MEET YOUR NEW WONKETTE PAL!  11:54 am June 13, 2011

Meet Your Newest Wonkette, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, From Mexico!

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

aqui esta tu alt textFAITHFUL READERS: Here is a quick note from your newest patriot/Wonkette contributor. Hello, you! I just spent the last four years as an expatriate journalist in Mexico, this popular beach colony whose most famous exports are the swine flu and Republican talking points about space aliens. No one told me to go to Mexico, but I did, and I would recommend it if you can deal with horrible problems like the terrible Internet speed and the fact that there is nothing to eat at 3 a.m. besides tacos al pastor anywhere in Mexico, at all, ever. Probably you shouldn’t be out in the street at 3 a.m. there, though. At least I didn’t get swine flu, which is good, because apparently you can’t write for Wonkette unless you’ve got a recent “don’t have swine flu” card.

Like Michele Bachmann, I recently got a revelation from Jesus, and he told me to return to the United States and move to Brooklyn and write for Wonkette. I told this to Ken Layne and he said, sure, that sounds good, here’s your login, goodbye forever. That sounds like sort of a cliche, Jesus!, but whatever. Jesus tells us to do weird things, right?

I originally hail from a small Midwestern town, which is irrelevant except to say that I was not born a terrible East Coast elitist jerkwad, and at one point or another in my childhood I probably wore a few American Flag t-shirts without any sense of irony, before fleeing the country to become one of the Messicans. Now I will write Weiner/wiener puns, all day, for you, because this is all that remains of the American Dream.

 
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{ 244 comments }

memzilla June 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

Welcome to the madhouse, Kirsten. We like our alt-text picante.

OneDollarJuana June 13, 2011 at 12:47 pm

y chistoso

¡Bienvenidos!

Negropolis June 14, 2011 at 12:05 am

Also, with onions and cilantro. Tambien.

Boredw/Gravitas June 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

Ken, have you seen her green card/birth certificate?

Bienvenidos, compadre. Welcome to Wonkette!

Doktor Zoom June 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

Welcome to the Monkey House!

ttommyunger June 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

"Tacos rule!" – George W. "Fuckwad" Bush.

nounverb911 June 13, 2011 at 11:58 am

"he told me to return to the United States and move to Brooklyn and write for Wonkette"
Can you give us your daily weiner report from Nathan's on Coney Island?

BTW. Welcome to the family.

SexySmurf June 13, 2011 at 11:59 am

Greetings and salutations. Just don't make fun of retards and you'll do fine.

mumbly_joe June 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Or, to put a finer point on it, their children.

nonbeliever7 June 13, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Perfect. Subtle, yet painful.

Negropolis June 14, 2011 at 12:07 am

Ooo, you're good. You're real good.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 2:07 pm

We can't make fun of Conservatives?

BornInATrailer June 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Waited a second… retards is allowed but re****ed isn't?

mumbly_joe June 13, 2011 at 2:28 pm

That's definitely resomethinged.

LiveToServeYa June 13, 2011 at 11:59 am

Well, you've got guts. Add TruckNutz and ass-fucking and Wonkette should be a cakewalk. Don't go all crazy on us, please, or at least don't go crazy in serious ways.

Chillwaver June 13, 2011 at 11:59 am

Welcome Kirsten / Bienvenida Kristen! And Johnson…no more Wiener posts, please! (Chihuahua posts Okay).

OneDollarJuana June 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm

But sometimes a wiener is a post.

AJWjr. June 13, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Heh–you said Johnson…

Pragmatist2 June 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Anchor baby?

Lascauxcaveman June 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Really, a dozen comments down, and I'm the first one to think of saying "Show us your tits"?

(Oh, wait. When we did that with that Formerly Anonymous Lobbyist lady, she actually sorta did. Nevermind.)

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

No. The rest of us just didn't post that.

Lascauxcaveman June 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Yes! You are all well known for your impeccable tact and discretion!

baconzgood June 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I was in a meeting.

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I think our Juniors were deleting "show us your tits" posts. But if you're desperate, I'll show you mine. Mini-moobs count, right? Yeah, I need to step away from the computer a little more often.

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 1:16 pm

send 'em over before you do, pls.

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm

( . )( . )

elviouslyqueer June 13, 2011 at 1:32 pm

FAP.

