Important fundamentalist Baptist official Albert Mohler has some unsolicited advice for Anthony Weiner: Why not worship the real god, Jesus, instead of that Jew god you claim to love so much. It’s a good point! Fundamentalist Christian guys almost never send Twitter pictures of their genitals to women, because most fundamentalist Christian men are homosexuals. But would “switching sides” from Jew to Christian somehow make Weiner become homosexual, too? Experts are torn, the way a Baptist leader is torn between loving his fat wife or loving that smooth young Puerto Rican boy down at the beach resort. Also, did you know Anthony Weiner might be a secret Muslim? This was the wingnut opinion the other day, before it turned out that Weiner really just needs to embrace Jesus, in that way.
One of the nation’s most prominent evangelicals has entered the debate over whether Anthony Weiner will benefit from therapy, encouraging the embattled Jewish New York congressman to try Jesus instead.
Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, tweeted this message of the weekend: “Dear Congressman Weiner: There is no effective ‘treatment’ for sin. Only atonement, found only in Jesus Christ.” The tweet set some tongues a wagging, especially because Weiner is Jewish.
“Tongues wagging,” CNN? Do you people have to write about how you’re jacking off to this? Ugh. [CNN]
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Goodness knows that Jeebus-worshipping men never have a problem with sex scandals.
Not since JC spurned Mary Magdelene.
amen sister!
Don't go with the Baptist. If you tweet pics of your "vein cane" while standing up they might just accuse you of dancing.
"Standing" is the default position for Baptist Preachers, my dear.
Oh wait, you meant erect. No, wait, you meant as opposed to kneeling, oh nevermind.
Where were Vitter and Ensign living when Tom Coburn was "counseling" them on the sexual indiscretions?
Throwing the first stone? Talking to the Burning Bush?
As a gay, and a lapsed/former Catholic, I would choose Jew over Southern Baptist in an instant.
Better food.
Much bigger dicks.
I don't know, I think Southern Bapists are pretty big dicks.
There's an enormous difference between being and having in this case. It's an inverse relationship, actually.
It's true for the women too; much better chance of them being a geek, less likely to be fat, and unlikely to have stupid big pouffy hair that's been out of style for decades. Oh and there's the whole not belonging to a hate-filled, bigoted religion.
Being of the tribe, I feel I can safely say that there's a lot of fat Jewish women out there.
Much of the Jewish population between the coasts is widely conservative and bigoted, if not more so than Christians. Detroit's Jewish population being an exception to the rule.
Oh please. The only difference between Jews and Southern Baptists is that with Southern Baptists, you never have to discuss who's going to be the bottom.
I'm not gay, but that drawing of Jesus is kind of sexy.
Interesting conversations
Still checking out that Chthulhu thing, myself.
Jews for Jesus, Weiner!
There is no such thing as a Jew for Jesus, As the saying goes, shit or get off the pot.
Jesus was a Jew for Jesus. Lots of his friends, too.
Yeah, but they were the very last ones. Ever since Paul figured out the Gentiles had better food.
Mmmm, altar meats. Sacrilicious!
Seriously though, I think Paul's non-Jewishness is overcalled. For the first two centuries AD lots of people (and probably Paul too) would have identified with the Jesus movement and called themselves Jews.
Juice for Jesus!
This is why David Vitter gets a free pass; and why the right wingnuts hate the jews when they're not using them for political gain.
If the religious right is in "batten-down-the-hatches" mode, Joe Lieberman could fuck Amy Grant and Francisca Battistelli on NBC primetime — in the ass — and get away with it. Maybe this is what Weiner should do… instead of getting treatment, he should attend church with Rev. Hagee.
Alt-text SWOOOOON! Awesome, well done, Wonkette Jr. person.
Seconded. All in favor?
Real Christians are generally so much fatter than Congressman Weiner that their Little Members remain decorously concealed by rolls of flab.
Oh! It's not just a love of cheap anus burgers, but obesity in the name of modesty. For Jeebus!
I thought Xtians believe you can effectively treat homosecksuals. And they think the buttsecksing is a sin. Gobbleygobbley…whaaaa?
