meet your new wonkette pal!

Meet Your Newest Wonkette, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, From Mexico!

aqui esta tu alt textFAITHFUL READERS: Here is a quick note from your newest patriot/Wonkette contributor. Hello, you! I just spent the last four years as an expatriate journalist in Mexico, this popular beach colony whose most famous exports are the swine flu and Republican talking points about space aliens. No one told me to go to Mexico, but I did, and I would recommend it if you can deal with horrible problems like the terrible Internet speed and the fact that there is nothing to eat at 3 a.m. besides tacos al pastor anywhere in Mexico, at all, ever. Probably you shouldn’t be out in the street at 3 a.m. there, though. At least I didn’t get swine flu, which is good, because apparently you can’t write for Wonkette unless you’ve got a recent “don’t have swine flu” card.

Like Michele Bachmann, I recently got a revelation from Jesus, and he told me to return to the United States and move to Brooklyn and write for Wonkette. I told this to Ken Layne and he said, sure, that sounds good, here’s your login, goodbye forever. That sounds like sort of a cliche, Jesus!, but whatever. Jesus tells us to do weird things, right?

I originally hail from a small Midwestern town, which is irrelevant except to say that I was not born a terrible East Coast elitist jerkwad, and at one point or another in my childhood I probably wore a few American Flag t-shirts without any sense of irony, before fleeing the country to become one of the Messicans. Now I will write Weiner/wiener puns, all day, for you, because this is all that remains of the American Dream.

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Hola wonkerados.

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244 comments

  1. Boredw/Gravitas

    Ken, have you seen her green card/birth certificate?

    Bienvenidos, compadre. Welcome to Wonkette!

  2. nounverb911

    "he told me to return to the United States and move to Brooklyn and write for Wonkette"
    Can you give us your daily weiner report from Nathan's on Coney Island?

    BTW. Welcome to the family.

  3. LiveToServeYa

    Well, you've got guts. Add TruckNutz and ass-fucking and Wonkette should be a cakewalk. Don't go all crazy on us, please, or at least don't go crazy in serious ways.

  4. Lascauxcaveman

    Really, a dozen comments down, and I'm the first one to think of saying "Show us your tits"?

    (Oh, wait. When we did that with that Formerly Anonymous Lobbyist lady, she actually sorta did. Nevermind.)

    1. natoslug

      I think our Juniors were deleting "show us your tits" posts. But if you're desperate, I'll show you mine. Mini-moobs count, right? Yeah, I need to step away from the computer a little more often.

    1. DahBoner

      "Were you legally or illegally in Mexico? "

      Everythings illegal in Mexico (except personal possession of drugs).

      But no one cares…

  5. Doktor Zoom

    Also, please allow me to be the first second to gripe about the lack of amusing alt-text on your photo.

    It's the internet–this is what we do, you know.

    God, the new format sucks. I hate change. Also, you're probably not liberal enough. The quality of Our Wonkette is already declining from the halcyon days of ten minutes ago.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Christ al Jesus. I know you always get an owner's manual, but nobody ever reads the goddamned thing.

      Kirsten, ignore Oldy McGrumpypants here. Just like every Christian in America, you're free to ignore the Bible at will, as long as you hate everyone else the same way.

    1. V572 [SSAN]

      Your theory lies in shards on the floor. It happens to everyone eventually.

      Welcome tri-nomial Kirsten Boyd Johnson, and we'll try to get the T's in the right names!

        1. V572 [SSAN]

          As Karl Popper said, there are two kinds of theories: those that have been proven wrong, and those that have not yet been proven wrong.

          This doesn't mean a goddamn thing, but passes for deep thought in some circles.

          By the way, you are my heroine.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Where is Extemporaneous?

      He's been sulking over in the corner with his kiddie porn ever since Ken told him he wasn't selected to be the permanent Wonkette Jr.

          1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Which, I'm sure Santorum and Bachmann would tell you, explains all the butt sex.

    3. weejee

      I wuz with you with the Extermperanus, butt we had none DNA to prove s/he has a Y chromosome.

      Welcome KBJ, to the hysterical snark society known as the Wonkette.

  6. MittsHairHelmet

    Hiring a Mexican to work for little to no pay? Wonkette is officially part of Real America.

    1. DahBoner

      "Wonkette is officially part of Real America."

      Ridiculous!

      For that, Ken would have to send the Mexican to buy loads of Oxycontin and off-label Viagra.

      My friends, that is a Real American!

