaha we bet she is going to “allow” him to do some other stuff, too, like agree to whatever divorce/alimony/child support plan her lawyers come up with, no arguments allowed, no replies on Twitter.

Good-bye, Weiner! Thanks for the lulz! [Los Angeles Times]

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Comments

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  • nounverb911

    It’s all Alexander Graham Bell’s fault for inventing the Blackberry in the first place.

    • mrpuma2u

      Yeah he ruined everything when he made the first text to Watson, which we all of course remember was LOL.

      • HistoriCat

        "Watson come here – I need you" … kinda says it all.

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      @Bell_Man just became the Mayor of Your_Mom on FourSquare!

  • nounverb911

    Weiner is such a weiner!

  • orygoon

    Now he can be a lobbyist for all things sexytime.

    • nounverb911

      Or Mayor of New York.

      • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

        Or Eliot Spitzer's new co-host. Show title suggestions, please.

        • BlueMonkeh

          Don't even have to be creative:

          Weiner Spitzer

          done.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Hopefully this also means the end of the once-funny wiener jokes.

    • FNMA

      At last count, there were seven Johnsons in Congress.
      I like those odds.

      • SorosBot

        Last year there was a Cox running, but he lost.

        • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Trollina Dumbass

          Running Cox should really be examined by a doctor.

  • Barb

    Anthony, sit back and take some time for your body hair to grow back and wait for the call from "Dancing With the Stars." Every dick makes it there eventually.

  • LiveToServeYa

    At least congress isn't going to demand that he be hung.

    • LabRodent

      ZING!!!!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Kudos to you, sir or madam, for finding a fresh witticism after all these years of Weiner chatter!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Has Twitter's top twit finished twatting?

  • baconzgood

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

    Tee-Hee

    "Weiner Out"

    • axmxz

      These past few weeks, we've all gazed upon the Platonic form of Dick Jokes, and for that, we thank him.

  • PsycWench

    Headline "Obama Brushes Off Weiner"?

    • mrpuma2u

      Nice. What about Obama lets go of Weiner???

      • bagofmice

        Weiner a no go for O.

    • http://wonkette.com/ sweetcommunist

      "Weiner Pulls Out"

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ain’t technology great? I wonder what will be the next new thing that congressmen will use to solicit their private parts to the public and ultimately embarrass themselves into resigning? Something in 3D no doubt.

    • BlueMonkeh

      Did you see the 3D printer on Colbert? Possibilities are endless.

  • axmxz

    So long, Wiener! It's been swell, but the swelling has gone down.

  • Rotundo_

    Pics of ones' pee-pee on twitter between consenting "adults" = resignation. Hiring out hookers to change poopy diapers and spank ones' spotty white bottom for being a "bad boy" = momentary distraction to senatorial career. I guess if you're considering juvenile sexual behavior, go for the gold (perhaps in several metaphorical senses) instead of just being dull.

    • nounverb911

      No pictures on the interwebs.

      • genxr

        Thank heaven for little favors.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Well when your base has shit for brains… just sayin'

      • occams8ball

        a senate seat is fucking gold is what I heard.

    • BlueMonkeh

      It's a GOP thing.

      The bigger the hypocrisy, the better off the hypocrite, I guess.

  • BloviateMe

    Christ-a-mighty, I hope he actually did at least get laid, and we just don't know yet.

    Lamest scandal EVER…if it weren't for his surname being what it is, it would have been yawn inducing.

  • LiveToServeYa

    And never underestimate the power of pr0n to drive technological development.

  • LabRodent

    ALOT

  • rambone

    Never has so much been lost for so little!

    Oh wait, are we still in Iraq?

  • notreelyhelping

    If thy Weiner offend thee, cut it off. Or something.

    • axmxz

      Don't worry, Huma's on it.

    • Geminisunmars

      Pluck it out?

  • nounverb911

    Elliot Spitzer needs a new partner for his show.

    • CZL

      Wiener-Spitzer? Ja, ich mag das!

  • Lucidamente1

    I can't wait for his next appearance on The Daily Show.

