OUR IMPENDING DEATHS  2:24 pm June 15, 2011

Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc.

by Wonkette Jr.

How’s the “best health care system in the world” doing, these days? Uhh ….

Large swaths of the United States are showing decreasing or stagnating life expectancy even as the nation’s overall longevity trend has continued upwards, according to a county-by-county study of life expectancy over two decades.

In one-quarter of the country, girls born today may live shorter lives than their mothers, and the country as a whole is falling behind other industrialized nations in the march toward longer life, according to the study.

Where are we living the longest? In the super-rich mansions of Fairfax County, Virginia, with Dick Cheney! And where are living short, hideous little lives? All over the country, but especially in Appalachia, the South, and Texas. How much do we spend per capita on health care, in this country? TWICE AS MUCH AS ANYWHERE ELSE ON EARTH. But, to be fair, the richest 10% spends all of that, on plastic surgery to revitalize their hairlines or vaginas, and the other 90% buys Tylenol on a credit card and then dies of obesity & liver failure. [Washington Post]

 
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{ 104 comments }

Barb June 15, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Don't think of it as dying earlier Texans, think of it as finally seceding from America and hey, the rest of the planet too!

mourningnmerica June 15, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Barb, I think there must be a mistake somewhere. I thought that the people in Texas really wanted to SUCCEED. It's a whole mess of really focused, motivated achievers down there.

On the other hand, I've been wrong before…

ifthethunderdontgetya June 15, 2011 at 2:30 pm

the richest 10% spends all of that, on plastic surgery to revitalize their hairlines or vaginas

Not to mention working on their vagina hairlines.
~

GunToting[Redacted] June 15, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Leave Xtine out of this!

Preferred Customer June 15, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I think they actually do more of that in Brazil.

SexySmurf June 15, 2011 at 2:31 pm

If I lived in the South I wouldn't want to live very long either.

Giveusabob June 15, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Then you may find sweet sweet relief in George Soros' sinister plot behind establishments like Chick-Fil-A, Whataburger, Bojanges, The Varsity, etc, as that plot appears to be succeeding.

ManchuCandidate June 15, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Jeebus loves me yes I know,
The Free Market tells me so
Corn syrup drinks I do chug;
They are sweet but diabeetus 2 is strong.

TX_Bluebonnets June 15, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Yes, Jeebus luvs me,
Yes, Jeebus luvs me,
Yes, Jeebus luvs me,
But my doctor don't anymore.

My kidneys quit and now I'm sore
Coughing all day is quite a bore
Working for low pay makes me sick
But Jeebus says it's just my schtick.

SayItWithWookies June 15, 2011 at 2:34 pm

The teabaggers don't want any big government telling them they have to live past 80. Really, it's the teabaggers — check it out.

SorosBot June 15, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Huh, it looks like here in Pennsylvania the increased life expectancy patches correspond with Philly, Pittsburgh, Harrisburg and their suburbs, the decreased patches with Pennsyltucky, and pretty much every other state with both large cities and empty rural areas is declining. It looks like the country life really is bad for you.

Oblios_Cap June 15, 2011 at 3:09 pm

There's where we dump all the citys' crap. Plus, pigshit from the huge farming concerns and the pesticides, etc. from the mega-farms.

neiltheblaze June 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

More Fracking!

Trollina Dumbass June 15, 2011 at 4:01 pm

That's a lot of ATV accidents!

V572 [SSAN] June 15, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Let's ask 'em again at age 79 years 11 months and 29 days. "Okay to pull the plug now, Grammaw?"

NYNYNYjr June 15, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Read the article- the absolute worst life expectancy is in Holmes Co. MS, which is 75% black and 81% voted for Obama. It's been Democratic ever since black people were allowed to vote (1966).

SayItWithWookies June 15, 2011 at 5:04 pm

The map correlates very positively with maps showing the most active tea party memberships, and also with the former CSA states. It's not surprising that black people in Mississippi, a disadvantaged population in one of the poorest states of the union, would suffer more. Not saying it's of their own doing — but the teabaggist disdain for the federal role naturally worsens everyone's situation whether they voted for Obama or not.

mourningnmerica June 15, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I looked at that map. Jesus Palamino, what is up with southern Oklahoma???? Is it legal to hunt bitches down there? Cripes.