Imagine Jeebuses frustration. All that time he had to tweet pics of himself using shrouds, pieces of toast, and geological formations. How do we know Weiner's not the new Jeebus?
He's 100% right. No prominent christian evangelical has ever gotten into trouble, especially of the sex-related variety. Ted Haggert, Oral (What a great name, Oral) Roberts, Jim Bakker, The Others. None have fallen short in the eyes of God, ever. So, I think this guy is on to something.
The FFRF (Freedom From Religion Foundation) paper has a page-and-a-half each issue of mostly pastors and priests who are embroiled in just such scandals and crimes. Small print.
And you haven't even touched on the ones who got caught with boys.
I see what you did there!
And don't forget Henry Ward Beecher, 1875. A glorious tradition.
and for the love of God, stop drinking the blood of Christian babies!
But, it's so much fresher than the Jesus blood and that Jesus flesh is just dry as a cracker.
Eat my body and drink my blood… bitches.
We do not drink the blood- we bake it into Passover matzos- really, get the blood libel correct!!!
You say blood of Christian babies, I say fine Cabernet Franc.
Do they even know that Jesus was a Jew?
That does not compute.
They just don't make Jews like Jesus anymore.
Well, look what they did to the last one!
Well, the good news about being Baptist is you can fuck up six days a week and still get saved on Sunday. It's the most hypocritical bullshit scam in human history, but still in line to advise Presidents and Congress.
And Catholics don't even have to wait until Sunday to receive redemption, but they aren't real Xtians, so it doesn't count.
I understant he recently changed his name from Albert Mohel.
Cutting response!
Good snippet.
Thank you, thank you; don't forget to leave a nice tip for your waitress.
Mann Coulter requests perfected tweeted dick pics.
Pay no attention Mr. Weiner. Just apologize to wifey and have hawt make-up sex.
Holy Writ definitely needs to keep up with the latest tech trends.
Pud libel? Stud libel?
Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo stick.
Don't these Fundamentalist Baptist know that every other religion laughs at them? They're like the Cleveland Browns of Faiths. All talk and stupid fans but never getting the big win.
Southern Baptists are the largest single Protestant denomination in the United States. It's more like laughing at the Dodgers.
Still waiting for the second coming of Bernie Kosar… hey… wait a minute!
I can no longer follow you. STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This year will be different.
(Bumper sticker on Harold Camping's car.)
My weiner is my God and I pray to it daily. And no, you can't have pics of my God.
what about cartoon representations?
Golden cast idols of it, maybe? (Dildos with spray paint?)
Hieroglyphics?
So I guess the over/under on this story is that Rev. Mohler wants to see weiner pics of muscular Jesus, amirite?
Weiner could have learned some valuable lessons if he'd studied Jesus – like the ugly incident where Judas tweeted those embarrassing uprobe shots of the messiah.
I'm holding off judgment until I see the follow-up segment from CNN's Atonement ireporter.
I was going to quote some lyrics from One True God by the Austin Lounge Lizards, but then I realized it would just be a humorous mask for the bitter bitter hate I have for these assholes.
this post was just asking for a blood libel joke. i mean look at the way Jesus is dressed.
Black or White. Jew Christian or Muslim. Can't we all agree that God loves a dick shot?
Okay, I understand the article, but why is there a drawing of Jason Werth topless getting hit in the head with a WW1 beach ball?
Or is that Thor showing his "Thor-obbing gristle"?
That's well-hung Jesus. That's the newest design feature to appeal to the Republican readers of teh Wonkette. They won't find that on Politico.
"One of the nation’s most prominent evangelicals"
Fifteen inches, at least.
How do we know God's real if we can't see it.
pics or it didn't happen!
You stole my line on prom night.
I challenge Mr. Mohler, as the biblical literalist he is, to show me where the bible says Tweeting underwear pics is a sin. There are a lot of sins in there, but I don't remember this being one of them.
It's in the subsection under "Coveting thy neighbor's ass."
As I recall, it's only a sin if your daughters see you nekkid – before they seduce you while you're in a drunken stupor.
I love the R. Crumb illustrations of this episode.
