tune in to glenn beck at five!

Glenn Beck TV Is Just Video Of Him Doing His Radio Show

smarter than roger ailesProfessional whiner nutcase Glenn Beck announced that he will charge a monthly five-dollar subscription fee for viewers to log in to his latest online vanity project, GBTV.com. Does anyone even have five dollars anymore? Maybe some quarters in the couch cushions. What will a Glenn Beck fan get in exchange for putting off the trip to the laundromat for another week? It is probably the most brilliant idea in the history of television: video feed of Glenn Beck delivering his (free, syndicated) radio show. Worth every penny.

Is anyone in the world better at the media business than Glenn Beck? He’s the best salesman ever. Here he is selling the network to the readers of the New York Times:

“If you’re a fan of Jon Stewart, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy,” Mr. Beck said. “If you’re a fan of ‘24,’ you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.”

Take note, fans of liberal comedy and motion-sickness-inducing terrorist-hunting melodramas. Glenn Beck sitting in a chair delivering his radio show will be better than all that. [NYTimes/ GBTV Schedule]

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  • Weenus299

    … until Seal Team Six raids his compound.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Meh, one Seal on his offday on his way to the liquor store could take out Glenn no problem, and not even have any pit stains to show for it.

      • DaRooster

        Accept for the moving of the body.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I'll let him blow me for 5 dollars.

    • Tommmcattt

      It would cost considerably more to let that man near my penis.

      • PuckStopsHere

        It's a standing offer. I say, "Suck my dick, Glenn," every time I see/hear him.

    • prommie

      I'd pay $5 to watch that. Thats pretty much the new American economy, isn't it? The great Circle of Porn.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I wish I had $5. All my money went to Goldline.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        The Cycle Jerk.

    • tessiee

      "I'll let him blow me for 5 dollars."

      Be sure and hammer out his remaining teeth first.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “If you’re a fan of Jon Stewart, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy,” Mr. Beck said.

    I doubt it. I would rather watch Jon Stewart make fun of Glenn on The Daily Show.

    • GOPCrusher

      The moran show tremendous cajones, comparing himself to Jon Stewart.

  • LesBontemps

    I won't even pay for on-line porn, why the hell would I pay for that?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Especially when paying for Glenn Beck will make you feel all seedy and gross.

      • BlueMonkeh

        and no happy ending

    • prommie

      Apparently, only mormons pay for online porn, and Beck? A mormon. Coincidence? I think not; we're through the looking glass here, people, the enchanting, exquisite, and exhilirating looking glass.

      • LesBontemps

        So you're saying Beck will be doing Mormon hardcore on the radio interwebs? Sounds difficult to fap to.

  • baconzgood

    Should I pay in gold, seeds or crazy?

    • Andrew Drinker

      Ameros!

    • MissusBarry

      Chickens.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yes.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Cats (to be traded in for gold)

  • Callyson

    Five dollars will get you a bottle of Chuck Shaw, with enough change for cheese and crackers to go with Beck's whine…

  • Oblios_Cap

    I only pain I pay for is at the dentist's. There's no way I'd pay to listen to and/or look at Glenn Beck.

  • Goonemeritus

    Every $5 spent on cable fees is $5 that can’t be spent on ammunition and canned goods.

    • mourningnmerica

      Or a sandwich on the flight to Israel.

  • slithytoves

    What will a Glenn Beck fan get in exchange for putting off the trip to the laundromat for another week?

    Not laid.

    • FNMA

      As if there were any hope for that anyway.

  • Lucidamente1

    Now if it was LGBTV, I'd be down with it.

    • genxr

      That's how I first read it. What's the "V" for anyway?

  • arihaya

    and here I thought Conservatives were against Human cloning …..

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Will Baba Booey be their?

  • DahBoner

    Hey, I'll pay $5 to see Jared Loughner exercise his 2nd Amendment Solution (TM) on Glenn Beck…

  • chascates

    Chalkboards included?

