the ocean floor is socialist

Deathers Will Search Arabian Sea For Osama Body, To Prove It Is Not There

as fake as the birth certificateOcean treasure hunter Bill Warren does not trust sketchy terrorist lover Nobama to admit on his own that Osama bin Laden is not dead, so Warren will go visit the North Arabian Sea to search for Osama’s body, to prove once and for all it does not exist. Warren will even take a documentary crew with him, to help declare the ocean Osama-free with hours of footage of nothing. The North Arabian Sea floor is your new Hawaii Department of Health: RELEASE THE CERTIFICATE BODY. Why is the ocean protecting Obama?


Treasure-hunting explorer Bill Warren tells TMZ, the purpose of the excursion “is to try to find out if [Osama] is really dead and to provide to the world the proof that he is … We do this because we are patriotic Americans and feel that President Obama failed to provide the proof.”

Bill adds, “I do not trust my government or Obama.”

The search will take place in the North Arabian Sea, where a U.S. Navy ship allegedly dumped Osama’s body back in May. Bill explains, “We intend to locate/recover his body and photograph and video tape him, then do a DNA test on the ship.”

What high tech investigative plan does Warren have for finding Osama’s body? Like any good wingnut, he will Ask the Internet. Here is Bill, responding to a thread on a Yahoo! Answers message board last month, trying to find someone who can tell him where Osama’s body is:

Conspiracy wingnuts have a new strategy: at least pick something the president can’t begrudgingly produce after they nag him about it for a while. []

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  1. philpjfry

    How is it that idiots like this are not institutionalized? Is there noithing they won't do to avoid giving credit to a black President?

    1. SarcasticNymph

      Ronnie Raygun closed the institutions, remember? Part of the long term strategy. (drinking)

      1. Preferred Customer

        He does spend a lot of time talking about water play.

        EDIT: And the "are you a diver" question seems suspicious, too, but I am not up on all the lingo the kids are using these days.

  2. JustPixelz

    I sure hope he finds the body, otherwise the only conclusion is bin Laden is with 70 virgins somewhere. Though he could be in Hell, like reading Palin e-mails or watching Hardball.

  3. TheMeatmaker

    Golden Quest? Sounds more like Johnny Quest. Except Bill Warren would put Hadji in the hold for six years and waterboard him for information. Or just for kicks.

  4. RedneckMuslin

    "We do this because we are patriotic Americans and feel that President Obama failed to provide the proof.”

    Bill adds, “I do not trust my government or Obama.”

    Does he see the hypocrisy in these sentences?

    1. Arken

      They never do. They always talk about how patriotic they are and how much they hate the country and the government simultaneously.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Get real. From 2001 to 2009 I was very patriotic, but didn't trust my government (at least at the highest levels) or Bush. It is possible.

        And I bet you don't trust your Supreme Court these days, do you? You hypocrite.

        1. Arken

          I like how you called me a hypocrite without waiting for my answer to find out whether or not I actually am a hypocrite.

        2. finallyhappy

          I agree with you. I worked for the gov't at a time when Reagan(what a surprise)was conducting a witch hunt at my agency to see if we were giving money to liberals or lesbians(really-not kidding here). I was patriotic but didn't trust that part of the gov't or the President. While working for the Feds more recently, I wrote a letter to Margaret Spellings who was the useless head of Education under Bush- and told her that she had no competence to be head of any agency. I certainly never trusted Bush and despite being a Fed(no more!), had concerns about so much of the Gov't(FEMA!!!!- Brownie!)

          1. snoopyfan2010

            The difference is that your mistrust was specific and based on actual concern for the country. These guys use patriotism to deflect other prejudices that have nothing to do with a concern for the country but rather self preservation. (Your Reagan example for one)

          2. tessiee

            Their mistrust is specific too; it's just idiotic and hateful:
            They're afraid that "the gummint" will give moneys to those poor "urban" people and change the laws so that Billy Bob will have to wait three days to get his newest gun.