AJWjr. June 15, 2011 at 10:14 pm

If that big-assed red blotch in Nevada means bitches be dyin', then we're #1!

hooray4anything June 15, 2011 at 2:35 pm

The fact that places like Texas and most of the South are fervently low tax anti-government states would have nothing to do with those stats would they? Nahhh……

Trollina Dumbass June 15, 2011 at 4:03 pm

It's all part of the general adherence to sweet, sweet ignorance. Bein' dumb never kilt anyone! Nobama!!1!

DerrickWildcat June 15, 2011 at 2:36 pm

They don't have any reason to live very long.

Pragmatist2 June 15, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Good.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 15, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Madfall June 15, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Turtles all the way down…

petehammer June 15, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Hey now, Portland is not the south.

Oblios_Cap June 15, 2011 at 2:39 pm

the country as a whole is falling behind other industrialized nations in the march toward longer life

That's because we're a third-world country that believes in spending all our money on things that go "boom".

Ducksworthy June 15, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Thanks Banana Republikkans.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 9:45 pm

If we use enough of the Things That Go Boom, we'll get the global average down to where ours is.

SpurningBeer June 15, 2011 at 2:39 pm

To be fair, a 37-year lifespan seems a lot longer in Texas and the South.

BloviateMe June 15, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Maybe the rapture is just a way slower process than everybody thought.

I mean, that God thing does tend to oversell, so it's certainly plausible.

ManchuCandidate June 15, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Or maybe the reason why the Rapture failed is because God's elevators have a weight restriction.

freakishlywrong June 15, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Another feather in our eckseptional quiver. Eww Ess Aaye!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 15, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Jr.: You make it sound like revitalizing vaginas is not a noble pursuit.

Ducksworthy June 15, 2011 at 2:46 pm

USA! USA! Plus we get to work twice and much for a very lousy retirement program.

Trollina Dumbass June 15, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Exactly as the wise, bible-thumbing, Ayn Rand reading founding fathers intended. (This rewriting history stuff is easy! Who's gonna question me? Junior?)

Redhead June 15, 2011 at 2:47 pm

hey, if I pray really hard and I don't get better, that just means it was God's will for me to not get better.

Just like it was God's will to provide Cheney and Beck and Limbaugh and those other rich elitist assholes with the money and resources to actually get quality medical care. And you can't argue with God's will. At least, those assholes hope you can't.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Beck's money, and Limpballs', all comes out of the pockets of the poor schlubs who can't get decent health care.
The Lord works in very fucking mysterious ways.

chascates June 15, 2011 at 2:48 pm

That means Texans and Southerners get to Gloryland sooner than other people!

Go, Go, GO!!!

weejee June 15, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Hallelujah

notgross June 15, 2011 at 4:48 pm

That is a true "win, win".

DaRooster June 15, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Hey South,
Jesus walked some.

D.R.

KeepFnThatChicken June 15, 2011 at 2:53 pm

NO. FUCK THAT.

I am in the South, and I will live a long time in spite of them.

elviouslyqueer June 15, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Hear hear! Plus, with my super-skinny physique and medicine cabinet with enough anti-wrinkle cream to turn a crate of prunes back into plums, I'm gonna look a damn sight better than these morbidly obese redneck motherfuckers. Also, too, with alacrity.

Madfall June 15, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Well you have an unfair advantage Bill, that True blood is non-fat.

VaWyo June 15, 2011 at 2:54 pm

No fair. I'm going to have to suffer the consequences of those idiots they elect for much longer.

easybaked June 15, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I get it now – this is a religious question. Those who believe in the FLOTUS' magic veggies will live (almost) forever. And will be able to look down and actually see their naughty bits. The rest will perish in a deep-fried hell of their own making.