    2. Sparky_McGruff

      I guess driving by the Home Depot looking for writers is better than cruising through the restrooms at the Minneapolis airport, looking for young boys…

      1. horsedreamer_1

        That would be a great bit for some underground theatre company in Bay Ridge. Have a bunch of dishevelled hipsters, palms out, milling by the Menard's (do they have Menard's, in NYC?), waiting for one of Judd Apatow's people to pick them up.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      If I were president I'd pass a law where only people whose last names mean "penis" could write jokes about people whose last names mean "penis."

  7. KeepFnThatChicken

    With all the bad news coming out of Mexico in the last four years, this is about to become a vacation for you, isn't it?

    p.s. Welcome aboard!

    1. JustPixelz

      Yes. Welcome aboard … America. Pay no attention to the ice strewn on the deck. Your job here at wonkette is to make sure the deck chairs are arranged properly. Also, be sure there are enough lifeboats for our — ahem — First Class citizens.

  8. tymberwolf817

    On behalf of (for now) East Coast elitist jerkwads everywhere, welcome not just to the East Coast but to the hipster Mecca of Brooklyn! One of us . . . one of us . . .

    1. jjdaddyo

      Living in Brooklyn is OK, unless you wear those thick frame glasses…. then, then you must die.
      If they are clear glass (no prescription) thick frame glasses, then John Yoo says waterboarding is necessary.

  9. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Like Michele Bachmann, I recently got a revelation from Jesus, and he told me to return to the United States and move to Brooklyn and write for Wonkette.

    So there is hope! I'm still waiting for my calling.

    P.S. Welcome!
    ~

    1. Guppy06

      I thought Jesus was calling me yesterday afternoon, but it turned out just to be a debt collector.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I think those chickenshits at Breitbart have banned him from their sites. Sadly, Meta is eventually going to lose his remarkably negative pee altogether, unless he starts trolling here, something fierce.

    1. DahBoner

      "Where's the birth certificate?"

      You buy them in T.J., ride in the trunk of a 1978 Mercury Marqui, chill in a safe house in Phoenix and then work in the lawn care trade to pay back your passage.

      Then you are free to write for Wonkette!

      WHAT A GREAT CUNTRY THIS IS!!!

  10. freakishlywrong

    Welcome aboard the truknutz express! We like out pics of Romney packin' the fudge and our pics of frothy Santorums excepting defeat with hostage children crying. Carry on.

  11. Barb

    Kirsten, I enjoy your writing, thanks! You should end each story with "careful, the plate is hot" I'm just sayin'….

  12. SorosBot

    Welcome to KBJ (hm, just one space on the alphabet off…). Good thing you moved to Brooklyn, since it appears to be Wonkette law that all contributors who are not Ken Layne have to be based in either New York or Washington.

  13. Goonemeritus

    Good luck with the new gig hope it will be fun and make you as wealthy as King Farouk. However your illegal status troubles me, we Eastern jerk wads are generally suspicious of immigrants from the Mid West.

  14. Maman

    You moved from Minnesota (guessing) to Mexico to Brooklyn? That isn't the elitist route… its the hipster way. Welcome.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    like the terrible Internet speed

    I'm trying to remember… in "A Moveable Feast," did Hemingway et al. even have fax machines yet?

    … there is nothing to eat at 3 a.m. besides tacos al pastor anywhere in Mexico

    I salute you with the deep-fried Mexi-melt I just started craving, even though such doesn't exist yet (not where I am, anyway). Welcome Wonkette newster.. thanks for the up close and personal background herstory.

    1. Crank_Tango

      i remember the wind whipping down the place de la contrescarpe as we would head down the rue cardinal lemoine, toward the river, where we would get crepes al pastor from a little arab guy in the latin quarter…

      something like that.

  16. neiltheblaze

    Welcome to our new Wonkette uber-mistress! (Sounds like it should come with a Dominatrix outfit – but I think Sara Benincasa stole it.)

    1. JustPixelz

      Nice try, but I think the new wonkette only speaks spanglish. Try saying it louder while waving your hands around.

      HI!!! … SNARKSTER!!!!!

  17. KeepFnThatChicken

    I'd talk shit on the 'net all day if I could get paid for it.

    wait…

    according to my post-whoring log on Intensedebate, I do. Minus the pay part.

    1. HistoriCat

      Today we are all shit talkers on the net minus pay.

      Shit – that's pretty much every day isn't it?

      1. KeepFnThatChicken

        I just updated my resume, with a new bullet point:

        Excellent volunteer communication skills

  18. Billmatic

    This is true, also serious case of the mud butt afterwards but it's so worth it.

    Best tacos al pastor in the country of 'Merica: the taco truck in front of Hardbodies, N. St. Mary's St., San Antonio, TX.

