Rick Perry Resigns Control Of Texas: God In Charge As of August 6

  why didn't anybody think of this before?

this is how rick perry praysTexas Governor Rick Perry has declared he can’t solve the state’s problems, so from now on official government policy is “pray, everybody.” Perry is holding a day of fasting and prayer called “The Response” at a sports stadium in Houston on August 6th, which everyone can now consider the “effective date” for God’s taking over of Texas affairs. “Some problems are beyond our power to solve,” Perry said, which includes the state debt, unemployment, public health, disaster response, and, uh, teen pregnancy. Prayer will now be in charge of these things. If anyone has a problem with how these things are going, they can phone God and ask “what the hell,” because Rick Perry will no longer be responsible.

From “The Response” website:

Right now, America is in crisis: we have been besieged by financial debt, terrorism, and a multitude of natural disasters. As a nation, we must come together and call upon Jesus to guide us through unprecedented struggles, and thank Him for the blessings of freedom we so richly enjoy.

Some problems are beyond our power to solve, and according to the Book of Joel, Chapter 2, this historic hour demands a historic response. Therefore, on August 6, thousands will gather to pray for a historic breakthrough for our country and a renewed sense of moral purpose.

This “breakthrough” sounds even better than that whole “Rapture” thing. What date can we expect this “breakthrough,” Rick? August 10th or so? [The Response]

 
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314 comments

    1. blinky_twinkie

      God hasn't dreamed up the tornado that can penetrate Rick Perry's hair. Sorry, God. You're a shabby loser and you're fired. But please fix all our problems first, and then go home.

    2. mormos

      Fire's all across Arizona and Texas, devastating tornadoes throughout the south, we haven't even hit hurricane season yet, and the Republicans think God is angry with the democrats. If a pillar of fire came down and destroyed the grave of Ronald Reagan they'd think it was a blessing from heaven telling them to lynch more queers.

  1. iburl

    Because praying for the Dallas Cowboys to be in the Super Bowl game that Dallas hosted last year worked out so well.

    1. genxr

      And the Texas Rangers. They lost to the San Francisco Atheists (I think that's the team name) last year.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        It's odd how that is: the Queen City Pelosis won, but the team owned by the Ambassador to Ireland for Commie Muslim Fascist Obama lost.

        Mysterious ways.

      2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I'm pretty sure God stopped Texas because he is still upset with George Bush for trading Sammy Sosa. And for not killing enough infidels while president.

    2. RedNM

      There's a thousand ticketholders standing outside the stadium still waiting to be let in.

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        Ah, yes! Only 144,000 will be permitted into the stadium. The others will stand outside, weeping and gnashing their teeth. John Boehner and a team of orthodontists will be on hand for palliative care.

    3. not that Dewey

      True fact: the Dallas Superbowl stole critical power from the electric grid that ordinarily supplies the natural gas plants that ordinarily supply New Mexico with heat in the winter. When the temperature hit -18F here this past February (which obviously has nothing to do with climate change), Texas powered down the NG plants which in turn plunged NM into frigid, burst-water-pipe chaos. But the lights at the Dallas stadium stayed on.

    1. Thurman Munster IV

      !Perry/God 2012! After all, he's a Kotexan and nobody's got bigger balls, even Him.

      /Fixed/

      1. V572 [SSAN]

        Gratifying to see that Kaus finally found his spiritual home with the Jazz-Bo Chicken Baron. Unions'n'immigants: the source of all our problems!

  2. BarryOPotter

    Perry needs to quit worrying about "America's" problems and fast track that Tejas secession plan…

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Here's how much of a Billy Joel nut I am: The first song (loosely, we'll call that "Chapter 1" on the Piano Man album is called "Travelin' Prayer."

      JOEL = JESUS

      I'll go back to being a boring, lifeless person now.

    2. Moonbat

      My guess is "Seen The Lights Go Down On Broadway," which admittedly is not technically on "Piano Man" but I think could be shoehorned in as Apocrypha.

