swamp gas monsters

Florida Now So Corrupt FBI Taking Out Newspaper Ads Seeking Tips

America’s favorite swamp-gas-filled purgatory, the state of Florida, is now so corrupt that the FBI is taking out ads calling on citizens to report all of their dishonest politicians. Florida is the number one state in corruption, with over 800 politicians arrested between 1997 and 2007. Oh hey, isn’t the year 2000 somewhere between those years? Probably! The FBI is concerned that some of the state’s elected representatives think that federal stimulus dollars are free handouts for them and their families. But come on, those guys work hard, right? Just look at the important legislation they’re passing, trying to make sure those welfare queens aren’t running around using their free handouts to buy drugs. You are only allowed to buy rich people things with free government handouts.

Legislators trying to introduce two separate ethics bills have so far seen them die in committee this year.

From the Orlando Sentinel:

Few legislators wanted to crack down on public officials betraying the public trust. And the excuses were downright laughable.

State Sen. Gary Siplin, D-Orlando, argued that if we criminalize more political misdeeds, it might crowd the prisons.

Siplin, who was himself tried on felony charges that he robbed taxpayers of thousands of dollars, has a pretty good point. [Orlando Sentinel]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. charlesdegoal

      It goes back a lot farther than that. Perhaps not to Ponce de Leon, but at least to Hemingway.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        It's the Cubans' fault. Hemingway included (he was a Cuban for a while, after all). Didn't Castro empty his prisons onto innertubes and send them our way a few years back? Clearly, we didn't catch all the ladrones and put them in jail. Some of 'em musta got elected to office in Fla.

  1. bumfug

    Thank god they have Rick Scott in there now to straighten this mess out. Move along, nothing to see here.

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    State Sen. Gary Siplin, D-Orlando, argued that if we criminalize more political misdeeds, it might crowd the prisons.

    Solution: Declare all state office buildings to be state prisons.

    You're welcome, FLA.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I knew that working together, our brilliant minds could come up with a solution that PAYS FOR ITSELF. Just like Tax Cuts.

        (All you sub-100-p commenters, pay attention. This is how you reach the diamond elite.)

        1. user-of-owls

          That's a splendid new smoking jacket you're wearing old chap. Saw you sporting at the club the other day. I say, another Armagnac to go with our Cohiba Piramides? That's the stuff, bully!

          Where is that blast sub-100-p boy when you need him?

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Trying to bring the funny, boss. Sorry I was a missin, boss. Can I shake a leg now, boss?

        2. BerkeleyBear

          Speaking as one stuck on 90 something for months now (after the great P purge that has never been fully explained) thank you for this amazing insight. Tell me again about how fluffy the pillows are in your special cabin. And how Sara Benincasea gives you all special "turndown" service.

          1. HistoriCat

            And how Sara Benincasea gives you all special "turndown" service.

            I wish. You have to break 150 for that. Barb will get there first – I'm demanding video evidence.

          2. Dashboard_Jesus

            I for one can't imagine why the BB has a sub-100 p-ness? you must have too many downfistin' trolls followin' you (accept the Jesus and you will be SAVED!)

        3. ChapterUndVerse

          Studiously making notes, and adding to your p-score, also. I should get my own owl, too.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Managed by corporations that just happen to have close personal links to the top leadership in the state government. Preferably including at least one or more children/spouses of legislators on the board of directors getting six figures to go to one vacation spot/board meeting a year.

        Not that I have witnessed that sort of thing in and out of government agencies

    1. bureaucrap

      Global Warming will get there first. By 2020, the florida peninsula will only be 3 1/2 miles wide. They'll be using gondolas to get around downtown Miami.

  3. Goonemeritus

    Legislators are public employees suckling on the sweet sweet breast of private enterprise I say cut their pensions, drug test them and don’t what ever you do let them assemble in groups bigger than three.

    1. flamingpdog

      They'll just unionize themselves, occupy the capital building, trash it, and recall the citizenry of Florida.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      wherever there are two or more gathering in MY name you can be sure to get fucked, and we all say AMEN!

  4. edgydrifter

    States like Florida really challenge my motivation to combat global climate change.