If the underpants are made of a cotton-synthetic blend, it's an abomination.
That is very bad news for MItt Romney.
Well the 9th commandment says not to covet thy neighbor's wife, but I think these were all single girls so any coveting was OK; and the rule is specifically gendered and only applies to wives, so ladies and gay men go ahead and covet all the married dudes you want (but sorry lesbians you're in the same boat as us straight men).
…while you are…?
(please say "closet atheist". please let me not be alone in my alone-ness.)
There's an old adage, I think, "There are no atheists in closets." Or somewhere.
I am an moderately agnostic atheist.
I can resist anything but temptation… good thing confession will wipe my soul clean on Sunday.
Whiskey Friday does that for me…
That's your memory, not your soul.
What would Jesus tweet?
More atweetment, less atonement.
Hurray!
I knew there was more than one Wonkettes, Jr.
When do you come out, as it were?
~
Extemperanus, dat you?
Pentecostals.
But would “switching sides” from Jew to Christian somehow make Weiner become homosexual, too?
The theory that Saul remained a closeted homoseckshual even after becoming Paul the Apostle, would explain a lot of what followed in his dogmatic, mercurial scribblings, IMO.
It could be attributed to just one wee fatal translating error if the "scales fell from his eyes" alluded instead to self-revelation — NOT involving a god-shaped vacuum after all — yet the convert successfully evades confronting his own personal, incontrovertible inner realities, as usual.
Yeah, turning to Jesus, That's ALWAYS worked.
Hell yeah he needs to convert to Jeebus, that crazy little horny Weiner man.
Callista Gingrich is taking an hour off from her endless hair appointment to send over two perfectly waxed alterboys to start the conversion off right.
Stand firm in the face of all these do-gooders, Weiner! Don't let the bastards get you down.
Looks like the Jeebusmeisters have been
hoist by their own petard; and 't shall go hardheisted by their own spittoon; and gotta go to the pharm for a case of Viagra.Mr. Mohler then returned to rentboy.com where he was trying to procure a sherpa to carry his luggage on his next trip to South Beach.
I grew up in the deep south, and the root cause of my agnosticism is my time living among Southern Baptists. True story.
Amen!
Just like Mark Twain!
Where would Jesus wag his tongue?
It's a long ride back from Africa; I wonder what Hillary and Huma spoke about on the flight. Perhaps the Weiner-Abedin family's forthcoming conversion from Islamo-Judeo-Atheism to Wingnutto-Christianity.
I'm sure the advice was to shorten the leash, by about 99%. One more tweet, even to his grandmother, and he can collect his stuff out on the front lawn.
Meh. What everybody needs to start noticing is that it is the Buddhists who tend not to make troubles for the world, and the other people in it.
No, that's far from the case! You just haven't been following Burma and Sri Lanka in the news, or reading article likes "I was a Tantric Sex-slave" (http://www.iivs.de/~iivs01311/EN/deba02.html). Take it for granted that all those 9 year old boys conscripted to live in lamasaries in the old days got introduced to the butt-secks, too.
But I thought the fundies like to support and drone on about"Judeo-Christian" values; this makes it seem like the "Judeo" part is really just a pretense to make them appear slightly less bigoted.
"some of my best friends are…"
..Judeo Christians.
"this makes it seem like the "Judeo" part is really just a pretense to make them appear slightly less bigoted."
Yeah, "seem like".
They don't pronounce the silent "former" in former-Judeo, Christian.
(The comma gets glossed over, too.)
To balance the scales, maybe some Christians should jerk-off to pics of Weiner's wife?
She doesn't really do it for me and I'm not Christian but I do like the concept.
Done!
Works for me.
What's odd with some of these scandals is that the wife is so often a 10… and the other woman (when it is a woman) is far from it. I mean, check out Ahnold's "babe", and Ensign's. There's this urge to call the guy and ask: "Dude — really?"
Are those the followers of John the Baptist, the one who lost his head? Was it ever clear which head he lost?
Opinions differ; some believe the text said "gave him head," not "lost his head."
There are at least two JB heads (that I know of) preserved in various collections.