All hail the Nubian Vegetable Goddess !

nounverb911 June 15, 2011 at 2:56 pm

How much time does Rick Perry have left?

mourningnmerica June 15, 2011 at 6:50 pm

It's in God's hands.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Until August 6, innit?

hagajim June 15, 2011 at 3:00 pm

They love Jeebus in the south, eat shitty food and largely live shitty lives….no wonder they are dying so fast….they are anxious to leave the anus burgers behind and bask in the glory of the Father and Son….or something.

GOPCrusher June 15, 2011 at 5:03 pm

It must suck to get cosmically bitch slapped by the invisible hand of the free market.

Goonemeritus June 15, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Strange how lifespan and retirement age seem to be converging to a single point for working class types. These numbers are approaching unity from both direction almost as if it were a plan.

TX_Bluebonnets June 15, 2011 at 5:04 pm

It IS. That's how to solve the Social Security crisis…

ThundercatHo June 15, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I hope you're not suggesting that ham (country-style with extra salt, nitrates, etc.) biscuits, sweet tea (sugar + molasses for extra goodness), deep fried everything and vegetables stewed in animal fat do not compose a healthy diet?

nounverb911 June 15, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Mmmmm! Ham biscuits. Where's Lindsey?

weejee June 15, 2011 at 3:15 pm
neiltheblaze June 15, 2011 at 8:30 pm

You forgot the butter, but otherwise that's every Paula Dean cookbook right there. Her cookbooks should have warning stickers..

ThundercatHo June 15, 2011 at 11:19 pm

I agree but it's probably delicious. At least it always looks like it since Paula appears to be having a giant orgasm everytime she does the taste test which is the best part of watching her show.

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 4:36 am

Her cookbooks should have warning stickers..

LOL!

Honestly, here food needs a Surgeon General's warning on them.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Don't forget the "gravy", also. You've got to lube those biscuits, and nothing does the job like Southern 30-weight redeye.

qwerty42 June 15, 2011 at 3:09 pm

We're Number … uh … 37!
We're Number … er… 37!
We're Number 37!
USA! USA! USA!
It's mourning in America!
(no misspelling)

Oblios_Cap June 15, 2011 at 3:10 pm

That's why the delta blues are so damn good.

weejee June 15, 2011 at 3:13 pm

♪♫ Darwin is my only love
Darwin's all I'm thinking of
Darwin gives me all those Cheetos, trans fats, nitrites, high fructose corn syrupies
Darwin, Oooo, Darwin, Oooo
Darwin, Darwin I'm done ♫♪

Grief_Lessons June 15, 2011 at 3:18 pm

You could put that sentence at the end of virtually any paragraph, about any civilized characteristic that a state might possess.

Madfall June 15, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I want a tasty pork and chocolate melange now, damn you.

proudgrampa June 15, 2011 at 3:23 pm

No surprises, there.

That drought they got going in TX is gonna kill 'em sooner, rather than later…

hooray4anything June 15, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Good thing nobody thought Mississippi's Governor would make a serious Republican Presidential Contender. Or Texas' for that matter.

TX_Bluebonnets June 15, 2011 at 5:03 pm

You used to be able to assume Mississippi was the worst, but these days, Texas is really giving them a run for their money.

Ever seen pregnant young teens? Complain all you want, but it's cheap labor.

Look ma, it works on two levels!!!

TheMeatmaker June 15, 2011 at 3:41 pm

The Red States do poorly because they spend their health dollars on ostomies, which is why they have the most assholes per capita.

inapewetrust June 15, 2011 at 3:46 pm

but but but but, we have the best health care system in the world! i heard a fat drug-addicted man shout that on the radio. hmm, data or loudmouth – who's a guy supposed to believe?!!?!

KeepFnThatChicken June 15, 2011 at 3:57 pm

*slurp-slurp-slurp-slurp*

weejee June 15, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Probly be more healthy less unhealthy to drink the E15 down at the gas station than the high fruct corn syrup slurpies.

note: thaz a joke folks. don't be drinkin' no gasoline, even with the ethanol added.