(sorry, that's all you get this morning.)

nounverb911 June 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Were you legally or illegally in Mexico?

DahBoner June 13, 2011 at 1:33 pm

"Were you legally or illegally in Mexico? "

Everythings illegal in Mexico (except personal possession of drugs).

But no one cares…

Doktor Zoom June 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Also, please allow me to be the first second to gripe about the lack of amusing alt-text on your photo.

It's the internet–this is what we do, you know.

God, the new format sucks. I hate change. Also, you're probably not liberal enough. The quality of Our Wonkette is already declining from the halcyon days of ten minutes ago.

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Christ al Jesus. I know you always get an owner's manual, but nobody ever reads the goddamned thing.

Kirsten, ignore Oldy McGrumpypants here. Just like every Christian in America, you're free to ignore the Bible at will, as long as you hate everyone else the same way.

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Too soon! I was just four blocks from ten minutes ago, also.

Doktor Zoom June 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm

T

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Seems everything's funny to you, Wonkett!

HistoriCat June 13, 2011 at 12:37 pm

This entire blog can be shipped off the Afghanistan no one has lost any

Barb June 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I'm confused! Where is Extemporaneous?

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Your theory lies in shards on the floor. It happens to everyone eventually.

Welcome tri-nomial Kirsten Boyd Johnson, and we'll try to get the T's in the right names!

Barb June 13, 2011 at 12:13 pm

At least I had a theory, Sport-o.

bagofmice June 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Timothy Leary?
Well check out this theory.
He sold acid for the FBI.

V572 [SSAN] June 13, 2011 at 3:48 pm

As Karl Popper said, there are two kinds of theories: those that have been proven wrong, and those that have not yet been proven wrong.

This doesn't mean a goddamn thing, but passes for deep thought in some circles.

By the way, you are my heroine.

bflrtsplk June 13, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Not just tri-nomial, but tri-surnomial.

dr_giraud June 13, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Are you related to Lady Boyd Johnson?

Lascauxcaveman June 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Where is Extemporaneous?

He's been sulking over in the corner with his kiddie porn ever since Ken told him he wasn't selected to be the permanent Wonkette Jr.

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Figured there would be room for more than one W. J…

gullywompr June 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Yes, don't forget that Ken said in his parting interview: "Wonkette Jr. is legion."

weejee June 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Oh noes, Wonkette Jr. haz the legionnaire's disease?

Steverino247 June 13, 2011 at 1:27 pm

So, Wonkette is possessed by demons?

weejee June 13, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I wuz with you with the Extermperanus, butt we had none DNA to prove s/he has a Y chromosome.

Welcome KBJ, to the hysterical snark society known as the Wonkette.

nonbeliever7 June 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

K, BJ!

emmelemm June 13, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Genius!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I'm Extemporaneous!

MittsHairHelmet June 13, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Hiring a Mexican to work for little to no pay? Wonkette is officially part of Real America.

DahBoner June 13, 2011 at 1:30 pm

"Wonkette is officially part of Real America."

Ridiculous!

For that, Ken would have to send the Mexican to buy loads of Oxycontin and off-label Viagra.

My friends, that is a Real American!

Sparky_McGruff June 13, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I guess driving by the Home Depot looking for writers is better than cruising through the restrooms at the Minneapolis airport, looking for young boys…

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 2:32 pm

That would be a great bit for some underground theatre company in Bay Ridge. Have a bunch of dishevelled hipsters, palms out, milling by the Menard's (do they have Menard's, in NYC?), waiting for one of Judd Apatow's people to pick them up.

Serolf_Divad June 13, 2011 at 12:02 pm

A Johnson writing Weiner jokes? My you are brave, Kirsten!

jjdaddyo June 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Don't forget to add the Boehner/ Boner….

HempDogbane June 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Johnson Weiner Redundancy !

Serolf_Divad June 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm

If I were president I'd pass a law where only people whose last names mean "penis" could write jokes about people whose last names mean "penis."

HempDogbane June 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Also a law dictating that a cigar is only a cigar.

BZ1 June 13, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I'm not sure that Kirsten can actually be a "jerkwad" since…

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Depends upon how far past mid the operation is.

nounverb911 June 13, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Needs more Junior's cheesecake.

LesBontemps June 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm

What doesn't?