“Dear Congressman Weiner: There is no effective ‘treatment’ for sin. Only atonement, found only in Jesus Christ.”
Unless of course you count that whole "Throwing some rocks" thing.
"Unless of course you count that whole "Throwing some rocks" thing."
Are there any…
women…
here?
Stories like that make me realize why I haven't set foot in a Southern Baptist church, except for a couple weddings, in probably 30 years. Not even to make nice with the family members. I once went with a boyfriend, and after what I thought was a routine sermon, we left and he said "I had NO IDEA that I am that evil".
When we were looking for child care facilities we went to the open house for Baptist school's day care/school. Holy shit – I would have left during the opening.
After the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag, they had the Pledge of Allegiance to the Christian flag (never heard of that) AND THEN they had a Pledge to the Bible. Granted this was in Texas but it still seemed over the top.
How is that not child abuse?
Oh wait …. Texas. Never mind.
And now Rep. Keith Ellison should tweet that Weiner could get a better deal if he becomes Muslim.
"Southern Baptist Theological Seminary"
That's four really bad words strung together.
That's "Semenary."
"That's what being a protestant is all about… I can go down the road anytime I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud and steady voice, "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom, in fact today I think I'll have a French Tickler for I am a protestant."
Thumbs for the MOL reference. Although modern protestants seem to have converted to the "every sperm is sacred" school of thought.
No shit, those "Full Quiver" freaks are fuckin' scary. Like giant, angry rabbits with guns.
First they had Shakers, that went extinct because they refused to have sex. Now we got Xtians fucking like mink because they're afraid they are losing ground to other religions.
Makes me proud to be a Druid.
Only the evangelicals; the Presbyterians/Anglicans and Lutherans are generally pretty reasonable, excluding their silly mythological claims.
Don't forget the Unitarians. They're practically atheists, except of course for the God thing.
What would Jesus tweet?
Which one?
Supply side Jesus?
Wild west Mormon six shooter Jeses?
Mary, Mother of God's son Jesus?
Born in BethlehemTemple Tantrum Jesus?
or just Je'sus?
Simply put…Weiner should stop cock worshipping.
And start flogging the Bishop.
Certainly needs to stop worshipping his own.
Strangely enough, maybe he needs to get out more.
I think someone should track down JimmyJeff Guckert to add his voice to the hysteria that Weiner's dick pix are an embarassment and he should be forced to retire in shame.
Just for the LOLWUT???
Since he was putting the pork into Huma, does that make it Halal meat?
Strong ending 'graf, Jr..
" fundamentalist christians are all paedophiles… "
fixed…
Jesus rocks — he's just like that overly permissive parent that all his fundie followers keep saying is destroying our society. But he's in heaven, so it's cool for some reason. Then again, heaven is probably a meth-fueled sopping wet rock-n-roll orgy all the time.
"heaven is probably a meth-fueled sopping wet rock-n-roll orgy all the time"
??
You'd think they could afford coke.
So long as I get 72 girls who really know what they're doing, coffee is fine.
Lordy. If I knew Jesus had such a hawt bod, I'd have been in church last Sunday instead of swimming nude in my pool.
We know that but some of us elderly Ashkenzi fellows have problems with the distinctly not Ashkenazi fellow at 1600 PA Ave. Plus Jews are officially White now in coastal America.
guangho who thinks every Jew in NYC should be required to spend at least one year in Cameron, Missouri or perhaps Destrahan, Louisiana, or maychance Richardson County, Nebraska in order to gain insight into how real Americans view them.
I know how real Amuricans view us -plenty of Jew haters move to the big city(or just grew up here). My daughter had to hear in high school how Jews murdered Christ- frequently from Latino kids- so it isn't only the "white" real American christians who hate us.
My all-time favorite was a corpulent lad of the Caucasian persuasion who asked me if I go to Jewlane University.
No no no, that's not how it works. The only thing a Jew can do for these people is report to Israel for end-times judging and eternal roasting by a jealous and vengeful God.
>Only atonement, found only in Jesus Christ.
You mean it isn't found in West African blood diamonds? Someone should let the Right Rev. Pat Robertson know.