    1. lumpenprole

      That's funny, now that I think about it, that eBay lady who wanted to be governor of VS, kept saying the same thing! We had to hurry up, lower taxes and deregulate everything before Texas crushed us with their mighty growth and freedumz.

    2. iburl

      It was in great condition BEFORE the election, once Perry was re-elected, whoopsie! We found out that Texas is as effed economically as California.

  3. Goonemeritus

    Just like a Republican, always looking for “Big-God” to solve the problems that individuals should work out for themselves.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Gawd helps them as help themselves, and if it's one thing the Rethugs know, it's helping themselves. To everything.

  4. memzilla

    What makes Governor Goodhair think G-d wants to help Texas? And isn't G-d the ultimate Unelected Bureaucrat, of that hated class which the Rethuglicans love to demonize? And why isn't Perry calling for the privatization of Heaven?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      There is always a chance that Perry hit, say, a cherub (one of God's armed, chubby bodyguards) rather than The Lord Himself.

    2. Negropolis

      Dallas Morning News headline: "God survives assassination attempt; Perry fingered."

  5. KeepFnThatChicken

    I wonder if Vishnu will be kind and intercede — even if these fucksticks do mispronounce his name and say "Jesus".

  6. MARCdMan

    Jeebus told me to vote all these clowns out of office and re-regulate the financial sector years ago, how come he didn't tell you?

  7. Gopherit

    Republican Jesus nods with approval. Regular Jesus, however, is reaching for the smite button.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, when he finally does find the remote (buried under the Holy Ghost's toys), it won't work because Republican Jesus defunded the battery charger.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Oh God said to Rick Perry, "Kill me a son"
    Rick says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
    God says, "No." Rick says, "What ?"
    God says, "You can do what you want Rick, but
    The next time you see me comin' you better run"
    Well Rick says, "Where do you want this killin' done ?"
    God says. "At the Houston Astrodome".

  9. nonbeliever7

    Hey Rick, It would help if you quit shooting at God. He gets tired of ducking all the time you decide to prove your manliness.

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      God better get used to occasional gunfire because the only other way Gov. Goodhair knows to prove his manliness is to repeatedly suck the manliness out of other mens.

  10. jodyleek

    Just a cotton pickin' minute, Ricardo…Bat Shit Crazy Bachman asked for her 'special anointing' first buddy boy, so get in line!

  11. baconzgood

    Jesus is too busy cutting taxes and slashing social programs to pay attention to you right now….

  12. horsedreamer_1

    So, I suppose Paul Reverse wasn't tolling the bells to tell the British that we were going to deny their State Church.

    Re-appoint George III Elizabeth II sovereign!

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      Well, Rick has done some of his own roll back to the Good Ol' Colony days. He just signed a tort reform bill that adopts the british rule, i.e. loser* pays, for litigation. hey, losers, it's not like we fought a war over it or anything. elections matter. (juries, not so much.)

      *only if the "loser" is the broke-ass widows and/or orphans of some poor schlub who got killed by the defendant.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Rick Perry:

    Your call is very important to us. All of our representatives are busy at the moment serving other customers. Please continue to hold, and the next customer service representative will be with you shortly.

    Sincerely,

    God

    1. Weenus299

      P.s., if you are scheduled for a service during My business hours, please remain at the premises during the window of time specified in your service connection agreement. I am not responsible for negative service calls if you are not there.

    2. Warpde

      Uh, yeah Hi.
      This is Jan, Jan Joplin. Uh, Have you heard anything about my Mercedies request yet?
      My friends still have them Porches…
      Hello? Hello?

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      If you would like to leave a message, please press #1. Someone from the Almighty's staff will be with you. Messages are returned in this order of preference: the poor, ill, despondent, the blind, the lame, and the orphaned will have their calls returned ASAP. Texas governors will be served when Hell freezes over or the above-named are cared for adequately, which ever comes first. Beep!

  14. PeaceWithHonor

    Hey Rick, amazing how well the 12 steps translate to being a Republican. Pay close attention to the inuring others and making amends parts. Do you good.