    • DaRooster

      Fully clothed I hope…

  • SorosBot

    Too bad he didn't hire prostitutes to force him to wear diapers, then he'd be just fine.

    • DaRooster

      … from the Senate floor.

    • Doktor Zoom

      No, that's only OK if you're a Republican.

      • DahBoner

        IOKIYAR

  • CapeClod

    " Weiner succumbs to pressure and withdraws."

    • axmxz

      "Weiner succumbs to pressure, cries a river, and withdraws."

      fixed

      • DaRooster

        Hey… stop peeking…

    • bagofmice

      Weiner squeezed out?

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    If, after all of this, a few people will have learned the difference in spelling between Weiner and wiener, it will have all been worth it. Or possibly not.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Hah–dream on! We're Americans. We don't do spelling.

  • Weenus299

    What was he so hacked off about?

  • BloviateMe

    There goes the "No More Weiner" website, and it's numerous but confused throng of militant lesbians.

  • PsycWench

    " What we mean is, for all the mockery directed at Mark Foley and his AIM chats with younger gentlemens, he didn’t lie to the whole Earth for a month and bring immense shame to a wife and unborn child."

    For all the mockery directed at Anthony Weiner, he wasn't a pedophile who targeted boys who were in a clearly subservient position to him, and he didn't belong to a party that was dedicated to keeping gays marginalized as much as possible.

    • glamourdammerung

      Also, the Foley child rape fiasco only had the GOP leadership not only aware of the issue, but actively covering it up. Then after it blew up saying things like how the children were "liberal plants". I wish I was making that up.

      • BlueMonkeh

        Yeah – but that surely doesn't get attention.

        Again – what Weiner did was piggish and stupid, neither of which is illegal.

        Live boy, dead hooker rules should apply.

    • emmelemm

      Gotta agree. I'm no fan of this Weiner nonsense (his poor wife), but it's pretty benign in the scheme of things.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      About Mark Foley … I got curious about similarities between Foley's AIM vs Wiener's tweets. According to the google, Foley waited until the young men finished their stint as pages (not subservient) and were over 18 (not pedo) before contacting them with sexual innuendo. It's slimy that he was scouting them while they were still underage, but he stayed on the legal side of those lines.

      The consensual age and relationship boundaries serve some kind of social purpose, but we place such an amplified value on their meaning. Idealizing and infantilizing young women as fragile virgins though age 17 years, 11 months. Meanwhile, young men over 13 — especially of color — are objects of fear, and tried as adults.

      In the office a compliment about appearance can be characterized as harrassment.. We say "please" and "thank you" and make decisions by consensus so everyone's voice can be heard. But "you look nice today" is off-limits.

      I don't know what brought this on. Um, um … Wiener did a Palin today.

      • glamourdammerung

        Actually, he did not wait until 18 in all cases, and should be in jail.

  • Mumbletypeg

    a married congressman who can’t stop taking pictures of your dick and sending them to the entire Internet.

    It's curious how one cadre of power-mongers in office cater to legislating away any hint of 'risk' on behalf of their paranoid conserva-stituents. Public schools= risky; allow their teachers some autonomy in the classroom and union protection? Risky business.. The guns-and-religion mantra feeds the same risk-averse mentality and is reflected in the campaign messages of those courting the same sector.

    Then you have the ones like Weiner? Can't get enough risk factor. It's like a drug. Substitute any other name of a similar high-profile contender for success who, instead of sensing his/her personal behavior could jeopardize all that had been worked for, rather pushes the envelope even more.

    So one side is erecting all these safety-protections and risk-reducers while a different component of game player can't observe his own fellow Dongressman Chris Lee go down in flames without upping the frickin' ante on his own, wife and family included as collateral. Go figure; I can't.

    • SenileAgitation

      Nicely put. And I suspect there isn't any math to match it.

      • Mumbletypeg

        I realize it's a flawed connection I'm drawing — personal 'risk' vs. societal — but it reflects a dichotomy that just started bothering me.
        Short-term solution, of course — to read through the hilarious comments surrounding this — has begun to improve my mood, thanks~

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i think it's time to name something else after beloved Hoosier, Harry Baals.