    1. SpurningBeer

      My corner of Floridong is so dry that the weeds are dying. Today it's 102 degrees, with a dew point over 80.

      On the positive side, a friend-in-law — an engineer who went to Georgia Tech! — was parroting Rush Limbaugh a few weeks ago about how water never leaves the planet, there's plenty of it, and we don't need to conserve or worry about it. A few days later, I heard from my wife that his well went dry. The Germans call this Schadentrockenfreude, I believe.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Yeah, I don't like to wish bad things to happen to people, but it does put a smile on my face when you see people like Rick Perry demanding Federal funds to help them out with wildfires. Or Bobby Jindal complaining that the Federal government didn't respond fast enough to stop a disaster that a private business caused.

    1. AJWjr.

      Be thankful for the fact that if you walk far enough in any of three directions, you'll find enough water to drown yourself in. Here in the desert southwest, I'd die of thirst just looking for a body of water. I guess the end result would be the same, the sweet release of death…

      1. Beowoof

        I had planned to retire to Florida but they're just too many born again douche bags there for me. I plan on moving to Vegas, they may be douche bags but strippers and gambling sound much more tolerable.

        1. AJWjr.

          Vegas is a true blue oasis in an otherwise crimson state. I'm in the weeds about 65 or so miles outside of Vegas, surrounded by asshats and exes. At least it's cheap to live here…

        2. HurricaneAli

          Crap, we lost a good one in you, Beowoof. But you gotta know when to hold em' and when to fold em', you know?

          I have less interest in going to Vegas since they've closed The Star Trek Experience exhibit. But strippers, yeah, ok, I'm with you there.

  5. ProgressiveInga

    "make sure those welfare queens aren’t running around using their free handouts to buy drugs…."
    When welfare queens are outlawed, only outlaws will be welfare queens. With drugs. Or something.

  6. mavenmaven

    Its just a way for the FBI guys to collect a little extra "protection" money from the politicians on the take, if ya know what I mean.

  7. spinozasgod

    If we just build a "fence" along the northern border we can make Florida itself a prison. All problems solved!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      That was the US's original idea, leaving it to the gators, Spanish and Seminoles, but then old Andy Jackson had to go and invade the damn place.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Good luck with that, FBI — and get ready for the Supreme Court to rule that investigating a governor who's as corrupt as Rick Scott is a form of entrapment.

  9. Doktor Zoom

    Even if they can't clean up corruption, maybe they could appoint Carl Hiaasen as State Irony Comptroller. He'd definitely stay busy.

    Rachel Maddow last week: Rick Scott, after bloviating about how horrible the federal stimulus and health care reform laws were and how FL would just say "no thanks" to that filthy fedrul money, submitted a budget with at least 60 line items funded by the stimulus package and by the health care reform law.

  10. Oblios_Cap

    You are only allowed to buy rich people things with free government handouts.

    I'm always amazed that so few people in America's Dinghus™ have a problem with Associated Industries of Florida throwing the legislators a big party at the beginning of each session to give them AIF's orders for that year. Big business runs this state and now we have a Governor who is going to make it more "business friendly" – i.e. lower wages, fewer workers' rights, and lower taxes on the rich.

    And don't me started on South Florida, the nation's incubator of new and innovative criminal activity.

  11. freakishlywrong

    Jeeze, you'd think the Governor was mandating drug tests and had signed over his huge walk-in healthcare clinic, Solantic, that does drug testing, to his wife or something. I mean, DUH.

  12. V572 [SSAN]

    Where is form Sec of State Kitty Harris when we need her? Only she can save the Sunshine State! Just look at her!

    1. ProgressiveInga

      But I thought that the point of this Wonkarticle is that Florida needs LESS boobs?!?

  13. donner_froh

    Florida is a bunch of ugly buildings on a semi-tropical swamp with hurricanes blowing through a few times per year. Rednecks in the north, Mafia (Cuban and otherwise) in the south, all of them ready to steal from tourists, sell them drugs or lock them up.