    1. We admitted we were powerless over government—that our lives had become
    unmanageable.
    2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
    sanity.
    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
    understood Him.
    4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
    5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
    of our wrongs.
    6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
    7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
    8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
    amends to them all.
    9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
    so would injure them or others.
    10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
    admitted it.
    11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
    God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
    and the power to carry that out.
    12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
    carry this message to other Republicans, and to practice these principles in all our
    affairs.

    1. genxr

      Now he just needs to apologize to everyone in the country, individually. That ought to keep him busy for a while.

      1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Tie that into a "You know who also got the vote in Hidalgo County?" comment and you'll win the internets for the day!

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, Texas must've tried everything possible to solve their problems if they're turning to The LORD now. Well — everything possible except fiscal responsibility, education, accounting, science and technology.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You govern a state with the abilities you have, not the abilities you wish you had.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Those are pretty big words there, Wookies. Are you sure they all refer to actual things?

    3. not that Dewey

      Hey God! You gotta help us! We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas!

  16. Polythene_Pam

    How awesome would it be if God actually showed up & told them to shut up & get out there to do something to fix their own problems

    1. Weenus299

      "I GAVE you a fuckin' government so you could institute some people-saving shit, motherfuckers. STFU!"

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        And He fucks up those who fuck up themselves.

        (Trust me, it's in the original Aramaic.)

      1. poncho_pilot

        some managed to get elected? i lived in College Station for five years, i didn't even bother to vote as i'm not sure they wouldn't just throw my ballot away in that town.

        1. orygoon

          I lived in College Station, too, and I voted. Invariably, the next day I'd look at the results for my precinct, and cry. But I did vote, dammit.

  17. mavenmaven

    Its the Bush agenda again: Prayer is a lot cheaper than health care, education, or infrastructure. Don't go to the hospital and ask for expensive drugs we don't want to give you, just pray pray pray!

    1. Jerri

      But the beauty is that God is in charge. So, even if they do blame filthy liberals, it means God is a liberal and/or liberals are god.

      Not that simple logic means fuck-all to these all-stars, but come on. Let me enjoy this.

      1. freakishlywrong

        ♪Ok ♫..but don't come crying to us when half the country and the "media" side with cons, regardless of blatant factiness.

        1. Jerri

          Shhhh!Shhhhh la-la-la-I'm not listening.

          I'm having a bad day. Let me bask in this happy daydream of crazies renouncing the lord just for a little while longer.

    1. WABishop

      It's important to put it in context. You'll find the full sentence reads:

      The Germans bombed Pearl Harbor because they were jealous of our freedoms.

      Don't just cherry-pick phrases to make them look bad.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        My history book has it wrong. It says that the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor to announce to the French that they were armed and would not allow them to take their guns away.

        1. Negropolis

          You forgot their planes were fitted with bells. Lots and lots of bells. And they were ringin' 'em sumthin' fierce that sunny, August mornin'.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      I've obviously been out of school too long, or listening to too much of what Pain thought, because it took me about a minute before I thought "Haha, the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor in December!" And then another five minutes after that, I realized I needed a drink.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        "And then another five minutes after that, I realized I needed another drink."

        Fixed.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    "…As a nation, we must come together and call upon Jesus…"

    Okay, okay. I'd like to advocate for smaller government now plz.

  19. baconzgood

    And lo Rick came from the mountian, tablets etched with the finger of God in his hand. And upon those sacred stones was written "If this is the best you can come up with Tex-Ass, your fucked"

  20. Tommmcattt

    All I can say is that God has better get to solving my jock itch problem first, because I put in that order months ago and I will NOT be kind to customer service if I have to call them again.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      You must apply the prayer twice daily to clean, dry skin, Tom. Very important to do it exactly as it says.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        And be sure to say all the prescribed prayers, even if you're feeling better.
        This will prevent the evolution emergence of prayer-resistant jock itch.

