can cause cancer

WaPo Seeks Army Of Insane Volunteers To Spend All Weekend Reading Palin Email Dump

I don't know any Dons, sorryBland suburban daily the Washington Post is asking for one hundred volunteers who want to stab forks into their eyes for a few days and help scour 24,000 Sarah Palin emails to prevent Chris Cilizza from developing a brain tumor reading them on his own. The complete set of official emails from Palin’s tenure as governor will be released tomorrow, guaranteeing a week-long news cycle dump of Palin’s gubernatorial misadventures riddled with elementary misspellings and syntax errors. We sure are looking forward to that! Now, who wants to sign up?

Over 24,000 e-mail messages to and from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin during her tenure as Alaska’s governor will be released Friday. That’s a lot of e-mail for us to review so we’re looking for some help from Fix readers to analyze, contextualize, and research those e-mails right alongside Post reporters over the days following the release.

We are limiting this to just 100 spots for people who will work collaboratively in small teams to surface the most important information from the e-mails. Participants can join from anywhere with a computer and an Internet connection.

WaPo is limiting this mouth-watering task to “just” one hundred people who would rather lose a half dozen IQ points parsing Sarah Palin’s illiterate bickering for “meaning” all weekend, for free, instead of doing absolutely anything else. This is your employment future, America. [Washington Post]

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  1. nounverb911

    If they are not insane when they start, they certainly will be when they finish.

    1. Giveusabob

      If this WaPo event seems less than appealing, I'm having a free icepick lobotomy BBQ at my place this weekend. Bring your own icepick (BYOI).

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's called "document review". Employed lawyers hire unemployed lawyers to do this sort of thing all the time. (This accounts for those zombified dead souls riding home on the subway at midnight.)

  2. metamarcisf

    I'm busy but I happen to know of a herd of rabid monkeys runnings loose in the Gila National Forest just ahead of that forest fire. If that'll help.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Read the fucking article, already! We've already got Palin's emails. Now we need someone to read them.

  3. nounverb911

    Sorry, can't make it, the sun is contemplating a surprise visit to Seattle this weekend, and I'm planning on being outside.

    1. jus_wonderin

      I can send you some of this Texas sun. We could use a break. (God, are you listening?)

    2. UW8316154

      Quit teasing, NounVerb.

      I took today OFF because it was supposed to be sunny around here, and look what we got. No complaints about last weekend, however.

    1. frostbitefalls

      I heard about some email thingies written by someone named Palin. What is this newfangled email stuff? I asked the intern who turns on my computer for me, but her explanation made my head hurt and I had to lie down. Apparently this Palin was governor of the territory of Alaska until she had too many babies and was forced to make a living off something called reality TV. Whatever happened to Huntley and Brinkley? What is this "reality" they are telling me about? Have I reached my word count?

  4. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Bland suburban daily the Washington Post

    I believe you forgot "and Washington Times wannabee".

    …to prevent Chris Cilizza from developing a brain tumor

    Why would anyone want to prevent this one potential positive development in our shameless corporate media?

  5. Callyson

    The complete set of official emails from Palin’s tenure as governor will be released tomorrow, guaranteeing a week-long news cycle dump of Palin’s gubernatorial misadventures riddled with elementary misspellings and syntax errors.
    Oh, thank God–finally, no more Weiners…

  6. alaninthecastro

    Stop the presses! Even as Wonkette fritters away the precious few remaining brain cells of loyal Wonketeers on Sarah Palin news, the chubby young white GOP state legislator in Massachusetts who says it's perfectly fine if illegal immigrants who get raped are afraid to report it to the police is named Ryan Fattman.

    Sorry for the run-on sentence. That's what you call breathless reporting.

        1. user-of-owls

          Not Woo-stah, he represents Sutton.

          And that's just because there is no district named Mutton.

      1. user-of-owls

        A while back she sent out a tweet that simply said "T"

        You might be able to dig it out by searching for a "palin tweet" tag or somesuch. Oh, and I'd never downfist someone just because of simple meme unfamiliarity. Au contraire!

  7. Callyson

    analyze, contextualize, and research those e-mails
    Here's some help, for starters:
    Completely Ignorant
    Batshit Insane
    Pure Hate
    Um, What?

  8. SarahsBush

    If those readers can muster the strength make it through an issue of WaPo on a regular basis, they might have a chance of making it out alive.

    1. mannacler

      She'd eff it up. You're probably too young to remember when she co-anchored the CBS Morning News.

  9. jodyleek

    I will do it if and only if there is some sort of drinking game involved. And free booze. Lots and lots of free booze.

  10. SexySmurf

    The other 10% are from an "Alaskan Princess" who needs your help moving her money out of the country.

  11. baconzgood

    I'm going to get repetitive stress disorder typing "BLOOD LIBEL!!!!" on Wonkette next week.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'd like to help out, but I have a frontal lobotomy scheduled for this weekend. I made the appointment months ago.

