THE OCEAN FLOOR IS SOCIALIST  9:16 am June 13, 2011

Deathers Will Search Arabian Sea For Osama Body, To Prove It Is Not There

by Wonkette Jr.

as fake as the birth certificateOcean treasure hunter Bill Warren does not trust sketchy terrorist lover Nobama to admit on his own that Osama bin Laden is not dead, so Warren will go visit the North Arabian Sea to search for Osama’s body, to prove once and for all it does not exist. Warren will even take a documentary crew with him, to help declare the ocean Osama-free with hours of footage of nothing. The North Arabian Sea floor is your new Hawaii Department of Health: RELEASE THE CERTIFICATE BODY. Why is the ocean protecting Obama?

From TMZ.com:

Treasure-hunting explorer Bill Warren tells TMZ, the purpose of the excursion “is to try to find out if [Osama] is really dead and to provide to the world the proof that he is … We do this because we are patriotic Americans and feel that President Obama failed to provide the proof.”

Bill adds, “I do not trust my government or Obama.”

The search will take place in the North Arabian Sea, where a U.S. Navy ship allegedly dumped Osama’s body back in May. Bill explains, “We intend to locate/recover his body and photograph and video tape him, then do a DNA test on the ship.”

What high tech investigative plan does Warren have for finding Osama’s body? Like any good wingnut, he will Ask the Internet. Here is Bill, responding to a thread on a Yahoo! Answers message board last month, trying to find someone who can tell him where Osama’s body is:

Conspiracy wingnuts have a new strategy: at least pick something the president can’t begrudgingly produce after they nag him about it for a while. [TMZ.com]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 200 comments }

philpjfry June 13, 2011 at 9:21 am

How is it that idiots like this are not institutionalized? Is there noithing they won't do to avoid giving credit to a black President?

ohsuzanna June 13, 2011 at 10:17 am

1. I don't know.
2. No.

GOPCrusher June 13, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Sounds like Bill Warren is putting his tax cuts to good use.

lulzmonger June 13, 2011 at 2:49 pm

1. The soft bigotry of low global sanity levels.
2. No.

tessiee June 13, 2011 at 6:39 pm

No. No, there is not.

SarcasticNymph June 15, 2011 at 1:20 am

Ronnie Raygun closed the institutions, remember? Part of the long term strategy. (drinking)

Cat_Damon June 13, 2011 at 9:21 am

right off the bat, "golden quest" should be reason enough not to respond to this.

OneDollarJuana June 13, 2011 at 10:11 am

Think Mr. Warren takes a golden shower after each golden quest?

Preferred Customer June 13, 2011 at 5:01 pm

He does spend a lot of time talking about water play.

EDIT: And the "are you a diver" question seems suspicious, too, but I am not up on all the lingo the kids are using these days.

PsycWench June 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

It probably is more of a "brass quest" or possibly "plastic quest"

riverside68 June 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

Pyrite quest?

GOPCrusher June 13, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Sounds like a job for Indiana Jones.

JustPixelz June 13, 2011 at 9:22 am

I sure hope he finds the body, otherwise the only conclusion is bin Laden is with 70 virgins somewhere. Though he could be in Hell, like reading Palin e-mails or watching Hardball.

DashboardBuddha June 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

…Or watching Chris Matthews read the Palin emails.

PsycWench June 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

or working on Newt Gingrich's campaign.

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 11:15 am

I'd pay good money to see/hear that.

GOPCrusher June 13, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Or watching Palin fondle Chris Matthews' hardballs in Hell.

TheMeatmaker June 13, 2011 at 9:23 am

Golden Quest? Sounds more like Johnny Quest. Except Bill Warren would put Hadji in the hold for six years and waterboard him for information. Or just for kicks.

weejee June 13, 2011 at 9:27 am

Since it is a golden quest, would the waterboarding be a spin on a golden shower?