  • freakishlywrong

    Thank goodness! Now the Dems can go back to their razor sharp messaging about heartless, asshole conservatards.

    /as if

    • Oblios_Cap

      Maybe we can all hang out with Weiner when he's in town!

  • Weenus299

    In the future, everyone will be a representative for more than four hours.

    • genxr

      I look forward to the swearing in ceremony where the entire Congressional freshman class recites the oath and then stick smartphones down their pants.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Guess he's going to be able to spend plenty of time corresponding with his cyber-family.

  • An_Outhouse

    Will Weiner be joining Dick's Army?

  • genxr

    ACORN was implicated in a 1970s blacksploitation ring.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Their favorite guest will be Santorum.

  • mrpuma2u

    I hate to see Anthony Weiner go, but at the same time, jeebus fuxstix what the hell was he thinking? He is reaping the bitter harvest of acting really stupid.

    • HELisforHEL

      This is what perplexes me. How is it that I, a suddenly becoming an olde person type getting lost in the technologies, can understand that YOU DON'T POST SEXYTIME PICS OF YOURSELF on the intertubes if you actually want to, you know, keep your family, your job, your dignity? What part of this is difficult to comprehend?

    • zhubajie

      As I tell my students, we reward ourselves and punish ourselves.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    He'll be know as "The Guy Who Brought Down Weiner." That's for by me.

    • SorosBot

      How about "the guy who went down on Weiner"?

    • LesBontemps

      How 'bout "Weiner Slapper?" "Weiner Whacker?" Wait, I've got it — "Weiner Exposer Andrew Breitbart."

      • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

        That deserves an Urban Dictionary entry. "Wiener Pic Collector Andrew Breitbart" should be considered as well.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Can't wait for The Weiner Show on msnbc–debuting right after Hardball.

  • Papa_Uniform

    Now that the Dems have whacked Weiner's wiener, maybe we can get on with the real issues facing the country.

    Naw.

  • CapeClod

    It seems that the Canadians are so outraged by this that they started rioting in Vancouver.

    Oh, that wasn't about Weiner?

  • Fare la Volpe

    This is great news for Congressman Richard Picks.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    As an un-closeted Librul, will be be forced to go on Current TV like the Rethugs do Faux News? Will all 47 current Current subscribers be forced to watch?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I guess he doesn't plump when you cook him.™

  • axmxz

    Wieners are like boomerangs: send one out over the interwebs, and you'll find it up your own ass.

    • emmelemm

      Nice.

  • SorosBot

    Good for him, to bad he is not a Republican he would have a sweet Fox News gig waiting for him been mostly ignored by the media, had his party rally around him, and safely remained in office.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Poor, sad, lonely Weiner.
    I'm talking about mine. I don't give a shit about Anthony.

  • DaRooster

    Everybody Wang Chung tonight!

  • hagajim

    Did he write I QUIT on his weiner and twit it to Boner and Pelosi? That would be going out in style!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I QUIT is what it said when flaccid. When angry, the Weiner reads I QUIT BECAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE HOUNDED ME OUT OF OFFICE.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Hey Ken, we know yer still peekin', there's someone recently available who could be there with the mustard as a Wonkette Jr. Even knows how to twat photogs.

  • fuflans

    as summer scandals go, this one was only a one whore diamond.

  • Doktor Zoom

    The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it…. Give in to your anger.

    • HistoriCat

      Joe Lieberman? Is that you – you asshole?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Hope he enjoyed all that sex he was havin'.

    Oh, wait. He wasn't.

  • Eve8Apples

    The moral of the story boys and girls…Tweet your meat. Quit your seat.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Hanging is a hanging offense?

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      The moral of the story boys and girls…only attempt the sexytime with strangers if you're a dickquote family-values /dickquote Republican. Then it doesn't matter whether what you did was illegal, revolting or dangerous to farm animals, 'cuz Gawd's gonna still love you afterward.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Moral of the story?

