get em while they're young

Tea Party Now Aiming For The Kiddies With ‘Liberty School’

these people can teech your children to be freeAmerica’s third-graders are not, generally speaking, overwhelmingly aware of the dangers of socialism. This is unacceptable according to the Tampa Liberty School, a 5-day summer camp designed to wash the political correctness out of children’s tender, pre-liberal minds. There, kids will learn about Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton, the Federalist Papers, the schools of constitutional interpretation and Enlightenment contexts for the American Revolution. Just kidding. They will learn that socialism is evil, paper currency is arbitrarily worthless, and that freedom means cleaning up the giant mess you made all over the floor. It is a helpful coincidence that these lessons are designed for third grade level learning since the class projects are created with about the third grade level understanding of American history known to so many of our beloved Tea Party Patriots.

This is a long block quote, but it is worth it. From the St. Petersburg Times:

One example at Liberty: Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the “banker” will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value.

“Some of the kids will fall for it,” Lukens said. “Others kids will wise up.”

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Another example: Starting in an austere room where they are made to sit quietly, symbolizing Europe, the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room (the New World).

Red-white-and-blue confetti will be thrown. But afterward the kids will have to clean up the confetti, learning that with freedom comes responsibility.

Still another example: Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles.

Haha, we don’t even understand this last one. Popping other kids’ bubbles is way more fun than popping your own. [St. Petersburg Times via Wonkette operative "Brandon H."]

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281 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "Red-white-and-blue confetti will be thrown. But afterward the kids will have to clean up the confetti, learning that with freedom comes responsibility."
    Third graders already know that cleaning up is for the help.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      "Responsibility" is just another word for making someone else clean up your mess.

    2. tessiee

      I have to say, that is the most buzzkill thing I've ever heard of.
      I'm generally in favor of helping kids learn responsibility by giving them small chores to do (help set the table, put toys away, etc.), but throwing confetti and then sweeping it up kinda defeats the whole purpose of confetti.

  2. Barb

    And the kids will be taken to McDonald's on the last day where their Happy Meal will feature a dull razor blade and a used Q-Tip as a toy.

    1. DahBoner

      And their chocolate milk shake will contain shards of profitable, ground up glass, because all pesky regulations have been dissolved by Brave Patriotic Teatards…

    2. Boehneriffic

      Barb, are you perchance a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000? They once featured Unhappy Meals in an invention exchange and one contained a used Q-Tip. I see other folks here who are most likely MSTies, so just wondering. Or it's coincidence and I'm wrong. Either way, keep up the funny!

      1. Barb

        It's something a radio talk show host said to me once. It was Christmas Day and they had a contest for a trip to NY City. The question was, "Who is the largest distributor of toys?" I listened for 4 hours while people kept calling in the wrongs answers, "Toys for Tots" "Mattel" etc. I picked up the phone, called in and answered "McDonald's" (in their Happy Meals) and won the trip. Then they changed the contest to naming the grossest things you could find in your Happy Meal. It got pretty nasty.

        1. tessiee

          What, an actual Happy Meal isn't considered gross?

          PS. I used to work in a teaching hospital where doctors routinely removed foreign objects from noses, ears, and other orifices, and we actually had a display case for them. Doctors can be really gross and have a really dark sense of humor, as you'd think would go with the job.

  3. GuyClinch

    …the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room (the New World).

    Then the little kiddies get to hand out small-pox blankets and rape and kill the brown and red children! FREEDUMB!

    1. GlowneyHouse

      Exactly. It should read "the children will pass through an hallway to arrive at a brightly decorated party room filled with young Native American children and a variety of potted plants (the New World). They will be encouraged to kill the Native American children and destroy the plants in the hope that candy will be located underneath. Then African American children will be forcibly brought in to clean the room."

    2. tessiee

      Doesn't this seem a bit dated to anyone else?
      I mean, when was the last time the U.S. had a higher standard of living than any country in Europe that wasn't actually, yknow, war-torn?

  4. tihond

    The wheels will fall off when all the kids eat their candies on the first day, and one of the kids just steals the rest.