Chet Kincaid June 13, 2011 at 9:53 am

I acknowledge your firstiness, but I like my storyboards better.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 13, 2011 at 9:24 am
Ducksworthy June 13, 2011 at 10:00 am

Excellent!

weejee June 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

There are two three things in life that are certain cretin: birthers, deathers, and Texas.

JustPixelz June 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

Truthers, too — above all.

[redacted]hse June 13, 2011 at 6:39 pm

And git-tars tuned good.

RedneckMuslin June 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

"We do this because we are patriotic Americans and feel that President Obama failed to provide the proof.”

Bill adds, “I do not trust my government or Obama.”

Does he see the hypocrisy in these sentences?

Arken June 13, 2011 at 9:29 am

They never do. They always talk about how patriotic they are and how much they hate the country and the government simultaneously.

LiveToServeYa June 13, 2011 at 9:40 am

That's because they are patriots for Jesusland, not the United States.

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 11:15 am

No, they are sovereign citizens.

OneDollarJuana June 13, 2011 at 10:14 am

Get real. From 2001 to 2009 I was very patriotic, but didn't trust my government (at least at the highest levels) or Bush. It is possible.

And I bet you don't trust your Supreme Court these days, do you? You hypocrite.

Arken June 13, 2011 at 10:19 am

I like how you called me a hypocrite without waiting for my answer to find out whether or not I actually am a hypocrite.

RedneckMuslin June 13, 2011 at 10:25 am

I'm still not all that patriotic. So shoot me.

finallyhappy June 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

I agree with you. I worked for the gov't at a time when Reagan(what a surprise)was conducting a witch hunt at my agency to see if we were giving money to liberals or lesbians(really-not kidding here). I was patriotic but didn't trust that part of the gov't or the President. While working for the Feds more recently, I wrote a letter to Margaret Spellings who was the useless head of Education under Bush- and told her that she had no competence to be head of any agency. I certainly never trusted Bush and despite being a Fed(no more!), had concerns about so much of the Gov't(FEMA!!!!- Brownie!)

snoopyfan2010 June 13, 2011 at 1:04 pm

The difference is that your mistrust was specific and based on actual concern for the country. These guys use patriotism to deflect other prejudices that have nothing to do with a concern for the country but rather self preservation. (Your Reagan example for one)

JustPixelz June 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

You know how else failed to provide the proof? George W Bush just before he sent 6000 American soldiers to die in service of his Oedipal issues.

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

But you gotta show Dad yer a man! Otherwise you can't have sex with…OH NO!!!1!!

freakishlywrong June 13, 2011 at 9:50 am

Asshole wingnuts wouldn't see hypocrisy if it bit them on the neck.

4tehlulz_lite June 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

No, because the ZOG and their negro puppet is not the True American Government.

ManchuCandidate June 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

The corpses are always deader
From a black man''s order
You dream about going out there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Your IQ lower than whale shit
What more is you lookin' for?

Under the sea
Under the sea
Nutters they're deader
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me
Up in Pakistan they get shot down
Out on the land they rot away
While water's devotin'
Full time to dispern'
Under the sea

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:10 am

Bravo (clap clap)!

Gotta be another tune from the Little Mermaid that will also fit this idiotic expedition.
Or Finding Nemo?

DashboardBuddha June 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

With any luck, one of the heavily armed crazy ass groups in the area will be offended by the desecration caused and fire a Silkworm missle up his ass.

genxr June 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

Obama should have said they dumped his body off the coast of Somalia.

BaldarTFlagass June 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

Obama's probably crewing for Davey Jones on the The Flying Dutchman, so good luck!!!

AddHomonym June 13, 2011 at 10:33 am

I see what you did there.

Mumbletypeg June 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

Aren't there more important things to devote these ocean-trawling* energy & resources toward? Say, assist with cleaning up the Garbage Patch of Plastic from Hell, or mitigating damage on marine life rendered by the crises in Japan & Gulf of Mexico?