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 12:04 pm

With all the bad news coming out of Mexico in the last four years, this is about to become a vacation for you, isn't it?

p.s. Welcome aboard!

JustPixelz June 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Yes. Welcome aboard … America. Pay no attention to the ice strewn on the deck. Your job here at wonkette is to make sure the deck chairs are arranged properly. Also, be sure there are enough lifeboats for our — ahem — First Class citizens.

Beetagger June 13, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Were you a Zeta or a Sinaloa member?

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Beltran Leyva, o salga de puto.

CHUDster_Arthur June 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Welcome to our newest shepherd for this legion of the damned.

tymberwolf817 June 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

On behalf of (for now) East Coast elitist jerkwads everywhere, welcome not just to the East Coast but to the hipster Mecca of Brooklyn! One of us . . . one of us . . .

Doktor Zoom June 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Gabba gabba hey…

jjdaddyo June 13, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Living in Brooklyn is OK, unless you wear those thick frame glasses…. then, then you must die.
If they are clear glass (no prescription) thick frame glasses, then John Yoo says waterboarding is necessary.

elviouslyqueer June 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Great. Now I'm craving carnitas.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Like Michele Bachmann, I recently got a revelation from Jesus, and he told me to return to the United States and move to Brooklyn and write for Wonkette.

So there is hope! I'm still waiting for my calling.

P.S. Welcome!
~

Guppy06 June 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I thought Jesus was calling me yesterday afternoon, but it turned out just to be a debt collector.

metamarcisf June 13, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Where's the birth certificate?

Nothingisamiss June 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

You're under three digits in the negative column? Get back out there, man!

Lascauxcaveman June 13, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I think those chickenshits at Breitbart have banned him from their sites. Sadly, Meta is eventually going to lose his remarkably negative pee altogether, unless he starts trolling here, something fierce.

HistoriCat June 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Finish the danged fence!

DahBoner June 13, 2011 at 1:26 pm

PizzaGuy likes Obama's aligators in the moat idea…

DahBoner June 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm

"Where's the birth certificate?"

You buy them in T.J., ride in the trunk of a 1978 Mercury Marqui, chill in a safe house in Phoenix and then work in the lawn care trade to pay back your passage.

Then you are free to write for Wonkette!

WHAT A GREAT CUNTRY THIS IS!!!

Buzz Feedback June 13, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Taco-riffic.

Billmatic June 13, 2011 at 12:09 pm

My god, what is wrong with tacos al pastor????

freakishlywrong June 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Welcome aboard the truknutz express! We like out pics of Romney packin' the fudge and our pics of frothy Santorums excepting defeat with hostage children crying. Carry on.

Mumbletypeg June 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

And don't forget the multiple-McCain disembodied heads' .gif — Ear-lickin' good!

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

And Blingees. Haven't seen a good Blingee since Jack left; we need more!

riverside68 June 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Sweater puppies on horse is a personal favorite, but I'm old skool

Barb June 13, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Kirsten, I enjoy your writing, thanks! You should end each story with "careful, the plate is hot" I'm just sayin'….

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Welcome to KBJ (hm, just one space on the alphabet off…). Good thing you moved to Brooklyn, since it appears to be Wonkette law that all contributors who are not Ken Layne have to be based in either New York or Washington.

Goonemeritus June 13, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Good luck with the new gig hope it will be fun and make you as wealthy as King Farouk. However your illegal status troubles me, we Eastern jerk wads are generally suspicious of immigrants from the Mid West.

Maman June 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

You moved from Minnesota (guessing) to Mexico to Brooklyn? That isn't the elitist route… its the hipster way. Welcome.

soojank June 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm
KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I think it's like Mad Magazine. Proud as fuck you did your time while there.

LouBristol June 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Welcome, Kirsten!

Mumbletypeg June 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

like the terrible Internet speed

I'm trying to remember… in "A Moveable Feast," did Hemingway et al. even have fax machines yet?

… there is nothing to eat at 3 a.m. besides tacos al pastor anywhere in Mexico

I salute you with the deep-fried Mexi-melt I just started craving, even though such doesn't exist yet (not where I am, anyway). Welcome Wonkette newster.. thanks for the up close and personal background herstory.

gurukalehuru June 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

A Moveable Feast is even pre-television, if you can imagine such an empty existence.