  21. widestanceroman

    I can see Texas praying for a whole day, but the fasting? Not gonna happen.

    I'll believe Perry's faith when he renounces hair dryers and round brushes. And cock, even if he's only slightly more Not Gay than Schock.

  22. riverside68

    It's my understanding that Satan is more open to negotiation and keeps up his end of the deal.

    Rick may be barking up the wrong tree.

  23. baconzgood

    How interesting. A man that is most likely going to burn in hell asking us to pray. Isn't it ironic, don't ja think?

  24. Gopherit

    All of these assholes complaing:
    ""What do we do, Lord Jesus? Our state debt is crushing us!"

    What will they do when a voice from on high says ,"RENDER UNTO CAESAR, BITCHES."Ask to talk to someone else?

  25. KeepFnThatChicken

    seven hours of people who cannot understand cause and effect, does not sound like a workable, or viable, solution.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      To be fair, he wants to run as the GOP candidate.
      He's got what it takes: Hair, Prayer, and Hot Air.

  26. SorosBot

    Rick Perry prayed to god, asking him to stop the disastrous weather that's been going on recently, and asking him why he was punishing us. God came down, and said, "I'm not punishing you guys at all; you brought this own yourselves and ignored all the warnings. Haven't you heard all the scientists' predictions of global warming, dumbass?"

    1. freakishlywrong

      "Oh yeah, and raise taxes, bitch, you're shorting my peeps; you know how I feel about the wealthy, muffinhead."

  27. orygoon

    I used to live in Texas, and I prayed for it a lot, on the "can't hurt, might help" principle. But I wouldn't say that it ever actually helped, alas.

  28. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm sure Rick Perry believes that we were given the A-Bomb by God to get rid of all the dinosaurs. How else do you explain that there are none around now?

  29. KeepFnThatChicken

    I thought he was Going Galt like Palin did at first. Very disappointed in what I read later.

  30. JoshuaNorton

    Blah! There's more ignorance around than there used to be. Not just plain stupidity – the stupidity quotient has been pretty steady. Now-a-days more people are getting a pass to ignore what we know and base their actions strictly on the unfiltered crap that churns around inside their brain and plops out of their mouth.

    Todays' New Knowledge is yesterday's Old Ignorance.

    Elitist of me. I know.

    1. gef05

      Their are monkeys who masturbate all day that are elitist in contrast to some of these clowns.

  31. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Who do you think frightened off the Egyptians by announcing that Davy and Lewis and Clark were coming with their God-given, Christian Second Amendment rights intact?

  32. genxr

    God answers all prayers, but sometimes the answer is a hearty guffaw, followed by several minutes of loud, sustained laughter.

  33. Sassomatic

    Now that God is an elected official, how long till we get to see pictures of his wang?

  34. Mumbletypeg

    Apropos of nought: for many years a popular haunt here in the Confederacy-capital, called the Texas-Wisconsin Border Cafe, kept me coming back for its brunch items like "Welsh Rabbit" washed down w/ draft beer but I never got the story behind its unlikely name.
    Now, its doors folded long since — between the two governors, one of them shelving long-honored paintings in the mansion to substitute weakly inspired homage to the Civil War; and this other gasbag gesticulating on behalf of his direct-line to the heavenly host — I'm finally starting to understand the resemblance between the two states. And it makes me miss the odd-moniker'd watering hole all the more.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Welsh Rabbit (or Rarebit) is one of the best brunch items, ever. And amongst the best British food out there, also, too.

      For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a cheese and beer and mustard sauce with a dash of Worchester and hot sauce, served over toast, and it's very rich and umame and delicious. Which is saying somethign coming from me, consummate carnivore that I am. It's doubly excellent if you make it at home, from scratch, because it calls for roughly 1/2 to 2/3 of a bottle of beer (preferably porter, but equal parts stout and lager will work in a pinch), meaning it suddenly gives you an excuse to start daydrinking.