    1. flamingpdog

      The kids will fall over when they eat their lead-paint-laced freedom-from-regulation candies from China on the first day, and Rick Scott will steal the rest.

    2. KommunistKitty

      Ah yes, what Marx dubbed "Primitive Capitalism." This might actually be pretty educational for the kiddies…

      1. axmxz

        Now you got me thinking about Candy Tree commons, and whether someone is going to enclose them…

    3. DahBoner

      "all the kids eat their candies on the first day"

      Children are such leeches, dependent upon the socialism of their parents…

  5. axmxz

    "One example at Liberty: Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the “banker” will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value."

    So much for "you can't eat gold."

  6. horsedreamer_1

    Instead, how about we let the Teabagger organizers of this camp loose in Liberty City with nothing but two nickels to rub together (their net worth) & a fifteen years old map, & see if they come out alive.

    1. MuslinMosk

      Everything is instantly better when you add slime, oversized clothing, and mild hilarious humiliation

      1. Beowoof

        Get em ready for butt secks early cause with the republicans in charge they are going to get a lot of it.

  7. Oblios_Cap

    It's been over 100 degrees down here for weeks. It appears some Dinghusians™ have had their brains fried from it.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If he passes this course, your third grader will be qualified for the PhD in Economics program at Bob Jones U.

    2. DahBoner

      I'm still trying to get through Glenn Beck University course "Presidents You Should Hate".

      Book learning is hard….

  8. Oblios_Cap

    “Some of the kids will fall for it,” Lukens said. “Others kids will wise up.”

    Probably the only true thing he said all day. And it was unintentional.

  9. baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post

    DAMN IT! CORPORATE BIG WIG IS HOVERING ABOUT BACONZ OFFICE TODAY TO GLAD HAND ME AND PAT ME ON THE BACK BECAUSE OF MY GOOD JOB!!!!! I wish this VP would go back up stairs so I can slack on Wonkette. AND THIS IS A TEA-PARTY INDOCTRINATION POST!!!!!!! fuck!

    (this comment is 100% snark free).

    1. Oblios_Cap

      I'm sure that he also rewarded you with a huge pile of cash much like the one your good work added to his bonus.

      1. baconzgood

        We don't even get candy. I told him if I wanted a pat on the back and a hunk of worthless metal for doing well, I'd join the fuckin' navy. Give me $$$$$$$.

        I mean really. I'm forced to power snark while he's not looking on this post. Thankfully I like all you at Wonkette and can't deny you my witticisms.

        1. flamingpdog

          That's most definitely something they do equally well in the public sector – substituting an "Atta-Boy" and a trinket for $$$$$$$.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      As your “CORPORATE BIG WIG” I suggest you enroll in this kiddie school so you can learn the fundamentals of making me more money.

    3. SarcasticNymph

      You have one of them thar elitist jerbs in an "office" – whut are ye, management? Why doncha buy a smartphone and get wonkette thataway, since ya got all that cash? You don't need that there work computer!

  10. Mahousu

    … while the candies retain their value.

    If I'm a third-grader, I'm eating those candies as soon as I get them. So I doubt they'll retain any value. Paper money, I might keep, even if just crumpled up in my pocket.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Yeah the Romans stopped using salt as currency for the same reason. About two thousand years ago.

  11. edgydrifter

    Did they mention the lesson where one of the daddies comes in, hands the teacher a bucket of butterscotch candies and then the teacher declares that dad's child gets extra recess and the good pair of scissors, and the other kids have to all his homework for him forever? That's an important lesson to learn if you're going to thrive in Teatardia.

  12. PsycWench

    Don't let the kids linger in Europe too long or they'll figure out that the chocolate and pastries are much, much better.

    1. genxr

      I'm sure they'll take kids on a field trip to Pretend Europe, which is a dark room in the basement filled with scary clowns. They'll grow up with an irrational, overpowering fear of travel outside the country.

      1. Rotundo_

        Mimes, Anarchy in the UK cranked on a stereo, and boiling cabbage and/or sauerkraut wafting through the basement. This is socialism children !!!!!!!!!!1!!!1! BOOOOO!!!!1!!1!!!

