dept. of fakers

Rick Perry’s Strong Faith Instructs Him To Give Almost Nothing To Charity

just don't bring the collection plate near himTexas Governor Rick Perry’s National “Prayer-a-palooza” abdication ceremony is now officially doomed to failure, because Rick Perry has been holding out on God in the financial department by a serious margin. Rick Perry earned $2.68 million from 2000 to 2009, of which he donated 0.5% to charity. Regular Americans donate an average of 1.2% of their income, making Rick Perry below-averagely qualified to ask God to fix all his problems. Or maybe this is why Rick Perry wants to pray with all those other people, hoping God can sort of consider their giving cumulatively and give him a pass. “Our community has given so much, Lord” Perry can actually say, as long as he is not praying by himself.

From the Houston Chronicle:

The average cash charitable contribution from U.S. taxpayers in [Perry’s] income bracket was $6,529.

Perry gave $2,998 in cash to charity in 2008 – not including a pay raise from the Legislature that his staff said he would donate to charity instead of keeping. The governor’s pay jumped from $115,000 to $150,000 after legislative action in 2007.

In the 2008 tax year, he gave $34,988 to charity from that pay raise – $9,996 each to March of Dimes; Texas Association Against Sexual Assault (where his wife is a $65,000-a-year consultant), and the Special Operations Warrior Foundation; and $5,000 to the Mansion Restoration project.

The following year, the amount of money that went to charity from his raise dropped to $20,000.

He promised to give his raise to charity and actually did so for one year only. Is that something public figures do, give themselves huge raises during a recession, promise to give the raise to charity and then not do that? Rick Perry is going to need so many people at this rally that God refuses to screw them all over just to teach Rick Perry a lesson about being a stingy jerk.  [Houston Chronicle; h/t “Charles C.”]

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  1. bokononista

    Well maybe if Ole Rick Perry does not giveth, the Lord will not taketh away his God given right to lead.

    1. Redhead

      Charity doesn't have the parts downstairs that Perry's interested in.

      Now, Charity's five-year-old son is another story

  2. Rotundo_

    Verily I say unto thee, fuckest the poor, takest care of thine own self firstly and then help only those who believeth in me. Forsaketh the darker in hue, for they art responsible for their own fate. Voteth Republican and reapest thy reward in heaven.
    Supply Side Jesus as quoted by Saint Saul of Tarsus, financial advisor to the King of Kings in his letter to the Greedalonians.

    1. SarcasticNymph

      Brilliant, sir/madam, brilliant. This should be the doxology of every fundie bible-believin' church in Amurika.

  3. memzilla

    Governor Goodhair's taxpayer-paid-for limosine also has a WWAD bumper sticker ("What Would Ayn [rhymes with 'swine'"] Do?

  4. Callyson

    Texas Governor Rick Perry’s National “Prayer-a-palooza”…
    Rick Perry to God:
    Please, God, I pray that You keep the press from uncovering this latest evidence of my dickheadedness.
    God to Rick Perry:
    Bitch, please…

    1. memzilla

      I could see G-d, with Her Infinite Sense of Justice, cursing him with cancer that required chemotherapy, and all his hair falls out.

  5. DerrickWildcat

    To be fair,
    Lobotomy 19:21 says:

    Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, hoard that thou hast, and give jack shite to the poor, mocketh and belittle them and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

  6. MissTaken

    Oh thank goodness he gave to the Mansion Restoration project. Because when I give to charity I always make sure it's going to restore the homes of rich people who pay nothing in taxes. Just as Little Baby Jeebus taught me.

    1. Peace in our time

      "Oh thank goodness he gave to the Mansion Restoration project."

      He thinks that Charles Mansion can be rehabilitated?

      1. emmelemm

        Yeah, that was my thought. My charity is… installing marble bathrooms and solid gold toilets in my historic Governer's mansion! Yay!

        1. V572 [SSAN]

          You make your proudest and most sincere gifts, the ones that exhibit your true spirit and character, to those you love the most. In this case, yourself. Viz, the hair. Plus read his Wiki-bio. He’s in lerrve!

  7. samsuncle

    Richard Nixon once said that a political enemy of his "was as thin as piss on a rock". I think that is an appropriate description of Rick Perry too.

