Stripped of any media handlers, Newt Gingrich’s new press relations strategy is to stand silently and stare at the press when they corner him and shout questions at him. Come on, Newt, at least make jokes. But no, Newt is the saddest marshmallow clown alive, and he will instead offer tragic incoherent literary perspectives about himself and his candidacy during policy speeches, and then tell the press to go cover that. Very well, Newt! Speaking to the Republican Jewish Coalition, Newt ventured a Faulknerian perspective on his flagging candidacy:

[Gingrich] said, “As someone who has been in public life for nearly 40 years, I know full well the rigors of campaigning for public office. In fact, I’ve had some recent reminders. If I could paraphrase Faulker’s Nobel Prize speech: I will endure the challenges. I will carry the message of American renewal to every part of this great land, no matter what it takes. And with the help of every American who wants to change Washington, we will prevail.”

That is exactly what Faulkner was discussing in his speech about the importance of poetry in preserving human civilization. He was saying that Newt Gingrich will rise from the ashes of his self-implosion to change the cynical political system he helped create.

Here is the section from Faulkner’s Nobel speech that Gingrich mauled:

I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet’s, the writer’s, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honor and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past. The poet’s voice need not merely be the record of man, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help him endure and prevail.

Yes, there are a lot of things in there about traveling the country alone blathering into the wind after all your friends have deserted you, to save humanity. [ABC News]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Barb

    "He was saying that Newt Gingrich will rise from the ashes …."
    Decoded: Callista found a high end jewelry store in Phoenix.

    • nounverb911

      Are the Arizona wild fires heading west yet?

  • "As my campaign lays dying…"

    • Mumbletypeg

      "You, Cash."

      "…No not you — I meant, CA$H…"

    • emmelemm


    • SarahsBush

      Or wife, but whatever.

    • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

      My mother is a newt.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Definitely for the win.

  • FNMA

    Newt is the new Benjy.

    • Giveusabob

      Gotta respectfully disagree here. Benjy's imbicilism came w/o choice due to his autism.

      Newt, on the other hand, took a stroll to the Idiot Store and asked for the volume discount.

    • baconzgood

      If only he were Quentin.

    • finallyhappy

      Such a sweet dog

  • PabaBritannica

    Sound and the Fury was actually about Tea Party Protests and Light in August was about American Exceptionalism.

    • Is that what The Sound and the Fury was about? Cuz I thought it was about racism and misogyny.

      Oh wait.

  • Mahousu

    I know full well the rigors of campaigning for public office. In fact, I’ve had some recent reminders.
    Indeed, once on his recent cruise, the wine steward brought a 2004 Côte-Rôtie rather than the 2003. Unbearable.

    • chicken_thief

      But he still sent Calista topside so he could fuck the shit out of the idiot steward.

  • Radiotherapy

    Oh, I get it Newt: Obama = Joe Christmas.

    Or, as I said last night: Newt does it without a staff.

    • Yes it is more of a toothpick and with hiz belly he hasn't seen it in years.

  • Newt needz to listen to the Stones' Sartre Me Up and embrace exitentialism.

    • jodyleek

      Camus You

  • Oblios_Cap

    "Requiem for a Newt".

  • SorosBot

    Is Newt finally becoming self-aware and realizing that nobody likes him?

    • glamourdammerung

      I doubt it. More like he is not really sure who to blame yet.

      • V572 [SSAN]

        Hasn't got Clinton (B) to blame things on anymore…

    • Nothingisamiss

      I'm sure he'll take his new found insight and quietly retreat into the night, never appearing on a teevee screen again.

  • axmxz

    message of American renewal : Newt's campaign :: poetry : "There once was a man from Nantucket"

    • hagajim

      I thought that was Weiners campaign strategy.

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        Roses are red.
        Violets are blue.
        Newt is an asshole.

  • DaRooster

    "I will carry the message of American renewal to every part of this great land, no matter what it takes…"
    "… and because I feel so strongly in this regard I will find some dumb whores and screw them forgetting all about my wife… does she have the cancer yet?"

  • baconzgood

    "If you cant think of any other way to surprise them, give them divorce papers while they are on their cancer bed."

    -Newt "Faulkner" Gingrich-

  • PsycWench

    Funny how Faulkner's speech didn't have so many "I"s.

  • That's the worst answer to "Hey Newt, how was your Greek vacation?"

    • DahBoner

      "Hey Newt, how was your Greek vacation?"

      Callista said it hurt.


  • hagajim

    Yes, there are a lot of things in there about traveling the country alone blathering into the wind after all your friends have deserted you…

    This has been Newt's life for the past 20 years – has it not?

  • baconzgood

    "Between Grief and nothing I choose to cruise to the mediterranean"

    -Newt "Faulkner" Gingrich-

  • Goonemeritus

    This is like the new rule I have with my boss, he can only ask me question related Raymond Chandler novels

  • nounverb911

    “Everything I say today is the truth, until tomorrow, when it becomes a lie”.

  • nounverb911

    Is he still around?

  • And Lou Sarah starts practicing for the Voice me, me. me, me, me…
    dough ray ME

    • Radiotherapy

      I've always thought the Lou Sarah show is very Faulknerian.

      • Like Tommy Sutpen's sense of being so strong he could go it alone?