    Or all three.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My folks lived on Big Pine Key back in the 90's, when there were several instances of tourists up in Miami getting gunned down as collateral damage during some drug war battles. My old man told me that shortly thereafter, he started seeing bumperstickers around saying "Tourists! Come back!! We weren't shooting at you!!!

  14. OneDollarJuana

    Once again we are shown another reason that we should re-enact the Civil War, but this time let the South stay seceded. Maybe if we pay them an exit bonus?

  15. weejee

    welfare queens aren’t running around using their free handouts to buy drugs

    Does this mean Kitty Harris has skipped-out and is now living in the Cayman Islands or somewhere similar where it is more difficult to secure extradition?

  16. V572 [SSAN]

    I had to type with both hands, for once,in order to be quick enough to find the obvious linky-dink.

  17. weejee

    'Zactly. Years ago you find things like "Official", or at least official looking, Botswana Lawn Bowling Team linen shirts at Banana Republic. Then they hired MBAs with surgically removed senses of humor. Now they are boring and overpriced the 'official' biz skool formula for 'Murican success.

  18. jus_wonderin

    Is that the Playtex Pocket Gopher Bra?

    Oh, this should have been in the post with K. Harris. I am slipping.

    1. SorosBot

      He actually looks just like another famed corrupt businessman turned corrupt politician, Lex Luthor.

  19. fuflans

    is it too late to call the fbi about a stolen election?

    they'd do a better job than the supreme court i think.

  20. CapeClod

    If the FBI comes for him, I bet Rick Scott retreats to his ugly nueveau riche mansion, loads up on blow and comes out of his office machine guns ablazing.

  21. pinkocommi

    After the SCOTUS's decision in Citizens United, I thought bribery and corruption are protected by the First Amendment.

  22. Pragmatist2

    I'm from New jersey and I am sure we can top Florida in corruption.
    Come on guys! Beat Florida!!!!!

      1. Pragmatist2

        Hey! I was very careful. I said Jersey could beat Florida. I never said nothing about Rhode Island. I know better. True story, you guys had a Chief Justice who came home one time and found a body in is freezer. It was put there as a joke by some of his former clients.
        AS to Louisiana, I'm not impressed. If Edwards or the Longs were still around, you'd be in the running. But Pyush Jindal???? No.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Well granted, Jindal is too stupid to be corrupt (or at least he hasn't been caught… yet). But really, we're so used to corruption everydamnwhere that we're actually shocked when somebody gets testy about a piddly little thing like vote buying.

          1. user-of-owls

            Many, many moons ago, Owls (who was hatched just over the border in Mass), was in a bar when a couple of hoodlums/friends came in and shouted, "Luccini's is going up in 15 minutes." We swilled down what was left of our cocktails, dashed to the car and joined the other 20 or so vehicles parked across the street from the doomed restaurant and sure enough, whoosh, up she went. When the cops and firemen (who, by the way, were sold copies of the firefighters exam before taking it) showed up, all they had left to do was break up the belligerents.

            We had a phrase for that sort of thing: Italian lightning.

        2. user-of-owls

          Ok, with that Palin-sized caveat, the Rhodies will put down there cudgels. Another true story: back in the 70s, the FBI launched Operation Diogenes after they received credible reports that there was a high-ranking state official who was clean.

          Well that's what my friend's cousin whose former brother-in-law was a statie said. I think. Or maybe I just thought that up on that last peyote trip.

  23. GodShammgod

    I'm hoping to God I get into a medical school outside of Florida so I can leave this state forever.

    Oh, and buttsecks.

  24. proudgrampa

    OK. I may be missing something here. But FL doesn't sound all that bad. At least, it's not a fucking theocracy like UT.

    Just sayin'.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    If that's the case, I just want to meet the guy who had a weed-whacker for a hand.

    1. Beowoof

      I saw him talking about the guy who couldn't get the pit bull off his arm and the guy cutting the dog's head off to get away.

  26. Gorillionaire

    The FBI should just put together a "GOP Trap" to track and capture corrupt politicians. Like say a bunch of marked bills in a little boy's underpants.

  27. elviouslyqueer

    At least Memphis elects corrupt assholes that give money away instead of hoarding it for themselves.