  • arihaya

    "monthly five-dollar"

    the liberal media were misquoting Glenn,, he actually said "monthly five Ameros"

  • Gopherit

    Soon, he'll be blowing people for quarters. Maybe the system works.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I have to ask though…are those pictures shopped?

    • emmelemm

      I know, right? They seem 'shopped. But I really don't think they are.

      • Veritas78

        They are shopped. Kudos to Wonkette Jr.!! This is a clear step above the Blingee that lazy Jack would splatter on everything. (Tip to Wonkette Jr.: get Ken's offer in writing, and ask about the pension plan!)

        • gvvt

          Yes – do ask about the pension plan. I bet you'll need a good laugh working there…

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Yes they are. I did it and posted in Gawker months ago.

      • AJWjr.

        Very similar to the mashup I made and briefly used as my avatar back then.

    • mourningnmerica

      I know it seems like they are Photoshopped, but it is actually simply the kindred spirit, shining through.

  • widestanceroman

    To be fair to he with the face for radio, a 47-blackboard hallucinatory descent into madness plays better when you can see it.

    • Mumbletypeg

      I'm thumbing this just for "hallucinatory descent" alone. Wordsmithy. (And yes I'm aware "just" and "alone" probably are redundant together, but, meh.)

  • baconzgood

    I'd pay not to listen. But thankfully I can do that for free.

  • Doktor Zoom

    And puppets! Everyone loves puppets!

    • Andrew Drinker

      Now show us on the puppet where Glenn Beck touched you, Zoomie…

      • Doktor Zoom

        I…wait…I never…it was…wait…I…my god…oh, my god! I remember…

        IT WASN'T A CHICKEN! IT WAS A BABY!!!!!

        • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          This week on a Very Special 'Touched by a Baby'…

        • GOPCrusher

          +1 for the M*A*S*H reference.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    With your $5 per month subscription fee, see Glenn write on the New & Improved™ Whiteboard with Scentless Markers!™

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    “If you’re a fan of ‘24,’ you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.”

    When Beck saws the head off a guest and carries it around in a duffel-bag, I'll be the first to sign up.

    • emmelemm

      I'd rather see a guest saw off Beck's head and put it in a duffel bag.

      /not actually advocating violence

    • genxr

      From the picture, it looks like he's already done that.

  • gullywompr

    Jon Stewart + 24 != GBTV

  • charlesdegoal

    Those who pay richly deserve what they will get.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This is only pennies a day!

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      …the cost of a cup of coffee.

      • Andrew Drinker

        Lessee…feed a poor kid in Africa or pay Glenn Beck 5 bucks…hrm…

        • poncho_pilot

          feed Glenn Beck to poor kids in Africa.

          • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

            His carcass would take care of a good sized village for a few months.

    • GOPCrusher

      I already send my guilt money to the ASCPA in the hopes that they will pull that Sarah McLachlan commercial off the air.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Unlike WeinerTweets, which are only penises a day.

  • notreelyhelping

    In the immortal words of Steve Martin: "I can come in here for five dollars! What happens?"

  • CapeClod

    So we'll get to see him vomit into a bucket when Meagan McCain's naked body gets mentioned?

  • axmxz

    Will he at least be in his Subservient Chicken costume?

  • Troubledog

    I have a cordless fucksaw; we can just take it straight to wherever she parks that bus at night. And instead of a studio, we just get O'Keefe to follow us around. Everything's mobile now. Matrixed teams. Embrace the future.

    • Pithaughn

      The Milwaukee FukzAll?

      • Troubledog

        I have an authentic Milwaukee Super Sawzall of course, but that's AC power only. My cordless is a Craftsman 19.2 volt; matching my other cordless tools.

        The fucksaw gets a bad name from mouth breathers who strap a dildo on a sawblade with a hose clamp, ignoring the fact that the primary use of a reciprocating saw is to effortlessly saw through any material. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

        Instead, get this: http://www.kenstwistedmind.com/Fucking-Machines/K

        • easybaked

          Wow. Just how many domains does Ken Layne own? He sure is busy.

