TUNE IN TO GLENN BECK AT FIVE!  1:31 pm June 7, 2011

Glenn Beck TV Is Just Video Of Him Doing His Radio Show

by Wonkette Jr.

smarter than roger ailesProfessional whiner nutcase Glenn Beck announced that he will charge a monthly five-dollar subscription fee for viewers to log in to his latest online vanity project, GBTV.com. Does anyone even have five dollars anymore? Maybe some quarters in the couch cushions. What will a Glenn Beck fan get in exchange for putting off the trip to the laundromat for another week? It is probably the most brilliant idea in the history of television: video feed of Glenn Beck delivering his (free, syndicated) radio show. Worth every penny.

Is anyone in the world better at the media business than Glenn Beck? He’s the best salesman ever. Here he is selling the network to the readers of the New York Times:

“If you’re a fan of Jon Stewart, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy,” Mr. Beck said. “If you’re a fan of ‘24,’ you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.”

Take note, fans of liberal comedy and motion-sickness-inducing terrorist-hunting melodramas. Glenn Beck sitting in a chair delivering his radio show will be better than all that. [NYTimes/ GBTV Schedule]

 
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{ 150 comments }

Weenus299 June 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm

… until Seal Team Six raids his compound.

mrblifil June 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Meh, one Seal on his offday on his way to the liquor store could take out Glenn no problem, and not even have any pit stains to show for it.

DaRooster June 7, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Accept for the moving of the body.

PuckStopsHere June 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I'll let him blow me for 5 dollars.

Tommmcattt June 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

It would cost considerably more to let that man near my penis.

PuckStopsHere June 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

It's a standing offer. I say, "Suck my dick, Glenn," every time I see/hear him.

prommie June 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I'd pay $5 to watch that. Thats pretty much the new American economy, isn't it? The great Circle of Porn.

OneDollarJuana June 7, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I wish I had $5. All my money went to Goldline.

KeepFnThatChicken June 7, 2011 at 10:55 pm

The Cycle Jerk.

tessiee June 8, 2011 at 8:35 am

"I'll let him blow me for 5 dollars."

Be sure and hammer out his remaining teeth first.

Oblios_Cap June 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm

“If you’re a fan of Jon Stewart, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy,” Mr. Beck said.

I doubt it. I would rather watch Jon Stewart make fun of Glenn on The Daily Show.

GOPCrusher June 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

The moran show tremendous cajones, comparing himself to Jon Stewart.

LesBontemps June 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I won't even pay for on-line porn, why the hell would I pay for that?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Especially when paying for Glenn Beck will make you feel all seedy and gross.

BlueMonkeh June 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

and no happy ending

prommie June 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Apparently, only mormons pay for online porn, and Beck? A mormon. Coincidence? I think not; we're through the looking glass here, people, the enchanting, exquisite, and exhilirating looking glass.

LesBontemps June 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm

So you're saying Beck will be doing Mormon hardcore on the radio interwebs? Sounds difficult to fap to.

baconzgood June 7, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Should I pay in gold, seeds or crazy?

Andrew Drinker June 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Ameros!

MissusBarry June 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Chickens.

elviouslyqueer June 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Yes.

smokefilledroommate June 7, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Cats (to be traded in for gold)

Callyson June 7, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Five dollars will get you a bottle of Chuck Shaw, with enough change for cheese and crackers to go with Beck's whine…

Oblios_Cap June 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm

I only pain I pay for is at the dentist's. There's no way I'd pay to listen to and/or look at Glenn Beck.

Goonemeritus June 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Every $5 spent on cable fees is $5 that can’t be spent on ammunition and canned goods.

mourningnmerica June 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Or a sandwich on the flight to Israel.

slithytoves June 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm

What will a Glenn Beck fan get in exchange for putting off the trip to the laundromat for another week?

Not laid.

FNMA June 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

As if there were any hope for that anyway.

Lucidamente1 June 7, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Now if it was LGBTV, I'd be down with it.

genxr June 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

That's how I first read it. What's the "V" for anyway?

arihaya June 7, 2011 at 1:38 pm

and here I thought Conservatives were against Human cloning …..

SudsMcKenzie June 7, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Will Baba Booey be their?

DahBoner June 7, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Hey, I'll pay $5 to see Jared Loughner exercise his 2nd Amendment Solution (TM) on Glenn Beck…

chascates June 7, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Chalkboards included?

arihaya June 7, 2011 at 1:40 pm

"monthly five-dollar"

the liberal media were misquoting Glenn,, he actually said "monthly five Ameros"

Gopherit June 7, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Soon, he'll be blowing people for quarters. Maybe the system works.