      Also, depending on who you talk to, the name derives from either anti-Welsh racism (i.e, they are so lazy/incompetant that they can't catch rabbits) or else a bit of class humor (rabbit was the poor man's meat, and so cheese and beer is the even poorer Welsh man's rabbit), so it has that going for it, too.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I've made it at home several times M_J — it never turns out the same twice. But I will look into your porter recommendation. And will try not to wander from the stove more than necessary.

      1. riverside68

        A dick? Doesn't use a condom? Doesn't use omnipotence to stop his boys or omniscience to pick a good time?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Texas prisons have that angle covered already. (They really are running out of options, aren't they?)

  35. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wouldn't it be great if Quetzalcoatl or some other Aztec god showed up and took a bow during Perry's rally? "Thanks to you gathering, and all of the innocents you have murdered, Mr. Perry, I have returned to the Earth. Let the Aztec Kingdom be reborn right here in the great nation of Texas!

  36. widestanceroman

    His mouth looks eager enough in the above pic, but maybe it automatically takes that shape whenever he shoots.

  37. ChessieNefercat

    So beginning August 6th, he's donating his socialist government welfare paycheck to charity. And come to think of it, since he admitted that he and government are already a pack of ineffectual goobers, shouldn't they all be doing so as of now?

  38. pinkocommi

    There is a Book of Joel? Seriously? I would have figured God was more a Lionel Richie kind of guy.

    1. HarryButtle

      God likes the funky Commodores stuff, but Lionel signed a record contract with Satan to get his solo career off the ground. True story.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Better yet, set Perry loose on a stretch of lonely Texas highway and I, unwittingly, will mistake him for the errant dillo that always runs toward my headlights.

  39. [redacted]hse

    I have a lot more faith in God than I do in Rick Perry, and I don't even BELIEVE in God.

  40. Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Some problems are beyond our power to solve…”

    Texas voters please note: "our" means "Republicans"

  41. unclejeems

    Right, the second chapter of Joel–another three thousand year old metaphor you'll never understand, Rick, you cynical bastard.

    Personally, I hope Baal and Dagon show up and double-team your ass.

      1. tessiee

        Can we get him to shake his head and wag his finger like the Sassy Black Woman character in the movies and say, "Oh, HELL to the NO, Girlfriend!"?

  42. HistoriCat

    That would be the greatest thing ever – even greater than if Grover Norquist were to slip in the bathroom and drown in his tub.

  43. hooray4anything

    It's not a problem in the South as they convienantly forget about his left-wing views. Much like they forget to discuss slavery as the main cause of the Civil War

  44. SorosBot

    If asking Jesus for help doesn't work, Perry should start looking for other gods to save Texas; maybe Rick should ask Thor and Storm (I know, she's not really a god but she was mistaken for one and worshiped for a time) to come use their weather-control powers to make it rain.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      As played by Halle Berry, Storm is a goddess I'd be OK with worshiping. Just sayin.

      1. user-of-owls

        And an anchor baby! So, we have a candidate's only son who is a:

        Undocumented Birth Bastard Jew Anchor Baby.

        This doesn't bode well.

  45. freakishlywrong

    I'd love to be a fly on the wall to see their faces when the fires actually get worse because they CUT THE FUNDING.

  46. chascates

    Old Texas saying: "this is a fine country for men and dogs but hell on women and horses". With first Bush and now Perry in charge it's become hell for everyone.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      OK, so here's what we do: First, all the women leave Texas. After a few months, all the horses will really, really be wanting to leave.* Problem solved. You're welcome.

      *And the sheep, also.

  47. Slim_Pickins

    According to some of my god-fearing Republican friends, Newt HAS the answers, all Perry has to do is ask.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If his answers are any good, of course, he'll be forced to backtrack: "If anyone quotes my answers to Rick Perry, it is a falsehood."

  48. Beowoof

    If we are lucky God will show up and start smiting these douche bag motherfuckers. And he can start in Texas.

  49. Billmatic

    So what is it with possible GOP candidates for president entertaining the concept of running and then going poo-flingingly insane?