    2. Giveusabob

      I wonder whether the class field trip from Europe to the "New World" will accurately take into account the pestilence, utter disregard for personal hygiene, and inane zealotry which the conquistadors gifted to this continent upon their arrival.

      I also wonder if any, especially lucky, students get to play the role of the New World's existing inhabitants, what with the scalping, et cetera.

      1. hooray4anything

        and the part about how if daddy loses his job, he won't have to either work 80 hours a week as a busboy at TGiF or sell the kids for medical experiments because they have a really good social safety net

  13. axmxz

    "Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism."

    Silly teabaggers, popping bubbles. The American economy loves bubbles!

      1. Giveusabob

        Clearly, the bubbles represent people's hard-wrought, personal wealth conveyed into a Petite Bourgeois standard of living, and the squirt guns represent those dirty, free-loading Bolsheviks determined to spoil everyone's fun.

        This would be obvious, had you not cluttered your thoughts with silly fads like science and reason.

  14. RodneyBadger

    The enrollment rate declined sharply after it was revealed that Mark Foley is the camp director.

  15. Goonemeritus

    If by “austere room” they mean tastefully decorated in classic Danish modern they wouldn’t get me to move into that garish confetti strewn new world room.

  16. OneDollarJuana

    "Red-white-and-blue confetti will be thrown. But afterward the kids will have to clean up the confetti, learning that with freedom comes responsibility."

    Actually, some of the kids who threw the most confetti will feign sickness just as the cleanup commences, and leave the cleanup to others. This will be an excellent example of corporate responsibility in our great economy.

    1. lumpenprole

      Wait, they have to clean up a mess they made? Doesn't sound like they'll learn to trust the invisible hand. Way to discourage the entrepreneurial spirit with socialist regulation, teatards.

    2. tessiee

      Perhaps the teacher's pet kid can sit on his ass and do absolutely nothing about cleaning up the confetti, at which point the teacher can say, "Heckuva job, Billy".

  17. MissusBarry

    Nothing says Europe like sitting quietly in an austere room. And nothing sez 'Murka like red, white, and blue confetti everywhere and a mess to clean up.

  18. PsycWench

    " Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less remains uneaten and usable, while the candies retain their value didn't last an hour."

    Anyone who was ever nine years old knows how fixed this is.

  19. OneDollarJuana

    "Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles."

    Actually, this is an example proving that cluster bombs are more effective than rifles, and that we shouldn't hamstring the arms industry with silly ethics and morals concerns.

  20. baconzgood

    If they really wanted to have these kids think like tea-partiers just replace a piece of thier brain with a cashew.

  21. Serolf_Divad

    One example at Liberty: Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the “banker” will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value.

    Correction: over time faculty will realize that giving kids candies and telling them its gold was a really dumb idea if the point was to drive home the message that gold is a stable store of value. You know… because these kids will fucking eat the candies as soon as they get a chance and be left with nothing but an empty and worthless candy wrapper to represent their safe store of value.

    1. DahBoner

      This is a real life lesson:

      If you have gold coins, some hillbilly methhead from 2 trailers over will break in and steal them.

    2. Gleem_McShineys

      The real lesson here is that the Liberty Patriot Instructor person is giving the kids' "Candy Investments" bogus triple-A ratings, which of course represents the bankers and their unregulated default swaps that nearly killed the entire world's economies?

      Then, the lesson continues as the kids never ever bother to figure out that their candy-backed "banks" are filled with nothing but flavorless candy dust, because they are told to just quiet down, eat this anusburger, and look at this cartoon video of cats dancing.

      1. genxr

        The kids will just demand candy bailouts, and the teachers will cave because who wants to listen to a bunch of screaming kids?

  22. weejee

    In teaching the kidz about banking will they also show that other heavy metals, like 40 caliber lead, work well for making withdrawals?

  23. Badonkadonkette

    the third grade level understanding of American history known to so many of our beloved Tea Party Patriots.

    I doubt many third graders think Paul Revere's mission was to warn the British that, "y'know, we were going to be free" by ringing bells and firing his pistols in the air.