DashboardBuddha June 7, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I have to ask though…are those pictures shopped?

emmelemm June 7, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I know, right? They seem 'shopped. But I really don't think they are.

Veritas78 June 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

They are shopped. Kudos to Wonkette Jr.!! This is a clear step above the Blingee that lazy Jack would splatter on everything. (Tip to Wonkette Jr.: get Ken's offer in writing, and ask about the pension plan!)

gvvt June 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Yes – do ask about the pension plan. I bet you'll need a good laugh working there…

BTWBFDIMHO June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Yes they are. I did it and posted in Gawker months ago.

AJWjr. June 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Very similar to the mashup I made and briefly used as my avatar back then.

mourningnmerica June 7, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I know it seems like they are Photoshopped, but it is actually simply the kindred spirit, shining through.

widestanceroman June 7, 2011 at 1:44 pm

To be fair to he with the face for radio, a 47-blackboard hallucinatory descent into madness plays better when you can see it.

Mumbletypeg June 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I'm thumbing this just for "hallucinatory descent" alone. Wordsmithy. (And yes I'm aware "just" and "alone" probably are redundant together, but, meh.)

baconzgood June 7, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I'd pay not to listen. But thankfully I can do that for free.

Doktor Zoom June 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

And puppets! Everyone loves puppets!

Andrew Drinker June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Now show us on the puppet where Glenn Beck touched you, Zoomie…

Doktor Zoom June 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I…wait…I never…it was…wait…I…my god…oh, my god! I remember…

IT WASN'T A CHICKEN! IT WAS A BABY!!!!!

smokefilledroommate June 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

This week on a Very Special 'Touched by a Baby'…

GOPCrusher June 7, 2011 at 3:09 pm

+1 for the M*A*S*H reference.

KeepFnThatChicken June 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm

With your $5 per month subscription fee, see Glenn write on the New & Improved™ Whiteboard with Scentless Markers!™

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum June 7, 2011 at 1:50 pm

“If you’re a fan of ‘24,’ you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.”

When Beck saws the head off a guest and carries it around in a duffel-bag, I'll be the first to sign up.

emmelemm June 7, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I'd rather see a guest saw off Beck's head and put it in a duffel bag.

/not actually advocating violence

genxr June 7, 2011 at 2:00 pm

From the picture, it looks like he's already done that.

gullywompr June 7, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Jon Stewart + 24 != GBTV

charlesdegoal June 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Those who pay richly deserve what they will get.

DerrickWildcat June 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

This is only pennies a day!

smokefilledroommate June 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

…the cost of a cup of coffee.

Andrew Drinker June 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Lessee…feed a poor kid in Africa or pay Glenn Beck 5 bucks…hrm…

poncho_pilot June 7, 2011 at 2:41 pm

feed Glenn Beck to poor kids in Africa.

donner_froh June 7, 2011 at 5:57 pm

His carcass would take care of a good sized village for a few months.

GOPCrusher June 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I already send my guilt money to the ASCPA in the hopes that they will pull that Sarah McLachlan commercial off the air.

OneDollarJuana June 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Unlike WeinerTweets, which are only penises a day.

notreelyhelping June 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

In the immortal words of Steve Martin: "I can come in here for five dollars! What happens?"

CapeClod June 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

So we'll get to see him vomit into a bucket when Meagan McCain's naked body gets mentioned?

axmxz June 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Will he at least be in his Subservient Chicken costume?

Troubledog June 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I have a cordless fucksaw; we can just take it straight to wherever she parks that bus at night. And instead of a studio, we just get O'Keefe to follow us around. Everything's mobile now. Matrixed teams. Embrace the future.

Pithaughn June 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm

The Milwaukee FukzAll?

Troubledog June 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I have an authentic Milwaukee Super Sawzall of course, but that's AC power only. My cordless is a Craftsman 19.2 volt; matching my other cordless tools.

The fucksaw gets a bad name from mouth breathers who strap a dildo on a sawblade with a hose clamp, ignoring the fact that the primary use of a reciprocating saw is to effortlessly saw through any material. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

Instead, get this: http://www.kenstwistedmind.com/Fucking-Machines/K

easybaked June 7, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Wow. Just how many domains does Ken Layne own? He sure is busy.

Troubledog June 7, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Oh shit I outed him

SorosBot June 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

You know, I don't think we'd heard anything from or about Glenn Beck for quite some time; and I was very glad about that.

mrblifil June 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

If you're a fan of cock shots that vault over your spamblocker only to be opened by your kids, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.

x111e7thst June 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm

The Crying Glenda Radio Hour, a powerful and poignant story of love, loss and self discovery..