  19. elviouslyqueer

    Also, Kirsten, I'm sure Ken waterboarded you in to liveblogging the living shit out of tonight's GOP circular firing squad. Think of it as a sort of sorority hazing, only with less spanking and more tears and acrimony.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Nah, because liquor is an assumed variable. What we need is a drinking game to make the liveblogging worthwhile. Like, say, taking a shot every time Reagan is mentioned, so that Kirsten can be totally shitfaced by 5 minutes in.

    1. Rotundo_

      Watching the nutters circle Mitt like great whites around a freshly stuck pig and then going in for the attack will be all the spanking anyone out there in teeveeland needs. The stupid will be turned up to eleventy-leven.

  20. BloviateMe

    Kirsten, abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

    BTW, what's wrong with Kristen, you had to go Kirsten?? Sounds elitist. Hell you probably read all the time, too.

    1. jqheywood

      I was about to add to this thread:

      Someone calling you Kristen instead of Kirsten in 4 .. 3 … 2 …1 …

      As the husband of a Kirsten, I know their hidden (okay, not so hidden) pain.

      1. emmelemm

        It only really gets confusing when one is good friends with both some Kirstens and some Kristens… it's just so easy to slip, even when you're trying so hard…

    2. Rotundo_

      It's got to be one of those midwestern scandahoovian ethnic names that the great grandparents pronounced keeeeerrrstinnnn, between eating pickled herring and lutefisk and lefse. Probably no stranger to ice fishing and snowmobiling and ludicrous intake of brandy while doing so. Yah hey! it's who we are out in flyover land.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I was never a big Mr. T fan, but I'm guessing I'm the only Wonketeer who has ever shared a limo with the big guy. (Back in my TV PR days.)

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          We all have our moments of triumph. I suppose I shouldn't post that picture of me shaking Jimmy Carter's hand, should I? (He was a lot shorter than I imagined.)

          1. ProgressiveInga

            He and the Mrs are both tiny. And age hasn't helped. I saw Mrs Carter last month and she looks like a little person (aka midget). Sweet, tho.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      All of the gaggle of folks with whom I had "real-world' friendships for a brief moment in my life (ages 15-20), who are are much more "with it" than I, had mullets, growing up. I never sported a mullet. But my Depression Pop playing frienemies — mulleted. Mulleted, mulleted, mulleted.

  21. Lucidamente1

    Welcome! And what better time, Ms. Johnson, to start work than on the day the Republicans hold their first presidential debate? We look forward to your liveblogging of same: if your head doesn't explode, you'll be good to go.

  22. EatsBabyDingos

    i miss Zihuat. Donde esta' mi cervesas? Es la hora para un fiesta negra.\

    Welcome to our Black Parade! I am the obligatory resident gay Syrian woman, recently dropped here by Space Jeebus, and when I go to jazz festivals I talk about the Muzlins incessantly and loudly. And I JUST farted and tweeted about farting while tweeting. Since I am a hideous gasbag, I usually am forced to sit in my own pew in church.

  23. LesBontemps

    I suppose this means they still haven't built the danged fence. Don't worry, we'll keep an eye out for la migra.

  24. mumbly_joe

    Hello and welcome! Here's hoping your time with us is happy and productive. Well, not productive- what's the word I'm looking for… oh, right, profane.

    Incidentally, you know who else did a few years' stint as an expatriate in Latin America?

  25. PabaBritannica

    I wish I could quit work and just blog on bullshit from San Luis Potosi. Bienvenida, Amiga!

  26. Nothingisamiss

    Welcome! I'd like to compliment you on getting out alive. Did you come over the border secretly, with lots of muslim undercover Messicans? (I hear that this is happening.) It all sounds very exciting.

    When we used to go to Mexico on spring break we were just visiting our neighbor to the south, but now that I'm in the REAL south I know that Mecksiko is a dangerous place full of people who want to be gardners and drug dealers. Wow!

  27. widestanceroman

    Welcome to the Hotel Wonkette. You can log in whenever you like, but you can never leave.

    One question: Will commenters get ban-hammered if they mistake or even just misspell Kirsten as Kristen? I'm just asking for a friend.

  28. Nothingisamiss

    And it's great that you end up snarking on tacos al pastor to those of us that can't find decent al pastor anywhere. I am so not bitter just thinking about it.

  29. SheriffRoscoe

    Welcome Keer-sten (or Kuhr-sten?). Your opening piece pushed all my buttons in a good way! Best not get too comfortable here though, because Ken is about to ***shut the place down.