Anyway he's wrong; I just found Atonement through Amazon. Didn't order though, as it looked like boring, pretentious Oscar-bait.
Blood libation.
Oh yes, find Jesus is easy to say Mr Baptist leader.
But does he get his 4skin back?
You know, when your religion agrees on a point with Scientology, it might be time to re-examine your religion…
god this is just embarrassing for all involved.
Maybe this marketing strategy is way over my head, but I've never understood how being a self-assured bigot is somehow supposed to entice people over to play on your Jesus team.
Even though the team had to drop that cool-looking pointy hood from the uniform, it's still enticing to some people.
And there are more than enough Jews who buy into the whole "doomsday cult" scenario in order to keep the dollars flowing.
Does your wife know about "us"?
She does and she wants to "save" you.
Completely agree. My Dad's family were Baptists for Missouri. I gathered from their discussions that all the Jews were good for was deli food.
what about our banking ability and world control?
Tweet Your Penis
Find Salvation in Jesus
Can I get a witness, brother!
Evangelical Xtians are not friends to anyone, outside their particular cult. They even hate other evangelical xtians.
Good thing, too, or they'd be even more dangerous than they are now.
How can you have any pudding, if you don't tweet your meat?
You have to admit all David Vitter had to do was say sorry to Christ and Mr. Diaperman was ready to start pooping his pampers and frequenting whores with immunity. No one even made him leave Congress because Jesus is his BFF.
That's the REAL attraction of the conversion: Tell Christian God, "Oops. My bad." and he gives you a stern look, then chuckles, winks, and send you on your way. Jewish God, in contrast, never forgets — in fact, he sides with your wife.
Aqua Bhudda?
Maybe he should "sin boldly" as Luther recommended? Of course Luther hated Jews even more than he did Bapists.
And all about Gawd's dick?
You don't have to spend too much time in a Southern Baptist Church to come to the realization that spending an eternity with them would be Hell. Period.
I kinda think spending an eternity in Heaven would be Hell. If it's anything like described, it's incredibly boring.
We will all know one way or the other soon enough.
Sinners are much more fun (It's in the Book of Joel.)
Matthew, Mark, Luke and DUCK!
This dickwad didn't have to shoot his mouth off. They just do that for the publicity, not knowing or caring that it reveals them to be the judgmental self-righteous assholes they are. This is bad religion, bad PR and bad business, but Al will go home, pull down his pants, sit on the crapper and brag to his long-suffering wife in the other room how he dressed down a Congressman today. Pathetic.
Evangelicals LUV them some Israelis, as long as they're beatin' up the A-rabs.
I have a feeling Hagar was hot!
That must leave a lot of quiet Sunday mornings home alone while she's in church for 3.5 hours. Great time for football watchin' about 20 days a year.
You say it like it's funny, but they actually told us that in Sunday school.
John the Baptist did the deed.
Needs moar mullet.
I've been waiting for this to pull the anti-Semites out of the woodwork. Took 'em long enough.
I think Jesus said something about if your penis sins, to cut it off, or something.
I can see where Pharisee types might not be down with that.
yeah because that 52% divorce rate of Southern Baptists really shows their morality!
This is one of the worst cases of bullying that I have ever seen. It was conducted by members of Congress and a schittfaced, gossip-mongering excuse for a media cheered on by a bunch of middle school bullies Twittering their own bile. I'm sure that he can do without advice from a fundamentalist jerkoff, preacher man.
They must have left this stuff out of the Cliff Notes.
There's also a completely extrabiblical notion that Christians (of course only of the evangelical, fundamentalist variety) superseded the Jews as the "chosen people." "Replacement Theology," I think. It's based on a totally out-of-context interpretation of Paul. </extreme theological geekiness>
Of course. Because nothing cures you of sexual "deviancy" like kneeling before a mostly naked, leanly muscled 30-something who was tied to a post and whipped by Roman centurions. Not that there's anything wrong with that. At all.
(with apologies to Earth: the Book)
The dick has to go somewhere. It's an either-or arrangement; you can't have both.
Son … you're on your own.
I knew some Wonketeer would get it!
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