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm

But this makes no sense. Obviously there is a mistake. Why would Glenn put up a wall between the God Fearing People of the United States and there leading Savior and the Great Protector of Israel! Why would he charge and keep people from hearing the truth?

Unless…, George Soros and the Federal Reserve have gotten to him and are using him to suck all the money from his followers to prevent them from buying gold! It is just what the love child of Stalin and Hitler would have done!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 7, 2011 at 2:00 pm

You know who else charged $5 for access to video of their radio broadcasts?

neiltheblaze June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Father Coughlin?

KeepFnThatChicken June 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Don't you mean "deutsche marks"?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

With Beck, I'm pretty sure it is "douche marks."

tessiee June 8, 2011 at 8:55 am

Or surveyors' marks.

CapeClod June 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Amos and Andy? It was a disasterous idea, by the way, since the title characters were played by white guys on the radio.

elviouslyqueer June 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

James O'Keefe?

widestanceroman June 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm

cue creepy coincidence music. . .see below

SorosBot June 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm

The New York Times?

GOPCrusher June 7, 2011 at 3:15 pm

The Battling Bickersons?

genxr June 7, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I don't understand. Can you put it on a blackboard?

baconzgood June 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

With Puppets too.

prommie June 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Sounds like its going to be some enchanting, exquisite, and exhilirating television; sign me up!

tessiee June 8, 2011 at 8:57 am

And thus, a new meme is born.

fartknocker June 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Junior, that picture is fucking creepy.

KeepFnThatChicken June 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I don't know. I kept buying these fucking certificates.

neiltheblaze June 7, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I wouldn't read this doughy pig if the subscription came with a year's worth of daily blow jobs.

prommie June 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

You are a young man, aren't you? There will come a time, when you will rethink what you would do for a years worth of daily blow jobs.

KeepFnThatChicken June 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

A week's worth of blowjobs in a lifetime. Like dust in the wind.

neiltheblaze June 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I was young when Times Square was a prairie.

prommie June 7, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Oh, ok, you've gone off the other end of the spectrum then, sorry.

gvvt June 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

My little friend literally shuddered at the thought of that creature's mouth slobbering all over him…

baconzgood June 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Bunny Lebowski?

Mumbletypeg June 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Graham Dalton?

NoTea4Me June 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm

$5 that's all? Beck can't catch up with that other radio whack job radio preacher Harold Camping at only $5 a month.

MissusBarry June 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

It's a special introductory rate, good for three months, after which time automatic debits in amounts greater than the monthy anus burger allowance will continue ad infinitum.

KeepFnThatChicken June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

The prospects of my watching either GBTV, or LGBTV, are greatly reduced. As a white male, I'd rather just watch a couple of L's, thank you.

baconzgood June 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm

"It's not TV it's insane bull shit"

-The HBO Voice-

owhatever June 7, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Send me $4 and I will reveal the secret of how to make money over the internet. For and additional $1, I will unveil a way that YOU can hear Glenn Beck for FREE without charge. Hurry. This special offer from Gold Line will not last long.

DerrickWildcat June 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

If you're a fan of the movie, "Eraserhead" you're goonna fuckin' love GBTV!

Steverino247 June 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

No, and don't call me Shirley!

Mumbletypeg June 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Graham Dalton?

BarackMyWorld June 7, 2011 at 2:15 pm

If you’re a fan of train wrecks, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.

If you’re a fan of stuff films, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy.

DerrickWildcat June 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Like German Poop Porn?
Well GBTV is for you!

Callyson June 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Also, I would think the downfister would move away from the computer and go out and get a second job so that he, she, or it can pay to watch Beck's rantings. (Upfists to everyone to make up for that time – wasting wuss.)

Lucidamente1 June 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

What happened to my p's? Glenn, was that you??

smokefilledroommate June 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Overton windows

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Megs McCain?

freakishlywrong June 7, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I think the shark has jumped Glenn.

widestanceroman June 7, 2011 at 2:43 pm

It's as clear as the bell they rang when Paul Revere invented stainless steel cookware to avoid the British tax on cast iron.

mausgeo June 7, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Linda Lovelace?

Gorillionaire June 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

If you are a fan of Andy Warhol films like "Sleep" and "Empire State Building" then you will find something on GBTV that you are going to "enjoy".