    Or is this actually an awesome idea to win the ticket of the poo-flingingly insane party?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You fail to appreciate the size of the poo-flingingly insane demographic in Texas.

  50. Warpde

    Luck with that one Perry. Stand in line and wait your turn.
    God's busy giving guidence to Bachmann right now.

    Bachmann/Jesus 2012?…still waiting to get the go ahead from the old man.

  51. Steverino247

    Well, since the Constitution of the State of Texas was found inscribed on gold plates in the bathroom of the Alamo, we can hardly blame Mr. Perry for his belief that divine intervention could help once more.

  52. JustPixelz

    WTF. These people live in the United States of America. And they think they're in Hell. Worse(!), they want God and Jeebus to fix it. You'd think those dudes would busy trying to save a million children from starvation in Africa, or a war in Libya, or a 5 year old in Wyoming from dying of leukemia.

    My Prayer for America:
    O Lord.
    My heart is heavy with worry for all your children. I don't need to win the lottery. I don't need gas prices to go down. I don't need a bigger house. I've had a wonderful, comfortable life with every blessing you and my nation can bestow. Help the children. Help all of them. I'll be OK. Amen.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The same God that is ravaging their states with tornadoes, wildfires, and floods.
      And yet, they still haven't figured it out.

  53. DustBowlBlues

    Nice to know OK isn't the only state that is totally, batshitty crazy.

    OT–Did anyone listen to "The Story" on NPR today? That guy is the con artist who won our mayor's race. Bumpkins around here have never met a liar as slick as he is.

  54. Steverino247

    Shit in one hand and pray in the other and see which one gets filled first, Rick.

  55. SaintRond

    Congressman Wiener has more brains in his wiener than that dick has in his whole body.

  56. x111e7thst

    “Some problems are beyond our power to solve,” Perry said, which includes the state debt, unemployment, public health, disaster response, and, uh, teen pregnancy.
    Shouldn't we see if there are 2nd Amendment Remedies for these first?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I can see fixing #2 through #5…

      As for the debt … is armed robbery a "2nd amendment remedy"?

    2. GOPCrusher

      "Aw, just fuck it." will be a great campaign slogan for Rick Perry's candidacy.

    3. tessiee

      Well, you could shoot the unemployed folks and knocked-up teenage sluts, but despite the picture with this article, I don't think shooting the weather is going to help.

  57. Mumbletypeg

    I saw J. Snead when my family was town and we took them out for dim sum Christmas Eve. So he apparently enjoys departures into non-traditional holiday cuisine, and given his line of work I don't blame him. But I'm familiar w/ him only through mutual acquaintances; I couldn't afford to eat at his establishment more than once or twice.. Anyway, that's funny you know him too!

  58. GOPCrusher

    Maybe with the heat and fasting, Rick Perry will hear a voice that tells him that he must lead his people from the bonds of slavery. He'll part the Rio Grande River and him and his flock will wander aimlessly in the Mexican desert for the next 40 years.

  59. genxr

    These problems – the deficit, poverty, cutting funds to natural disaster response – are beyond our power to solve and we certainly didn't cause them. So I'm throwing this one over the fence. Ball's in your court, God.

  60. metamarcisf

    Now that Newt's staff has jumped ship for Perry, a run is inevitable. We'll know the Apocolypse is nigh when he receives the ringing endorsement of those in-bred, dumb-ass Bush boys.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Obama is smiling.

      OK, OK … laughing hysterically and terrorist-fit-bumping Michele before carrying her upstairs. (Sly thumbs-up from the Secret Service guy in the hall.)

      1. mourningnmerica

        Sorry, I fucked up and left off the word "the" before governor. Glad you saw through the mistake. That guy is such a jagoff. This country is one sorry mess, huh?

        1. tessiee

          "I fucked up and left off the word "the" before governor"

          Huh.
          I read that as "all Governors' attempts at leading Texas", and it still made perfect sense and was accurate.

  61. BornInATrailer

    I look forward to the newly re-energized demonization of atheists. It often makes conversations with new acquaintances extra p-tarded.

