can cause cancer

WaPo Seeks Army Of Insane Volunteers To Spend All Weekend Reading Palin Email Dump

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I don't know any Dons, sorryBland suburban daily the Washington Post is asking for one hundred volunteers who want to stab forks into their eyes for a few days and help scour 24,000 Sarah Palin emails to prevent Chris Cilizza from developing a brain tumor reading them on his own. The complete set of official emails from Palin’s tenure as governor will be released tomorrow, guaranteeing a week-long news cycle dump of Palin’s gubernatorial misadventures riddled with elementary misspellings and syntax errors. We sure are looking forward to that! Now, who wants to sign up?

Over 24,000 e-mail messages to and from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin during her tenure as Alaska’s governor will be released Friday. That’s a lot of e-mail for us to review so we’re looking for some help from Fix readers to analyze, contextualize, and research those e-mails right alongside Post reporters over the days following the release.

We are limiting this to just 100 spots for people who will work collaboratively in small teams to surface the most important information from the e-mails. Participants can join from anywhere with a computer and an Internet connection.

WaPo is limiting this mouth-watering task to “just” one hundred people who would rather lose a half dozen IQ points parsing Sarah Palin’s illiterate bickering for “meaning” all weekend, for free, instead of doing absolutely anything else. This is your employment future, America. [Washington Post]

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Comments

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  • nounverb911

    If they are not insane when they start, they certainly will be when they finish.

    • Giveusabob

      If this WaPo event seems less than appealing, I'm having a free icepick lobotomy BBQ at my place this weekend. Bring your own icepick (BYOI).

    • CapeClod

      This is how a zombie apocalypse gets started.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        WIN!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's called "document review". Employed lawyers hire unemployed lawyers to do this sort of thing all the time. (This accounts for those zombified dead souls riding home on the subway at midnight.)

    • OzoneTom

      Meh. I'm sure all of the best stuff is in her Yahoo mail anyway.

  • metamarcisf

    I'm busy but I happen to know of a herd of rabid monkeys runnings loose in the Gila National Forest just ahead of that forest fire. If that'll help.

    • Ducksworthy

      If Palin is with them, yes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Read the fucking article, already! We've already got Palin's emails. Now we need someone to read them.

  • nounverb911

    Sorry, can't make it, the sun is contemplating a surprise visit to Seattle this weekend, and I'm planning on being outside.

    • Giveusabob

      Cmon! That'll take only 5 minutes. What about the rest of the day?

      • HistoriCat

        Got to give it the full 15 minutes. Ken Layne said so.

    • jus_wonderin

      I can send you some of this Texas sun. We could use a break. (God, are you listening?)

      • MissusBarry

        Not until August 6.

        • emmelemm

          Touché!!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Hey, does it really rain constantly there like in that show "The Killing"?

    • UW8316154

      Quit teasing, NounVerb.

      I took today OFF because it was supposed to be sunny around here, and look what we got. No complaints about last weekend, however.

  • RadioJr.

    What, Richard Cohen is just too busy?

    • frostbitefalls

      I heard about some email thingies written by someone named Palin. What is this newfangled email stuff? I asked the intern who turns on my computer for me, but her explanation made my head hurt and I had to lie down. Apparently this Palin was governor of the territory of Alaska until she had too many babies and was forced to make a living off something called reality TV. Whatever happened to Huntley and Brinkley? What is this "reality" they are telling me about? Have I reached my word count?

      • UW8316154

        Aren't Huntley and Brinkley the two oldest Palin kids?

    • LouBristol

      Of course! Those secretaries are not gonna harass themselves, y'know.

  • Lucidamente1

    How much word salad can a person take?

  • Crank_Tango

    this is like going through a septic tank looking for corn, only worse.

    • MissusBarry

      The upfist didn't begin to express my joy.

    • Gopherit

      Very well put.

    • Guppy06

      Kernels of truth?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Bland suburban daily the Washington Post

    I believe you forgot "and Washington Times wannabee".

    …to prevent Chris Cilizza from developing a brain tumor

    Why would anyone want to prevent this one potential positive development in our shameless corporate media?
    ~

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Guantanamo detainees sound like prime candidates for this task (Wordsalad-boarding?).

  • nounverb911

    I upfist a yes.

  • Andrew Drinker

    I nominate Cord Jefferson.

    • HistoriCat

      I nominate Jordan Ginsberg (aka the Canadian dude).

  • LesBontemps

    Look, journamalism!

  • Callyson

    The complete set of official emails from Palin’s tenure as governor will be released tomorrow, guaranteeing a week-long news cycle dump of Palin’s gubernatorial misadventures riddled with elementary misspellings and syntax errors.
    Oh, thank God–finally, no more Weiners…

    • nounverb911

      There's always Tod's sexts to Sarah.