    2. JustPixelz

      You know how else failed to provide the proof? George W Bush just before he sent 6000 American soldiers to die in service of his Oedipal issues.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    The corpses are always deader
    From a black man''s order
    You dream about going out there
    But that is a big mistake
    Just look at the world around you
    Right here on the ocean floor
    Your IQ lower than whale shit
    What more is you lookin' for?

    Under the sea
    Under the sea
    Nutters they're deader
    Down where it's wetter
    Take it from me
    Up in Pakistan they get shot down
    Out on the land they rot away
    While water's devotin'
    Full time to dispern'
    Under the sea

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Bravo (clap clap)!

      Gotta be another tune from the Little Mermaid that will also fit this idiotic expedition.
      Or Finding Nemo?

  6. DashboardBuddha

    With any luck, one of the heavily armed crazy ass groups in the area will be offended by the desecration caused and fire a Silkworm missle up his ass.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Obama's probably crewing for Davey Jones on the The Flying Dutchman, so good luck!!!

  8. Mumbletypeg

    Aren't there more important things to devote these ocean-trawling* energy & resources toward? Say, assist with cleaning up the Garbage Patch of Plastic from Hell, or mitigating damage on marine life rendered by the crises in Japan & Gulf of Mexico?

    *curious bit here: merriam-webster online links the definition of trawl to "troll [v.]." Reckon I've set myself up: have at it, downfisterz.

      1. slamtundra

        No, it's not so much that Jesus wants it, it's just that he doesn't care about this shit hole. Remember, we're in this world but not of it so why make it better? Nope, fuck this place.

        At least that's how I understand that thread of belief to go.

        And I am one of those ecoterrorists you hear so much about. I use CFLs.

    1. finallyhappy

      Mumblety- wonder if we know each other as part of my recent work was talking about these things(the Garbage Patch and the damage from BP and the earthquake- not looking for Osama). However, if we do, don't tell me- I am trying to stay anonymous-somewhat

    1. easybaked

      There could have been a sniper on the grassy knoll – after all, Bin Laden was shot twice in the head….

  9. Serolf_Divad

    You laugh, but consider this: fundie wingnuts have launched expeditions that found a half-dozen Noah's Arcs. So I fully expect this guy to find at least two Osama Bin Ladin corpses… maybe more.

  10. skoalrebel

    Fuck yeah! [spit!]
    Us deathers are always ready to keep seeking the truth.
    This means it's time for some people's poetry in the form of a High-Koo!

    Calm summer seas
    Divers seek the deep truth
    Where is Osama?

    1. Boehneriffic

      And as birthers/deathers/TP'ers, we will keep searching for the truth. Until that truth finally matches our fucked up worldview.

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    "do a DNA test on the ship:" Jus' gessin', but I'm thinking steel. Related to Clark Kent?

  12. baconzgood

    "1.5 Million square miles? Piece of cake findin' him"

    -Bill "are you fucking serious dude" Warren-

    1. ArmoredBore

      There was kind of a reason for tossing OBL into the ocean: it'd be hard- if not, impossible- to find the body, so crazy people wouldn't be able to parade it around. Works for both Islamic extremists and Deathers… who also happen to share a mutual hatred of America! ZOMG CONSPIRIMACY

  13. easybaked

    Sounds like a plan. Except the Indian Ocean covers roughly 14% of the Earth’s surface area. My guess is that they dumped him in the Java Trench (23,812 feet below sea level) – good luck getting your rented mini-sub to dive to that depth. Hahaha.

    1. HobbesEvilTwin

      And of course, if our intrepid diver doesn't find the body, that will be unequivocal proof that Nobama Lied!

      1. V572 [SSAN]

        And the fact that he got crushed when his sub ruptured at -20,000 leagues shows that evil Nobama's powers reach everywhere.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          He's already a crypto-fascist socialist Sharia implementer; why not make Obama a worshipper of Poseidon, too?

    2. AJWjr.

      I'm willing to kick in one dollar for every foot a human reaches deeper than 20,000. Who's with me?

  14. bumfug

    I looked around under the ocean for treasure once, didn't find it. Obviously, somebody lied to me – treasure doesn't exist.

