• May 26, 2012
UH OH

June 8, 2011

United States Gov’t Sorry About Credit Card Not Going Through, Will Try This Other One

by Wonkette Jr.  

We are not exactly sure what all of this means, except that America is almost officially bankrupt instead of “bankrupt but in name only.”

(Reuters) – The United States probably wouldn’t be able to maintain its prized AAA sovereign ratings status if it suffered even a “technical” default on its debt, Fitch Ratings said on Wednesday.

The rating agency also warned it would downgrade the U.S. sovereign ratings to “restricted default” in August if the government fails to honor Treasury notes and some coupon payments on Treasury securities due on August 15.

Is “Fitch” the one with the cat, Mrs. Norris? Will we all be petrified and sex-abused in his Dungeon, because of debt? [Reuters]

{ 86 comments }

nounverb911 June 8, 2011 at 11:07 am

Card won't go through? Welcome to the real world! Maybe you should pay your bills on time.

Lascauxcaveman June 8, 2011 at 11:52 am

Don't sweat it, we're "too big to fail."

You know what they say, if you owe me $1000, you've got a problem. If you owe me a $100,000,000,000, then I've got a problem.

jus_wonderin June 8, 2011 at 11:54 am

Is that similar to "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…swallow the barrel of my .38?"

Fukui_sanYesOta June 9, 2011 at 3:22 am

Surely "Fool me once, vote in a washed up actor whose party runs up huge debt for ideological reasons. Fool me twice, vote in a pongid impersonator whose grasp of the English language is questionable and who cuts taxes and knackers the economy. Uh … let's vote in another one of those"

SexySmurf June 8, 2011 at 11:13 am

In better news, America's Abercrombie & Fitch rating is still at "five attractive, shirtless sixteen-year-olds."

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 11:19 am

You can't give me an AAA-minus! I have to have a 4.0 GPA to get into the University of Phoenix! Can't I do some extra credit?!

metamarcisf June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

Try earning a football scholarship.

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 11:44 am

But I don't play football. In high school, I was on the Yahtzee Team.

DaRooster June 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Get one of them… the Yahtzee one.

Mumbletypeg June 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

to get into the University of Phoenix

Did you get wind of this boycott the Republitools are organizing, in protest that "for-profit colleges are unfairly singled out"?

SayItWithWookies June 8, 2011 at 11:34 am

Unfortunately those ratings are like pizza sizes — they've been inflated to where the smallest size you can get is extra-large. I think if they did peoples' credit ratings the same way they do those of nations and corporations, Bernie Madoff would have an AA.

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 11:37 am

Sovereign rankings are this generation's Big Gulps.

BerkeleyBear June 8, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Of course you can. David Koch has something he'd like you to work on.

DaRooster June 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

Time for the Government to bail the US out…

elviouslyqueer June 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

Ruh roh, Treasury. Looks like it's time to call Peggy.

FlownOver June 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

Do we still get miles? If so, is Canada open this summer?

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 11:38 am

is Canada open this summer?

Yes, but it's been privatized. Check google.

ifthethunderdontgetya June 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

Thanks for maxing out the national credit card, Republicans.

Sure, we'll give up Social Security and Medicare so you can have more tax cuts and wars.

It's the least we can do for the Dagny Taggarts and Hank Reardons people who made their fortunes the old-fashioned way…by inheriting them.
~

metamarcisf June 8, 2011 at 11:26 am

America: Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt

nounverb911 June 8, 2011 at 11:34 am

Wasn't that from Frank Burns' toe tag on M*A*S*H?

jodyleek June 8, 2011 at 11:56 am

Frank Burns? I think you mean Ferret Face.

Grief_Lessons June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

Many years ago Paul Revere warned the British that we were moving out, to get our own place. Now we need to come up with some sort of apology, so that we can crash in Britain's basement until we get back on our feet.

SexySmurf June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

We're going to have to pawn Florida.

elviouslyqueer June 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

Your move, Cuba.

nounverb911 June 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

When? Soon please.