*curious bit here: merriam-webster online links the definition of trawl to "troll [v.]." Reckon I've set myself up: have at it, downfisterz.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

Sacrilege!

We have a Garbage Patch of Plastic from Hell because Jesus wants us to have it.

You must be one of those ecoterrorists I hear about on the Bill O'Reilly show.
~

freakishlywrong June 13, 2011 at 10:02 am

Mumblety is "far left"..

slamtundra June 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

No, it's not so much that Jesus wants it, it's just that he doesn't care about this shit hole. Remember, we're in this world but not of it so why make it better? Nope, fuck this place.

At least that's how I understand that thread of belief to go.

And I am one of those ecoterrorists you hear so much about. I use CFLs.

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 10:05 am

Or maybe the USA finally could ratify the UN Law of the Seas from 19fucking82! Gah!

finallyhappy June 13, 2011 at 11:41 am

Mumblety- wonder if we know each other as part of my recent work was talking about these things(the Garbage Patch and the damage from BP and the earthquake- not looking for Osama). However, if we do, don't tell me- I am trying to stay anonymous-somewhat

deanbooth June 13, 2011 at 9:27 am

I'm sure we can trust this Warren report.

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

There could have been a sniper on the grassy knoll – after all, Bin Laden was shot twice in the head….

jus_wonderin June 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

"Left, and to the back. Left, and to the back."

Serolf_Divad June 13, 2011 at 9:27 am

You laugh, but consider this: fundie wingnuts have launched expeditions that found a half-dozen Noah's Arcs. So I fully expect this guy to find at least two Osama Bin Ladin corpses… maybe more.

ManchuCandidate June 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

Shroud of Osama?

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 9:56 am

Raiders Of The Lost Maniac?

skoalrebel June 13, 2011 at 9:28 am

Fuck yeah! [spit!]
Us deathers are always ready to keep seeking the truth.
This means it's time for some people's poetry in the form of a High-Koo!

Calm summer seas
Divers seek the deep truth
Where is Osama?

Boehneriffic June 13, 2011 at 10:34 am

And as birthers/deathers/TP'ers, we will keep searching for the truth. Until that truth finally matches our fucked up worldview.

baconzgood June 13, 2011 at 9:29 am

He's in Bikini Bottom hanging out with Squidward….Duh.

ThundercatHo June 13, 2011 at 10:25 am

Mmmmm, Crabby Patties (with bacon, of course)

Maman June 13, 2011 at 9:30 am

What exactly is the plan once he finds the body? Sell off bone fragments for profit?

PubOption June 13, 2011 at 9:55 am

That worked for the Catholics in the middle ages.

Maman June 13, 2011 at 10:16 am

An excellent point… but it was the bones of other Catholics.. so no one objected.

imissopus June 13, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Or rendered in the appropriate Wonkette Meme Format:

1) Find OBL's fish-nibbled corpse
2) ?????
3) Profit!!!

EatsBabyDingos June 13, 2011 at 9:30 am

"do a DNA test on the ship:" Jus' gessin', but I'm thinking steel. Related to Clark Kent?

zhubajie June 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

Is doofus a dowser? Maybe a pendulum will find something or other.

baconzgood June 13, 2011 at 9:32 am

"1.5 Million square miles? Piece of cake findin' him"

-Bill "are you fucking serious dude" Warren-

Angry_Marmot June 13, 2011 at 11:43 am

Hell, for ten years they couldn't find him in an area the size of Colorado.

ArmoredBore June 13, 2011 at 1:54 pm

There was kind of a reason for tossing OBL into the ocean: it'd be hard- if not, impossible- to find the body, so crazy people wouldn't be able to parade it around. Works for both Islamic extremists and Deathers… who also happen to share a mutual hatred of America! ZOMG CONSPIRIMACY

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

Sounds like a plan. Except the Indian Ocean covers roughly 14% of the Earth’s surface area. My guess is that they dumped him in the Java Trench (23,812 feet below sea level) – good luck getting your rented mini-sub to dive to that depth. Hahaha.