  15. Goonemeritus

    Yet these guys didn’t seem to need physical evidence of weapons of mass destruction stuff like that you just take their word.

    1. natoslug

      I plan on spending the day eating tamales in support of Somalis.

      Don't judge me — I'm an American and therefore can believe that words that sound at least a little alike must be related.

  16. GuyClinch

    This is a great idea. In 1993 I accidentally dropped my lucky bottlecap in the Gulf of Tallinn. Since I know I dropped it in there, and would like to have it back, no doubt I can hire this Warren fellow to go find it.

    1. V572 [SSAN]

      Weiner's apparently well beyond shameless. When the leader of your own goddam party in the House tells you to go, why would you stay, unless you'd transcended shame?

      1. SorosBot

        There's no reason for him to leave, though; the Democrats are being idiots in demanding he resign when the Republicans have rallied around their comrades for sex scandals that were actually scandalous instead of this lame tame bullshit.

        1. V572 [SSAN]

          “The other guys are worse” is a fairly weak argument. Without Demo leadership support he’ll never get any goodies for his district be less effective as a representative. If he quits for a caretaker now and is re-elected, it’ll be like it never happened. Problem solved! I love him forever for calling Lieberman a dick.

          1. SorosBot

            Considering that the "other guys" are the party that claims to support family values and wants the government to tell people what they can and can't do with their dicks / pussies and yet the media usually gives a free pass on with sex scandals even if they involve actual crimes, I disagree. All Weiner did was flirt with other women, which should really only be a problem between him and his wife.

            I'm glad to see him so far giving the finger to all the puritanical scolds demanding his head for pretty mild behavior, which wouldn't be wrong at all if he wasn't married, and he would be an idiot to resign over this, and the Dems calling for him to quit are idiots too.

    2. V572 [SSAN]

      "You get to work and save the country from these cock-sucking Republicans!" Weiner/Vegas BJ Dealer 2012!

  17. freakishlywrong

    Anyone else just paralyzed in to a permanent eyeroll and consistent, deep embarrassment?

  18. Chet Kincaid

    Ooh, I saw this episode of Jonny Quest! Hadji levitated the body out of the ocean, and then the boys chased Bandit around the boat with Osama's hand in his mouth. Race and Dr. Quest were "belowdecks", if you know what I mean.

    1. SorosBot

      Johnny Quest? I may be old, but even an old man like I only knows what that was from hearing my dad talk about it; that is one seriously ancient reference.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        I was a little kid when it was on, but I didn't think of myself as "ancient." Until just now. My kids are right?

    2. TheMeatmaker

      I like your storyboard better, too. And I'm scared there are multiple Johnny Quest survivors on this message board.

  19. El Pinche

    Will there be a TLC show as well? "The Search for Bin Laden" before "Cupcake Wars" and after "Freaky Eaters"

  20. LiveToServeYa

    Somewhere, the sharks that eat only stupid ( stupidvores) have had their mysterious prey-detection senses light up like a Christmas tree.

  21. Mapmonger

    This makes me want to go home and drink until I'm dumb enough for this shit to make sense.

  22. MrFizzy

    Sounds like a quixotic enterprise, much like the war in Afghanistan, only cheaper by a trillion.

  23. PsycWench

    If by some miracle he found the body it would be declared a fake, rendered unrecognizable by those terrorist-loving fish.

  24. carlgt1

    HAHA – these idiots are the kings of "prove a universal negative!" sort of like that easy task they gave Saddam — "prove to us you have no nuclear weapons!

    the great thing will be if they find OBL's body you know they'll "preserve" it in a vat of bacon grease….

    1. tessiee

      a/k/a, Prove to me that there is NOT an IOU in my pocket for a million dollars, signed by you.

    2. Rotundo_

      And preserve it right near a major metropolitan area (think Dallas or somewhere warm) and the remnants of BinLadin's followers can blow that city up too. If it were in Florida, somewhere near Dinnyworld would work, and Dinnyworld wouldn't be missed much.

    1. tessiee

      I forget who said this first, but evil is better than stupid, because at least evil sometimes has to take a rest.