  24. Mumbletypeg

    Also, missed the part where they're trained to throw those worthless paper bills at disabled librul veteran-menaces-to-society. Because patriotic responsibilty, like flawed currency, has its limits.

  25. SheriffRoscoe

    Another example: Somebody symbolizing BP/Big Oil, takes a shit in the water fountain, while everyone else is forced to apologize because the fountain was too high for him to sit down comfortably while doing so.

  26. baconzgood

    "Still another example: Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles."

    You seriously don't understand that one Kirsten?!?!?!!? Haven't you ever read Marx? That basic.

      1. genxr

        From each according to his soapy bubbles, to each according to his water pistol.

        Seriously, what's not to get?

  27. SorosBot

    Wait, is this for children? At first it said it was aimed at the level of third grade, which as the highest education of the average 65-year-old teabagger makes it look like it's aimed at them.

  28. powersuit

    At third grade, kids are ripe for developing their first long-lasting resentments of mom and dad. This should do it!

    And if the tea partiers were true to their colors, they would allow the first kids to arrive in the "new world" through the obstacle course to (a) push all the late-comers out or (b) make them clean up the mess while the first kids drink fruit punch and mock them.

    1. SorosBot

      If they want to be true to history, then there would be a bunch of kids already there who the kids are then instructed to slaughter, then the kids would go out and grab a bunch of other kids not playing and drag them to the "new world" and force them to do all of the hard work, and kill them if they complain.

  29. SorosBot

    Hopefully someone will forward the list of enrollees over to Florida's Child Protection Services.

  30. PsycWench

    Don't forget feeling sorry for themselves for suffering from a situation that they themselves largely caused.

  31. DaRooster

    The Tea Party folks?
    Are they going to talk about how your Medi-Cal pays for the Hover-Rounds?
    Will they mention the whole, "FEMA can't help you if your house blows to shit." due to the wars and over spending by their "Small" government?
    You know… shit like that.

  32. SheriffRoscoe

    Tampa Liberty School in the am, Vacation Bible School in the pm. Teabagger kids in the Tampa area are livin' large this summer.

  33. DashboardBuddha

    On one hand, this is appalling. On the other hand, only the children of Teabaggers will be going. Still appalling, but it probably won't make the kids any stupider. ie- when you're at the bottom of the hole, you can't go no further.

    1. SilverTsunami

      They get to eat candy and play with bubbles. Not sure this is *such* a bad camp.

  34. freakishlywrong

    Well, there's 40 spaces and only 8 poor kids signed up. Representative of the population, I would say. The infamous 26% strikes again.

    1. Beowoof

      LOL Teabaggers read? Why when you can see all you need to know right there on the history channel, Ice Road Truckers for job prospects, Swamp People for family history and Pawn Stars for a pay for health care strategy.

  35. samsuncle

    Will the kids be subjected to repeated waterboarding so that they will understand that it's not really torture?

  36. SayItWithWookies

    In another lesson, children will learn about the erosion of meaning by being told that the term "everybody" actually applies only to white Christian males. Then, to teach them inclusiveness, they all become white Christian males by donning sheets.

  37. WhatTheHeck

    Well kiddies, just try going to your local candy store to purchase some candy with a pocket full of gold coins. After they take a commission for trading the gold into the local currency, they will give you your change in paper money.
    There. That's your lesson for today. Now take a nap.

  38. El Pinche

    This sucks for my kids. The jesus fat kids have left for Teabagger camp and there's no one to point and laugh at.

  39. petehammer

    Oh man, I'm waiting for the teabagger family that shows up with a Costco pack of candy at Toys R Us to trade for a Wii*. ("But mommy, teacher lady said that candy is worth several Satan dollars. Why is this lady being so mean?")

    Here comes a call to the Regional Manager, followed by a call to Security.

    *Notice I said Wii and NOT Wii Fit.

      1. petehammer

        Er, um… the kid wanted a TRU exclusive Bratz doll.

        Also, given Wal*Mart's clientele, don't you think they'd start accepting Teabagger gold (candy)?