HobbesEvilTwin June 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

And of course, if our intrepid diver doesn't find the body, that will be unequivocal proof that Nobama Lied!

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 9:59 am

And the fact that he got crushed when his sub ruptured at -20,000 leagues shows that evil Nobama's powers reach everywhere.

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 11:17 am

He's already a crypto-fascist socialist Sharia implementer; why not make Obama a worshipper of Poseidon, too?

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:19 am

Are you suggesting that logic might not be this brainiac's strong suit?

AJWjr. June 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

I'm willing to kick in one dollar for every foot a human reaches deeper than 20,000. Who's with me?

ShiftyParadigm June 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

Where can I contribute to the Somali Pirates Protection and Development Fund?

bumfug June 13, 2011 at 9:34 am

I looked around under the ocean for treasure once, didn't find it. Obviously, somebody lied to me – treasure doesn't exist.

tessiee June 13, 2011 at 6:56 pm

They haven't found Blackbeard's treasure yet, but they *did* find his anchor, which is somewhat awesome:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/28/blackbea

Goonemeritus June 13, 2011 at 9:34 am

Yet these guys didn’t seem to need physical evidence of weapons of mass destruction stuff like that you just take their word.

snoopyfan2010 June 13, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I said the same thing. Makes you wonder what they are really trying to proove.

baconzgood June 13, 2011 at 9:34 am

Is it wrong for me to cheer for Somali pirates?

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

I plan on spending the day eating tamales in support of Somalis.

Don't judge me — I'm an American and therefore can believe that words that sound at least a little alike must be related.

AJWjr. June 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

NO, damnit: Tuesday is Red's tamales day!

AJWjr. June 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

Heh. something tells me the Navy SEALs wouldn't be as effectively deployed this time.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 13, 2011 at 9:37 am

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly be prouder of this nation.

USA! USA! USA!
~

hollywooddood June 13, 2011 at 9:37 am

After a month and a half, wouldn't Osama bin Laden be fish poop by now?

MARCdMan June 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

More likely crab, worm and slime mold poop.

OneDollarJuana June 13, 2011 at 10:17 am

Don't they wrap the corpses in Hefty Trash Can Liners? Should keep for aeons.

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 10:26 am

Dexter Morgan does. It seems to work fine for him.

Chillwaver June 13, 2011 at 9:39 am

But, aren't these Deathers just "Curious Muricans"?

OneDollarJuana June 13, 2011 at 10:17 am

Curious and Yellow (showing my age).

jqheywood June 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Olaf Palme, is that you?

GuyClinch June 13, 2011 at 9:39 am

This is a great idea. In 1993 I accidentally dropped my lucky bottlecap in the Gulf of Tallinn. Since I know I dropped it in there, and would like to have it back, no doubt I can hire this Warren fellow to go find it.

RedneckMuslin June 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

And if he doesn't find it, its not there.

weejee June 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

Speaking of folks getting buried at see, Bill Maher and Jane Lynch do a wonderful uncensored reading of the Weinerlogues.

Resignation in 3, 2, 1….

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

Weiner's apparently well beyond shameless. When the leader of your own goddam party in the House tells you to go, why would you stay, unless you'd transcended shame?

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

There's no reason for him to leave, though; the Democrats are being idiots in demanding he resign when the Republicans have rallied around their comrades for sex scandals that were actually scandalous instead of this lame tame bullshit.

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 11:06 am

“The other guys are worse” is a fairly weak argument. Without Demo leadership support he’ll never get any goodies for his district be less effective as a representative. If he quits for a caretaker now and is re-elected, it’ll be like it never happened. Problem solved! I love him forever for calling Lieberman a dick.

weejee June 13, 2011 at 11:42 am

Joe is the archetype schmuckmazzle – the perfect union of a schmuck and a schlemazel.