Crank_Tango June 14, 2011 at 12:18 am

i remember the wind whipping down the place de la contrescarpe as we would head down the rue cardinal lemoine, toward the river, where we would get crepes al pastor from a little arab guy in the latin quarter…

something like that.

neiltheblaze June 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Welcome to our new Wonkette uber-mistress! (Sounds like it should come with a Dominatrix outfit – but I think Sara Benincasa stole it.)

genxr June 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Greetings, fellow aficionado of tart sophistry!

That's a way of saying: Hi, snarkster.

SpurningBeer June 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

My favorites are sophist pecan tarts with whipped cream. Served by a sophistic tart.

JustPixelz June 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Nice try, but I think the new wonkette only speaks spanglish. Try saying it louder while waving your hands around.

HI!!! … SNARKSTER!!!!!

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I'd talk shit on the 'net all day if I could get paid for it.

wait…

according to my post-whoring log on Intensedebate, I do. Minus the pay part.

HistoriCat June 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Today we are all shit talkers on the net minus pay.

Shit – that's pretty much every day isn't it?

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 3:03 pm

I just updated my resume, with a new bullet point:

Excellent volunteer communication skills

Billmatic June 13, 2011 at 12:19 pm

This is true, also serious case of the mud butt afterwards but it's so worth it.

Best tacos al pastor in the country of 'Merica: the taco truck in front of Hardbodies, N. St. Mary's St., San Antonio, TX.

SystemError June 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Is Hardbodies still open? I still remember Big Time Wacky's.

Gopherit June 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Can we just call you Flyover? Your name is too long.

elviouslyqueer June 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Also, Kirsten, I'm sure Ken waterboarded you in to liveblogging the living shit out of tonight's GOP circular firing squad. Think of it as a sort of sorority hazing, only with less spanking and more tears and acrimony.

Maman June 13, 2011 at 12:47 pm

You forgot more liquor.

elviouslyqueer June 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Nah, because liquor is an assumed variable. What we need is a drinking game to make the liveblogging worthwhile. Like, say, taking a shot every time Reagan is mentioned, so that Kirsten can be totally shitfaced by 5 minutes in.

Maman June 13, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Reagan or god.

Rotundo_ June 13, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Watching the nutters circle Mitt like great whites around a freshly stuck pig and then going in for the attack will be all the spanking anyone out there in teeveeland needs. The stupid will be turned up to eleventy-leven.

BloviateMe June 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Kirsten, abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

BTW, what's wrong with Kristen, you had to go Kirsten?? Sounds elitist. Hell you probably read all the time, too.

jqheywood June 13, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I was about to add to this thread:

Someone calling you Kristen instead of Kirsten in 4 .. 3 … 2 …1 …

As the husband of a Kirsten, I know their hidden (okay, not so hidden) pain.

emmelemm June 13, 2011 at 2:23 pm

It only really gets confusing when one is good friends with both some Kirstens and some Kristens… it's just so easy to slip, even when you're trying so hard…

gurukalehuru June 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Our Kirsten is the smart one, she's no Dunst.

Rotundo_ June 13, 2011 at 5:24 pm

It's got to be one of those midwestern scandahoovian ethnic names that the great grandparents pronounced keeeeerrrstinnnn, between eating pickled herring and lutefisk and lefse. Probably no stranger to ice fishing and snowmobiling and ludicrous intake of brandy while doing so. Yah hey! it's who we are out in flyover land.

Trollina Dumbass June 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Fresh meat… Srsly, I would say 'welcome to hell,' but as you mention, you've lived in Mezzico.

So, just hi!

themcwow June 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Son of Sam?

Doktor Zoom June 13, 2011 at 12:25 pm

A Tree, what grows there?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 7:17 pm

But rose trees never grow in New York City….

MarieDeGournay June 13, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Welcome! And I wore Mr. T t-shirts without irony. It's a kid thing.

DaRooster June 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

"I pity the FOO!"

Lascauxcaveman June 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I was never a big Mr. T fan, but I'm guessing I'm the only Wonketeer who has ever shared a limo with the big guy. (Back in my TV PR days.)

Geminisunmars June 13, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Brag, brag, brag.

Lascauxcaveman June 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm

We all have our moments of triumph. I suppose I shouldn't post that picture of me shaking Jimmy Carter's hand, should I? (He was a lot shorter than I imagined.)