  40. axmxz

    "Starting in an austere room where they are made to sit quietly, symbolizing Europe…"

    I thought most Europeans were drunk libertines who lived off the socialist largesse of their more successful peers?

    1. Oblios_Cap

      And I was told that they take days off to watch blokes chase wheels of cheese down hills or kick each other in the shins.

      And sleep through the whole month of August.

  41. genxr

    And thus, Tampa Liberty School ensures the next generation of Wonkette posters have a new generation of morans at which to point and laugh, and the circle of snark is complete.

  42. elviouslyqueer

    In fact, Jaroch said the group might try to bring its curriculum to the public schools during Constitution Week in September.

    I'd lay odds that the Teabaggers' Constitution unit will last about 10 minutes and will only cover the 10th Amendment.

  43. Sue4466

    They have to clean up the confetti? cool, maybe they'll learn polluters should clean up their own superfund sites.

    Oh, that's not the point of that lesson?

    1. weejee

      Sue, when the Michele becomes our batshit crayzee Prez she will be burying the EPA in a toxic landfill and all that Superfund silliness with it.

  44. orygoon

    Let me guess: the menu is 100% fattening crap, because if Michelle Obama says kids should eat better, then they have to take the opposing position.

  45. SorosBot

    It's been sad to see her reduced to nothing but a pair of glasses above the Wonkwire headlines.

  46. fuflans

    Starting in an austere room … symbolizing Europe

    have these people HEARD of the 'baroque' or 'rococo' or 'the vatican'????

    oh. wait. of course not.

  47. Guppy06

    Oh, and freedom means not having to go to the damned camp to begin with! Due process, bitches!

  48. ttommyunger

    I'll bet the teacher's lounge there is a regular laugh riot, assuming you like nigger jokes.

  49. DaSandman

    The original post, in all its glory:

    Tea Party Patriots

    Why do we refer to them as "Patriots"?

    Why don't we call them Tea Party Racist, Homophobe, RE_ARDED Traitors, which would be way closer to the truth.

    Et tu, Jack? Tsk,tsk,tsk

  50. Guppy06

    "the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room (the New World)."

    And by "New World," they mean "Brazil."

  51. RedNM

    I was always under the impression that these letters were ficitional, made up by obese old women drinking malt liquor all day. But recently, something happened at camp that made me change my mind…

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Well, I'll tell ya what happened at Jesus Camp, which my parents forced me to go to when I was about 13. One morning, about 2, I went into the bathroom to take a leak, and while I was there this guy came in, about 20 years old, shirtless and soaking wet. He was real friendly, but I scooted out of there as fast as I could. Funny thing is, I never saw him before or after, so where did he come from?

  52. prommie

    When I went to high school in Florida, I was required to take a full semester, five day a week course called "Americanism vs. Communism," which we called AVC. Unlike, say, literacy, this course was a prerequisite to graduating. The teacher was often drunk, I suspect so he could escape from his feelings of horror and shame.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Holy Cow, I too went to high school in FL andI had to take that same class. I think the name was Capitalism vs. Communism, though. Our teacher was pretty cool IIRC. Pretty much, "capitalism is fine, but it's not without its problems".

      1. mumbly_joe

        Ha, and meanwhile, up in Northern Libtardia, which is to say, the northern burbs of NYC, our choices for our graduation-mandatory classes was either an "economics class" with a guy who was basically the real-life incarnation of the two main characters from the Big Lebowski, or an actual AP macro class with a Marxist from Williams who was trying to assuage his guilty conscience after a decade of working in Industry.

        I think we got a pretty good deal there, honestly.

  53. genxr

    From the article's comments:

    "Gee, wish they'd had something like this when my kids were younger so I could have threatened them with it if they didn't behave.".

  54. Callyson

    But the most important thing is they won't be eating any socialist meals of fish, fruit, or other healthy crap like Michelle Obama wants kids to eat. Just meat, potatoes, and hard (not commie soft) candy.

  55. hooray4anything

    I think in "Duck, Duck, Galt" one kid just smacks the other kid with a baseball bat and when the kid starts crying, everyone just stands around and taunts the kid for having the misfortune of being hit.