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

Considering that the "other guys" are the party that claims to support family values and wants the government to tell people what they can and can't do with their dicks / pussies and yet the media usually gives a free pass on with sex scandals even if they involve actual crimes, I disagree. All Weiner did was flirt with other women, which should really only be a problem between him and his wife.

I'm glad to see him so far giving the finger to all the puritanical scolds demanding his head for pretty mild behavior, which wouldn't be wrong at all if he wasn't married, and he would be an idiot to resign over this, and the Dems calling for him to quit are idiots too.

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

"You get to work and save the country from these cock-sucking Republicans!" Weiner/Vegas BJ Dealer 2012!

JoshuaNorton June 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

Ruh roh! Are Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred going too?

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:22 am

No, they're not idiots.

freakishlywrong June 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

Anyone else just paralyzed in to a permanent eyeroll and consistent, deep embarrassment?

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

This is a very bad idea. If we disturb the slumbering OBL, this Onion article could come true!

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 10:01 am

Don't they all come true eventually?

genxr June 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

That's why they didn't dump him off the coast of Japan.

El Pinche June 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

Bill Warren, America's mentally challenged Jacque Cousteau

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:23 am

Bill Warren, America's mentally challenged Mr. Limpet.

FlownOver June 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

Finally, a target for Somali pirates we can all support.

Chet Kincaid June 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

Ooh, I saw this episode of Jonny Quest! Hadji levitated the body out of the ocean, and then the boys chased Bandit around the boat with Osama's hand in his mouth. Race and Dr. Quest were "belowdecks", if you know what I mean.

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

Johnny Quest? I may be old, but even an old man like I only knows what that was from hearing my dad talk about it; that is one seriously ancient reference.

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:28 am

I was a little kid when it was on, but I didn't think of myself as "ancient." Until just now. My kids are right?

Chet Kincaid June 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

How do you define old? 26? New versions of Jonny Quest were on Cartoon Network as late as the late '90s.

Angry_Marmot June 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

I always thought Jade was kinda hot.

TheMeatmaker June 13, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I like your storyboard better, too. And I'm scared there are multiple Johnny Quest survivors on this message board.

El Pinche June 13, 2011 at 9:49 am

Will there be a TLC show as well? "The Search for Bin Laden" before "Cupcake Wars" and after "Freaky Eaters"

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

And alternating with "Sarah Palin's Arizona."

FlownOver June 13, 2011 at 9:50 am

Damn you, bacon and shifty. I had to have that second cup, didn't I?

baconzgood June 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

It happens.

jqheywood June 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

That's funny….Jim never has a second cup at home….

LiveToServeYa June 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Somewhere, the sharks that eat only stupid ( stupidvores) have had their mysterious prey-detection senses light up like a Christmas tree.

Angry_Marmot June 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

I'm hoping they wake up a megalodon down there.

Mapmonger June 13, 2011 at 9:53 am

This makes me want to go home and drink until I'm dumb enough for this shit to make sense.

MrFizzy June 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

Sounds like a quixotic enterprise, much like the war in Afghanistan, only cheaper by a trillion.

johnnymeatworth June 13, 2011 at 9:55 am

"The Ocean Is The Ultimate Solution"–Frank Zappa

PsycWench June 13, 2011 at 9:57 am

If by some miracle he found the body it would be declared a fake, rendered unrecognizable by those terrorist-loving fish.

carlgt1 June 13, 2011 at 10:01 am

HAHA – these idiots are the kings of "prove a universal negative!" sort of like that easy task they gave Saddam — "prove to us you have no nuclear weapons!

the great thing will be if they find OBL's body you know they'll "preserve" it in a vat of bacon grease….

tessiee June 13, 2011 at 7:00 pm

a/k/a, Prove to me that there is NOT an IOU in my pocket for a million dollars, signed by you.