  8. PeaceWithHonor

    Rick will tell you we don't need a government safety net because non-profits will fill that role. He'll say it with a straight face.

  9. hagajim

    Typical Republican….wax on about how people give to charity so government doesn't need to help people….then they give nothing because they are selfish pricks.

    1. SarcasticNymph

      Or the people have no jobs and need help themselves. Also, "charity" esp. these churches, depend on qualifying for gov't funds to provide services, such as hot meals, clothing, counseling, and such.

  10. flamingpdog

    "I can forgive him for that if he were really strong on public policy from a faith standpoint," [Reverend] McElvaney said. "If his public policy really showed care and support for our children and single mothers and aging people and all the most vulnerable people …. that Jesus Christ was most concerned about."

    Republican Jesus is not HAPPY with you, Reverend McElvaney. The meek shall inherit the DIRT, and the rich shall be able to afford shrink rays so that their camels CAN fit through the eye of a needle; He knows who's gonna be laying the big checks on Him in Heaven.

  11. DahBoner

    Of all the places I've lived, Texas sure has the greediest people.

    Christian Conservative Republican Texans will consider this a compliment!!!

    1. Callyson

      Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures, the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.S.A.

  12. MissTaken

    "Texas Association Against Sexual Assault (where his wife is a $65,000-a-year consultant)"

    It's nice to see the charitable donations go out from one rich hand to lower one's tax burden just to be returned into the other rich hand, multiplied about 6 times or so. Tis the American Dream at its finest. Charity pays, indeed.

    1. SpurningBeer

      It's disturbing to find out that both Governor and Mrs. Perry are opposed to sexual assault. I thought they were pro-conception. (Not the cognitive kind. The fertilization kind.)

      1. Noman

        "Texas Association Against Sexual Assault (where his wife is a $65,000-a-year consultant)"

        That proves he's not as good as Obama, who got his wife a $300,000/yr job at a hospital basically for hosting parties for potential donors to his campaign, then got the US Senate to give the hospital $1,000,000.

        And when Mooshell left, they gave the party host duties back to the VP who handled them before she got there.

  13. imissopus

    We snark, but how many of us face the difficult choice between allocating our resources to the church collection plate or allocating them to Jim Bob's House O' Weaponry for a brand-new .10mm stainless steel Colt Delta Elite with black rubber hand grips and optional laser sight, plus a holster so we can strap that bad boy on when we go for our morning jog/raccoon hunt? Ricky needs that laser sight to ensure he doesn't miss blowing a raccoon away at ten paces.

    None of us. None of us face that decision. I say unto thee, Wonkette, let he who is without sin living in a glass house while not wearing underwear fire the first bullet. And then duck behind something, because you can get seriously cut by flying glass.

    1. Neilist_Returns

      The 10 mm is a P.O.S. cartridge.

      The new 5.7 mm is better.

      And how, in the name of all that is Holy (e.g., Gov. Perry's mane), did I get that many plus P points?

    2. zhubajie

      But if he TITHED to Creflo Dollar or Rod Parsley, G-d would pay him back 100 times over!

  14. Peace in our time

    Our'n high school football team got issef plenty o' them plagues and trophies!

  15. Callyson

    Response of the Texas Republican Party to this news story:
    Hey, if those charities need money, let them go out and get a job and earn it…I'm not subsidizing freeloaders here…
    And in a related story:
    Secession Favored By Half Of Texas Republicans: Poll
    Now, where's the poll on how many voters in the other 49 states favor Texas' secession…?

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Percentage of those 50% receiving unemployment comp, welfare, or social security?

      1. gurukalehuru

        I hope Janice Hahn is an improvement over Jane Harman, Queen of the phony liberals, but I find it seriously suspicious that they couldn't even find somebody with different initials.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yow–You *DID* send this to the tips email, too, I hope…hell, and to the Daily Show?

  16. Gopherit

    They say charity begins at home, and that's exactly where Rick wanted to contribute his money. All of this is consistent with Rick's Jesus, so you can all stop trying to make him feel bad because LALALAA HE IS NOT LISTENING TO YOU! Treasure bath!