ProgressiveInga June 13, 2011 at 2:18 pm

He and the Mrs are both tiny. And age hasn't helped. I saw Mrs Carter last month and she looks like a little person (aka midget). Sweet, tho.

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

All of the gaggle of folks with whom I had "real-world' friendships for a brief moment in my life (ages 15-20), who are are much more "with it" than I, had mullets, growing up. I never sported a mullet. But my Depression Pop playing frienemies — mulleted. Mulleted, mulleted, mulleted.

gullywompr June 13, 2011 at 12:29 pm

"Faithful" readers? Is that what we are? Welcome, newb.

Lucidamente1 June 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Welcome! And what better time, Ms. Johnson, to start work than on the day the Republicans hold their first presidential debate? We look forward to your liveblogging of same: if your head doesn't explode, you'll be good to go.

EatsBabyDingos June 13, 2011 at 12:31 pm

i miss Zihuat. Donde esta' mi cervesas? Es la hora para un fiesta negra.\

Welcome to our Black Parade! I am the obligatory resident gay Syrian woman, recently dropped here by Space Jeebus, and when I go to jazz festivals I talk about the Muzlins incessantly and loudly. And I JUST farted and tweeted about farting while tweeting. Since I am a hideous gasbag, I usually am forced to sit in my own pew in church.

LesBontemps June 13, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I suppose this means they still haven't built the danged fence. Don't worry, we'll keep an eye out for la migra.

mumbly_joe June 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Hello and welcome! Here's hoping your time with us is happy and productive. Well, not productive- what's the word I'm looking for… oh, right, profane.

Incidentally, you know who else did a few years' stint as an expatriate in Latin America?

not that Dewey June 13, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Ingrid Betancourt?

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Che Guevara?

elviouslyqueer June 13, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Walnuts?

gullywompr June 13, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Mengele?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Hitler's clones?

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Hemingway?

PabaBritannica June 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I wish I could quit work and just blog on bullshit from San Luis Potosi. Bienvenida, Amiga!

Nothingisamiss June 13, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Welcome! I'd like to compliment you on getting out alive. Did you come over the border secretly, with lots of muslim undercover Messicans? (I hear that this is happening.) It all sounds very exciting.

When we used to go to Mexico on spring break we were just visiting our neighbor to the south, but now that I'm in the REAL south I know that Mecksiko is a dangerous place full of people who want to be gardners and drug dealers. Wow!

DemmeFatale June 13, 2011 at 12:35 pm

But are you a Mets fan (boo!) or a Yankees fan (yay!)?

LesBontemps June 13, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Or a Cyclones fan? (C'mon she's in Brooklyn.).

horsedreamer_1 June 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

In that case, she only plays &/or attends games of Quidditch.

nounverb911 June 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Just as long as you aren't a red sox fan.

Terry June 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Yay, you get your very own name! Welcome Kirsten!

widestanceroman June 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Welcome to the Hotel Wonkette. You can log in whenever you like, but you can never leave.

One question: Will commenters get ban-hammered if they mistake or even just misspell Kirsten as Kristen? I'm just asking for a friend.

nonbeliever7 June 13, 2011 at 3:25 pm

You have friends? What's it like?

Terry June 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I'm singing Helen Reddy as I type this!

Lascauxcaveman June 13, 2011 at 1:20 pm

♫ ♬It's so nice to be insane
No one asks you to explain
♫ ♬

nonbeliever7 June 13, 2011 at 3:18 pm

You and me against the world?

Nothingisamiss June 13, 2011 at 12:37 pm

And it's great that you end up snarking on tacos al pastor to those of us that can't find decent al pastor anywhere. I am so not bitter just thinking about it.

SheriffRoscoe June 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Welcome Keer-sten (or Kuhr-sten?). Your opening piece pushed all my buttons in a good way! Best not get too comfortable here though, because Ken is about to ***shut the place down.

***Not true in the sense of being factual, but throwing it out there in my attempt to stay relevant, through recycled gossip.

Beowoof June 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Fucking NAFTA

WABishop June 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Norman Podhoretz?

mumbly_joe June 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Yes. For a while after Jack teased it, I was suspecting that Ken's "I'm quitting, again" announcement was actually just going to be that he was renaming the site, "WonkSausagefest".

weejee June 13, 2011 at 12:57 pm

And then with all this Weiner stuff 24/7 coulda gone to Dickette, ah Dickster, um Dickshun, uh Testosterwonk

Sharkey June 13, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Jesus is just stone cold handing out revelations left and right these days.

proudgrampa June 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm

In honor of our new Wonketteer I, for one, shall prepare a pitcher of Patron margaritas today.