  12. metamarcisf

    Both Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford are committed to a piss-fest in Santa Fe

  13. bumfug

    Christ, it would be like reading the comments section at! No, thanks!

  14. neiltheblaze

    Who would want to give up unemployment benefits, or the space they've claimed under their favorite overpass, for this thankless job?

  15. CapeClod

    Sorry, I have some Jehovah's Witnesses coming around to the house this weekend and I would rather listen to them.

  16. edgydrifter

    Pass. It would be like reading James Joyce's grocery list, if he were shopping for things that don't exist. I'm pretty sure H.P. Lovecraft warned us about texts like these.

        1. UW8316154

          Cedar Cheese – isn't that what Paul Revere rode through town when he was firing those shots and ringing those bells?

    1. Guppy06

      He's already had to pay for Palin's cross-border healthcare, isn't that enough punishment?

  17. elviouslyqueer

    I'm sure Bill Kristol would do it, except that his dick might fall off from all the fapping.

  18. WhatTheHeck

    Sorry, no can do. I no speaka her language.
    And i can't afford the Rosetta Stone Palinesque course, which they said would take a linguist 4-5 years to get the hang of it.

  19. KeepFnThatChicken

    I'm all for volunteering, but to be nice I'd rather not have the opportunity. I'd snark myself into an orgasm or ten by being smartass of the century while reading that bitch's email.

    If they want analysis, better go somewhere else. I would be out for blood.

  20. baconzgood

    That's just mean. Let Jr. Cut his/her teeth before we get too abusive. He's/she's not Riely….yet.

  21. qwerty42

    It should be about 100 degrees F outside this weekend. I think I'd rather spend it clearing brush than reading that crazy woman's weird emails. The strange syntax and paranoia might be funny at first, but the gibberish will just wear you down after a while.

  22. horsedreamer_1

    There are several e:mail exchanges between only Sarah Palin & Lou Sarah. It's a Raoul Duke/Dr Gonzo type exchange.

  23. Allmighty_Manos

    The Post doesn't mention that your eyelids will proped open Clockwork Orange Style.

    1. DaRooster

      And be especially careful with that whole, "Give me a ring" thing… the noise is deafening.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    It would be fascinating to see the raw, unfiltered evidence of how Sarah Palin thinks — however, I doubt it'll change my conception of what happens — it's probably the mental equivalent of a senile person on an Ambien somnambulation, making a grilled cheese sandwich with peanut butter, laundry detergent and one of those coupon books from the mail.

  25. SorosBot

    There's also a long back-and-forth conversation between her and a Nigerian prince.

  26. KeepFnThatChicken

    Over 24,000 e-mail messages to and from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin during her tenure as Alaska’s governor will be released Friday.

    All of them, Katie.

  27. SorosBot

    So the Post has found how to make the newspaper business profitable again: by tricking their readers into doing their work for them, for free.

  28. WABishop

    Are there no prisons, no workhouses? I help support those establishments; if the Post needs volunteers perhaps they should look there.

  29. Limeylizzie

    No, I almost signed up! Of course I would tell Wonkette before I reported to my WaPo overlords.

  30. metamarcisf

    Can't we recruit one of our commentators to volunteer so we can get real-time updates on this trashbin of human history?

  31. James Michael Curley

    This is remeniscent of my grand mother who would insist on looking in the toilet before I flushed to devine my health.

  32. SorosBot

    Shit, over a hundred comments in half an hour; Junior knows that Palin stories rack up the pageviews.

  33. zappadoo76

    Volunteers? Like, for free? No way. The WP should get a hundred students from its profit-making Kaplan University to do it, as a 3-credit practicum, in Political Science, or Journalism or something. Kaplan University could even charge the students for the credits, and use the money to pay WP reporters, who will otherwise starve, from poverty.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "practicum, in Political Science, or Journalism or something."

      Abnormal Psychology?

  34. prommie

    They want people to help "surface" the significant emails? What the fucking fuck? What the fucking fuckety-fuck fucking language are they speaking over there?

  35. Mort_Sinclair

    I already have to read the musings of illiterate and semiliterate high school students for a living, satisfying my civic duty requirement for ten lifetimes. Merely the idea of having to read ANYthing written in some official capacity by that braindead snowbilly grifter hag is enough to make me want to nuke the entire state of Alaska and its zombie voters. No. Can. Do.

  36. Respitetini

    I might just volunteer for this, just to read the Real Person Fanfiction she's written about herself and Michelle Bachmann.

  37. PlanetWingNut

    FOR FREE??? in this economy, and Sarah Palin Letters….KMA!!!!

    now if you give me something from tiffany's we'll talk.

  38. Steverino247

    I volunteered. I'll let you know how it goes, assuming there's not some blood oath I have to sign to get access to them from the WaPo.