V572 [SSAN] June 15, 2011 at 4:16 pm

And no unions! Noted goat-fellator Mickey Kaus blames everything on unions and must be right, since he wrote a book once.

fishskicanoe June 15, 2011 at 4:28 pm

The problem is that most of those folks believe whatever happens is in god's hands. Whether you live past 65 has nothing to do with what you eat or how much exercise you get, its due to whether Jesus takes a shine to you or not. Why wear a seatbelt when everyone knows that when your time's up you're going to punch out no matter what you do?

Geminisunmars June 15, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Cheney's un-dead status is skewing the Fairfax, Virginia figures.

GregComlish June 15, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Plus they have all those guns to keep them extra, extra safe

SorosBot June 15, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Especially now that they can wear them concealed to bars in many of those states, there's no way that hasn't caused any unnecessary deaths; not to mention the fact that the only way to go to a bar in rural areas is usually to drive, meaning you have to drive back, that can't make those areas more dangerous to live in than cities.

pinkocommi June 15, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Shhhhhh…. Talk like this is going to undermine the belief in American exceptionalism. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

mourningnmerica June 15, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Water is wet.

zhubajie June 15, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Jesus is taking them home!

zhubajie June 15, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Too true. Can't take a chance on another Sioux Revolt or something.

ttommyunger June 15, 2011 at 7:14 pm

"Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc." …as published in "Duh" Magazine.

Numbat_Dundee June 15, 2011 at 7:29 pm

No snark on this one just boring facts. I read an analysis on a British website which explained why America spends so much more on healthcare and it's not actually because of rich people remodelling their genitalia (much as that image is delightful). Apparently the difference is all down to "administration costs" – marketing and debt collection in particular, activities which are unnecessary when healthcare is free. So, what you get when you free up something for private enterprise is a bloated bureaucracy. Suck on THAT Ayn Rand.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Not to mention Health Insurance company profits — hardly necessary in a rational health care system.

x111e7thst June 15, 2011 at 7:56 pm

At least our rapidly slipping life expectancy is not being rationed by government bureaucrats.

LetUsBray June 15, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I thought that was Cheney?

calibrit June 15, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Uh, I think you're confusing Yahweh with Eru Iluvatar.

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 4:25 am

I guess this is PalinCare.

Negropolis June 16, 2011 at 4:39 am

I was actually expecting far more. And, in general, in Oklahoma, most of the counties were the white Ozarks and near the Texas border when you'd expect them to be clustered around the Osage Reservation.

In the nation as a whole, most of the counties were in the white Appalachians or black Delta and Deep South.

bloodandirony June 16, 2011 at 10:51 am

Ironically those parts of the country are where all the politicians who want to _raise_ the retirement age come from.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Once they raise it to where nobody gets to, it's "mission accomplished".

MinAgain June 16, 2011 at 6:00 pm

All over the country, but especially in Appalachia, the South, and Texas.

That's only because the anti-union, anti-gay, anti-woman Tea Party has sapped our will to live.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 9:42 pm

If I had to live down there, I'd be grateful to God for taking me sooner.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 18, 2011 at 10:06 pm

All the Dems have to do is make it clear that the GOP platform is "no scooter for you." Once that message gets through, the Repukes are toast.

SexySmurf June 15, 2011 at 3:15 pm

"Where are the jobs? And I don't mean the kind you give to Wall Street executives."

Grief_Lessons June 15, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Tits or GTFO.

Goonemeritus June 15, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Wonkette needs a new picture for the up coming election, see if you can get him to pose doing a black power salute.

All kidding aside you have my thanks for donating.

hooray4anything June 15, 2011 at 3:26 pm

How many times do you bang your head against your desk in frustration a day? Just once? Twice? Every hour? None since your doctor prescribed Paxil around the time the health care debate started?

axmxz June 15, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I was *this* close to donating before I came to my senses. Who's he running against?

…Exactly.

finallyhappy June 15, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Why is the FBI investigating non-violent peace activists when there are so many violent groups in this country?

GOPCrusher June 15, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Nut up or Shut up.

LetUsBray June 15, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Why doesn't Glenn Beck ever get beat up by the Secret Service?

hooray4anything June 15, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Just you wait on jobs- as soon as the Republicans get rid of the EPA, there'll be so many jobs we'll actually invite Day Laborers in to help fill them.

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