Bienvenido a Wonkette, Sra. Kirsten! (Sorry, I don't know how to make the upside down exclamation point that belongs at the beginning of that greeting.)

jjdaddyo June 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Don't forget the Boehner/ Boner puns! That's where Pulitzers come from.

WABishop June 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Welcome!

(Won't last a year….)

fuflans June 13, 2011 at 12:45 pm

welcome.

we hope you will stick around for a bit. we have been abandoned so often we are at risk of becoming one of michele bachmann's foster children.

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I think I'd rather be one of Alan Sader's understudies (aka, those kids on teevee with Christian Children's Fund)

SystemError June 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

You know, if you're looking for some snark from someone who lives in the Beltway (actually 1000ft outside of it) I'll blog for hobo beans.

imissopus June 13, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I call bullshit. No True American Patriot moves to Mexico unless she is a Christian missionary or a wanted criminal. Which is it, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, if that is your real name?

SheriffRoscoe June 13, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Oh but you're forgetting the cheap plastic surgery, and free and easy access to older classes of antibiotics.

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Also border state college students, for the drinking age of 18.

weejee June 13, 2011 at 1:16 pm

And the myriad of border boyztownz that keep up the troops' morals morales.

riverside68 June 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm

TJ hookers also

(Don't tell me there aren't hookers in TJ anymore, I don't want to hear about it.)

KeepFnThatChicken June 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

It ain't her real name. I looked her up on Facebook; she doesn't exist.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I'm pretty sure that by "move" she meant "sold into white slavery," and by "being a journalist" she meant "worked in a Donkey Show in Tijuana." The last one is just not as embarrassing as telling people you are a journalist.

C_R_Eature June 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Isaac Asimov!

Well, actually… he was born in Soviet Russia, much to his surprise and he quickly moved to correct the situation.

riverside68 June 13, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Kirsten Boyd Johnson doesn't sound Messican. Are you a Sleeper Agent?

Which reminds me of an old Smiley line when he was looking for a job: "Give these people a try, they might have you, and they pay poorly enough to guarantee you good company."

Welcome aboard, I assume you brought your own life jacket?

weejee June 13, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Carl Erskine?

exmartinette June 13, 2011 at 12:48 pm

All the "Kirstens" I've ever met were either from Minnesota, Iwegia, or Upper or Lower Dakota. Many serve their communities as county dairy princesses.

Beowoof June 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Welcome Kirsten, I will raise a celebratory Pabst Blue Ribbon to celebrate your misguided decision to join the Wonkette and live in Hipsterville, Brooklyn.
Did you help Ken find a gardner for his desert abode, is that in you need to get this job?

Steverino247 June 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Heineken?! Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

baconzgood June 13, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Black Moon?

DaSandman June 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Ms Johnson, do you or do you not support helicopter hunting of Tea Bags?

mrblifil June 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

First thing's first. It's "messican."

ThundercatHo June 13, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Welcome, bienvenue, welcome. Come on in.

AJWjr. June 13, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I'm tiwed!

el_donaldo June 13, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Finally! Someone individuates from the Wonkette Jr. borg identity. Anyways, welcome.

qwerty42 June 13, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Well, I saw the pic and thought we were getting a new Wonkabout to replace Arielle.

ChurchofRealism June 13, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I would like to engage in some witty banter and repartee with you, but from your pic, I can see you are far to busy, being delicious.

DashboardBuddha June 13, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Howdy there, Kirsten. Don't take anything from these assholes seriously. I'm the only asshole you should take seriously.

Sassomatic June 13, 2011 at 1:17 pm

What is your stance on making jokes about Meghan McCain's boobs?

proudgrampa June 13, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Hmmmmm. Casabas.

DahBoner June 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

"there is nothing to eat at 3 a.m. besides tacos al pastor anywhere in Mexico"

True.

That's because you're in Mexico.

orygoon June 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm

My son had the swine flu awhile back and he does not have a job. Now it all makes sense.