  • alaninthecastro

    Stop the presses! Even as Wonkette fritters away the precious few remaining brain cells of loyal Wonketeers on Sarah Palin news, the chubby young white GOP state legislator in Massachusetts who says it's perfectly fine if illegal immigrants who get raped are afraid to report it to the police is named Ryan Fattman.

    Sorry for the run-on sentence. That's what you call breathless reporting.

    • flamingpdog

      Ryan Fattman sounds like the one who should be breathless.

    • Gopherit

      But he's not chubby. He's tragically chinless:
      http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_MI0eHifqM14/TSeOUss6-2I

      Also a complete asshole.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Special Ed" is written all over that face.

      • alaninthecastro

        I'm willing to stipulate that he is chinless rather than chubby, but he do photograph poorly. http://www.wickedlocal.com/bellingham/town_info/y

        As for your second point, I guess I'd have to say that if Ryan Fattman got butt-raped and was afraid to report it to the police, it wouldn't bother me that much.

        • user-of-owls

          Not Woo-stah, he represents Sutton.

          And that's just because there is no district named Mutton.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Well, Worcester is is a horrible dive if that helps (no offense to any wonketeers who may live there)

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          "Ryan leads Republicans" this guy couldn't lead the Huckabee kids to a Golden Corral.

      • DemmeFatale

        Now, there's a face I'd love to smack.
        And smack HARD!

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Here come ol' Fattman
      He come slimin' up slowly
      ~

      • Toomush_Infer

        He got joojoo eyeballs….

    • [redacted]hse

      Ryan!!! That's a good one!

    • user-of-owls

      So that's what Screech is up to these days.

      http://www.hecklerspray.com/wp-content/uploads/20

  • SexySmurf

    I'll do it for Kaplan University credit.

  • Lucidamente1

    I think Ken Layne is available.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      He's a novelist now. So yeah, lots of time on his hands.

    • flamingpdog

      Ken Lay might be a better choice. Already brain-dead.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Lies! Ken Lay is Alive!

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        Hey, I resemble that remark.

        • flamingpdog

          I haz the sadz. Please don't set me aflame.

        • Negropolis

          lol!

    • RadioJr.

      Too soon?

  • SorosBot

    Most of them are probably just "T".

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      At the risk of downfist hell,what does the "T" reference mean or refer to?

      • user-of-owls

        A while back she sent out a tweet that simply said "T"

        You might be able to dig it out by searching for a "palin tweet" tag or somesuch. Oh, and I'd never downfist someone just because of simple meme unfamiliarity. Au contraire!

        • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

          Thanks.

          That woman is amazing and I mean in the worst way possible.

      • not that Dewey

        http://wonkette.com/433989/sarah-palin-has-either

        You'll notice that, at the time, it had been "retweeted" by 28 people.

    • UW8316154

      Either that or she just quit writing half-way through.

  • DaRooster

    Yay!

  • Callyson

    Also:
    analyze, contextualize, and research those e-mails
    Here's some help, for starters:
    Completely Ignorant
    Batshit Insane
    Pure Hate
    Um, What?

  • SarahsBush

    If those readers can muster the strength make it through an issue of WaPo on a regular basis, they might have a chance of making it out alive.

  • iburl

    I'd rather read these kid's homework: http://stupidfunnypics.blogspot.com/2010/12/funny

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Jesus, can't Sally Quinn do this?

    • horsedreamer_1

      In exchange for one nite with Todd, yes.

    • mannacler

      She'd eff it up. You're probably too young to remember when she co-anchored the CBS Morning News.

  • jodyleek

    I will do it if and only if there is some sort of drinking game involved. And free booze. Lots and lots of free booze.

    • riverside68

      don't forget the 72 virgins

  • SexySmurf

    The other 10% are from an "Alaskan Princess" who needs your help moving her money out of the country.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Moving your money into her wallet.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    The whole "working collaborative" thing pretty much nixes it for me.

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      And I'm not crazy about their use of the word 'surface' either.

  • Crank_Tango

    is this the account with the abc123 password, or the official account?

  • Billmatic

    I wonder if she got pictures of Anthony Weiner's dick.

  • baconzgood

    I'm going to get repetitive stress disorder typing "BLOOD LIBEL!!!!" on Wonkette next week.

  • DaRooster

    Sorry, I'm busy… I have to… um… SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE!

    • RadioJr.

      You can't fire me…I QUIT!

    • GOPCrusher

      I'd like to help out, but I have a frontal lobotomy scheduled for this weekend. I made the appointment months ago.