    If by "giving money away" you mean "funneling money to your political cronies and/or shady land developers" or "having to pay exorbitant amounts of child support for the 13 kids you've fathered out of wedlock," then yes, I agree totally.

  28. owhatever

    Hey, Feebs, just how hard is it to find a crooked politician in Florida? Do we get polished little junior investigator badges if we help? J. Edgar's rotting corpse is rolling over in his sequined evening gown.

  29. samsuncle

    Hiaasen is one of my favorite authors. He writes a colunm once or twice a month for the Miami Herald.

    1. DahBoner

      And cutting unemployment bennies down to a good pat on the back for the lucky duckies…

  30. BerkeleyBear

    I'm guessing you'd hear the wheezing and panting long before the feet, given the whole need to haul out a limo to move his larbutt 100 yards from the chopper to the baseball field last week.

  31. BerkeleyBear

    Yeah, but the problem is that he makes them seem charming half (or more) of the time. Or at least human and therefore not worthy of being condemmed out of hand. It is like "The Wire" and Balmore – you know they are doing terrible things, but you don't hate them the way you should.

    Love Hiaasen, by the way.

  32. GOPCrusher

    Make them triremes. It could be a Jobs Program as you chain 50 slaves, errr, unemployed persons, into the rowing positions.

  33. Lascauxcaveman

    Not equally, as I recall. For some reason my pee only went down 8 points, but I remember some of the real superstars here getting cut almost in half.

    Chilling times, those, when all we hold dear seemed to hang in the balance, waiting for an ill wind to cast the first stone, knocking the bird in the hand out of the black pot and into the fire.

    1. user-of-owls

      Count me among those whose fortunes were dashed that nightmarish day. Chilling times indeed, for sterling souls with their bootstraps on the good soil who are the backbone of a shining city in the meeeel where John Edwards pere cast his lot with seven year's of bad luck that came before the egg.

  34. DahBoner

    Hey, I'd turn in a corrupt Florida politician if the FBI would give me a coupon for healthcare…

  35. easybaked

    What's not being reported in this story is that the FBI also has placed an ad on Craig's List:

    You: Knows how to show a man with a large bulge in his pocket where all the dirty places are.

    Me: Will pay for your time and a hotel room – and has several well-dressed and well-equipped men who will join us.

  36. ChapterUndVerse

    Tim Dorsey also has a clue, although he's fond of bad puns and serial killers. Still, that's what makes him authentic.

  37. ganmerlad

    I came across a site that had that fish picture as the main topic of conversation half a year or more ago, and almost every commenter thought it was real. Saying it was a "baboon skull in a fish skin" ruined their make believe world and pissed them off. Republicans, sheesh.

  38. ttommyunger

    A byword in local law enforcement circles in the 60's; still true today: three most overrated things in America, home cooking, home fucking and the FBI.

  39. AnarchyIsBetter

    An investigation needs to be done on the internet stings being performed throughout the country because they are illegal and amount to nothing more than the creation of crime and entrapment. Manufacturing crime is a perfect way to cover-up corruption because the crime that is created appears to be legitimate as long as the media helps spread the lies of law enforcement.

  40. AnarchyIsBetter

    There was an FBI investigation over the bribery of legislators to approve the construction of the “Blackwater River Correctional Facility”. The prison was built even though prison populations were expected to shrink, I have not heard anything else about the investigation, and police are performing internet stings like it’s the only thing they can do in an effort to increase felon statistics to cover-up the bribes and justify the construction of a new prison that we did not need. I have emailed the FBI to try to get into contact with someone that could hear my complaint that would help with the investigation but have been unsuccessful. I believe this to be because the FBI are also performing illegal stings so they know exactly what I am talking about but are covering it up too.

  41. AnarchyIsBetter

    What are the citizens of this country supposed to do when the very people that are in charge of protecting us are actually using us to make the politicians rich who invest money into crime that does not exist so then they just create it? Visit the blogs at http://floridascandal.blogspot.com for supporting case law and other information proving these stings are illegal. Here is a link about the investigation: http://my.firedoglake.com/mt6112a/2011/06/23/fbi-….

Comments are closed.