Redhead June 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm

So you were born a real Amurikin but then became a brown illegal alien immigrant arugula-eating, Volvo-driving, edumacated intelligent uppity elitist LIBRURL????

Welcome!

Weenus299 June 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Thank you for restoring hope in America.

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Welcome. A haiku in your honor:

Kirsten publishes
Desert overlord satisfied
Buttsechs and Trucknutz

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

NONONONONO!
First you rub out five
Then you follow with seven
And finish with five

I refuse to accept free-form haiku, dammit!

Kirsten publishes
Desert overlord sated
Buttsechs and Trucknuts

easybaked June 13, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Doh! Thanks for your correction. I kinda had my hands full and couldn't use all of my fingers to count.

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Yeah, my hands have been kind of full as well, knowing that we actually have a Wonkette rather than Wanker overlord again. I'm currently imagining a midwest/messican/NY Sara Benincasa with a slightly fouler mouth.

GuyClinch June 13, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Ken Layne has now officially created more jobs than Mittens. Layne/weiner 2012!

Welcome to this place, Kirsten!

Geminisunmars June 13, 2011 at 1:35 pm

We need more great Americans like ole WW.

hagajim June 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Welcome Ms. Johnson….if that is really your name. How do we know you aren't another illegal trying to steal us hardworking Mericans jobs from us? Or maybe you're one of them Messican drug mules coming in to try and turn our loveable childrens to the satanic dope and pot? And I sincerely hope Anthony Weiner didn't twat you his weiner! Welcome anyway….

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 1:39 pm

See, Ken didn't abandon us. He made sure the new editor had connections to cheap pot and cocaine. He has provided for us, even as we await his second coming!

HistoriCat June 13, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I thought we were supposed to just call him "K" when writing it down.

gurukalehuru June 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Oh, go ahead. You can make fun of retards, too, if you want to.

smokefilledroommate June 13, 2011 at 1:47 pm

What big eyes you have.. Welcome!

Native_of_SL_UT June 13, 2011 at 1:58 pm

My first reaction was that our new Wonkette Pal was just plain unamerican, then I remembered that that Mexico was in the Americas as well and that that Mexicans were American and now I have a headache because I"m confused about illegals and stuff
Thanks, new Wonkette.

guangho June 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

At Wonkette we have perfected our elitism to the point where the only illegal Mexican immigrants we'd hire are white girls from St. Paul. Welcome!

El Pinche June 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm

¿Qué tal?
I'm el pinche, the latino skoalrebel.

DashboardBuddha June 13, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Well, Cain might make the debate worth watching. Ok, ok…Obama was born in the US, but he was raised in Kenya.

http://tinyurl.com/5u55bnf

"Obama is more of an international". Christ, they're down to bragging about their stupidity and insularity. This will be a big seller with the Teabag set.

HistoriCat June 13, 2011 at 2:20 pm

When Goldberg told Cain that Obama hadn't grown up in Kenya, but Indonesia, Cain responded, "Yeah, Indonesia."

Boom! Make the correction and keep on! Herman Cain may be the best hope the Republicans have.

blogslut June 13, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Welcome, Kirsten! I wish I could write something funny and clever but I can't so there's that, also.

RadioJr. June 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Trotskyite?

Bienvenido.

emmelemm June 13, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Greeting, new Wonkette overlord lady!

I have nothing witty to say except, hooray! a Junior is unmasked, and also: please don't take all our pee points if we type Kristen instead of Kirsten. We don't mean it!! We swear!!

Maman June 13, 2011 at 2:33 pm

pooping?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 7:20 pm

As the attorney for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, I must ask that you hereby cease and desist the use of my client's copy-written material.

ProgressiveInga June 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Welcome Kirsten. Speaking only for myself, this site could use more lesbos. Soooooo, what kind of Subaru do you drive? Just checkin'.