Rotundo_ June 13, 2011 at 7:14 pm

And preserve it right near a major metropolitan area (think Dallas or somewhere warm) and the remnants of BinLadin's followers can blow that city up too. If it were in Florida, somewhere near Dinnyworld would work, and Dinnyworld wouldn't be missed much.

x111e7thst June 13, 2011 at 10:02 am

I've said it before but it's worth repeating: Death is the only cure for stupid.

tessiee June 13, 2011 at 7:01 pm

I forget who said this first, but evil is better than stupid, because at least evil sometimes has to take a rest.

VinnyThePooh June 13, 2011 at 10:02 am

Okay, SEALs. New op. A fun-filled ship-boarding exercise. Just need your Draegers and about 50 pounds of C4. You're gonna recreate the boat sinking scene in the opening of Fool's Gold.

YasserArraFeck June 13, 2011 at 10:03 am

They have about as much chance of finding a body on the ocean floor as……Mamma Grizzly has of assembling a coherent sentence.

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 10:07 am

Sillies! Just because no one has found Atlantis doesn't mean it isn't there! Oh wait, what are they looking for? A single decomposing body with severe injuries that was not put in any type of waterproof coffin, in the Atlantic Ocean?

And if these geniuses don't find it, that means it isn't there? Someone needs to explain the Circle of Life to them.

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

No, they're looking for a single decomposing body with severe injuries that was not put in any type of waterproof coffin in the INDIAN ocean. Which is gonna be sooo much easier, I'm sure.

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:34 am

Whoops. Thanks for the catch.

Oh yeah, just a little bitty ocean. They're still dumbasses.

smashedinhat June 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

Finally, something worthy of the (s)nooze.

Ducksworthy June 13, 2011 at 10:12 am

Wait. Is the absence of evidence evidence of absence or the other way around?

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 10:48 am

The absence of absinthe is evidence of inebriation, I think. I can never remember the rules on these things.

mrblifil June 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Absense of evidence is evidently evidence of obsessively deviant abcesses. I think. Obviously we should evidently stop obsessing about abstinence.

mumbly_joe June 13, 2011 at 10:12 am

This makes perfect sense, because after all, if he fails to find a single specific human-sized object on the floor of the Indian ocean, that means the whole thing was a hoax and Bin Ladin was never killed.

This is like that time I had to go leave the apartment, but couldn't find my keys, so I concluded that it must not be my apartment and I must be a trespasser and so I called the cops on myself.

bflrtsplk June 13, 2011 at 10:15 am

Warren has vowed to waterboard every body of water in Central Asia to get at the truth.

CapeClod June 13, 2011 at 10:20 am

I wish I had a pointless activity that allowed me to leave the country for a few weeks.

imissopus June 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I've heard of these things called "vacations," if you can afford one. But you're an American, so not likely.

fartknocker June 13, 2011 at 10:21 am

A Wingnut/Birther/Teabagger and his money are soon parted.

Thomas Tusser (1573); Rev. 2 by fartknocker (2012)

Troubledog June 13, 2011 at 10:22 am

They made money with a search of Al Capone's vault; why not Davy Jones' locker? Meanwhile, Geraldo Rivera is leading a team into the Alaska mountains to prove Ted Stevens isn't really dead.

widestanceroman June 13, 2011 at 10:25 am

I can hardly wait for the green screen "coverage" of his discoveries. He really should be taking Geraldo Rivera with him when he opens the Secret Undersea Door To The Truth Only He Can Find.

Beetagger June 13, 2011 at 10:27 am

Paging Steve Irwin's stingray…

Ancient_Hacker June 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

let's do the math:

1.5 million square miles.

That's 41817600000000 square feet.

Assume that you can spot the body from 10 feet away.

That would require trolling for a distance of 396,000,000 miles.

Assume you'd troll at 5MPH (kinda fast).

That would only take 79.2 million hours, which is 3.3 million days, or 9041.095 years.

Better get started!