    ***Not true in the sense of being factual, but throwing it out there in my attempt to stay relevant, through recycled gossip.

  30. mumbly_joe

    Yes. For a while after Jack teased it, I was suspecting that Ken's "I'm quitting, again" announcement was actually just going to be that he was renaming the site, "WonkSausagefest".

  31. proudgrampa

    In honor of our new Wonketteer I, for one, shall prepare a pitcher of Patron margaritas today.

    Bienvenido a Wonkette, Sra. Kirsten! (Sorry, I don't know how to make the upside down exclamation point that belongs at the beginning of that greeting.)

  32. fuflans

    welcome.

    we hope you will stick around for a bit. we have been abandoned so often we are at risk of becoming one of michele bachmann's foster children.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      I think I'd rather be one of Alan Sader's understudies (aka, those kids on teevee with Christian Children's Fund)

  33. SystemError

    You know, if you're looking for some snark from someone who lives in the Beltway (actually 1000ft outside of it) I'll blog for hobo beans.

  34. imissopus

    I call bullshit. No True American Patriot moves to Mexico unless she is a Christian missionary or a wanted criminal. Which is it, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, if that is your real name?

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Oh but you're forgetting the cheap plastic surgery, and free and easy access to older classes of antibiotics.

        1. riverside68

          TJ hookers also

          (Don't tell me there aren't hookers in TJ anymore, I don't want to hear about it.)

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm pretty sure that by "move" she meant "sold into white slavery," and by "being a journalist" she meant "worked in a Donkey Show in Tijuana." The last one is just not as embarrassing as telling people you are a journalist.

    3. C_R_Eature

      Isaac Asimov!

      Well, actually… he was born in Soviet Russia, much to his surprise and he quickly moved to correct the situation.

  35. riverside68

    Kirsten Boyd Johnson doesn't sound Messican. Are you a Sleeper Agent?

    Which reminds me of an old Smiley line when he was looking for a job: "Give these people a try, they might have you, and they pay poorly enough to guarantee you good company."

    Welcome aboard, I assume you brought your own life jacket?

  36. exmartinette

    All the "Kirstens" I've ever met were either from Minnesota, Iwegia, or Upper or Lower Dakota. Many serve their communities as county dairy princesses.

  37. Beowoof

    Welcome Kirsten, I will raise a celebratory Pabst Blue Ribbon to celebrate your misguided decision to join the Wonkette and live in Hipsterville, Brooklyn.
    Did you help Ken find a gardner for his desert abode, is that in you need to get this job?

  38. DashboardBuddha

    Howdy there, Kirsten. Don't take anything from these assholes seriously. I'm the only asshole you should take seriously.

  39. DahBoner

    "there is nothing to eat at 3 a.m. besides tacos al pastor anywhere in Mexico"

    True.

    That's because you're in Mexico.

  40. orygoon

    My son had the swine flu awhile back and he does not have a job. Now it all makes sense.

  41. Redhead

    So you were born a real Amurikin but then became a brown illegal alien immigrant arugula-eating, Volvo-driving, edumacated intelligent uppity elitist LIBRURL????

    Welcome!

  42. easybaked

    Welcome. A haiku in your honor:

    Kirsten publishes
    Desert overlord satisfied
    Buttsechs and Trucknutz

    1. natoslug

      NONONONONO!
      First you rub out five
      Then you follow with seven
      And finish with five

      I refuse to accept free-form haiku, dammit!

      Kirsten publishes
      Desert overlord sated
      Buttsechs and Trucknuts

      1. easybaked

        Doh! Thanks for your correction. I kinda had my hands full and couldn't use all of my fingers to count.

        1. natoslug

          Yeah, my hands have been kind of full as well, knowing that we actually have a Wonkette rather than Wanker overlord again. I'm currently imagining a midwest/messican/NY Sara Benincasa with a slightly fouler mouth.

  43. hagajim

    Welcome Ms. Johnson….if that is really your name. How do we know you aren't another illegal trying to steal us hardworking Mericans jobs from us? Or maybe you're one of them Messican drug mules coming in to try and turn our loveable childrens to the satanic dope and pot? And I sincerely hope Anthony Weiner didn't twat you his weiner! Welcome anyway….

  44. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    See, Ken didn't abandon us. He made sure the new editor had connections to cheap pot and cocaine. He has provided for us, even as we await his second coming!

  45. Native_of_SL_UT

    My first reaction was that our new Wonkette Pal was just plain unamerican, then I remembered that that Mexico was in the Americas as well and that that Mexicans were American and now I have a headache because I"m confused about illegals and stuff
    Thanks, new Wonkette.