  • metamarcisf

    Both Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford are committed to a piss-fest in Santa Fe

  • MrFizzy

    I was going to chew on a roll of aluminum foil, but this may be even better.

  • bumfug

    Christ, it would be like reading the comments section at BigGovernment.com! No, thanks!

  • AJWjr.

    T

    • LetUsBray

      15% of them are "T".

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      wat?

  • neiltheblaze

    Who would want to give up unemployment benefits, or the space they've claimed under their favorite overpass, for this thankless job?

  • Gopherit

    How do you send emails in crayon? Is there a font like wingdings?

  • CapeClod

    Sorry, I have some Jehovah's Witnesses coming around to the house this weekend and I would rather listen to them.

  • edgydrifter

    Pass. It would be like reading James Joyce's grocery list, if he were shopping for things that don't exist. I'm pretty sure H.P. Lovecraft warned us about texts like these.

    • AJWjr.

      Complete with white casuls and cakes we like?

    • horsedreamer_1

      This is actually Joyce's grocery list. I was shocked, too, so you know.
      http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/gh

      • proudgrampa

        Now I'd love to have me some o' that "Cedar Cheese!"

        • UW8316154

          Cedar Cheese – isn't that what Paul Revere rode through town when he was firing those shots and ringing those bells?

  • AJWjr.

    I nominate William Shatner.

    • flamingpdog

      KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!!

    • Guppy06

      He's already had to pay for Palin's cross-border healthcare, isn't that enough punishment?

    • tessiee

      If he's busy, we can always use Adam West.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I'm sure Bill Kristol would do it, except that his dick might fall off from all the fapping.

  • Mahousu

    OT(?), but essentially all of Gingrich's staff has quit. Perhaps they know that Gingrich sent some wiener pix to Palin?

    • LetUsBray

      Wouldn't he have to find it under that gut of his first?

  • WhatTheHeck

    Sorry, no can do. I no speaka her language.
    And i can't afford the Rosetta Stone Palinesque course, which they said would take a linguist 4-5 years to get the hang of it.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      and that's a cunning linguist.

      sorry. ever so sorry.

      • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        It's a reflex. We've all been there.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I'm all for volunteering, but to be nice I'd rather not have the opportunity. I'd snark myself into an orgasm or ten by being smartass of the century while reading that bitch's email.

    If they want analysis, better go somewhere else. I would be out for blood.

    • genxr

      Ummm. It's the media. When have they ever chosen analysis over blood?

      • UW8316154

        Blood libel!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Palin + Dump = Chocolate + Peanut Butter

  • fuflans

    in what respect wapo?

  • baconzgood

    That's just mean. Let Jr. Cut his/her teeth before we get too abusive. He's/she's not Riely….yet.

    • horsedreamer_1

      But, what if Wonkette, Jr., is Riley, same body & everything?

      • baconzgood

        Then: On your mark, get set….ABUSE.

  • jus_wonderin

    LOL. Is there even a door?

  • qwerty42

    It should be about 100 degrees F outside this weekend. I think I'd rather spend it clearing brush than reading that crazy woman's weird emails. The strange syntax and paranoia might be funny at first, but the gibberish will just wear you down after a while.

  • horsedreamer_1

    There are several e:mail exchanges between only Sarah Palin & Lou Sarah. It's a Raoul Duke/Dr Gonzo type exchange.

  • philpjfry

    Isn't there an insane asylum someplace looking for recreation for the patients?

    • ChessieNefercat

      Hmm. After all, they're already insane…

    • Negropolis

      Nope, St. Ronnie closed 'em all.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    The Post doesn't mention that your eyelids will proped open Clockwork Orange Style.

    • genxr

      And you'll never be able to listen to Beethoven again.

  • RadioJr.

    Be careful when you say, "shoot me an e-mail" to Palin.

    • DaRooster

      And be especially careful with that whole, "Give me a ring" thing… the noise is deafening.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It would be fascinating to see the raw, unfiltered evidence of how Sarah Palin thinks — however, I doubt it'll change my conception of what happens — it's probably the mental equivalent of a senile person on an Ambien somnambulation, making a grilled cheese sandwich with peanut butter, laundry detergent and one of those coupon books from the mail.

  • SorosBot

    There's also a long back-and-forth conversation between her and a Nigerian prince.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Over 24,000 e-mail messages to and from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin during her tenure as Alaska’s governor will be released Friday.

    All of them, Katie.

  • SorosBot

    So the Post has found how to make the newspaper business profitable again: by tricking their readers into doing their work for them, for free.

  • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

    Are there no prisons, no workhouses? I help support those establishments; if the Post needs volunteers perhaps they should look there.

    • SorosBot

      Or they could look to the students they're scamming with their fake university.

    • GOPCrusher

      What about Gitmo?

  • Limeylizzie

    No, I almost signed up! Of course I would tell Wonkette before I reported to my WaPo overlords.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      I'm worried that Barb won't pace herself. She could blow a snark circuit.

  • metamarcisf

    Can't we recruit one of our commentators to volunteer so we can get real-time updates on this trashbin of human history?

  • James Michael Curley

    This is remeniscent of my grand mother who would insist on looking in the toilet before I flushed to devine my health.

  • SorosBot

    Shit, over a hundred comments in half an hour; Junior knows that Palin stories rack up the pageviews.

    • sarjo

      Yes, the force of sleaze is strong with that one.

  • zappadoo76

    Volunteers? Like, for free? No way. The WP should get a hundred students from its profit-making Kaplan University to do it, as a 3-credit practicum, in Political Science, or Journalism or something. Kaplan University could even charge the students for the credits, and use the money to pay WP reporters, who will otherwise starve, from poverty.

    • ChessieNefercat

      "practicum, in Political Science, or Journalism or something."

      Abnormal Psychology?

  • flamingpdog

    Sounds like a job for Opie and Anthony.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I'd rather see Bristol ride the Sybian.

      /shudders

  • prommie

    They want people to help "surface" the significant emails? What the fucking fuck? What the fucking fuckety-fuck fucking language are they speaking over there?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Wapoian?

  • Mort_Sinclair

    I already have to read the musings of illiterate and semiliterate high school students for a living, satisfying my civic duty requirement for ten lifetimes. Merely the idea of having to read ANYthing written in some official capacity by that braindead snowbilly grifter hag is enough to make me want to nuke the entire state of Alaska and its zombie voters. No. Can. Do.

  • ChessieNefercat

    One long fapfest for him/them.

  • Respitetini

    I might just volunteer for this, just to read the Real Person Fanfiction she's written about herself and Michelle Bachmann.

  • PlanetWingNut

    FOR FREE??? in this economy, and Sarah Palin Letters….KMA!!!!

    now if you give me something from tiffany's we'll talk.

  • TheMightyHaltor

    Could I please clean the Fukushima reactor with my tongue instead?

  • Steverino247

    I volunteered. I'll let you know how it goes, assuming there's not some blood oath I have to sign to get access to them from the WaPo.

    • HistoriCat

      Blood oath libel!

      Thanks Steverino – I am so glad someone is willing to take on for the team.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Just post the really good stuff here before you send it to WaPo.

      • Steverino247

        That goes without saying, my friend. Again, I have to be picked to be a volunteer and I'm sure the WaPo will insist on some kind of exclusivity oath or something. I know I would if I were them.

    • ThundercatHo

      Wow, I think you may have topped baconzgood's offer to use his dick as gag for Mann Coulter.

      • Steverino247

        Not quite sure how to take that, but it was a very funny comment!

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        I didn't know Baconz had done that. He is one brave wonketeer.

      • tessiee

        That IS a puzzler!
        Steverino — reading Sarah's emails = putting his brain in a blender.
        baconzgood — mouth-fucking Mann Coulter = putting his dick in a blender.

  • MasterDebater

    Isn't this what Gitmo was built for?

  • metamarcisf

    With the B-side of "Instant Karma", entitled "Who Has Seen the Wind?"

  • MasterDebater

    And will these just be the texts of emails, or will we also be able to see all of the funny "forwards" sent to her with pic attachments Obama picking watermelons, moose fucking, Footprints, etc.

  • pinkocommi

    Just think how funny reading Sarah Palin's emails will be simply for the spelling and grammatical mistakes. The content — heinously bitchy interspersed with asinine — is just the cherry on top.

    • Steverino247

      This is my reason for volunteering, mainly. That and the chance to see narcissism up close and sharpen the mad reading skillz.

    • sarjo

      Oh, man, that would be sic sic sic!

  • metamarcisf

    Washington Post: "I go looking a for sucker but I get no offers; just a come-on from the whores on 7th Avenue"

    • sarjo

      Bukowski?

  • hooray4anything

    Oh, dear Lord, please let there be nudie shots and flirtatious emails to male admirers. Is that to much to ask? And if some of them are to Andrew Sullivan, that would instantly make it the Best. Month. Ever.

  • PlanetWingNut

    this would be a good for people who want to get out of jail early…all they have to do is read her letters…you know they'll gonna snank someone for more time after that!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "Nutraloaf, the cunt's letters, or solitary confinement?! You pick, Rocko."