    1. tessiee

      Anybody who uses the R-word in any context, about anybody or anything, is personally beating up Bristol, er-uh, Sarah Palin's "speshul" babby. Also, anyone who disagrees with Sarah Palin about anything, ever.

  62. tessiee

    "God’s taking over … “Some problems are beyond our power to solve,” which includes … teen pregnancy. Prayer will now be in charge of these things."

    All the young ladies and gentlemen out there who are not yet ready to be parents, may I have your attention, please?

    My high school years were quite some time ago (THANK GOD!!!, but I digress), but I can clearly remember some of my classmates finding out the hard way that prayer doesn't do shit-all about teen pregnancy. Rubbers have a much better success rate.

    1. [redacted]hse

      Praying AFTER you miss your period won't help any more than the crying did, either.

  63. anniegetyerfun

    I called upon Jesus to guide me, and he was all, "Lady, I just cut your lawn, for Pete's sake. Now please put some pants on."

    You just can't count on the help anymore.

  64. owhatever

    Masterful politicking. If you don't pray hard enough, it's your fault that the economy doesn't get any better.

  65. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Well, sort of a dumbed-down, red-state Shiva, destroyer of overbuilt suburbs and water-deprived grasslands.

  66. Guppy06

    "the Reanimated Corpse of Screaming Lord Sutch (Monster Raving Loony Party)"

    I've not yet heard of Reagan being referred to in that way.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "The Rick Perry Throughway? What'll that asshole think of next? Has anybody got a dime? Somebody's got to go back to Austin and get a shitload of dimes…"

  67. Dudleydidwrong

    What if the voice from on high says something to the effect that, just as it was in the old, old days, you will need to sacrifice a virgin.

    "In Texas? Where can we find one of those?"

    "Not my problem, Slick, but that's the way things are done."

  68. StarsUponThars

    Wait. I thought it was God who sent the "financial debt, terrorism, and a multitude of natural disasters" in the first place to punish us for letting the gays live. You think Jesus is gonna cock-block His old man to bail us out? I don't think so.

  69. AlaskaGrrl

    The registration process is just about as well thought out as anything that Perry has done. I just registered as Jesus H Christ and bringing my "family group" of 12 apostles. I just may sign up the whole New Testament.

  70. BarackMyWorld

    Compare and contrast:

    And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.
    -Matthew 6:5-7

    Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…
    -The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution

    I sincerely hope you’ll join me in Houston on August 6th and take your place in Reliant Stadium with praying people asking God’s forgiveness, wisdom and provision for our state and nation. There is hope for America. It lies in heaven, and we will find it on our knees.
    -Rick Perry

  71. BornInATrailer

    SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!! SUNDAY!!!

    Join Governor Perry For An All Day Prayer EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!!

    Your Ticket Buys You The Whole Seat… BUT YOU"LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!!!

  72. Negropolis

    "The Response"? Really, guys? Are you going to totally rip off LeBron James' "The Decision" just like that and expect us not to notice?

    Honestly, though, why does this feel like some 1950's movie about a God-fearing, big city Southern mayor?

    Yo, Rick. Imma let you finish, but Sonny Perdue did the best civil servant appeal to God on the capitol steps, evah.

  73. Negropolis

    Self-reliant Muscular Jesus says: "Shut the fuck, you pussies. Bootstraps, people; BOOTSTRAPS!"

  74. Negropolis

    BTW, I can't be the only guy that thinks this man bears an uncanny resemblence to The Joker, can I?

  75. jakesnider

    how far we've come since the days of cavemen shaking sticks at the sun for not bringing rains

  76. ttommyunger

    Considering what God ordained for Sodom, Gomorrah, Samaria and Jerusalem; you might want to be careful what you want, Rick, you just might get it.

  77. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Can you give me sanctuary
    I must find a place to hide
    A place for me to hide
    Can you find me soft asylum
    I can't make it anymore
    The Man is at the door

    -Rick Perry

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