  46. guangho

    At Wonkette we have perfected our elitism to the point where the only illegal Mexican immigrants we'd hire are white girls from St. Paul. Welcome!

  47. DashboardBuddha

    Well, Cain might make the debate worth watching. Ok, ok…Obama was born in the US, but he was raised in Kenya.

    http://tinyurl.com/5u55bnf

    "Obama is more of an international". Christ, they're down to bragging about their stupidity and insularity. This will be a big seller with the Teabag set.

    1. HistoriCat

      When Goldberg told Cain that Obama hadn't grown up in Kenya, but Indonesia, Cain responded, "Yeah, Indonesia."

      Boom! Make the correction and keep on! Herman Cain may be the best hope the Republicans have.

  48. emmelemm

    Greeting, new Wonkette overlord lady!

    I have nothing witty to say except, hooray! a Junior is unmasked, and also: please don't take all our pee points if we type Kristen instead of Kirsten. We don't mean it!! We swear!!

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      As the attorney for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, I must ask that you hereby cease and desist the use of my client's copy-written material.

  49. ProgressiveInga

    Welcome Kirsten. Speaking only for myself, this site could use more lesbos. Soooooo, what kind of Subaru do you drive? Just checkin'.

  50. jus_wonderin

    I love Margarita's. I get a damn brain freeze every time I drink one. Those things hurt like hell.

  51. finallyhappy

    Hello, young person. Do all writers now live in Brooklyn? Do you know Nathan Englander or Myke Cole? They are also writers living in Brooklyn. I have been to Brooklyn once- to go to that British place that fries snicker bars.

  52. notreelyhelping

    Congrats! An American who found a job! (Please note: after this, there probably won't be another.)

  53. edywin2

    Kirsten, sounds like a Wisconsin Commie name to me. And why is it hailing in your small Midwestern town? Is it time for the rapture? Mr. Layne didn't the Bible say the AnitiChrist would come from Mexico and write for Wonkette? Damn, I feel like Arnold in "End of Days", Where is the maid when I need one….NOOOOOOOOO!
    Nice to meet you :)

  54. thefrontpage

    Kirsten:

    How old are you, what's your bra size, are you hot, and what's your favorite color?

    I like long walks on the beach, heavy metal polka music, naked croquette, woodworking, para-sailing, bungee jumping, making chocolate fondues, nuclear physics, collecting guns, and scented candles.

  55. thefrontpage

    Curstenn:

    You can contact most of your predecessors who wrote for Wonkette via this address:

    Bellevue Hospital Center
    First Avenue at 27th Street
    New York, NY 10016

  56. Warpde

    Mehico you say?
    Whole new meaning to duck and cover.
    Well, good on yah and glad to meet yah.
    Just remember, it's the shot you don't hear.

    Sorry, Mexico and I have not had very many good mem's.

    Damn Taquilia ..cant''t even spell it.

  57. C_R_Eature

    Welcome to the Weird Side, Kristen! Buckle up.

    Oh, and it's really not required to accessorize your computer with TruckNutz. That is entirely optional – especially at work.

  58. Negropolis

    Welcome, you Messican anchorbaby. Now, we welcome you the only way Real Americans know how, with suspicion and derision that you left America and actually enjoyed your time away.

    Kirsten, let me see your papers, por favor.

  59. BlueinVA

    I was away for the weekend and didn't see you sneak in, Kirsten. So glad to see our baby girl Wonkette Jr. now has a name. Welcome! You've come at the perfect time. May the snark overlords bless you and keep you.

  60. BlueinVA

    But I don't know…I don't think the whole non-ironic tee shirt thing is gonna work for you in Brooklyn.

  61. user-of-owls

    I'm gonna take as some sorta whack karma the fact that in less than seven hours, I will be on my way to el DF.

    Which reminds me, I'd best pass out right about now. Packing is for pussies.

  62. sezme

    Oh hey, Kirsten! Sorry I forgot to suck up to our new Wonkette overlady until today. Es todo un placer. Also, you are good, so (whew) relief.

  63. DustBowlBlues

    Excuse me for briefly being forced to have a life and taking all this time to welcome you, Kirsten. So far, so good, but not that I actually have time to read any of this shit because, as I said, for a while I am forced to have a life. I did stop on all your entries to check for alt-text and all I can say is, Excellent.

    Back to my life now, and good luck.

  64. DustBowlBlues

    Hey! I just thought of one more important thing you need to know about me, other than that I'm an Old. I live in OK, where I was raised, and I have never worn any clothing that suggests anything vaguely patriotic.

Comments are closed.