  • PlanetWingNut

    I would say give the job to Palinates…but they would get delusioned…YEAH RIGHT

  • hagajim

    Sounds like a job for Wonkette staff.

  • lochnessmonster

    Do these include all the state business she did on her private/personal accounts, phones, etc. To keep it out of scrutiny?

  • emmelemm

    Watermelonsss!!!1!

  • MinAgain

    Isn't this how the Unibomber started out?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Sorry, would love to but am having my head cosmetically amputated this weekend…

  • Guppy06

    "Volunteers" = no workers' comp.

  • Guppy06

    Volunteers: for when interns are just too expensive.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Just send it all to me. I wrote an automated program to search for scandals. "Scandalizer v1.0." It's a lot easier than teaching monkeys to read.

    • emmelemm

      Honestly? You're totally lying. Because if you had invented such a piece of software, you'd be a bazillionaire, and you wouldn't have time to read Wonkette because you'd be too busy snorting cocaine off a hooker's labia.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        The main problem is the wordsalad translator module never worked right. We're gonna get that fixed for 2.0.

  • Terry

    You couldn't pay me enough to read that tripe. I will, however, regularly check in on The Mudflats blog to see what they find.

    • sarjo

      For the trashy dirt, you're going to have to check Immoral Minority, I reckon.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Which languages are required other than English and Basic Palinian?

    • genxr

      I have "Conversational Batshit" on CD, If anyone needs to borrow it.

      • DemmeFatale

        Bravo!

    • Steverino247

      All of them, Katie! (Had to do it)

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    Todd's masseuse?

  • user-of-owls

    No way. India has at least some basic protections of human rights. Hell, there isn't even a call center in Equatorial Guinea that would do this.

  • Come here a minute

    Can this be used on a resume as an internship?

    • genxr

      If that resume is written in crayon, yes.

  • Rotundo_

    Wapo has to resort to volunteers for research? Either they're bleeding cash out of every hole in bulk or they are the cheapest fucknobs on the planet. Volunteers to do research for a freakin' newspaper? What next, a bake sale?

  • finallyhappy

    It's gay pride weekend in DC- so count me out(And I am an old straight woman- but still…)

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "You rang?" –Julian Assange

  • StarsUponThars

    Searching Sarah's syntax for proof of her stupid. Talk about your job security.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Have any of you ever read any of Hitler's speeches? They're complete gibberish. He just shouted them so authoritatively. I imagine her emails are like that. Gibberish, stated with conviction.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Sarah Palin's® All-You-Can-Eat Word Salad Bar

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    no mention of the span of the 24,000 e-mails, two-three days perhaps?

  • chascates

    "And if you don't ask for extra sour cream on that Enchirito again you'll be delivering mail up in Barrow you insect!"

  • sarjo

    DeVEIN, dummy! Dangling 'rhoid!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I simply assume that it has already been tossed. As to how much a person can take, that's what this whole experiment is about.

  • Guppy06

    What do you mean "today?"

  • rocktonsam

    reading?
    $arah Palin?
    I haz a confoosed!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Now the NY Times is asking for volunteers as well. When did our journalists get so lazy? Oh, right.
    http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/09/hel

  • Nothingisamiss

    I'm with the no votes, this time. We gotta give Junior some time to enjoy this (presumably) paying job before he/she/they realize that their soul is dying.

    Plus, I'm kissing ass. Comment of the Day?!

  • tessiee

    And for free, yet?
    Can't they just run them over with a truck or something?

  • Redhead

    Anyone who is insane enough to do this is not someone you want analyzing emails – or trying to define "contextualize."

  • __kth__

    The Fix would be an awesome name for a column that wasn't stupid and banal. As it is, Cillizza should call his column The Fixx, which seems more his cultural and cognitive speed.

  • Negropolis

    They could always go looking for help at the unemployment offices. I hear those places are plenty busy, these days.

    That, or they could troll the nation's (few remaining) psychiatric hospitals to try and find translators for Gibberish, specifically the Palinese Alaskan dialect of Gibberish.

  • tessiee

    Didn't Paul Revere say something in the Magna Carta about cruel and unusual punishment?

  • tessiee

    Let's get what's-his-face to do it, since he thinks Lou Sarah is so prestigious.
    After an hour, he'll be rocking glassy-eyed in a corner, mumbling, "exhilarating… exquisite…" over and over.

  • Buckminster

    Not enough eye-wash in the world to get me to read this crap.

  • ttommyunger

    Jeebus Christ on a cracker! I don't even read all my own emails, why would I want to read this vapid twat's?

  • not that Dewey