          • Troubledog

            Oh shit I outed him

          • Crank_Tango

            looks like some nice workmanship there. so what do you do, go down to the metal shop and tell the guy workin the cnc machine that you need a flange here and a flange there and it better hold a fucking dildo or "OSHA" is gonna tear someone's ass apart?

          • Troubledog

            I just assumed Layne had a metal lathe and was making them out of that cross he stole out in the desert, that one time, for dignity.

  • SorosBot

    You know, I don't think we'd heard anything from or about Glenn Beck for quite some time; and I was very glad about that.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    If you're a fan of cock shots that vault over your spamblocker only to be opened by your kids, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.

  • x111e7thst

    The Crying Glenda Radio Hour, a powerful and poignant story of love, loss and self discovery..

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But this makes no sense. Obviously there is a mistake. Why would Glenn put up a wall between the God Fearing People of the United States and there leading Savior and the Great Protector of Israel! Why would he charge and keep people from hearing the truth?

    Unless…, George Soros and the Federal Reserve have gotten to him and are using him to suck all the money from his followers to prevent them from buying gold! It is just what the love child of Stalin and Hitler would have done!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else charged $5 for access to video of their radio broadcasts?

    • neiltheblaze

      Father Coughlin?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Don't you mean "deutsche marks"?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        With Beck, I'm pretty sure it is "douche marks."

        • tessiee

          Or surveyors' marks.

    • CapeClod

      Amos and Andy? It was a disasterous idea, by the way, since the title characters were played by white guys on the radio.

    • elviouslyqueer

      James O'Keefe?

    • widestanceroman

      cue creepy coincidence music. . .see below

    • SorosBot

      The New York Times?

    • GOPCrusher

      The Battling Bickersons?

  • genxr

    I don't understand. Can you put it on a blackboard?

    • baconzgood

      With Puppets too.

  • prommie

    Sounds like its going to be some enchanting, exquisite, and exhilirating television; sign me up!

    • tessiee

      And thus, a new meme is born.

  • fartknocker

    Junior, that picture is fucking creepy.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I don't know. I kept buying these fucking certificates.

  • neiltheblaze

    I wouldn't read this doughy pig if the subscription came with a year's worth of daily blow jobs.

    • prommie

      You are a young man, aren't you? There will come a time, when you will rethink what you would do for a years worth of daily blow jobs.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        A week's worth of blowjobs in a lifetime. Like dust in the wind.

      • neiltheblaze

        I was young when Times Square was a prairie.

        • prommie

          Oh, ok, you've gone off the other end of the spectrum then, sorry.

    • gvvt

      My little friend literally shuddered at the thought of that creature's mouth slobbering all over him…

  • baconzgood

    Bunny Lebowski?

    • Mumbletypeg

      Graham Dalton?

  • NoTea4Me

    $5 that's all? Beck can't catch up with that other radio whack job radio preacher Harold Camping at only $5 a month.

    • MissusBarry

      It's a special introductory rate, good for three months, after which time automatic debits in amounts greater than the monthy anus burger allowance will continue ad infinitum.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    The prospects of my watching either GBTV, or LGBTV, are greatly reduced. As a white male, I'd rather just watch a couple of L's, thank you.

  • baconzgood

    "It's not TV it's insane bull shit"

    -The HBO Voice-

  • owhatever

    Send me $4 and I will reveal the secret of how to make money over the internet. For and additional $1, I will unveil a way that YOU can hear Glenn Beck for FREE without charge. Hurry. This special offer from Gold Line will not last long.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    If you're a fan of the movie, "Eraserhead" you're goonna fuckin' love GBTV!

  • Steverino247

    No, and don't call me Shirley!

  • Mumbletypeg

    Graham Dalton?

  • BarackMyWorld

    If you’re a fan of train wrecks, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.

    If you’re a fan of stuff films, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Like German Poop Porn?
    Well GBTV is for you!

  • Callyson

    Also, I would think the downfister would move away from the computer and go out and get a second job so that he, she, or it can pay to watch Beck's rantings. (Upfists to everyone to make up for that time – wasting wuss.)

  • Lucidamente1

    What happened to my p's? Glenn, was that you??