MissTaken June 13, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I'm so craving a taco now. Thanks and many welcomes, Kirsten!

jus_wonderin June 13, 2011 at 3:30 pm

I love Margarita's. I get a damn brain freeze every time I drink one. Those things hurt like hell.

finallyhappy June 13, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Hello, young person. Do all writers now live in Brooklyn? Do you know Nathan Englander or Myke Cole? They are also writers living in Brooklyn. I have been to Brooklyn once- to go to that British place that fries snicker bars.

notreelyhelping June 13, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Congrats! An American who found a job! (Please note: after this, there probably won't be another.)

edywin2 June 13, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Kirsten, sounds like a Wisconsin Commie name to me. And why is it hailing in your small Midwestern town? Is it time for the rapture? Mr. Layne didn't the Bible say the AnitiChrist would come from Mexico and write for Wonkette? Damn, I feel like Arnold in "End of Days", Where is the maid when I need one….NOOOOOOOOO!
Nice to meet you :)

rocktonsam June 13, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I was thinking she was from Minnesota

crybabyboehner June 13, 2011 at 4:05 pm

As long as there are no perro caliente puns.

BTWBFDIMHO June 13, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Have you tried food in Brooklyn at 3 a.m?

BTWBFDIMHO June 13, 2011 at 4:08 pm

You went from a small Midwestern town to Mexico. Are you Methican?

BarackMyWorld June 13, 2011 at 4:16 pm

BRING BACK MORNING IN AMERICA!

thefrontpage June 13, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Kirsten:

How old are you, what's your bra size, are you hot, and what's your favorite color?

I like long walks on the beach, heavy metal polka music, naked croquette, woodworking, para-sailing, bungee jumping, making chocolate fondues, nuclear physics, collecting guns, and scented candles.

thefrontpage June 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Curstenn:

You can contact most of your predecessors who wrote for Wonkette via this address:

Bellevue Hospital Center
First Avenue at 27th Street
New York, NY 10016

Craig June 13, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I'm not so sure about this chick. She may be one of those chupacabra Meskins.

Warpde June 13, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Mehico you say?
Whole new meaning to duck and cover.
Well, good on yah and glad to meet yah.
Just remember, it's the shot you don't hear.

Sorry, Mexico and I have not had very many good mem's.

Damn Taquilia ..cant''t even spell it.

C_R_Eature June 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Welcome to the Weird Side, Kristen! Buckle up.

Oh, and it's really not required to accessorize your computer with TruckNutz. That is entirely optional – especially at work.

Veritas78 June 13, 2011 at 8:54 pm

You know who else used three names, when two would have probably sufficed?

the_problem_child June 13, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Welcome to the family. Please don't ban me.

Negropolis June 14, 2011 at 12:01 am

Welcome, you Messican anchorbaby. Now, we welcome you the only way Real Americans know how, with suspicion and derision that you left America and actually enjoyed your time away.

Kirsten, let me see your papers, por favor.

BlueinVA June 14, 2011 at 12:47 am

I was away for the weekend and didn't see you sneak in, Kirsten. So glad to see our baby girl Wonkette Jr. now has a name. Welcome! You've come at the perfect time. May the snark overlords bless you and keep you.

BlueinVA June 14, 2011 at 12:48 am

But I don't know…I don't think the whole non-ironic tee shirt thing is gonna work for you in Brooklyn.

user-of-owls June 14, 2011 at 1:07 am

I'm gonna take as some sorta whack karma the fact that in less than seven hours, I will be on my way to el DF.

Which reminds me, I'd best pass out right about now. Packing is for pussies.

SarcasticNymph June 15, 2011 at 2:14 am

Is wonkette going to have posts in Spanish, now? To attract the Hispanic vote?

anteater June 15, 2011 at 9:33 am

Ok times up. The honeymoon is over for you, now entertain me dammit.

sezme June 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Oh hey, Kirsten! Sorry I forgot to suck up to our new Wonkette overlady until today. Es todo un placer. Also, you are good, so (whew) relief.

DustBowlBlues June 15, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Excuse me for briefly being forced to have a life and taking all this time to welcome you, Kirsten. So far, so good, but not that I actually have time to read any of this shit because, as I said, for a while I am forced to have a life. I did stop on all your entries to check for alt-text and all I can say is, Excellent.

Back to my life now, and good luck.

DustBowlBlues June 15, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Hey! I just thought of one more important thing you need to know about me, other than that I'm an Old. I live in OK, where I was raised, and I have never worn any clothing that suggests anything vaguely patriotic.

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Whaddya expect? — There's a leakin' in the washroom, there's a sneakin' personnel . . .

SorosBot June 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm

It can be shipped off for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALLEN.

natoslug June 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm

That's okay, I'm easy.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 13, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Which, I'm sure Santorum and Bachmann would tell you, explains all the butt sex.

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