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

And, please, someone forget and leave the food supplies on the dock. Whoopsies!

metamarcisf June 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

Why does the North Arabian Sea hate the Constitution?

ttommyunger June 13, 2011 at 10:32 am

Grifters will stop these idiotic stunts when the intellectually challenged Nig…I mean Obama Haters run out of cash, not before. My only question is: who thinks this shit up? Amazing.

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 10:42 am

Well it's not like, if Osama's death was faked, it would be very easy for him to prove he's still alive and thus seriously embarrass the US and he would have surely done so by now and so only the world's biggest moron would ever have thought faking killing him would be a good idea or anything.

ThundercatHo June 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

Hey ma, if you could see me now
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow
Like finding Osama, anything is possible

Terry June 13, 2011 at 10:46 am

"then do a DNA test on the ship"

Why does a ship need to have it's DNA tested?

Osama is fish food by now. Best o' luck with the search, dude.

FakaktaSouth June 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

Why don't these people say what they mean? I don't trust the MILITARY – not Obama. My head does the circular cluster fuck thing whenever these Patriots say that their beloved military is complicit in a cover up of massive proportions – by blaming Obama and the Government. Wha? Huh?

DaSandman June 13, 2011 at 10:50 am

Well after the brainiacs find Osama Bin Bait Chum, lets us move on to having them prove the following:

Prove that all Rethugs and Tea Party "Patriots" are not racists.

Sue4466 June 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

So if you're rich enough to fund shit like underwater searches, when you spout batshit nonsense you don't get taken in for a psych eval, you get interviewed by TMZ. The rich really are different.

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 11:29 am

What would you bet that two qualifications to be a diver on this mission are: (1) you pay your own way, and (2) $10,000 cash in front "investment" to be repaid from the proceeds?

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:39 am

What proceeds? The sailors weighted him with gold bricks?

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

“Murder porn” collectors are presumably the target market. Same people who buy the footballs O J Simpson signs for a living now. “See this? It’s bin Laden’s incisor! Authenticated by dental records!”

genxr June 13, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Don't forget the commemorative plates featuring a photo of Osama's mutilated and decomposed face on it. Great for dinner parties!

Sue4466 June 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

So, like a whackadoo pyramid scheme.

Though I suppose that's a bit redundant.

Sassomatic June 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

If I can't find my car keys after dropping them at my feet 30 seconds ago in 3 feet of water, how the fuck does he think he's going to find a decomposing corpse in the Indian Ocean several weeks later? And how much are the Koch bothers paying him for this bullshit and why?

Tundra Grifter June 13, 2011 at 11:04 am

Pearl or muff?

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 11:27 am

USA Trilogy FTW.

Tundra Grifter June 13, 2011 at 11:05 am

I hope there's room on the Golden Quest vessel for a large banner: "Another Media Whore."

starfanglednut June 13, 2011 at 11:06 am

Oh, and Ah wants to see the long form corpse! No decomposed, fish nibbled body parts for me. You think Ah'm stupid?

BZ1 June 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

Oh, for the want of a brain, goes treasure hunter Bill Warren…

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

If you don't agree with the blonde balloonheads on Fox and Friends, you might be a commie socialist ecoterrorist.

Or a sane, rational human being.

Steverino247 June 13, 2011 at 11:13 am

"Only the dead have seen the end of war." Plato

"Only the dead have seen the end of dumb." Steverino247

jonzin June 13, 2011 at 11:23 am

Why is this douche asking for a diver? Surely they didn't dump the body in less than 2000 of water. The average depth is close to 9000 feet. The max depth is 15000 feet. What good would a diver do? What the fuck kind of treasure hunter doesn't understand the limits of diving? Maybe he could borrow an ROV from Bob Ballard? Dumbfuck.

genxr June 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

With any luck, our downfist troll got a quickie open water certification in Kazumel last summer, and volunteers for this important mission. They sail him out to the middle of the ocean and just shove him off the boat. Good luck! don't come back until you find him!