CapeClod June 8, 2011 at 11:31 am

Write 'em up, Chumley.

SexySmurf June 8, 2011 at 11:33 am

Florida is too shitty even for the Pawn Stars. We'll have to take it to Hardcore Pawn.

MissusBarry June 8, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Florida, meet 8 Mile. That just became the worst place on earth. Sorry, Disney.

DashboardBuddha June 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

+1 for Pawn Stars reference

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 8, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Ha! We will never get back what we have paid into it. Plus, one more hurricane season, and we will be totally underwater in Florida.

donner_froh June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

Triple A bond ratings = flying unicorns carrying fair maidens. Great if you believe in them, kind of pointless if you don't.

x111e7thst June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

How was Fitch rating those mortgage backed securities everyone was so worked up about a little while ago? Yeah I thought so.

freakishlywrong June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

Ewe Ess Aaay! Ewe Ess Aay!

CapeClod June 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

The only possible way out of this mess is to defund Planned Parenthood.

elviouslyqueer June 8, 2011 at 11:31 am

And to privatize everything.

CapeClod June 8, 2011 at 11:32 am

And give out vouchers.

jus_wonderin June 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Don't forget NPR. Gotta save that .01 percent of our tax dollars.

James Michael Curley June 8, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Gets more children into the labor force faster.

PsycWench June 8, 2011 at 11:28 am

The U.S, Government doesn't use an American Express platinum card? I guess it can only use a black one?

PsycWench June 8, 2011 at 11:29 am

The Phish rating is still at…wow, man, what was I just talking about?

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 11:35 am

Analysts are having a difficult time with the volatile Winch rating, which has been going up and down all quarter.

weejee June 8, 2011 at 11:43 am

But 'Murica is keeping its prized twin peaks Wenches rating with jobz aplenty at breastraunts for the anatomically endowed.

Lascauxcaveman June 8, 2011 at 11:53 am

When you threw that thing at my head, my Flinch Rating went off the charts.

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 12:04 pm

The markets are tied up in knots trying to make sense of this week's Cinch ratings.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I'm just waiting for Christine O'Donnell to give the official American Witch rating.

freakishlywrong June 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

Dear Wealthy/corporations/Republicans, we're going to have to go dutch. You're just not pulling your weight.

Love,
U.S. of America 90%-ile.

donner_froh June 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

Teabag congress critters don't know what a "sovereign debt rating" is so it must not be important. We won't need it since we will all live in tax-free paradise.

RadioJr. June 8, 2011 at 11:32 am

Peggy??!?

Callyson June 8, 2011 at 11:35 am

Well, a country can't hold on to a *sovereign* ratings status for long if it is no longer sovereign, and since the Reeps sold the USA to Big Business under W, this was inevitable sooner or later.
Hey Kochs, you bought it, time to pay for it…

SayItWithWookies June 8, 2011 at 11:39 am

I'd recommend the US keep a jar where it can put its loose change after emptying its pockets at the end of the day. Either that or stop living like smart bombs and tax cuts grow on fucking trees.

DaRooster June 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Howz about a "Swear Jar"… or every time a Repugnant says (behind closed doors of course),"We gotta get rid of that N_____." it costs 'em a quarter… we'll be out of this mess in no time.

Just no Fuckin' Swear Jar here…

Fukui_sanYesOta June 9, 2011 at 3:28 am

The only problem with your otherwise watertight plan is that the Republicans would find a way to get a huge tax break for their buddies every time they *didn't* advocate lynching black people.

Come here a minute June 8, 2011 at 11:42 am

Fitch is the one who needs to borrow a towel because he ran into a water buffalo.

baconzgood June 8, 2011 at 11:48 am

It must be tough to be in AAA so close to the Major Legue then get booted down to B. It would be enough for me to give up pitching and take that job selling used cars.

DaRooster June 8, 2011 at 11:56 am

And how will we no where to go on vacation?

(yes… know… tee hee)

baconzgood June 8, 2011 at 11:57 am

And start another war. 'Cause, ya know, war is good fer da E-CON-A-ME.