      1. berkeleyfarm

        Well, yeah, but it's one of those things that a lot of people think is in it.

        A friend of mine teaches New Testament at a Catholic college. He gives his students a "what is/isn't from the Bible" quiz at the beginning. He plans to put "charity begins at home" and "God helps him who helps himself" on the next revision.

  17. Mort_Sinclair

    He looks like he just walked off the set of C.H.I.P.S. in that photo, channelling a little Erik Estrada.

  18. WhatTheHeck

    The Republican handbook is entitled: “Christianity and the Rise of Capitalism.”
    Read it and weep.

  19. OkieDokieDog

    Holy crap! I just started reading this when I saw a flash of light outside my window and KA-BOOM! the hellacious sound of thunder right over head. So, I think this means that Mother Nature is really po'd at Pretty Ricky.

  20. zhubajie

    Like a lot of professional born-agains, Perry worships a holy trinity of Mammon, Pontius Pilate, and Be'elzebub.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      He's going to like Hell what with Satan fucking him the ass, hard, for ALL ETERNITY and all. I know many of you think being Christian is silly, but I like being a Christian because I know my God is going to take assholes like Rick Perry to the woodshed big time and for a long time. For as long as all the time there is, in fact.

  21. Goonemeritus

    I think the bible says something about not harvesting your fields every seventh year. The bible commands us to leave the crop for the poor. I’m sure Rick uses Mexican gardeners more than once every seven years.

    1. zhubajie

      The OT has a lot of social welfare, social justice, teachings. Is. 3:15, for example, "why do you crush my people and grind the faces of the poor?"

      1. Nothingisamiss

        This is not a verse you see on many hand stiched signs, next to "God bless this house."

  22. donner_froh

    The average cash charitable contribution from U.S. taxpayers in [Perry's] income bracket was $6,529.

    That is an average from 2000 to 2009. The Bush tax cuts (renewed by you-know-who) were enacted in 2001 and 2003 and were most beneficial to those making over $250,000 per year–who still gave the princely sum of $500 per month and most of that was probably to their already cash swollen colleges.

    I think I need to quit reading Wonkette–or maybe just stop reading completely–since this crap is so infuriatingly obvious but so consistently ignored.

    Fuck Perry and the rest of the lackeys.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      I, for one, am not going to stand idly by while you piss all over trickle down. Oh, wait. Turns out that is exactly what I am going to do.

  23. ttommyunger

    Rick "Perfect Hair Forever" Perry gives in his own special way: Herpes, Migraines, anxiety attacks. He's a regular Santa Clause.

        1. flamingpdog

          Coffee breaks for union workers in their contract under the Sanka Clause. Not sorry. BWA HA HA HA!

  24. Dudleydidwrong

    This is Tithing Libel. Perry gives a great deal to God! His religion, however, is direct and forthright. Perry throws into the air the money from each paycheck. What the deity wants, He takes directly. What falls back to the earth belongs to Perry. "I guess God's pretty flush this week–looks like he left all of it for me."

    1. flamingpdog

      HA, if Perry were a true Texas Christian, he wouldn't believe in the theory of gravity.

  25. KeepFnThatChicken

    12 Cursed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall die of hunger and thirst,
    13 because absolutely everybody hates their guts,
    14 And if I'm lying about that, what is he doing up there on that cross?

    Ult. Vinnie 59:5-21

  26. Mumbletypeg

    The Judeo-Christian God is traditionally a jealous God. With little tolerance for gestures of supplication that transgress into heathen territory like rain-dances. Face it Perry: the Elohim can see, along with everyone else, even the best witch doctor
    cannot do
    that voodoo
    like your hairdo.

    1. carlgt1

      holy mackerel, that "Conservative Bible Project" is just so foul — because everybody needs a Jesus without any liberal tendencies such as compassion!

  27. carlgt1

    these sanctimonious Repukes consider the tithe to their politically-connected-yet-tax-free-churches as their "charity"

  28. berkeleyfarm

    I am wondering if either his long-suffering wife or his apparently silent boyfriend has a charge account some place very nice that Rick pays for.

  29. AJWjr.

    Aren't these christofascists bound by god to pony up a 10% flat tax tithe to the church of their choice?