    Let's ask Senator Diaper Dave Vitter: "IOKIYAAR."
    ~

  • LetUsBray

    This fucking sucks. David Vitter the Diaper Shitter keeps his seat AND gets a standing ovation from his equally pervy colleagues, but our creeper has to resign in disgrace? A big part of the massive double standard in politics is that our side is weak-willed enough to buy into it.

    • BlueMonkeh

      and what Vitter did, engaging the services of a prostitute, was actually illegal, and also.

    • Eve8Apples

      I kinda like that Vitter refuses to resign. He's a spineless, disgusting disgrace. Every so often it's fun to whack him around like an ugly stepchild.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Let us not forget that John "Creepiest Sex Scandal Ever" Ensign hung around for four years, until the unanimous decision of the Ethics Committee was to send his file back to Justice with a sticky on top reading "Do your fucking job this time."

  • prommie

    Au contraire, mon frere; the center bearing on my propeller shaft has gone kablooey, and needs to be replaced, before I can go on my summer vacation voyage to Martha's Vineyard.

    • riverside68

      I love it when you talk dirty.

      Coming through Newport on your way?

      • prommie

        From the south, with a stop in Montauk.

        • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

          Filthy and nautical! Just please don't go to Red Parrot. And skip the Newport Yacht Club for the New York one. Much nicer.

          • riverside68

            What's the matter, don't like working class neighborhood yacht clubs?

            And you really should refer to 'the New York one' one as Harbour Court, much more inside cool.

            My advice is Offshore Ale in the Vineyard and Cuttyhunk as a stop over.

          • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

            Well, to be truthful I don't care for either. It's just an objective statement. Also, you said "working-class yacht club." That's funny.

          • prommie

            The proper expression is "slave class" now.

          • riverside68

            They aren't slaves if you only rent them when you need them. Thus if they starve to death your heirs cannot sue you for wasting of assets. It's a better system really.

            Re: working class yacht club: If a pipefitter owns a $50k winibago is he no longer working class?

            Nice is in the eye of the beholder, but I will buy the first round at either club and we can discuss further. (I got no juice at the Ida Lewis YC, named after the "Bravest Woman in America" so I can't buy you a drink there.)

  • Doktor Zoom

    I'm fairly certain there are/were multiple Juniors in the audition, but only their hairdresser knows for sure.

  • poncho_pilot

    Get The Hell Outta Congress: The Anthony Weiner/Alan Grayson Comedy Tour

  • notreelyhelping

    At the dire risk of being serious, Obama's weighing in on this issue kind of reminded me of the scene in Godfather II where Tom Hagen visits Frank Pentangeli when he's in protective custody and chats about Roman honor, where if a disgraced soldier falls on his sword, the Emperor takes care of his family. "Those old Romans were pretty smart guys." Like Obama took Joey Biden off tortoise-watch long enough to have a little sit-down with Tony.

    There's a hint of Tom Hagen in Biden, y'know? More influential than he appears, but still never quite accepted.

  • bigdupa

    Job opening for Chuck Shumer's protege.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Be sure to send a resume, cover letter, and an 8×10 of your schlong.

  • Sue4466

    Weiner might be gone, but Congress is still full of dicks.

  • DahBoner

    Fuck this asshole!

    If he believed in Democracy, he would let the voters hoist him out on his keister, or not….

  • SenileAgitation

    Now who will call out Clarence Thomas? or Fox? Really sorry to see a representative of Antknee's fortitude and straightforward thinking trip on his dick. I wish him and his family well.

  • Guppy06

    Weiner ultimately showed himself to be a true Democrat: he has no balls.

    At the very least, he should have said "I'll quit when Vitter quits."

  • BarackMyWorld

    I bet David Vitter is laughing his diaper-covered ass off right now.

  • emmelemm

    Well, the cuckolded (I know, that's not really the right word) thing worked pretty well for Hillary Clinton.

  • RedneckMuslin

    It's gettin sos a guy can't get laid anyymore without gettin inta trouble.