DaRooster June 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm

I started with except… went back but since you "replied" I can't change it now… thanks a friggin' lot… Bot. This is the one I catch others in too, to, two.
(I'm usually doing the same… correcting others… but hey, I can let it go man!)

SorosBot June 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Oh, I no it was justice silly era, butt it was two tempting.

(I'm too reliant on spellcheck and always making typos that are still real words and not noticing)

DaRooster June 8, 2011 at 1:45 am

Oh… I have noticed… I have noticed…

Ship hatpins.

GOPCrusher June 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I use that side by side photo for my home e-mail signature. Its amazing how quickly the anti-Obama e-mails stopped coming to me once I started hitting Reply All and sending it back out.

RedNM June 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm

If you like the Who, you're sure to enjoy Glenn Beck.

benjo765 June 7, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I hear theres a real cliff-hanger at the end of series 1: he falls off the chair onto his fat ass – WILL HE GET UP AGAIN????

OneDollarJuana June 7, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I hope what he meant was that the show, as in 24, would air for only 24 episodes, and that, as The Daily Show, it would be on past my bedtime so I wouldn't be awake to watch it.

GOPCrusher June 7, 2011 at 3:22 pm

If you're a fan of genital warts, you're going to find something on GBTV that you're going to enjoy.

Redhead June 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm

"“If you’re a fan of Jon Stewart, you’re going to find something on GBTV that you’re going to enjoy,”"

We'll see those same clips on the Daily Show later that night as Stewart rips him to shreds. Is he so narcissistic that he doesn't realize the only attention he gets from those fans is to mock him? (Yes, I already know the answer).

But man is that a great picture. Speaking of which, Beck has never DENIED being at the Arizona shooting. What does he have to hide? Why won't he simply say that he wasn't there and that he didn't pull the trigger? Glenn and Jared both have the letter "e" in them too. CONSPIRACY!

mrblifil June 7, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Doesn't matter. For Glenn all publicity really is good publicity. Because, really, consider his alternatives. Not pretty.

Smitros June 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm

That subscription price will just be a cost of doing business for Wonkette, cartoonists and Stephen Colbert.

KeepFnThatChicken June 7, 2011 at 11:02 pm

This is just like being undercover, and having to get high.

weejee June 7, 2011 at 3:53 pm

In the photo is that Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dummer?

emmelemm June 7, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Who isn't?

DaRooster June 7, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Will I get to see him cry?

I know… silly question.

Gleem_McShineys June 7, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Some errors, I noted.

That is a goat, and not a shark.
That is not jumping.
Even the word finally is a bit of a reach, this has gone on for a while.

mourningnmerica June 7, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Like saying "If you love Passover, you'll love the Hitler show…"

hagajim June 7, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Does the GB stand for garbage?

lochnessmonster June 7, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Five dollars? Won't it cost more to process all(?) those subscriptions than he's going to take in?

BklynIlluminati June 7, 2011 at 6:39 pm

PIC Soooooooooo disturbing……..

ttommyunger June 7, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Gone, but not forgotten. No, wait! Who?

tessiee June 8, 2011 at 9:00 am

Apparently, in this case, forgotten but not gone.

ttommyunger June 8, 2011 at 9:25 am

Sadly!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 7, 2011 at 9:11 pm

It's all right, she can use the business.

natedonthate June 7, 2011 at 9:49 pm

What a bunch of wretched cockmongers, you people take the cake.

zhubajie June 7, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Is he on Short Wave? That's usually where terminal nutters and racists (of the Pete Peters/Brother Stair/Dr Gene Scott type) usually end up. They peddle lots of gold coins, too. World Wide Crackpot Radio wants your bucks, Glen!

tessiee June 8, 2011 at 8:40 am

As I was reading this, my brain said, in the voice and accent of some of my family members (i.e., tough old people):
"Ehh, he's got enough goddamn money already".

tessiee June 8, 2011 at 8:42 am

This shark that you speak of, has it eaten recently?
And would you describe it as a *fussy* shark, or a shark that will pretty much eat anything?
Just wondering.

tessiee June 8, 2011 at 8:56 am

Bristol?

BZ1 June 8, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Ok, that's scary, which one is the Beckster?

Crank_Tango June 7, 2011 at 10:31 pm

looks like some nice workmanship there. so what do you do, go down to the metal shop and tell the guy workin the cnc machine that you need a flange here and a flange there and it better hold a fucking dildo or "OSHA" is gonna tear someone's ass apart?

Troubledog June 7, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I just assumed Layne had a metal lathe and was making them out of that cross he stole out in the desert, that one time, for dignity.

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