    1. iburl

      That's for the plebes, rich people have better things to do with their money, like, creating jobs (for prostitutes).

    2. zhubajie

      Yes, they are, but since they actually worship Be'elzebub, Mammon and Potius Pilate, they do their tithing at bars, lesbo-bondage clubs, and under-age brothels in Mexico.

    3. mumbly_joe

      Well, that only applies to the ones who aren't Chosen. Chosen, who can tell, because they're extremely wealthy and powerful, because God was all about using material prosperity to show that you're good with him, can do whatever the fuck they want, including hiring hookers and rentboys and *calling* that charity, because they're already Chosen.

      And the kicker is, these wingtards actually think that this makes them Christian.

  30. [redacted]hse

    If Perry, the epitome of self-aggrandizing lunatic pig-fucking hypocrites, isn't vaporized by a bolt from on high at his little Christ-a-thon I will accept my atheism as gospel.

    1. emmelemm

      They say you can't prove a negative, but if G-d doesn't strike that fucker down, then he does not exist, period.

  31. iburl

    Rick Perry, Rick Scott and Rick Snyder.
    Three governors with an invisible "P" at the beginning of their names.

  32. TX_Bluebonnets

    OK, let's stop Texas bashing. I know it's easy, and even deserved, but it ain't gonna help or do anything except alienate people who MIGHT be persuadable.

    Rick Perry is not well like in many parts of My Beloved Texas. His name was used as a curse by teachers and administrators at my kid's elementary school, where his insanity has led to us having a 100% private PTA donation funded and parent-taught elementary school art program.

    And that was BEFORE this year's giant clusterfuck race to the bottom budget cuts. This year: my kid's kindergarden class had 17 students.
    Predicted for her first grade class: 22.

    God help the ADHD kid, or the different learner. Perry wants to fire every single one of the non-teacher staff people at the schools–that way, class sizes could remain the same. Never mind that you need nurses, and reading specialists, and–believe it or not–principals and assistant principals, who contribute in profound ways to civilizing the Lord of the Flies savages that enter every morning.

    You can't blame all of us for him. Stop it.

    1. JustPixelz

      "You can't blame all of us for him. Stop it."

      You got it TX BBs.

      When I hear Rick Perry speak and look at him squinty eyed, I flashback to George W Bush. He should run for POTUS on that basis alone: "A vote for me is a vote for more Bush."

    2. [redacted]hse

      I can understand your being defensive, but get real. Texas keeps electing these cretins- nobody else is responsible. When we see things like the textbooks debacle we have to wonder what kinds of ignorant trash keep electing moronic theocrats to run the place. I sympathize with you, but when the majority of voters keep choosing these types how can you say it's not really Texas?
      Unfortunately for you this is the Texas that Texans have chosen to present to the rest of us. And it IS ugly.

  33. TX_Bluebonnets

    BTW, the school librarian–an almost 30 year employee–retired too. Can't have literate people high up in their pay grades. Especially not readers.

    P.S. The local food bank is out of food. Soylent Green is made of people.

    1. HistoriCat

      I'm surprised no one has suggested Soylent Brown – no one will miss those illegal immigrants anyway.

  34. TX_Bluebonnets

    I, personally, am hoping that he throws his hat into the ring. Not only will it muss his legendary hair, but the beat down given to him by people that live outside of My Beloved Texas may make the past decade worthwhile. Other state's Republicans and Christian conservatives are less forgiving of his hypocrisy–sorry, I mean 'complexity'–of character.

    And it will get him the hell out of here so we could at least have a shot at fixing things before it's all beyond redemption.

  35. Nixon_So_Fine

    I have to say the ALTs are getting genuinely better, new girl; still much much much room for improvement. Oh, and welcome, BTW! (See what I did there…a l'il vinegar, a l'il sugar…a l'il vinegar, a LOT of vinegar. WELCOME to Wonkette!!!111!!eleven!one!!)

    Needs moar RILEY!

    1. zhubajie

      Drag Queens in Texas! The mind boggles! Maybe someone needs to make a TX version of "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"!

  36. berkeleyfarm

    OK, how do I do the hyperlink thing? HTML markup, or cut and paste? Because the title line has put that Broadway song "I Believe In Me" into my brain.