metamarcisf June 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

With my favorite set contraption, the underwater shark cage.

jus_wonderin June 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

So this guy doesn't trust the Gov or Obama? And obviously the douche doesn't trust the Navy Seals? Traitor!!

vodkamuppet June 13, 2011 at 11:44 am

"Deathers" are still a thing? I admit I was skeptical when the news first broke but when AQ started using it for PR there's really no reason to doubt it anymore. I think Obama getting elected short circuited these peoples brains, they completely bailed on critical thinking and reality in general 3 years ago. All they have left is paranoia and Jim Beam.

genxr June 13, 2011 at 11:51 am

People do say he monkeys around.

proudgrampa June 13, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Warren told the Post: "I have a Russian girlfriend, and she tells me that over there, in intelligence circles, they don't believe bin Laden's really dead."

Figures.

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 4:52 pm

""Warren told the Post: "I have a Russian girlfriend, and she tells me that over there, in intelligence circles, they don't believe bin Laden's really dead." "

Because nutball Bill Warren's mail-order girlfriend from Russia has such close ties to the Russian intelligence community and is on all the top-secret email lists.

Rotundo_ June 13, 2011 at 7:30 pm

She also told him she was a virgin, that his was the biggest cock she had ever seen and that she had never taken it in the ass before too. Oh, and she told him she loved him after the check had cashed.

mrblifil June 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Something tells me when they come up for air they'll be holding more gross Anthony Weiner photos.

Guppy06 June 13, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Eight hundred meters of black liquid funeral…

Go Team Venture!

fuflans June 13, 2011 at 12:32 pm

this should go well.

snoopyfan2010 June 13, 2011 at 12:49 pm

If only "patriotic americans" put this much effort into confirming the weapons of mass destruction either years ago, we would be in a different place right now.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] June 13, 2011 at 12:53 pm

How the fuck will they do a DNA test without a control sample? Are they going to ask Osama's son for a DNA sample?

Glomar Explorer II, FTW!

imissopus June 13, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Seems like a pretty extreme way to get out of jury duty.

imissopus June 13, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Wasn't this the plot of a Jessica Alba movie?

Ducksworthy June 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I just hope Lloyd has his trusty speargun along.

gurukalehuru June 13, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I have a suggestion: Why don't they search the Atlantic coast near Washington, D.C. and see if they can't find the wreckage of AA flight 77. I'm pretty certain it's down there.

Zombie_Reagan June 13, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I know that logic and common sense are entirely foreign to wingnuts, but have these inbreds ever thought that if OBL was still alive the FIRST thing OBL and/or Al-Queda would do is make a live announcement that the United States failed to kill OBL? Hell, even Al-Queda confirmed OBL was dead.

There are some serious f**king idiots in this country.

Redhead June 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Great! Let them keep looking! As long as they don't give up before November…

greypanter June 13, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Of course, "any crew member" would be carrying a GPS and marking the spot so they could give away military secrets to help the Wingnut cause.

ChessieNefercat June 13, 2011 at 4:53 pm

That's how you can tell they are "patriots."

poncho_pilot June 13, 2011 at 2:19 pm

habeas corpus, indeed.

KommunistKitty June 13, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Aquo-Necrophiliac hate-fuck adventures for patriotism, hooray! Saving American freedom, one sexy terrorist corpse at a time.

zhubajie June 13, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Any chance he'll be kidnapped by pirates?

tessiee June 13, 2011 at 6:51 pm

??
What the hell?
You guys left out the part where Bill Warren said OBL was exquisite and exhilarating.

Rotundo_ June 13, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Best comment I have read today. I bow in silent awe, punctuated by snickers, snorts and gut laughs.

tessiee June 13, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Their mistrust is specific too; it's just idiotic and hateful:
They're afraid that "the gummint" will give moneys to those poor "urban" people and change the laws so that Billy Bob will have to wait three days to get his newest gun.

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