  56. SorosBot

    But this is crazyland, where gold has inherent value because it's gooooooold and we say so and shut up, that's why.

    1. Sue4466

      It's the complete and utter lack of critical thinking skills that is just so fucking depressing.

  57. Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

    What did you expect from a state that brought you the Casey Anthony fiasco (Central Florida's economic stimulus package), Charlie Crist, meth-fiend strippers, "massage" studios sharing office space with daycare centers, tattoo parlors, and strip mall churches, and a giant real estate vacuum? Bring it on.

  58. Native_of_SL_UT

    I hope they do a capitalism lesson where they take all but one piece of candy from all the kids and create a single pile for just one kid.

    1. tessiee

      There's potential for a kickass board game/math class with everyday economics for older kids:

      "Your employer announces that your monthly insurance payment will double. Lose a turn."

      "Your water heater quits and needs to be replaced. Pay $1000. to Bank."

      "The money you were saving for a reliable car to get you to your two full-time jobs goes to pay for repairs on the clunker which is the only car you could afford. Lose a turn."

  59. DashboardBuddha

    At what point to they put 11 candies on the table and the Koch portrayor takes ten and the accuses the union portrayor of making the Patriot (child) share his candy?

  60. Eve8Apples

    Will the children get a chance to rape and impregnate their black slaves?
    Since their ancestors illegally immigrated to the country and did not speak the native language, will they be deported?

  61. Beowoof

    Well only the part between the second and third commas, of the second amendment, which is the only part these dolts deem relevant.

  62. Tommmcattt

    Another example: The kids buy this shit wholesale, grow up, don't attend college because of the socialism, somehow get jobs in the real world which most of them quickly lose due to their inability to cooperate with anything other than their own selfish desires, marry other Tea Party brats and cheat on them in Men's Rooms and cheap motels because, after all, the founders did one thing in public and quite another in private. They then die early due to complications from diabetes or heart disease, beset even to their deaths by financial woes and IRS liens.

    …the whole time voting Republican and utilizing the welfare safety net! Everybody wins!

  63. ManchuCandidate

    Teabagger skule where the students are:
    1) Smarter than the teachers
    2) Bullshit is correct
    3) Where the adults act like big fat butt hurt babies.
    4) Where you get dumber the longer you go

    1. OneDollarJuana

      "big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies""big fat butt hurt babies"!

    1. lumpenprole

      I pointed this out to a Paultard the other day and he just looked at me like I'm the crazy one. Then he went an bought stuff for his WOW or UO characters.

  64. starfanglednut

    And standing among the red, white and blue confetti will be a giant dinosaur statue on which a white, blue eyed Jesus replica holding a gun and a copy of the constitution rides, waving the american flag.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Hitler actually loved candy, which is why he almost never smiled in pictures due to really rotted teeth.

  65. Zombie_Reagan

    Wow, this sounds just like the non-existent "liberal political indoctrination" wingnuts complain about all the frickin' time.

    Another "do as I say, not as I do" moment brought to you by the Grand Old Hypocrite party.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Only it's a weeklong wingnut indoctrination camp, instead of a 20 minute recorded speech about the importance of staying in school.

    2. Beck_is_Trig

      Yes, it’s even funnier because the entire wingnut campaign is to accuse college professors and courses of the “indoctrination” of adults. Of course any of us who’ve been to college KIND of understand that when you select a course like say Conservation Biology, you’re not going to be provided “information” about how climate change is false, pollution doesn’t damage anything and everything is just fine (the Koch Brothers approved message). Yet this is the kind of course David Whorewitz fearmongers so heavily. There is no irony whatsoever in teaching children this crap I mean, it’s obvious a nine year old knows more about the world than a 20 year old, isn’t it? No? You communist! stop indoctrinatin’ ma kids!

    1. Karma_Suture

      "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits" plus re_ard =
      the seven….uh 8 words you can't say on tv.

  66. mumbly_joe

    But no seriously, that "socialism" demonstration makes no sense and really only seems to empahsize the fact that the people who came up with it have no fucking clue what socialism is, other than it involves sharing, and is bad. There's a very strong "blind person describing an elephant" vibe there.