  • franco_pinyon

    "Oh, I'd love to be an Oscar Mayer 'Weiner' (Bah-bah-baaaah)
    That is what I'd really like to be…"

  • EBGrey

    With Weiner gone, we'll have to find a new Congressman with a funny name to goof on. I nominate Dutch Ruppersberger of Maryland's 2nd District.

  • sati_demise

    well, there is a nuclear plant in Nebraska that is about to blow. so theres that.

  • baconzgood

    Like two chicks and a cup!!!! Have faith ML Have faith!

  • chascates

    Live press conference about to start:
    http://www.politico.com/livestream/

  • http://wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

    Can't wait for "Spitzer/Weiner" on MSNBC every night at 9.

  • guangho

    This is nuts.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Fuck Mr and Mrs. Weiner. This is about ME. He was my pretend boyfriend. Not only did he never tweet me, now, like David "You're Welcome" Schuster, he's gone. Here I am, mourning my fantasies alone in the Dust Bowl. Thanks a lot, my fellow wonkerattis, for your lack of support.

  • proudgrampa

    Oooooh, that's all we need. Another schmuck added to the unemployment numbers.

  • James Michael Curley

    With appologies to Mississippi Fred McDowell:

    You got to tweet,
    You got to tweet,
    When the heat is in the meat,
    You got to tweet.
    But when the Lord Gets ready,
    You got to move.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Salon says Weiner was always just a self-aggrandizing opportunist who fooled national liberals by looking and talking good on TV while being useless to his colleagues. Maybe his "friend" Jon Stewart knew that all along, thus the absolutely merciless pounding on the Daily Show.
    http://www.salon.com/news/anthony_weiner_dny/inde

    • carlgt1

      it really doesn't say much for our country that our allegedly liberal heros & spokesmen for the people all went down with sex scandals — Spitzer, Edwards, Weiner. who was the last bona-fide spokesman for the masses? Wellstone? And they had to kill him….

    • C_R_Eature

      Well this all makes sense now. Wiener's support evaporated instantly and absolutely no one in congress, the Media or even in his district had his back. If he had taken the time to build a a power base and local connections he could have ridden this out with the "Rehab"card. he didn't even break any law, apparently, except for the "Don't become a public spectacle & trash our re-election prospects" rule for Democrats.

  • ragnarok4msm

    WEINERGATE OVER : CAUSE TWITTERDICK ~def. noun. Digital pictures of privates, for privacies perusal, sent public.

    • glamourdammerung

      Are all you breitards just random sentence programs at this point?

  • C_R_Eature

    Well, that's over, finally. The only fun thing about this was the Weener jokes and I got bored with them after day 3.

    OTOH, now we have a new Internet Meme to fool around with: LOLDICKS !

    Example:

    IM IN YR INTERNETZ

    [PENIS]

    KILLIN YR CAREERZ

    what fun.

  • Negropolis

    So, Ant couldn't wait out until 2012 to let his constituents decide whether they wanted him or not? What a wiener. Honestly, I'm through with people like this that let their caucus and the media decide who and who doesn't get to stay in Congress.

    If I happened to be in his shoes, the very first thing I would have done once I heard Nancy give that bullshit of a statement she did would have been to leave the caucus. She's not the only bitch who can be spiteful.

    Unless his wife really told him to leave, this is a really dickish thing to do to his constituents.

  • Negropolis

    Here's another scalp for the media and conservatives to hang on the wall. Tony's gone, Breitbart got a fucking apology, and the media got to write dick jokes until they couldn't write no more. And we won, how? And we're better off more than we were yesterday, why?

    We'll be back here in a month of two. They can't ever be sated, yet we continue to sacrifice our own to them hoping that they will be appeased. Shit-stained David "Diapers" Vitter (R – Huggies) is sitting high on the hog, Ensign didn't leave until it was clear that he could have been indicted, but Weiner has to leave for some dick-pics?

    Keep feeding the beast and she where it gets you. I hope some bitter liberal blogger outs every closeted Republican. I mean every. damned. one. A pox on the whole lot of them.

    Hell yeah, I'm angry.