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Overton windows

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Megs McCain?

  • freakishlywrong

    I think the shark has jumped Glenn.

  • widestanceroman

    It's as clear as the bell they rang when Paul Revere invented stainless steel cookware to avoid the British tax on cast iron.

  • mausgeo

    Linda Lovelace?

  • Gorillionaire

    If you are a fan of Andy Warhol films like "Sleep" and "Empire State Building" then you will find something on GBTV that you are going to "enjoy".

  • DaRooster

    I started with except… went back but since you "replied" I can't change it now… thanks a friggin' lot… Bot. This is the one I catch others in too, to, two.
    (I'm usually doing the same… correcting others… but hey, I can let it go man!)

    • SorosBot

      Oh, I no it was justice silly era, butt it was two tempting.

      (I'm too reliant on spellcheck and always making typos that are still real words and not noticing)

      • DaRooster

        Oh… I have noticed… I have noticed…

        Ship hatpins.

  • GOPCrusher

    I use that side by side photo for my home e-mail signature. Its amazing how quickly the anti-Obama e-mails stopped coming to me once I started hitting Reply All and sending it back out.

  • RedNM

    If you like the Who, you're sure to enjoy Glenn Beck.

  • benjo765

    I hear theres a real cliff-hanger at the end of series 1: he falls off the chair onto his fat ass – WILL HE GET UP AGAIN????

  • OneDollarJuana

    I hope what he meant was that the show, as in 24, would air for only 24 episodes, and that, as The Daily Show, it would be on past my bedtime so I wouldn't be awake to watch it.

  • GOPCrusher

    If you're a fan of genital warts, you're going to find something on GBTV that you're going to enjoy.

  • Redhead

    "“If you’re a fan of Jon Stewart, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy,”"

    We'll see those same clips on the Daily Show later that night as Stewart rips him to shreds. Is he so narcissistic that he doesn't realize the only attention he gets from those fans is to mock him? (Yes, I already know the answer).

    But man is that a great picture. Speaking of which, Beck has never DENIED being at the Arizona shooting. What does he have to hide? Why won't he simply say that he wasn't there and that he didn't pull the trigger? Glenn and Jared both have the letter "e" in them too. CONSPIRACY!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Doesn't matter. For Glenn all publicity really is good publicity. Because, really, consider his alternatives. Not pretty.

  • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

    That subscription price will just be a cost of doing business for Wonkette, cartoonists and Stephen Colbert.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      This is just like being undercover, and having to get high.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    In the photo is that Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dummer?

  • emmelemm

    Who isn't?

  • DaRooster

    Will I get to see him cry?

    I know… silly question.

  • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

    Some errors, I noted.

    That is a goat, and not a shark.
    That is not jumping.
    Even the word finally is a bit of a reach, this has gone on for a while.

  • mourningnmerica

    Like saying "If you love Passover, you'll love the Hitler show…"

  • hagajim

    Does the GB stand for garbage?

  • lochnessmonster

    Five dollars? Won't it cost more to process all(?) those subscriptions than he's going to take in?

  • BklynIlluminati

    PIC Soooooooooo disturbing……..

  • ttommyunger

    Gone, but not forgotten. No, wait! Who?

    • tessiee

      Apparently, in this case, forgotten but not gone.

      • ttommyunger

        Sadly!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It's all right, she can use the business.

  • natedonthate

    What a bunch of wretched cockmongers, you people take the cake.

  • zhubajie

    Is he on Short Wave? That's usually where terminal nutters and racists (of the Pete Peters/Brother Stair/Dr Gene Scott type) usually end up. They peddle lots of gold coins, too. World Wide Crackpot Radio wants your bucks, Glen!

  • tessiee

    As I was reading this, my brain said, in the voice and accent of some of my family members (i.e., tough old people):
    "Ehh, he's got enough goddamn money already".

  • tessiee

    This shark that you speak of, has it eaten recently?
    And would you describe it as a *fussy* shark, or a shark that will pretty much eat anything?
    Just wondering.

  • tessiee

    Bristol?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Ok, that's scary, which one is the Beckster?