    1. lumpenprole

      I never thought I'd have so many opportunities in this life to be downright irritated by the fact that I know what the word "socialism" means.

      1. tessiee

        It means hypnotizing people so that their eyes turn into spirals and they shuffle mindlessly in lockstep and call everyone "comrade", right?

  67. James Michael Curley

    Since so many of these 'Teabaggers' come from upstate New York, I have always wondered; are they the ones who tried the Brown Acid back at Woodstock?

  68. DahBoner

    And they will learn about math, using patriotic, real-life story problems:

    "If there are 13 watermelons and 7 buckets of chicken on the White House lawn, how many hoods can Obama feed?"

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Be kind of hard to use those with a vending machine. How will be people get their daily recommended dose of fat and HFCS?

      1. reliefsinn

        Because when you are starving, and the only thing available is a couple of potatoes, you will be able to buy them with a few shavings of gold, as it is inherently valuable.
        Got it? Good.

        1. Polythene_Pam

          I know that if food was limited & I had some potatoes for my family, i'd be sure to trade them to some other guy for some pretty shiny metal that we could stare at as we died

  69. PabaBritannica

    ARGH, I went to college near Tampa and I still love the city but every year it just gets worse. I think Tampa peaked in like 2004 and now it's just Highway to the Shithouse.

    I swear, Scientology has to be behind this somewhere. They are actually very big on the gold standard and tax protests and getting rid of government (because then they wouldn't have the GUBMENT telling them they can't murder mentally disabled people).

    1. glamourdammerung

      In most states, it would be a violation of parole/probation/sex offender registration anyway.

  70. DaRooster

    Like I usually say when its mentioned that "they will corral us"…

    Bring that shit on!

  71. donner_froh

    That stuff about socialism and bubbles is true. Just yesterday as I was translating the "Grundrisse" into Tibeto-Burman I came across "Building socialism means popping the other guys' bubble."

    Truly amazing.

  72. glamourdammerung

    Of course, this is not indoctrination because conservatives are doing it.

    Also, any bets on how long this lasts before the awful nanny state intervenes due to child rape?

  73. poncho_pilot

    it just occurred to me how "Liberty School" is reminiscent of "Freedom is Slavery".

  74. glamourdammerung

    Too bad this will fail like everything else the teatards get involved in since it would be funny to say "Liberty School, mmm mmm mmm" and watch them get overly defensive.

  75. YasserArraFeck

    Is "popping one's own bubbles" a euphamism for masturbation? I know as a pimply youth, I popped many of my own bubbles, because I couldn't get someone of the female persuasion to pop them for me. So, what is "squirt gun" code for?

  76. widget2011

    Third grade reading level? That would mean that only 2% of the GOP could understand it. I think it should be translated to a kindergarden level, so that maybe even the teabaggers could comprehend it. Republican education plans have not been completely sucessful though, as a full 2% can read on a third grade level.

  77. KeepFnThatChicken

    Starting in an austere room where they are made to sit quietly, symbolizing Europe, the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room.

    Because the New World was all lollipops and blowjobs.

  78. HuddledMass

    "…screaming a fit until they get what they want but which will give them a bellyache now and serious problems long-term ."/fixed

  79. Gleem_McShineys

    Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles.

    Bubbles which pop on their own symbolize what, again? Tax cuts? Welfare handouts? Invisible hands of the free market?

    I like the ingeniousness of these 'educators' … you can just tack in an arrangement that mimics socialism on the end of literally any activity, and it will satisfy their analogy. Because, of course, Teabaggers / marks / suckers / Survival Seed aficionados will never ever bother to think through any of it.

    The real lesson of this camp: a bagger and his money are soon parted.

  80. Karma_Suture

    And, naturally, the kid who steals the rest of the candy will not be punished because" …He already has most of the candy and is too big to fail.

  81. Beck_is_Trig

    It's also funny because if you claimed this is indoctrination their defense would be "these is 'Merikan val-uhs!" and therefore cannot BE indoctrination. Now, teaching children slavery was wrong, minorities are good, that E Pluribus Unum doesn't mean "you're on your own" and that Manifest Destiny amounted to religiously sanctioned genocide and theft, THAT'S the propaganda. But of course it is, teabaggers, of course it is.