  25. VinnyThePooh

    Okay, SEALs. New op. A fun-filled ship-boarding exercise. Just need your Draegers and about 50 pounds of C4. You're gonna recreate the boat sinking scene in the opening of Fool's Gold.

  26. YasserArraFeck

    They have about as much chance of finding a body on the ocean floor as……Mamma Grizzly has of assembling a coherent sentence.

  27. ChessieNefercat

    Sillies! Just because no one has found Atlantis doesn't mean it isn't there! Oh wait, what are they looking for? A single decomposing body with severe injuries that was not put in any type of waterproof coffin, in the Atlantic Ocean?

    And if these geniuses don't find it, that means it isn't there? Someone needs to explain the Circle of Life to them.

    1. SorosBot

      No, they're looking for a single decomposing body with severe injuries that was not put in any type of waterproof coffin in the INDIAN ocean. Which is gonna be sooo much easier, I'm sure.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Whoops. Thanks for the catch.

        Oh yeah, just a little bitty ocean. They're still dumbasses.

    1. mrblifil

      Absense of evidence is evidently evidence of obsessively deviant abcesses. I think. Obviously we should evidently stop obsessing about abstinence.

  28. mumbly_joe

    This makes perfect sense, because after all, if he fails to find a single specific human-sized object on the floor of the Indian ocean, that means the whole thing was a hoax and Bin Ladin was never killed.

    This is like that time I had to go leave the apartment, but couldn't find my keys, so I concluded that it must not be my apartment and I must be a trespasser and so I called the cops on myself.

  29. fartknocker

    A Wingnut/Birther/Teabagger and his money are soon parted.

    Thomas Tusser (1573); Rev. 2 by fartknocker (2012)

  30. Troubledog

    They made money with a search of Al Capone's vault; why not Davy Jones' locker? Meanwhile, Geraldo Rivera is leading a team into the Alaska mountains to prove Ted Stevens isn't really dead.

  31. widestanceroman

    I can hardly wait for the green screen "coverage" of his discoveries. He really should be taking Geraldo Rivera with him when he opens the Secret Undersea Door To The Truth Only He Can Find.

  32. Ancient_Hacker

    let's do the math:

    1.5 million square miles.

    That's 41817600000000 square feet.

    Assume that you can spot the body from 10 feet away.

    That would require trolling for a distance of 396,000,000 miles.

    Assume you'd troll at 5MPH (kinda fast).

    That would only take 79.2 million hours, which is 3.3 million days, or 9041.095 years.

    Better get started!

  33. ttommyunger

    Grifters will stop these idiotic stunts when the intellectually challenged Nig…I mean Obama Haters run out of cash, not before. My only question is: who thinks this shit up? Amazing.

  34. SorosBot

    Well it's not like, if Osama's death was faked, it would be very easy for him to prove he's still alive and thus seriously embarrass the US and he would have surely done so by now and so only the world's biggest moron would ever have thought faking killing him would be a good idea or anything.

  35. ThundercatHo

    Hey ma, if you could see me now
    Arms spread wide on the starboard bow
    Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow
    Like finding Osama, anything is possible

  36. Terry

    "then do a DNA test on the ship"

    Why does a ship need to have it's DNA tested?

    Osama is fish food by now. Best o' luck with the search, dude.

  37. FakaktaSouth

    Why don't these people say what they mean? I don't trust the MILITARY – not Obama. My head does the circular cluster fuck thing whenever these Patriots say that their beloved military is complicit in a cover up of massive proportions – by blaming Obama and the Government. Wha? Huh?

  38. DaSandman

    Well after the brainiacs find Osama Bin Bait Chum, lets us move on to having them prove the following:

    Prove that all Rethugs and Tea Party "Patriots" are not racists.

  39. Sue4466

    So if you're rich enough to fund shit like underwater searches, when you spout batshit nonsense you don't get taken in for a psych eval, you get interviewed by TMZ. The rich really are different.

    1. V572 [SSAN]

      What would you bet that two qualifications to be a diver on this mission are: (1) you pay your own way, and (2) $10,000 cash in front "investment" to be repaid from the proceeds?