  • baconzgood

    "I am the egg man. Koo-Koo-Ca-Joob"

    -Newt quoting Faulkner wrongly-

  • metamarcisf

    "There is no way to grasp what a shallow, contemptible and hopelessly dishonest old hack Newt Gingrich is until you've followed him around for a while."

  • Callyson

    I will carry the message of American renewal to every part of this great land, no matter what it takes.
    How does Newt define "American renewal," anyway? A return to the Gilded Age, when workers knew their place and the rich got richer? Oh wait…

  • neiltheblaze

    Newt: The Sound and the Fury that signify nothing.

  • baconzgood

    Newt created his own new Literary style: Stream of Crappyness.

  • Come here a minute

    He certainly is full of sound and fury, and signifies nothing.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    The best way to change Washington is to put someone in charge who has been there for 40 years.

  • Mississippi doesn't deserve Faulkner.

    • V572 [SSAN]

      Hard to imagine him in Arizona, though. It doesn't have a Yawknapatawpha County, so far as is known.

    • Moonbat

      Hell, US America doesn't deserve Faulkner.

  • Sue4466

    So glad to see that Newt has been humbled by his recent firing. He will save America. Alone.

  • Billmatic

    I wonder if Newt knows what paraphrasing actually is.

  • x111e7thst

    I shall run on the beaches, I shall run on the landing grounds, I shall run in the fields and in the streets. .

  • petehammer

    "And if I may paraphrase Dr. Seuss: 'And the 'Grich, with his 'Grich-feet ice cold on the stage, stood puzzling and puzzling, in quite a big rage. Mittens came without ribbons. Mittens came without tags. Mittens came without diamonds, divorces or sags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the 'Grich thought of something he hadn't before. What if love doesn't come from a Tiffany's store. What if love, perhaps, means a little bit more.' No questions."

  • Gopherit

    I suspect, like most republican politicians, Gingrich only gets truly poetical about his penis. In that context, it sounds like he plans to fuck the entire country. That sounds about right to me.

    • LesBontemps

      He just loves America so hard!

  • V572 [SSAN]

    Git your muthufuckin hands offa mah Faulkner, Newt. How dare you put yourself on a level with the man who wrote "The Bear" or As I Lay Dying or Old Man.

    Granted, both of 'em are more-or-less racists, though. But Newt is like Flem Snopes on stilts.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Um, Newt, I've got the perfect Faulkner quote to sum up my feelings for you:

    "I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are."

    No love,


  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm just waiting for Newt's learned discussion about how Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath is really about how the Depression was lengthen due to the lack of Tax Cuts for corporations and the rich.

    • Gopherit

      And that fucking commie Tom Joad, If God wanted you to have "justice" you would have been born a Rockafeller and not an Okie.

  • SayItWithWookies

    How is that even a paraphrase? He used one word in common with Faulkner's quote, and instead of meaning something noble and human, he means it in a way that's tedious, venal and stupid. He may as well say he's quoting the Gettysburg Address, since that has "endure" in it as well.

  • ttommyunger

    Ah, Newt; a giant in his own eyes, a legend in his own mind, a skidmark on his own boxers, a tiny goober in his own hand, a piece of shit on America's shoe sole… Scrape, baby, scrape.

  • Billmatic

    I hope Newt paraphrases Ghostface next. Nahmeen? Aiyyo, word. Nahmeen? Word. Nawmsayin.

  • KennyCB

    Hey, Newt! Where'd you put the corncob?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Who saw an intern he thought cute
    While his wife lay dying
    His wiener was thriving
    So he gave her Tiffany Loot.

    • Tommmcattt

      Ooh, yes! That's the spirit!

  • Radiotherapy

    Didn't Palin also paraphrase this Faulkner quote in her "I Have a Quittin' Dream" speech?
    Because it makes about the same amount of sense.

  • fuflans

    i got nothing. the ego, it stuns.

    and blinds.

    • PristineODummy

      I wish it *did* blind, just so I didn't have to look at that gawdawful braying jackass.

  • MiniMencken

    The only Faulknerian thing about Newtie is his resemblance to the character of Abner Snopes.

  • The Faulkner quote didn't say anything about America. Newt's quote said nothing about writers.

  • SenileAgitation

    Newt "Nobody Likes Me" Grinchgene mixed up his cultural paraphrasing references is all. He meant "You know that scene in 'Meet the Faulkners' where the Italian fella, whatsisname, swears alot, deniro, points to his eyes and then points to the jew kid, like 'I'm watching you'? That's what I'm doing, watching this country, and I'll be watching all over it, so, word to the wise. Don't mess up and elect someone crazy."

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Oh, I get it! Faulkner modelled Benjy in The Sound and The Fury after Newt Gingrich. Benjy was "neutered," too, after he pawed at a girl on her way home from school. Caddy smells like trees.

  • Nothingisamiss

    No one has ever said this to him.

  • DangerHelvetica

    Faulk you, Newt.

  • Redhead

    I thought poetry was too elitist for someone like Newt.

  • franco_pinyon

    Lately, every time I see Newt I think of Steve McQueen's first film.

    "The Blob."

  • Wilcoxyz

    Newt's done for infidelity what Faulkner did for Southern writers, so sure, let's give him a Nobel too.

Previous articleMoonie Times: Weiner Maybe Showed His Weiner Because He’s Secretly Muslim
Next articleDownload a Free Copy of Wonkette’s Ayn Rand Graphic Novel