    1. HistoriCat

      Blood oath libel!

      Thanks Steverino – I am so glad someone is willing to take on for the team.

      1. Steverino247

        That goes without saying, my friend. Again, I have to be picked to be a volunteer and I'm sure the WaPo will insist on some kind of exclusivity oath or something. I know I would if I were them.

    2. ThundercatHo

      Wow, I think you may have topped baconzgood's offer to use his dick as gag for Mann Coulter.

      1. tessiee

        That IS a puzzler!
        Steverino — reading Sarah's emails = putting his brain in a blender.
        baconzgood — mouth-fucking Mann Coulter = putting his dick in a blender.

  39. MasterDebater

    And will these just be the texts of emails, or will we also be able to see all of the funny "forwards" sent to her with pic attachments Obama picking watermelons, moose fucking, Footprints, etc.

  40. pinkocommi

    Just think how funny reading Sarah Palin's emails will be simply for the spelling and grammatical mistakes. The content — heinously bitchy interspersed with asinine — is just the cherry on top.

    1. Steverino247

      This is my reason for volunteering, mainly. That and the chance to see narcissism up close and sharpen the mad reading skillz.

  41. metamarcisf

    Washington Post: "I go looking a for sucker but I get no offers; just a come-on from the whores on 7th Avenue"

  42. hooray4anything

    Oh, dear Lord, please let there be nudie shots and flirtatious emails to male admirers. Is that to much to ask? And if some of them are to Andrew Sullivan, that would instantly make it the Best. Month. Ever.

  43. PlanetWingNut

    this would be a good for people who want to get out of jail early…all they have to do is read her letters…you know they'll gonna snank someone for more time after that!

  44. PlanetWingNut

    I would say give the job to Palinates…but they would get delusioned…YEAH RIGHT

  45. lochnessmonster

    Do these include all the state business she did on her private/personal accounts, phones, etc. To keep it out of scrutiny?

  46. Toomush_Infer

    Sorry, would love to but am having my head cosmetically amputated this weekend…

  47. Sharkey

    Just send it all to me. I wrote an automated program to search for scandals. "Scandalizer v1.0." It's a lot easier than teaching monkeys to read.

    1. emmelemm

      Honestly? You're totally lying. Because if you had invented such a piece of software, you'd be a bazillionaire, and you wouldn't have time to read Wonkette because you'd be too busy snorting cocaine off a hooker's labia.

  48. Terry

    You couldn't pay me enough to read that tripe. I will, however, regularly check in on The Mudflats blog to see what they find.

  49. user-of-owls

    No way. India has at least some basic protections of human rights. Hell, there isn't even a call center in Equatorial Guinea that would do this.

  50. Rotundo_

    Wapo has to resort to volunteers for research? Either they're bleeding cash out of every hole in bulk or they are the cheapest fucknobs on the planet. Volunteers to do research for a freakin' newspaper? What next, a bake sale?

  51. finallyhappy

    It's gay pride weekend in DC- so count me out(And I am an old straight woman- but still…)

  52. StarsUponThars

    Searching Sarah's syntax for proof of her stupid. Talk about your job security.

  53. starfanglednut

    Have any of you ever read any of Hitler's speeches? They're complete gibberish. He just shouted them so authoritatively. I imagine her emails are like that. Gibberish, stated with conviction.

  54. chascates

    "And if you don't ask for extra sour cream on that Enchirito again you'll be delivering mail up in Barrow you insect!"

  55. Sharkey

    I simply assume that it has already been tossed. As to how much a person can take, that's what this whole experiment is about.

  56. Nothingisamiss

    I'm with the no votes, this time. We gotta give Junior some time to enjoy this (presumably) paying job before he/she/they realize that their soul is dying.

    Plus, I'm kissing ass. Comment of the Day?!

  57. Redhead

    Anyone who is insane enough to do this is not someone you want analyzing emails – or trying to define "contextualize."

  58. __kth__

    The Fix would be an awesome name for a column that wasn't stupid and banal. As it is, Cillizza should call his column The Fixx, which seems more his cultural and cognitive speed.

  59. Negropolis

    They could always go looking for help at the unemployment offices. I hear those places are plenty busy, these days.

    That, or they could troll the nation's (few remaining) psychiatric hospitals to try and find translators for Gibberish, specifically the Palinese Alaskan dialect of Gibberish.

  60. tessiee

    Didn't Paul Revere say something in the Magna Carta about cruel and unusual punishment?

  61. tessiee

    Let's get what's-his-face to do it, since he thinks Lou Sarah is so prestigious.
    After an hour, he'll be rocking glassy-eyed in a corner, mumbling, "exhilarating… exquisite…" over and over.

  62. ttommyunger

    Jeebus Christ on a cracker! I don't even read all my own emails, why would I want to read this vapid twat's?

Comments are closed.