  37. Negropolis

    Only slightly related, but former Governor Jennifer Granholm here in Michigan routinely either gave back 5% to 10% of her salary (to show she was sacrificing when she had to make budget cuts), or gave to charity that much during her entire eight year reign, I think. Albeit, Michigan's governor is one of the highest paid governorships in the nation, but neither she nor her husband were individually wealthy.

    Perry is an utter cheapskate.

  38. Negropolis

    **crossing fingers** Please let it be locusts….

    They've already got the water turning to blood in the Rio Grande downriver of Juarez, so they are kind of running out of plagues.

  39. Negropolis

    So, it's been bugging me for years that Rick Perry looks so familiar, and I think I finally figured out why. He looks like the honest-to-goodness love child of Ronald McDonald and Churck Norris as Walker Texas Ranger.

  40. axmxz

    I was going to sit this one out, on account of donating less than the national average myself, but "Mansion Restoration project"? Did he hire some Mexicans to fix his gutters and write it off the taxes? And more importantly, can I rename my 1-bdrm a "mansion" and do likewise?

  41. V572 [SSAN]

    Oh Gubernor Blago-hair, please, please run for presnident. There has got to be some juicy oil-patch gossip on you, and whoever you screwed in this deal or that has just been waiting for the right moment to let it fly. And your Wiki-ography is such a blatant testimony to your exaggerated self-esteem. An Eagle Scout! Imagine that! And a degree in "Animal Science" from A&M, where you were a "yell leader."

    You want executive experience? How 'bout this: "As Agriculture Commissioner, Perry was responsible for promoting the sale of Texas farm produce to other states and foreign nations and supervising the calibration of weights and measures, such as gasoline pumps and grocery store scales."

    Finally, America can have an Aggie president.

    1. Negropolis

      Wait, he was a cheerleader in college like Dubya? What is it with these Texas governors? Texas is one state that could benefit greatly from gubernatorial term limits. The state is way too populous to have a person running it for more than two consecutive terms. Too much power to abuse, and too many people it'd affect.

        1. Negropolis

          BTW, I wanted to say "Run, Rick; run." I want to see this guy damaged, nationally. Texas independents (and Republicans, too) need to see – or at least be reminded in a big way – of how fake Texas Dems already know this guy to be.

          1. V572 [SSAN]

            Especially since he usta be one of ‘em! Doesn’t really count, though, as he grew up in the Solid South era, when Dems below the Mason-Dixon line were the only political party.

  42. Terry

    Remember that Perry is a good old Texas Fundy. They believe that it is enough to say you are saved, you don't have to do all that pesky stuff in the Bible like feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, giving comfort to prisoners, clothing the naked, etc.

    1. donner_froh

      These weird fundamentalists–incredibly smug, arrogant and stupid people who feel entitled skip all the hard parts in their own scripture because they have a feeling they are saved–a feeling that might be a hot flash, a gas bubble or a precursor to a stroke.

  43. zhubajie

    A while back, I read a SF novel, in which California legislators were required to be tested, annually, for syphilis of the brain. Should we make this part of the US constitution as well?

  44. jonzin

    You all do realize that he's going to run for president, right? He will probably win, too. After all, this is a country that elected Cheney twice! Or at least allowed him to take office twice. I think it's time to start drinking.

  45. Billmatic

    I dispute the use of the word "earn" most stringently in regards to the unfathomable concept of politicians making that kind of money while in office. Please use the words make, take or steal from now on. Thank you.

  46. DaRooster

    "Is that something public figures do, give themselves huge raises during a recession, promise to give the raise to charity and then not do that?"

    Now that's a silly question.

  47. hargisP

    The Author of the aricle fails to realize that God doen't bless us because we give or not give. And fails to realize that Perry could very well be giving to his Church also, not just Charity. How many Charities can be trusted? Also the article said the average person gives 1.2% to charity compared to his .5% which i find hard to believe. They are going according to what people say they give which is more than likely way off. More like a .1% in giving to charity by the public if that. It is a personal matter between God and the giver, not the world. What a Christian gives is between God and that Christian. Which liberals hate. They are like Satan they like to boast about what they do with other peoples money, not thier own.

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