        1. V572 [SSAN]

          “Murder porn” collectors are presumably the target market. Same people who buy the footballs O J Simpson signs for a living now. “See this? It’s bin Laden’s incisor! Authenticated by dental records!”

          1. genxr

            Don't forget the commemorative plates featuring a photo of Osama's mutilated and decomposed face on it. Great for dinner parties!

  40. Sassomatic

    If I can't find my car keys after dropping them at my feet 30 seconds ago in 3 feet of water, how the fuck does he think he's going to find a decomposing corpse in the Indian Ocean several weeks later? And how much are the Koch bothers paying him for this bullshit and why?

  41. Tundra Grifter

    I hope there's room on the Golden Quest vessel for a large banner: "Another Media Whore."

  42. ChessieNefercat

    If you don't agree with the blonde balloonheads on Fox and Friends, you might be a commie socialist ecoterrorist.

    Or a sane, rational human being.

  43. Steverino247

    "Only the dead have seen the end of war." Plato

    "Only the dead have seen the end of dumb." Steverino247

  44. jonzin

    Why is this douche asking for a diver? Surely they didn't dump the body in less than 2000 of water. The average depth is close to 9000 feet. The max depth is 15000 feet. What good would a diver do? What the fuck kind of treasure hunter doesn't understand the limits of diving? Maybe he could borrow an ROV from Bob Ballard? Dumbfuck.

    1. genxr

      With any luck, our downfist troll got a quickie open water certification in Kazumel last summer, and volunteers for this important mission. They sail him out to the middle of the ocean and just shove him off the boat. Good luck! don't come back until you find him!

  45. jus_wonderin

    So this guy doesn't trust the Gov or Obama? And obviously the douche doesn't trust the Navy Seals? Traitor!!

  46. vodkamuppet

    "Deathers" are still a thing? I admit I was skeptical when the news first broke but when AQ started using it for PR there's really no reason to doubt it anymore. I think Obama getting elected short circuited these peoples brains, they completely bailed on critical thinking and reality in general 3 years ago. All they have left is paranoia and Jim Beam.

  47. proudgrampa

    Warren told the Post: "I have a Russian girlfriend, and she tells me that over there, in intelligence circles, they don't believe bin Laden's really dead."


    1. ChessieNefercat

      ""Warren told the Post: "I have a Russian girlfriend, and she tells me that over there, in intelligence circles, they don't believe bin Laden's really dead." "

      Because nutball Bill Warren's mail-order girlfriend from Russia has such close ties to the Russian intelligence community and is on all the top-secret email lists.

      1. Rotundo_

        She also told him she was a virgin, that his was the biggest cock she had ever seen and that she had never taken it in the ass before too. Oh, and she told him she loved him after the check had cashed.

  48. snoopyfan2010

    If only "patriotic americans" put this much effort into confirming the weapons of mass destruction either years ago, we would be in a different place right now.

  49. gurukalehuru

    I have a suggestion: Why don't they search the Atlantic coast near Washington, D.C. and see if they can't find the wreckage of AA flight 77. I'm pretty certain it's down there.

  50. Zombie_Reagan

    I know that logic and common sense are entirely foreign to wingnuts, but have these inbreds ever thought that if OBL was still alive the FIRST thing OBL and/or Al-Queda would do is make a live announcement that the United States failed to kill OBL? Hell, even Al-Queda confirmed OBL was dead.

    There are some serious f**king idiots in this country.

  51. greypanter

    Of course, "any crew member" would be carrying a GPS and marking the spot so they could give away military secrets to help the Wingnut cause.

  52. KommunistKitty

    Aquo-Necrophiliac hate-fuck adventures for patriotism, hooray! Saving American freedom, one sexy terrorist corpse at a time.

  53. tessiee

    What the hell?
    You guys left out the part where Bill Warren said OBL was exquisite and exhilarating.

  54. Rotundo_

    Best comment I have read today. I bow in silent awe, punctuated by snickers, snorts and gut laughs.

Comments are closed.