Fukui_sanYesOta June 9, 2011 at 3:25 am

Then up aid to Israel and cut any safety net handouts for povertons in the USA.

elviouslyqueer June 8, 2011 at 11:58 am

Is that kanji for "We're fucked"?

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Use the Chinese (simplified) option.

elviouslyqueer June 8, 2011 at 12:53 pm

*runs thru translator*

Nice. And I was almost right, too, also, as well.

BloviateMe June 8, 2011 at 11:59 am

I hear-tell Tiffany's is offering no-interest accounts to Gov't officials. Perhaps we should start there.

hagajim June 8, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Sad thing about this – is if we do default, then we can expect to see the standard reaction to this B.S. that has been forced on Greece. Austerity measures = fucking over the middle class and olds. Have fun while it lasts folks.

BZ1 June 8, 2011 at 12:26 pm

nothing to prevent the bright bulbs at the Tparty for clamoring for a meltdown….

DaRooster June 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

A condom from 1982

Lascauxcaveman June 8, 2011 at 12:50 pm

And some lint.

DaRooster June 8, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I gave up condoms for lint.

Lascauxcaveman June 8, 2011 at 12:59 pm

A "penny jar" for credit card purchases? I've never heard of that, that's kind of brilliant.

It encourages the user to use their card, instead of cash, so BofA gets more of those 2.9% transaction fees from merchants, and the customer gets a little help in the saving department.

Pretty neat for everyone except for the merchants who'd rather take cash and not pay the 2.9%

HempDogbane June 8, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Forgot PIN number again…

pinkocommi June 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

So, are you saying that I should stock up on guns and hobo beans now, while I can because shit is going to get worse?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 8, 2011 at 1:32 pm

This all seems funny now, but just wait until August when the Chinese come and take away all of our big screen televisions.

DahBoner June 8, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I read in a book that predicted the 2007 crash, that worse possible case they would buy all of our used cars and washing machines and ship them all back to China, because that's the only thing left we have of value….

MissusBarry June 8, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Too bad members of Congress weren't personal cosigners on all that debt.

horsedreamer_1 June 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

A dry-cleaning receipt for a blue dress.

horsedreamer_1 June 8, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Carter suffered the Mariel Boatlift, the arrival of various Cuban derelicts into the US.

Thirty years later, Obama will know the Monterrey Yachtlift, as the billionaires (including their Republican patrons, who caused the move) flee the defaulted US.

CHUDster_Arthur June 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Thanks, Bush Tax cuts and Forever Wars!

emmelemm June 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm

"One Slightly Scorched Cute Bird Recovering On a Branch"

I'm ashamed that made me laugh really hard. Be careful out there, Mr. Owl.

MinAgain June 8, 2011 at 7:08 pm

So, does that mean that the US would have to go down to AA?

"Hello, my name is America, and I'm fiscally irresponsible."

Fukui_sanYesOta June 9, 2011 at 3:32 am

Go down on AA, meaning Asiatic Administrators.

horsedreamer_1 June 8, 2011 at 7:20 pm

At the Pink Spot Lounge in Bucharest circa 2002, they are. Do not ask me how I know.

ttommyunger June 8, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Or are you just insanely lucky?

horsedreamer_1 June 8, 2011 at 9:55 pm

A little of column a, little of column b.

ttommyunger June 8, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Whatever works!

TheMeatmaker June 8, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Biden shouldn't put the credit card next to the condom in his wallet. It rubs off the magnetic strip.

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I'm more concerned with Scott Walker's take on the Grinch rating.

Lascauxcaveman June 8, 2011 at 5:58 pm

waiting for Christine O'Donnell to give the official American Witch rating.

Careful with that one; if Xtine decides to show you her Patch Rating instead, you're gonna find out what your Blanch Rating is, pretty damn quick.

user-of-owls June 8, 2011 at 6:21 pm

This thread increasingly reflects the narrow market captured by the Squish rating.

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