  82. Ducksworthy

    Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. WTF? Is this sentence somehow related to an actual human being's thought process?

    1. ganmerlad

      By the time they came up with that idea they were running out of metaphors, yet still had an activity hour that needed to be filled.

  83. harobedyelsnit

    Doesn't this "economy" depend on which hard candy you hand out? Cinnamon balls, Jolly Ranchers, butterscotch, lemon drops would seem to be rather unstable currency as there would be the temptation to scarf them down.
    Peppermint would be so so — the candy of last resort
    The most stable would be the inedible -old hard candies without wrappers fished from purses, pockets and between the sofa cushions. If you were diabetic, especially is you have juvenile diabetes, you could become a hoarder and a zillionaire. Seems like this economy would have the same ups and downs as currency.

  84. June_Cleaver2.0

    …Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the
    candies retain their value…

    What if you take the candy out of the wrapper, lick it, and put it back in the wrapper?

    Oh I don't understand those crazy people.

  85. MiniMencken

    Wait! There are no lessons around the topic of the Second Amendment? All of the third graders need cute little .25 Beretta Model 21 Bobcats on their hips. Wonkette should take up a collection to buy some for these tykes.

  86. Redhead

    But will their teachers continue to give them the same number of hard wrapped candies for cleaning up confetti for 15 minutes, even though, over time, they give other kids more and more paper money for cleaning up the same amount of confetti for the same period of time?

    Will they continue to do this after the kids start to catch on and ask to be paid in paper money instead, and the demand for the candies decreases, leading their value to actually (gasp) decrease?

    1. ganmerlad

      True. The value of hard candy is artificially inflated at this point due to the speculative buying up of hard candy…and in a few years (or much less as it seems to be at a tipping point), those who have invested heavily in hard candy while it was expensive will end up loosing all of their hard candy if they don't sell sooner rather than later.

        1. tessiee

          I hate black licorice with the passion of a thousand white-hot suns. If you're willing to trade it for any kind of coconut candy, we can both come out of the deal happy.

  87. ganmerlad

    Another example: we will give ipecac (in chocolate milk) to half of the class and tell the half who didn't get the ipecac (in their chocolate milk) that the only way to make the sick half of the class feel better is to give them some of their hard candy. If any of the children are willing to give up their hard candy to make the others feel better, they will be spanked and called socialist pansies — then will be made to sit for the rest of the day in the janitor's closet, which represents Canada.

    Yet another great idea we came up with is putting up pinatas of foreigners, dark skinned people, Muslins, democrats, Christians and republicans. If the children repeatedly whack and break open any of the first four pinatas, hard candy will fall out. If they break open the last two, spiders and explosions will fall out. The reasoning to this should be self evident.

    [There will be a 20% credit card fee for those who don't pay in gold. Any injuries, physical or mental, resulting from the summer camp are not the responsibility of Liberty School, obviously.]

  88. carlgt1

    this is funny, as I can't think of any major city in "Old Europe" that isn't light-years beyond (socially & architecturally) the teabaggin' white-trash paradise cities of Houston, Dallas, Oklahoma City, etc. Even Birmingham or Liverpool England ie solid working class cities are much nicer.

    1. genxr

      "An austere room, where they are made to sit quietly." Sounds more like the midwest than any city in Europe.

  89. RedNM

    Bubbles is that the guy from "The Wire" who sells drugs and other goodies from a shopping cart.

  90. smitallica

    I love how extreme libertariassholes say that paper money is worthless because it's a "fiat currency," meaning it only has value because governments say it does. So we should use gold. Of course, they fail to realize that the only reason gold has value as money is because somebody says it does.

  91. flamingpdog

    I know Al put on a bunch of weight after he left public office, but I didn't know he was part of the scooter crowd now.

  92. tessiee

    The word "Liberty" should have been the tip-off, because it's one of those paradoxical buzzwords that means "taking away liberty", like how "family" means "punishing mothers and children".

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